Life, Love, and other Rantings

boat faring sea time

KaleynBeast — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 05:52:13 GMT

Hello Ladies and Gouhls and Everybody else that may possibly read this. I am currently out in the Ocean (exact cooridinates are classified). While I cannot access my normal e-mail or myspace or any other social networking internet sites, somehow I can get to tribe.net. Thank you whichever deity of technology that was looking over me, inspire me with your name and I will write lyrical poems miles long in your praise. I may be posting blogs, poems, dreams, random thoughts, depending how the waves strike me at the time. I can read your messages and blogs I just for whatever reason cannot go to my tribes... like the one that I moderate. Oh well. More on my adventures later. Brightest Blessings Caelin

Yule

KaleynBeast — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 06:29:22 GMT

On this the longest of nights and the shortest of days we come together in one voice and one mind with one heart to raise energy to bring forth the Sun in a triumph over darkness. The harshest of winter still has yet to come but with the battle between the Kings of Oak and Holly with the rebirth of the Holly King we come to Celebrate the evergreen. There is a light in the forest that cannot be destroyed and there is a darkness that would try. The cycle of rebirth begins anew and shall be moving forward yet again. This year as the night rides at it's peak so does the brightest of the winter's moons. This series of events shall give me hope that even in the darkest of knights does the light of the Goddess shine through and illuminate the hearts of man and mortal alike. I know that many people upon this realm have moved backward in their religious evolution but I can only pray that the Goddess Moon will reveal herself to them within time. A wise man once said that polytheism is really just many parallel monotheisms, that is how I can believe and be devoted to both the Goddess of the elves and the God of man, and how I can remember all the deities that have walked in my footsteps before me and those that will worship me when all that remains is a legend about a boy who believed. Brightest Blessings to All and to All a Good Night.

...

KaleynBeast — Sun, 10 Jun 2007 09:15:00 GMT

As I walk through the shadows of chaos my soul becomes tattered and worn down with time, it is only by the will of the gods that I survive and I am given the strength to carry on pushing forth through the chaos. One day I will find the light that releases me from this torture. On that day the love of the goddess will lift me up and set me free and I will fly with the Fairies once again.

Trancendence

KaleynBeast — Thu, 05 Apr 2007 03:47:22 GMT

I have been feeling a strange sensation I have not felt for a while. It started the other afternoon when I went to the 3rd eye and was talking to collete the shop keeper. She was telling me about how she was wanting to learn the Goddess Oracle deck and she was thumbing through the cards and I was listing off the goddesses within, what culture they were from, and who they were. I grasped hold of a peace of enlightenment I have not felt in a long while. I told her I could feel myself being quasi-enlightened but I shall not ascend, not yet, I am here to help others to ascend and reach the level of enlightenment that I am at. She looked up at me and told me she could see it in me. I feel so good for the first time in a long time. My witch marks have re-apeared, but it does not bother me as much. I can feel my chakras the seven along my spine and the two on my palms. It makes me think about how the bhodisatvas have eyes on their palms, because that is how it feels, it feels like my third eye but as if with my hands I could heal and channel energy and maybe even show others the way. I had felt the chakras on my palms before but never like this. I feel so alive, and beautiful, and smart, and kind, and I can see everybody's good side no matter how much they hide it. My skin looks like gold to me, I feel like I could fly, like I would just need to will myself to defy gravity and I shall.

