My Blog

8july8.initium

joelreed415 — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 19:01:42 GMT

Hello Tuesday. I’m looking forward to getting things done today. I’ve tried a number of anti-depressant activities and therapies. Vitamins seem to work with the least side effects. Exercise is even better, but my schedule doesn’t really allow swimming like I used to. There are a few eastern exercises that I could do, but I’m not there just yet. I’m working on taking a few minutes each day to handle tasks. As the week flows, those tiny steps will (hopefully) add up to a sense of accomplishment and completion that hasn’t really been mine for a while. Full catastrophe living is over. The baby has shown me the importance of planning and all that. Sure, it’s still new and I’m wanting to put things into 5th gear on the second day out. That’s fine though. eventually, I’ll be a mighty oak instead of feeling like some nut who fell out of a tree. I don’t have to write golden verse, just a write a bit more regularly. Eventually, the well will spring forth and I will be able to get into writing about the evolution of video porn through the last 30 years. When did shaving one’s genitals become so widespread? Also, I’d like to write about castration of the environmental movement. Recycling and caring about the environment does not carry the social credence of motorsports or handling firearms. What makes that so? Writing for a few minutes each day will help me get my mind around and into those ideas.

2jan8.misdemeanor

joelreed415 — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 08:36:38 GMT

A friend of mine asked me why I don’t really share some of what I find interesting on the interweb. i have a ton of bookmarks, but don't really share any of them. for awhile, I used school as an excuse and now that I’m done with that I’ve decided to start sharing some of what I find interesting. So let’s get started: Jim woodring’s Frank: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brHZ69DsfQI&feature=related frank is really cool. It would be too easy to say that words can’t describe this stuff. I picked up a copy of the frank book last year. also, there are a bunch of toys of the characters. Toys and sculpting are loads of fun. I have a pet project that I put off until now. I got a Munny last x-mas and want to make it into the scene from akira where dude’s arm goes all crazy. Ok…a bunch of people may not know what I’m talking about, so I’ll post a few explanatory links coz that’s a pretty obscure scene to some: http://www.kidrobot.com/html/munny3/index.html http://images.google.com/images?q=munny&hl=en&safe=off&client=safari&rls=en&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=X&oi=images&ct=title http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Akira_(manga) http://data1.blog.de/blog/b/bookland/img/tetsuo_at_io2_01.jpg http://gdedioscustoms.blogspot.com/2005/12/all-time-favorite-anime-of-mine.html http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y15/samehat/IMG_2140.jpg so yeah…that would be cool… lego scenes from the bible: http://www.thebricktestament.com/ this is just silly. But x-tians can play w/ lego too…and I can laugh at them, no??? Manabu Yamanaka’s photography from japan: http://www.ask.ne.jp/%7Eyamanaka/fujohkan-e.html like I said earlier, sometimes my fetishes take me to strange places. This time it started w/ a fascination w/ the asama sanso incident…do what? Yeah…me too: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asama-Sanso_incident so there’s a movie about it called kichiku. It’s super gory, but I’m still not sure if it’s up there with the ichi anime… http://www.animenewsnetwork.com/encyclopedia/anime.php?id=4198 http://www.totalfilm.com/dvd_reviews/ichi_the_killer_anime_version I’m not going to get into arguing which is better (live action v. anime). They’re both awesome for their own reasons. My point is that yamanaka’s photos are beautiful in the same vein as woodring’s ( http://jimwoodring.com/ ) frank. I’d say that the photos are more like r.kern (http://www.viceland.com/int/v13n7/htdocs/kern2.php?country=us ), but maybe not… http://www.viceland.com/int/v13n7/htdocs/index.php?country=us http://www.ask.ne.jp/%7Eyamanaka/wukong-e.html but those photos are more like aphex twin’s rubber Johnny viddy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l48HTZUHfeQ I love aphex twin so much that I have a cd full of mp3’s…it’s like 7+ hours and I still can’t get enough high pitched squeaks and gurgles… Anyway…I’m off to download the new daft punk album…alive 2007… http://isohunt.com/torrents/?ihq=daft+punk ps: the live in coachella set is super awesome. Headbanging choons for a long drive in the summer or whenever…

leap of faith

joelreed415 — Wed, 26 Sep 2007 21:08:25 GMT

Hello Todd, I write to you with great reluctance and mixed emotions. Yes, that time has finally arrived. While in the process of completing my internship hours and preparing for my final oral exams, I know that there is something else that needs my attention. I have to resign from ASI. My last day will be the Friday, 26th of October. I have considered leaving many times in the last three years for one reason or another, but the relationships I built with JC and CV kept me from leaving. Words just cannot completely cover the range of feelings I am working through right now. Part of me feels excited because I am about to start the next stage of my career. I am reaching a real-life, long-term goal. Another part of me is torn by what is called anticipatory grief. I am walking away from two friends with whom I have spent the last three years, sharing the highs and lows of our mutual experiences. I have begun going on interviews with various agencies around the city. While I chose not to leave for just a slight increase in pay, the packages being offered now are much more attractive. I have to make more money in order provide for my family now. My priorities have shifted in the last few years, and I have to make decisions to accommodate such change. My time with ASI has pushed me to develop new skills. One of these is meeting deadlines. I hate paperwork, but I love getting paid. The connection between the two became crystal clear in the last three years. Also, I was able to establish a solid work record. My three years with ASI definitely give me a solid foundation to base my next few steps. I have seen many changes in both the agency and myself during that time and am grateful for the opportunity that was extended back in July of 2004. I have enjoyed working here and will continue my personal friendship with you and your staff. Sincerely, Joel Reed So that’s my letter of resignation from ASI. I’d prefer to just give two weeks, but I’m under contract to give a notice in writing and 30 days notice, so I had to go the formal route. I’m more grateful to my grandmother whose encyclopedia of letters gave me the format I used. Sure, the front piece is a but awkward, but I really wanted to get my point across. What point is that? Well, I have wanted to quit many times, but not just for a few pennies more across the street. Also, the relationships I developed with my clients was more of a friendship than a client/therapist. We’ve seen changes over time and I wanted to comment on that. At the same time, I am excited about looking for new work and going on interviews. The one this morning felt very solid. I was thrown by a question regarding schizophrenia. When I looked up the answer @ home, I realized that what I said was accurate. I guess that I actually did learn something in grad school. I have heard myself comment on the level of academic rigor and how I left SF in order to focus on the books. I guess that the message between the lines is that I am pretty smart when I focus and can do more than I actually give myself credit for being capable of doing. Part of me just doesn’t see what everyone has been seeing since I was little. Back then; my uncle called me “the professor.” It just felt awkward, being praised for reading or wanting to know about pyramids, chemistry, or whatever else caught my attention. More and more, I’m grateful to my grandmother for encouraging me to dig deeper into books. I don’t know where I’d be if it weren’t for her. She got me into drawing and painting as well. Things wouldn’t be and aren’t the same without her…

baby's 1st day @ school (yeah, really)

joelreed415 — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 17:53:00 GMT

So I just left the baby w/ some women I just met. I know, it sounds crazy to me as well. She’s @ this agency where a friend of ACV’s leaves her son, so that’s a very good recommendation. Also, we went by yesterday & chatted w/ the director. I believe that was her position, but I’m really not sure. They were really nice & answered my questions without being defensive or condescending. That was a major piece for me b/c we’ve been to a few places & they made me feel uneasy. Here I am working on my master’s in counseling; I’m almost done w/ internship. I should be done in a couple of months. Anyway, some of the people have been real snooty towards us. That wasn’t the case @ this place & that was a big piece for me. Also, when we were there this morning, the women said that the attachment anxiety I was feeling was normal which really put me at ease. I have heard a few people say that there aren’t many dads involved with their kids and that’s really shocking to me. It just seems natural for me to be there for CER. The house feels empty without her, but I’m stoked about being able to just sit & write for awhile without having to worry about a screaming baby. I had forgotten what the house was like when it’s just me here. Well, maybe not totally forgotten but I had gotten used to the idea of babysitting. I guess that what I’m saying is that I’m into the whole parenting thing. It feels awkward sometimes b/c I don’t see many other black dads working through it all. at the same time though, the guys @ the lodge have been really supportive & offered encouragement. The flowers they sent were real nice too… But I’d like to look into doing something around fatherhood though. when we were doing the birthing & parenting classes, the guys seemed to be along for the ride instead of really getting what they needed as far as info or support. Sure, I’m projecting some, but I read an article that suggested all male parenting classes helped guys to get more involved in the whole scene. I can agree with that b/c so much of the focus is on the mommy, and that makes sense. I think that daddy needs some type of support as well though. there are a number of guy things that don’t really get much attention. Like what? Well, for me, no one mentioned the fact that I would be changing a naked girl baby. I’m not sexually attracted to my daughter by any stretch of the imagination, but when I see naked vaginas, a certain set of attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors are cued. I have to put all that on the shelf & finish the job @ hand. Diapers are nasty, but I’m pretty much used to the fact that I’ll be changing them for a couple of years. Also, I don’t think that the baby’s all that cute anymore. Lovable? Yes, but with all the crying & screaming, the cuteness has worn thin. Sure, when she smiles and gurgles, I’m enraptured, but I know what’s underneath that. So yeah, I think that having some type of all male parenting class is something for me to do. I’ve been running groups for a few months & am about to get onto the licensure track. How hard would it be to gear up w/ other daddies? It’s something to look into once I’ve gotten everything done w/ school. I’m sure that there’s more men who feel the same way about kids. Maybe some wanted to have them & set out on that path, but I know that some guys are just along for the ride. Getting them involved can only help the family structure b/c dads are important. I’m sure that there’s some grief, loss, or trauma involved in all of that. For me, I’m facing the hole where my dad wasn’t. he died a few months after I was born, so I have no solid memories of him. I feel like the whole thing is an extended ad lib for me. People have said that I’m a good dad, but even that doesn’t ring true for me since I don’t have a frame of reference for what a good dad is or isn’t. I’ve been reading up on child abuse & neglect lately, so I know a bit more about that now. The thing is that I’m doing what comes naturally. I heard that was a good place to start. I’m not afraid of asking questions either… I’ve been looking at the jobs that are out there for a master’s level student and there are quite a few. The latest angle for me is the connection between jobs offered and my specialty: grief, loss, & trauma counseling. Like I saw a listing for an academic counselor. Getting through graduate school definitely makes on an academic, but where’s the connection? Also, I have seen a number of listings for case managers. Part of me is reluctant to go that route. Why? It doesn’t seem like a good fit in my eyes. Maybe that’s something for me to bring up w/ my therapist who’s gone through this whole route before. He’s been doing therapy for 10-15 years, so that makes him a good source for answering my questions. One of the best things I heard was that it will probably take 3-5 years to get ready for private practice if only b/c no one really knows me & probably won’t refer clients my way as a result. Getting settled in the bay area will definitely be a great place to do some work b/c I’ve wanted to support the black community since I left. Now I’m in a much better position to do so. That really feels good to me b/c I won’t have quite as much of a barrier to work through. Instead of having to work through race, I’ll have to focus more on class differences. I wouldn’t mind buying a house in HP off 3rd street though. some of those houses are nice. I’m looking forward to getting back in a major way. Words don’t even come close to describing the emotions I feel when I think about it all: the food, the beach, the music, my friends, the culture… Speaking of culture, I have been wrestling with a question and ultimately I have to admit that I’m just a big nerd. I’m fine with such a description b/c school is pretty interesting for me. The question: “Is pop culture “dumbing down” america?” was posed by my brother a few days back. (yes, we’re talking again. That’s a whole other deal) my response is that pop culture is like eating fast food. If that’s all one consumes then there are resulting issues with a direct connection from such a diet. I have to admit that I am in the outlying minority though b/c the norm these days seems to be moving away from actively engaging what one consumes and towards tying on the feedbag of media. At the same time, I realize that the mainstream is and has been the majority. I am much more finicky about what I like for movies, books, or tv. My music tastes are eclectic at best. House music has never gotten mainstream approval. The disco backlash seems to be balanced by the 90s rave scene. I just don’t want to admit to the anesthetizing effect of pop culture. I resist fascination with celebrity and glamour. It means nothing to me b/c I don’t know anyone who lives like that in my daily life. None of the big names interest me, but that doesn’t stop the Hollywood machine from churning out scandals, photos, and drama week after month after year. As far as dumbing down, I wonder about the stats regarding higher education. Have less doctorates or masters degrees been distributed in the last 10-20 years? Is the question harkening back to some “golden age” when celebrity meant less and young people were focused on something else? To me, the whole thing feels like a trap. It’s one of those questions with an implied yes answer. [this is x, isn’t it? Only a fool would believe something like that, no?] I guess that some of that media literacy stuff sank in along the way through school. to me, a lot of that stuff seemed obvious, but maybe I’m the only one who sees things that way. I don’t really care if I am, I’ve gotten used to such a long time back…

internship paper...

joelreed415 — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 05:07:59 GMT

here's my final paper for internship class...thought i'd share since i haven't posted in a bit: Joel Reed 31August7 “There's a common law enforcement / military / emergency preparation saying: ‘In a crisis, you will not rise to the occasion, but merely default to your level of training.’ ” The above quote comes from a response to a friend’s blog. It does not belong to me, but it sums up my present emotions succinctly. The whole discussion started with my friend talking about having to take her daughter to the hospital with a high fever. She often talks about the frustration of parenting along with the joy. Finishing my internship with a newborn in tow has proven to push all of my buttons and even a few of which I was previously unaware. While in the midst of feeling overwhelmed and dashed on the rocks, I have found a new sense of inner resolve that stems from what I have learned in pursuit of my master’s degree. When I started back in the fall of 2004, I was brash, cocky, and ready for a fight. Now, as I finish my internship hours, those same adjectives apply, but they no longer mask insecurity or apprehension. Instead of trying to fill the holes in my life with stuff, books, or other people, I have come to a place where those empty spaces have been filled by personal growth. This year has challenged everything I know and believe. I have become both a freemason and a father. In a few weeks, I will become a master of the art of counseling. Each has shown me that the things I have been seeking have been within me this whole time. While part of me feels like Dorothy at the end of “The Wizard of Oz”, another part of me looks forward to the challenges ahead. I now see that I have had the personal fortitude to accomplish whatever I choose all along. I feel that a real transformation has occurred in that the doubts and insecurities that plagued me in the past have faded in the light of conscious awareness. A prime example of this occurred last week during a group I have been running. One of the members stated that she wanted to just let go and live off the street. She wanted revenge on the drunken individual who struck her, causing severe physical and neurological damage. Instead of feeling threatened, I was able to respond from what I learned in class and during my time with San Francisco Suicide Prevention Hotline. I let her know that ultimately the choice was hers. At the same time, that choice would affect others around her. She would leave a number of people behind if she chose to die and they would definitely feel some type of loss. I avoided laying a guilt trip on her while involving the rest of the group at the same time. We all live in a community of one sort or another and it is easy to lose sight of how our choices affect our friends and family. After group was over, I took some time to debrief with my supervisor because I tend to minimize the impact of events. I told her what had happened and we spent some time talking about it all. Even though it seemed to be somewhat ordinary, I had to admit that I had to go above and beyond my usual skill set. I had to bring out some of the more specialized tools in order to put her issues into a context where she went from feeling overwhelmed and exhausted to feeling supported and involved. To me, that is nothing special. I believe anyone could do that. Again, minimizing is an old habit of mine. When I heard praise for how I handled the situation, an awkward feeling overtook me. I have to admit that I have learned how to not only handle crisis situations, but I am also able to empower people feeling the desperation of suicide. Not everyone can do that and make it seem easy, in a group or one on one situation. Instead of denying or arguing with complements, I have begun listening to the core message. I enjoy praise and contradicting it tends to prevent more from coming my way. While this may seem simple, this lesson has eluded me for years and years. My point is that while I felt awkward hearing that I did the right thing, someone noticed what I did and let me know that. Accepting that fact is a huge step for me because I usually feel like I handled things clumsily at best and sloppily at worst. My internship experience has shown me that I actually am capable of applying what I learned in class in real world situations. I have to own the possibility that I am on track to becoming a good therapist who helps people. During a conversation a few days back, I heard myself say that the goals I set out to accomplish in my letter of intent are actually within reach now. That makes me feel good considering what motivated me to leave urban San Francisco for bucolic New Mexico. I was living in Hunter’s Point, an area known for gang violence and military pollution. After 9.11.2001, I wanted to do something more permanent than protesting in the street or vilifying the president. It still makes me laugh to think that getting an education can be a political statement. My point is that it hurt to see so many young black males being fed into the justice system as a result of drugs, gangs, or gun violence. It looks like I will be able to begin working with Job Corps here in Albuquerque and transfer back to San Francisco in about a year from now. From there, I can work with young people in order to help the come to grips with their sense of grief or trauma in order to get back on track with life. While that may amount to throwing a thimble full of water onto a forest fire, it makes me proud and encourages me to be a good father for my daughter. I may not have much training to fall back onto in that department, but I’m not afraid to ask for help when I need it. Somehow, that might help.

