Ze completely useless rambling

My bellydance CD collection is for sale.

JoyDawn — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 04:33:55 GMT

To see what's available: http://www.amazon.com/b?ie=UTF8&me=A26GS8W6PCAGH6 Bellydance cds, middle eastern music cds, and some other miscellaneous stuff. I hate to do it. I REALLY hate to do it, but for me, money is more important than music at the moment. My loss, maybe your gain.

So... I'm a little nervous.

JoyDawn — Mon, 25 Jun 2007 20:40:55 GMT

After all, I haven't sung in front of an audience in something like...18 years or so? But I'm looking forward to it. It will be fun. These guys have been so great to sing with. Besides, after I'm done I get to stick around and see one HELL of a fantastic 1 hour play. Tale End alone is worth the price of admission (and that doesn't mean the Suicide Lounge isn't good enough). The talk of the Rogue Performance Festival 2007, people are STILL talking about it. If you missed it then, make sure you see it now. In fact... either show alone is worth the price of admission, but you get TWO for the price. It's a STEAL! If you're in the Fresno area next Sunday... come be supportive. And buy me a drink. Seriously. I'm gonna need it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJzZfarbeJE

50 Ways To Leave Your Lover

JoyDawn — Sat, 23 Jun 2007 17:40:39 GMT

RULES: 1. Put Your itunes, windows media player etc on Shuffle 2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer. 3. You must write that song name down, no matter how weird it sounds! IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY? "Love Is Not Enough" Nine Inch Nails HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF? "Life O' The Party" Prince (that's what came up. I SWEAR. The irony.) WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? "Slow Like Honey" Fiona Apple WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE? "The Seeker" The Who (are these fookin' prophetic??) WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? "Why Didn't You Call Me?" Macy Gray (ROFLMMFAO) WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? "Who Are You?" The Who (Yeah... more prophetic by the moment) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? "Crawlin' King Snake" Etta James (ohhhh yeah.) WHAT IS 2 + 2? "Leaves That Are Green" Simon & Garfunkel (Ok, that makes no sense) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BESTIE? "A Simple Desultory Phillipic" Simon & Garfunkel WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE? "The Sinner In Me" Depeche Mode (um... yeah. Definitely has that effect.) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? "Dancing Drums" Badmarsh & Shri WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? "Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing" Chris Isaak (teehee) WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? "Rain King" Counting Crows (er?) WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? "Need You Tonigh" INXS (of course... I'll never get married again... but hey.) WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? "The Marrying Kind" Prince (That just ain't right.) WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?? "Precious Things" Tori Amos WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? "Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered" Ella Fitzgerald (baby, ain't THAT the truth.) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET? "Be Quiet and Drive" Deftones WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? "Viva Las Vegas" Dead Kennedys WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS? "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" Paul Simon

Awww, come on! You KNOW you wanna see it.

JoyDawn — Wed, 23 May 2007 05:56:20 GMT

Friday! Tempest! Bellydancing pirates! Come! Don't forget, kids... Friday, May 25, is going to be a fun night. Come out to the Full Circle Brewery (620 F. Street, Fresno) for some piratical fun. Pirate's Booty Buccaneer Bellydance will start off the night with a debut performance of swashbuckling swishy-ness and scalawag shimmies. It's bellydance with a twist, darlin'. That's right, a vulgar display of piratical terpsichore. Oh... and we do have Beeeeeyooooteefull Hats. You have to see these hats. Mine especially. Full Circle will, of course, be serving their fabulous brews of many kinds; ale, porter, mead... try them all! (But do be certain to have a designated driver...) There will be a Cap'n Jack Look-Alike Contest, and Prizes for Best Pirate & Wench Costumes... visit the Fortune Teller if you dare, get decorated by a Henna Artist... But we're all going to be there to hear Tempest, Celtic Rock at its very finest! Admission $14, or $12 with pirate costume. Join us for the fun. Or else. We have swords. I'm just sayin'.

Stolen from Rom Deussen, because I'm bored in class... shame on me.

JoyDawn — Thu, 10 May 2007 17:53:47 GMT

1. Where did your last kiss take place? Don't remember 2. Who knows a secret or two about you? Just a couple people. 3. Four words to explain why you last threw up? Unforgettably painful life choice 4. Have you ever burned yourself? Probably. But not on purpose. I try to avoid these things. 5. What's crazy to you? Doing the same thing repeatedly, expecting different results each time. I do that a lot. 6. Favorite cuss word: g*ddamnit! 7. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now? It doesn't matter, because I don't care. 8. Who is your hero? There's this guy... 9. Would you ever want to be a supermodel? The salary is attractive. Sure, why not? 10. Who is the most experimental person you know? Um. Dunno 11. Do you tell white lies? Maybe. 12. When is your next party? Sadly, I don't know. 13. Who do you want to be with right now? So there's this guy... 14 Do you scratch when and where you want to scratch? Certainly not. 15. How do you handle a break up? Apparently, very badly. In the past I'd have said completely cutting that person out of my life. 16. Your motivation for tomorrow? Tomorrow is Friday. I only have to be beholden to others for FOUR HOURS tomorrow, so... yeah, I wanna get to tomorrow. Preferably past noon. There's my motivation. 17. Do you know what you will wear tomorrow? Whatever I manage to get clean by doing laundry tonight. 18. Last person to make you laugh? The guys here at school. 19. Last thing you ate? A handful of wasabi almonds. 20. Do u ever go a few days without changing your underwear? What an insulting question. Absolutely not, under no circumstances. Ew. 21. Have you ever accidentally eaten an insect? When I was 2 I used to pick up crickets and eat them. My family tells me this is true. 22. Do daddy long legs freak you out? Not really. 23. Have you ever cleaned up someone else's vomit? I'm a mother. What do YOU think? 24. Have you ever dropped food on the floor and eaten it? 3 second rule for hard foods. Mushy foods, no. 25. Do you kiss your pets on the mouth? No. No I do not. 26. Do you talk baby talk? oh HELL no. 27. What serial killer do you find most disturbing? Like... all serial killers aren't disturbing? That anyone would get off or feel compelled to kill over and over... THAT is inherently disturbing. 28. Do you watch court tv? No time. I could probably get sucked in, though, if I paused there long enough to watch. 29. Would you ever work in a retirement home? I've danced in them, but I wouldn't make a career of working in them. I think I would find it emotionally taxing. 30. Do you believe plants have feelings? They're plants, not sentient. 31. Do you laugh at people with "bowl" haircuts? Laugh at them? No. Find their choice of hairstyle not to my taste? Yes. 32. Do you have nervous twitches? I'm sure I do. Someone tell me what they are. 33. Are you ever purposely irritating? When I'm looking for certain responses, yes. 34. If you could fly, where would you go first? Wherever whim took me in the moment. I'm thinking North and East right now, though. 35. Do you prefer boats or planes? I don't really care for either. Getting used to planes, though. 36. Love or lust? Achieving gestalt of both of these with another person. 37. One best friend or 10 aquaintances? One best friend. 38. Favorite food? The tasty kind. Comfort foods, mostly. 39. Do you believe that your first love never dies? No. It died the minute I realized I was too young to get married at 18. That was it, I was done. 40. What upcoming event are you waiting and ready for? Waiting for many, never ready for any. The Streets of Tortuga Pirate Carnival (with Tempest) is one... That will be MUCH fun whether I'm ready or not. 41. Current smell? amber essential oil 42. Do you get your nails done? That is a luxury I cannot afford. 43. Most favorite person? So... there's this guy... 44. What was the last thing you ordered at McDonald's? erm... I don't remember. It's been a LONG time. 45. Are you an emotional person? Within, I am a raging torrent of emotion. Externally I am quite calm. 46. Do you like your name? I used to hate it. YOU try to live up to being a happy feeling. I don't much mind it now. 47. Do you have plans this weekend? Yes. Yard sale, so I can eat for the rest of the month... and Mother's Day with my girl. 48. Do you work? Not yet, unless you count school, and internship, and various other activities for which I am not paid (yet), but will hopefully lead to being gainfully employed. 49. Do you dance naked in your room? On occasion. 50. When did your last relationship end? Well... I had thought it ended, but it has not. So... um... yeah. 51. What are you listening to right now? Myself typing. And other people murmuring in class, and the guy next to me clicking his mouse frantically playing some online game. 52. Biggest fear? Rejection 53. How long have you been a part of tribe? Dunno. 54. Favorite place to be? There's this guy... wherever he is. 55. What are you wearing right now? Jeans, ugly school logo t-shirt ( because we can't wear any other kind of t-shirt) 56. Are your toes painted? nope 57. Does anyone hate you? Don't know, don't care if they do. 58. How many people do you trust fully? None. 59. Did you have fun doing this? It was marginally diverting. 60. Are you thinking of someone right now? Yes. As always.