To thine own self be true

KaleynBeast — Thu, 05 Apr 2007 03:46:12 GMT

Notice: I have felt that for some time that my life has been shrouded in a certain amount of mystery and for whatever rumors and lies that I just forgot to silence. I think it is about time that I reveal the truth of things from my perspective. I am going to start at the beginning that which I remember moving through the significant points that I feel to touch on and eventually stop once I reach the end of my tale, that which is my life from my perspective. I would assume that this could get quite long, and for those that don't really want to know my life and only want to know my secrets I say piss off. You cannot know the truth without knowing where the stories behind the mysteries came from. To thine own self be true By Christopher Joseph Peter Caelin Mahoney (aka Kalean) California I would have to say my story began as a result of the media. After watching the Disney film Sleeping Beauty I was absolutely sure of what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to become a witch, I did not just want to be one for Halloween I wanted to be a witch. There was a period there that somebody tried to tell me to become a warlock, but this was wrong that was not what I wanted. So I rejected that Idea. I remember trying to create a potion to poison an apple so that I could kill my younger sister as described in Disney's Snow White. As I continued through my life despite how much my parents would suppress such ideas I would continue to express an interest in magic and the occult. On a similar branch I was watching Madonna's Vogue on MTV and instantly fell in love with this new Goddess that I witnessed. This would come in play later in my life. I remember that in kinder garden and 1st grade, the two grades that I spent in California, telling the few friends that I had about the memories I had of from before my life; most specifically of dying in the war as a combat medic. I have brief memories of being at a sleep over at a friend's house and being able to sense things that I could not see physically. I think that this might have freaked out my friends, and to cover that up might have lied saying they could feel it too. I know that being in a military family had an impact on the way I grew up. There would be such occasions in which my father would be gone for long periods of time. We would receive videos from him at his base overseas but it was not the same. I remember thinking why couldn't daddy be here. At the same time when he was there my mother and him where always fighting. In the times in which my parents were fighting I would try to sleep through it and pretend I would wake up and it was just a dream, but the dreams that I did experience while I was asleep were violent and caused massive headaches. I believe that this might have done more psychological damage than I was previously able to admit. When I was young, I don't know exactly when it began but I started what I liked to call "my magic" and the only reason I still use that term is because I don't know really what to have called it. I would act out these visions that would come to me of daring adventures and heroism and magic. Most of the characters that I witnessed within these visions were female but there was the occasional male. To anybody that did not have my sight of what I was seeing when they passed me would see and hear a complex series of random arm movements and sound effects followed by the random voice of the character I was in. It was in these episodes that most of my visions would occur, and as often happened these visions came to play in the future events of the following days. New Orleans I would have to undergo the hardest thing at that moment, the move. I somehow did not understand that there was no returning to California, that I would never see my friends again. For some time when we first moved to here I was sure it was just a vacation, Forest Gump had not come out at this time and that I would be returning to my school my home, and my friends. This never happened. We settled in a town just north of New Orleans across the lake I cannot name with the bridges that were just too long. When we finally found a house suitable for us all, I would have met two interesting boys who I know left an imprint on me. The first was the youngest son of a family of the name of Hall and the second was lad named Ryan. The three of us were off always doing boy things; if it was not tramping through the woods; it was shooting arrows or playing war. We were even all in the cub scouts together. Ryan and I would role-play when it was just the two of us. We would build a fort out of pillows climb inside and pretend to have sex. Neither of us really knew what sex was but we would take turns being the man or woman. I remember now that one time my brother caught us as asked me if I was go, I had no idea what this meant at the time. While we were living in New Orleans I remember fondly on several occasions I would put on my mother's blonde wig and dress up in women's clothing, most likely my sister's clothes, in an attempt to be like Madonna. While living here for the two years that I did I was diagnosed with epilepsy. I was given a small pink pill that would "cure" this. I remember the pill made my sight very hazy and I would often become dissociated with what was happening around me. I took the side effects because they were not as bad as the migraines. Florida Once again we were forced to move, but this time it took me away from my friends on my birthday. It was 1992, that would have made me nine on that day. The only thing I remember about that particular day, other than the move, was the fact that I received a free meal at Denny's in Pensacola. When they said I could have whatever I wanted, my mother expected me to order the whole menu. Apparently my parents knew this would be the last move we would do before my father retired from the Corps. Because of this, my parents having the choice between Hawaii and Panama City chose the latter because NAS Pensacola was where the two had met. In mid august I started the 4th grade at the closest school to where the house was being built. I was so confused of what I needed to be doing, but somehow I figured it out. I started a friendship that day that lasted well until we took separate schools for high school; a young Islamic boy, the son of a doctor who happened to live just a few houses down from the future site of my new home. Some time in the following weeks I had a really strange dream that I made note of, the dream involved a great storm that would hit the panhandle of Florida and cause great destruction. By the end of the dream the storm had caused a new friend to arrive. A few days later there was a storm that went down in history because of how much damage it caused to Miami and the surrounding area, this was Hurricane Andrew. Shortly after I remember being worried because the storm then headed for my old home of New Orleans a new family moved into the apartment just next to mine; a young boy named John with his mother, and his stepfather who was in the military. John was about my age and we quickly became friends, I know that we were still innocent but the activities that we partook in after the lights went down were too mature. I knew this, but as we fondled each other I did not care because this was strangely arousing. Otherwise we would teach each other different stuff about the way we were raised, he taught me to meditate and about how interesting the dinosaurs were. My house was finally finished and we moved in on Halloween, my favorite holiday. Eventually John's mother got pregnant and they moved to a different part of town. I would go to his house and he would come to mine. I remember telling him about this creature he was afraid of by his house. Through meditating I was able to hone in on this creature and insure that it was just a small creature that was more afraid him than he of it. Eventually John's stepfather got stationed far away and he moved with him, I never saw him again. I remember somewhere in Jr. High I discovered porn, the magazine my brother sold me which he would later blackmailed me over had the images of both men and women. I did not really notice right away though that I was more aroused by the men displayed than I was by the women. It was about that time that I discovered internet, and like most men with a beating heart I used that to procure porn, male porn. I don't think I really knew what it meant to be turned on by these images, but I was addicted. High School Some of my friends from the previous years had followed me to Mosley High School; some went to other schools, by this time I was used to it. The talent show was put on mid-autumn and band that was formed out of my brother's friends played. Part of their gig they had me and four other males from the swim team dress in drag and act like the spice girls (well our legs were already shaved) I liked this experience. About half way through my freshman year the swimming season was over and I was left with time to actually socialize. I had met several people whom all smoked, I was sure I did not want it, but at the same time I was curious. I was finding that most of my new friends were into this "Wicca." I was supposed to be a devout catholic, but it was not that my faith faltered, it was just that according to my priest these dreams I kept having that came true were wrong and I should reject them. These wiccans claimed that my "visions" were something I should embrace for they are a gift. I don't remember if I told anybody my freshman year about these visions, I just remember questioning the oldest who was a senior. I don't remember how it happened but I came across a young Gemini my age by the name of Matthew Hall, I thought this was awesome because my older brother was a Gemini named Matthew. My story about Matthew started with a game of truth or dare one night. We did not do much that night, but it was right before the start of summer. That summer we would both go to work at Boy Scout camps, he at Spanish Trail where I had spent many years before, and I at Alaflo where my father was the head of the camp for that season. I just remember being so turned on by all the boys in those short shorts. When school restarted I engaged Matthew knowing that he would not reject. For the next 3 years Matt and I would meet for sexual encounters of the close kind. My only regret about that relationship was that there was no emotional attachment, so I felt like I was being used. It was my sophomore year I decided that I would study Wicca and learn more about magic and the occult like I had been interested in my entire life. Having started smoking while working at the camp I was able to carry on a more natural conversation with many of the people over at the tree, not having to gag for fresh air. I learned so much, but decided that I would just set on learning more. I knew deep in my heart that I would rather want the firm