father's day/ daddy's night

joelreed415 — Mon, 18 Jun 2007 08:17:40 GMT

Sunday, 17june7. Few minutes before midnight and I feel the urge to write. i’ll start at the beginning because that just seems like a good place. I’ve been thinking about the baby and her birthday. It looks like we’ll be inducing on Tuesday. It gave me a chance to enjoy a quiet father’s day. I went to work after relaxing w/ ACV a bit. It feels like all of the chaos I keep hearing about is overrated. Maybe it’s because the baby’s not here yet…well, actually. One of the first things I was thinking abut was how my birthday is around thanksgiving & Camille…who will be referred to as CER from now on…her birthday is near thanksgiving. My father died in an auto wreck a few months after I was born, april 72. I plan on being involved w/ my daughter’s life for much longer. Sure, it’s not like he abandoned my family, but such a viewpoint is irrelevant to a 4 month old. So it’s an interesting twist in my view, the birthday positioning and all that. Me? I love having my birthday around thanksgiving. People are usually in a good mood, the holidays are around the corner, & the weather’s nice a chilly. It’s not super cold yet, but summer’s long gone. I look forward to holidays with my daughter, a chance to celebrate life and its events. I’ve been reading a few pieces written by fathers. I flipped through a few books on becoming a father. I’m reading a book by this guy in the bay area writing about his first year w/ a new daughter. One of the things I haven’t heard is a voice like mine in the mix. I’d love to promise that I’ll write faithfully, never missing a session of writing twice a much to make up for this or that. I know the person I am & have been so wasting time like that won’t really change much. The problem of what to write about is solved for a while though. I’m really fjording every stream, y’know? I haven’t heard much written by black fathers, or by fathers whose dad was largely out of the picture. Sure, my mum remarried when I was ten, but that’s a lot of formative periods in those years. By the time I was ten, I was in the 4th grade. It was awkward b/c they got married on x-mas day in 81. Being a JW at the time, we didn’t do holidays. None. Birthdays, valentines, st. patty’s, 4th of july…I could go on, but why? Anyway, my step-dad’s birthday is x-mas day actually. It’s pretty funny actually when I think about when in the year a person is born. So yeah…the whole event was clumsy for me. I look forward to having holidays w/ CER. I’m really not too nervous about being a father. There are so many moments that I want to share that apprehension or trepidation don’t really have much room. Museums and oceans, trains and books, music and forests…so much of that is down the road though, sure. There’s still the delivery & the drive home. I feel like I’m at a good place in my life. I’ve worked hard to get the wheels spinning in my direction. School’s nearly done. The internship is moving forward. Things are going well. It’s something that I’ve had to work on accepting b/c I’m so used to coping or picking up pieces from this or that. I had mentioned a day or two back that it seems like the lesson is to allow the baby to make her own choices. Choosing between reading or singing is still a choice. It feels like I’m swinging between wanting to write about being a father & what all that means for a while and then I want to swing over to fascination/excitement around CER. It’s an interesting type of generational parallax view. The Parallax View is Slavoj Zizek's most substantial theoretical work to appear in many years; Zizek himself describes it as his magnum opus. Parallax can be defined as the apparent displacement of an object, caused by a change in observational position. Zizek is interested in the "parallax gap" separating two points between which no synthesis or mediation is possible, linked by an "impossible short circuit" of levels that can never meet. From this consideration of parallax, Zizek begins a rehabilitation of dialectical materialism. http://mitpress.mit.edu/catalog/item/default.asp?ttype=2&tid=10762 so yeah, I think that the tension b/n losing my dad & having a daughter in the last few months of grad school are those “two points.” I’m wrestling w/ the “impossible short circuit” of having some type of early fathering memories to grab hold of when stakes are high. I’ve been reading & asking questions, but nothing really speaks to my emotions. Also, I know that zizek is talking about quantum physics, so I step back a punt. Quantum psychology: Quantum Psychology is a practical approach to becoming mindful of both the relationship between our automatic responses and what triggers them, as well as the mechanism, itself, of those automatic responses.  It offers a means to enable you to stay in your adult experience of what is in your present moment, and maintain rather than lose access to inner resources which your automatic responses cut you off from. You are able to notice the mechanism of your automatic response "trance" and exercise control over it. You are then able to respond more effectively, free of the emotional charge of past experiences. http://users.skynet.be/sky52523/en/peronal_development/quantum_psychology.htm so yeah, I’ve learned a little bit since I left SF, CA for SF, NM. I think that I’ve had a chance to clear up a few of the blurry areas of my life. I think leaving NC helped me become a man, moving to NM gave me a chance to become the man I was. Living in CA forced me to grow up. I felt like I was distracted from academics when I was @ ASU b/c I had to catch up on loads of socializing that I had missed via the isolation of growing up JW. Remember the whole no holiday thing? Well, that extended into birthday parties too. So there were a bunch of mistakes that I made that I might have been able to avoid if I was a bit more experienced. I wouldn’t trade any of them for anything in the world though. it’s what made me who I am now, all of it. So I haven’t really heard the black dad voice much. I’m not asking why or pointing fingers. Instead, I’m just pointing out an empty space & writing to work through what’s missing in all of the parenting hype in america 2007. First off, I’m not the real target demographic for most of the magazines or whatever trash fits into the mailbox. Next off, I’m looking forward to wearing the baby strap-on deal b/c I know that dropping the baby just happens. I’m torn on the alpha/beta mom issue though. it’s a bit early for me. I really don’t like the knuckle biting frenzy & lean more towards the beta, but there’s still room for discussion. For now, I’m glad that there’s day care @ the gym. It’s easier for me to work out in the winter, so by then the baby will be a few months old & ready for socializing a bit w/ other babies. Speaking of alpha moms & other babies, I picked up this book called the hurried child. It’s an older book that speaks to the possible effects of constantly running kids from pillar to post w/ sports, music, and homework. I’m not afraid of technology. I feel that I’ll be somewhat effective in passing on a worldview in which my daughter will be somewhat capable of handling most of life’s intricacies and a sense of inner-resourcefulness to handle the rest. The rest is her persona. I’m looking forward to having a few years to get to know her. It’s taken a bit of restraint to go off the deep end with infant personality assessment instruments. It’s nothing to get most measures and having gone through a counseling program at the grad level gets me access to a whole other set that the lay population can’t. (tricky side note: the third level of personality instruments comes from training w/ a licensed institute or individual. The Rorshach ink blot test falls into this category.) I’m intentionally taking off those gloves for now & enjoying the last few hours before it all comes together. Taking time to look out on the landscape that is 35 years. Listening to old faves, combing through a few comics. I recently finished tommy chong’s book from when he was in prison. He quit smoking & promised not to puff again until it’s legal in the US…batman, ghost rider, and usagi yojimbo. Mmm…amor y cohetes. Though I can’t wait to share Palomar or locas, I know that I’ll probably be in my 50’s or older before we can laugh about the stories. Luba & Maggie as bedtime heroes? That’s not even a question. A mayor w/ a hammer & a prosolar mechanic are just as solid archetypes as bast, hera, or sojourner truth. Personally, I’d have to rank ida b. wells a bit higher, but that’s just on the strength of leaving Tennessee after publishing both a newspaper & books on lynching http://www.duke.edu/~ldbaker/classes/AAIH/caaih/ibwells/ibwbkgrd.html http://www.gutenberg.org/files/14975/14975-h/14975-h.htm which brings up an interesting question. How to handle the issues of race, class, and gender? By and large, black dads have a history of absence. Finishing college, also not high on the list of average black dads. Grad school has been a load of busy work that’s a bit more important than staying in the lines, but that’s another bedtime story. I want my doctorate and would love to do it at UBC Vancouver. I want to keep writing and maybe teach a few classes at the community college level. So yeah, academics are important and will be down the road…I guess it was ida wells who reminded me that blacks in this country once had their eyes gauged out for learning to read & write. The whole slave thing will be a different lesson than walking, but the whole world is our oyster… one of the things that sapped loads of my enthusiasm was the whole “don’t get interested in anything b/c the world is going to end anyway” set of beliefs. It took a while to comb through what I didn’t want in order to sort out what I wanted. I had thought about becoming a printer when I was leaving high school, but chose psychology b/c it was more “professional” & not like learning a trade. I has some class issues that pushed me out of learning to run presses. I heard that depression runs rampant in printers because of all the metals in ink & dye. I still love screen printing though & probably will down the road. It’s the urge to create that pushes me to write & draw. I have about 6 months until I’m done w/ my master’s degree & that has been a creative process itself. I haven’t really had much to say about nit all b/c I’m still involved w/ it. I don’t have a clear perspective, so I just keep moving forward… <object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/G9wOt27rJSo"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/G9wOt27rJSo" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>

legacy of brutality

joelreed415 — Thu, 19 Apr 2007 23:45:59 GMT

when discussing our culture of violence, video games and violent movies take much of the blame. I feel that this view tends to limit the scope of the discussion to how young people imitate what they see on the screen… http://gamepolitics.com/2007/04/17/dr-phil-blames-video-games-for-virginia-tech-massacre/ this hinders the discussion by taking attention from older criminals committing equally vicious crimes… “A convicted sex offender says he was proud of an underground bunker he built beneath his home, where prosecutors said he bound two teen girls with duct tape, raped them and left them to die. Authorities have said the girls managed to escape in March 2006 and tell police about their ordeal in the room that was just 4 1/2 feet deep and roughly the length and width of a midsize car.” http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=3051016 what movie or video game inspired something like that? Sure, some movies are more violent than others. The same goes with video games. I feel that we have a larger issue at hand and going for the easy answer won’t prevent the next Jonestown, David Koresh, or unibomber. That guy Hinson is 48 years old. If violent movies and games inspire the youth of today to kill and plunder, what gave him his ideas? Where is the marilyn manson of 30-40 years past? The grand theft auto back then was a little more than bits and pixels. That’s how I see it and would love to chat with anyone on the subject…

25mar7: iceberg dworkin

joelreed415 — Sun, 25 Mar 2007 16:58:39 GMT

It’s a nice, rainy Friday morning and I’ve decided to write about what’s on my mind even though it’s not a complete set of ideas. What is it? Well, I decided to read about who andrea dworkin really was & what she had to say. her words bring up a number of other ideas for me. First off, I’d like to mention the fact that feminism has been declared dead by at least one writer: http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/story/0,20867,21342722-7583,00.html That’s only part of the idea though. through much of the 90’s, I listened to feminist thought in order to hear what was being said. I didn’t have much to say one way or the other b/c I was a real academic neophyte. I found myself apologizing for indulging in male privilege. Then I took some time to look at the “male movement” to see what they had to say. I found a bunch of white guys working to reclaim their losses. I didn’t feel too welcome, so I took my absence silently. Then I left north Carolina and moved to San Francisco, a real hot bed (pun intended) of sex and ideas. Gone were the moralizing and degradation, the accusations and apologies. I eventually fell in with a group of bisexual writers and artists who were working on a magazine (anything that moves, for those who are interested). I was tapped to guest edit an issue concerning queers of color right around the time of September 11th, 2001… Where am I going with this personal history lesson? Well, my point is that I’ve wanted to write about sex and sexuality from a more academic point of view for quite some time. It’s been at least 5 years, if not longer. When I sit down to pour out my ideas, I frequently find myself alone. I thought that grad school might be an arena to discuss ideas freely, but ask me about “consciousness 2 weekend” over drinks & I’ll tell you a silly story that ends badly for me. Needless to say, we don’t talk much about sex or sexuality at school, even though we’re training to become therapists. The silliest thing that I’ve found lies somewhere between the list of people not getting any at all and the hook ups between students. I’ve been lucky enough to be in a long- term relationship while I’ve been in grad school. I know the type of slut I am and taking the long walk on a short leash has prevented a few flare ups with individuals who later turned out to have serious issues. I won’t say they’re crazy, out loud. If I pointed fingers & you knew whom I was mentioning, you’d probably agree though… My point was to explore the space between andrea dworkin and iceberg slim. Yes, the strident feminist and the unashamed pimp. A while back, I purchased a sweatshirt with the phrase “pornography rapes the mind” in big letters across the chest. I wear it from time to time when I feel especially confrontational. I wear it more than my Japanese dick shirt, but that’s what I’m wanting to discuss. There has to be some way to balance the two poles. I realize that the duality itself is a trap. I owe Dr. L. Head for that one. If you’re reading this…thanks. Anyway, my point is that I have issues with feminism that I’ve tried to resolve over the years. Maybe I just haven’t met very many women who identify as feminist in the last few years. I guess that echoes the earlier statement that feminism is dead. I’m willing to admit being wrong, but I need someone to point out vibrant threads within the female community to show me the error of my statement that it might indeed be dead… Anyway…I had a point that I was making. I know that it may be a bastardization of the two writers’ efforts, but I feel that Dworkin & Slim both had a bit in common: a) both wrote about women b) both discussed the roles of women in the bigger social machine c) both wrote to inspire social change maybe I’m comparing wrenches and asparagus with this. One of the things that I miss since I’ve moved to new mexico is having someone to bounce ideas off of in times like this. The whole of what I’m saying would be a great thing to chat about over a few pints…which brings me to another point. My grad school experience…I guess that it might be too soon to make comments on the whole of it. I’m not far enough away from the whole thing to have much perspective, but that just sounds like I’m dismissing myself before I’ve even gotten started. I’m the only black guy there, and have been since I started. I saw that this other black guy had graduated from SWC. I tried to contact him awhile back, but that came to nothing. I have two points that I’m making: a) there are huge swaths of material that aren’t covered in the curriculum that I feel are important (child abuse, sex/sexuality, domestic violence…to name a few topics) b) being the only black guy in my graduate program has given me cause to complain, but I’ve chosen to use that frustration to fuel my creativity instead. I’d like to have discussions about race and class in a situation where I’m not the only one breaking the homogenous mold. While I’ve wanted to explore race, I’ve really felt stifled by this. Maybe I’ll have a chance to write more about this down the road. I’m looking forward to having some time to write once I’m done w/ school… anyway, the pimp and the feminist seem to echo the Hendrix/Cosby split in a few ways. Hendrix/cosby??? It’s from an old sonic youth album…the ciccone youth whitey album. Check it out if you’re into 80s noise rock. It’s a bit more coherent than the boredoms, but in the same vein. But Hendrix was more of an outsider while cosby played it safe and has gotten more mainstream acceptance. Anyway, I feel on the outs with mainstream black community and have for years. I grew up as a skate punk in the 80s. take a look at the afro-punk post for more on that. Anyway, the middle and upper class black community hold to a number of conservative concepts like heterosexuality (take a quick look @ the MIAKA controversy to see the hypocrisy and homophobia in the black community), x-tianity, and the value of reputation and appearance. These rub me the wrong way from time to time. If you know much about me, you know I’m anything but x-tian. Which brings up a funny point: a supreme being. I’m more of a polytheist than atheist or agnostic. I just can’t believe that there’s just one of whatever there is out there. Believing in a supreme entity is one of the primary steps to becoming a freemason. It doesn’t matter who or what that being is, you just can’t be an atheist & a freemason…anyway, I’m saying that I’ve felt like I’m the black male spokesman at school and that puts me in a funny position. How can I be the sole representative for a community that I’m don’t agree with 100% in the first place? it’s like having a stripper talk about feminism. Sure, she can have insight and all that, but your job contradicts some of the points in your argument. I’m not a big fan of hip-hop music, but I love the Detroit sound of house, and Chicago house is one of my long time loves. I love disco & electronic music and probably always will. So I’ve come to terms with being an outsider of sorts, but I’ve found myself having to come from a more mainstream slant from time to time due to the demographics of my school. Maybe that’s what brings me to holding the slim/dworkin poles at the same time. They were both outsiders who struggled with the larger picture of america from their own position on the periphery. Race and gender aren’t discussed often and when they are, they’re usually handled singularly. I feel that does a disservice to each concept and it also perpetuates the pigeonholing of ideas. I’m all for the academic mash-up of interdisciplinary studies. I think that’s really what excites me about getting my doctorate. I want to pull together ideas from here & there. I really am excited about taking some time to work out sports psychology from a grief & loss angle. Isolation is just as, if not more, devastating as cancer or leukemia. Team sports as a community can help one through issues of depression, loss, or bereavement. There’s still a lot of studying and writing to do in this arena, but it’s really exhilarating to build something with the blocks of sports, psychology, bereavement, and therapy. I had wanted the peer review journal to serve as a source of ideas, but it’s going in another direction. That’s fine because I still want an outlet to write, but I guess what I’m saying is that I look forward to being able to chat over a few pints with some old friends b/c I miss the academic stimulation. Grad school has been disappointing in that way for me. I wanted more intellectual sparring instead of emotional soaking. Maybe I chose the wrong school for that, but I’m so close to finishing that it’s easier to just move on and meet my needs somewhere else. What a drag though…I’ve been accused of being too intellectual a few times. That seems like such a silly claim to make, especially in a graduate program. I understand that the primary emphasis at SWC is emoting and expressing one’s feelings. That’s not a contentious point for me. I just don’t see how thinking and building well planned arguments can be a threat. I’m even willing to admit that intellectual pursuits have been traditionally male dominated arenas, but like I said earlier…I’ve cut my teeth with feminists. I grew up around strong women and am not threatened by smart women with something to say. maybe I just haven’t met many women of color like that in the last few years. I’m reminded of the last day of my applied models class. A woman came to class and asked us what we saw as our next few steps after graduation. Me? I said that I wanted to work with people who looked more like me than my classmates. I want to soak in a non-white academic experience for a while. I had wanted to find a black grad school, but that brings me back to dealing with a more conservative experience than I had originally planned. It’s a funny experience when I look at the big picture. Maybe going to Canada will be the move for a doctoral program. Spending some time in the bay area will definitely give me some of the cultural resonance that I’ve been missing…

