The Ascension Sutra
through William Bagley, copyright 2000, 2001, 2005

Introduction
This sutra is being transmitted to Earth at this time in order to assist in orienting the ascension process. It is being transmitted from the Itanami through their representative Sohra. It is composed of precise seed thoughts which are condensations of essential instructions. They are meant to organize and summarize the themes she has spoken about in the more informal transmissions given for a period of over a year. They are meant to be studied to the point of understanding and applied in daily life to the point of feeling transformation happen within one. They are meant to support the ascension commitment that many people have made in regard to their evolutionary process. They are organized according to stanzas and sequentially numbered. Many of the stanzas are interconnected and support larger themes.

Sohra: The stanzas which follow are embodiments of pure light impulses. When you understand the intention and meaning of each stanza, you will feel a light shift within you. Actual heartfelt reading of the sutra has the potential to temporarily or permanently purify the mind, depending on how you receive the information transmitted. I am emanating a vibration to support easy assimilation of these encoded light messages. Therefore I invite those who read the transmission to attune to me. Those who have experienced a direct channeling of my energy can attune to me through remembering the vibration which was felt and letting it manifest in their present experience. Those who have read the previous channelings with receptiveness will at some point in the reading process feel my vibration. Even without any experience in these access modalities, you can begin to feel my vibration by holding me in your thought, using my name as a focusing point, and getting into the feeling that I am, through these words, speaking to you directly. When you have this thought intention within your mind, then your intention to connect with me is sent forth and I will respond. Contact has been made.

Invocation
Sohra: Here and now, always and everywhere, I am choosing to bless this Sutra so that those who read it with openness, sincerity, and clear conscious intention may be healed, may be happy and at peace, and may fully realize their divinity. Whether or not your past karma is filled with addictions, negativity, and delusions, you can, in this present moment, choose to be open, sincere, and clear and thereby make it so for yourself. I invite you to connect with me right here and right now that I might bless you, empower you, and heal you. Please do not worry that you might form an unhealthy dependency on me. You will awaken to your own power as a divine being through what I share. I join with you in your own purpose to evolve into a light being. I can only work with your own intentionality. Because I have fully realized my own divinity, I can empower you to fully realize your own divinity. I will remember who you are until you remember yourself. I can use my fully awakened divine power to protect you, to bless you, to burn away karma for you, and help you find your innate happiness. You will always be free to live your own life. You will learn to fully live in transcendental wisdom, unconditional love, and unrestricted creativity. You will recognize and release your addictions, your negativity, and your delusions. Your flesh body will gently transform into a light body as your thoughts vibrate at higher and higher frequencies. I will, if you choose, be a guide and friend to you in this process.

There is both good karma and bad karma. Although this duality is partly an illusion, bad karma simply is what causes us pain and good karma is what causes us peace. We have the power to choose which karma to strengthen in our life. Every thought we act upon is either peaceful or painful. We can feel which is which as we become more sensitive. We learn that we need to walk a path to complete liberation and full realization of our divinity.

While this Sutra invites everyone to walk the journey it offers, it is not meant for everyone. Each is being guided to the path that is most suited to him or her. The good karma that each person has cultivated in the past determines the path of least resistance in their present circumstances. Those with the right kind of good karma will attract this Sutra to them. Those with another right kind of good karma will immediately put the stanzas into practice. There are those who will even feel that they are already practicing what it says and are happy to find their own path affirmed. Please do not expect everyone to get as excited as you are about this Sutra. If you find someone resistant to what it says, then respect this resistance and let them find their own way. They may come back later on when they see that you are happier and more radiant as a result. Give the Sutra time to transform you.
I would wish that before reading or reciting this Sutra that you formally invoke my presence through the mantra that I have empowered. The words of this mantra are:

Sohra Saganah Itaho

When you chant this mantra, you can do this mentally or verbally. Chanting mentally while focusing on the Soh symbol at your third eye point is a very deep practice and can be done when you are alone. Chanting verbally while focusing on the Soh symbol at your third eye is a good group practice and allows the energies of the group to help all the individuals within the group. In this way, you can help each other and carry each other through some of the more difficult challenges on your evolutionary path.
I have not chosen to prescribe the number of repetitions for you to chant. I would like for you to chant on a daily basis if you can and to chant enough during one session to feel shifted inside. If you feel somewhat dry inside and nothing seems to move well, then please recite the Ascension Sutra instead.

Although I can only help you within the limits of universal law, my help can be a powerful support. I, too, was supported by the light beings that came before me. You will do the same when you fully realize your divinity. Your true nature is love itself and love wishes for all sentient beings to be happy. When you chant, invoke through conscious intention the wish to be as open, as sincere, and as concentrated as possible. This will make the connection we have as powerful and as useful to you as possible. I can only give within the level of permission that you offer me to work within. Universal law respects the principle of free choice and so do I.
When you focus on the Soh symbol at the third eye, visualize the Soh symbol in a vibrant red color. This symbolizes and invokes the purifying fire which burns away karma. It starts with purifying perception so that you may see that your radiant home is everywhere. Because of the karmas you have yet to burn away, you may or may not be able to feel the changes happening to you within present time. You may need to persist in the process before you can feel the results. You may notice changes happening gently in your life. You may notice your wishes being spontaneously fulfilled by coincidences. You may notice that you feel happier and lighter inside. At some point you will feel the changes happening in present time. You will feel tinglings move through your body and subtle energies move through the meridians of your energy body. Insights will flash across your silent mind and give you solutions to many problems you might be experiencing. You may feel a heaviness drop away from you. When you have invoked me, please consider that all spontaneous change is good and do not worry about what happens to you. Sometimes old emotional energies will surface to be released in your consciousness. Stay centered in the chant and in the visualization. Learn to move through these spaces without getting caught in them. Feel like you are breathing in my energy on the inhale and surrendering to the energy flow on the exhale. Intone the mantra softly on the exhale. Let me guide your breathing through your intuitive feeling. When we are connected through the Soh symbol, then our wisdoms are merged together and you will feel what right breathing is. Please stay with the energy movements that you feel until you get a completion signal. Sometimes, when your schedules do not allow for this, you may not be able to match this. In this case, you can continue the meditation below the surface of your daily life.
When you have gotten the completion signal, then you can read or recite this Ascension Sutra. There is a blessing in sharing this Sutra with others. It generates good karma to do so. There is a blessing in just listening to this Sutra. It generates good karma to do so. The positive effects of this Sutra are simple and noticeable. It happens so naturally that you might not always notice this. You may notice that you are already feeling a little better than you did before you started reading, listening, or reciting this. Everything we think, feel, and do generates manifesting energy. When you are joined with me, then you will manifest divinity in form.

Please take a moment now to concentrate upon me and receive the blessing before you start.