set of believes, possibly to this kind and beautiful goddess, than have any magic. Strange to think I ended up with both, thanks to my beautiful goddess. I took driver's education as was required by all sophomores but I was so afraid because of diagnose of being epilepsy years before. I had only recently stopped taking the medication and I thought I might have a relapse. Somewhere along the way I made up a name for this female form that I felt like, Miranda, she was the name of Prospero's daughter from Shakespeare's the Tempest. But it would seem that like all rumors and stories of fancy, the simple story I created for Miranda took a life of its own. It also came to be that somehow I became Poseidon, or that was the rumor. I do remember calling for it to rain, and it would, this was strange to me. I know that my friends would claim to see me doing things I did not remember. It was around this time that I came into knowing that I had a problem and so searched within to fix this possible extra personality. I managed to lock them up, in which I think was not the correct solution; I should have dealt with my psychological need for them. I had reoccurring dreams about being a vampire, after one such of these dreams one of my best friends disappeared. I knew her since my freshman year. This all of a sudden disappearance of her near the end of my junior year was depressing so I quit smoking. My depression lasted into most of my senior year. I was on the pep-squad just because it was a senior only thing. I was struggling with coming out, I wanted to but I was just so terrified. My friend Ryan sat behind me in English and I was able to talk to him about things dealing with the occult but I felt different still. It was not till Halloween when I finally decided to come out of the closet. I wanted to tell the world I was gay. I don't remember why but I know that on January 31, 2001 my depression had come to its peak. I decided I could not take the pain of these emotions I could not control and so I took my Boy Scout knife to my wrist in hopes to open my veins. The knife would not even cut my flesh and at my failure to even do that I fell over crying myself to sleep. Just before Easter my father's stepmother, the woman I knew as Grandmother Mahoney had a massive stroke. The following Monday she passed away, the funeral was in Mississippi that weekend, the very weekend I was scheduled to go to Disney World with my entire senior class. I had already paid for the trip and could not get a refund, so despite my wanting to do otherwise I spent my entire weekend with Rindi Williams, the only friend of mine that knew something was wrong the day after I tried to kill my self. She basically put me on suicide watch and prevented me from trying again. I remember the most listening to Hanging by A Moment by Lifehouse for it was played every 4th or 5th song over the entire park. I received my first deck of tarot cards that weekend, the Medieval Tarot. I don't really remember the grad party after graduation because I decided I would celebrate with a huge join with my brother. But I remember winning a camera and the steak was just awesome, and I sang Karaoke "Sweet Dreams". College The next day I started working at The Black Angus, a steak house in which I discovered the "joys" of hard drugs. At the end of the summer I went to a reduced schedule so that I could focus on my studies. I started college not really sure at what I wanted to do. I remember starting a journal as request of the young woman who was mentoring me in my magical studies. I would write down my dreams my visions my hopes and fears, if anything this caused my visions to come at a greater pace. I met a young woman in the night club behind the Black Angus. This woman was Heather, she had not only remembered me from high school but apparently she remembered me from the distant past, my past lives. It was she who first told me that I was an elf-thing. That there were some other bloodlines mixed in, but that was stuff I had to figure out for myself she told me. Not now she meant, I was not ready for that task. I was not really interested in learning spells; I wanted to know the answers behind who I was. I think that she wanted to start of simple with the directing of energy (spells) and then work on the harder things that required more mental concentration. Well I guess I learned how to fly before I could run. Early September of my first semester I had a strange vision about a dark man flying great dragons into the two tallest towers of a great city, the towers fell taking the surrounding cityscape with them. I had just finished writing this in my journal and come back into my living room in which I watched the events of 9/11 on the news live. I was convinced that somebody was playing a joke, this could not be true. I still don't believe that happened to me, how I could see this before it happened? After I told Heather of this she thought it was extremely interesting and so introduced me to some of her other friends, I had already met her "sisters" but it was time to meet "the prince", "the darkness" and "the first one." The first was Prince Rubius, of the "High Elves" or as his mortal name was Ruben (I spit on him now). The second was Lord Shilvet, of the "dragonkin" or as his mortal name was Stan (I hate him even more). And the third the first man, whom has had many named throughout history but his name currently is Richard (I have no reason to hate this one). Each one of these three taught me something new about myself. It was about this time that I started having dreams about this woman, a goddess as I would see her. One time I saw the dream while I was awake so real that I could sketch her face and I did. I kept seeing her in my dreams and eventually I saw her and I doing some complex elvish rituals which seemed to be joining me to this strange elvish goddess. That was on the night of the full moon of September, I don't remember the exact date. As I would ask the prince about these dreams he told me that this woman was Azuren the queen goddess of the druidic elves of the night watch. The prince would continue to tell me that the ritual that I described was that of the great marriage. In the following weeks I would feel a form of personal transformation, I was changing. For the first time I noticed that my oddly shaped ears seemed to have funny points on the end, my senses became sharper and my visions became more intense. It was here that I received the name "Kalean" which is elvish for "young prince", which I would later respell for the Irish counterpart "Caelin" for "brave warrior". It was shortly after this series of events that I met a young woman named Frankie whom changed the way I viewed my life. Because of Frankie I started hanging out at the Java in downtown Panama City. I had gone to this "Goth night" before but I had not been since Daina disappeared. I attended the Java regularly every Thursday night until I would move away from Panama City. The people there were indescribable. Because of my friendship with Frankie I would eventually learn of something called "Black Madness." A strange formation of the dissociated identity disorder caused by awakening into the knowledge of one's past lives. One of Frankie's identities was a small fairy girl who exclaimed upon meeting me that she could smell the blood of Poseidon on me. It was here when Miranda would resurface and once again I would start loosing time. When I told my mentor Heather about this she told me that her on and off boyfriend Ricky had the similar things, and so I was introduced. I probably already knew him because he too attended the Java on a regular basis. Through my time with these three great minds; Heather, Ricky, and Frankie; I would learn to control my mind, the weather, and learned to talk to animals. Somehow I met a man who would try to manipulate me into sleeping with a young girl I knew as Serenity, I lost most of that night due to the involvement of my paranoia and his use of alcohol and magic. I would later find out the young girl's given name was Jennifer Saunders. When the veil would lift from my eyes I saw her true form, she was not the beautiful skinny young woman I knew, but a fat ugly whore. I puked when I thought about the fact that I might have slept with this creature. I got over this and decided we should be friends; she introduced me into the Bay Area Pagan Society. I met many great and wonderful people at BAPS, we laughed, we sung, and danced and the raised so much energy at the rituals. I felt alive. I remember one night the next fall just before the semester started that I was at the Java and I was drafted by my friend Tyler to help him out at the haunted house nearby. A strange old man Tyler was with claimed we needed four people so I grabbed Christo for help. We tried to seal the evil of the house but we were balked by a young looking child spirit with great power. I remember before I collapsed that I was seeing visions of Quel'Thalas, the home of the high elves. That was when I met Amanda. Tyler apparently saw that we needed more help grabbed her from the nearby park and she was the first sight I saw when I reopened my eyes. Tyler and Amanda and assorted friends I would then be introduced to, all happened to go to my college. Between conversations we had in school or at the Java and our just foolings around with energy, I learned how to manipulate energy and eventually to actually see the intangible objects I was manifesting. As my lost time had still continued I decided to create a being of pure light to aid me in battling the dark monsters of my mind. In the end I took the light half of me and the dark half of me and fused the two. The resulting image I had of myself was my true form, a rainbow haired fairy boy with translucent feathered wings. During spring break I tried to dye my hair red with Rindi and her brother John, he was so cute but so young. Later on in the week the colors ran and the result was this prismatic rainbow of hair and colors. Some time after spring break there was a strange disturbance that I knew I could feel and The Prince and the Dark one claimed it was nothing. When I was alone with Stan he claimed it was result of the prince, that he had done bad things, really bad things. So foolishly I signed myself up to "fix" the problem. On one clever Thursday before we ended up at the Java; Stan, his girlfriend Jessica, Jake and I gathered together to make things right. The resulting ritual was powerful, and so immense that my whole body tingled with the energy of the cosmos afterward. Somehow that night I met and started dating this woman, despite telling her I was gay. The relationship was good, but we never actually had sex despite our willingness and the fact that we had fooled around a bit. By this point I had cut contacts with both Stan and Ruben. In late June my mother was not feeling well and went to the hospital, I don't remember all of the details but I remember finding out from her friend that went