19feb7:i'm in yr x, y-ing yr z

joelreed415 — Mon, 19 Feb 2007 07:07:03 GMT

So yeah…Sunday morning & I’m back from the dog walk…she loves it so much that I can’t say no to the dog…real joy…funny bumper sticker…I want to be the person my dog thinks I am… Been thinking about the body lately...the value of health…wanting to ease the dissonance between my feelings & that of others…how’s that? Well, I feel somewhat irresponsible for getting my girlfriend pregnant…like I dropped the ball or something, y’know? Well, I keep getting congratulations…it’s weird, but I say thanks & all…hmm…gearing up for classes in march…there’s a guy @ work who’s having a baby & we might coordinate & all that…they say that the classes make a big difference b/c it opens a person up to meet other people who are having babies around the same time…more on that later… Alice Coltrane died in January & I just found out about it over the weekend. I was sorting through video clips & saw some memorial stuff…I thought “memorial…d’oh!”…she was john Coltrane’s widow and an awesome musician in her own right…quick sidenote…today is yoko ono’s 74’th b’day…74? Which actually works out b/c she was in her 30’s during the 60’s when she met john @ a show of her art work…anyway, alice Coltrane… <object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/O7VabRFFk5g"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/O7VabRFFk5g" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7VabRFFk5g 20+ minute homage to the light that she was… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ml3Qoadif6o <object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Ml3Qoadif6o"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Ml3Qoadif6o" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object> …wow…we also lost Robert anton Wilson a few months ago…yes, I actually have seen the fnords…thanks for asking…ps – I <3 reverb… umm…a few things have brought up the concepts of abundance, privilege, wealth, and plenty…me? I tend to see things as an abundance and not a scarcity situation…there’s always more than enough…I found out that everyone doesn’t come from such a world view, and I was shocked by my projections of those people compared to what they were saying…a real “so that’s who you really are” moment… just like when dude in therapy’s son mentioned the initials of a classmate who his dad was dating…y’know I went right to find a directory after they left…and y’know there’s only one person with those initials…oh damn… maybe I’ve already said too much, but I had to say something… anyway…I’ve been thinking about the next steps w/ school & all that…university of british Columbia sounds hot…they have an interdisciplinary doctorate program that may give me the arena to work out the grief & loss angle of sports psychology…they have kinesiology, psych/social work, and a whole health department as well…with the baby on the way, I am looking forward to reading to her about the boring world of theory…I’ve heard that reading to the baby is a good thing…there’s so much that I want to sort through once I’m done with class work in march…one of the good things about the time during my internship is that I can write & read a lot more of what I want to instead of video reviews and book summaries…there’s a bunch of paperwork to do as well though…but yeah…Vancouver is doable…I’d like to get back to SF and get settled next spring…ACV wants to do undergrad in international business, so that gives me time to write a bit & get up to par for applying to doctorate programs…the peer review journal thing is moving & I see myself staying involved with that after I’m done w/ the program…it’s the perfect outlet for me to write…it will be fun to open it up to other schools for submissions…the whole concept keeps me excited b/c it’s what I’ve wanted since the ATM years…for those who may wonder there was this magazine named anything that moves in SF…I worked with them around 2001 & I had been tapped to guest edit an issue…the whole thing fell apart for a number of short term and long term problems… good thing is that other mag followed & is ripping it up in the world… http://www.othermag.org/ mad love for charliegirl!!!!! An awesome writer of the higherest degree…yeah…higherest…go to the highest & then keep on going…’coz I know you can, dammit… http://www.charlieanders.com/ anyway…it’s off to slum at what I call my weekend job…urban life can be so hard sometimes… < tiny violins fading > …

11feb7.black culture is really strong

joelreed415 — Sun, 11 Feb 2007 18:27:51 GMT

It’s so huge…I don’t even know where to start…so check this…maybe it will clue you in to where I am… Afro punk trailer: www.youtube.com/v/5uXCvbIcg58 “Afro-Punk, a 66-minute documentary, explores race identity within the punk scene. More than your everyday, Behind the Music or typical "black history month" documentary this film tackles the hard questions, such as issues of loneliness, exile, inter-racial dating and black power.” I saw the whole thing when it was here in ABQ. Hot like Atlanta pavement in august @ 330pm. Yeah…great moments in black culture…when discussing the black punk experience two central names come up for me: bad brains and fishbone…yes, there were a few others, but I dare you to name them…what the fuck? You may ask. Well…as much as I hate playing the cultural tour guide, expecting everyone to be on my page, I feel it may be necessary to point out exactly who they were/are/will be… Bad brains…@ the movies: www.youtube.com/v/ovlAWgDG8H0 this video is from 1979…yes, 79. I turned 8 that year. I vaguely remember the sex pistols’ american tour being mentioned on TV. That was around 1976. One memory from that era that will always stay with me is Jonestown. It was about a week before my 7th birthday in 1978. The mass suicide left me at a real loss. I could not understand what would make a person wan to snuff it. Another event in the same vein was the death of Freddy Prinz. He died in January of ’77. I totally remember watching him on “chico & the man.” The whole thing just didn’t ring true in my mind at the time. Why would someone want to take their own life? It all served to reinforce a certain cynicism within me. An awareness that nothing mattered because of avarice, jealousy, and greed… speaking of which: bad brains…I against I: www.youtube.com/v/1SU-7OxVcOo this ripped my head off with steel claws the first time I saw it. Nothing had prepared me for that moment. Sure…Hendrix ripped it, but that was 60’s style…I grew up as a skater in the 80’s and it just seemed that hip hop culture was getting all of the attention of black popular culture at the time. This brings me to one of the things that I wanted to mention while writing this. It’s the whole “only black person there” thing. The afro punk trailer opened with that and it really hit me. I brought it up in class a couple weeks back and dug deep into it all. Both my mom & grandmother were registered nurses. My grandmother graduated from Hampton in 1934, definitely old school. From them I learned to push myself towards a certain high level of achievement. It’s what is driving me towards my doctorate. We went into my emotions around being the only black male at a school of about 200 students. I have heard other black writers lament the sense of isolation. It didn’t mean very much until I moved into santa fe. Living in the bay area was more than awesome. It was a sense of home and belonging, One quick side note: dude who’s wearing glasses who’s talking about running into another black person @ the club plays in TV on the Radio. I know him through some friends & all that. His point is valid though. Even though we may be the only black people @ the spot doesn’t guarantee that we’ll get along. Sure, the same is true in many other subcultures. The thing is that after struggling through so much bullshit to find a sense of safety or solid identity, getting hassled by the one person who could really validate the experience can be very devastating to an individual. Imagine jews hating on each other @ Auschwitz. Another example would be tale bearers during the american slave era. Many people lost their lives at the hands these while struggling for group liberation… So yeah, black punk. One thing that people may overlook is the fact that punk has two widely different meanings depending upon who uses the term. Punk usually refers to individuals from the sid vicious rebel archetype. At the same time though, it refers to a homosexual within black slang. The term “punk ass bitch” doesn’t really point one to the exploited or dead kennedys….this song by fishbone points towards the confusion of media overload… fishbone w/ modern industry: www.youtube.com/v/YF5RVIrm8go so yeah…media overload…if you’ve hung out w/ me long enough, you probably know that there’s an ever shifting list of favorite new songs. Right now it’s bonde do role’s “melo do tobaco” (ask for it by name). For a while it was anything by “she wants revenge” or that track by the faint “take me to the hospital.” For a long time though, this was my favorite song when it came out back in the day. I vaguely remember seeing this video on MTV, but definitely not on BET. Which brings me to a really interesting cultural phenomena: house music. House isn’t techno, but they’re very friendly neighbors. the issue that I bring up is that most black radio stations avoided techno like the plague in the 80’s & 90’s. this isn’t a 100% thing though b/c there were stations in Chicago and new york that did pay attention to the clubs who were playing this stuff. A big piece of the problem is that hip hop maintains a certain hyper-masculine façade that obscures almost anything else, especially the possibility of alternative sexual practices which may be found in the disco. The cultural gaze of most fails to see the variations of tone in the other’s culture. If you asked me the difference between different eras of classical or country music, I would be hard pressed to provide details. At the same time, if the average american was questioned about the difference between 80’s and 90’s Japanese pop music, they would not have much to say. Here in america, the fear of homosexuality plays out in black culture with various results. Black homophobia is really an interesting situation. Black masculinity has been redefined by each era of american culture and what we have now is a highly distilled amalgam of internally produced and externally applied behaviors and concepts. One question that I continue to wrestle with is whether or not what young black men claim as being their culture spawns from within them, is a collection of adopted traditions from their peers and elders, or maybe some third or fourth possibility. This concerns me with homosexuality. So much of what I see as external homosexual behavior seems to be an assortment of bitchy cattiness, flamboyant histrionics, and other “gay” catchphrases. Where are the strong gay men in popular culture? Where does a young homosexual male find a model for responsible, level-headed behavior “in the life?” Another thing that bothers me is the excitement surrounding young black men adopting self destructive patterns because they feel that such is their cultural heritage, a legacy of pimps, junkies, hustlers, and whores. I look back further to the age of black empire for inspiration. Names like mansa musa or ibn batuta come to mind. The whole journey of mansa musa still stands out as one of the more baller moments in world history. Apparently, dude gave away so much gold that it drove down the value of it for more than a decade after he was done travelling. If you haven’t heard of dude, it’s an awesome story from world history. < http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mansa_Musa > (one of the funnier parts of the story is that he ran out of money on the way back home.) Axum, Mali, Songhay, Kush…there are so many to name that I just get lost. I look forward to sharing the tales with my daughter when she arrives. The best part of all that for me is the fact that they were black and they were much more glorious than the age of Arthurian England. The whole of it boils down to the fact that black culture is strong. I’ll close this with one of my favorite songs…when problems arise by fishbone…. Hula girls and fishbone? Sounds like a good idea to me… when problems arise: www.youtube.com/v/ZaRQmZjicM8 rock, rock on…

4feb7:black culture is strong...

joelreed415 — Sun, 04 Feb 2007 18:06:01 GMT

So anyway, this is me on Sunday morning with a few ideas. Like what? Well, one thing that comes to mind is a quote from Langston Hughes. If I’m not mistaken, he said that the hour of 11-noon on Sunday was the most segregated hour in america. I have to agree. Anyway I have been thinking about black history month and posting a bit about black culture in 2007. In that vein, I submit Ms. Peachez with “in the tub.” Yes, the song has lots of room for improvement. That’s not my point. Sure, the video production is low budget. That’s not even a question. What about this strikes me as an important moment in black culture? Why is this my choice to begin black history month? Well, I believe that she’s a transvestite of some sort or another. That feels like a safe bet to me. First off, she/he has enough savvy to pull together a silly video and most of us haven’t. sure, the artist’s response is always “I could do that better.” To that I say, “prove it.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GautSlgAsN0 Next off, the song isn’t any great composition. It’s a simple jingle with a catchy hook, you hear me? It is a celebration though. it describes a happy time in life. It’s anything but a “love gone wrong” tune. It’s easy to hate this song for one reason or another, granted. My point is that it might be something else than a country bumpkin ditty about washing your booty. We live in an era where lynching, a statistically outlying possibility, still happens. Does the name Jasper, Texas ring a bell? Why or why not? Check out this link and remember that this was less than ten years ago: http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/jasper1.html yes, lynching isn’t what it used to be, but that’s not what I’m saying. I submit that the black male body as cultural icon doesn’t always get attention for much besides sports or music these days. As a result, we may become suspect of anything that doesn’t fit the traditional roles or expectations. Ms. Peachez is clearly in a field on her own. Is she/he redefining gender identity roles in our post millennium era? Is there room in the mainstream for such a performer? The internet has brought other little known performers to the light. One of my favorites is reverend Alicia: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0nsbMHb5608 so, I submit Ms. Peachez as a representative of black american culture. We all can’t be Sidney Portier. There’s enough room under the umbrella for us all…