The Stanzas
1. Ascension is the process of aligning your conscious vibration with your individual divine nature.
2. Every thought has a vibration.
3. When you believe a thought, then your consciousness vibrates on the level of the thought.
4. Thoughts of like vibration reinforce each other through logical consistency.
5. When you accept one thought of a specific vibrational rate, logic will compell you to accept all the others.
6. All thoughts of a specific vibrational level are holographic. Each thought contains all the other thoughts within a given frequency.
7. Any thought which is not in accord with your individual divine nature is a limitation to your eternal freedom to create whatever life you want for yourself.
8. Your conscious vibration became nonaligned with your divinity when you accepted your first limiting thought. When this happened, anger, fear, and sadness began to vibrate within your emotional experience.
9. Anger, fear, and sadness are reactions of your energy field to the feeling of limitation.
10. Anger, fear, and sadness only became emotions when you identified with them.
11. The thought "I am a material body which has needs, can be hurt, can experience disease, will age, and will die" is a core limiting thought.
12. When you believe you are a material body, then you are identified with your material body.
13. Whatever you identify with becomes real for you and defines your life.
14. Behind identification with the material body is the thought of matter itself.
15. The thought of matter is "Everything is composed of a stuff which exists independently of my mind and which is not affected by my thought intention."
16. As long as you believe the thought of matter, then you will experience frustration. By identifying with matter, you have made real a thought which will resist all your thought intentions.
17. As long as you identify with a material body, you will be limited to your concept of its sensory and muscular abilities.
18. Your divine nature has the power to instantly manifest anything it can imagine through simply intending it to happen.
19. Only thoughts you hold against your intention have the power to block this.
20. There are three sacred limitations to your divine ability. You cannot limit your Creator. You cannot control another soul. You cannot manifest a contradiction.
21. All souls are equal in their right and ability to create their own life.
22. Any thought which denies the freedom of any soul to choose their own life is a negative thought.
23. Any thought which tries to manifest a contradiction is a confused thought.
24. Any thought which tries to find fulfillment through matter is a greedy thought.
25. Greed, negativity, and confusion are the three impurities of the mind.
26. Anger, fear, and sadness reflect mental impurities.
27. The result of mental impurities is unhappiness.
28. When your mind is pure, then you are happy.
29. When the mind is impure, then seeking pleasurable material sensations and avoiding painful material sensations replaces real happiness.
30. Material sensations are transitory and we cannot hold on to them. We defined matter to behave according to laws outside our thought intention. Material sensations are the result of interdependent chains of cause and effect which are endlessly transforming matter moment to moment.
31. To seek fulfillment in material conditions and material sensations is to be lost in the river of time, endurance, and sorrow.
32. In this flow, there is only temporary relief from sorrow when you repress all your painful sensations and make real the pleasurable material sensation of the moment. When the sensation transforms, there is anxiety, loss, and pain.
33. The body ages and dies, because it gets worn out by the struggle to find happiness and avoid hurt. The stress of having material experience and thought intention contradict each other causes its tension and pain.
34. The mystery of sexual attraction and sexual communion, at its highest level, can bring renewing energy into the human body and human life. It is reflected in the power to give birth to another material body. Total orgasm is a moment of no limiting thoughts being held in our conscious vibration. This single moment has kept the process of reincarnation alive.
35. The pain of romantic relationships comes from greed, negativity, and confusion. Greed yearns for sexual and romantic fulfillment. Negativity blames the other person for not fulfilling our happiness. Confusion prevents us from being clear, responsible, and free.
36. In the moment of loving romantic union, there are no problems. The thinking mind is temporarily banished and we are free. All problems in romantic relationships come from how the thinking mind tries to wrap around this experience through beliefs, possessiveness, and expectations.
37. Sexual and romantic experience can, therefore, have three purposes. It can be for material pleasurable sensations. It can be for bonding and security. It can be for energy and initiation.
38. The first purpose only deepens bondage to matter and intensifies sorrow. It is sexual romantic addiction.
39. The second purpose creates an illusion and sets up the feeling of abandonment.
40. The only the third purpose leads to liberation from limitation.
41. The third purpose requires two friends to contain.
42. The third purpose requires that both friends protect the sacredness through mindfulness. All greed, negativity, and confusion must be cleared first from the conscious vibration.
43. The action of orgasmic energies is to raise unconscious greed, negativity, and confusion to the conscious vibration in order to be released. Unless the friends protect the sacredness, then they will be consumed by what comes up.
44. When romantic friends are consumed by greed, negativity, and confusion, the advice is to separate from each other and process the energies which have arisen to the point of release.
45. Each mind is responsible for its own impurities.
46. If a romantic friend holds negativity, greed, or confusion about their sexual partner, then it blocks the third purpose. The sexual interaction will then fall into the lower two purposes and cause sorrow.
47. If a romantic friend strongly identifies with their negativity, greed, or confusion, then the energy connection will spontaneously release. The other person will feel the initiation period is complete.
48. Because ascension is an individual process, romantic initiations are not necessary.
49. The thought that we need another person to be happy or to ascend is a limiting thought.
50. Fear of entering into romantic initiations, protected by celibacy, can hide limiting thoughts.
51. If one chooses to have romantic initiations and wants to sincerely serve the third purpose, then one needs to already be committed to and involved in the ascension process. It is important that the commitment be valued and sustainable independent of the relationship.
52. Honoring the third purpose requires honesty about not rationalizing lower motives and pretending that they are a wish for initiation. If you do not have this honesty, life will teach it through pain.
53. Romantic relationships are transitory. Any wish for permanence is possessiveness in disguise.
54. Romantic relationships do not make us whole. Any wish to be completed by another is avoidance of our empowerment process and is an attachment to being dependant upon someone.
55. Romantic relationships do not make us happy. Any wish for the other to make us happy is a material greed. We can enjoy being with the other person, but not require them to make us happy.
56. There are no special others you are destined to meet. When conditions are right, synchronicities will attract two friends together and initiate a growth process. There needs to be energy compatibility, mutual respect, and evolutionary necessity.
57. Sometimes a long term partnership emerges from the three conditions being constantly in alignment for two friends and can even span lifetimes or forever. Both friends will have learned to protect the sacredness, stay within their own ascension process, and grant total freedom to the other person.
58. A romantic friendship is an energy connection each can choose to maintain. It exists as long as it is mutually desired.
59. If the energy connection is trusted, then possessiveness and control will not arise.
60. Any demand that another person be there for us and give us something is a control issue. A higher being wishes only to receive what another gives from uncompelled freedom moment to moment.
61. A higher being does not even hold a person to promises they have made in the past. Sometimes promises become obsolete because of growth. Until then, a higher being is responsible for their promises as best they are able.
62. If we do not demand that people be responsible, then we will be able to find and accept the level of responsibility each person can give to us.
63. We can give people time to earn our trust and let us have time to earn theirs, rather than rush into unrealistic expectations.
64. Trust develops from conscious habits which evolve from our interactions with each other. This unfolds step by step within a pattern of natural change.
65. We will feel betrayed when we expect too much from a person. Behind expecting too much is the motive of greed.
66. People might not know who they are and project an image of being more reliable than they are. We will believe this if we want to be deceived. Their deception does not absolve us from our responsibility to assess how reliable a person is for us.
67. No one is responsible for how another feels.
68. No one is obligated by the needs of another person.
69. We have a right to set whatever boundaries we need in order to feel comfortable.
70. We are free to create whatever life we want for ourselves.
71. We are not meant to control the life of anyone else.
72. Everyone is free to come and go from our life.
73. Any reluctance to let someone go is a subtle greed.
74. A higher being does not cling to anyone for any reason.
75. Not clinging to anyone, we will not be entangled in the energy field of anyone.
76. When we are not entangled, then we feel everyone always in the oneness and relax into universal trust.
77. Then we easily allow everyone to live their own life, come and go as they please, and trust that we will meet our friends when mutually desired, when needed for survival, healing, growth, and celebration, and when possible given the life unfoldment priorities of each person.
78. Both genders, male and female, are totally equal in their rights, freedom, and abilities. Whether cultural prejudice, social laws, religious beliefs, and peer groups acknowledge or do not acknowledge this, it is eternally true on a soul level.
79. The deepest social revolution is to empower people to live on the soul level. Everything else will change accordingly as an effect of this.
80. The belief that one is a victim of social prejudice is a limiting thought.
81. Genders are not identities but choices. Each soul can choose to be male or female at will. Understanding this, neither gender is superior to the other. The differences between genders only have meaning in relationship to the polarity energy which is created between them. This energy alternates in the higher levels of sexual communion. They are mirror image differences. Each gender works out the same issues in parallel ways.
82. The choice to be a gender is very common, but not necessary for soul evolution. It adds one extra possibility of interpersonal interaction.
83. There are many souls who choose to explore realms outside the gender dance.
84. No one can stop you from fully empowering yourself.
85. The belief that a society can oppress a soul is a material illusion and a limiting thought.
86. Nevertheless it is wise to respect the material limitations of your life until you have transcended them.
87. Start by thinking differently. All else will follow this.
88. You can evolve whatever body you wish.
89. To think that your body obeys laws outside your thoughts is a material illusion and a limiting thought. Aging and death are resignations to this illusion.
90. Look at your body, decide what you wish to change, visualize this possibility, hold the thought intention of manifesting it, let the energy shift, and then let the universe carry this new intention.
91. Some opposing subconscious thoughts may need to be released before our new thought intention is fully manifested. The energy shift will bring up these opposing thoughts.
92. All the changes we wish for ourselves need to come from acceptance of where we are. If we condemn ourselves and wish to change to feel better about ourselves, then they will not happen.
93. All change comes from love and love accepts things as they are.
94. Learn to love things as they are first and then change will unfold easily.
95. Everything is unfolding perfectly.
96. If you are trying to force change, then you are believing in muscular effort and are identifying with a material body. This, at best, only produces unnecessary tension.
97. Relax into being a soul. Know the power of a gentle, clear, focused, and trusting mind. Any intention is manifested naturally from this level of vibration.
98. Your body does not have to age and die.
99. It is completely subject to our conscious choice.
100. Whether or not we acknowledge our soul power, it still operates behind our thoughts.
101. Everyone is choosing all their experiences.
102. If we know this, then we can take charge of this process.
103. If we know this, then we will not reinforce the victim story of another soul. This holds the possibility of their liberation for them until they can accept their own power.
104. We can allow people to play out their victim dramas without getting caught in them.
105. When we or others blame anyone, it is an illusion.
106. When we see our own blaming of others is an illusion, then when others blame us we will not be hurt.
107. Rising above thoughts of punishment, blame, guilt, victimhood, and abuse is part of the ascension process. Beyond the power struggle, there is the spontaneous and eternal dance of creative freedom.
108. Nothing happens except by the consent of all involved. When someone is tired enough of the game, then they will leave.
109. Yet even one thought of attachment can hold a person in a painful dance.
110. The core process is to understand clearly what ascension is, hold the choice to be involved in this process, feel the body energize, allow the higher energies to purify our field of anger, fear, and sadness, let all tension melt from our muscles, let our spine become erect, be open to the transformational experience, release all limiting thoughts, trust the universe to change us, and feel our bodies turn into light.
111. Find friends who support this process and link with them.
112. Let a higher being help you and guide you.
113. Be in breathing attunement with their energies.
114. Be sensitive to when you shutdown your connection and then return into the feeling.
115. Surrender to where your energy flow wants to go.
116. Let the energy flow go into and beyond all your unconscious anger, fear, and sadness.
117. Resist no experience within the flow.
118. If resistance is felt within you, then accept it, go into it, and release it.
119. Enjoy moving into and through all your emotions.
120. Pain is sensation combined with resistance.
121. When resistance ends, then painful sensations can become pleasant.
122. Resistance has condemnation behind it.
123. Let go of all negativity.
124. A higher being can guide you through all these spaces within a cocoon of safety.
125. On the way, you will feel oneness with life and others grow stronger.
126. Relax into being a soul.
127. Feel the peaceful presence of being a soul.
128. All dark emotions float around our loving core. They cannot enter in.
129. We do not have to be caught in them or identified with them.
130. Releasing their hold on us, we become truly free.
131. Each release moves our conscious vibration to a higher frequency until we fully ascend.
132. Each release is a permanent gain which makes the next surrender easier to do.
133. Take care to not get caught in what surfaces from the unconscious or you will get pulled down.
134. If this happens, then surrender again into the flow.
135. If you stay stuck, seek a friend who can mirror and support your process.
136. I am always a thought away.
137. There are crystals, geometric grids, healing modalities, and energy tools which can help.
138. You can help each other by sending energy to each other.
139. Change happens to the degree each of you is able to receive, accept, and allow the energies to change you.
140. You surrender to the action of love and give up your negativity, greed, and confusion in its presence.
141. It is inevitable that all will eventually ascend.
142. Trust everyone you know to find their own way and then give them space.
143. Learn not to be attached to helping others or you will get entangled in their problems.
144. Simply be available for each other and live your own life.
145. Know when you cannot help another.
146. Each person is in total control of their process.
147. Let people have their resistance, doubts, pain, and illusions.
148. Offer them help and leave them alone.
149. Discern who wants real help and who wants to suck you into their problems and give you responsibility for their pain. They will end up blaming you and being resentful.
150. Be okay with people not liking you. They have a right to any opinion they want and you have a right to not be affected.
151. Let each person live their own truth.
152. Let yourself live your own truth.
153. Meet, when you can, in agreement.
154. Move on when you cannot agree.
155. Do not try to convince anyone. Everyone is entitled to their beliefs.
156. Explain your view clearly if they let you and then let them decide.
157. Notice and release the subtle greed for external validation of your own opinions.
158. Anyone who seems to cause us pain is illuminating a limiting thought for us to release. Knowing this, we can perceive that the whole universe wishing to help us.
159. We can expand peacefully within our comfort zone.
160. We do not need to learn from painful experiences.
161. Pain is optional. It happens when our learning process did not get the same lesson from peaceful possibilities.
162. When we do not freely choose to learn, then we are setting up a painful lesson.
163. Be okay with being a happy nobody who does not know anything and who has achieved nothing. Simply ascend and enjoy life.
164. Everyone will eventually choose to be healed of all pain, the only question is when. Knowing this, see that ascension is the path of least difficulty.
165. See that resistance to ascension is only prolonging pain for you. Knowing this, you will let go more quickly.
166. Get used to the feeling that total ascension could happen any moment.
167. As much as possible, live the consciousness of ascension in this present moment.
168. Visualize the day you want to have and allow it to happen.
169. Always remember the divinity of everyone around you.
170. Be realistic about negativity, greed, and confusion. Be willing to see them and not be caught in them. Projecting a sentimental illusion of goodness over faults is not the same as acknowledging faults and seeing beyond them.
171. Let people have their negativity, greed, and confusion. Otherwise you can become negative about negativity, greedy for nonattachment, and confused about confusion.
172. Even with negativity, greed, and confusion, everyone is where they are meant to be.
173. Trust life to protect you.
174. Cultivate joy, gratitude, devotion, trust, faith, and humor.
175. Know you have friends in high places.

