One Pill Makes You SmallerThu, December 8, 2005 - 1:12 AM
One Pill Makes You Larger: Compassion.
Perhaps I am simplifying a bit, but roll with me on this one for a moment.I had an epiphonous experience of divine revalation a few weeks ago and this is one of the clearest messages that came through to me.
Guilt is a pernicious disease that plagues our society, a disease that has been purposefully inflicted apon us by church and state to make us smaller, more docile, easier to control. We feel guilty about everything from our anger to our desire.
Guilt does have a purpose, it makes you smaller when you have grown too big for your own good and stomped around doing damage to others. But needless guilt, guilt for being who you are and not who others think you should be or even how YOU think you should be, that makes you smaller than you are. You can't be whole, you can't be balanced. Our guilt makes us hunched and withered, turns us in on ourselves. When we are guilty we cannot love ourselves, much less someone else.
I had a moment that all guilt was lifted from me, all feelings of shame, all of the "shoulds" and "had better hads" and "because I wasn't good enoughs" were simply gone. In that moment I was completely me in all of my power and beauty and ugliness and fear and love and it was GREAT! I was able to love myself fully and to have compassion for all those parts of myself that I usually feel badly about.
And, amazingly enough, the ability to accept myself with compassion meant that I could look around at all the people in the world and feel compassion for them. Yes, all of them, even the Bush family. I could see us all as we are, and see the limitations that we impose on our own selves, and understand the difficulties and rewards of eliminating those limitations.
The moment I felt all these things was like emerging from the underworld into the sun for the first time in many, many years. I felt one part of my life ending, as a new part begins and I embark on a new journey. I know that the underworld is always part of me and I know I will have to go back, but this journey is over and I have healed the guilt and shame that has kept me from being a whole person.
I want so very, very much to share with all of you what this felt like and how much it has helped me in my life already. Even though it was only a short while that I was in it, and we cannot stay curled in the palm of the divine forever, having been through it I am completely changed, on a cellular level, in ways that I am still discovering.
I understand that it is my life's goal to try to convey the things that were given to me in that moment to as many people as possible. I don't really know how, but I guess that this little blog post that feels garbled and hippie is a dart into the darkness.
We have to find our way home to each other. To the world that belongs to us as we belong to it. No matter how dark the darkness there is joy in the most unexpected corners and we are absolutely obligated to be joyfull in this life. No one is supposed to be miserable. No one is supposed to suffer. Martyrdom is not helpful. As misery loves company, joy creates joy.
Okay, enough for now. Thank you all my friends for your support in this process. I love you.
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mmKristina-- it's amazing to see you in this time, as your presence (always beautiful) grows larger & unashamed, opening to all the love around you & offering yours in kind. I value your exquisite cameos in my life very much.
Plus you're still a dork. My god, she's got it all;)
Ahhhhhh Sweeet GuiltSometimes we wear it like a fur coat in July
And then sometimes it is like a sweet cup of chocolate in winter
It's hard for mere mortals to use guilt appropriately