flotsam

RM Blog - found words...

ksea — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 05:01:24 GMT

http://www.bigtopmagazine.com/index.php/ringmasters-blog/139-found-words-rm-blog

again....

ksea — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 04:38:03 GMT

http://www.bigtopmagazine.com/index.php/ringmasters-blog/137-again

bliggityblog

ksea — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 04:07:14 GMT

http://www.bigtopmagazine.com/index.php/ringmasters-blog

Beyond Magick, beyond dreams...

ksea — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 21:07:33 GMT

and it's actually simple - just KNOW. Know that it's possible, and most importantly, know that you are worth EVERYTHING good that comes your way.... http://www.bigtopmagazine.com/index.php/ringmasters-blog/135-update-blog-overload

What? TONIGHT?????!!!

ksea — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 00:08:49 GMT

Just found out I'm heading for the Playa *tonight* and not next week - YIPES! Listen for a Big Top interview on BMIR, probably next Thursday - I don't know with who yet, but it will be sure to be a fucking BLAST! (And of course it will be recorded and end up in the magazine for those who miss it...) In the meantime, I FINALLY got the Beats Antique Interview up in Big Top, so please give that a listen and enjoy! Tommy & David have some fun stuff to say... shit. this is crazy. Need to cancel Dr. apts., need to go over the new motorhome and make sure it will make it. Need to fix the rear lights - screw trying to repair what the hands befoe me did, I'm ripping it out and wiring it RIGHT. Hell - I have an entire few hours, right?

BIG TOP has been TOWED - Please Help! Repost!

ksea — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 03:19:23 GMT

Hello, dear friends, family, and beloved community and readers of Big Top Magazine! I write this quickly out of desperation, as yesterday evening, July 24th @6pm, my motor home/only home/Big Top office and all that was in it was TOWED. I had enough time to grab my computer and notebooks for Big Top so I can keep Big Top going of course, but not much else. Even my Top Hats were left behind!!! Though I had hoped to use BTM as a way to help *others* in our community when they need it (and have!), this time, my dear friends, it's me, your loving Ringmaster. I screwed up - I know, I KNOW! I swear - it won't happen again! While focused on creating content for the magazine I had neglected to generate income for it, and as a result the damn parking tickets added up. While only six, they come to a sizable chunk of change, (over $1000 and increasing daily) - and so I have no choice but to look to my readers and community for help. I understand that things are tight all over, but if there is anything at all you can afford to give to show your love and appreciation for this crazy dream, or if you could broadcast it out to *your* friends (WORLDWIDE!) and get the word out there, I will be eternally grateful - and swear never to let the parking tickets build up again! Please, please help if you can! There has never been a time where Big Top has needed your support so urgently. Look at me - this is pathetic! I'm so shook up I can't even write well! You can send support through Paypal to ksea@bigtopmagazine.com and if you simply can't afford to give anything at all (even the smallest amount helps!) you can also help greatly by sending this out to your friends - it's for a great cause, which is The One, The ONLY Big Top Magazine, the Best Magazine in the WORLD! Thank you in advance so very much for anything you can do to help me get my office/home/think tank/sanctuary back - and unless you ask me not to, I'll psrsonally thank you by name in the magazine once I'm able to breathe again! TONS of Big Top love, and thank you!!! ~ kSea flux

The Best Prices EVER in Big Top!

ksea — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 03:42:31 GMT

The Amazing Big Top Advertising Benefit! In order to keep BT going & growing, you can take advantage of the LOWEST advertising prices in the history of Big Top Magazine - it's time for the new year, and Big Top is going to be going INSANE with all the plans I have for it! Let all of your friends know - let the workd know - New Sections, more consistent content, and the plans I have are going to KEEP this the absolute best magazine of its kind in the world - and right now is the time to jump on the crazy circus train! http://www.bigtopmagazine.com/index.php/advertise

I've moved...

ksea — Sat, 16 May 2009 18:08:13 GMT

http://kseaflux.blogspot.com/

sleepless thoughts...

ksea — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 20:33:35 GMT

laying in my bed, thoughts of my show wandering through my head, as usual... Realizing that in no small way that this show carries with it the possibility of completely changing my life if it does well - getting me out from under what it has become, the daily trying to make ends meet and move forward... This show could do it - get me back on the road, writing again, reconnecting me with the passion that has been dulled lately... Fucking hell. Things finally have a much more likely point of dramatic, positive change... Hell yeah. HELL YEAH!!!