Tenabah: Sohra transmitted some technical detail about various processes highlighted in the stanzas. If a person meditates on the stanzas some inner knowledge of the technical aspects will come. She is aware of much power struggle upon our planet and has encoded information about how to form clear boundaries. If you find yourself resistant to what a stanza shares, then I would suggest noting down the resistance and seeing if there is a lesson to be learned there. When a high level thought is transmitted into our mind, it sometimes finds resistance from our inner limiting mass of thoughts. The pressure that we feel is the initial loosening of its hold.
Sohra uses greed, craving, and addiction as synonyms. She also uses conditioning, confusion, and delusion as synonyms as well as negativity, condemnation, and resistance. There is a vibration that is deeper than all these words. It is worthwhile to try to feel beyond these words and feel the energies that they represent more directly.

There were also some translation challenges from her light language into English. This was especially true when it came to sexual and romantic experiences. We discussed inside whether to use the word "cherishing" to describe sexual romantic attraction/desire. We decided that it would be more complex to make too many language adjustments. She would be adjusting the meanings on an energy level within receptive readers. If you make a correction in thought concerning a stanza and feel your mind shift into light, then the suggestion is to stay within the interpretation you gain from within and to honor your own rephrasing. However when some translation is done, it is important to be mindful of any rationalization of greed, negativity, or confusion.