Outing the Belly Wars of Fresno

JoyDawn — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 06:53:41 GMT

It has gone on for so long, the behind-the-scenes machinations. I have heard too many first hand accounts of the nastiness directed at others, the talking behind backs while the unknowing target puts heart and soul into their performance, the sniping and cruel criticisms, the venom and tittering laughter while someone does their best on stage. I have seen the results of these passive-aggressive tactics. And now I'm pissed. This nonsense needs to stop. Grown women should not behave, act, or REact as it seems people are doing. For one thing, if you have a problem with someone, or the way they have costumed, or the photos they took to promote an upcoming event, or their performance... it is inappropriate to discuss such things with others in a derogatory and scathing manner. It makes you look like an ass. It makes you appear to be nothing better than jealous, and nothing less than petty. Dancers, performers, instructors, who are confident in their abilities and in the esteem of their students and audiences... do NOT need to disparage the efforts of other dancers. Someone who has nothing to fear, and who deserves the respect of everyone in a local dance community, should NOT be spreading innuendo, rumor, and outright lies about a person they have not had the courage to approach regarding that person's intentions or troupe affiliation. No. Let me be blunt. That may be best. Let's just really lay the cards out on the table here. I'll show my hand. Do you have the courage to show yours? Hm? Do not go to my instructor, the person I consider to be my main dance mentor, someone very dear to my heart, and fill her ear with poison about me or my intentions. How can someone who has spent almost no time with me, has no clue about my character or integrity, and who has made NO attempt to address their concerns TO me... have any idea what I'm thinking, or what I'm doing? I am angered that a person would DARE to use someone I respect so much in this way. I am aghast that they would presume to pay lip service to the idea of "hurting her", when it is their own intrigue, whisperings and conjecture that does the hurting. Do you want to know what troupe I identify with, of which I am a part? Ask ME. Do you want to know if I intend to leave that troupe? Ask ME. Do you want to know why I'm participating in an event? Ask ME. I have always been up front about my intentions. I dance with whom and where I please. That has always been clear. When I have committed to a troupe event, I won't let anything get in the way of that. That does not stop me from pursuing other interests at other times. My instructor has always been supportive of my efforts to learn and grow. She has always been supportive of my efforts to dance at various events, in various venues, with various people. I have always been clear in my affiliation with her troupe whenever I DO those events, so people will know who taught me. It gives credit where credit is due. It makes it clear that, while I'm doing an outside event, I am also part of something else, and maybe people will want to see what that's all about as well. So, yes, I use the troupe name when promoting my dancing, because people should know that members of our troupe are versatile. There is no disrespect for my instructor in dancing with other people. In fact, it shows the respect she has for ME, or any of her other students, that she encourages us to pursue our dance interests outside what we do with the troupe. I am disheartened that there are those who seek to undermine the relationship between my teacher and her students by coming to her with twisted tales of what I'm doing, and why I'm doing it. These same people who have, by first hand accounts, spoken so very poorly of her, and said things I find reprehensible. So let's just clear the air. I have absolutely nothing to hide, and I certainly have no shame in what I'm about to say. My name is Joy. I am a dancer with the Ananka Dance Company in Fresno, California, and I have been so affiliated since 1998. My teacher, and main instructor, is Ely Buffin. She has a wealth of knowledge of which I know I haven't even scratched the surface. She is also a wonderful human being that I am pleased to have made a part of my life, and I would never intentionally, or knowingly, disrespect her. I have much to learn from her, and as long as she is willing to share her knowledge with me, I will keep learning. I also dance with other people. There are several former students of Ely's that I consider good friends. If and when I am invited to dance with them, I will do so as I please, as my time and schedule allow, with a happy heart that I can share my time with people who share my dance roots. I will dance with people who are not affiliated directly with Ely. I have in the past, and intend in the future, to learn from many different instructors, take workshops in things that interest me, and continually pursue different styles of dance. I count Lydia, the director of Tanjora Tribal Bellydance, as a dear friend. We have discovered many things in common outside of our shared interest in dancing, and our friendship has grown, independent of it. I have danced with her at various times. She has referred jobs to me, and I have shared job referrals with her. I have no intention of avoiding association with her, or her troupe. I have met most of the people that dance with her, and I like everyone I have met thus far. If invited to dance with them as a guest, I would be delighted to do so. People who treat me with respect and kindness will receive the same from me. I am saddened to know there are those for whom I once held great respect and esteem that have seen fit to make assumptions about me and my personal character that are incorrect and unflattering. I will make no apologies for participating in an event billed as "pirate bellydance". It's fun. It's funny. It's a lark. It's fantasy. It also happens to be a popular trend nationwide. It's performance art of a different kind. (And not much of a departure from what I've done with the troupe all these years.) What IF... pirate wenches bellydanced? What would that look like? If you come to the show on May 25, you'll get our perspective on the idea. I may be unwelcome at your events, but you are more than welcome to attend mine. What I do may not be what you do, but I don't fear what you do. I do not consider what you do as a reflection on MY artistic expression. And you should not consider what *I* do as a reflection on yours. You can be certain I will show less skin while doing it than the persons who have made unkind remarks about my photos have shown in their own past performances. And I always wear proper underwear.

