This is the chapter in my life called "being miserable."

Time to go home, take some sleeping pills, and hopfully wake up with a slightly better outlook.

You should be here with me. This site was not meant to be viewed alone.

this felt like one of the longest days ever.

my eyes feel scratchy, and my stomache still doesnt feel normal.



last night i didnt have a drink. i didnt kiss anyone at new years. i didnt do blow, or any of the numerous other thing floating around the club.



today: i was girl crying on muni. trying to keep in together and failing. i lazzed on the couch and watched dead like me. i texted lyrics, with a hole in my stomache. i tried to sleep but mainly just lay there, not able to get comfortable. and then i started driving. i burned through almost half a tank tonight. i drove up to north and tried to make some peace. then headed south. i made apple crisp (or watched rather), and played with kittens, at an old friends house, talking about relationships, music, food, and days gone by.



and then i went home. not the flat i call home these days, but the house i grew up in. in mill valley. i took the long road and ended up at moms old house. i looked in the darkened windows and remembered living there. i loved that house. but its not ours anymore. standing in the street, i rememberedall the times iused to stand there. i drove up to dads house, even though hes not there. i wish i had brought with me a key, although i suppose i could have broken in. but thats not my home anymore. dad redid my bedroom as a studio. i just wanted something familiar and safe. i ended up sobbing on the deck, looking at the mountain. i wouldnt go back to the days of living there, but... we were all so innocent and naive. the world was just waiting for us.



granted im still young and have plenty of time. the 20s are just a strange period. we're becoming who we will be, letting go of who we once were. or at least working on it.



im so tired. im just worried that iwont be able to sleep.