with her that she had undergone emergency surgery. There was a very real possibility that I could have lost my mother that night. I remember going out back and smoking three or four cigarettes in a row and with quickness, I could not stop myself from crying. Moments later I received a call from Rindi saying that unexpected rain had canceled her plans; I asked her if she could join me at my place. With my mother recuperating and I being the only male around the house I had to help take care of her as well as having stress from my relationship and stress from work. In late July just before my birthday we had a really busy day at work and I remember complaining about my hands feeling funny and asking if I could take a break. I don't recall making it to the doors of the mall and the rest of the night was fuzzy. I must have had a seizure or panic attack or something like that. Shortly after I found out Alecia was sleeping with Ricky, I ended up passing Alecia off to my friend Ricky. I met a young woman I eventually found out her name was Franky, but from that night on she haunted my dreams. Through my years in college I found myself dabbling with the spells described in the fictional book the Necronomicon. I was intent on learning the way that different cultures worked their magic and manipulated politics. I studied many things, but it seems that nothing I studied was really deep just a general summery of the great empires that were these cultures. >I did learn through my studies that magic works by starting with a small change, affecting a small group that eventually spreads out and effects the populous. Like was once said on Futurama, "When you do something right, nobody will be sure you have done anything at all". My last semester I spent in college I commissioned Amanda to draw my symbol that I had seen in my dreams and visions for a few years at that point, I knew she had seen it when working with me so I figured she could draw it better than I was able to. The Real World By the end of my last semester I spent in college I had moved out of my mother's apartment and forgot about my exams. I spent nearly two months living with a bi-polar parasite named Stardust. I started keeping a journal again and wrote many thoughts and poems, a little red book that I have still and is almost full. While I was living with Stardust we experimented with different herbs and different recipes in which we would combine them. One thing I am sure of is that the Hallucinations that were induced were strange and powerful and I quickly became addicted to Stardust's enthusiasm to create an elvish sanctuary. Eventually I found out about the same time that she was just a lord of the rings fanatic and when things got bad she did not put her faith in the light but instead mocked it and fate came back to her. I moved in with my best friend Rindi and her boyfriend Christo, Ricky and Alecia were living there as well. The times were rough but we all managed to make it out alive. On Midsummer I had gone out for the day, which was not normal for me because I was working nights. While I was out I ran into one of my best friends Nathan, he was going to the rainbow gathering and said that I should join him. I dropped everything and joined him. On the way to the gathering I realized that I had dreamed this very thing happening earlier. The Goddess had answered my epiphany for a vision quest. Once we got to California and then to the gathering I felt like I had died and this was my dream coming true. Before I left for the gathering I had no idea what to expect, and once I got there I found out it was something I had been dreaming for many years. On the third day I volunteered at main circle to help feed everybody, what an experience. Shortly after the Om it started to rain and the people in main circle started to disperse. Being in control of their dinner I was not going to leave the giant meadow until I was sure everybody had gotten what they wanted from the food. On our way out of the meadow lightning struck one of the mountain tops. I had a heightened sense of awareness from all the positive and pure energy and when the lightning lit up the valley in which the gathering was taking place I felt the energy of the bolt flow through me and then myself flow through the entire valley. I met so many beautiful people, I had so much fun, and I did so many recreational drugs that I forgot most of the details. I returned home to Panama City on the Nineteenth which was special because it was the Egyptian festival of the Opet. Christo, Rindi and I made a feast that night to rejoice in the wedding of Isis and Osirus, and to thank them that I had made my way home safely. Rindi was pregnant with her first child the boy I know as my nephew Nico. Because of the fact that they would need more room I started searching for a new place to live. On my 21st birthday I would find myself at the Fiesta the gay bar downtown. While I was there I was watching the act and saw a firry drag queen named Reba-Ray who inspired me to do something great. In the time that I was searching I felt proud of how much money I saved and I bought myself a dress and a pair of silicone from Wal-mart, you really can get everything there. A stripper I was working with at McDonalds helped me transform myself from plain old me into a beautiful woman, she taught me how to put on my make up and even how to style my hair. I felt so ravishing; for once my outside matched the inside that I knew. I found a place to live with a woman named Anna and her husband Chris; they were both pagan but were not really active. They did not really care about my lifestyle, and Anna thought it was cool. Between my books and their books we had a formidable library of pagan knowledge, and we transformed their back bedroom into a nice altar room and all together sacred space. I gave the talisman that I wore for many years to Anna as for I no longer needed it. In the dead of winter, the three days of it we had, I had a vision in my meditation of darkness that would come. I was given the task of creating a coven, more like a social tree of people I could call in case I needed them. One of the people I chose for this adventure was another gay-pagan named Joel. I had chosen several others, including Tyler and Amanda; it was then that Amanda returned my book with the finished picture of the symbol exactly as I had seen it in my dreams. On a certain Thursday I created some special cookies and some tea laced with a lust potion I brewed, I dedicated both of these dishes in honor of the Goddess and took it all down to the Java where I enticed several people to come back to my place where I had just enough of the cookies and other aphrodisiacs to induce a frenzy of lust. This party lasted a week. In the following months I was working on building the social ties between Joel and I, as well as hosting a few crocheting parties (no alcohol). On 4/20 I went down to the Java in a rainbow hat I had made and re-met Franky, the two of us got to talking at in front of the Fiesta where we realized we had so much in common. Somewhere along the line despite my lovers and hers (she is a lesbian) the two of us fell in love. It was about this time that I had talked to the head drag queen down at the Fiesta and convinced her to let me start performing Wednesdays. Everybody that was important at that junction in my life was there to watch me. I only did this long enough to earn enough money so that I could get out of Panama City and Florida; I wanted it to be for good. Franky and I would make plans to ride off together and end up in the gathering. Joel and I were supposed to run away to the gathering. Many of my friends made such promices. The New Chapter Despite my wishes all of my friends whom claimed they would join me on my voyage to the rainbow gathering failed. I traveled alone, which was one of the hardest things for me to do. I had very little cash in my pockets; I had no money in the banks and no plan for afterward. I put my faith in the light and in the Goddess and carried on each step of the way knowing that somehow I would make it. When I left the bus station with my mother, Joel, and his husband looking on, I was sure I was not going to return. Like a turtle I carried everything I owned into the land beyond the horizon where I finally made it to West of Jah and the Rainbow Gathering; the magical place I would call home for nearly a month. At the gathering I learned the joys of the drum circles, and the importance to remember the truth in all things. I settled in my father's house in Texas just in time for my next birthday. I was only happy on that day because I was with my father, grandfather, and Teena (an old family friend). I would search for a job in the local market of Denton, Texas but the effort was futile. A few weeks later my father would leave me in the house and head to Florida to return my brother's things to him and bring mine to me. During the week he spent away I made up my mind of what I was going to do with my life. I was going to join the Navy. For a long time I had thought against it, knowing that I could not be myself, a gay male, in the Navy. Events of the recent weeks proved to me that I could be aroused by females; nothing sexual, just like noticing them and checking them out for a change. I thought that this be the perfect chance to follow my dream of becoming a sailor. I just want to make it clear right here, I did not join the navy because I was gay, I actually joined because I thought I might not be. For several months I waited to go to boot camp so that I could have my particular job, during that time I realized my lost love for gaming. I still honored the Goddess every chance I got and I did not forget to work out, but games were my life. I am sure that I had several friends that thought I would never make it, even the doctor at MEPS said I should not be able to. After boot camp I realized that I had to create a cover-up and so while in AT A school I created a story of a wife I had that died. The truth being that the only wife that I took in this life never had a body to die. Some months ago I found myself in an art museum looking at the exhibit of a female pharaoh Hepsetut; she looked exactly how I see my beloved Azuren. I believe the only difference is that one is carved in granite and the other is formed from mists. Life is hard; it is not easy to overcome the obstacles that each day brings me. I just hold in my heart the reason why I did this, in defense of the ones that I love. I found a nice tropical paradise that I think would be nice to visit some day, but I would not want to settle down until I have gazed my eyes upon the land of my birth once again. Italy is a mystical land and it calls back to me still. When I get married I think it would be a wonderful place to take our honeymoon. As I finish the story of my life as it is so far I realize that I know and love myself even more, but I am still confused of where I am going and what tomorrow will bring.