Again, I divest more of my past.

JoyDawn — Tue, 10 Apr 2007 04:57:21 GMT

I'm dead poor, matey. So I'm lightening me booty and liquidatin', tradin' treasure for cold hard dubloons. Books and cds here: http://www.amazon.com/gp/shops/index.html/002-4067928-7234430?ie=UTF8&itemsPerPage=24&sellerID=A3838G1I2PILZZ&totalPages=2&sortBy=StartDateDesc&page=1 Look through my jeweled treasures here: http://people.tribe.net/joydawn/photos If you have interest in any of these things, it would make me happy that they find a new, loving home. Music, reading and beautiful adornments have all been an important part of my Leo life... but as a friend said he christened this year at its inception... it is The Year of Letting Go. And let me tell you... letting go of THIS stuff is a hell of a lot easier than some of the other things I've already had to give up, and the year isn't even a quarter over. Let the purge continue, and let the abundance roll in. (In all ways.) So let it be written. So let it be done.

Whew.

JoyDawn — Sun, 01 Apr 2007 18:28:23 GMT

Just had to post something...anything... to stop that last post from popping up on my profile page. Waaaay too depressing.

If you're near SLC, and you see this guy...

JoyDawn — Mon, 12 Mar 2007 22:44:08 GMT

Don't believe a word he says. Be nice, or not, as you see fit. He can be entertaining and personable. He makes a good drink, I gather. I strongly advise against becoming personally involved with him. This is the lyingest liar that has ever lied to me. He is gifted with words, and frighteningly brilliant. He's a writer, and one of the best I've ever seen. (Though he hasn't produced anything worth reading in far too long.) He is talented, witty, charming, and attractive. He has other qualities that are equally, if not more, compelling, of which I have intimate knowledge, but am loathe to discuss. And he has lied to me for over 2 years. I find that everything that has passed between us has been a sham. He has been deceitful by committing the sin of omission. (Leaving out pertinent details that would change the way things are perceived...) One would think that after watching, first hand, how he would lie to his parents, his family, his closest friends, other friends, his coworkers and business associates... I MIGHT have an inkling that he might not always be entirely truthful to me. I didn't. That is most certainly my fault. I knew from very early on that he had been dishonest with me at the outset, and I overlooked it. Never overlook these things. If you think someone is dishonest, they probably are. If you think someone is cruel, it's a good bet they are. If you think someone is emotionally retarded... you're probably getting the point here. So... ladies... (and gentlemen too, I suppose) when you have those early warnings, those nagging doubts about whether a person is worth your time... run. Fast and far. Or you may end up wasting as much time, effort, love, and tears as I have on someone like this handsome young man.

The Rogue in Fresno is coming at us!

JoyDawn — Sat, 24 Feb 2007 22:40:19 GMT

Next weekend, honey. Full force, baby. It's a powerhouse of talent, and you'll be REALLY sorry if you miss it. If you aren't IN Fresno, you should GET HERE. Make your plans now... check out the Rogue site http://www.roguefestival.com and plan the next two weekends of theatre, music, dance, art and other miscellaneous interesting things! Might I suggest... Come see ME-ME-ME try to dance as Jessica Rabbit (and a few other people)... yeah. I'm hot. I know, whatever.... in the Ananka Dance Company's presentation of Famous and Fantasy Females Friday, March 2, 2007 8:30 PM Saturday, March 3, 2007 5:30 PM Thursday, March 8, 2007 8:30 PM Saturday, March 10, 2007 2:30 PM at Dianna's Studio of Dance North - 826 N. Fulton Also plan to see Tanjora Tribal Bellydance 2001 Arabian Nights Sat. March 3, 7:00 PM Sun. March 4, 5:30 PM Thur. March 8, 7:00 PM Sat. March 10, 5:30 PM at Dianna's Studio of Dance North - 826 N. Fulton (You might note that some of our shows are back to back... make an afternoon or an evening of it, and see both. BELIEVE me when I say if you have seen one, you have most certainly NOT seen the other. Completely different, but both a must-see.) Other shows I plan to see if I can fit them in around performing: Sounds of the Didjeridoo - Echoes of Australia/Tom Hosler Sat. March 3, 3:45 PM Thur. March 8, 6:15 PM Sat. March 10, 5:00 PM Ashtree Studios, 1035 N. Fulton Tale End Sat. March 3, 8:30 PM Sun. March 4, 4:00 PM Wed. March 7, 10:00 PM Sat. March 10, 7:00 PM Dianna's South, 726 N. Fulton Shakespeare's "The Tempest" Fri. March 2, 7:30 PM Sat. March 3, 7:30 PM Sun. March 4, 2:00 PM Fri. March 9, 7:30 PM Sat. March 10, 7:30 PM Performed at California Arts Academy, 4750 N. Blackstone Ave. (Incidentally, I will appear briefly in several of these performances) Love Songs Can Be a Pisser Suicide Lounge — Record This! Sat. March 3, 7:30 PM Sun. March 4, 6:15 PM Fri. March 9, 10:00 PM Veni Vidi Vici, 1116 N. Fulton The Rap Canterbury Tales Fri. March 2, 10:00 PM Sat. March 3, 2:30 PM Sun. March 4, 8:30 PM *(DN) Thur. March 8, 10:00 PM Fri. March 9, 5:30 PM *(S) Sat. March 10, 8:30 PM *(S) 3 venues, Dianna's South, 726 N. Fulton, (S) = Starline, (DN) = Dianna’s North Ok... if that doesn't plan out your weekends for you... then get your ass over to http://www.roguefestival.com and plan it yourself, Slick. I tried.

Ye annual Valentine's Day bitch and rant.