28dec6jb's dead, ja rly

joelreed415 — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 14:58:20 GMT

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): Happy Holy Daze, Sagittarius! My gift for you is the following oracle: A breakthrough you were blessed with in 1995 will be coming back around in 2007. How? Three possible ways: (1) You'll be inspired to make changes to whatever sprang from that original breakthrough 12 years ago. (2) You'll be visited by a new version of that breakthrough, in a higher octave this time. (3) You'll attempt a quantum leap that resembles the original, but happens in a different area of your life. General Forecast A crisis of sorts jump starts the holiday weekend as militant Mars in Sagittarius challenges disruptive Uranus in Pisces, a prognosis for disaster that falls too close to the anniversary of the Boxing Day tsunami to ignore. Make lots of winter solstice magic, bring in the light. Christmas Eve feels stable (no pun intended) as traditional Saturn and Mercury form a supportive trine in heart-felt fire signs. Mercury merging with Pluto on Christmas Day can be a sign that meaningful change, a positive transformation is in the cards. Peace on Earth? I think not. Mercury moves into Capricorn, joining the sun and Venus, on Wednesday. Back to business as usual. Sagittarius Sagittarius: Nov. 22 - Dec. 21 The usual holiday hi-jinks aside, "malefic" Mars in your sign may cause quite a bit of trouble when it challenges unpredictable Uranus in your Pisces home base. Be careful around water, electricity, too; this weekend you're more accident-prone than usual. And for a clumsy Centaur, that's saying something. What you have in your favor is a heightened ability to rise like the mythical phoenix from the crap surrounding you. Learn the many ways to undergo a transformation during Mercury's merger with reconstructive Pluto on Christmas Day. …well then…Tuesday night/Wednesday morning and I wanted to get a few words out of my head and onto paper. X-mas went well yesterday. We had ACV’s family over through the day. BTR hadn’t really done the holidays, so that was something new. It’s been a real experience to have dude with us through the season. It took me a minute to get used to the idea of presents and trees and all that, so I can understand some of his feelings. I’m at that point of the year where it’s time to look at making resolutions and appraising the year gone by. As far as resolutions, I’d like to do at least one drawing a day. It doesn’t have to be a super intricate stippling deal or a poster sized collage, just one drawing a day. I did it back in 2000 and it was great fun. That was during the postcard era for my drawings. Some of the pieces went pretty far. I scanned them into photoshop and used filters and effects to make something very impressive from time to time. Not all of the pieces were golden classics, but there were a few gems from time to time. The way to get them is to keep drawing. I’ve been wanting to get back into it, but have been distracted by this or that. I can see that this baby is going to change everything though, and I want to keep drawing through the experience. It’s been a way to keep track of ideas in a way that words fail to capture. I can see some of the pieces and remember what I was thinking about like it was nothing. I’ve gotten into some of the Masonic imagery as I’ve been working on the memorization work. My point was imagery though. I’ve enjoyed the language of symbols and now am beginning a new path… Something to say, I’ve got it. I’m really enjoying the cold weather. I read something that was mentioning how winter used to be lean and barren. With our advances in technology, we can enjoy bounty and surplus During a season that was once full of darkness and fear for early cultures. I feel that we lose more people to death during the winter than in the spring or summer. It seems hard on the weak and some just don’t make it. I met a woman whose birthday was on the 28th of November. We laughed about the joy of thanksgiving and how it’s always a festive time around our birthdays. I’ve read a bit on Chinese astrology and their system of twelve year cycles. According to their signs, I was born in a year of the pig, last of the animals who answered the buddha’s invitation. Their signs last for a full lunar year instead of a lunar month as the greek system uses. Their years also have elements assigned to them, among other things. I was born in 1971, year of the metal pig. We are coming into a pig year, fire pig to be exact. My child will be born under the same sign as I was, which has auspicious meanings. We will be able to connect and enjoy life’s pleasures without some of the conflict that marks other parent-child configurations. I’m not saying that this parenting thing will be a breeze, but I’m not afraid of it either. People have been having babies since day one. It’s not a life or death bomb defusing scenario, so I think we’ll be fine. We go for an ultrasound this afternoon and will find out if the baby has down’s syndrome. I’m not sure about the spelling of that, but the message is there…anyway, I’m looking forward to finishing school and getting into the work and parent groove. It feels like I’ve arrived at another level of development. The horoscope mentioned the following: “A breakthrough you were blessed with in 1995 will be coming back around in 2007. How? Three possible ways: (1) You'll be inspired to make changes to whatever sprang from that original breakthrough 12 years ago. (2) You'll be visited by a new version of that breakthrough, in a higher octave this time. (3) You'll attempt a quantum leap that resembles the original, but happens in a different area of your life.” Well, the first thing that I hear in there is the 12 year part. 95 was the last pig year we’ve had. I thought I had finished @ ASU and moved out to California. The deal w/ ASU was that I thought I had graduated. I walked with cap & gown, all that. Then I get a letter stating that my major GPA wasn’t what it needed to be & that my degree would be withheld. I was upset, but didn’t let it dampen my wanderlust. Also, I cut my finger @ work & still have the scar. It’s up the tip of my right middle finger…that whole time was confusing for me. I didn’t have the sense of self or internal direction that helps me make decisions now. I was more at the whim of the situation instead of making things happen. An old friend of mine once said that we control about 5% of our lives & that the rest involved stuff that was largely out of our hands. Somehow, I found that to be really soothing. I feel that much of life is made of reacting to situations I find myself involved with from day to day. I have my set agenda, but there’s so much extraneous stuff that needs my attention at the same time. It’s funny sometimes, and I laugh instead of getting frustrated…I don’t think that I’m a fatalist though. Nothing’s predetermined or anything like that. I try to point out fatalism when I hear it because it’s just so damn disempowering. The whole “I can’t do anything about it” attitude really bugs me. If you can’t change it, then just kill yourself. I feel that anything can at least be handled in a number of ways. Fatalism bugs me because it saps life of its vitality. We’re just along for the ride? Bullshit. I think that the other 95% that we can control is our reactions. Choosing to rollover and die or to figure out how to cope with this or that makes up much of the missing percentage. Another friend of mine has been doing voice work & seems to be getting consistent work with it. His message was basically to get up & get active with whatever lights our fire. External approval is fickle. Personal approval is way more important. The idea was worth it no matter how far it goes, or doesn’t. it’s the same with this journal @ school. I just feel that it’s something to do that’s important. I know that down the road, something like that will really mean something. Students having an outlet to sharpen the craft of writing professionally in an area of psychology/counseling that doesn’t seem to get much airtime can be a great thing. I’ve wanted to get into writing APA style papers, but my program hasn’t asked for them. I’ve been working on turning my frustrations into projects…I can do something about it besides complain. I can usually come up with a decent list of things that aren’t working to my satisfaction, but what am I doing about them? That’s where I’m coming from with the whole deal with the peer review journal. I want to become a better writer in a certain style but don’t really get much of a chance to write that way so I’ll set up an arena where I can do so. It’s easier to start from scratch sometimes. DIY vasectomy and all that. So it sounds like I’m talking about wanting to write and gearing up for this journal thing. Cool great! I was chatting w/ ACV about it & I don’t think that moving in the winter would be the best idea, especially with a baby. That means that the whole deal with moving back to California won’t happen until spring of 08. That gives this whole thing more than a year to sprout while I’m here. It seems that there’s a bit of support from students and faculty. I had to look at accepting help from others b/c I tend to be such a DIY type that I don’t want help from others regardless of the task’s size. This time though, I have to get others to submit papers. There’s no way I could write mine and others’ papers, so I had to let go of that. A suggestion has been made to split the journal along the line of faculty and students. I wonder if there will be enough submissions from both sources to fill two different volumes. Then there’s the online component. We can do it online and then print out the best few papers after a year’s time. The online component could be an arena for anonymous submissions and critiques. No one would have to use their real names, so feelings could be spared. A few clearly stated rules from the moderator could clear any potential flame wars. Hmm…maybe I could be the student moderator and start the online component with a paper of my own. I could invite submissions & others could post papers and we could go from there. A buddy of mine writes really solid APA style papers. I’d love to get one of his posted. Hmm…that seems like a good way to get submissions. I had also thought about a “no poetry” rule, but some people can capture their feelings in that medium (read: quantity is important in getting people involved) and there’s nothing wrong with that. Setting up boundaries and barriers shuts people down before they’ve even begun. I’d like to see photos and artwork as well. An online gallery isn’t very difficult to assemble. If we do the online deal, then the student/faculty split wouldn’t be as important, but I do think that a “no real names” rule needs to be involved. Anonymity will help individuals to feel less attacked when someone chews up their writing. Working as an English tutor gave me a real insight into writing that I didn’t have before. There was a large ESL (English as second language) students and I had to help them pull their ideas from one language to another… …quick side note: I’m looking forward to learning Spanish with the baby. There won’t really be any vocabulary quizzes or homework and we have years to practice before the final… anyway, I’m interested in working with bibliographies and endnotes. There’s a real geeky part of me that loves dissecting essays. Sometimes I feel that thinking is a liability at my school. I’ve received an academic warning that basically said I didn’t share my feelings enough in class. I’d love to re-read what it said, but… “I noticed his restlessness and seeming lack of attention to what others were sharing. He would use humor it seemed to distance himself from the discussion. There was a major discussion in class that was emotionally intense among several members for about ½ hour. I noticed that Joel was visibly uncomfortable during the discussion. @ the end he commented that he didn’t see why we had spent so much time discussing the issue & all we had done was repeat ourselves when he didn’t understand. @ other times during the class I noticed his restlessness & @ times lack of attention to following the discussion. He seems to share little about himself during class.” That’s from a professional fitness review I received after my altruism class. I can tell you what I’m thinking about like it’s nothing. I’ve had to work on emotions. I feel like I’ve made progress and all, but I don’t see any academic value in feelings. I’m in this program for academics and I think that the focus is on becoming a good therapist. Part of me wants to say that it focuses on becoming a certain type of therapist and then that would lead me to answer the question “what kind of therapist” & then the whole thing would meander quite like it is now…ahem…I’ve been wanting to go to a black school since I was in Boone. I looked for historically black schools who offer doctorates in psychology or sociology. It seems that the only school that does is Howard in DC. I don’t know if I could deal with living in the DC area for that long…I just looked for programs in Vancouver. It seems that the have a great md/phd program. There’s more to look into @ the UBC though, so that’s cool… Anyway, I think I’ll play some more ps3 before school starts again…

30oct6:skin i'm in

joelreed415 — Tue, 31 Oct 2006 04:52:19 GMT

Saturday night and I’m working through another weekend. We had our costume party last night & That was a bunch of fun. I’m the type to party & kick it through the night & when I’ve had enough, I just pass out & sleep it off. That was what happened last night. I got to the point where I knew that I’d either sleep or get sick & sleep was an option, especially since I was @ home. It was a nice little get together. I think that hosting parties is something we do pretty well. It’s interesting to see whose house turns into the party place. Funkenstein was a great party house, but that’s dissolved now. Wonderland was another crazy party house too. Things change over time and all that. I’ve been thinking about the whole deal w/ the baby coming & I feel a bit more at ease with the whole thing more & more each day. Once I’m done with grad school it looks like work and raising this kid will be on the agenda. I’m still on track for my Ph.D. when I’m around 40 though. That gives me time to write, get my license, & play video games. One of the things that has me excited about the baby is sports and languages. It’s a chance to get into things that I enjoy and can share with a little person, art and music too. I think that we’ll offer a real solid cultural experience. Somebody asked me how will I deal with the issue of race when it arises. I think that I’ll go through slavery and the struggles of the civil rights movement. One of the tricks though will be to keep it age appropriate. There’s no need to break it all down on the first day. I’m also looking forward to sharing freemasonry and tarot… Besides that, I’ve been pondering the area for my doctorate. I’ve been interested in doing cultural commentary for a while. I like comics and video games; maybe writing about them could generate some solid information. Also, I’ve wanted to find a black school for my doctorate. I think that the cultural similarity might feel good, especially at such a high level of academia. I’ve felt like I’m banging my head against the wall of whiteness for long enough. I want to feel a solid sense of alliance and definitely didn’t feel that in the 1st half of the program. Now that I’m in the back of it all, I feel a bit more at ease. I’m still the only black guy there though and I’m tired of being the only one again & again. Finding a doctoral program at a black school seems like a good idea. I have other fish to fry first, but that’s something that’s been on my mind at every school where I’ve studied. I never thought I’d finish undergrad @ SFSU though. It took so long and then the breakup w/ RW threw me for a loop. There were so many things that needed my immediate attention and getting back to school took a minute. I don’t mention that part of the journey very often, but it was a real shift. I think that the late 90s were a real party for me, but once 2000 started I found myself having to really put forth real effort instead of lounging. I think that a few things became clearer for me while I was in California. I saw where I was in life and where I wanted to go. I’m very excited to be working through grad school and freemasonry right now. It’s really building a solid foundation for living with a baby. I think that having a community of friends as well as a lodge to attend will help me feel more at ease through the transition of leaving new mexico. There’s a real brain drain here. People come for their education and then leave. My sister was telling me that it may take a bit longer to get out with a baby in tow. That might be true, but I’m fine with working and taking the time that’s necessary to get things done. ACV mentioned a woman stating that the real lessons are learned by the parents, not the kids. That might be true. I’m laughing at the whole thing right now, but my attitude might not be so jovial down the road. I think that having a therapist will help us both through the ups and downs of the experience. I still haven’t moved forward with that whole ball of wax. I have to put in 20 more hours of therapy before I finish the program. It’s not so onerous that I’m yelling and screaming about it, but I just think that I need to sort through some of my stuff before I move on to the next stage of the game… So yeah anyway, it just hit me…well, I’ve been taking sidelong glances at the idea & then just finished an article about the concept of father wounds. My dad died a few months after I was born, april 72 to be exact. I finally had a chance to work through the details of it during a drinking session with my uncle last year. He says that he saw the wreck & kept driving. Before that, no one would really give me a straight version of what happened. He was a milk truck driver & took a corner too fast or something. The truck flipped over w/ the metal crates & glass bottles going everywhere. I also found out that my brother has his ashes. My brother & I are a whole other story entirely. I doubt that this baby will make any difference to him. We don’t really talk because I’ve been booted out of the jehovah’s witness organization & he’s still a member. It’s given me a real venomous take on Christianity as a whole which will probably be passed on to this kid. The article was talking about how kids can help their dad through their issues with their dads, the kids’ grandfathers. I had to write a paper on attachment theory and how my family experience and the theory either compared or contrasted. It was a real interesting write. I’ve since come to find that many other students had great difficulty writing their versions. I realized that I would be nowhere without my grandmother. She had recently retired and moved up to Boston. My mother had her own grief to work on & so my grandmother really stepped in and shared her love of books and music with me. My dad passed away when I was coming up on the primary attachment stage, so I really missed that sensitive period. I don’t really feel bad because I don’t really remember anything at all. So instead of a wound, there’s just a gaping hole. My mum remarried when I was ten and I needled my stepfather because I didn’t know what else to do. We’ve come to a more stable relationship, but he has always felt like a stand in even though their 25th anniversary is in December. My focus is more on finishing grad school that worrying about my dad or what type of dad I’ll be down the road. I’ve a few fish to fry in the next few weeks and months. I’m looking forward to finding a therapist to work through these issues though. I think that we’re going to do couples therapy so we can get to a good place before it all gets hectic. i’m not too worried though to be honest. Maybe it’s just too early though….

open letter for friends and family...

joelreed415 — Fri, 13 Oct 2006 15:13:27 GMT

Hello all, It’s me, Joel, on Friday morning, 13oct6. I’ve wanted to write for a while, but school started a few weeks back and I’ve been dealing with ethics, trauma, resiliency, psychological testing, and the DSM-4, among other things. I see my first client next Tuesday and the next one on Friday evening. I’ll be done with my master’s degree in about a year from now. It’s exciting and all that. So yeah, that’s cool & everything. We’re planning on moving back to SF & finding a new place to live w/ a friend of ours in the city. She has a five year old who remembers our dog Honey. We’ll all need a bunch of room because Angelina and I are having a baby. To be real honest, I’m not 100% excited about it. Talking with friends & family has helped to normalize it for me though. I’m more or less quietly resigned to the fact of the matter. We’ve both been through abortions in the time before we met each other & don’t really want to go that route again. It’s not an easy decision because most of you know how I feel about babies. I’ve been real loud and vocal about how they’re filthy, loud, loathsome burdens who are worse behaved than dogs. Honey and Elian have been filling our “need to nurture” for some time. We threw Honey her 10th birthday party back in May with cake and ice cream for dogs. They just have a new sibling on the way. I come from a big family and there’s always room for another. It’s just that we’re the ones to bring it this time. Maybe I will be more excited as time progresses, but right now I’m focused on school and work. I’m still swimming, but nowhere close to the 2+ miles a week I was doing last year this time. I joined a new gym that has a spa & hot tub next to the pool. They also have better pool hours, so I’m stoked…I’m also rambling from my initial point in writing. To recap: a) school is great, I’ll finish the program in about a year. I’m about to start seeing clients and actually have malpractice insurance. b) We’re having a baby and it’s not some “dirty little secret.” Talking with friends & family so far has normalized it for me and so I decided to write this. I hope this note finds everyone in the best of health and spirits as the nights grow longer and the temperatures drop. I love this time of year and probably always will. Maybe I can find a doctoral program in Vancouver or Boston. I want to live around snow when I start working on that part of my education. For now, I think that I’d like to work on licensure and writing in SF. A few more letters behind my name will definitely make paying for this baby scene a bit easier. My mum and grandmother were both nurses, it’s time for a doctor…even though I won’t be a physician. Hmm…rambling again. The baby is due around Memorial Day. I’ll be finished with class work around the beginning of June. From there, I’ll just have to finish my internship hours and then we’ll be back by the bay. Bis spater, J

