oil change instuuctions

 Oil Change instructions for Women:
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1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
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Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00


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  Oil Change instructions for Men:


1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for  $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Â Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.  Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door   opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Â Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids’ sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Â Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required t o stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Â
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00
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But you know the job was done right!

BAD GRANNY

BAD GRANNY

Free Haircuts
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this -First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left and still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."

An old Italian Mafia Don was dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?" "Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then... pointa to you watch and say times up?"

HAPPY ST. PATRICKS DAY!

The person who was to become St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, was born in Wales about AD 385. His given name was Maewyn, and he almost didn't get the job of bishop of Ireland because he lacked the required scholarship.

Far from being a saint, until he was 16, he considered himself a pagan. At that age, he was sold into slavery by a group of Irish marauders that raided his village. During his captivity, he became closer to God.

He escaped from slavery after six years and went to Gaul where he studied in the monastery under St. Germain, bishop of Auxerre for a period of twelve years. During his training he became aware that his calling was to convert the pagans to Christianity.

His wishes were to return to Ireland, to convert the native pagans to Christianity. But his superiors instead appointed St. Palladius. But two years later, Palladius transferred to Scotland. Patrick, having adopted that Christian name earlier, was then appointed as second bishop to Ireland.

Patrick was quite successful at winning converts. And this fact upset the Celtic Druids. Patrick was arrested several times, but escaped each time. He traveled throughout Ireland, establishing monasteries across the country. He also set up schools and churches which would aid him in his conversion of the Irish country to Christianity.

His mission in Ireland lasted for thirty years. After that time, Patrick retired to County Down. He died on March 17 in AD 461. That day has been commemorated as St. Patrick's Day ever since.

Much Irish folklore surrounds St. Patrick's Day. Not much of it is actually substantiated.

Some of this lore includes the belief that Patrick raised people from the dead. He also is said to have given a sermon from a hilltop that drove all the snakes from Ireland. Of course, no snakes were ever native to Ireland, and some people think this is a metaphor for the conversion of the pagans. Though originally a Catholic holy day, St. Patrick's Day has evolved into more of a secular holiday.

One traditional icon of the day is the shamrock. And this stems from a more bona fide Irish tale that tells how Patrick used the three-leafed shamrock to explain the Trinity. He used it in his sermons to represent how the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit could all exist as separate elements of the same entity. His followers adopted the custom of wearing a shamrock on his feast day.

The St. Patrick's Day custom came to America in 1737. That was the first year St. Patrick's Day was publicly celebrated in this country, in Boston.

Today, people celebrate the day with parades, wearing of the green, and drinking beer. One reason St. Patrick's Day might have become so popular is that it takes place just a few days before the first day of spring. One might say it has become the first green of spring.

Happy St. Pat's day ... a little early ...



Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because
he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find
me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the
rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.


Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found
one."

======================================================================
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to
the first man he meets,

"Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the
wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to
go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the
priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do
you want to
go to heaven?

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to
tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes.. I thought you were
getting a group
together to go right now."

=========================================================================

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and
all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last
his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and
I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told
the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make
a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got
the lumber."
===============================================================


Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and
watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped
the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians".

Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this
several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth
time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the
Catholics across?"

================================================================

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was
dumbfounded to read in he obituary column that he had died. He quickly
phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"





==============================
=========================================

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets
stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells
alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor
of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord!
He's done it again!"
================================================================

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the
bartender,
"Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the
little woman."

"Oh yeah?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on
her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did
she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little
shite!"

!

CATHOLIC DOG

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin'what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was
Catholic?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DONATION

Father O'Malley answers the phone.

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will".


-CONFESSION-

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: " What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."



```BROTHEL TRIP````

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she! looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"



SENILITY

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor.

"Senility is when you forget to zip down."



PEST CONTROL

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

One afternoon
they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said,.. "Those little devils!"

MEET JESSICA!

AKA; Jessica Rabbit,

AKA; MISCHIEF_ONE