JoyDawn — Wed, 14 Feb 2007 01:15:21 GMT

It's that time again. I know because I found myself in a few stores yesterday and today. The podling left this morning for her sixth grade camp excursion, and I had to pick up some wrapping paper. Her birthday is Thursday. She'll turn twelve at camp, and I wanted to send a little present along with her to commemorate the occasion. Sure, we'll celebrate with her when she gets home, but I couldn't stand the idea of her birthday passing while she was away with no remembrance of it. So I found myself in a Hallmark store and a Target store last night. I watched as men wandered through red tinged aisles... the color they'd probably rather be bleeding than trying to find that 'thing' that will keep their woman from becoming disgruntled or outright enraged at being 'left out' of the seasonal celebration of sap. I've said it before, it's a sorrowful sight. These men shuffle past me with the glazed eyes, those tiny lines of consternation upon the brow. And all they have to choose from are canned sentiments on overpriced card stock, or red-pink cellophane wrapped around overpriced and none-too-tasty chocolates, or cheezy suggestive trinkets that fall short of titillation but rank high in crass, tired cliche. Every year I see this. Every year I want to scream "DON'T DO IT!" It's not the idea that I disdain. It's a rather sweet idea, really. Having a day where we all show appreciation and thoughtfulness to our best beloved (or just our fellow man, for that matter) isn't the problem. The problem is the complete commercialization of the idea. The problem is that rather than sitting down and writing a note from the heart, or planning some small gesture that truly reflects caring, we, as a society, RUN to the mall, or the drugstore, or the card shop, and pick up the rote rhymes and idiotic grinning stuffed creatures that will be tossed in a landful eventually. I don't have a Valentine. Is there someone I love enough to want to express my appreciation that they're a part of my life? Of course there is. Friends, family, and lovers all fit into the category of 'deserving of my heart'. The thing is, if I'm not showing I care on a regular basis... a box of crappy-ass candy and a flower that will wilt are nothing more than a self-serving cop-out. "You don't spend enough time with me." .... "Yeah, but I got you that Valentine, remember?" "You never call home." .... "I sent you a card for Valentine's Day, Mom." Am I saying people shouldn't commemorate the day? Nah. Go ahead, if you feel so moved, but examine your motives, and examine your actions. Are you really making it about your loved one, or is it more about showing what YOU are doing? "It's Valentine's Day, so I'm expected to do something. I'm expected to do something, I worked all day, forgot until this evening, so I'll just run out to Target and pick up some shit, tie a bow around it and call it good." Uh, yeah. Nice sentiment. Personally, in the past, I have been more insulted by this than being forgotten entirely. I'd rather hear, "Look, I didn't have time..." or "I forgot..." or even "I'm just not in the mood to do it on Valentine's Day..." (I'll take that any day over a last minute purchase of a frosted glass vase and some carnations at the grocery store. Ouch. A lot of thought went into THAT one, eh?) followed by, "BUT... why don't we make a date for next weekend. We'll go out to a nice dinner (Or movie, or show, or whatever shared recreation fits)... when everything's not crowded and hectic, and we'll really enjoy some time together." That's another issue. Seriously. HOW busy are restaurants on Valentine's Day? A few years back plans were made, reservations confirmed... and my date and I STILL ended up eating at a fold-up table hastily set up on the dance floor of the restaurant bar area, elbow to elbow with about 20 OTHER couples who had made reservations in advance as well. It took forever to get the order taken. It took forever for the food to be served. The food was NOT all that great, rocking back and forth on the rickety tabletop, and by the end of dinner all I wanted to do was go home and stare at the TV. Really romantic. And you know... the wait staff was probably busting their asses to just get all the tables handled. I like flowers. I like chocolate (but only if it's dark and expensive). I like romance. I like small gestures. I like poetry (if it's any good). I like TRUE sentiment. I love to be in love. But it's the thought that counts. I see no thought going on behind the eyes of those poor men (AND women) desperately wandering through the picked over shelves, trying to find something "that will do". I hope everyone has a lovely day on February 14. I hope someone loves you. I hope you have someone to love. Whether it's a romantic partner or a parent, sibling, child, or friend... enjoy the love in your life. Absolutely. If you're going to show it, however, I suggest something less expensive and far more valuable than whatever you could pick up at the store.

What I did with my weekend, pt. 1

JoyDawn — Mon, 05 Feb 2007 01:51:24 GMT

http://hipmarksmanship.blogspot.com/ I'm not typing it twice. Not even going to bother to cut/paste. Go see it there. Nyah. I may get around to spewing about the way I spent the daytime portion of Saturday, at Rakkasah's "Winter Moon" but I'm still sore from the workshops, so I risk being cranky as I write about them. I shouldn't be. It was a worthwhile way to spend my day.

A leetle game to play, if you're as bored as I am.

JoyDawn — Mon, 15 Jan 2007 03:28:09 GMT

Stolen from a stranger's blog. Step 1: Put your media player of choice on random. (mine will be itunes) Step 2: Post the first line from the first 30 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing. (I'll give you the first 2 for some of them) Step 3: Bold out the songs when someone guesses correctly. Google is cheating! So... make your guesses in comments by the numbers, I'll update the blog if you get them right. See, cuz, this is better than spewing emotional drivel. Yup. 1. "When I had you I treated you bad and wrong my dear" 2. " Hey I've got no place to be And no one I'd rather see" 3. " I been in a cave For forty days Only a spark To light my way" 4. "I am the voice inside your head and I control you" 5. "Ah, Ah, We come from the land of ice and snow From the midnight sun where the hot springs blow." 6. "Sharp dressed servers where the upscale dine A safe dial turned by a glove in the crimes of night" 7. "So long, I've been looking too hard, I've been waiting too long " 8. "Spring sweet rhythm dance in my head Slip into my lovers hands" 9. "In the beginning there was semen In a deep mound of flesh" 10. " El viento de la noche gira en el cielo" 11. "Early in the morning I can't do right Had a little fight with my baby last night" 12. "Well since my baby left me I found a new place to dwell" 13. "No I can't forget this evening Or your face as you were leaving" 14. "understand, i don't care if i meet you and you don't care if we meet" 15. " Come on and lay with me" 16. "If you leave her now You're never gonna see her again" 17. "Should I fall out of love, my fire in the light To chase a feather in the wind" 18. " Out on the tar plains the glides are moving" 19. " Time has come today Young hearts can go their way" 20. " You walk into the room, you know what's on my mind. You know just how to reach me, baby, without even trying. " 21. "Like anyone would be I am flattered by your fascination with me" 22. "Club mix Club mix How can I put this in a way so as not to offend or unnerve" 23. " You say that it's over baby, Lord, You say that it's over dear," 24. "Spend all your time waiting For that second chance" 25. " Never know how much I love you Never know how much I care" 26. "Ya leil, Ah leish, ya habibi, habibi leish, habibi leish kidda w'ana ba hibbak" 27. "My heart is broken like a window" 28. " At my door the leaves are falling A cold wild wind has come" 29. " With eyes of fire No one can see The smoke from the sweet grass Covers me" 30. " More bounce More bounce More bounce Much more bounce"

Please buy my stuff. I'm still poor, and would like to be less so.