Io Sono Amata

KaleynBeast — Mon, 04 Dec 2006 22:37:09 GMT

Io Sono Amata So this past weekend I went to Panama City which very well may be my last time to do so, if I could change that I think I will. I got really drunk down at the fiesta and then yesturday on my way back to Pensacola I had a revelation... I love myself. I love my body, skinny and frail it is. I love my friends, they come in all shapes, sizes, colors and creeds. I love my job, I have worked hard to get where I am. I love my family, for they are one of nature's masterpieces(probly a pacaso) I love that I think, act, and dream differently than everybody I have ever met, for I am myself, and if they don't like it they can just go to hell. I have learned something great here, I am not sure what it means but I feel this warmth inside and it tells me that no matter what happens or what has happened(because I have done some stupid things) that it will be alright now, because I cannot expect other people to love me if I don't love myself. I have travelled the world and I have crossed the 7 seas, I have burned my bridges, and I have built elaborate palaces. I have created delicate webs of lies and I have torn down their reality with the words of truth. I worship dark gods and I bathe in the sun, I burn my offerings and I stab my food. And here before the gods of the internet and the mortals of men I left myself up and become more than that I have ever been because now that I love myself I have granted every wish I have ever had. So I ask of my readers to take a long way home, hold your lover tight, enjoy your life each time it gives you the chance and when you look into your heart mirror see yourself exactly as you are. For you cannot truely love if you don't love yourself. Brightest Blessings Christopher