17sep6.never forever

joelreed415 — Sun, 17 Sep 2006 15:06:13 GMT

So I’m @ work & it’s Saturday night. I haven’t really gotten into going out here in ABQ that much. I’ve been to a couple of parties, but it’s just not the same as SF, so I’ve gotten into working through the weekend nights. I generally enjoy working nights though. The city is a different animal & I like having little if any supervision. I’ve grown weary of having to listen to people who aren’t as smart as me in the work place. I feel a bit elitist for holding such an attitude & all that, but getting through grad school is no walk in the park. I my play it off like it’s nothing & I’ve mentioned how underwhelmed I’ve felt with SWC, but I still have to come up with something to turn in for class. I’m looking forward to the 2nd half of the program though. We start to see people & that’s going to be fun in a challenging way. I think that working w/ suicide prevention hotline has broken the fear factor for me. I lost that cherry while I was taking calls. The SFSPH training was actually pretty rigorous though. It was a few training sessions and then a few sessions of listening to calls. This was all before doing a couple of sessions where someone listened to me taking calls & then chatting about them. It was a great experience, but actually I learned even more when I chatted with some of the more experienced volunteers. It was a great time. The end of the 90s was crazy fun & I look back on them as one of the better times. My friends and I were all making hella money and the clubs in SF were our oyster. I think that the craziest party was @ this place called house of shields. The main floor was down in their wine cellar & kids were busting out w/ bottles like it was nothing. Sure, the black sheets parties were over the top, but I could never get into the music. Sex parties are great, but the music was just a bunch of cd’s on random. I’ve thought about throwing sex parties, but there’s a lot of work involved. Supplies, space, and other logistics just make it a really massive undertaking. Also, I’m sponsored now & ACV isn’t down w/ sharing, so that hamstrings any thoughts in that category. It’s been almost 7 years actually. We were laughing about that during the week past. It seems that many of our friends who’ve gotten married are having troubles of one sort or another. I wonder if getting married changes the nature of the relationship. I’d just rather stay together & not worry about the external validation of marriage. I just don’t think that it’s all that important. The commitment is so much more important than the ceremony. In fact, a friend of ACV’s…well, he’s actually an ex…is about to get married next weekend. I met dude when we were in Massachusetts last year. He’s been trying to get us out there so we can spend more time together & all that. It seems that he would rather get together w/ ACV instead of focusing on who he’s about to marry. It’s very disconcerting to watch people do that to themselves. It’s the same w/ babies…I won’t go off the deep end about babies. I’ll just say that I love the dogs. They’re so much better in my eyes. I’d love to be able to take my dog where people can take their babies b/c the dog is usually better behaved… One last thing that I wanted to touch on was the idea of love as anti-revolutionary. I came across this essay that was saying so many movements have been castrated by lovers. The author went on to point at the French revolution & how it strayed from its initial focus. She also mentioned Russia after the Hapsburgs. It was definitely an interesting point, but I wasn’t really sold. I can see the similarity w/ my attitude towards having babies. Just because I don’t want kids doesn’t mean that the rest of the world will go against the most basic instinct of all. It’s natural to want to connect w/ someone else. Warmth, love, and intimacy are primary needs, even more than the need for shelter. It’s what my mum pointed out to me when I asked about the homeless and pets. She was saying that frequently that’s the lifeline for that person. That animal is the only thing that cares for them & keeps them functioning in our society sometimes. The drive to provide and take care of a kitten or a puppy gives their life some type of core. So to bad mouth love as a threat to revolutionary causes makes me suspicious of what alternative is being offered. I’ve listened to a number of people who hold what some would consider conspiracy theories and they seem to make more sense than the author who stated that love detracts from the fire of revolution. I believe that 9-11 was an inside job, but I also can see the power that john and yoko wielded with their bed ins. I watched a movie on that recently and when I first got here into ABQ, I read the last interview they gave w/ dude from playboy. It was about 150-175 pages of transcripts. My point is that theirs was a revolutionary love. The love at stonewall cannot be anything but revolutionary…I had a point that I was trying to make, but I think that I wrote through it. Hmm…it was interesting when I sat down, but once I pulled my thoughts together, it wasn’t interesting anymore. I wish that I had to write more academically for school. I’ve had to do bibliographies, but they haven’t had to be APA or any other style. I haven’t had to write anything in APA stile since I started and feel like when I’m done w/ grad school, that I’ll be weak in that way. I’m looking forward to working out the journal idea once classes get started. I got a bit of positive response. Classes start for me on the 25th. It feels like I’ve had a long summer. I’ve been out of class since the 1st week in june. I think that seeing everyone else go to school has made me feel this way. Everyone else is in school, but I’m just out kicking it like a grasshopper. All those ants have been in the library since the beginning of august, tee hee. Hmm…what to do after grad school? I wanna move back to the bay area, work for awhile, and write more seriously. I won’t go into how disappointed I am with school right now. I’ll just finish and find a doctoral program that fits my needs. I’ve also thought about teaching. I just got the new issue of love and rockets and hopey of Maggie & hopey fame just started teaching elementary school. Once I have my masters though, I can teach at either community college or university level. That’s pretty cool. I’d love to do an intro to psych class or two. The whole deal of who said what as far as psychology was kinda interesting. The guy who taught my history and systems class was pretty interesting. He was a Christian psychologist. I guess that Christians have their own psychology. (insert snide remark here)… Something else that hit me today was the concept of “bling bling” as 21st century LSD. Maybe this was what I was leading into earlier. Anyway, I was watching this dvd on the new world order and the invisible power structure who are constructing it when it hit me that drugs were used to confuse many young people in the 60’s. then there’s the whole deal w/ crack in the 80s and the war on drugs as a lead in to the current police state. Crime stats have been decreasing, but the threat of “gang violence” is an easy sell to rich, scared, white people. Anyway, I realized that the current fascination with celebrity, fashion, and status not only foments the class war but also blinds and detracts from some real important issues domestically and globally. It’s easier to just hate bush and the conservatives than it is to examine their arguments and assemble a well thought out set of counter points… The idea in america is that comic books and animation is somehow fenced off from certain types of activities and content. Outside of the US, mainly asia, comics and animated films have pushed these boundaries. Grave of the fireflies remains one of the saddest stories I’ve ever seen or read. It seems that comics are somehow considered lowbrow literature. The medium is as american as jazz or hip hop, but it seems that our neighbors across the oceans are able to codify the medium, solidifying the form into respectable items consumed in art houses or boutiques. I’ve been wrestling with this idea for most of the summer and see a book coming from it down the road. I really think that as with other forms of pop culture, comics and animation really have more to offer than a disposable experience. The Hernandez brothers have been compared to Garcia-marquez, the author of hundred years of solitude and love in the time of cholera. I feel that the idea of comics as primarily the realm of superheroes blocks many from experiencing the rich and varied stories available. I guess that just points back to the american love of “the classics” in whatever form. There seems to be a strange fascination with “the good old days” where life was more care free. I just see things as sucking for someone throughout time, be that the irish, the jews, or blacks. Homosexuals in america have been the whipping child for quite awhile too. I really think that a big drive behind so much of the imperialism today is the collective memory of whites as slaves to the moors and other African cultures and the urge to have that never happen again, ever…

just write

joelreed415 — Thu, 22 Jun 2006 07:43:10 GMT

So yeah…wednesday night/Thursday morning and I wanted to get some thoughts out of my mind and onto paper. I’ve complained about people not knowing basic elements of the JW experience. So, I think that a few basic elementary aspects of growing up for me might help with some of the confusion. I wasn’t allowed to become a boy scout or pledge allegiance to the flag. Birthday parties were alien to me until university. christmas and easter were the same. I got a nice easter basket one year though with lots of nice candy and the plastic grass. I still don’t like the marshmallow chicks known as peeps, but I tried a few before making up my mind. That wasn’t what I sat down to get to, but going through those parts was like an on ramp of ideas to going out in service and the meetings through the week. Going in service was what JWs are known for around the world. It’s the going to houses w/ the magazines part of the deal. Weel, we had to go like every weekend. Saturday morning from like 9-12. I always wanted it to rain and even now think that’s where my love of rain comes from. Here’s a silly side note story: when I was younger than 10 or so, I didn’t know much about sex. Sure, I got this "where did I come from?" book and knew the mechanics of sex, but I was shielded from porn until I was in high school. So anyway, after being in service…we had a group book study of some of the younger boys in the congregation. It was the youth book, a pink hardbound book. So we came to the chapter on masturbation and homosexuality. I had no idea about masturbation. This was the late 70’s and there were a bunch of female impersonators on tv, so I knew a smattering about drag. I guess that I’m saying that I didn’t really know that it existed or was a big production or anything. The whole thing was painted as this secret sin that would destroy a person’s life. I heard once that prostate cancer can be avoided with regular ejaculation. I’m not sure one way or the other, but I’m usually in favor of coming as opposed to not coming. So yeah, that kinda freaked me out because I didn’t know about masturbation or why it was bad or anything. The other thing I wanted to get out was the meetings. Two on Tuesday night, two on Sunday, and one on Thursday nights. The two were really just rolled into two hours. Now, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I think about those times occasionally. I like doing stuff in the community and I think that the work I’m doing is a real extension of that. Anyway. The meetings went on forever. We were supposed toprepare for them by doing the bible readings in advance and sort through the other details before hand. My stepfather was big on this & would set aside time to read up. Saturday nights were for preparing for the watchtower discussion the next day. From around 7-9 was the time for that. The articles had numbered paragraphs and there were questions about what was said. It’s reading through an article and asking questions about every paragraph. I lost the over all message by splicing hairs on bible theory. For awhile, we had the Thursday book studies at our house. It changed a couple times to this spot on the river. It was chill and all, but a drag to see kids on boats during the summer. There was a time when my brother, sister, & myself figured that the chairs would make a loud clanking noise if we pushed our knee into the seat before unfolding the chair. Weird technicality, but it was funny to us. Anyway, we had the idea to set all the chairs like that before anyone came in to take a seat. (there was a time when the three of us really got along & had fun. It was brief and I miss it when I think of where we are now). I really think that my brother and sister already had a life before I showed up…and yeah, they’re 5 & 7 years older than me, so they naturally would. There are pictures with them kicking it before I was born. It seemed like they were really having fun. I don’t feel guilty like I destroyed that by coming along, I just feel the hole that my father’s death generated in our lives. Yeah…that and the amazing fascination at the repercussions. The concentric ripples in our lives. Who knew it would play out like this? I’m looking forward to the summer with my nephew. Dude’s 22 and so we can romp around and kick it like adults. I guess that’s what makes people into adults. Hanging out with kids in their 20s and being older than them. There’s no turning back then. Immaturity just looks bad then instead of being trendy or something. I think that is what really gets loads of people stuck in dead ends though, the reluctance to stand up and make a statement and be wrong or right, just willing to deal with the consequences and fall out. I think that’s abig part of what’s driving me to write this. Sure, it’s trash and empty words, but I won’t stop writing until I feel that I;ve combed throgh the topic thoroughly. Some where in all of this is my brother’s suicide attempt and how that really exemplifies the relationship we have. He’s dead but still has a wife and kids. I can’t pick up the phone and chat with my own brother because I’ve left the flock and refuse to come back. I’m so mad about it that I hate all christians across the board. If that is part of christianity, if it’s somehow can be construed under your rules that closing family out then I don’t want anything to do with you either. I’m rabidly angry on this point even though I don’t make much abouot it outwardly. This bleeds into my attitude towards language with the whole white=good/ dark=bad duality. Yeah, it’s all connected and nothing escapes review. So much of where I am now is just out of opposition to extenally defined rules. There’s my love of comic books and music, movies and sex. The whole exercise thing has been a real trip for me because I’ve been working out for about a year and a half now. I feel great & look good, but I’m still wrestling with the idea that it’s all vanity. Me response is to say that it is and that it’s just another form of masturbation. I love me and this is one of the ways that I show me how much I care. I love swimming and have wanted to get into it for years. I swim well and enjoy laps. Fine, it’s vanity to want a toned body, but so is a haircut or make up. Which brings me to the moustache. I feel I’m at a level of self recognition that I want to mark with my body. It’s a moustache, not a piercing even though the motivation is the same. I don’t want a tattoo because this stage isn’t permanent. Recognizing that I have to write all of this out and sort through it is part of that. So yeah…I’m welcoming summer and going to sleep now…