JoyDawn — Tue, 09 Jan 2007 06:45:17 GMT

It really is like parting with old friends, selling the music that's been the soundtrack to my life... but they're just things. And bills need to be paid. Soooo... if you're of a mind, check out this page, and if there's anything that inspires you to buy it, that'd be great. http://www.amazon.com/gp/shops/index.html/104-6936522-5459112?ie=UTF8&itemsPerPage=24&sellerID=A3838G1I2PILZZ&totalPages=3&sortBy=StartDateDesc&page=3 I'm still going through and sorting all the OTHER stuff I'm going to purge, and hopefully get a little money for. I don't want to just throw things away, a lot of it is quite useful, some of it is worth a great deal, and if I can feed myself and my kid a little longer off the material 'stuff' I've acquired over many years, all the better. Stay tuned for more of "Joy Sells Her Former Existence as Various and Sundry Items"

My superhero name. Annoyed Woman.

JoyDawn — Sat, 06 Jan 2007 03:19:45 GMT

The other day, in my physics class, the teacher blurted out... "If Joy were a superhero, her superhero name would be Annoyed Woman." Wow. Now... it's not so bad that he blurted that out...because he often does that. He blurts things. They're generally quite funny. Including this. He went on to say that he himself had been superhero-named "Intolerant Man", which is not far different. No. I'm not really 'hurt' by the designation... just a little... hm... contemplative. Is this how people perceive my reticence and inability to deal with much of what goes on around me? After all, I'm REALLY not good at people, though I've been working at getting better. I'm REALLY not good at having a lot of noise or activity around me. I get exhausted by having to try to make myself understood. I really don't communicate well. (In person, that is.) It takes a great deal of effort to collect my thoughts and filter them down into concise, precise enough words to get across what I'm really thinking and feeling. And usually, by the time I've done that, there has either been an awkward, LOOOOONG pause, or the conversation has swept on and I then have to struggle to catch up. I don't mix well with others. Generally. I often say I don't like people, but that's not entirely true. I just don't like to have to work SO very hard to relate to them. For some people, relating to others is easy and very natural. For me, it's a learned skill, and one that I have not quite mastered. This is why, when I do find I truly relate to someone in some way, it's like some kind of miracle in my life. It is also why I have been deceived by people, and hurt, because they contrived that "relating" thing, and didn't really care. Yeah. That's made me even more withdrawn and hard to know. Self-preservation and all that. Now I require more time and a great deal more proof. It's just... interesting. When I think I'm going to great effort to be sociable, open, and participatory... I am actually perceived as being annoyed, or intolerant. Imagine what people think when I don't even make the effort! Is it like this in every society? Or just this American one? You know... this idea that if you aren't outgoing, bouncy, upbeat, and cheery most of the time there must be something wrong with you. Aw. Are you depressed? What's wrong? Do you want to talk? NO I don't fucking want to talk! If I wanted to talk I'd have been talking to someone. I'm QUIET... because QUIET is GOOD. I don't want to discuss things that don't matter. I don't want to hear or speak about things that are of no interest to me. There's enough going on in my mind from all the visual, auditory and intellectual input throughout the day that I don't need further distraction while trying to sort through it. No, I'm not mad at you. Have you done anything wrong? Of course not. Stop asking. I appreciate that you care enough to make this misguided effort to draw me out of my shell. I understand that it's your way of demonstrating compassion and caring. You must now understand that, while it is kind, it is wasted effort. I don't NEED your pity. I don't NEED your compassion. I'm really... ok. I'm not unhappy. I'm not angry. I'm not upset. I'm not depressed. If you have something YOU want to talk about, because YOU need some kindness and compassion and whatnot, please do feel free to ask. I'm good for it. It's not that I'm not interested. It's that I just... I really don't have enough energy to constantly make the effort that most people make at socialization... chit chat... talking about the weather... interacting without a reason. If you've got a valid reason, I'm your girl. I don't naturally want to know every person that crosses my path. I don't naturally want to know people just for the sake of knowing people. I don't naturally 'network'. That's not to say I'm not interested in people. But I'm a bit more intrigued with the 'observation' sort of interest as opposed to the 'interaction' sort. I'm just quiet. Can we have some quiet? And don't tell me that listening to Nine Inch Nails at full volume isn't quiet. It most certainly is. It drowns out and silences all those other things floating in and out of my mind unbidden, so I can concentrate on where I DO want to focus. I like my shell. Quit trying to draw me out of it. I've been decorating it for years with the things that make me 'me', and I like it in here. If you're lucky, I might invite you in for a few moments. It's not bright it in here, it's warm, and it's safe. I dwell in darkness. Cozy place. So says Annoyed Woman.

Hey! HAPPY FREAKIN' NEW YEAR!

JoyDawn — Sun, 31 Dec 2006 22:52:44 GMT

Whether I know you, don't know, sort of know you, barely have made your acquaintance, or we've become lifelong friends... I sincerely hope your 2007 starts off good and only gets better. As we say goodbye to 2006 and all the ups, downs, and sometimes sidewinder sort of movements our lives have made, I can truly say I'm grateful for my journey, even if I'm not quite sure where I'm headed at all times. I'm glad we're all still here. Wherever here is for you. Cheers!

Because I am poor...

JoyDawn — Sun, 31 Dec 2006 07:51:54 GMT

I am selling off a large portion of my cd collection gained over the last 15 - 20 years. I don't like doing it. This is only one step down from parting with beloved books. Not a pleasant sensation, parting with old friends like this. However... I have no income, and I must cut corners where I can. Many of these cds, while I still know most of the songs by heart and can sing along... I haven't truly listened to in a long while. So... perhaps someone else will enjoy them. I've stuck them all up on Amazon... and already... 3 have sold. That's encouraging. Soon, I will also be ebaying several vintage Fischer Price toys from my childhood... that my own child played with as a toddler. Remember Little People when they were little wooden spools with little round wooden heads? And then... they switched the heads to plastic... then finally the bodies? yeah... I have a bunch of those, and a castle with a dragon... and other various memories. After I get that on the auction block, I'll be going through all my bellydance stuff and purging anything I haven't used in the last year. It's time. I have a lot of pretty things that are... well... pretty. And obviously not useful to me. But maybe they're useful to other people. Anyway... if you're reading this, and you know anyone that's in the market for used cds that range from Loreena McKennitt, to Yes, to Rush, to Yo-Yo Ma, to various Christmas compilations (not to mention Mannheim Steamroller)... point them my direction. And watch this space for bellydance goodies. Eventually. I'm kind of a procrastinator... so, you know... maybe sometime around February? hehehe

I'm a "trifle" ?????

JoyDawn — Sun, 24 Dec 2006 01:00:12 GMT

You Are a Trifle No doubt, you have many intricate layers. But deep down, you're a little squishy. erm? http://www.blogthings.com/whatholidayfoodareyouquiz/

I'm home!