The Big Top Bally! The Latest News from BIG TOP MAGAZINE!

ksea — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 00:44:41 GMT

The Big Top Bally! The latest news from Big Top Magazine In This Broadcast: *Big Top Magazine is One Year Old - & Celebrating with a Spectacular Show for you! *A Completely NEW ISSUE will be released in late April! * Big Top is hitting the road in May! The Wanderlust Adventure might be rolling through your town! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Big Top Magazine’s Anniversary Extravaganza, May 2nd in San Francisco! Roll up, Roll UP, ROLL UP! It’s coming soon, the Big Top Anniversary – and to celebrate making it through the year, BTM is creating a truly spectacular show for you! From the most amazing Circus Acts to bands that will make your body groove, as well as deliciously delectable Belly Dancers, this is most certainly going to be a Phenomenal Event, and one that you truly do NOT want to miss! It’s being held in a beautifully intimate venue, and will sell out – so be sure to get your tickets ASAP, as they’re already selling! We’re also holding a raffle with wonderful prizes, and the first 60 tickets sold will receive a free raffle ticket! All proceeds from this show go directly to helping make Big Top better, as well as funding the Wanderlust Adventure (see below). For complete information & to purchase tickets, please visit http://tinyurl.com/BTManniversary And again, please get tickets for yourself & your friends asap – it would really help me out in getting fliers printed & repairs to the motor home done! ============================================================ Entirely NEW issue of Big Top Magazine coming in just a few weeks! I’ve been working hard on this one, & it will include interviews with the beautiful Belly Dancer Frederique, Beats Antique, Christina from Black Lotus Clothing, Amy Sigil from Unmata, & Blaze from Flynn Creek Circus - with art from Lee Harvey Roswell – and more! This is the first complete issue in Big Top’s beautiful new website, and man, it’s been a crazy one to put together, including having my beautiful, wonderful, life-saving transcribers’ home go up in flames & the transcriptions she worked so hard on lost with everything else of hers. Life is absolutely insane sometimes under the Big Top, but we keep on making it happen for you! ============================================================ The Big Top Wanderlust Adventure is hitting the road in May! Setting my beautiful city of San Francisco in the rear view mirror, I’ll be creating Big Top Magazine from the road! It’s been calling, and now, at last, I’ll be able to answer. On my travels I’ll be finding more content for Big Top, interviewing amazing people I encounter along the way, writing about the adventures, and creating shows in the cities I visit with the amazing assistance of a dear friend in New Orleans, Cameron. It’s hard to express how excited I am about getting on the road again, and most of all, writing – as it’s been far too long. Except for a few things already being planned, there is no route set in stone – it will mostly be following the wind & whim, so stay tuned to the magazine and find out where we’re heading next, and when the next show (under the title of (r)Evolution) will be! For the two or three of you who might be interested, I’ve finally decided on a name for my motor home: Dancer. While this name might seem somewhat silly & unoriginal, it was decided upon mostly as a reminder for me. The past year of making this magazine happen has been wrought with emotional ups & downs, and there have been many times where it seemed as if what it takes just wasn’t worth it. I felt like I was constantly fighting for everything, even simply to eat - but then just the other evening I was laying in bed in my motor home, and remembered something that I had forgotten. Life isn’t a fight. When I think of it that way, all it seems like is a continuous struggle, and I recalled that in the past, when things seemed to be at their worst, all I had to do was look at life as if it were a dance – And keep dancing…

Tickets NOW AVAILABLE for Big Top Magazine's One Year Anniversary!

