Soul surfing

Death

marinka — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 19:16:13 GMT

This ride on the tube killed whatever was left in me. It's not even the lack of air, or the smell of human sweat and breath - it's this collective anger and hate stuffing up the atmosphere. I got off one stop before mine. Dead. As if the tiredness of the entire city of London has just been loaded onto my shoulders. I carried it home like Jesus carried the cross to Golgotha.

?

marinka — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 05:58:21 GMT

who are all these people? they probably mean nothing and i probably mean nothing to them, but we're all pretending there's a lot of meaning in the moment. well, if that amounts to one big illusion, so be it - at least i had fun exploring it.

dinosaur age

marinka — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 17:25:51 GMT

what does it all come down to... someone's real tangible life. a life that makes sense in the big schema of things, lived through historical times - Lenin's grandchildren, brainwashed till 11, and how this ideology slowly dissolved, and we started wearing jeans to school, and it wasn't so dangerous anymore to get caught smoking in school backyard, because what was the worst thing they could do to you? call you a public enemy or something? and I remember the thrill of driving a car at 16. My dad let me take the wheel in a narrow highway where people left their Zhiguli's to wander off into the woods and gather mushrooms early in the morning. August 26th, 1999 - I remember we gathered mushrooms the day before leaving. And then I moved to America, but it wasn't the kind of shock the previous wave of immigrants had. I wasn't amazed so much at the abundance of choice in consumer products, I was struck by the system itself. From automatically flushing toilet bowls in public restrooms to Ombudsband's office of the University of Texas at Austin - a court of law to protect the rights of students (errrr what?!) And it wasn't anything global and historical that I could put in a book worth reading, it was just every-day life. Meeting foreign people and wondering how they've survived this far with their philosophy and their well-organized lives. I got used to rubbery food and demanded excellent customer service. And somewhere in that lulling comfort of american dream I playfully decided to make an adventurous move, just to see what happens if I live in Europe. London was a neurological surgery. With brain transplants installed in my head, a new conscience, and a new pair of eyes. Three years has passed since and it was strange to see american culture ominously grin at me yesterday in a Tex-Mex joint that just opened in the neighbourhood (run by a Turkish American who spoke perfect Russian). ML was annoyed with the restaurant staff for delaying her meal. She bit every last waiter in the place and firmly insisted on her right to be served immediately, despite whatever cataclysms may occur at a London restaurant on it's 2nd day of opening. None of this seems global to me. Not global enough to put it in a book worth reading... yet somehow I know there's a deep message in all of this, some sort of driving force that I haven't grasped yet. And maybe some day somebody will take a screenshot of my memory and tie it into a story of the 21 century (that vain desire to leave a footprint :))... If all goes well, I'll die somewhere in 2070. The new 70ties... a century later. The times of my youth would seem ancient, like black-and-white charlie-chaplin movies - more amusing to me for their primitive technology than their content. What would be the scares of the new 70ties? Will people be afraid of global freezing and over-production of clones? Will we come up with a fair system to let people live their lives? Or will it become more mandated and supervised? Will the grip tighten? Will there be more world wars? Which side would be safer? Which side stronger? Or will we all blow up tomorrow? And there will be no 70ties... we'll fade into dinosaur age.

Which Way?

marinka — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 17:03:33 GMT

I am staring into silent space trying hard to understand where I am... where I left off... Through the sponge of darkness I cannot make out a single familiar shape. I feel panic. I am ready to take action at the slightest hint of danger. My senses are sharpened to the limit. My being is reduced to one state: flight-or-fight. Oh yes... that's right. I'm in America. This is a hotel room. I am here because of work. What time is it? Still too early. Must be jet-lag. Need to pack up - I'm going back to London and then to Russia. There are two days in Reading in between. This week will seem like an eternity. 3 different countries. 3 different roles. I feel like my identity is tripled. Would my friends from Russia recognize me if they met me in America or in London? Three different lives and each one of them has its own familiar routine. Each one is equally comfortable. Each one is a home. Russia, America. And London... where I started off stumbling and almost falling at first... but then moved forward with more and more confidence as I was letting go off the past... and not only of it's characters, but also of its breeding soil - America itself. As my mindframe takes on a new shape old values no longer fit. They need to be put away like christmas tree decorations. It's a new age with a fresh outlook, deeper understanding and a clear direction. I know where I'm going.

