Another bit of thought...

Objectivity is defined as: 1. the state or quality of being objective: He tries to maintain objectivity in his judgment.
2. intentness on objects external to the mind.
3. external reality.
What is so hard for us Hooominz, as my cat calls us, is that our thoughts, feeling, and emotions cloud, colour, and or otherwise make objectivity impossible.

So, when someone said to me, that they could deep into me, I believe that they see only what they wish to see, and discarding the rest as unimportant, as though anything that doesn't concern them directly, or an intrest that they can share, that those parts of me just don't matter.

I suppose that this is just symptomatic of the common denial of the balance that the natural world we all live in.
They believe in Light without dark, left without right, and so on.
In our universe, in the ways that Humans can't interfere, there is always balance.

It seems a shame that balance doesn't exist in the human mind, but then again most of us humans are leaves in the wind, and soaking up whatever we land in like a dirty sponge.

All too often we never really look inward, objectivly to see not only where we were right, but also where we were wrong.

Mabon?

So, I live with two practicing Wiccans. Today is not only the Autumn equinox, but on the Wiccan calandar it is Mabon. t has been described to me as the Pagan Thanksgiving. Both of these women are thankful for my presance in one way, or another, and in their own way.

I somehow feel as though I have decieved them both.
I know that logically I haven't, but still inside, I feel that their being thankful for me is somehow wrong.

Why do the discouraging voices carry more weight than the encouraging voices?

Why am I so self-destructive?

I suppose that Ii will deal with this when I talk to my shrink.

"Why they gotta be hatin'?"

You know who I am talking about. They can't stay silent, they always make that noise when ever they can.
You'll say something like, "Ya, I'm gonna get my shit together." and they of course make that noise that says to anyone listening, "ya right."

Who the fuck do they think they are?

Why do they try to bring me down, instead of back me up?

I have been famous for saying, "A person is smart, but people are stupid." I have decide that people, a person, or any one else is just plain evil.

Selfish heartless bastard, that burn with hatred when ever someone they had been comfortable looking down on decides to make a positive change... the snicker, they giggle, and they otherwise try to discourage.

I hate them, I hope they all die slowly, painfully, and embarrassingly.

Stopped to think for a moment, and realized ...

www.youtube.com/watch

Just what I am responsible for in the days gone by.
All but one are entitled to feel and think the way that they do.

To the one who isn't, but just being the proverbial "Poser", just jumping on the band wagon so you won't feel left out.
This song is for you.

She had the face of an Angel, the body of a Goddess, and a heart of pure unadulterated selfish hatred.
I was dumb enough not only to believe her lies, but also to have sex with her, to fall in love with the facade she presented to me.

Although, with out her EVIL occurring when it was supposed to my life would not have changed the way it did, but everyone else is entitled to be pissed at someone, and I have decided that I am PISSED at Mz. Butterfly.
She digs me up, and calls out of nowhere, just to, "See how you were?"
Spoutting b.s. about how she still has feelings and so on.

I did the only gentlemanly thing I could, I explained to her that I had no desire to even pursue a friendship with her, much less discuss HER feelings.

She tried the old tearz and how I am hurtting her feelings. I reminded her that I was prepared to not only give up the life, and home I had, but that because of her I forced to. and that I would not be like that spineless fool that she claims is going to marry her.

I told her to never write me again, and never to set foot on my side of this continent.

Goodbye for good Mz. Butterfly

The more I look, the bigger it gets.

So, here I am in the preliminary planning process of cleaning up my life. Sort of cutting off the loose ends that I created for myself.
As I begin to examine this mess that I created the uglier I feel inside.
I begin to wonder, "Who was this person living my life?"
Or as always the proverbial, "What was I thinking?"

I know that the "reace" is long, and that in the end it is with myself.

There are just days like today, that I wish I'd have stayed in bed, and slept through the race.

Recycled Lovers...

I found this poem on line... I liked it so much.


Is it possible to fall in love with the past,
To reintroduce yourself to someone whom already knows.
You are not the same your past you have cast,
Confident my feelings towards her continues to grow.

I say this to myself I tell nobody its for me,
My feelings I want keep to myself.
Always that special love seems to be near,
I closed my heart to everyone else.

Recycled love is not always bad,
Its someone you know and trust.
As beautiful as she is I once had,
To begin again I will forever lust.

She is beautiful and such a wonder,
But today she is not mine.
So long ago my attitude was like thunder.
These days my life is kind.

I am no longer the man I use to be,
Time and life changes so many things.
I may be older wiser this I can see.
Perhaps father time has caught up with me.



... so I now I am in search of a new guitar... Goodbye Mabel.

Yet another revelation....

A wise Sage said to me recently, " Spirits travel in groups through time..." As a spirit do we forgive? forget? Here in this corpreal form we are subject to the whims, and tides of our emotions. It is only well after that pain is passed over, and through us, that we can logically look at a moment and understand what the purpose was, and why.