The term "orgasmic energies" was also a concession. This is because we do not have any other term for blissful organic waves of sensation energy moving through our bodies. The term is understood more correctly if we understand that orgasm as an explosion of energy does not have to happen. The Itanami generally agree with the Tantric and Taoist teachings about sexuality. The relinquishment of the goal of orgasm and a relaxing into open ended present time is a wiser orientation and is part of the third purpose. Attaching to orgasm is usually driven by the pleasure drive of the first purpose or the bonding drive of the second purpose. When swimming in the bliss waves, the important part of the process is to let the energies cleanse one and to let oneself continue to commune with the other person. Not trying to get anywhere and not trying to achieve any goal is part of being present with them. If there is performance anxiety, then this focus has been lost. Trying to please another can be a subtle way of trying to hold them in your life. When the third purpose is maintained, then there is no energy loss. The synergy grows until a fullness is naturally reached and then there is a relaxation. The Taoists sometimes call this "valley orgasm", rather than the dramatic explosive mountain peak orgasm. It is a finer process which is gentler on the nerves and which allows internal evolution to continue. Unlike Tantric and Taoist approaches, but not opposed to them if you feel called to do them, the Itanamic approach feels like a natural involvement, rather than acting out a memorized technique. One of the defining characteristics of the Itanamic life style is that they do not believe in repetition. They do not build up methods and instead emphasize the growth of spiritual understanding. Trying to repeat a method can be a way of not feeling how subtle negativity, greed, and confusion could be playing out in our experience.
Sohra shared about the mental body having two sides. One has to do with conventional consensus reality and memorizing the definitions and behaviors required for us to operate there. The other has to do with alignment with the light field. Every time we think in accord with the light field, part of our mental body gets absorbed into its vibration. This part remains in the light. This is the "higher mental body" which some teachers have shared about. This mass of light grows stronger with each incarnation. It is sometimes obscured by us getting caught in a negative thought and playing out its drama, but when we are done with its ordeal we return back into our higher vibration and continue our ascension process. There is some risk of getting into more intensely negative spaces when we advance, because, having less total negative thoughts, the amount of power which goes into them may be greater. If I have 100 units of energy and it must be shared with 100 thoughts, then each thought has one unit of energy. But if I only have 10 thoughts, then each thought has 10 units of energy and their manifesting power is 10 times as stronger. Although this is a crude analogy, I think it can serve to show that greater care is required with not thinking negative thoughts as we advance. As we get very close into the high vibration of the total light field, even one negative thought is too much and hurts us until we release it.
Sohra wishes for people to learn to disentangle themselves from the energy field of each other. When we do this, then we usually will feel our fear, clinging, control, and dependency issues surface. Her suggestion is to stay with those feelings, invoke the light, and not be tempted to find a replacement and then have to repeat the same struggle again. Without disentangling ourselves from the energy field of every person, we cannot complete the ascension process. This is why many of the stanzas have to do with relationships.

It is possible to have multiple romantic friends, though many souls prefer to stay with one in an exclusive commitment to each other. It is for the sake of simplicity and enoughness. Exclusive commitment, however, makes it easier to hide jealousy and possessiveness issues. It is a good exercise to imagine allowing your partner to have multiple relationships and see what feelings it brings up inside one. Allowing everyone space to be who they are is important in all ascension based lifestyles or otherwise we are subtlely wrapping ourselves around them and entangling our energies in theirs. It is also a good exercise imagining the relationship ending and seeing if one can be at peace with this.

Sohra and I chose the term "romantic friends", because the vibration of the word "lovers" felt too intense and locked in. The word "lovers" seemed to be charged with very strong expectations and hopes which seem to predefine certain conflicts into the relationship dance. We tend to expect less from friends and therefore have less conflict with them.

The word "greed" was chosen to symbolize a kind of aggressive neediness which seeks external fulfillment. Any kind of craving or addictive energy qualifies. It is not merely wanting something or simple desire, but a desire which demands fulfillment and can therefore be frustrated because it is not flexible or compromising. Ordinary healthy desire has a floating and adaptive quality which can navigate the present moment in peace.

Sohra illuminated in my mind the story of Padmasambhava and Yeshe Tsogyal. They were Tantric partners. When Yeshe felt an attachment arise within her for Padmasambhava, then latter instinctively withdrew until she learned to release it. In ordinary romantic interactions, we do not instinctively withdraw from each other, but resign ourselves to feeling possessed. Sometimes we then try to change the attitude of our partner in order to feel free of their possessiveness. This leads us into a power struggle with them. In the third purpose, it is actually our honoring of the sacredness which causes us to withdraw until balance is established. This is what makes people operating in the third purpose different from those who are in the second purpose. Only people who are comfortable being alone can do this.

Because sexual communion is for energy and initiation, it is not done with addictive frequency or habitual regularity within a secure bond. It is actually only done when there is no craving for sexual experience. Each experience, therefore, counts and is prepared for. Learning how to surrender to the energies in the breathing needs to come first. Third purpose sexual communion usually does fall into its own kind of rhythm during the initiation period. It is usually exclusive with one partner for its duration, because it takes some skill to attune to one person well. Desiring multiple partners may hide pleasure craving and commitment/intimacy fears. Third purpose evolution does require us to grow into a high level of sensitivity, restraint, and honesty. We may fall a number of times before rising to this level. There is no judgment in the learning process. Some care is wise in the experimenting, because living beings are involved and can get hurt. Ideally the person fully integrates one experience before moving into another one. This means carrying an energy process full cycle until it feels complete. The duration is somewhat variable because it depends on what the experience brings up for them.

From the viewpoint of "relationship breakup", third purpose unions are not considered permanant even when they last a very long time. Ending is natural since all space and time dances are transitory. Expecting relationships to last forever is a subtle pressure on them which causes strain. There is often a need to blame someone for the good feelings having gone away, when all that has happened is that both people have outgrown the relationship and need to move on. When endings are considered natural, then people will prepare for them and experience them in a different way. It is more complex when children are involved. The Itanami shared that they would only have children when a certain energy was present between two adults which could carry them. This energy container would last until the children were about 12 to 14 years old. At this time they would be considered adults.

Itanamic social life functioned very differently than Earth, there was no survival struggle to prepare children for. There was an inner sense of only having children when needed and therefore the population never grew beyond a tolerable and peaceful level for the planet. Children were shared with the local adults who took some turns caring for the local young. They felt the varied attention was healthy for the children. There was no feeling of greedy strangers with uncaring purposes to protect children from. 14 year old adults would often stay at home and shift their energies to the level of adult responsibility. They would sometimes travel their world and learn from other localities. There was a permeation of a sense of freedom and having them at home was no burden. It was not a duty driven society where parents feel compelled to do things for their children or feel guilty. Children raised themselves within the energy field of the family which perfectly cared for a small number of essential needs and left them alone. If the parents did separate because they had outgrown each other, they would stay together until the energy field completed its birthing purpose. They would move on to other partners, but hold the field for their children. This very rarely happened, because the kind of negativity which inspires dramatic break ups and the kind of greed which inspires people to rush into relationships and parenting too quickly did not happen. Having children was not an automatic process, but something which required the energy field to build up for at least two years. This was over and above the slow initiatory build ups required for the two romantic friends. There was also a stronger global mind which only made Itanami want to have children when the population needed it. Population was precisely regulated by the oversoul of Ita. There was an exact number of souls which perpetually reincarnated back into bodies on their world with occasional extraplanetary visitors.