JoyDawn — Fri, 22 Dec 2006 09:58:19 GMT

Did anyone know I was gone? heh. Well, anyway, I am. And I probably could have posted during my time away from the world I regularly know... but I din't wanna. Busy. Preoccupied. I suppose I could go on and on about where I was and what I did... but... I don't wanna do that, either. It feels as though I'd be breaking a spell, jeopardizing the glow. This is one spell I don't want to break. Nor do I want it to dissipate. I want to hold it close a bit longer. Indefinitely, really. There's not a lot of this in my day to day existence, so I'm pretty damned greedy and protective of what I do get. It's nice to feel fulfilled. I'm glad to be home: I've missed my girl. I need to do laundry. Else... I might NOT have come home. But I did. And life goes on. I just have to find which direction it will be going. Every day is a new battle plan for that front. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I'm exactly where I thought I would be at this point. Unsettling, that. Driving home tonight was oddly poetic... on the longest night of the year, through the dark streets of Fresno, windshield wipers slapping furiously (yet ineffectively). Huge wings of water flying up from both sides of the car when I hit curiously deep puddles on streets that I didn't think would be that flooded. (Going at a speed that was likely unsafe for the conditions. I haven't driven for a week that seems like light years away from here. And just how long has it been raining in this burg?) Windows steamed up. Familiar landmarks feel like distant memories because they aren't mine anymore. And the only place I feel even close to belonging is here in my apartment, but only because this is where all my shit is... Christmas is pounding on the door, and I'm not quite ready to let it in yet. There are still a few things to pick up for the folks. But at least I have my lovely silver tinsel tree and the COLOR WHEEL, BABY! YEAH! No stupid twinkling lights for ME, man. I'm retro all the way. AND... I forgot to acquire a tree skirt, so a lovely liquid silver veil is filling in nicely. Don't tell Ely that's how I'm treating my silver 3/4 circle veil. Dad called again tonight. "You need to bring that program so you can tell me what's wrong with my computer..." I can tell him that easily. It's a dinosaur. He could spend a couple hundred bucks and get a cute little e-machine from Costco that would blow his mind. But he won't. I know. First, we're going to try to figure out what in Windows 95 or Windows 98 (whichever he's running. not sure, I'll see when I get there this weekend) is wrong. I'm thinking it's Norton. We'll see. A few important thoughts: -I am thankful that my GQS is doing well. More than thankful. I thought of her daily for weeks, and good news is... well.. just damned good news. I'm still sending nergies, and will until I know for sure the whole deal is done... 6 months... however long. -I'm going to make up my mind. About a lot of things. I mean... I already have, in so many ways, over the past year or so... but there are still things for which I really need to take responsibility... and stop waffling. I will. -I'm going to continue my life purge. I'm still holding on to stuff I really don't need. Material and emotional. Dear me, but I have a shitload of baggage.

On fusing dance styles.

JoyDawn — Sat, 09 Dec 2006 06:40:41 GMT

When I first read this article... http://www.gildedserpent.com/art38/NaajidahEthicsFusion.htm my immediate reaction was to be offended. I couldn't quite put my finger on why... after all, everyone is entitled to an opinion, and certainly the writer of that article had some very valid points about sacred dance and respect for culture. So... I didn't blog about it. Then it was forwarded to me in email. And I saw discussion about it on tribe. So maybe I should weigh in, if only just to work out how I feel about this issue. Here we go. In the article, some questions are put forth. "If the culture that you’re borrowing your moves from objects to your fusion, does it matter? Are you being respectful or exploitative if you borrow steps from a culture that doesn’t want their music and dance used that way?" To the first question, I pose another question in response. What about those conservative middle eastern folks who object to non-middle eastern people bellydancing? Shall we stop because it offends them? After all, these people are truly insulted to see westerners doing this dance. They find it offensive that anyone else would be so presumptuous as to want to take part in such a beautiful art form. They fear that westerners are co-opting their culture and heritage. They may worry that credit for the beauty, grace, and uniqueness of the dance may one day no longer be associated with the region and cultures from which it stemmed. But has that happened? How many years has bellydance been known in the western world? And how much has it grown? How much do all the best, most successful dancers truly revere the roots from which it came? What wonderful collaborations have come about because a western dancer has sought out information and education from the regions that gave birth to the art? How much more knowledge have we gained because an individual was drawn to the dance, and rather than just learning what she (or he) could get from the local teacher, she (or he) decided to dig deeper, travel farther, and learn as much as possible from as wide a variety of authentic sources as could be found? I know of no one who does not acknowledge that even the most 'progressive' or 'inventive' of bellydance styles all have a root in the traditional dances of the middle eastern region. And any teacher who could be even remotely reputable simply must stress how important it is to pay attention to the basics of the dance. Most of the teachers I respect are very clear that a student really should strive to gain at least some basic knowledge of the cultures and traditions that have given us our dance. To the second question, I also pose a question in response. Who is the authority we must consult to get 'permission' to strike out and innovate? Who is the 'last word' on what is permissible and what is not? Should art have such a 'governing body' that restricts the whimsy and flash of inspiration that gives rise to creativity and beauty? I don't know the author's take on the Jimi Hendrix version of the Star Spangled Banner, but I do know that a lot of people of the time were offended by it... while others, and generations after... have been inspired by what is one of the more heartfelt and honest renditions of a country's national anthem. Should he have hesitated, and asked permission of the entrenched, established, acknowledged 'patriots' of that time whether he should interpret it? What might have been the response to such a query? I will admit, there are some fusions that just don't work. I have seen some odd things in all sorts of venues, that range from the ridiculous to the outright inappropriate. Some fusion is not well thought out, not well-researched. And I have seen gorgeous, moving, exciting fusions that get the heart racing, the eyes widened in wonder, and fill a room, an auditorium, a theatre with the overwhelming sense that we, performer and audience together, have transcended the mundane and shared in something truly magical. Sometimes fusion works very well. I am of the opinion that a dancer or choreographer is obligated to first research the new style that has caught his or her interest. Fusing the styles of the Middle East with Polynesia should be done by someone who has training in and understanding of both. The same when creating Flamenco Fusion, or any other possible combination. On to another thought that is pushing to fore as my fingers fly, trying to keep up with my brain. Why does fusion have to be insulting to someone who is well-versed in the pure form of their art? One can surely not dispute how absolutely precious a cultural heritage can be, especially one that has been preserved through the ages at great cost to the individuals who worked so hard to retain it, and keep it alive. I sincerely doubt that anyone who falls in love with the movement and expression of a culture simply wants to steal it, to take it away. Fusion is not a dilution of pure art. We've heard it so many times... "Imitation is the purest form of flattery." People see, and learn, a beautiful thing... and they want to incorporate it into their lives. They want to put it together with other things they love. They use that fusion as personal expression. It isn't just "move from region A" plus "move from region B" ... it's "look at these beautiful movements that my body wants to do because they speak to my soul and help me show the world what's inside me, and how I'm inspired." There is no question that the purity of cultural dances from many different regions should, and must, be retained. The serious dancer will learn these traditional styles and respect them. The serious dancer will learn how to perform them strictly as intended, with great care to understand the emotional and spiritual roots of the dance, to get it right... LONG before attempting to fuse certain movements with other styles they have learned. Great respect should be given to the masters of these dances. Any student who respects her or his teacher would consult with the teacher for thoughts and opinions on how best to fuse the style, respecting the cultural tradition of the dance and retaining the beautiful movement while sharing it with a new audience as part of something different. I know that I've seen some wonderful fusion dances, that were acknowledged as such, with care to make sure the audience knew the different traditions and styles that were fused... and I found myself thinking, "I really need to check into taking some Polynesian(... or Flamenco... or Bhangra... or Indonesian... ), it's so beautiful! I'd love to learn more about that culture!" These dances we see can be so much more than just symbols of pride (though they certainly should be) for this culture or that. They act as bridges between us. We see them, we are intrigued by them, we are impressed by their beauty, their strength, their grace. Fusionists are not usurpers of the "One True Way". They are not heretics who seek to undermine the individuality and spirituality of cultures... Rather, they are explorers who venture out and bring something new and different to those who may never have been exposed to some of these dances in this way. Perhaps the youngster who sees a fusion performance has already seen a 'traditional' performance in the past and found it dry, and uninteresting... then they see the fusion piece and think, "Wow... I never knew it could groove like that! I need to find out more about it!" And there... there is the chance to preserve the heritage... because this youth may seek out an authentic practitioner of this art... and here is the teacher's opportunity to truly foster an understanding of the style, to teach about the roots and meaning of the dance. Fusion will not kill, or supplant, the original cultural heritage of any dance as long as there are those who preserve that heritage, and strive to teach it in its proper form to any who show the desire to learn and respect it. Fusion may help direct some of those students to find it. I could go on and on. I think, really, the bottom line is this. Anyone contemplating the fusion of any style of dance should first ask... "Do I know enough about this to do it well, and do it properly?" The next question should be, "Not only CAN it be done... but... SHOULD it be done?" Great care should be taken to determine one's intention in fusing styles. Great care should be taken to be respectful of the cultures from which movements are taken. I think a lot of debacles could be avoided if people would just pause before leaping in feet first. But then again... sometimes you just have to try. I think I've finally come to understand why the article offended me. The gist of it seems to focus on the idea that fusion is some sort of theft, or that it is deliberately disrespectful and thoughtless. It seems to say, "You can't do this, because some people will be offended by it." It's like saying "You can't use the spices of Region A in your cooking of Region B dishes, because those spices are used in traditional religious ceremonies, and to use them would be sacrilege." Even though the cooking of Region B dishes has nothing to do with any religious ceremony. I think what I'm saying is... the result of anything creative is always greater than the sum of its parts (if done well, at least)... and to restrict the use of any ingredient seems to me to be rather narrow-minded. Tradition can be preserved. Heritage can be retained. The sway of a hip, or the flick of a hand in a fusion piece is not going to bring an entire history of a people crashing down, never to be resurrected In the long run, you can't please everyone all of the time. To do so is foolish. Follow your inspiration. Follow your heart. Just always be respectful and careful of the choices you make. That's all anyone can do.