wide open :)

marinka — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 07:54:37 GMT

It's fascinating what happens when you look past your instinctive judgements and carefully Listen... truly open your mind and try to peak into another soul... to discover a blooming garden... with colors you've never imagined before, so bright you find them reflecting in your own soul with sunny sparkle :) Love is smiling at me through so many faces, how dare I to ever shed a tear?!

wow...

marinka — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 20:01:35 GMT

I can't believe what's going on around the world. Today I've been scanning news like a Martian trying to grasp the gist of human race. It all makes sense all of a sudden. From a small group of people around me to big corporations, to industry trends, to recessions, to wars and back to people as a human race. 3 million acres of Alaskan forest to be logged to support industry which makes less than 1% of state's economy. It all ties into one big race.... for profit of any kind to benefit a wallet or an ego.

Emotion vs. Reason

marinka — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 15:00:19 GMT

I looove learning about how other people reason, how they choose their values, whether it works for them, and if it doesn't then why. To me the only way to understand emotion is to put some logic into it by shaping it into written words, but you seem to believe that emotion and reason are mutually exclusive:) I'm afraid you're right :)

gawddamn phones

marinka — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 23:52:52 GMT

i can't fucking remember a single time something didn't go wrong with my phone when I travel. If I start carrying two in my purse and five more in my luggage as a back-up will they all fail simultaneously?! I saw a Corona ad in The Sky magazine today. It read: "What's more impressive, it's actually a phone!" yeah.... no shit... truly impressive...

happy :)

marinka — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 01:26:35 GMT

What are truly the best moments of my life? hm.... this very minute I think... :) and all the moments spent with my family :) and amber eyes in the sand-storm! And when V and G were jamming at my flat :) And when Lerka and I lived together :) What else... Riding on Rasto's bicycle :) my mom's apartment in Houston and the lightness of college years :) The day I got the job!! First days of my first serious relationship :) Summer in Austin with Olka :) Austria with Lerka! Oh and V using my thigh as part of his drum set :)

Ghosts

marinka — Sun, 28 Oct 2007 19:00:38 GMT

I knew a fellow once who spent his whole life doing nothing but hunting for a ghost, and it was just a waste of time. Mine's too elusive. Or maybe I'm just looking and not seeing while he's smirking at me from the corner of the room ... Once or twice I thought I caught him, but it was something else... If I take my blindfold off, will I find the room empty?

Flappin on

marinka — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 16:05:16 GMT

I feel like I'm walking in someone else's shoes 3 sizes bigger than mine. No matter how hard I'm trying to pretend the shoes are mine they flap mercilessly. I'm dreading the day when the world discovers I faked my way into them. What a dangerious game... I'd hate to find myself walking barefoot just because I aimed higher than I can jump. Before the curtain falls I need to get my shit together and grow a few sizes bigger. There's a lot of catching up to do and I better live up to my own expectations. It's too late to be drowning in doubts! I already got my foot in the door - so better make an appearance and act like I was meant to be here.... in these shoes - 3 sizes bigger...

Love...

marinka — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 14:44:11 GMT

what a delicious taste she had... what a bright blinding light she is... mind-blowing! Touched my skin like the sunlight touches a cool dark-blue sea in the early morning... its rays gently stroming the surface... tickling my skin... sending shivery ripples down my spine... stretching my lips into a gleaming smile... my whole body smiling... my whole heart at peace...

Chess

marinka — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 21:32:49 GMT

Just one piece missing. Do I really need it? Can I play without it? I could imagine it is there... or use a dummy.

i'm back

marinka — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 11:21:32 GMT

...to a whole new life! How will it be from now on? Am I headed in the right direction? What will I learn? Don't want any more bitter lessons. I hope the tracks are smooth from now on...

