So I've been a hermit again...no big surprise there....I just finished a marathon of 80-hour work weeks, which started right after I was sure my dad was well enough that I didn't need to spend every free moment with him or taking care of his affairs. BTW - he is doing really well - the doctors say they've never seen anyone recover this quickly - go Dad! He's such a stubborn fucker *grin*

I actually worked the whole holiday season at the second job, I successfully pulled off the family Christmas thing at my house despite crazy work hours and a stomach flu. I managed to make time to visit with all of the old friends in town for the holidays - or almost - I'm still bummed I missed my Ali-cat....I was in the First Night parade tonight. And now I think all the things I have to do are wrapped up - I'm done, I crossed the finish line for the year.

I don't usually bother with New Year's resolutions - why the hell wait for January? If I wanna change something, I do it. Or try to...But I have one this year: to get my vitality back. I'm exhausted - I spent the latter part of the night in tonight because I just didn't have the energy to go out after I got done with the parade,,,

2007 was a really shitty year. It's drained me emotionally and physically, and I'm glad to show it my backside. Sitting here being reflective tonight, the only real bright point this year has been all the awesome people that have helped me get through it - I am truly blessed with a host of wonderful friends and family that made a horrible year bearable, and helped me get through some really rough shit. I appreciate all you've done, from the random guy that made me smile tonight to the dear friends who've held me while I cried and talked me through each day. You are all wonderful and I love all of you in some way.

So that's it - bye bye crappy 2007. Hello new, hopefully better year. I'm resolved to recharge and do the good things for my body and my soul that I've been neglecting, and connect more with the wonderful people that inspire me and motivate me. Thank you all for being part of what makes me get up in the morning! *HUGS* and *KISSES* and *LOVE*

So I'm sitting here late at night with a bunch of shite rumbling around in my head, and I decided to share some of it....and I actually would love some feedback....

I've been thinking a lot about expressing emotions....I realized a while ago, that I tend to have a delay between when something irritates me, and when I talk about it. I usually take a bit and turn it over in my head and analyze my 'reasons' and try to decide if the feeling is 'reasonable' or 'rational,' sometimes I talk it over with close friends and ask their opinions, and basically calm down and get all logical about the thing. Then, if necessary, I tell the person who irritated me what the hell happened, and why, etc....

And recently, I realized that I tend to keep ALL my emotional expression in check, except on those rare occasions when I blow up (ain't pretty, either). I started asking myself if I was comfortable with my feelings, and I think the answer just might be No. I feel embarrassed when I'm happy and silly, and I almost always feel bad after a one of my blow-ups. So why?

I know we teach kids pretty early on not to express their emotions too much. Don't yell and hit, calm down and be in control. That's probably a good damn idea - in fact, I wish a lot of people were teaching their kids MORE of that these days....but that's another rant.

I realized, though, that I've had a string of people in my life that have emotionally suppressed me. The evil ex (highschool era) used to give me shit on an almost constant basis for being 'emotional.' I've had bosses give me grief for being too emotional (maybe valid) and I've had more recent friends and SO's criticize me for crying, yelling, bitching...and being happy. Yeah - like the 'What's wrong with you?' comments when I get silly and dance around a store. I'm looking back and seeing a string of people who have used criticisms to keep me from expressing ups and downs...kinda forcing me into this bland, level, work-sleep-pay-bills grind with no obvious bumps in the wave, as it were.

I think this is controlling behavior. As in, if person X can undermine my confidence in my feelings, and force me to stop, think, and analyze, then they've taken the punch outta what I'm experiencing at the moment. In some cases, it gives them the ability to argue me right out of my feelings...now that's fuckered up, IMHO.

And I'm just starting to get it, because I'm rejecting that kind of criticism. I got some grief recently for being 'too touchy' and pretty much lost my head - of COURSE I'm frigging touchy just now, what with all the stuff that's been going on, and damn it, that's OK. And I've been letting go and having fun more too - I had a great kitchen-utensil-fencing moment this afternoon in IKEA - two scrub brushes vs. a whisk and a spatula...yeah, we were dorks. But it was fun, dammit!

So what do ya'll think? Is it OK, to just let your emotions out when you feel 'em? I don't mean punching the asshole who was rude to you, of course - there's a level of difference between verbal and vocal expression and physical action, and I think it's a GOOD thing to put a layer of thought between the FEEL and the DO...but I also think it's healthy to SAY I'm pissed, or laugh and dance if I feel like it, or cry when I'm sad....Or am I just looking for excuses to justify my lack of control?

*HUGS* and *KISSES*

So it's been a little while since I posted an update on things...Well, Dad's still recovering from his lung transplant. He's been out of ICU for a while, but they won't let him go home until they get all the medications balanced and right now he's having some issues with high blood sugar (apparently a side effect of one of the meds) He had some mild rejection, but they have treatments for that and it appears to be working. He's also got a mild cold, but nothing too serious. We've got our fingers crossed hoping that he can go home this week

In the meantime, my stepmother got herself put in the hospital last week. I'm not gonna go into details on that, but suffice it to say that I am PISSED that she doesn't have the good sense to take care of herself when she's supposed to be caring for someone else. So I've been taking care of Dad, and his secretary is taking care of my brother. Sigh - clusterfuckery at it's best. She's home now, but still very ill, so I don't know how long THAT situation will continue....

In other news..a number of you know my evil monster cat Imp (my other cat, Cobweb, is not really evil). Well, Impster has been having 'litter box' issues lately, and thinking it might be a UTI, I took him to the vet. Oh, no. I'm not that lucky. Imp is diabetic. Yep, that's right, my CAT is diabetic. So I now give my cat insulin shots twice a day. Fortunately, he doesn't mind (much) and isn't biting me (much) and even appears to be feeling better - in other words, he's frisky and chomping on my ankles again. Yay, normalcy!

So these last few weeks have pretty much sucked large hairy, sweaty balls. Thank you, all of you that dropped me a line and are thinking good thoughts for my family - looks like we need it right now *grin* I'll update again when I can...

*HUGS* and *KISSES*