While I was moving out of Ian's some hemorrhoid-gobbling  fuckpole  stole both my brand new Marmot sleeping bag and my new Arc'teryx jacket. Right off my porch while I was ten feet away. I don't know how the motherfucker did it, but If I see the motherfucker I'm going to cut out his heart and pawn it down  the street for a dime piece After I run his ass over with my car, strip him naked, flay off his skin with a cheese plane, shove his testicles into vinegar and pickle them. take them on tour with a carnival , end up selling them to a toothless chinese herbalist for baboon birth control & keep his head in the freezer so I can get necroperverts to skullfuck him for a nickel a pop. 

I'm realizing that since I decided to bare my soul and write personal stuff in here that I've totally neglected using LJ like I originally intended, which is detail cool things and trip report type-stuff.



I went to new york at last month and didn't write any of my impressions down, so here's what stayed with me after a month to mull it over:



This is the first time I've thought to myself "I could live here" when thinking about New York. The lower east side has such a small-town-in-a-big-city vibe, a real neighborhood feel. It's like a different place. A kind of cozy place, a respite from the insanity but close enough to it to be exciting. I love Manhattan. The last time I went I stayed mainly in Brooklyn which is nice but lacks the charm and compactness of Manhattan. 



Every part of the city is close to every other part with a million trains zooming around. As everyone who lives in CA says, we need something like that done for public transportation here. The east bay especially, not even having anything like the Muni.



Shimmering in the hot late-summer sun was the first New York I'd experienced.  Short skirts and clinginess replaced by scarves and rain boots still make the women in New York about ten-times more put-together then the west coast.  In comparison West coast women don't give a shi-ott about how they look and the men here dress like bums, me included :)



I took a long walk through central park with my high school sweetheart, Tymaree. She reminded me how far I'd matured and grown in the relationships I've had since we were together twelve years ago. I treated her like shit and like the punk kid that I was then. I didn't know how to treat a woman properly. I was so selfish and rude it made me wince more than a few times to hear her talk about the ig'nant shit I pulled on her. Unfortunately she's been feeling the repercussions of that for years and hasn't been able to have the great partners I've had. It's taken a ton of growing on my part to end the selfishness, while she's seemingly been stuck in the pattern of dating men who've been bad for her. I'm truly grateful to have had the chance to apologize. I still care very much for her and hope she finds someone worthy of her loveliness. 



Jodi and Matt are two f my favorite people in the world and their engagement is perfect, 'nuff said.



Somehow I made it back to Robin twice, after last going there randomly in 2003, David, Alex's roomate works there but I didn't even know him then. Some of my fondest memories of the last itme in Neew York were doing  shared-drawings in that strangely appointed restaurant/bar. I love that place. I'll be sure to go there every time I'm in the city.



more lates I suppose...

Never being able to love so easily doesn't mean that I'll never find love again but that I'm going to be a lot more careful when I do. I'm not going to trust love at first sight, nor will I jump into love like I did with Amber. I think that may be a good thing in some ways. Letting my head catch up to my heart before falling in love and getting hurt. Of course I sy that now before I've had time to even begin to want a relationship with anyone, so who knows how I'll act when I finally do fall in love again.

 I'm in such a bad place right now.  I'm sitting here hyperventilating and my heart is beating like a panic attack. I'm back in that hellish place where everything is a swirling dark mess and there is nothing. After seeing Amber on Friday we were rude to each other and insulting.,the quiet drama that hurts more than words, the undercurrent of her moving on, combined with my complete devastaion and inability,  welled up and broke like a wave over me. Just now I saw a picture of her and..

 

 The thoughts came back. Darkness, tunnel vision, lead weight on my chest, twisting iron screw.



Everytime I think about her grief pours out. My heart empties. I've never loved anyone like I loved her. I don't think I'll be able to love so easily and completely ever again. Not after being hurt like that.

When I wake up I've been giving myself a daily boost. In the morning when I get I say something like "Today is going to be a busy day. I'm going to kick butt" then give myself words to use throughout the day. It 's been working.  Today my words are



Quickly and quietly, smoothly and efficiently. I'm going to knock this motherfucker out' the park.





word.