ksea — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 00:38:18 GMT

If you were one of the fortunate ones that made it to Revolution back in August, you have a small taste of what's in store for you for the Anniversary, as Big Top has made it through the year, and man - it's time to CELEBRATE! All of you on Tribe have been with me from the beginning, and have been witness to a few of the trials & struggles that have come my way in creating it, as well as the entirely absurd conditions in which it was created - and honestly, if it weren't for many of you (Bobzilla, Ty, Tank, and a few others) it simply would not be anymore, at all. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to completely give up - not let it fade into nothingness, but simply rip it down and forget it ever happened... but, thanks to you and your encouragement & love, I didn't. I hope that you will come celebrate the one year anniversary with me, as it has most certainly been one HELL of a year fighting to keep it happening - and man, it is - so come and celebrate with me, and while you're there, please wish me safe travels, as I'm taking off soon after for a number of months to create Big Top from the road! http://tinyurl.com/BTManniversary IT'S COMING!!! Ladies & Gentlemen, Boys & Girls, Roll up, Roll up, ROLL UP! Big Top Magazine is celebrating the One Year Anniversary of it's existence in this beautiful world by throwing an INCREDIBLE celebration for you, an event that is sure to astound & amaze! Awe Inspiring Performances, Bands to get Your Body Moving, Deliciously Sexy Belly Dancers to make you Squirm With Delight, and SO MUCH MORE! Hand Selected Vendors will bring you their best, incredible prizes offered in an amazing Raffle,and delightful surprises around every corner - this is without question going to be an evening that you do NOT want to miss, and one you will talk about for months and months to come! FIRST 60 ADVANCE TICKETS SOLD WILL RECEIVE A FREE RAFFLE TICKET (a $5 value), & we're putting together some GREAT prizes for you, to start being announced soon! This is not only an event to celebrate that Big Top Magazine has made it through the year and is still charging ahead with even more passion, ideas, & special treats to bring you in the future, but... Your Big Top Founder, Ringmaster, & Vagabond Extraordinairre - kSea flux - is putting his beloved city of San Francisco in the rear view just a few short weeks after the event & heading out in the official Big Top Motor Home to bounce around the country, bringing you Big Top Magazine from the road! I'll be performing, putting on shows, & finding incredible people, interviews & stories from the travels along the way! The Wanderlust has been hitting me hard the past few months, and so this will also be a benefit to help make this dream happen! There's a lot I need to do to make what has been my home for the past few months road-worthy, & while I will do much of the actual work myself, some I can't- & that's where the raffle & benefit come in. Help me hit the road! THIS EVENT WILL SELL OUT, and & want to make sure you make it - so PLEASE BUY YOUR TICKETS ASAP! You can purchase tickets through Paypal at the top left of this page (Please put "Anniversary" in the note) or simply send it to bigtoptickets@gmail.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it - your name will be on the will call list at the show, and if you're one of the first 50, you will also have your raffle tickets waiting for you. (If you wish, you may also purchase extra raffle tickets @ $5 each - just make certain you let me know in the note! Thank you so incredibly much for such a beautiful year, and I look forward to bringing you even more Big Top Magazine, more productions, and more, more, MORE in the following years! Much love, and I look forward to seeing you there - bid me adieu, safe travels and eventual return - it's time for this boy to remember the magick that the road offers... ~ kSea flux

At long last - Video from BTM's REVOLUTION!

