This is my latest cover letter to Dave in reply to his ad:

We are searching someone with vision. Super creative, super ambitous task oriented individual for a brand new chicago based company. Although you would make little money at first you would be a very important 3rd member of our team and your upside potential could be astronomical. We need someone who has VISION to be able to see the greatness of what this company can become. We need positive thinking, goal oriented individual. Someone with great potential and expertise in web design and management,research, good comunication skills, ability to allways think outside of the box, and who is never satisfied with anything less than perfection. If your hungry please send me info about yourself and why you would be a key to our rising to the top. If I like what I see, I can then communicate with you further and tell you all about us and the pot of gold we are sitting on. Dave
* Location: chicago


SUBJECT LINE: I don't know jack about html.....

Dear "Keeper of the Pot of Gold" (Dave),

As the subject to my email reads, I don't know anything about how to actually write code to make a website get those clicky button thingies on it. Don't they graduate people out of universities with that kind of skill who you can hire? Actually! They do! I have a friend who makes $75 an hour doing that kind of thing freelance.

Yeah. There's no way I'm worth that kind of money.

At least not yet. That's mostly because I'm an emotionally disturbed pot head who spends way too much of my creative talents manipulating men who aren't good enough for me anyway to not call the police to make me leave.

You think I'm kidding?

Well, okay. I mean there's no record of it. I hate how employers make you PROVE everything all the time. That's why I have to write one of those extended resumes so you can't readily see how often I've sat around unemployed writing novels and making publisher and INDesign documents that no one but me and my friends will ever look at.

Listen, I've got an AA and practically a BA but I gave up until such time comes as I can figure out what the hell kind of job there is that pays someone to be like, well, me, basically...which is why I've thought of just starting my own company, but I've done that a million times and have failed miserably. It's those damn numbers.I just want to MAKE SOMETHING, not worry about selling ads or collecting revenue.

Well I am going to attach my resume. It's basically just a bunch of made up shit that I can't prove. And NO you CAN'T touch my sword. I'd be surprised if you can even see it because to most people its invisible....of course you *ARE* the one sitting on a pot of gold, so who am to judge....If you can see my sword....you can touch it, okay?

Tell me the truth...is this the first time anyone has used the word "shit" in a cover letter?

And you may think this is complete joke. But you did say creative. You want creative so you almost HAVE to accept a little crazy. I don't play corporate games b/c I don't HAVE to. No one pays me a ton of money every year to nod my head as creative director when the boss says that *his* idea is more edgier than mine....That's why I won't ever fit into those places. I don't play those games. My work has integrity, authenticity, it has grit and raw, you can almost feel the heat of the blood dripping from it....I'm a real writer, a real artist, I'm a throwback to the beatniks....my photography is my soul and everyone wants to possess it, ya dig?

When it comes right down to it Dave, if you want that pot you're sitting on to have gold in it when you get up....you need someone who NEVER EVER uses the phrase "think outside the box" in an ad searching for someone who "thinks outside the box"....

Don't be mad. My honesty is something you would be paying me for.

XOXO,
Alea