jehovah 8 my brother

joelreed415 — Thu, 22 Jun 2006 04:58:02 GMT

So yeah, it’s Saturday and I’ve finally started writing the book I’ve been talking about for a few weeks. I’ve decided to comb through my brother’s suicide attempt as a way to get around to discussing some of my emotions on the subject of family and related topics. I’m doing a graphic novel…well, graphic journal actually. The images and the text don’t really match up 100%, but that’s what I chose to separate for this project. I want the images to reflect what I’m feeling, but I don’t want to get bogged down w/ characters and scenery. I’d like to have the opportunity to explore a few of the images I’ve been holding and use them to transcribe my emotional travelogue. It’s my second book, actually. There was the "pocketful of ideas" from a few years back. It was a great expression of where I was & what I was feeling at the time. I’d like to do the same thing again, but this time I’d like to use the visual element more heavily. I’m wanting to do the coloring & lettering w/ photoshop. I think that it would give me fodder to push my skills further. There might be a musical soundtrack too… Here’s the 1st caption: African Americans need to be understood in their own terms, not ignored, not assumed to be just like Euro-Americans. The death of someone important to one can be a devastating experience. Grief for a major loss can affect every aspect of one’s life and can last a lifetime. For counselors, therapists, psychologists, clergy, nurses, funeral directors, and other professionals who may be called on to help grieving African Americans, having a literature to turn to on African American grief may be enormously helpful [rosenblatt & wallace 2005, p. xix]." It’s been a project that I’ve wanted to do for a long time and I think that I’m finally at a place to really push myself to use my skills to dig through the XJW emotions. I’m really bothered that religion stands between my brother and me. It has given me a really nasty attitude towards the whole of spirituality. It’s a real trigger for me and I’d like to release some of the venom somehow. The thing is that in the course of reading up for my research paper, I came across a bunch of validation for what I’ve been feeling. There has been quite a bit written about and by individuals who have either left various cults or left the JW organization, actually. It was with mixed emotions that I started combing through the pages of such info. Part of me wanted more while another part was reluctant, not wanting to take the "apostate" position. Then I stopped and remembered going to my grandmother’s funeral. I won’t forget the nasty look from CK or PT’s shoddy eulogy. So I want to dredge my life and find the inner emotions: good, bad, and the rest. I’ve been wanting to write and it seems like I really have something to say on this topic. I heard that there’s magic in that sense of excitement, so I’m running with it this time. I’m not afraid of myself or what I want this time. It’s taken a lot of work to get to this point and I’d like to produce something from all of the work that’s been happening. I’m reluctant to admit that I’ve learned something from working on my master’s, but how could I not learn? All of the reading and talking has to result in something productive. I’m not getting good grades for just laying around. I’d like to make it out like SWC has been cake. It’s really a lot to cover in order to write about stuff. I can feel the encouragement and all that, but the work remains. But yeah, I’m excited about this book idea… It’s a chance to talk about the empty hole where my brother once was & how I’ve pretended it didn’t exist, then I threw all sorts of things at it only to eventually realize that nothing would really fill it. I think that I big part of my excitement with my nephew coming out is feeling like it’s a chance to make up for that loss of family. I want to read through the grief & loss books again in order to find labels for my feelings and the complexes they trigger. It’s about more than a grade for me. I want to generate something that expresses where I am, how I got here, & what I’m doing about it all. The new piece is the willingness to be upset about what’s happened. I haven’t given myself the chance to admit that there’s a huge wall between my brother. I hear myself mention it so casually when people ask me if I have brothers or sisters. "we’re really not that close," is about all I say anymore. It’s just like telling people that my dad died a few months after I was born. I’ve touched on this area of my life only briefly before. [technical difficulties deleted the last bit…] anyway, my point was that I’m not angry with my brother. I want to come at this as an onramp to some other things that haven’t been addressed. A big piece for me is trying to understand the rift b/n my mum & my dad’s side of the family. Maybe it was my step dad. We went up to Boston once shortly after they were married. It was the last time I saw them for a few years. I vaguely remember dude flashing during that time. I’d like to know what made my mum leave Boston & move south. Sure, there was about 10 acres for a house & all. My grandmother had recently retired & moved up to MA. After my dad died, she really became my mother in a number of ways early on in my life. it’s where I got the love of books and music. I know that I wouldn’t be where I am now if she hadn’t stepped into the scene. She fed me a steady diet of information that kept me interested. I think that one of the best gifts was the awareness that hella information on any topic exists. There’s a sea of information on anything that catches my attention. It opened my eyes to the numerous possibilities. It was an early "doors of perception" moment for me. I want to give something back. I’m looking forward to working nights for the next few weeks and months. I’ve loved having this electric pet to work through writing and images. I think that the next few steps will really put together so much of what I’ve been wrestling with into a coherent package. The goal is to convey my emotions in a way that anyone who doesn’t even know me will become fully aware of the intricacies of my emotions. Sure, it’s a lofty thing to aim at, but I think that even if I miss the mark; coming close isn’t all that bad. Quick side note: another reason I want to become a freemason is that when I die, I’d like them to be there @ the funeral to say that he was one of us & this is how we honor our dead. Losing my grandmother wasn’t as bad as the funeral. The first two people my mum asked declined saying that they were too close to be impartial. Even though dude who gave it had named his 2nd daughter after my grandmother, he spoke as if he barely knew her. I’d like there to be a celebration when I pass and from what I’ve seen, masons tend to remember their dead with joy. Part of that is based in a drive to separate myself from the JW organization. …after a bit of thought, I want to admit that I am really mad about the whole thing, actually. I’d like to take off my gloves and get down to figuring out why I’m so furious. I think that a big part of it is that if I deny my emotions, then I can change my reaction. I’ve noticed that I freeze over when things heat up around me. I just wanted to admit that I am upset about the loss of my brother & all of the resulting events. I refuse to believe in a system that encourages individuals to just shut people out of your life as a result of religious disagreement. I just want to admit that the source of my ire is the jehovah’s witness organization. It’s been a thorn in my side for years and I think I may still be charged over the turn of events for a while yet. I don’t think that pretending or deflecting my emotions will help too much. I want to stay focused on the threads of it all. The guilt and shame over having my sister be a teen mother, the resulting lines of loyalty that were drawn. The ironic fact that I still feel my brother is smarter than I am even though he never went to university. He was a surveyor for a few years & has a lot of higher math under his belt.. it’s easy for me to negate becoming a counselor. Anyone can talk to people. I want to minimize my accomplishments. I was at a party last weekend & the topic of crying arose. I stated that I doubted I had the necessary skills. ACV came back w/ the possibility that the emotional chain leading up to such had been derailed early on in my life. I can see a sliver of truth in that I was encouraged to refrain from becoming too involved with events and people around me. It was the "be in the world, but not of the world" argument that was used. So yeah, there’s a bunch of residuals even though I’ve been away from the organization for over 15 years… Funny thing though, today’s father’s day. ACV’s dad came through w/ his new wife. I was in charge of the steaks & he was really pleased w/ them. I think that really helped me through the day. That and watching Brazil win over Australia, 2-0.

...shimmering haze...

joelreed415 — Thu, 08 Jun 2006 04:54:19 GMT

more of the same, this time it's for multicultural issues in counseling class...my experience there, being the only black guy, besides the professor, is another story entirely... Joel Reed 5June6 Multicultural Discussing my culture and the ideas surrounding it appears deceptively simple. I would like to touch on a few main points and move on with my life like nothing happened. I want to believe that my culture and any discussion of such will be a simple task to complete. I tend to use the term culture as if it represents a solid object that can be traded, shared, and used in other ways by groups both large and small. What exactly is this "culture" that I feel needs protection from the trends of globalization? What steps, if any, can be taken to broaden one’s cultural horizons? I would like to take the next few pages to define my terms and sort through a few of my ideas on the subject. I feel that setting the boundaries of what I mean when I say culture removes the possibility of confusion or ambiguity when I start describing how I feel or what leads me to feel that way. In a speech, Franz Fanon provided a solid definition of culture, saying that it "is first the expression of a nation, the expression of its preferences, of its taboos and of its patterns. It is at every stage of the whole of society that other taboos, values and patterns are formed." Reading this definition, I hear that a culture first needs a nation, or group of people relating to other groups in some way. In my eyes, culture is the set of likes and dislikes that a group develops over time while working to meet goals and needs. One of the larger problems with holding a definition like that is that it overlooks the individual. Groups, collectives, or nations are all made of people working together toward personal and group goals. No two people are the same, even if they live in the same region or speak the same language. These variations are what keep cultures alive and vibrant. Culture happens "at every stage of the whole of society." This means that culture exists on micro and macro levels at the same time. A family or town can have a culture as valid and cohesive as a nation or international political philosophy. The building blocks of culture, "its preferences…taboos and…patterns", may not be agreed upon equally by all members. One does not have their cultural membership revoked due to questioning some of the finer points. How does this relate to my life and me personally? For some time, I felt alienated from the mainstream of black American culture. These feelings pushed me towards the conclusion that I was somehow missing something, that I was not an active part of black culture. I felt this way for quite some time while living in North Carolina. While researching and reading for this paper, I came across an interesting idea from Fanon. He stated that a racist culture prohibits psychological health in the black man by creating feelings of alienation. When I first read this, my brain slipped a gear and I had to read the passage again to make sure I caught what he was saying. I experienced the post-modern dilemma of holding two seemingly exclusive ideas as both being true. This reminds me of DuBois’ concept of dual awareness. He points this out in his "Souls of Black Folk," describing "a peculiar sensation, this double-consciousness, this sense of always looking at one’s self through the eyes of others, of measuring one’s soul by the tape of a world that looks on in amused contempt and pity. One ever feels his two-ness, —an American, a Negro; two souls, two thoughts, two unreconciled (sic) strivings; two warring ideals in one dark body, whose dogged strength alone keeps it from being torn asunder." How have I chosen to handle this situation? One of the earliest steps I took was realizing that no one thing would solve the problem. Such a large, deep-rooted issue required time and patience to move through. I knew that I had to leave North Carolina in order to find anything that would bring me closer to a rewarding cultural experience. After a disappointing time at Appalachian State, I moved to California without a college degree. When I arrived, I quickly saw the effects of my sheltered life. I knew that I needed to do something and was able to surround myself with a number of people who were willing to help me move to a deeper understanding of both the worlds around me and myself. I left Bakersfield and the southern California heat for the coastal luxury of San Francisco and northern California. I fell in love with the city and was invited to stay with a friend of a friend. The bay area offered me a much wider spectrum of experiences than anything I had known on the East Coast did did. I had to let go of many ideas about how the world worked and how I fit into it. I had to admit that I had prejudices and other remains of life in the South. I had not been around such a large Asian population and had to learn to live with them at work, on the bus, and everywhere else. I also came to grips with my internalized classism, homophobia, and other social ills in the larger black community and myself in particular. None of this progress came easy. I went through a string of jobs, making mistakes and accidents along the way. During the eight years I was there, I was able to work with the San Francisco Suicide Prevention Hotline, Children’s System of Care, Community Mental Health Services, and a brief stint with Housing and Urban Development. There were many other opportunities to interact with a bigger picture and experience a larger sense of culture. I found a sense of who I was and from that felt motivated to help others. As I worked to help others, I was actually helping myself at the same time. As I began to digest this realization, September eleventh happened. I was faced with having to re-evaluate everything all over. What made sense in the 1990s may never add up the same way again. The internet bubble burst shortly after Bush’s inauguration in 2001. Before the end of the year, the nation faced a real existential crisis for the first time. Fanon discusses the lack of flexibility shown by national culture: "By the time a century or two of exploitation has passed there comes about a veritable emaciation of the stock of national culture. It becomes a set of automatic habits, some traditions of dress and a few broken-down institutions. Little movement can be discerned in such remnants of culture; there is no real creativity and no overflowing life." So I found myself close to finishing my degree, coming into myself in new ways, and wanting to do something for the community. I had come from feeling like an outsider among people who looked like me to wanting to do something about major social problems in a few years. It was exciting and frustrating at the same time. Instead of taking to the streets with the other protesters, I went inside for answers. After a bit of soul searching, I decided that I needed to do something with a lasting effect. Pursuing a graduate degree seemed the best idea because I would put myself in a better position to help both the community at large and myself too. This seemed to be mutually beneficial, so I began looking for graduate schools. I found Southwestern College and felt a pull towards the desert. I had wanted to leave California in order to focus on books and writing at a more intense level. I was able to get in and have learned even more about the world where I live and myself. I have been concerned with the diversity training. Being the only black male at the school has given me a unique insight into situations. I have worried that my classmates may not be fully prepared for the world outside of their comfort zones. These concerns have been laid to rest by reading the textbook and participating in discussions in class. If even a fraction of the information sinks in, I will become a better therapist, as will they.

because i never know...

joelreed415 — Thu, 08 Jun 2006 04:50:55 GMT

who reads what i post... ...so yeah... monday was the last day of classes for me, so i might actually post more in the next few weeks...here's part of my final jonx for my research class...enjoy... J ps...i love the hernandez bros & their comix, so thanx for not suing me... At first, I found myself at a loss as far as where to find a passionate concern. Little did I know, but I was actually at the first step already. Reading the texts for class definitely reassured me that I was on the right track. The main message I kept hearing was to trust myself and follow my curiosity. I started out wanting to wrestle the three headed Cerberus, asking about my experience as a Jehovah’s Witness, my early school experience, and an early bicycle accident where I lost four teeth. Each aspect of the question provided more than enough reading material. Before getting lost in the headiness of the experience, I anchored myself with the knowledge that I was ultimately designing a research proposal. I knew that I had to eventually assemble a method to prompt people to speak on similar experiences, looking for variations and nuances. I read through the texts in the reader and wanted to fall back to a qualitative approach. It was difficult at times to allow the authors to be right and not argue with what they were saying. I understand that individual experience is valuable and necessary to understand how people cope with the stresses and strains of daily life. I guess that a major block to the paradigm shift from a mainly quantitative approach to a more qualitative one came across my path, the relative safety and reliability of numbers versus the seemingly unwieldy experience of interviews and open-ended questions. When writing, I try to shore up my words against the foundation of great thinkers. Everything I read said that I should try the antithesis of this: look inside for ideas and answers. I listened and did what I could to pin back my contrariness along the way. This plan helped me to see a more fluid way of collecting information. Experiments seem to generate an air of artificiality while interviews can be more conversational and natural. A reliable data set is a researcher’s dream, so having the participants willing to share openly becomes important in the research situation. It seems that one could get a more reliable set of data from an individual whose defenses are not triggered. I had to admit that what I thought was trivial, even laughable, proved more important than I could imagine. That seems to sum up a large part of my experience right there. I had no idea what to expect, but I thought that I had a decent idea of how to do research. Reading through the texts showed me that I could be right & wrong at the same time. What I learned in school could all fit under the umbrella of quantitative research. I learned statistics and SPSS programming. I learned how to handle concepts like z-scores, degrees of freedom, and goodness of fit. It was like learning Latin; I never thought that I would use it again but I knew that I needed good grades. The situations where such information is needed have been quite few and very far between, but it has helped me to understand other related concepts along the way. Knowing how one sets up an experiment to provide certain statistic measures has given me keen insight into working from a qualitative position. I feel comfortable using the building blocks even though the task is to build something new. In the last few weeks, I have come to grips with a new method of conducting research. While I felt more comfortable with numbers and graphs, I felt that something was missing from that approach. The artificiality of the experimental situation seemed to be a necessary evil along the road of research. I have learned that there are other ways to obtain reliable results. I have also come to view myself as a valid source of information. My experience is valuable to the larger community. I look forward to using the heuristic model more in the future. My eyes have been opened to new possibilities, and that fuels the fire of my curiosity.