Imelda Josefina led the way :)

marinka — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 12:47:25 GMT

I turned off my brain the moment I left work on Thursday night (or maybe even earlier). Imelda and I were to meet in Bristol and fly out to Barcelona the next morning. ...instead I ended up in Oxford (figured it's worth checking out), then made a quick one-hour stop at Didcott Parkway (an amazing place everyone should visit) and finally arrived to Bristol at which point the burden of all further navigation fell on Imelda Josefina's shoulders as I proved to be incapable. If you're curious to know how the trip went, please click here: http://filthykitten.spaces.live.com/?_c11_PhotoAlbum_spaHandler=TWljcm9zb2Z0LlNwYWNlcy5XZWIuUGFydHMuUGhvdG9BbGJ1bS5GdWxsTW9kZUNvbnRyb2xsZXI%24&_c11_PhotoAlbum_spaFolderID=cns!C0228C12BE0D2D7F!687&_c11_PhotoAlbum_startingImageIndex=0&_c11_PhotoAlbum_commentsExpand=0&_c11_PhotoAlbum_addCommentExpand=0&_c11_PhotoAlbum_addCommentFocus=0&_c=PhotoAlbum Things that stood out: 1) Beach massage for 5 euros offered along with hashish and tunicas 2) jumpy Italians 3) the burning rays of Spanish sun... 4) Brazilian salsa (or was it Cuban samba?) performed by a Mexican 5) Sangria drinking contest: Mexico vs. Russia

O2 Wireless Festival

marinka — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 12:00:09 GMT

I have to admit that the first six hours of the festival could hardly justify a 50-quid entrance fee. Making our way through the muddy grass field towards the nearest burger tent in search of dry shelter I was wondering what was it about the O2 festival that attracted people from all over the world... It definitely seemed like a great opportunity for those devoid of talent, taste, voice and ear to get on a massive stage dressed up in glittery spandex and shock the crowd with daring lyrics - "FUKKIN KUNT!! I WANT ALCOHOL! BITCH! BITCH-BITCH! Woohoo!!" Thanks to a foot-long hot-dog we had enough strength to endure the torture and hold out till half past seven. That's when a strong ray of light pierced through the rain clouds, tempreture climbed at least a 100 degrees up and these two shady aliens came out and took over the world. One could tell right away they were up to no good! At first they captured the crowd with a steady low beat, then conquered our trust with "Around the World" mix and then made us all perform some kind of a tribal zombie dance. Our eyes glued to the stage, our bodies twitching to the rythm, our ears tuned to the hypnotizing beat. After a few hours I heard my left knee popping but I couldn't stop! Then I felt my throat scratching from dehydration but I kept on going! There was time when my muscles started giving in, but that didn't prevent the convulsions. I'm under influence ever since... My head keeps bobbing and my butt keeps swinging and I still hear that contagious beat in my ears. I've been posessed! Lerka is reporting similar symptoms from Copenhagen. Pictures of this experience are posted here: http://filthykitten.spaces.live.com/

Am i moving? Am i not moving? Moving where? And when?

marinka — Sat, 05 May 2007 17:57:20 GMT

48 hours ago I listed my apartment with a letting agency which caused an unstoppable influx of visitors into my flat, invading my privacy, taking pictures, asking questions, leaving doors open, looking into my closets, moving my chairs, peaking into my fridge and flushing my toilet. When the storm abated I took another look at the place where I lived for the last year... What's so attractive about its mold on the walls, stains on the ceiling, old worn-out carpet the color of baby-shit and dented dirty yellow couch that harboured so many asses in its lifetime? All that for £1105 a month! Suddenly I heard a key turning in my door lock and a lady armed with a tripod and a huge Cannon walked in. "Oh! Hi! You scared me!" - she said as she marched past me. "I live here... still. I've paid through the end of May. Who ARE you?" "I'm just gonna take some pictures here, for the agency." - she informed me. The tripod was installed in my living room and a picture of me paralized with astonishment was taken next to the yellow couch.

livin on the edge

marinka — Mon, 30 Apr 2007 21:28:15 GMT

I should really do my dishes. The pile's growing dangerously high, with the red pot crowning the tower. If my neighbour slams the door again, the structure will reach its critical point. It'd be smart to take necessary precautions right now and at least wash the red pot. Otherwise pealing that pasta off the walls won't be much fun.