I have been living this for the last year.

IT hasn't been easy, but I've heard that nothing worth having, or knowing is ever easy. I tried to maintain a connection or the corporeal kind with someone, someone with whom I shared much pain, and I found that in maintaining that connection, I also maintained the pain, for both of us.

So, fo rthe here and now. At this time, in this life, I have severed that connection, once and for all. I know that when I return to my spiritual form, that in that contiuance in which we exist, I will see my friend again.

The slice of life I now enjoy is mine to live, without the pain that was needlessly continued.

Reality checked in... again.

So, for the past month, I have been suffering with a nasty bit of pain called sciatica. In other words, my sciatic nerve is pinched somewhere in my back side, and causing me a lot of pain. I have been on pain killers for the past week, and although they get me nice and high, they really didn't do much, except make me not care about the pain. Then last wednesday, I fell at work, and as luck would have it, I fell right on that "sweet" spot, and I couldn't even get to my feet.

My boss ended up haveing me hauled out of work via Ambulance.

In the past week since then I have been unable to do much for any significant length of time. The Muscle relaxoers, and steriod pain killers took some of the edge off, but they also made me sleep... alot.

Whenever I awoke, there Marie was. Both her and her daughter Kendall have been so good to me, both doing what ever they could to help me out. Furthermore, my supervisor, who is alsoo a friend covered my shifts, and I won't suffer any negative consequences as a result of my injury.

All of this love, support, and understanding... I have never experienced like this before. At times it can be quite disconcertting, and there amiments when I feel like I am in the twilight zone.

I don't know what to say... I am overwhelmed by everyone's efforts on my behalf.
All I can say is thank you all very much.

Honesty.

As I sit and watch the world go by, I have taken the opportunity to observe the people around me.
How they interact, and so on...

Romantic associations for instance, young people tend to try so hard to fit into that cookie cutter, and all the drama that they were raised to believe should be a part of the Cookie cutter relationship. they lay all of this pressure on themselves. I know a young man who is currently being manipulated by the ex-Girlfriend... In watching this "drama" unflod, I have been reaffirmed that today's truth is tomarrows lie, because even the stars die... Like the Oracle said in one of the Matrix movies, " Everything has a beginning, a middle, and an end."
Even God, and especially us.

This picture is one I found on the Net... somewheres, and it reminds me of the power of the "need" young people have to be in a relationship.

We all know about the lies we tell.

But what about the lies we are told? Depending on who told those lies to us, aned when, those lies can become a reality, a piece of fact so strong that in my case at least, The lies I was told became guideposts to which I was definately a slave.

Things I believed because I was told them when I was so young.

Lies I just had to acdept because there was no arguing, or disproving them.

Indeed some people will give you just enough information to get it done.... wrong. Meanwhile they are setting you up to look as though you are in the wrong... intentionally.
Like stringing together several otherwise un related people, places, and things for the sole purpose of burning you down.

Then, when you are contrite, and you have learned your lesson, they try desperately to show back up, "Just wanted to see hwo you were?" They would say. No....

TO them I will always be in the wrong, inferior in nearly every possible way... and it is of course when they themselves are feeling low, that they call and slowly bait you into theses conversations where you end up in the wrong again, and tey of course can hang up the phone, and feel good about themselves... at your expense. (Which they say is totally different than making funn of you.)

Or when they do say, "I'm sorry." You can easily reply, "...no you're not." and of course in all honesty they have to agree... They are never sorry, they are never wrong. To them you are just a plaything of last resort, when there is no work that needs doing, and the phone isn't ringing, and tere is nothing on t.v They call you. I am no ones entertainment anymore.

I wish I could hate them for this, but I for one reason or another I can't. I can be, and have been angry, very angry. I thought, plotted, and even planned revenge, but never carried it out.
Sometimes I wonder why I am such a doormat.

A friend (a real friend) once said, "They mistake your kindness, for weakness. They call you when they are frightened, alone, or scared. And you, being the good man you are, always secure them in that place that only you can touch in them."

A former lover once said that I was the love of her life. She's never hurt, or let it show shamelessly just to prove that the hurt was real. She pretended insteaad to be angry, so she didn't have to appear weak.
In retrospect, had she broke down, feel upon her knees, just as I did. Things between us would have ended much differently, if they had ended at all.
I of course did fall upon my knees, all of my wekness expesed, and raw, and in the end, I got nothing in return, but the feeling that I was somehow inferior ( another lie I used to believe.) that I was stupid for exposing my deeper self to the person I cared for most.

I will never care for anyone tha much again.

I will never trust anyone like that agian.

I was stupid to do so then.


So now I am just like the rest of you... Congratualtions on your newest convert.

Bare in mind that I am still honest, I am still easy to know, but I am not that dumb anymore... the fairy tale is a lie.