Beam Me Up Scotty

KaleynBeast — Mon, 06 Nov 2006 18:38:19 GMT

Well as fate would have it, I am going to be going to the Enterprise... CVN-65. What that means is that it is the 65th Carrier, also it is the oldest Nuclear Carrier and the most likely to be recycled into a starship(j/k). I wil be stationed out of Norfolk, VA which is not exactly where I wanted to go but it is on the East coast so I cannot complain. This will be good for me, I don't know exactly what I will be working on but I do know that it will at least deal with Airplanes. I am a little Nervous and my heart is about to pop out of my chest, but there is not an immortal knight who tells me if I chose wisely or if I chose poorly... thank the gods I don't want my life to be stolen from me if I end up choosing wrong. Well I have to get back to class I will try to post more later.

Recruit Training Command (Revisited)

KaleynBeast — Sun, 18 Jun 2006 01:23:00 GMT

I am back, I have returned from my occupation of Great Lakes, IL and it was fun. I am now stationed in Pensacola and I love it here. I just want to say that this was the best decision I have ever made in my life and I want to make it clear to those who would have doubted me or would have wished for me to change my mind that I am a Steamroller Baby, so you better get out of my way now, before I roll right over you. The goddess has blessed me with the strength I needed and then gave me back the love of the woman I love, and when I have my way, she will become my wife. Brightest Blessings Christopher P.S. I am sorry that I could not take the path of the love that I thought I wanted, this was the path that called me.

Recruit Training Command

KaleynBeast — Mon, 20 Feb 2006 06:01:28 GMT

Well I have to say goodbye for a little while, here within this week I shall be shipping off to Recruit Training Command (Boot Camp) in the cold northern state of Illinois. I shall be heading to start my career in the world's greatest Navy. I happen to be shipping off a whole 2 months earlier than my original ship date, but I shall maintain my job class and other legistics. I am not quite sure when I shall be able to get myself back online, but I am sure to post all about my adventures once I have the time to do so. Until I post again, I bid you all ado.

A day in the life of a gay gothic nerd-elf

KaleynBeast — Wed, 08 Feb 2006 06:16:57 GMT

Today when I awoke to my life I desided to head out. I wanted to see a movie, I had to found the paper to look for the page in the back. As my fingure found the theatre in the mall I quickly could read all of my selections. Most of the movies I have rather seen or had no interest ... then half way down the list I saw the movie that I have waited for to come to the cheap theatre for what seems like eons. RENT. There, my day was set. I aligned my clothes and created a playlist. As my cd was burning, I was deep in the shower cleansing myself. I adorned my clothes and arranged my accessories ... Took up the cd and headed out the door. The road was quite long and the day was quite hot, but deep in my heart I sure of my trec. I walked all that way I was sure I would make it. As my songs played through and the last one played I could see the mall within my sight. I danced into the theatre and ask for my ticket as I walked in the audatorium I had seen that the first trailor had already started... SHHHH!!!!!..... I had never seen this movie before so the whole thing was a shock. I felt like Mark in wanting to document the world, I empathised with Roger who wrote his songs with the passion of his heart, I wanted to be Angel with her bright passion, I felt strong like Tom Collins (when the world hits me down I just pic myself up and continue in my line). This movie was so beautiful I have felt renewed just seeing this movie. On my walk home I relised my dreams. I want to create a video game that covers the travels of my soul. I have seen many stories deep in my mind. I have traveled from spactial regions before man was, through the ancient kingdoms of Earth and neighboring Planets. I would include the psychic connection I share with a seer from beyond the stars I would tell about how I feel my soul is stranded here on a planet where the magic is dead because the humans took over. When the elves left planet they took the magic of this realm with them, only me and several like me (their children) remain. The game would end the story deep within the realm of the future when the end finally closes in. As the Sun of our system explodes the people of our planet earth are still at war with each other ... the flames pass over and distroy everything left. Even if anything living did survive the planet's surface would become cold and baren. As the flames that cleansed the earth passed outward it would carry everything that we are with it. Sending our energy and souls with it, we will finally be free. Life will form again on a planet far away where the elves have colonised, I just hope they learned from this expironment with humans.

waking dreams of the goddess

KaleynBeast — Wed, 18 Jan 2006 23:21:06 GMT

Have you ever had a dream so real you thought you were awake. Well what if the you that you expironced in this dream was not the you that you see when you awake? And the things that occur in this dream are so impossible but you still see them as if they were real in your world? For a long time I dreamed about a goddess or maybe a demon. I discribed her to a tee- what she wore, what she looked like, her personality and everything. I have been reading mythology receintly and found out that there are a lot of simularities between ancient myths and my dreams, but I never read these myths before now... What does this mean?