I really like...

JoyDawn — Sun, 12 Nov 2006 23:39:52 GMT

marzipan. Just sayin'.

Proud mommy alert.

JoyDawn — Tue, 17 Oct 2006 00:39:31 GMT

My podling is smart. I'm not saying she's a genius, but to me, she is just pretty damned intelligent. Here's why. We went to the grocery store today. We passed the magazine aisle. We were looking at magazines... we both lunged for "Scientific American Mind". So I bought it. She started reading it on the drive home. My child steals my 'smart people' magazines. (How can I possibly be mad about that?) At home, we're poring through it together. In the back is a Mensa quiz. We look through the questions together for fun. I've never been terribly good at these things. I get too frustrated and can't still my thoughts enough to really look at the question properly. She got more right than I did. Here are the ones she got right. Figure out the logic in the lines below and fill in the missing number. 9 3 3 8 2 4 25 5 5 16 4 ? I got that one right, too. The second looks like a word search, but you have to find an entire phrase coiled around within it. It took her less time to find the twists and turns of how the letters linked together. We both missed question 3. Probably because it's a math question. Though I think she has the skills to do it, it's just... probably complicated enough that she shut down and didn't want to bother. I know I didn't. Next correctly answered question: A man goes into a hardware store and asks, "How much for one?" The clerk replies, "$1." "Okay," the customer says. "I'll take 150. Here's $3." What did he buy? She took less time to get this one than I did. And the last she got right, I didn't even try because I was too busy marveling at how MY offspring can reason so well. Here's the question. What is the five-digit number in which the first digit is one more than the second, the last is four fewer than the first, the second is more than the las, and the fourth is one more than the last? The sum of all the digits is 35. She's probably not a genius, but I absolutely love that she's quick-witted, has a keen sense of logic and reason, and actually enjoys engaging her mind. She also likes to beg me to play chess with her. I have a hard time saying no, even when it's hours after her bedtime. She has yet to win, but she's improving. And it will NOT take her long to start beating me, I think, because I suck at playing chess. At that point I'll have to find someone else she can play with. And she's just come in and stolen the magazine again, now that I don't need it to copy the questions.

To men who think they want a bellydancer.