We also discussed the word "commitment" and felt much confused vibrations around it. There is a sense of commitment where you devote your full energy into making something work and to give it the time it deserves. There is another kind of commitment which has to do with enduring something for a specified time no matter how painful it is. There is a sense of locking into something and making sure you cannot escape it or staying within something no matter how you feel. There is a heavy and serious vibration to the word "commitment" which has no corresponding to the Itanami. Relationships were more light, open, and playful. There was more permission to come and go from them and even to come back again. People followed an energetic rhythm within their contacts with others. As a result of this different feeling, people stayed together more and did not "break up" with each other. When you do not try to hold something together, then it cannot break up. People were more relaxed about being with each other and had less expectations about each other. There was more of a "try and see" attitude, a trusting of natural attraction, and an honoring of when an interaction felt complete for the time being. Commitment did not seem necessary for the process, except as a commitment to be open and present with each other. Yet it seems that when humans "commit" to being open, it means fighting the urge to close down. Commitment and struggle seem related in Earth life. The Itanami would feel that commitment and struggle in relationships would be a result of being too serious in them. In other words, by letting people have their hang ups, they would relax more and eventually dissolve them. Demanding that people not have their hang ups sets up a serious struggle. Perhaps an "open hearted devotedness" could replace "commitment". It is more open ended and present centered.

Etabah and Sohra are romantic friends. There is a deep, eternal, and profound love that they have for each other which totally honors the freedom of each other. There is not the slightest demand placed on the other person. They are not "bonded" to each other, but are "connected" to each other through the light which unites all beings with each other. Even though this light unites all of us all of the time, it remains in the background of our lives until "enlivened" through interaction. It creates the feeling of being in touch with someone even when they are out of body sensory range. Both Etabah and Sohra trust and cherish this connection. They always grow from the experience of each other as a result. They could enter into other romantic friendships with other partners if they wanted to. Therefore they would have what Earth calls an "open relationship". The kinds of experience both of them would be exploring, however, would not seem to be in the human sexual-romantic zone. They would mainly be involving themselves with energy dimensions where most experiences are not mediated by bodily forms as we know them. They are mainly operating as spheres of light, but can project a bodily form into our dimension when needed and when possible.
When Sohra did materialize a few times, she appeared as a beautiful smiling naked body whose age was hard to discern. There was the vitality and youthfulness of a mature teenager. Yet the presence and wisdom of an adult who had experienced much and learned from all her experiences. There was a sense of being open and yet able to effortlessly protect herself. Like some of the reports of Dakinis recorded in Tibetan Buddhism, there was no lust or inspiring of lust in her field. It is as if lust requires something to hook into and there was nothing to take hold of within her vibrational field. The tentacles of lust would burn away when they entered the purifying fire of the field. It was not controlling the response of the other, but a kind of nonagreement which did not feed this kind of energy in anyway. In contact with her body, there was an energy surge. I did not realize that, because the body is a projection, connecting with her sensory appearance was communing with her and opened me up to her transformational power. It felt like it could have knocked me across the room, but it was somehow being peacefully contained. I did not expect her to appear naked, but it made sense later on, since she is beyond shame or showing off, the need for shelter and clothing as environmental protection, feels totally secure and safe in her universal trust, and has a simple innocence which requires no layering of a personality over the essence. She has adapted to the clothing customs of the cultures she has visited. But like many previous encounters with the Itanami, her appearance in her naked form was designed to teach through experience. There was a playful quality to the encounter too. There was no serious teaching agenda, but a trust that simple experiences would feed a natural learning process.

The Use of the Sutra
Sohra is intending this Sutra to be a special summarization to prepare for some direct ascension work. There is a trust that all who are attracted or called into this process will be enlivened by it and will know how to take it in. Namaste.
Aphorisms of Sohra

There are some sharings which Sohra has given over many channelings which I would like to share here. The purpose of doing so is to give people a flavor of her distinctive energy. The assumption is that many who read this have not read the other channelings.

1. There are only two states of consciousness. They are love and confusion. One is either resting in love, knowing it is the solution for every problem you could ever have, or one is in confusion, moving from solution to solution without ever being satisfied with any of them.
2. Any point in time, one is in a place where one has infinite choices, and every one of them is right.
3. The world will be healed by joy.
4. It is not loss of love that makes us grieve, but loss of loving. Imagine your heart has an arm and touch the one you are missing now.
5. There is no need to practice love, because you are love. If you relax, be yourself, and feel your connectedness with others, love will naturally flow through you.
6. Your essence is already joy, already love. You already have the wisdom you seek, it is part of your innate common sense. What is there to know about life? It is about loving each other and creating wonder together. Each of you are the treasures in the life of each other. Life is only meant to be a creative celebration of the love we have for each other. Everything else is an ignorance and confusion which is meant to be healed. There is no need to understand the words I share with you regarding this, simply use them to remember what you are already know.
7. The universe responds to your every thought, to your every desire. Life is a perfect mirror of what you wish to receive. Therefore be clear about what it is that you really want and also know that what you wish upon all others will come back to you. When confusion reigns in the heart, we cannot see what a blessing life is.
8. It takes no effort to love. It is the natural radiance of your soul. All the strain and stress that you feel comes from trying to restrict yourself from totally loving everyone. Release this effort and you will naturally bless all others, and you will also cease to attack yourself or cause yourself pain.
9. The whole universe arises within the radiance of my awareness. We are all radiant points of light in an ocean of love. We all include each other within our mutual radiances, forever interacting with each other no matter where we are.
10. My love is your love. My knowing is your knowing. My strength is your strength. I am within you and you are within me. I will remember who you are until you remember yourself and thereby return home. I am only a thought away. I will never abandon you.
11. The universe is always supportive of all of us. To ascend back into consciously vibrating with your divinity, to transform your seeming material body into the light body it truly already is, to again roam the cosmos as a free being, you need only to hold this thought intention in your mind and trust the universe to manifest it. Let go of all opposing thoughts, let go of all doubts, and let yourself trust, allow, and relax, and fall into deep wakefulness of who you are. Move past all the terrors conjured by your own fears, call back the fire of your anger back into your process and let it burn away your obstacles rather than each other, let your heavy sorrow help you to sink deeper into your world, into each other, and into the love that you have always had for each other. Love your enemies until you remember that they are your eternal friends. With each inhale, open up to all that life wishes to pour into you. With each exhale, relax deeply and defenselessly into your present moment. Fall into each pause of your breathing and feel the eternal float within you. Rest nowhere else other than in an endlessly unfolding change. When your body turns from earth into water, do not be afraid, when your body turns from water into fire, do not be afraid, when your body turns from fire into space, do not afraid, for out of space your light body will emerge. Every molecule within you was meant to dance. When you open the eyes of your light body, I and billions of enlightened beings will greet you. We will rejoice that you will suffer no more.
12. Until you ascend into your light body, until you fully realize the divinity that you are, until you enter into the purity of no thought, let yourself not be entangled in the dramas of your world. Be content to be outcast, abandoned, disbelieved, and rejected. If you demand approval and become attached to fame, then you will be tied to the wheel of human opinions. Your heart will then be vulnerable to every angry thought which is hurdled your way. If you demand to be believed, then you will be tied to arguing and convincing everyone. If you need companionship, then you will become possessive and suffer control dramas with everyone. Learn to be nobody. Abandon all ambition to succeed in the eyes of others. Only a nobody, stripped of all false ideas of self, can ascend into the purity of enlightenment. Thank everyone who has shaken you and disturbed you. For they have touched an entanglement which holds you to this world and are helping you to let go.
13. Although it is possible for you to attain nonaging, nonsickness, nonpoverty, nonpain, and nondeath, please do not fear death. You cannot die. Death cannot stop you from attaining the light body. No matter where you are, keep letting go and relaxing into the light. If you are sick, surrender into the light. If you are well, surrender into the light. If you are alone, surrender into the light. If you are making love with your ideal soul partner, surrender into the light. If you continue with a partner, surrender into the light. If you part ways, surrender into the light. If you come back together, surrender into the light. If you are wealthy, surrender into the light. If you are poor, surrender into light. If you feel the light all around you, surrender into the light. If you are dying, surrender into the light. If someone praises you, surrender into the light. If someone condemns you, surrender into the light. You are on a train ride home and you only want to get off at the last stop called Home. Enjoy every experience along the way and let each one go. Each experience will go anyway and just knowing this will set you free. No experience has ever bound you, only your fear and craving has.
14. What you call the world is a collective consciousness of anger, fear, sadness, pain, greed, and confusion. It does not exist anywhere but in the minds which are making it real. You can safely renounce this world and not miss anything essential to your life. Your very effort to get out of its grip will make you have compassion for those who are still lost in it. But please be not afraid to embrace nature, body, passion, and Earthly life. Life was meant to be celebration and still can be. Every little joy you feel with each other can expand a millionfold until you ascend into the deepest joy and deepest freedom.
15. What I am sharing is that you embrace life without you getting caught anywhere. When you relax your consciousness and embrace everything, then all the memory imprints that hold your ancient hurts from your ancient past begin to fall away. Your effort to not get hurt actually protects your imprints and becomes a cage for you. Unless your consciousness becomes so open that you expand into infinity again, you will never feel truly yourself. Therefore live fearlessly.
16. I came here to celebrate with you and not to save you from yourselves. I know who you are and you are wondrous beings. You have forgotten this and accepted a lesser destiny which is no destiny at all. I see a day when we will roam the cosmos together and celebrate our lives with infinite brothers and sisters in the light and they will visit you with the eagerness to see the creative wonders that you have manifested with your own mind. One day you will let go of your last illusion and fully become that which you have always been.