I think I will try it

KaleynBeast — Mon, 21 Nov 2005 21:00:32 GMT

I think I will try it love is an illusion ... it is never real. it is just a chemical addiction to the emotions that flow through your body when touch, see, taste, hear, or smell something ::looks around:: "I guess I scared him off" Oh well ... guess I have to try harder. I don't know sometimes it is better just to forget your past and let the time stream flow ... where shall we go? I do not know. you know I have to thank you, for it was then my creativity grew, and when I awoke I removed all the flaws and sank down on the truth with my big fat claws Life is a sick sad carousel, and it shall take us around one more time. Not before I spake this rhyme... The spell was fast the spell was true, the spell lead my heart to find you. I cast my magick up and around, and then the emotions desired I sent to the ground. what can I say, when my muse is awoke, there is no going broke... I am flat as a Jack but I have so much slack. Possibilities ring through all of the time, but the one I really wanted I lost with a rhyme. He was tall, he was cute, he would help me if I was in need. And just when I thought he would be mine indeed, the Beltaine fires burned away all of the tears that day. I know not now, why oh why oh how?

Enlightenment through Love

KaleynBeast — Sat, 12 Nov 2005 22:27:57 GMT

All I really want to say is that it is ok by me if you hate me for whatever reason. Apparently I make enemies just as good as I make friends. but know this, that everything I said was the best that could be known- for I cannot tell a lie. Everything was the truth as it is in my eye. I was searching a muse, and then I come upon you. And as if you were there all along, I felt this emotion of love that erased the hate. Despite what you think, this is the truth, my only truth. My life is ruled by love, from the stars up above, you cannot know what is here, except by my lonley tear. It pains me to know that I have to watch you go. And that by the love of my life, you have brought me to the light. By estatic visions I know that I have to watch you go. As I transend space/time I come to end this rhymme and to bring the whole of truth that I have come upon. Enlightenment is Enevitable. Brightest Blessings Christopher

Dreams

KaleynBeast — Fri, 11 Nov 2005 23:22:50 GMT

Dreams only happen when you are sleeping, my visions are these dreams that everybody forgets. Because I feel, see, and hear my dreams while I am awake, I remember them more clearly than when asleep. My dreams are my windows to the path from beyond. My higher s'elf knows the way, and cannot understand why I am stuck here, why I must feel these emotions. But the s'elf that I am, the warrior soul, I know that all of the emotions that I feel are because they are necessary for me to understand the complexity theories of the universe so infinitly bound, that they make very little sound that can be audibtle to the human ears. The more I continue write my thoughts, and ramble about my visions, the more I will know that they will get read. I am not going to be a prophet, you cannot make me, I just have a weird way of looking at the world, and nobody whill make me change.

My Christmas List ;)

KaleynBeast — Sun, 06 Nov 2005 04:11:38 GMT

1. Get kissed in the rain 2. Have that one hott kiss where your pressed against the wall 3. Have a guy that thinks you're the world 4. Have a guy that holds on as long as possible when giving hugs 5. A boy that whispers he loves you in your ear 6. Have that moment where you just gaze into eachother's eyes 7. When you cry, he kisses your tears away. 8. When you're not with your guy he's all that you can think about 9. You are wearing his jacket and everytime you breath in, his scent surrounds you 10. A guy who will watch any movie with you, no matter how teary eyed you may get. 11. A boy that says he loves you and means it 12. A guy who is loyal 13. A guy that will kiss you on the forehead. 14. A guy that will call you beautiful or adorable...not hot, fine, or sexy 15. A guy that will never judge you for how you look. 16. A boy that says cheezy stuff to you just to make u smile 17. A boy that is the same when he is with you and when with friends 18. A boy that tells you everything honestly 19. A boy that is good with your family and introduces you to his family 20. A guy that will always let you win 21. A guy who stands up for you no matter who it is against 22. A guy who calls you at night just to say 'hi' and see how your day has been 23. A boy who tells you that your smile makes his day and makes everything better 24. A boy who will sit on the phone with you when you're sad, even if you're quiet 25. A boy who you can hangout and have fun with 26. A boy that will just randonmly call you for no reason at all, just because he missed you 27. A guy who will hold your hand through the roughest parts of life. 28. A guy who would love you forever no matter the circumstance. 29. A guy who you can be yourself with and he will never give a care and would still tell you that you are amazing to him. 30. A guy who runs his fingers through your hair, like he's washing your worries and troubles away.

chaos set to emotions

KaleynBeast — Wed, 02 Nov 2005 18:10:41 GMT

Twirling in and swirling out, saddness grows... the heart races. The tears come pouring down. Everything I felt for him was true though I could not say the same about his emotions for me. I messed with magick, I broke the laws of natural force. And Eros sent me a boi that was just perfect in every way. And I fell for him, and I fell hard. But then I became guilty about the spell so I reversed it and I knew to expect it but I wanted the best. This morning I was woken up by his call... he was breaking up with me. I shall not give up on love, for I know it is out there.... wearing some stranger's clothes. I cannot say that I will not use magick for love again, because I know I will... I will fall in love as often as possible. But I think I will let it come in its own time instead of casting empty spells to bring people into my life.

Love Actually

KaleynBeast — Sun, 30 Oct 2005 16:54:13 GMT

Well where do I start... The wedding this weekend was just wonderful. I must admit there was a few minor setbacks.. The greyhound lost my luggage, obnoxious drunken siblings, and half of the people at the wedding spoke different language. But to help me overcome the obsticals of the voyage, I was being reminded of somebody I had left here in Texas. The days were long and the emotions ran high. And everytime that you would call I would wish that you were near. The party was great and I had so much fun, but I would loved to have you right by my side. With beautiful songs, and scrumptious cake, I relised it was for you that my heart starts to ache. Every moment that I had a spare thought, it was full of an emotion from the heart. We have woven a weird web, and I shall love thee till the day I am dead. Somewhere somehow there was a white knight. That was you and you took me into the light. Writing hyacu's can be quite fun but so can singing your heart song outloud. Brightest Blessings to Lovers and their loved. P.S. I had been trying to post this all week, but have been too busy to actually be able to make it to tribe for any great leangth of time.

