My Thoughts are of Great Value to You
Bunny StewSat, March 10, 2012 - 5:06 AM
S: Hey; great. That really means a lot to me.
B: Hah! See? Right there. You never actually respond to me this way in real life. Frankly, I like your honesty better than your sweetness when it's just something you do because you think that's what I want.
S: Are you saying I was dishonest with you at some point?
B: No, no. That's not what I'm saying.
B: Look. Though you haven't said anything about it, at least very little, in the places we used to meet up, I know, or at least kind of sense subconsciously, some of what you are feeling.
B: I know you're angry with me.
S: Am I? All right.
B: You could open up to me, you know.
S: Oh? No; I don't think that's true.
S: I've done that a few times, if you recall. Once at a pretty dramatic moment, in fact. A life-changing moment, so to speak.
B: -and I was there for you.
S: Yes, you were, and I was very grateful. You were the only one. It was an intense scene. It meant a great deal to me.
Then, later, after actually seeing my face, you changed quite abruptly, and so taught me a very important lesson about life, for which I am also very grateful.
B: I hear the anger in your voice.
S: Is it necessary for me to explain something to you?
B: You're angry because of what I said to you, and that I never called you back, or wrote, ever again.
S: Actually I wasn't angry about what you said. I was *hurt*. What you said hurt me deeply. I've thought about it - heh! - actually what I've done is agonized over it, and interestingly enough, I think it was bullshit. I think you said that shit to explain to yourself what you had done to a vulnerable person that you treated like a toy.
Maybe it would be interesting to know that I didn't believe in or seek any kind of romance between us - hell I don't know if that kind of thing is really possible for me anymore. At least it's not right now.
But it wasn't about the future, or a "relationship" - you said a lot of pretty fucking deep things to me - that all turned out not to be bullshit. Another run of pretty lies from another seemingly angelic pretty face.
I *have* been angry, since you told me I'm a fucking "pain artist", and implied that get some kick out of causing others to experience my suffering, occasionally, remembering the bewildered hurt of that. It's pretty minor compared to my divorce, so you can just relax - but I did heavily contemplate suicide again, immediately, that day. That's hardly your fault. But have you ever actually looked at my artwork? Listened to my music? What you called me struck deep. you didn't know that i seriously rankle against being called names, so that's not 100% on you-
but look: the shit you said to me was unnecessarily cruel and just pretty fucking unfair. Why you said it is no longer confusing to me, either. You were fashioning yourself an out. You suddenly thought you were expected to do or be something. But I never put any of that on you. I just thought you were my friend. I have errantly believed a lot of people that said they loved me. In my defense, I would like to believe that people aren't *always* lying about that, but
B: Wow. Yeah. So that's a lot of things you obviously have been wanting to say to me.
S: It's not even half.
B: … but you were attracted to me.
S: Heh! Of *course* I was. You're gorgeous, but that's hardly the sum of it -
you spoke to me romantically and told me many times how you love me - rather often, starting about three months after my divorce.
Really, 'attracted' is a pretty weak and inaccurate word, here. But I never once tried to foist this off on you as any sort of responsibility. if I recall correctly it was I who gently asked you to stop flirting so heavily with me.
Is any of this still mysterious to you?
Do you understand what it was like for me, at that spot in my life, to suddenly see you as not just a flake, but the worst and craziest kind of liar?
So why are you here right now?
B: I'm not.
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You TRUSTED ME?
How did I violate that trust?
I don't understand what I did wrong.
Do you still trust me? I've never lied to you and I won't, because I can't.
If I ever lied to you, you'd believe me and I can't deal with that.
I've never lied to a child; I don't care how old they are.
And I've never made a promise I broke on purpose.
Sometimes you gots to do what you gots to do, no matter who gets hurt, you gots to do it.
If I hurt you, I didn't mean to, but I did what I did because I had to.
That's not an excuse, that's why.
many, many people avoid this basic admission:
"I did as I felt I must do. it was not against you, but with myself, that I did this thing; it is the choice I made - would always have made"
good stuff. the only *true* apology. way to turn josh into jewels, Snert.
Loki, did you do that just to get my attention?
You knew it would would. Please, don't do that again. It upset me deeply.
Sometimes we get more than we ask for that we don't need, and sometimes we don't get enough of what we need that we ask for.
And sometimes we get what we need and don't have to ask, just because...somebody cares.
in my initial comment I was being silly and trying to make a joke. it's the kind of joke I make a lot; it's way less ambiguous offline, I guess. If someone asks me, "may I use the bathroom?" I tend to say "what? No! Gross!!! What the hell?!?!" and chuckle as they stare at me in total confusion as their brains attempt to figure out what the closest fast food place they can poo at would be - until they realize I'm fuckin' with'em.
Sorry. I totally didn't realize it wouldn't sell as well on the internet. I terribly regret upsetting you; I thought you'd get that I was talking about a woman in the blog entry, that there were romantic overtones and it wasn't a matter of -only- friend to friend miscommunications.
If it helps anyone to grok, the only reason I posted it was to get it out of my system. Things are being said where and when they need to be in most areas of my life, but sometimes someone doesn't give one a chance to say things that feel like they need saying; I deal usually by writing a letter-never-sent, but in this case beautiful angel of evil inside me cruelly wanted there to be a chance the lady would see it, and rationalized this crime by inventing the notion there would be some value in the writing itself, which I see now (for reasons more or less unrelated to our dialogue here) is not the case. It's just more narcissistic thrashing, exactly the sort of thing the lady in question was mad at me for doing in the first place, I ween, so, mea culpas all around. I suck. In my defense, I have had a rough time of it. Keenly aware as I am that the thinness of that excuse is nearly molecular at this point, I promise to do better in future and aver that I am, in fact, slowly and sloppily getting my shit together. Today, for instance, I will perform a wedding ceremony (the groom is an old school triber, too)
|Oh, that's right! Today's the day! Please send my congratulations and best wishes to the bride and groom.|
Being silly is cool but I misunderstood.
My fault and if an apology is acceptabl there's one offered.
I like you but sometimes I don't understand where you come from and that happens to everybody everwhere all the time.
Peace on you, Senor!
"Letters I've written never meaning to send..."
Loki, you are my friend and I don't want any misunderstandings getting in the way of that.
But there will always be misunderstandings in any attempts to communicate. It doesn't matter how much or how deep
the feeling, there's a gap betwixt me and thee. Always. It's the difference that makes us.
All we can do is try to bridge that gap.
"I love the friend I have gathered together on this thin raft."