ksea — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 00:01:16 GMT

Dig the video - HELL YEAH! Some changes are being made (such as adding a "special thanks" credit & stuff for the many deserving), but here's the first edit - only eight months later! www.bigtopmagazine.com AND, coming to you on Saturday, May 2nd - The Big Top Magazine ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY EXTRAVAGANZA! Make sure you mark the date & purchase your tickets early (available soon) - as it WILL sell out! That's right, my beautiful friends - against all odds, BTM made it through the first year, and things are REALLY going beautifully for it now - it's taking OFF, baby! This is also a Wanderlust Benefit, as Big Top is taking off in more ways than one! Yours truly is answering the call of the road very shortly after the show to go traveling the states, fining amazing performers & stories for the Magazine along the way. I know things are tight for everyone, but if you want to help support this grand endeavor please visit www.bigtopmagazine.com & please make a donation (a paypal thing on the front page) - it will help with necessary repairs to the motor home, getting AAA, and many other things. Think of it as a modern day "On The Road", except it will be blogged about in real time! And now, for some latest BTM news! BIG TOP MAGAZINE NEWS FLASH! EXCLUSIVE specials only through Big Top Magazine! I’ve been working closely with my lovely advertisers, and we have arranged for them to offer a 10% discount on their extraordinarily exquisite items! from stunning clothes to gorgeous jewelry & other adornments, and for the performers out there, some superbly crafted stilts, from the people who make them for Flam Chen & many other incredible performance troupes – so go have a look! http://bigtopmagazine.com/index.php/midway If you want to advertise as well, this is THE BEST TIME! The traffic to the site is growing exponentially, I'm celebrating the birthday of Big Top by offering YOU a special on advertising, and hell - to be perfectly honest with ya, Big Top Magazine has some pretty insane plans for the very near future, and needs your support! Check out the advertising page for more details - the special ends SOON! Big Top Magazine is turning ONE YEAR OLD, and is having one hell of a well deserved ANNIVERSARY EXTRAVAGANZA! That’s right, my beautiful friends - Big Top is hitting by far the most important milestone of its existence, and yeah, it’s been one tumultuous year, full of the highest of highs, and many times where it took absolutely everything I had to keep going – but we made it, and it’s time to CELEBRATE! Mark your calendars for Saturday, May 2nd, as you will NOT want to miss this! It WILL sell out, so be sure to get your tickets in advance – more information on that coming soon. (It’s also a fare-well party for yours truly, as very shortly after it Big Top will be hitting the road for a few months, running the magazine from my motor home and finding incredible people & stories along the way for upcoming Big Top issues! Dig the video from the last Big Top Magazine production here! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKVA05igEtI And, speaking of upcoming Big Top issues, the next complete, jam-packed, beautiful issue will be up in Mid April, and man – it’s going to be FANTASTIC! Big Top is just getting better & better, and this will be the first 100% new issue with our new website – and I must admit - I’m THRILLED! Aaaaand - In order to help bring in some much needed funds for the road trip, I’m also offering what will most likely be the last advertising special for quite a while, with 20% off all advertising and free graphic design for your advertisement – as well as if you want to be a part of the 10% off special above, you get an extra super special added bonus just for being a part of it – so join the gang, and let Big Top support you while you support BTM! For even more amazing news as well as a few things to expect in the coming issue (& a whole bunch of other stuff) check out www.bigtopmagazine.com – and thank you all so incredibly much for your support, encouragement & love over the past year. It couldn’t have happened without you. Big Top Love like fresh, warm cotton candy, ~ kSea

Big Top Magazine wants you, needs you, loves you!

ksea — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 00:43:51 GMT

First of all, stay tuned for details - BTM One Year Anniversary show on APRIL 24th @ DNA Lounge! Circus Acts! Belly Dancers! Amazing Bands! Vendors! This is also a send-off for yours truly, as I'm hitting the road for a number of months very shortly after the show - STAY TUNED! Second, Big Top needs your support, and in return will support the hell out of you! Big Top was just launched only a year ago (May 1st, '08) and man, it's been one amazingly beautiful ride so far! Visited by 89 countries/territories, met with immense love & appreciation that a magazine for *us* finally exists, and even winning an award for "Best Web 'Zine" from the SF Bay Guardian - and hell, I'm just getting started! It's taken no small amount of love & work though, and here, my dear friends is where I go against many unspoken rules of business and let it be known - Big Top needs you, and needs you now! I've been nickel & dime-ing it since its beginning, loving every second of working my ass off to make it better & better, and this is where I call out to anyone who has even slightly considered advertising in the best & only magazine of its kind in existence - the time to act is NOW! BTM needs to generate some income ASAP to help it keep moving forward with some amazing plans, and in doing so, can help *your* business grow as well! Let Big Top Magazine support you, by supporting Big Top! We're all in this together; the dreamers, the doers, the beautiful creators - so let's rock it! For more information please visit http://bigtopmagazine.com/index.php/advertise - and while you're there be sure to check out the magazine, and see why it's THE place to go to find out about our beautiful, worldwide community! (If you want to support Big Top but just don't have anything to advertise, there is an incredibly convenient Donate button on the front page of the magazine. How thoughtful of me, making your life that much easier!) Big Top Love to ya all, ~ kSea

The Big Top Bally! The Latest News from BIG TOP MAGAZINE!

