What right do I have to speak about angels
unless to encounter one in the act of speaking?

It is my birthday. Thundering. I am thirty-one.
The dragon howls at the gate.

What happens on your birthday
foreshadows the whole year.

The ancient battle is enacted here
in my own yard as the lightning flashes.

And now the rain, that ruster of bicycles,
rides against the window.

We are seeds. We are nothing. Huddled
in the dark armchair. It is a glimpse

of that impossible Michaelmas, where leaves
are more than falling one by one away.

It is a storm of angels. To wrestle with,
As I do now in trying to speak about them.

(paul mathews- the ground that love seeks)

I was dead, then alive.
Weeping, then laughing.

The power of love came into me,
and I became fierce like a lion,
then tender like the evening star.

He said, 'You're not mad enough.
You don't belong in this house.'

I went wild and had to be tied up.
He said, 'Still not wild enough
to stay with us!'

I broke through another layer
into joyfulness.

He said, 'Its not enough.'
I died.

He said, 'You are a clever woman,
full of fantasy and doubting.'

I plucked out my feathers and became a fool.
He said, 'Now you are the candle
for this assembly.'

But I'm no candle. Look!
I'm scattered smoke

He said, 'You are the Sheikh, the guide.'
But I'm not a teacher. I have no power.

He said, 'You already have wings.
I cannot give you wings.'

But I wanted his wings.
I felt like some flightless chicken.

Then new events said to me,
"Don't move..... A sublime generosity is
coming towards you.'

And old love said, 'Stay with me.'

I said, 'I will.'

~You are the fountain of the sun's light.
I am a willow shadow on the ground.
You make my raggedness silky.

The soul at dawn is like darkened water
that slowly begins to say, Thank you, thank you...

Then at sunset, again, Venus gradually
Changes into the moon and then the whole nightsky.

This comes of smiling back
at your smile.

The chess master says nothing,
other than moving the silent chess piece.

That I am part of the ploys
of this game makes me
amazingly happy.


~~~~omnamashivia...~Alexis

First I want to thank, Bhavani, Xylem, Sudi, Freedom, Aravind..all on tribe and others, Evan, Dominic, Shankar, Eric, Tess, & ~Amrita~..for sharing Varanasi with me... Bhavani has written a wonderful blog about the wedding..
OH my... well, i don't know where to begin..pearls!! I am beyond any experience...humbled.

I love bodhgaia!! it is soo beautiful here... i spent hours sitting... crying from the grace... praying with the multitudes under the tree...tibetans, and many asians..more.. the lights at night..surpass anyplace..oh..i the stupa and all around....i could live in there.
and in the mid afternoon, i went for a walk...deep into the opposite direction kind of wandering thru the neighboorhood.. and found a young woman with an acupressure clinic!! she was standing on the steps beconing me very well...!!what?! i got a 21/2 hour full body massage earlier today! and it was the best. total healer.

Oh..later, i was standing against a wall, still watching some monks...and a man lead me to a little buddah they had been paying homage to..he told me it was over 1000 years old and he gave me a white cloth..to put around the shoulders... and when i realized what was happening it was like realizing childbirth started...and i cried and he began praying out loud with me ...i was saying om namah bhagabate basudevay.. and i placed it around the shoulders....

pilgams singing in under the bodhi tree while the stars shine... chanting together.. all different buddists..under the same great tree.. with its many branches..

afterward i sat on some ancient steps emptymindied and watching.. and the women monks just near me... took me to get up and placed me in a praying place just in front of them... i was with all of them..for a long time... with a mala i bought of the arm of a tibetian women early in the morning.. she wanted to sell me something but the only thing i liked was Her mala.. she was content.

inside the most beautiful stupa these eyes have seen...i mean all around the stupa and all over.. it is SOoooo beautiful...every small detail...all the flowers everywhere, inside is a large buddha, wearing yellow with a purple head.. holding a golden globe and soooo amazing.. i can not describe this kind of devotion and pilgramage...

The hindus at the ganga and in the there temple are amazing.. but there is a huge silence here..and beauty...it is just different.

Varanasi has not been easy... and getting on the train..i wondered why i was doing this..and realzing at the same moment that staying is easy...
I've died a thousand deaths..i think thats the yoga..because being born just happens...but the surrendering..levels..in and out...
surrendering..to compassion and warmth..
Feeling such warmth coming from the ground.. when I was sitting?! and grace so closely sitting beside me.. buddah consciousness......love full... life... Namaste... Alexis

I leave for varanasi tomorrow on the "train"/ then fly to bali on thursday...ill stay there for a bit before heading home.. but still.. a week more of india.