JoyDawn — Thu, 12 Oct 2006 16:35:46 GMT

You don't. What on earth is she raving about now? I will tell you. You went to that event; the one with people wandering around in costumes, playing roles, ACTING out an imagined part in their own interpretation of a history that was nothing so entertaining, glamorous, or fun-filled as watching these people might lead you to believe. Or you found a festival with entertainment. Or you went to a restaurant that had people dancing while you dined. You caught the show. There were women dancing. Oh my. They wore colorful, attractive costume, designed to catch the eye and enhance the movement of their art. Dear me. After they had finished, you approached. What made you think you could approach? Yes, we LIKE to hear from audience members who enjoyed the show. We do appreciate a compliment here and there about what we do. Your inquiries of where to send your mother/sister/girfriend/friend to take lessons are more than welcome. Even questions about how long we've been dancing, or what made us start dancing, aren't completely unwelcome. Why must you get personal? Why must you indicate how you'd like to date/marry/be with this dancer or that? Whatever made you think that any of these women are on that stage for any reason even remotely related to that? What makes you think she would be interested? Seriously. The microbiologist, or lawyer, or athlete, or college student, or mother, or grandmother, who dances in her spare time... (I'm not even going to go into how LITTLE time a truly PROFESSIONAL dancer has for this nonsense.) 1. Most likely has a boyfriend or husband. 2. If #1 isn't true, she isn't going to look for a potential mate at an event where she dances. C'mon... what are the odds she's going to find someone there that meets her life standards? 3. She knows, with a fair degree of certainty, that most people she might meet at a gig are not looking at her as a human. What they want is the construct of the dancer. It's that image of graceful, exotic beauty that they're after. We don't look like this in real life, boys. We really don't. You see, we are not defined by the sparkle, and the jingle, and the striking makeup, and the artfully arranged hair, or the interesting, artfully crafted costume. That's the image. That's part of the performance. We cannot be defined by the slow, graceful movements, or the sharp punctuations of our hips, shoulders, arms. It's entertainment. It's art. We enjoy it. We hope the audience does, too. We aren't on that stage to advertise wares. What you see is what you get. That's ALL you get. We dance. And we're not dancing JUST for you. We're dancing for the vast sea of faces out there, to bring a little enjoyment to the world for the brief time we have the stage. We're dancing for ourselves, because it empowers us, it pleases us, it makes us enjoy our day more, it provides exercise, and we're pleased with what we've learned and accomplished, and want to share it with our friends and others. Ask a good many married or mated dancers, and they'll tell you they rarely, if EVER, dance just for their mate. It's not that they don't like their mate, but you know... we dance so much anyway, if they want to see us dance, they can just come along to the gig. Most dancers are not going to get involved with someone who has approached at a performance. A person with stars in their eyes over the dazzling display they just saw is NOT going to look at a dancer and see the real person she is. It just doesn't happen. The atmosphere is unreal and contrived. This is not conducive to true understanding of an individual. And let's face it. Nobody dances to pick up guys. If we wanted to do that, we'd hit the bar or club as just regular people. That requires a whole lot less preparation,less makeup, and is WAY cheaper in the costuming department. (It's also a whole lot less work. No picking songs, no burning them to cd, no practicing, no getting up in front of a crowd and hoping you don't forget what you're doing...) Let's touch on another point that you probably haven't thought about. We're expensive. I'm not saying high-maintenance... but... ok, maybe we are. Thing is, we've already found a way to provide ourselves with what we need for our art. We don't need you. But if you DID have a dancer, do you have any idea HOW much time she spends at classes, workshops, rehearsals, performances, going to OTHER dancers' performances? Do you realize that there are large events everywhere... and she wants to go to them all? This costs a lot of money. Gas, if she's driving. Airfare if it's farther afield. Accomodations. A lot of these events are at least 2 days in length. Some longer. She's not going to want you tagging along and slavering after her, wanting attention when she's trying to focus on the workshops, the performances, shopping the vendors to see who has the best price on that latest sparkly thing that will go with that costume she's been planning for the last six to twelve months. Costuming. THAT ain't cheap. If you buy it ready made, you're looking at hundreds to THOUSANDS of dollars. For one outfit. And it usually still requires altering. Seamstresses cost money. If she has the skills to make her own, it might be a tiny bit less costly, but quality fabrics and components still aren't free. What she makes up in cost, she pays for in time. It takes a great deal of time to create and shape a costume to flatter the wearer. It takes planning, and a whole bunch of hunting for just the right fringe, the right material, the right trim to match the right color... Expensive. Time and money. What makes you think the woman who already has all that in her life is looking for someone whose eyes glaze over when she dances? There's no time for that. She has relationships, most likely very fulfilling ones, in her life. She has family, friends, her dance associates, other dancers, musicians, teachers. She doesn't need some dude with unrealistic expectations of who she's going to be. Bottom line, she's not who you think she is, and she doesn't want to be that person. She's not there for you, she doesn't care about you beyond hoping that you found the show entertaining. She can't. It's not personal. It's REALLY not personal, in any way. There is no personal connection, and certainly no invitation, when she's out there dancing. Realize that. Sit back, enjoy the performance, then go home. You have nothing to offer her that she wants, and truth be told... she has nothing to offer you that you want, aside from what you've already been given... the gift of her performance. That's it. Fantasy woman isn't fantasy, she's a real, living, breathing human who has worked very hard to get out in front of people and perform. She already has her own life going on. She's not going to drop everything to perpetuate your fantasy. And how DARE you make her more uncomfortable after she's overcome doubt, and fear, and nerves about whether she should BE performing in front of people? That's just unkind, rude, and insensitive. And nobody, dancer or not, wants to associate with someone unkind, rude, or insensitive.

Tears

JoyDawn — Sun, 24 Sep 2006 05:41:56 GMT

In the course of conversation I was asked "What makes you cry?" And being really bad at conversation, and not mentally quick enough to sufficiently evaluate and come up with a concise answer, I gave an easy one. Not untrue, mind, just easy. I said "Usually happy things." using a recent wedding as example. And it is quite true. Joy (not me) is the best way to find tears, and the easiest, most accessible. The most 'allowable' for those of stoic constitution. But the question resonates. Reverberates, really. It criss-crosses my thoughts, and I think on it a bit, it flitters away, and returns later, floating in front of me, daring me to commune with it a litte more. I don't generally like to cry. (Not that anyone does.) I will grit my teeth, clench my jaw, and steel my gaze in order to avoid it. That whole 'sign of weakness' thing. But I do cry. Here are other things that make me cry. Heartbreak and rejection. I'd say those are universal. But you know that moment when you realize the person you love more than anything in the world just doesn't love you back? At least... not in the same way. That aching, black void that opens up inside your heart and threatens to swallow every bit of the light you've ever held? Realizing that no matter what you do, how hard you work to change yourself, what you'll give up, none of that will matter, because it's not you in the first place, it's the other person, and there's just no fixing it unless they do it? And they wont? Yeah. There are tears there. Suffering. Not my own. I can bear that, because it's mine, and I can either do something about it, or somehow I've brought it on myself, either directly, or it's my karma. But the suffering of others...true suffering. The people staring at the ruins of their lives in the aftermath of natural disaster. The children whose eyes plead for the chance to remain innocent in the face of atrocity. These things can bring tears. Transcendance. This one's hard to describe, since I've only felt it a few times. But you know those moments when what you're experiencing completely transcends the reality of the moment? It's entering that alternate reality on the wings of music... not when the music lifts and buoys you to delight. I'm talking about when it flows through you, resonates in your pulse and oozes from your fingertips. It re-emerges as your voice, in gestalt with the voices of others, and creates a bright halo above you. None of this is visible. But you feel it. It's as real as the pores in your skin, the hair standing up on your arms, and radiates from you, surrounds you, and bathes you in its perfect light. Too gushy? Ok, but that's what it feels like. And it brings tears. Better than sex. Unless... well... it's PART of sex. But that's only happened once for me, and was so fleeting I wonder if I imagined it. The other times it was longer, and better, and part of music. So there we have it. Tears.

Today's guilty pleasures.

JoyDawn — Tue, 12 Sep 2006 20:35:05 GMT

A John Cusack movie. German hotdogs with sauerkraut. Skipping out on my psych class. (but that's only because I woke up with this weird hives/rash thing)