Entering the Fourth Purpose

Introduction

In the Ascension Sutra, Sohra shared that sexual experience could operate within three purposes. The first one is simple enjoyment. The second one is bonding and security. The third one is learning, growth, and initiation. She wanted to complete this teaching by adding that it is possible to enter into a fourth purpose.

The fourth purpose is enjoying each other without addiction, bonding without posessiveness, and growth without resistance. It is letting each other be in their freedom, taking only what is freely given and demanding nothing. It is imposing no rules other than letting oneself be respected as a person. It is being gentle and safe with each other, sharing feelings without requiring the other to change, and letting intimacy spontaneously deepen from timely self revelation. It is never clinging to the other so that you can never be abandoned and trusting that love transcends space and time to link us forever.

Sohra had originally wanted the fourth purpose to be a separate transmission, because she felt humans might rationalize and confuse second purpose security bonding with fourth purpose commitment. The possessiveness and neediness of the second purpose is not mature love. However, the planet Earth has been growing and needing a more complete picture of what love is. If there is too much pain and argument it is second purpose power struggle fighting for its security object and not respecting the freedom of the other person. A fourth purpose relationship allows complete freedom and allows the other person to even explore feelings for others. If one wants to honest, rather than spin a fantasy around someone, then one can tell a second purpose motivation. Fourth purpose relationships, however, do also idealize each other, but because they feel the divine potential manifesting in the other.

Sohra:
I would like to frame the fourth purpose in some sutra stanzas:
1. Sexual experience can vibrate to a fourth purpose.
2. The fourth purpose is a fusion of the three purposes.
3. It has the joy of the first purpose without addiction to pleasure.
4. It has the bonding of the second purpose without attachment to security and without possessiveness.
5. It has the growth of the third purpose without ending with a karmaic lesson.
6. It requires conscious choice to create and sustain.
7. It requires that both be vigilant to release addiction to pleasure, attachment to security, and blocks to growth.
8. Addiction to pleasure manifests when we put pressure on our partner to fulfill us.
9. Attachment to security manifests when we do not assert our truth for fear of losing the relationship.
10. Blocks to growth happen whenever we resist necessary change.
11. Not everyone has matured enough to enter the fourth purpose.
12. People can demonstrate their readiness by releasing any addictions, attachments, and blocks that they have.
13. It is not necessary to release all addictions, attachments, and blocks to be mature enough.
14. It is necessary to be totally willing to release all addictions, attachments, and blocks to be mature enough.
15. It is necessary to release any addiction, attachment, and block when it interferes with necessary change to be mature enough.
16. Necessary change happens at the place where we must grow to be in our truth.
17. Romantic relationships in the fourth purpose require nonresistance to change.
18. All addictions, attachments, and blocks resist change.
19. If people are unwilling to give up their addictions, attachments, and blocks, then they cannot enter the fourth purpose.
20. The first three purposes can happen automatically.
21. Biological attraction automatically stimulates pleasure.
22. The mating impulse automatically moves toward bonding.
23. Karmaic attractions automatically play themselves out until the lesson is done.
24. The fourth purpose can only happen within a mutual conscious commitment.
25. When this commitment is formed, then an energy bubble forms and unites the couple.
26. This energy bubble, which is the relationship, then has growth needs.
27. The first need is that each partner must be proactive in their own ascension process.
28. Each must be actively working on themselves on their own and not waiting for a loving partner to save them.
29. The second need is that each be consistent in thought and action to create trustworthy expectations.
30. Without this consistency, the relationship cannot generate the necessary trust and safety to grow properly.
31. The third need is that each share their feelings honestly and respond with feeling level honesty to each other.
32. Withholding relevant emotional truth, instantly makes the relationship stagnate and makes it fall into the second purpose.
33. Without present centered emotional communication, intimacy cannot develop and sexual experience falls into the first purpose.
34. Without emotionally responding to what the other person is sharing, blocks cannot be moved through and the relationship falls into the third purpose.
35. The fourth need is that each person can take care of himself or herself.
36. Each person needs to know that they can be happy on their own.
37. Without knowing you can take care of yourself, you will always attach to a rescuer and can only enter the second purpose.
38. If you cannot be happy on your own, then you will attach to sexual pleasure and can only enter the first purpose.
39. When there are addictions, attachments, and blocks, then the timing of loving unfoldment will be off.
40. Addictions push too far too fast.
41. Attachments hold back and resist change.
42. Blocks keep the process stuck in repetition.
43. The energy bubble is the home of romantic relationship.
44. Its outer manifestation is a stable and peaceful home in the material world.
45. This home is a peaceful pattern of daily interaction with each other with or without a literal material structure surrounding the couple.
46. Although relatively stable, the interaction changes in natural stages.
47. Although it is possible to have multiple fourth purpose relationships, it seems higher beings usually choose one partner who is deeply attuned them and compatible with them.
48. There is a point in the evolution of a fourth purpose relationship where it becomes eternal.
49. This happens when the relationship has moved past all addictions, attachments, and blocks, has experienced all the growth each relationship challenge has offered, and then with full consciousness and no unresolved shadow parts decides to be with the other person forever.
50. Humankind, not having fully illuminated their subconscious minds and not having worked through all possible unconscious resistances, cannot yet make this choice.
51. Humankind, however, can choose to try.
52. Fourth purpose relationships end when they become first, second, or third purpose relationships.
53. They usually end when some unconscious block is too well defended for the relationship to move through.
54. When moving through this block becomes necessary, then the relationship will end.
55. It is important to honor the need to end such relationships, because we will stagnate within them.
56. What keeps us from seeing the need to end such relationships is confusion, addiction, and attachment.
57. By releasing such relationships, each can find another person more suited to what they want.
58. Our own feelings will tell us when we are stagnating, if we can be honest with ourselves.
59. A fourth purpose relationship has love, joy, safety, and vitality in its feeling.
60. It needs those energies in order to heal the fears which arise from the unconscious to be healed.
61. When both of you have decided to enter into a fourth purpose relationship, then you must visualize each other as divine beings.
62. Visualize a heart ray of devotion going to and from each other.
63. Let this devotion purify both of you.
64. Let this devotion burn away all negative, limiting, and confused thoughts.
65. Attune to each other so that you feel never apart from each other.
66. Let the attunement mature into the feeling of oneness.
67. Communicate until you totally understand each other and agree with each other.
68. Let communication then become telepathic communion.
69. Have no secrets from each other.
70. Have no judgments on each other.
71. Hold no resentments toward each other.
72. Forgive each other totally.
73. Do not control each other, but give total freedom.
74. Demand nothing from each other.
75. Ask for what the relationship needs.
76. Let the other person be negative and work out their emotions.
77. Have boundaries which honor your individuality.
78. Risk losing the other person, rather than withhold your truth.
79. Do not restrict your freedom to keep your relationship.
80. Sacrifice only leads to resentment.
81. Rational mutual adjustment is part of attunement and does not give up something of real worth.
82. Align with your deepest truth about relationships.
83. Let the love your generate shine forth to others.
84. Bring your needs into the light of consciousness.
85. Ask for what you need, but never demand the other to fulfill you.
86. Perfect timing is between hurry and hesitation.
87. If you stay with the present moment, then it will unfold by itself.
88. Release the goal of orgasm as something to push towards and trust that deep joy will happen by itself.
89. Concentrate on breathing surrender to the loving space.
90. Surrender your body into the flow of love.
91. Let even daily life become part of this dance.
92. Take time to be in stillness with each other.
93. Let yourself have time apart from each other.
94. Let coming and going be a rhythm which enriches the relationship.
95. Feel the flow generated between your energies and go with the unfoldment.
96. Relax into the fullness of love.
97. See judgments as tensions and let them go.
98. Offer your wounds into the healing love.
99. Let all negativity, confusion, and limitation surface to be healed.
100. Not identifying with what surfaces, loving communion is a vehicle for ascension.