26feb6:an issue

joelreed415 — Mon, 27 Feb 2006 23:45:25 GMT

Something’s been on my mind for a while now & I’m ready to make a statement about it. The core of what I want to say is this: I don’t like it when people from one culture use rituals or ceremonies from another culture…mainly white people. It makes me uncomfortable and suspicious. I have to realize though that this attitude extends beyond the scope of whites taking native beliefs as their own & could include much more than my original intention. I guess that I’m just bothered when whites take native american ceremonies and glom on their idealization of native religion. That’s really what bothers me. At the same time, I’m pretty ok w/ the idea of a black tai chi master or a latina buddhist monk. This has come up a few times since I’ve moved to ABQ. Some white person will come to school w/ their take on some native deal & try to do their version of it. It bothers me & I’m finally at a place where I can discuss it. I asked a bunch of my friends if they were disturbed by it. I have to admit that it’s just me who’s bugged by this one. Most of my friends were like "yeah, it’s fine" or "whatever floats your boat." To me, it’s like some type of cultural imperialism. My culture wasn’t good enough, so I have to go looking for something else that meets my needs. When I put it like that, it doesn’t seem so bad. I’m trying to say that the cultural hunger that such behavior represents doesn’t make me feel at ease. I wonder what was wrong w/ that person’s culture of origin to make such questing necessary in the first place. I’m willing to admit to being narrow minded or conservative on this point. I feel that whites need to stay away from the rites and rituals of other cultures. I feel that culture is something that is both tangible and malleable. It can be strengthened or watered down, in my view. As I’m writing about this, I feel unreasonable, almost fascist. The call for purity of culture can be a dangerous idea. I’m reminded of the goebbels quote: "whenever I hear the word culture, I reach for my gun." The back end of the arguments I make can be applied to other situations with nasty results. like what? Well, there’s the whole deal with minorities and higher education. American immigration and citizenship revolve around the same concepts. People from other places want to learn about american culture in order to become citizens. That’s an example of someone learning a new culture. So I can see some limitations to my point, but that doesn’t lessen my feelings of unease and discomfort. So what’s the best case scenario for me? How can this situation work out for me? Well, I guess that I would like whites to mind their business & leave other cultural relics alone. Another idea is for me to voice my discomfort when such situations arise & discuss how I feel at that point. I’m pretty flexible once I get engaged w/ the discussion, but I want to get to a point where I can speak my mind without feeling awkward. I guess that part of me wants to actually have a cultural participant to guide me through their culture, not some voyeur’s version of the scene. I’ve struggled with these feelings for a minute b/c I wasn’t sure if others felt the same way. They don’t. I’m pretty much the only one who feels this way. That’s fine, but I just needed to see how others felt in order to see where I stood. Part of me wants to couch the discussion in some type of lofty sounding argument about the threat of whites against some notion of cultural integrity. The words might make how I feel sound a bit more intellectual, but I think that my reaction is more emotional at the core and then I’m trying to rationalize that. This whole quarter with school has been focused on my feelings instead of processing information. Sure, there has been a fair number of books and articles that I’ve had to comb through, but I was alerted to a lack of emotional connection with others last quarter. Instead of fighting with the notion, I chose to explore emotions & find out about them. I’m more of a rational person & can talk about thoughts easily. Making statements from an emotional place doesn’t flow as freely for me. So I’ve been using my group dynamics class as an arena for pulling out emotions and working through my awkwardness. I just read through the first part of what I’ve written and realized that part of what bothers me is the idea that someone can hangout w/ a "master" or "guru" and then go out to replicate what they’ve learned as the bona fide original. That doesn’t really capture what it is though. I’m in grad school to learn how to do therapy and all that, but I’m willing to admit that what I’m learning will have my fingerprint on it when I start practicing…I’m just not comfortable with allowing ceremonies or rituals of minority groups to be performed by members of mainstream culture. There’s something that bothers me and I’m writing to explore what it is exactly. I feel that the authenticity is being lost. It feels like a giraffe pretending to be a caterpillar. No matter how much the giraffe studies the "caterpillar way," that giraffe will never spin a cocoon, ever. I’m wondering what motivates a giraffe to become a caterpillar in the first place. What’s wrong with being a giraffe? I feel that both animals have their culture and connected instincts, which have been inculcated for years. The giraffe will always see things through the lens of a mammal, not an insect, even if the caterpillars accept the giraffe as one of their own. Why does this only apply to mainstream culture, namely whites? Well, that’s a real core question. I think that it’s some type of urge for control that I’m feeling. I hold some ideal way of things and when that ideal isn’t met, I tend to become frazzled. I’m reminded of the buddha’s statement that being attached to outcomes is still a for of attachment. It then becomes something to let go. Sure, I feel this way when certain situations come my way. I can say a few things about how I feel when those situations arise. It’s not something I have to worry about or feel insecure because I don’t measure up somehow. It feels like I want to be perfect, but become disappointed with the reality of situations. This creates a dissonance that only increases when other people are involved. If I don’t cut the mustard, then I can attack other people for the same thing. I only hate the things in other people that remind me of myself. Do I feel that I shouldn’t explore other options and alternatives? Is that what it boils down to after all? I’m upset because I’m limiting myself and then get upset when I see others actually doing something like what I want to do…hold on, I need a minute… As much as I just want to reflect on that insight, I want to keep writing in order to go further. Anyway, I see myself pushing harder & harder on the work out tip. I was just thinking about ways to gear up for next month. At the same time, I need to do a lot of things in order to move forward w/ my projects. This electric pet is nice in a lot of ways, but I still don’t feel like I’m really maxing out just yet. There’s a certain level of disorganization that’s plagued me for years and I think that it’s connected to the high demands that I place on myself. Part of me wants 100%. Another rebels against that and does things to undo the constructive aspect’s progress. It’s an interesting thing to keep in my awareness. I’m not one for making excuses. The truth can be handled regardless of how difficult it may be. I have a very short tolerance for lies. The truth…well, it’s a relative term and I won’t go into the dialectics of that right here. My point is that I can see that what’s upsetting me reflects a more deeply rooted personal issue. It just plays out in the world outside of my head. My drive for control disturbs me when I don’t meet the demands that I place on myself. I know that even coming close to my goals counts for something. That’s not the question though. Attachment to outcomes is a tricky thing. I want this to happen, not that. I do things to make sure that this happens, or doesn’t. buying a new car has really opened this up for me. Though I love the dog madly, I haven’t let her ride in the new car. I feel the difference of not having her in the car with me when I drive around town. She sheds like a hairy beast and I don’t want to deal with that in the car. At the same time, I feel bashful about making a big production about my new car. When I told my girlfriend’s aunt that the car was ok & not a big deal, she asked me if I had let the dog in the car yet. I laughed because it was like a verbal checkmate. The fact remains that I’m doing really well here in ABQ. Good grades, good work, new stuff, working out and it all feels great. I feel like I’m moving towards my goals. Yeah, sure, cool, great…how does that connect to the beginning of this piece where I’m burned because whitey’s stealing everyone’s culture? It connects like this: sitting down to take a look at why I feel bad has helped me to unravel something external and realize the internal foundation. I knew that underneath my affably laid back exterior there’s a really hard nosed guy who puts a lot into his work. I’m really serious about success, but I’m reluctant to admit it. Somehow I believe that I don’t deserve things because I’m not this or that. Something’s missing. I don’t know what it is but I’ll crucify myself until I figure out what it is. That’s what upsets me. I want things to be a certain way and then I’ll be there, wherever that is. It’s like having thousands of keys to open the door to nirvana. One can struggle with the keys or see that the door wasn’t locked in the first place and just walk inside. I think that it takes a lot of time and space to reach this revelation

21jan6.guns,germs, & steel...

joelreed415 — Sun, 22 Jan 2006 15:52:16 GMT

lots of change this week & not bad change either. new car (2005 civic hybrid), new computer (mac g4 powerbook), turned in the psychopathology paper & ended up w/ a B in the class, lost the service coordinator position @ ASI (i'll get back to this), baked cookies w/ the sangha & really enjoyed that. i really love to bake & we, well...i did most of the cooking while the others stood around. M is connected w/ some 0-+ who is the executive director of a homeless men's shelter. the men appreciate home cooked meals, but don't get very many. M had already made 9 dozen & i made 3 dozen chocolate cherry macaroons. it felt good to channel the cooking vibe. it had been blocked for awhile & i still haven't made any beer in a long time. it's on the list of things to do. speaking of things to do, finding a new job is near the top right about now. i really didn't like doing the service coordinator gig in the first place & my job performance showed it. also, my supervisor talked really fast & it hurt my ears to listen to what she was saying. i was hard put to get a word in edgewise & so the communication broke down there and really didn't go too far. the letter they sent said that they hope that losing that piece didn't affect my hourly relationship...i had to laugh b/c what had happened was that i lost piece of a job. what kind of shit is that? a piece of a job? yeah, it's some bullshit & i knew it from the start. i had picked up that gig back when i was trying to get my feet on the ground. well, guess what? i'm pretty grounded now & don't really need to worry about that. i have my degree from SFSU now & i'm making progress towards my masters. that's been a real roller coaster, but i think that this new electric pet will help me move forward. i really love apples & think that i was blocking myself from really getting into the pc for the simple fact that it wasn't a mac. the connectivity issues hampered my projects. there's a lot to learn w/ the new drive & that's cool b/c i want to do more w/ music & video. this drive will allow me to edit video & burn dvd's. definitely lots to learn. but one thing that i've learned is that waiting to eat isn't really the way. i want to get into the new computer, but my tummy's empty...short pause...ok then, cut to the next scene. there we go...so yeah, lots of new stuff this week, well...new car & computer, both of which are super cool, but require payment. so w/ the loss of the SC gig, my relationship w/ ASI will be soon coming to an end. the "you can't fire me, i quit" syndrome. at the beginning of the year, i stated that i wanted one gig paying better than what i'm making now. i'd like to put my degree to work & so i have a few weeks to really get into it all. this new electric pet will keep my company along the way, so i know i'll be fine. speaking of doing fine, school is going well so far. 2/10 weeks into it. i have some reading & writing that needs attention, but i'm just so glad to be able to work on a mac platform w/ all of the school projects. i know that being capable on both platforms is cool, but i'm willing to invest the time into catching up w/ this new OS. when i last used a mac...well, it was about 5 years back as far as current jonx. it's funny to think that the academy of art deal was back around 9900. crazy time indeed. living in SF & partying w/ the family. good times indeed...speaking of good times, it just hit me that i'm playing @ two parties over the next 2 wknds. well, that is if i can get coverage for next saturday. then there's the art show on the 3rd. that will be big fun b/c it's a bunch of artists. i'm looking forward to getting into the groove w/ the cd mixer too. loads of new equipment for the upcoming year. i really don't have any excuse for not rocking out now. so that gives me a chance to get into it w/ the grief & loss project, centering on film & death. i have a few books from which to pull info & ideas. part of the project will be a list of movies, but i'd like to make some type of statement about the link b/n cultural attitudes towards death & their portrayal in movies. i'd like to bring that back w/ something more than just a database of movie titles. an understanding of how themes play out in film & what to look for might help. sometimes, i think too much. that's something i'm looking forward to exploring in group dynamics class. it's been a real trip being the only black guy @ SWC & i don't think that i make too much of it. even if i say something about it each time i write, i still think that too much cannot be said. like what? well, monday was MLK day & the class was going on about how "aware" they are & chatting about multiculturalism/diversity. i didn't really want to say anything, but i thought that not saying anything was just plain slack. so i said that having a clear definition of racism is very important b/c the term is tossed around so readily & no one really knows what someone else is talking about w/out a solid understanding. basically, i see racism as whites abusing power to the detriment of non-whites. white on white discrimination isn't racism, that's more of class issues than race b/c race isn't an issue in my eyes when both parties are of the same group. that's just something different. so the professor replied that it's cool to have definitions & that she hoped that mine really works for me. yeah sure cool great. it's funny though b/c that's what makes the people of color sangha so cool. it's a meditation group for people of color & allies. the role of allies is clearly defined. i can see the benefit of meditation in my life. i'm much more even tempered now & i don't really feel the same emptiness from before. i've been able to fill myself w/ myself, instead of using this or that. it's really helped, so has swimming. i'm on track so far. 3 weeks in & i'm @ 6 miles. it feels good. i'm gearing up for soccer in the spring. the next step is getting solid w/ 45 minutes on the cardio machines. i wonder about working out so much w/ the job change. i think that i'll just have to arrange my schedule so i can get in the time. the Y opens @ 6. having a new car makes getting up & driving a little better b/c the heat warms the car quicker than before & the stereo is fuller. the thing that i've learned through this week is that ego resiliancy isn't found in everyone's life to the same extent.my friends & family are really hardcore people in their own right, but some people really get chewed by life for no fault of their own. this guy came & spoke in my grief & loss class on thursday & he was describing the biological model of trauma. one thing that struck a note w/ me was that the ability to discharge the stress is what differentiates the traumatized from those who bounce back. trauma is the body holding onto a damaging experience w/out coping effectively. talk therapy doesn't really help if all that's going on is reliving the experience. it's recharging instead of discharging the experience. so yeah, bouncing back from it all & staying aware of one's options, choices, & abilities has come to my awareness as of late. like i knew that i needed a car & computer, but had somehow convinced myself that they were out of my reach. it's funny b/c losing the SC gig looks like the same old self sabotage of the past. most of my ASU experience was marred by that. i was so FOB from the JW's that i didn't really know who i was or if it was important or not. i guy @ the Y was saying that my consistency w/swimming was really inspirational b/c so few people really commit & follow through. he asked me if i saw the personal waste of so many people my age & i said yeah. i was one of them once. he started w/ what kept me afloat & i followed saying that bartering & lick really helped. like the time i rode to ATL w/ my friends. we got separated & ran into some other friends & then some random who knew me gave me a ride back up to boone. dude knew me & i had no idea who he was, but it was really cool b/c the whole thing could have turned out so bad. and now? well, i think that turning 30 really helped b/c i was finally @ a point to drop the insecurity of my 20s. i think that i'm really able to get through it all now. so much has been thrown my way w/school & i've followed through w/it all.i wonder if it was some type of challenge to make sure i was serious about it all. i doubt that it was a point of actual manipulation or conscious intent, but i do think that i've had to prove myself time & again. losing the gig w/ ASI is part of the same thing. i didn't like doing it, but it was paying the bills. i wanted to move on, but hadn't really done anything about it. it's hard to tell the difference b/n a rut & a groove sometimes. i have already described my issues w/ the supervisor, so i won't go into that again. instead, i'll talking about what i'd like to do next. my next job will allow me to use my counseling skills and my organizational abilities at the same time. i'm pretty good w/ paperwork & all that, so i'd like to have something kinda professional. i'm not above shirts and ties, if necessary... songs of the nightlife pardon me, but i needed a break to think back to all of the fun times we had @ the turn of the century. it was a great time & i don't think that my life would be the same if i hadn't moved to CA. sure, that sounds simple, but it changed so many things in my life...

7jan6.ulysses

joelreed415 — Sat, 07 Jan 2006 08:02:03 GMT

I’d like to take a minute to think about my uncle Ulysses who just died today. Early this morning…well Friday the 6th. He was a great guy, very well read. I saw him over my birthday & had just dropped him a line this week asking about becoming a mason. I think that having seen him most recently was the most inspiring of all the family I saw. I think I’ll post the picture: That’s dude sitting in the middle. I think that going back to Boston was great. As much as I miss CA, I think that doing doctoral work in MA would be great. He really peeled back my skull & left a few ideas behind. I’m grateful for that & can only hope to do the same in the time I’m here. I think that I’m really inspired to push on through all of this drama w/ school & the rest of it. There’s so much more work for me to do in this life. I want to open up & share more instead of hiding what I have to offer. There’s no point to it really b/c the connections are so valuable. I look forward to reading the books he gave me. They were the best birthday present I’ve had for years. I I never have another birthday, then I know that I’ve had at least one w. my family & how great it really was. I think that doing the counseling degree is a good idea, still. Sometimes I get discouraged & can’t see any progress being made. It just feels like there’s no forward progress. Like there’s no reason behind the work I’m doing. It’s easy to just shut down like I don’t need anyone or anything in this life.