Reality pants

marinka — Sun, 29 Apr 2007 00:19:19 GMT

Maybe realities can not be adopted for eternity just like a pair of pants can not be worn for life, even if it's your favorite. Maybe it is absolutely natural for a reality to age, wear out on the seams and go through that last cycle of laundry before it is finally retired into the closet, buried at the bottom of the stack under the new pair - fancy, daring and worn with a different attitude.

The socks are ON!!!

marinka — Tue, 17 Apr 2007 22:36:05 GMT

When I put on my travel socks I am off to a new journey. I feel passion for an unknown adventure turning my blood into sweet liquor, filling my body with intoxicating vigor making me wake up in Russia, catch a concert in Berlin and go to sleep in London all within one week! Here's what I've been up to lately in case you were wondering why the hell I'm never in town :P http://filthykitten.spaces.live.com/ I hardly remember a single weekend in London since the turn of the year! New Year in Russia, snowboarding in Austria, Lerka's birthday in Amsterdam, all-night-long house-party in Copenhagen, my birthday in Russia, bike tour in Berlin and Prague, Reykjavik, Istanbul, Barcelona and Greece coming up! I have developed a looking-at-your-creditcard-balance-phobia :P I DO NOT want to cancel my travel plans because I looked at my account statement! I'm so into it, it's almost an addiction! And please don't harass me over the filthykitten thang! It was randomly generated by my brain! (makes one wonder where my focus is...)

Home

marinka — Sun, 08 Apr 2007 15:26:10 GMT

This morning was looking for a "cheap" trip to Egypt and then realized that I'm absolutely scared of being alone yet again on my birthday. That I'm ready to pay any money to be where I'm needed on that day! I'm going home!!! Ura! Poslezavtra :)))))) heheeeee :))))) Am I weak because I'm not happy being alone? Every day here is happier than it was in Seattle. My memories of Seattle are all in dark grey teary colours... Like raindrops on a bus window. But here my life is filled with new experiences, new people, new perspectives, new cultures, new shows and festivals, new trips and new discoveries! I'm in London! My god... it'll soon be a year!

watching trains

marinka — Tue, 03 Apr 2007 19:12:55 GMT

D told me about someone who used to watch trains come and go. I thought: "Why haven't I done this before? It must be so beautiful!" D said this is supposed to be a sad thing to do... watch trains leave.. And I thought: "Who decides what's supposed to be sad? Probably people whose life is defined by popular opinion, media, demanding jobs, slow buses, sweaty subways, cheap marketing tricks, popular TV shows... people who condemn what The Church disapproves, wear what Britney wears, adore what Oprah adores, laugh only with the crowd, exhibit grief in situations where compassion is appropriate, shake hands only for profit, and feel accomplished only when public approval is received. To these people watching trains leave Paddington is an absolute bore because Cosmopolitan doesn't write about it. Anyway.... not sure where that came from.. .

paradigm of life

marinka — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 22:04:30 GMT

at the heart of every progress is a desire to achieve comfort, but in a state of comfort one becomes stale if things didn't take a drastic turn half a year ago, i would have kept stagnating. Instead I'm making huge progress every day, moving at the speed of light towards my next zone of comfort. (whatever that might be!)

Illusions...

marinka — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 23:44:38 GMT

...form like ripples on the water surface disturbed by a tiny droplet of rain. They cloud your mind and take you into a world of fantasy with its lulling rythm. It is a state of blissful ignorance and complete detachment from reality. Awakening is painful, but inevitable. Tomorrow someone will wake up from a daydream...

Happy Women's Day!

marinka — Thu, 08 Mar 2007 16:06:24 GMT

Mamka, Aliska, mamenka, Lerka and Olka :) S 8im Marta!!! To the wider audience: Happy International Women's Day!!! Being a product of the Communist regime, the day remains an official holiday in Armenia, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Bosnia and Herzegovina, China, Cuba, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Macedonia, Moldova, Mongolia, Russia, Serbia, Tajikistan, Ukraine, Uzbekistan, and Vietnam, and is observed by men giving the women in their lives - mothers, wives, girlfriends, colleagues, etc., flowers and small gifts. Men, don't forget about your women today!!! :)