ksea — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 06:09:32 GMT

The latest Big Top Magazine News! www.bigtopmagazine.com > Big Top Magazine is now a proud sponsor of the Hubba Hubba Review! For information on their shows (every third Friday at the DNA lounge in San Francisco, & Every Monday @ the Uptown in Oakland) visit our Events page! > We've been growing like CRAZY! Though roughly based in San Francisco, Big Top covers the WORLD, baby! In the short time since it's launch in May of '08, Big Top has been visited by 88 countries/territories, and every single state in the U.S.! (North Dakota finally visited for the first time today, 2/26!) I'm looking forward to bringing you news on what's happening around the globe, as people are doing amazing things absolutely everywhere, and you deserve to know! > Big Top is looking for people to help find advertisers for the magazine, and it's a paid gig! With all that's going on, I just don't have time to focus on that as well, and I would love to help promote the amazing artists, designers, creators & performers through my mag! For details, please email me at ksea@bigtopmagazine.com > Big Top wants to know what you wish to see & read about in upcoming issues! Join the forum, find the topic under "Magazine News" and let us know! I think I've done a pretty damn good job of it so far, but I know there are multitudes of amazing things happening that I don't know about - so let's hear from ya! > Some how, some way, in late April I’m packin’ up the motor-home and going on a drive-about, and I’m thrilled to get back on the road! Hitting most of the U.S. on my own tour, creating shows along the way & bringing some amazing people along with for some stretches. Stay tuned, as much of it is already in the works thanks to the dear Cameron, and we’ll probably be swinging close by you! > The Advertising special continues! For a limited time I’m also offering free graphic design for your ad, so if you want to promote your business in the only indie circus & arts magazine in the world, please visit the ADVERTISE page, and help support Big Top at the same time! > FANTASTIC interviews just around the corner! The lovely belly dancer Frederique, the wonderfully unique sounds of Beats Antique, Christina from Black Lotus Clothing, part two of the conversation with the extraordinary Jill Tracy, and many more are coming, just for you! > Just added for your convenience! We now have a "Donate" button up on the front page of the magazine, so if you like what you see and appreciate the incessant work that goes into it, please help support Big Top Magazine! Donations, advertising, and tons of love are what keeps this magazine going, so if you can help, please do! Aaaand - more contests coming, so keep on checking back - Big Top is rolling in high gear, and has absolutely NO intention of slowing down! Tons of love to all of you, and thank you for all of your love and support! ~ kSea

New Interview with Arielah up in the NEW Big Top Magazine!

ksea — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 22:22:43 GMT

Big Top Magazine is going through the top of the tent, exploding beautifully like a Million Circus Supernovas & going far beyond what I could have ever imagined this exquisite dream becoming so early on... yeah, it's rocking. Big Top is now a proud sponsor of the famous Hubba Hubba Revue, has appreciation & love coming from all areas of the globe, everyone saying that something like this was long overdue, and they have finally found a home... Fuck Yeah. Please check out the new site, sign up on the magazine, join the Forum and start or join conversations, and enjoy the latest interview that I have finally found the time to get together & put up, a conversation with the lovely Ariellah! Coming Very soon: Beautiful articles from Lucent Dossier, An interview with Christina from Black Lotus Clothing, A fun conversation with Frederique, an interview with Beats Antique, and soon I have an interview with Flynn Creek Circus planned - I just need to find more hours in the day to do all of this! Gods, I'm in love with my life...

The new Big Top Magazine is ALIVE!

ksea — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 10:22:22 GMT

We've been working our asses off getting this together for you, and were met with some insane challenges along the way - but we kept on going, kept out heads up as much as we could, and had a vision of what Big Top Magazine had the potential to be. We stuck with our dreams, or more appropriately, Cameron (a dear friend in New Orleans) stuck with mine. Without Cameron pretty much building the entire new site over a few months it wouldn't be here. She is fantastic - congratulating me when I figured out how to do something (and scolding me when I fucked it up), we got it going, got the content up, and though it is still coming along with MUCH more to come for your enjoyment, it is LIVE!!! I think one of my favorite additions that I was never able to figure out how to do on my old site is the BT Forum, a live forum where soon you can fet information and talk with people from all over the world - connecting us all. Please check it out, tell your friends, and if you want to, Enter the very first Big Top contest! Still tons to do, but it is here, and friggin' beautiful, I believe. Please let me know what you think! (It doesn't really pay anything yet, and your comments will keep me warm on cold nights in my motor home..._ Big Top love to you, and... ENJOY! www.bigtopmagazine.com

you thought...