The best, like water,
Benefit all and do not compete.
They dwell in lowly spots that everyone else scorns.
Putting others before themselves,
They find themselves in the foremost place
And come very near the Tao.
In their dwelling, they love the earth;
In their heart, they love what is deep;
In personal relationships, they love kindness;
In their words, they love truth.
In the world, they love peace.
In personal affairs, they love what is right.
In action, they love choosing the right time.
It is because they do not compete with others
That they are beyond the reproach of the world.

The Tao

I marvel, at times, just to the fact of our presence in the body. What a unique little thing - it's so odd and beautiful. A time in which I was alone in the desert, I looked down at my odd little naked toes covered in yellow dust amidst all these little odd rocks on the Earth. "Here I am." I thought. "I made it to planet Earth and I'm in a body. Great!" And now that I am here, I surender these toes, this body, this life, this breath, to the one who breaths me.

All of my comps have titles, and some subtitles. It would all go on the disk; if you wanted a copy, a fine gift it would be.

This is part of a fresh list called Ubiquitous. Order is important.

Title - All Over ... Doing What We Want ... People on a Planet

1.) 28) Villea - 4:06 - Casino Versus Japan - Demos 2003 / 2004

2.) 1st of Tha Month - 5:49 - Bone Thugs-N-Harmony - The K&D Sessions (Disc 2)

3.) Untitled (by the artist) - 6:58 - Casino Versus Japan - Badaboom Gramaphone 5

4.) Dissolved Girl - 6:08 - massive attack - mezzanine

5.) Tears In Rain (fade) - 2:24 - Paul Okenfold (Ebtray remix) - 05

6.) Pulk/Pull Revolving Doors - 4:07 - Radiohead - Amnesiac

7.) In A Landscape - 2:57 - William Orbit - Pieces In A Modern Style

8.) Who Am I - 5:59 - Peace Orchestra - The Animatrix Soundtrack

9.) New Star in the Sky (Chanson Pour Solal) - 5:40 - Air - Moon Safari

10.) My Weakness - 3:35 - Moby - Chillout Ibiza (Disc 1)

11.) Triple Concerto - 5:32 - William Orbit - Pieces In A Modern Style

12.) Exit Music - 4:28 - Christopher O'riley - Plays Radio Head

13.) Anja (Mother Earth Mix) - 6:01 - Karsh Kale - Redesign

It hurts. Yes it does; just sitting and breathing and holding my head up. I can not resist it, though. I force myself. I obsess. I forever am at the mercy of this one inside me that will not allow rest. There’s the music also. It seems to be my electronic I.V.. I could just sit here at my computer without leaving for days if the music just keeps playing and I am given a little sandwich or some cereal from time to time, and of course the mochas.

Doodli doo do do do tat tat de do de dah

“Hello.”
“Heeyy.”
“Heeeyyyyee.”
“Hayyyyyeeee.”
I cracked open, spilling out a gush of maniacal laughter. “I’m so fried.”
“I know.”
“You do?!”
“Heh, yeah, I am too. I’m just really tired. I went out last night and danced with Fred at the Standing Stone. I didn’t get to bed until three, and then I had to get up and dance this morning at ten.”
“Oh, right, you had to.”
“Well, I couldn’t go tomorrow if I missed today.”
“Oh, it was the contact dance thing?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh, wow!”
“So, I think I should stay home tonight. I’ve been struggling with it for the past twenty minutes and I think I just need some more sleep.”
“O.k., yeah, no problem.”
“Yeah, sorry.”
I started to get that anxious feeling, like I was gently being electrocuted on all the muscles down my back and spine. I just wanted to fucking get off the phone. I struggled to not make it obvious. I saw what was happening and tried to prolong the moment to seem calm and offer an appropriate fare well. Finding the right moment, finally: “Well, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“I won’t be there.”
“Oh, o.k., well I guess I’ll see ya sometime.”
“Yeah, I’ll call you to see when we can spend some time together, I really would like to see you.”
“Alright, sounds good. I’ll see you soon then.”
“O.k., good night.”
“Good night.”

I don’t know where that comes from. When I want to get off the phone, I must do it immediately or I will somehow suffer from massive internal bodily damage. Like my neck will suddenly just snap.