I'm leaving on a bus-plane

KaleynBeast — Thu, 20 Oct 2005 00:57:56 GMT

Well everybody, I am going on a really long trip. I am going to be taking a bus to Arizona, I have to go to a wedding in Phoenix. It will be lots of fun, and I will be with family. I should be back by Tuesday. at the very least. For those who could not tell, I have been really depresses latly and this will help. i get to see my mother, and the rest of the family... funny story there I have to find out more but my Granmother got lost and ended up In Las Vegas. I have a slight conffession I need to make to get off my chest, but first the backstory: When I was living in Panama City I had known a lot of really interesting people, they were funny and smart, but most of them could do nothing but put me down, tell me what I was doing wrong. A few years ago I had gotten back from a trip to Minnasota and there was this beautiful boy and my local hang out. As things progressed I found out that he was a gay wiccan too, the first I had met other than myself. As the time went on, I was reluctant about talking to him because I was afraid. And when I did talk to him we quickly became Best Friends. And all of my other friends commented on how it looked like we were growing closer than that, I claimed it was nothing. I just liked being around him. I swear if I had not screwed it all up it would have become perfect. I really loved him. And this past summer I had to watch him get married to some other guy. I was so heartbroken. But since I moved away, every moment that I have had has reminded me about how I missed my Joel. It is so hard learning the leason that true love does not always mannefest on both sides. But anywho. sometimes it is best to pick up the peices and go home... if it is ment to be love will come back around/ ~Ciao

Eternity

KaleynBeast — Tue, 04 Oct 2005 15:37:05 GMT

I fell that life is slipping away from my grasp. I try to live in peace and harmony at last. Chaos consumes my fragile mind and darkens the doorways. Sadness grows as consequence to lonliness. Magic runs from me, for fear it may be consumed by chaos as I have become. Magic is the unkown, and chaos creates the unknown. Then why is it that I cannot use that which has consumed me. For all the powers near and far, by gods untold and sprites to see. Remove my pain. I don't wish this upon anybody. I want to make the world a better place. And to help people. Yet as Chaos consumes my fear-banishing light, I find myself lost and confused and sometimes brused. My dreams seem more real than life itself. My life is more boring than 4 white walls. Part of me just wants to be normal. But that part does not want the normall that the world has put us. That piece of me wants what only I can give. The place in my mind where all others drown out. The Banishment of fear, and pain, and hate. Tear of sorrow, and tears of joy. May I bring a new slate for this boi. Stars of heaven, and gods of Earth. May you see the realm of astral birth. My heart aches with the memories of eternity. My heart sings, with the songs of love and hate and joy. The eclipse of the day before I awoke hath confused us all, and left me broke.

Life

KaleynBeast — Thu, 04 Aug 2005 17:04:48 GMT

Life has many stations, we are all moving from one station to another, becoming different people all along... The pathways are all the same, and the doors there are only a few, but who we become when we walk through those doors, that is something completly differnt, it is determined by a lot of things. example: I am a hippie-->I became a drag queen-->I was a gothic drag queen. I did not want to be considered gothic, but between my music and my dresses, I was gothic. Funny how that happens. Fire

Another Year Older

KaleynBeast — Sun, 31 Jul 2005 10:35:58 GMT

You better watch out, somewhere out there half of my friends are having a birthday today, and at least one very awsome Wesley Snipes also grows another year older. I am not growing older, it is just the anneversiry(sp) of the day I was born about 22 years ago in Italy. I would like to take this moment to wish a beautiful Conova Henderson a very wonderful birthday, and I wish I could be in Florida to celebrate it with her by her side, but as I think of her now the gap between us closes in my heart and I may hear her as if she is right here. According to Lewellen(another spelling error, just don't care enough to fix) and the allmanacs today is the "weighing of 'aga kahn'"... which if I have transulated correctly means the 'Fire King.' This brings me around to the actuall reason for this post, few people I know are curious about where my new name 'Fire WildHawk' came from. And now I shall tell all,... When I was along my jurneys in the rainbow gathering I had met people of many names faces and other things, unfortunatly none of them could ever remember my name of Kalean. I had subsequently been given several other names by many other people, but in my mind none of these names would do, they were not 'my name.' One day when I was learning how to clean-up the beautiful rainforest, I chose the name 'Fire' and it was mine. From the Begining of the gathering I had met 'Water', 'Urth', and 'Air', I also had met two different types of 'Spirit', one was a human and the other was a dog, but as far as I know they were the same person. But as many people as I had met at the gathering, I had not met anybody who carried the name of 'Fire', so I took that upon myself. By this point in the gathering I had became known as 'Sabbi' which from how it was explained to me is like a Rabbi, except this holi-man does not believe that the Hewbrew decended are the only chosen people. So for the rest of the gathering I was 'Sabbi Fire', Sabbi being my title or job that I was doing at that encampent and Fire was my name. In all of my years and all of my travels through-out the land of the living and the dead, all of the names but this one were given to me. I even had somebody introduce me to somebody else and say, 'oh, he has a thousand names' which I instictivly thought of Lord Vishnu. I don't recall how I chose WildHawk, but it fits me, or so I think. Brightest Blessing from the MOON Fire WildHawk

A new year has come

KaleynBeast — Tue, 26 Jul 2005 19:05:54 GMT

A new year has come to add onto the rest that I have compiled in my jurney. The blessings of the Goddess Moon have alowed for me to carry on in the darkest of nights. In the time that no other light has made itself visible to my mortal eyes I was able to use my love for the Moon as a becon for myself to pull through and become. I changed and traveled and changed again and soon i shall find what i am looking for. I am looking for nothing more than my place in this world and the more i search the more I relise that my place is to serach for my place.