ksea — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 23:39:05 GMT

you thought I didn't love you anymore, didn't you? Words words words, yes, I've been reading you but not writing back, and you though - YOU though, that I just didn't care anymore. Well, words, you are wrong - dreadfully wrong. Things have just been crazy lately, and I didn't want to use you in a way that made you feel cheap. Ya see, I respect you, words. I really do - I can't count how many times you have helped me do something, including remaining alive. Yeah, you did that. You put those words into my head, those words about thinking that tomorrow could maybe be better - and yeah, it was. It was, always is, and I'm not dead around ten years ago, thanks to you. Thanks to you alone. There was nothing else then but you. I think that maybe you have let me help other people, as well. Pretty sure of it - but yeah, it's all you. I'm just your pawn. Your play toy... but really, I guess we work together. Don't we? You put all of you into my head, and I somehow, sometimes, decide how to make sense of it. Sometimes I even succeed. Imagine that. Still, I would be nothing without you, and you... well, you have many playthings who are far better than I at weaving you together, but I think you still need me - why else would you keep coming back, making me use you? You thought I didn't care anymore, but I do - things have just been crazy these days, but I'm back, with a vengeance. I've missed you, and yeah - I'm going to use you. (If no one did, you wouldn't exist - so enough with your melodrama, okay? "oh, woe is me, used used used, all I do for you..." You NEED to be used, and I need to use you. simple... ya dig?) Just letting you know that I'm back. That's all. Still tons of stuff to do, but - I DO need you, and I really hope that we can work together like we once did, for years. (Remember those years? Ah - the traveling, the trials, the beauty, the pain...) You were with me then, and though I haven't been a very good friend of late, all I can do is make amends, and let you know that things are getting better. I will be travelling again. There will be beauty, there will be pain - and you love those, don't you? Words, I'm coming back. I have missed you, dearly.

i guess...

ksea — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 23:06:46 GMT

that it's just one of those days inside of me...

Graphic design work - CHEAP!

ksea — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 09:24:27 GMT

Anyone need some graphic design work done, but ya don't have the time to do it or the $ to pay actual professionals? I can get it done for you! Business cards, fliers, pretty much anything you can think of, for uber cheap! I did all the graphics on the Big Top site ( www.bigtopmagazine.com ) and a few other thing for friends, and I can create yours, for you, showing what you want to portray in whatever it is you want me to do. Again, this is incredibly inexpensive, but will look great - I just need to try to create a bit of side scratch heading my way in order to do fix-its on the motor home, put fuel in the tank and other things such as keeping the website active & alive... Please contact me at ksea13@gmail.com and we'll talk about what you want - it will pretty much come down to what you can afford. Thanks!

home.

ksea — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 06:56:24 GMT

I sit at the table & close my eyes, listen to the rain as it lightly dances on the roof of my new RV. My first night alone in it since I bought it a couple weeks ago, my first night alone in what feels like far, far too long. I open my eyes, roll a cigarette and light it, look around. An incredible sense of serenity fills me. I haven't had a true home to call my own since I returned from New Orleans, living with other people, sleeping on their couches or beds, or trying to do my best to make a van a home, or sleeping on the padded floor of a cold, uncomfortable truck parked in a friends driveway. I've done the best I thought I could, knowing that I couldn't afford and apartment but unwilling to go back to the way it was before, with a job that payed but miserable. If I tried to do that again after tasting this strange, beautiful life, it would be hundred of times worse - my heart would be broken as well as my dreams. It's either one way or the other for me - either fight like hell for my dreams and sacrifice what is needed in order to make them mine again, or the daily grind of miserable security as I feel who I've fought so had for drain from my heart. This isn't a hobby. Fighting for dreams isn't something I can do in my spare time... all or nothing... In just a couple of minutes I'll shut down the computer, pick up the book I've become engrossed in, turn off the light above the table & go crawl into my bed and read until I can barely keep my eyes open. Then close the book, set it beside me and just lay in my bed, on the wonderful mattress, under the covers, and just... be. It may not make sense to a lot of people, this life I have chosen, and that's fine - it does to me. Life finally makes sense to me, and for the first time in a long, long time, I have a home. My home. My sanctuary... and yeah - everything, right now, makes perfect sense...