I really am a kind man. That’s right, real kind. I love my mother – I call her and invite her over for lunch from time to time. I even went over to her house the other day to set up her new computer. I was calm and patient the entire time, I even was consciously pronouncing every single word as clearly and possible with my head facing toward her head so that she could hear everything that I was saying.
“I want to tell you that I really need you to try to speak slowly because my tinnitus is really bad today for some reason.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Is there some kind of treatment for tinnitus?”
“Well, there’s this nutrient that I was taking for a while, but it didn’t seem to do much at the time. The thing is that it comes and goes. I should start taking it again though.”
“Does Mary have tinnitus?”
“I think she did tell me that she has it, but I’m not sure how often or what it’s like for her. I know she has a hard time with a lot of noise. For me it’s certain sounds for a period of time, like a hood fan or small motor. Do you have it?”
“No!” In case you’re not absolutely clear on what tinnitus is, it’s extremely high-pitched sounds inside your head that don’t go away by shaking, massaging or smacking. I’ve had it after clubbing before and had to turn on the radio in order to distract me from it so I could sleep. If I had it from time to time, say a few days every week, three weeks of the month, I would probably look ten times worse than Van Gogh. In fact I would probably just do away with the head all together.
I considerably thought about my mom’s ringing in her head as we drove to her house, just imagining that it was happening right then, right next to me she was listening to this constant ringing sound insider her head. I almost was going to say something, some empathetic remark, but I realized there was nothing good of it. There’s nothing I could do to make it actually get better, and nothing she could do either. Not right then. She just had to deal with it. Sit there and persevere into the day acting like everything is great and offering a pleasant attitude to relate with.
“Do you have all of the files off of your computer that you need to save?”
“Well, I have these floppys that have some of my pictures and the files from Sharon.” She, held a wooden box with a collection of black 3M floppies in it and stared into them. I put my hand on her shoulder.
“Do you have all of the files off of your computer that you need to save?”
“Yes.”
I kept working on her computer until I felt anxious again. It was a different kind of anxious though. I couldn’t read or answer questions at a certain point. I would get to the end of reading a sentence or hear my mom’s voice and then I would just gap out, my program would freeze. Then I would push the reset button and try again. I would sit back, roll my head and take a breath, digging deeper to bring up a little more bubblin’ crude, looking back at those contrived question forms on the “Easy Set-Up” for the Microsoft OS.
“Do you know the number for your server that your computer dials to connect to the internet.”
“Well, here’s the invoice.”
I scanned the thin page and stared into a 1-800 number until I was looking through the page at the dirt below the building. “This isn’t it, there’s a number your computer dials to hook up to the internet.”
“I have no clue. We could call them.”
I leaned back again and tried to decipher another “Easy Set-Up” question.
“You don’t have to do this. You look like you’re pretty through with trying to work on this. I can work on it later.”
Yes. Oh, yes, permission to relieve. If someone else doesn’t do it I’ll just keep digging until the resources gained fall short of the resources absorbed from digging. “Why don’t you just take me to Medford?” I asked kindly. She gave me a brief glare.
“Well, um…”
“Well you were saying I could take the car but…” the rest is that I would take the car, come back, pick her up and go to my apartment to drop me off so she could take her car and go home.
“O.k., sure, I’m up for anything.”
I can’t deal with a lot of driving around in the heat of the day on the highway and in traffic. I start to speak out of turn, or someone else speaks from inside me all together. I say rude things, make bad decisions and react easily to things I imagine are worth being pissed off about or something worth defending, which there isn’t. Anything that is really worth anything, that has any real meaning or value, needs no defense. A defense would be a vain delusional act. If you’re thinking you’re defending some truth, then why doesn’t the truth you’re defending have the ware with all to take responsibility for it’s own situation, or is it?
“I need to stop by the bank to give you your birthday money.”
“Oh, alright.” I said as though I were kindly giving her permission.
We pulled up to the drive through, backed up and pulled through again to get as close as humanly possible.
“I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to reach that.”
She opened her door and shoved herself closer to the key pad. Those “Insert Card and Remove Quickly” things are so dumb. Why should you have to do that? We can build a magg-lev high speed train but we don’t have ATM machines that scan your card for you using simple robotics?
She struggled with it several times. She moved the rest of her body back into the car and contemplated the various crispy bills in her hands, nestled upon her purse, mumbling.
“O.k., here ya go.” She handed me five twenties.
“Oh, you’re giving me little more.”
“Yes, I am, I decided to give you a little more.”
I felt some shade of shame. This didn’t affect my since of worth at all, though. Nope, not a bit. It didn’t make me question my standing in life, my ability to provide for myself, my self-sufficiency, not at all. I didn’t at all wonder, “Why am I twenty-seven and practically trembling with a sinking feeling in my gut when my mom hands me a hundred bucks, nervous for sake of decency yet simultaneously voracious with googling eyes and a little tremble to my voice, ‘Oh, o.k.’ What a fucking pansy.” Nope I didn’t think those things at all.
“You’re probably worried about me, aren’t you?”
“No, I’m not worried about you, but I’ll tell you what I am worried about. I’m worried that you’re struggling with money yet you decided to buy that mouse. I’m worried, but I know that I just have to trust you. But, I’m not saying this because I want you to explain or justify your self.”
I started explaining and justifying myself.
“Yeah I understand,” she assured, “I’m well aware of that experience. It’s that kind of thing that made me divorce your father.”

* * *

Later that night, I went to work typing on my computer. I had a sandwich with almond butter, my own home-made peach preserves and honey. Ten minutes later I was farting toxic fumes, 2-3 toots every five minutes, usually in some kind of syncopated rhythmic pattern. This went on all night. I felt bad for my chair so I folded up a towel to sit on, hoping it would absorb some of the residual toxic basin forming under my ass.

* * *

Waking up, there’s a rather good friend of mine sleeping next to me and another one the floor, long feet sticking out from under my tiger blanket – a childhood relic. I walked into the kitchen for some cereal and saw an abandoned port glass filled to the brim with tequila. Poor guy, never more. That changes things a little.
The orange headed friend from bed joined me here.
“Ooh, you know what I like in my cereal?” I was deep in the hung over morning silly.
“Me eating it?” Ally, of course, doesn’t come up for air much. She lives in the depths.
From the cupboard I revealed a very small jar of fennel acquired from the farmer’s market and sprinkled it into the buckwheat flakes and soy milk. “I like fennel, it’s sweetness.”
We lingered in our little asinine climate for a while, throwing q-tips and tapping away at our laptops, sending music shares through the air to one another, Stick and Ally effectively evolving my collection. A fine thing, yes, quite certainly, to have these fine burner specimens adding a bit of the craze to my chamber atop the tower.
We finally made off for breakfast. I slipped Stick’s huge, orange glasses over my specs – charging everything.
“Do you feel like it gives you an emotional boost? When I take them off I just feel a bit of a sag.” He made the downward pitch bending sound and handed me the controls. “Here, be DJ.”
“What?”
“Be DJ.”
“Wha, huh?”
“DJ, you can be DJ”
“Oh, okay. Well. yeah. I had these yellow clip-ons when I was on the road for a month in California and it made everything kind of harsh, but that was it for me. It was all harsh and alive; reveling in the great burn of driving it all west and south and crashing into the Pacific.”
“I get it more from blue.” Ally put on her even huger blue eye ware with plastic, sliver rims.
“Hmm, that’s really odd.” Stick humphed. Both of us once again perplexed by Ally’s ever expected ironies.
“You know, there are a lot of really hot girls in this town.” I informed them, continuing to euphemize my hometown, wanting them both to just stay. Don’t go! Don’t leave me!
“Where?” Ally chirped.
“Well, around the collage, and downtown, lots of good scenery downtown. Actually right there, did you see that girl on the bike.” She looked kind of like PJ Harvey, cool and all with the black shades and jacket on an old bike, looking at me like she was even about to say something. I looked, alerted Ally and then gave another strong stare back. I love looking at people. I always will.
“Yeah, I saw that.” Said Stick.
“Hmph, nope, I missed that one.”
We strolled into the quaint diner and enjoyed saying hi to Carl, our old friend. It was his first day working at this café, so we made a special effort to come and see him. We then found a table out in the sunroom sticking out a bit from the standard elderly, straight crowd.
Stick was starring through the wall. Ally inquired.
“Need coffee.” was all he could convey, along with the spill of giggles which came from all.
The waitress was giving some great eyes and had a lot of neat jewelry on, though confined in the homogenized work ware.
“The waitress, she’s got it for ya.” Stick gestured to Ally. I didn’t really even here what he had said and had to ask him to repeat it.
“Well, then I’d say I’ve got if for her too.” Ally slapped down the laminated menu and wiped the palms of her hands together. “That’s that. I guess I need to make up for lost time not being a lesbian.” She gave a fairly straight look at Stick, potentizing the oddity of her bearing.
Stick and I both got the coconut waffle with a side of two over-easy and Ally got the tofu scramble. We had our usual round of conversing, talking about them moving, me living in Ashland, and the intermittent essential nonsense. Then there was some good wisdom from Stick.
“I got tired of trying to stay in or get out of the pain from my mother dying of cancer. You know, just feel whatever you are and don’t worry that your feeling it or what you should be feeling.”
“Good one.” It was a good reminder for me. I struggle so much from time to time with all this stress, and then I get stressed about feeling stressed – like I shouldn’t feel that way.

...more to come
...maybe, eventually.