destroy 2000 years of culture

joelreed415 — Mon, 26 Dec 2005 11:34:30 GMT

And I’m not going to feel bad about it. I’ve really been slacking off on pretty much everything over this break. Not doing a lot of the things that have made this time of year so cool. Haven’t been working out, keeping up w/ paperwork for work, still haven’t sent the 2nd half of holiday cards…just been living life w/ little if any organization or discipline. Not much meditation, but I have been able to calm myself through events of personal household drama w/ the mantra. That actually has worked. And that’s what brings me to not feeling bad about the things that have gone undone in my life. It detracts from the amazing fun & progress that is held in each day. The laughs and the wonderment are still out there if I choose to notice them. Like chatting to the lady w/ the Motown t-shirt or getting into saying happy holidays or even merry x-mas. Imagine that. Well, maybe it doesn’t sound like anything to anyone else reading this, but fine. I didn’t grow up celebrating holidays or even birthdays, so going to Boston was a really huge thing for my b’day. We went & picked up the CD mixer this afternoon (which probably broke the budget…and also makes me glad that I did follow through w/ the sewing machine for ACV)…and I’m sitting here listening to the 1st set w/ it. There are a few rough edges, but I definitely love having access to a library of music that’s about 1/3-½ the size of my vinyl collection & growing. So much music to catalog in my head in order to mix & match w/ the vinyl now. And that’s not even counting the mp3 sets. That’s a whole slab of music on it’s own. I think that I’ll attempt to make some notes for each disk. It’s just another thing to work through in this life. I’ve been loving so many books to read. School had definitely put a leash on my reading, but now I’ve been going between prehistoric world civilizations, a Marxist critique of disney, various graphc novels, tarot research, and that’s not even starting to count the movies. Worked through the series we picked up over thnxgvng. Deep story, tragic and attention holding. The plot would have worked even if it wasn’t anime. So I think that things are going well enough. Sure, things are in a shambles, but it’s that time of year to just let it all go. Things were really on point in july or even in October, so I think that just lounging around for a bit is fine. Sure, there’s hella shit that needs my attention, but I’m not going to feel bad about it. Giving in to beating myself up about this or that really doesn’t give me the motivation to hang in there & actually work through as much as I can chew when I am up to it. That’s what working out has really given me. The ability to push myself a little more and actually see the progress I’m making. Like I’ve gained about 20 pounds this year & it’s from swimming, pilates, and the cardio. I’m benching 210 now, w/ 3 reps @ 200. I made that goal. I was able to swim 1 mile in a day. I know that I did 20 miles in about 10 weeks. Sticking to the 2 mile a week regimen is work. Even if I want to pretend that it’s nothing & that it really doesn’t make a difference, it really does. That’s what’s been my most nagging hassle: giving up smoking weed whenever b/c it’s trashing my lungs for swimming & that’s just not cool. I want to join a soccer league in the spring & I’m doing 35 minutes on the exercise bike, treadmill, & the elliptical machine. That doesn’t equal 35 minutes running outdoors though. I think that once it warms up, I’ll break down & buy some good running shoes & start putting in time. The dog would love a good run. Swimming early in the morning is a big production. Maybe I could swap the two through the week. Swimming in the afternoon still counts as time in the pool. The thing that I’ve been interested in though is setting up a feasible schedule. I draw them up time & again, but fall back into “I can do what I want to”--land time & again. It’s pretty frustrating, but it’s what happens. I can change it though. I think that’s been my intention w/ drawing up my own deck of tarot. It’s like pushing myself through a set of exercises. I’m working on them in conjunction w/ the new & full moons & that’s a slow maintenance of ritual working. I’ve had big plans, but seem to do better w/ small steps…that was what attracted me to such a big project…it will take about 3 years, but I don’t have to do it all at the same time. I’ve been taking school slowly this time & it seems that I’ve been able to do better. I’d love to get through & move on, but it seems like there’s actually a bit of personal work that I need to sort in order to get to the next stage. I love where I am for right now though. It’s pretty fun w/ lots of room for improvement. Like I’m stoked about doing the parties next year. I’d love to set up some type of monthly party, something to get out of the house & do something w/ this music. Having the CD mixer really opens up the possibilities. I think that I’ll work in the FX, but the complication w/ that is that I’ll have to label the channels. The mixing deck can handle the inputs though. Now I just have the CD channels coming in on 1&4, the tables are 2&3. I’m working the volume sliders more than the cross faders though. I can see where I need to keep closer eye on the levels, which is cool b/c I’m heading up to the Fay to chat w/ SB to chat & learn about that. It’s really exciting, but I can see that I’d like to put the whole thing together somehow. I guess that being in school has blocked that, but the Crowley presentation was the beginning of pulling together the video & audio in the academic sphere. I think that the chemistry presentation fiasco really blocked that flow for me ( I forgot a cord & had to use the screen on the camera instead of a laptop screen). I can see that removing the barriers could really do some good. it’s what promotes my interest in so many varied areas. I feel that being well rounded involves following both current events and pop culture. It’s too easy to just hide out in books & not keep up w/ the NYC transit strike or riots in Australia. It’s important to keep up w/ what’s going on. The world is a big place & being able to communicate w/ people different from me helps me to meet my needs. A positive attitude does that as well & my internal dialogue is the foundation for such. So yeah…I’m not going to feel bad about it! So it’s around 330am on Monday morning & I just wanted to sit and write for awhile w/ nothing on my mind in particular. I think that I’ll go until around 4. Anyway…yesterday was x-mas & it went pretty well. I’m working through the holidays, again. I play it off like it’s the money, but a certain amount of it is just a matter of not having much practice w/ the holidays. I think that I did pretty well though. Sent some cards & picked up gifts. The thing that has grabbed my attention has been the CD player gift. I just finished cataloging 3 books of MP3CDs. It’s a bunch of music that is now available for mixing. I think that I’m ready to pursue playing out more now. Burning CD’s is in there. I know enough Ppshop to sort the graphics. The old excuses aren’t working. I think that I’ve made a number of discs for personal entertainment, but I think that sending out letters might go well w/ the music thing. It’s a way to keep in touch w/ myself & others. The tarot process is another thing that I picked up from the altruism class. I think that I’ve really learned a lot from SWC, but I tend to focus on the negative aspects. It’s been easy for me to look @ ways to improve my performance. I think that focusing on how well I’m doing or how far I’ve come w/ this or that is kinda vain. So I keep pushing myself. Sometimes I think that narcotizing comes into play. That’s where an individual feels overwhelmed by a situation & simply shuts down. Nothing happens. Like I said before though, I’m not going to feel bad about it though. I’ve enjoyed reading through some books over break, but I’m not going to clench up if I don’t finish 3-500 pages or 7-8 graphic novels. I’m on break & I’ve been enjoying myself. I want to back away from the consumption of books & movies. I had way more than enough. What am I producing & how does it reflect where I am? Well, I have been writing on a sporadic basis for the last couple years. Tracking my progress that way. The thing is that I tend to just keep writing & not read what I’ve written. I think that it’s just the act of purging like this that gives me satisfaction. I know that when I’m writing for serious, proofreading does come into the picture. So, I’m moving from consuming this or that & want to start combing through my collections. What movies do I have & what makes them cool? Blind consumption feels good, but there’s more to it. There’s enjoying what I have & using it all to produce something new. Sure, working out in the gym is great fun, but working out in the lab is cool too. It’s not a rush to finish this or that. What I’m talking about is just a matter of changing directions. Instead of binge, I’d like to purge. The collages were cool through the year. I think that they reflected an attempt to work with and through numerous ideas and concepts @ the same time. I’ve been able to keep solid grades through school w/ my papers. I think that the art is blending the same way. I’m sitting on a number of JPG’s & can work w/ photoshop to move forward w/ them. I think that including images in my papers won’t hurt. Pulling ideas together is fine, but using everything available is part of that. Relying primarily on words may not produce the desired results every time. That’s what made the Crowley report solid in my eyes. The video accompaniment. It wasn’t very difficult for me & it was something that I had made myself. It had the same spirit & was part of a bigger gesture for me. It’s exciting in many ways. I want to get into Spanish & more images. I think that writing one letter a week will give a solid, consistent vent for that emotion. I’ve been wanting to let people in more & more. At the same time though, I’ve spent my free time gathering. Sharing wasn’t a big part of my plans. I didn’t think that anyone was interested or cared. I had a chance to see that I’m part of something way bigger than just myself this year. It hit me from many different angles. I’m seeing many big connections that weren’t readily apparent before. It’s not a complaint though. I don’t feel as boxed in & resistant as I did before. I think that it took some time to stop looking @ what I didn’t want to do & wrestling w/ that ball of wax. I wasn’t aware, for a really long time, that I could do what I wanted & didn’t have to justify or explain why. I came a cross a question & I think that’s part of the explanation…a young woman had asked why so few young Black men see academic excellence as cool, or something to strive towards attaining. The answer I saw sorted through the statistics of academic standing and race cross referenced with social popularity. At certain tipping points, one pays for academic excellence with a dearth of social acceptance, an important facet of the high school experience. It was an interesting article. I’ve gone through the same thing. Once I had settled the question of whether smart was sexy, I geared up for grad school & I think that it’s been like working out as far as building a sense of personal satisfaction. It’s something to look @ once in awhile & just admire. Not everyone is in grad school, regardless of age or race. So the article served as an onramp in a way. I’d been poking @ the idea & the article solidified aspects & prompted more consideration. Just like the amazing similarity b/n Japanese woodcuts from the 18th century & modern manga. Their line control has remained the same…the connection? Well, I’m saying that the skills I had before had to adapt to the move from SF. Moving changed many things. I’m in a position to stick w/ what I enjoy & can make a profit. That’s been a major block for me. Making money doing something I love. I know it sounds silly, but I’ve been under the impression that if I like what I’m doing, then I should do it for free. That works fine in the realm of ideals, but it’s a very selfish view in that I don’t take the inspiration to go further w/ an idea. There’s no drive to share or spark generated. So, I know so many people who I could share with & it wouldn’t have to be a massive undertaking. Just a little bit each week. That will put me in a solid spot next year this time. I can look back & laugh at the insecurity that hobbled me a while back. I think that letting go of some strange search for approval helped. It was like seeing that not everyone will be my friend no matter what I do. It’s a pursuit of an external goal. I’ve been working on internalizing my locus of control & feeling where it is. Somewhere in all of this reading, I’ve seen that the individual can chart their own course. Maybe it sounds trite, but it’s what I feel. Swimming, Spanish, music, the tarot deck…all of them are fun & exciting for me. I’m looking forward to next year. It’s exciting to think things over & feel good about it. One of the last things I heard in my altruism class was that there’s magic in that excited feeling. It’s not something to squelch or quash. I have more than enough. It’s time to comb through it all & make stuff w/ it. It will help me to find places for it all. The arrangement has been lacking, no organization. It’s blocked progress as well. Looking for this or that doesn’t move things forward. So taking control helps. It’s just like walking the dog. I can let her pull me, or I can be the human in that situation & lead us both. I’m doing fine. I went on 2 vacations this year. That’s really something new. Last vacation was…hmmm…well…a long time back. Anyway, I’ve been writing for more than 30 minutes. I’ll take the time to post this & then move on w/ my life… J

7nov5.few words

joelreed415 — Mon, 07 Nov 2005 13:01:59 GMT

So yeah, Sunday night @ work. It’s been an interesting weekend to say the least. My sister carpooled w/ the ladies from school & myself on Friday afternoon. In a bigger picture, that was a good idea b/c there was a moment when the realization hit that public jonxy became very apparent & I’m the type that needs someone to remind me of such (yeah, I know it’s a heavily coded statement. You had to be there, but I wanted to at least mention it.) anyway, my sister’s husband had an art show on Friday evening & that was fun. I just had my head shaven on Thursday & decided to wear the mullet wig from our Halloween party. I mean, if Warhol was able to blow up w/ that stupid wig, what’s stopping me from rocking a wig now & then? It was the source of much fun & laughter through the evening. It’s always fun to get out & see people. Then there’s the option of playing parties/fund raisers for the gallery owners. I’m sure that we’ll have fun w/ that…' Then there was the long workout on Saturday morning. Pilates for an hour, weights & treadmill for an hour, the 12 laps to finish out the 2 miles for the week. Ran a few errands, grabbed some lunch, & then passed out during the movie. Watched “vampires in Havana” again. It’s a silly Cuban anime flick about this vampire who invents sun block for the undead. I fell asleep though. Anyway, here’s the complication for this weekend: I left the laptop @ home b/c ACV complains that I hog it all the time. Fine, she may be right, but I made the mistake of leaving my mail on the desktop. She combs through the old messages & finds one line from an conversation from back in September. Here’s what I said that seemed to start a whirlwind: i'm exercising my mind & body b/c i'm really not looking for anyone new these days. eventually, once i've gotten through grad school & all that, i'll get back into the dating scene. i've come to the conclusion that smart is indeed sexy…' So, the date for this was back around the beginning of September. My first question was, what were you looking to find? I suspect that she was looking for a reason to freak out & found it. Every 2-3 months we go through this “I know you want to leave me so why don’t you just go now” routine. This time, I was pretty burnt b/c of the whole snooping through my inbox deal. We’ve been together for like 5 ? years & I’m not looking to leave any time soon. The complication is the whole “are you using me for stability while you’re in grad school” issue. I’d have to say no, but I just feel that nothing I say will really make much of a difference. The whole thing leaves me really nonplussed b/c it seems that I’m supposed to vow my undying love in order to make the specter of abandonment go away. I’ve said it before & made it clear this time too that I’m really not planning on staying forever. Hell, 5 ? years is a long ass time in my book. It’s 6 in march, but that doesn’t seem to matter b/c I mentioned that I was pondering leaving after grad school. The response I get is “well, if you’re planning on leaving down the road…'why not leave now?”…' I think that I’m on a real short fuse these days b/c work is definitely getting my goat as well. Not that I’m a pillar of stoicism or anything, I’m just used to having my emotions be a bit more stable. I feel slightly set up though. It was my mistake to leave my inbox open on the desktop, but it just seems that when someone opens up my messages…'problems will soon arise. My response has been to let it blow over. I know I’m saying the same thing for about the third time, so I’ll move on in a minute…'I’m not looking to get married & have said that again & again, but it feels like a no win scenario. I ‘m bugged by what feels like a violation of my privacy though. I just don’t see what good could have come from snooping around my inbox…'ok, ok…'I’m moving on to the next topic…' It’s been 6 months since I smoked dope for the last time & I’m about done w/ academic probation. Well, it’s behavioral probation, but it’s @ school & that’s an academic arena. I’ve been going to NA & seeing a therapist for some time now. The whole thing started w/ me being honest about smoking dope. The one thing I’ve learned is that smoking anything really affects my swimming & that’s really important to me. I’m looking forward to getting my 6 month tag @ NA tomorrow, but I’m planning a full moon ritual for this month. The whole thing has been really invasive and I feel that the school was in my grill & now they’re out of sight/out of mind w/ the whole thing. The therapist guy I’m seeing has been really chill & is working w/ me to get the hours together real quick, so I can’t complain w/ that. The elevation here in ABQ squeezes my lungs as is & so smoking isn’t the best idea anyway. I’ve taken a look @ why I smoke & what I get out of it & ultimately I’m looking forward to ritual use instead of all day everyday. I think that the magic will be better that way. Speaking of magic, I’ve been toying w/ the idea of painting my own tarot deck. One card a month would take about 6 ? years. It’s an interesting undertaking b/c even if it does take 6-7 years, my understanding of the tarot would increase along the way. It would give me a chance to study the tarot & talk to people along the way. I don’t see any down side to the whole project. It would give my creative energies a channel for expression. My rituals would take on a certain structure & I’d have to keep up w/ reading & learning along the way. The one question I’ve had is how would I proceed through the deck? Would or could I take the path through the major cards first & then through the court cards & into the suits or what? It definitely something to consider. I think it’s something that I could meditate on for a while. Also, towards what end is my meditation going? Is the mantra for a stable emotional foundation or a positive rebirth or some third or fourth possibility? I’ve been listening to a book by the dalai lama for the last few weeks. It’s on the steps through which we all go on the way to death. Very interesting stuff, but it’s given me a reason to look at why I’m meditating. It’s the same with why am I working out so much. What’s so important about swimming 20 miles this quarter? Why am I pushing myself to bench 200 lbs by the end of the year? It’s not like I’ll get anything external. I guess it’s more about the personal satisfaction of knowing that (say w/ phony down’s syndrome voice) I can do it. I feel so much better about myself these days & that’s great. Part of me wants to start a fight to try out these muscles, but that’s really not the way…' But anyway, that’s life on earth for the first week of november05. We ran into the couple who’s wife has the same birthday as me. That was cool. We haven’t seen them in a minute since they left 601 iron around the beginning of this year. We’ll probably get together before thanksgiving & all that. Also, I’m looking forward to brewing beer again. That’s been on the back burner w/ all this drama w/ school going on…' J

ct&p 3in1.2

joelreed415 — Mon, 07 Nov 2005 06:11:20 GMT

so here's another 3in1 for my ct&p class. the tricky part of the assignment has been the 1 page limitation. that's definitely thrown a wrench in the explanation part. the ceiling's really low... Presenting Issue: Sometimes I feel forced to lie because honesty has gotten me into trouble before. I want to be honest and forthcoming with people, but frequently feel punished for seeking personal integrity. It seems that my definition of honesty does not always match that of those around me. That causes me to feel negatively about myself and what I have to say. Rational Emotive: As a therapist with this mode, I would first work to examine the client’s belief system. Which social clues make him feel this way? We would work towards shifting his core values, focusing primarily on the irrational ones which perpetuate his emotional disturbance. While staying firmly grounded in real world examples, I would ask if he wants to let go of the maladaptive ideas he holds about the world. Cognitive: From this perspective, I would gently look for which schemas are used by the client. From there we could test and modify those thought processes that are causing him problems. We could find how the client regulates his behavior through various skills training assignments for outside the office. In the office, we may try relaxation techniques or role playing to try different approaches to the client’s issues. Our goal would be self correction and regulation. Multimodal: If I were working from this angle, my first move would be to determine the various aspects of the client’s problem (BASIC ID). This would give us a sense of where the client is and what type of personalized help is needed. The client stated that a sense of social dissonance causes negative emotions. I would work to show that he can choose different responses to these triggers. We could modify these responses to ways that fit better with the client’s world view. From there we could look at what behaviors work and under which conditions they do. Afterwards, we would follow up in two to three years to re-evaluate the situation.