Inauguration schtuffs going on?

ksea — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 22:23:16 GMT

I would really love spending this momentous, fantabulous event in the company of good friends, good celebration, and all the things that go along with those good things - but alas, been wrapped up in workies for the magazine, so things have slipped under the radar. What the heck is going on? Please let me know! Thankee, ~ kSea

the becoming...

ksea — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 03:23:28 GMT

ahhh, yes. Much to do, as she desperately needs to have some fluxification done to her as well as a number of small things repaired, but the potential is screaming like a banshee to let it loose. Stay tuned for the re-creation - I believe that this one might be a keeper for a while. If anyone happens to have spare comforters, pillows, satin black latex paint, or perhaps a full sized bed in good condition, please let me know - thanks! (Sorry about the lousy pic - camera phone in the dark...) The favorite toy I've found on it so far is a spot/flood light on the top, which can be moved with a little toggle switch from the drivers seat. COOL!

forward...

ksea — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 17:24:54 GMT

everything outside this focus has suffered, but needed to, at least briefly... Stepping stones - from the Beast, to things shining down and finding Patience, picking her up for $300 after selling my Powerisers, got her running, cleaned her, sold her a few days ago for a $1400 profit and sold her to family. Beautiful people, and that's where she needed to go... then finding out that the RV I wanted to buy had been sold - three days of sleeping in the Green Tortoise Hostel, just hoping for something to come around before all the money was gone again - but gods, this place rocks... and hopefully, today will bring the new RV. It's ugly, but hells - need to get something, need to get back to work on the magazine. Need to hit the road. Ahhh, such beautiful adventures. Suck up every drop of life while I can...

won't they?

ksea — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 05:43:12 GMT

The adventure begins, continues. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, or even time a few moments from now. All is in a whirl… Sitting at Café’ Vesuvio right now, I am compelled to write. Kerouac, Bukowski, Burroughs – perhaps they sat in the same seat that I am right now. So many more, but here I am… I think this is where the new adventure begins, every penny sacred now that I have them, waiting, waiting for that one person to write me back again with news of my new rolling home. Last night staying at the Green Tortoise Hostile, money well spent, but should not have been – but hells, another rung on the ladder, a celebration. Please, I don’t want to fall again… I celebrate, I am terrified, everything hangs on a fragile hinge. I am terrified more than I can convey in words, but for now, I am gloriously happy. A perfect martini at noon to try to forget the eminent troubles, a café that some of my greatest loves sat, drank, and perhaps wrote at. I am here, and perhaps, for now, that is all that matters. Here. Now. Nothing Else… Nothing else. Everything else. I’m terrified, but Things will work out, won’t they? Down to seconds. This is a beautiful time for writing, not so good for living this way – but still, somehow, there is hope. Somehow, someway, somewhere…. I am a strong motherfucker – purely by accident, but it seems to work…

fragile...

ksea — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 09:59:19 GMT

Every second means worlds, every minut I hope for the next step in what I have died to believe in. Not died, grown. Is there any difference? Shed the old, embrace the new. Transform. Believe in something better with all of your heart, all of your soul, everything of everything You or I have ever been - and reach. Reach blindly. Pick at the scabs of everyday life, scraping the skin until it bleeds, hurts, is not a part of me anymore. Clean the chunks of flesh from the fingernails and try to beleive that this is going somewhere, and then suddenly, in beauty - know that nothing matters. I've been obsessing over my baby, my magazine. I don't have what I neet to give it what it needs. Many things, many things... In a hostel tonight - the first warm night for far too long. I sold my RV today to family, and now, waiting for an answer from what I can buy now - am sleeping in a Hostel in North Park. This is not the live I ever though I would want - but if I died tomorrow, I would die happy - yet incomplete... Waiting for a word. I sold Patience (her name) for a good profit, growing. I have not yet heard back again from the new guy with the new RV I can now buy. All of this from a measly 3 bones from selling my powerisers. Fragile. I am never sure how much I love or loathe the life I have chosen, only that it would only be this or nothing. This is it, this is me, nothing less than 100% of all that you may hate or love... And I will give nothing less to you... But - I know how much I would give for everything I dream of. There are no fairy wings, there is nothing but the harshest truth. That's where it get's ya' babe. It sures as fuck aint easy - but I think - I desperately want to believe - that somehow, in the everything I find in my life that makes sens, that it is worth it. If you don't feel it isn't, then you haven't tried. I do, and yeah - I try. I do...

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