May 10th Spring Circus @ the Enchanted Forest

Saturday May 10th rain-date May 17th
Spring Circus
dance arte performance family @ the Enchanted Forest 1412 W Oltorf Austin...'nuf said!
mark your calenders and SPREAD THE WORD!!!
all details @ www.austinenchantedforest.com

Treat Yourself @ the Enchanted Forest April 5th!

The Enchanted Forest is throwing an all out ShaBang in thanks for all who came out and contributed to Art Outside

Treat Yourself!

April 5th
rain-date April 12th, 2008

@ The Enchanted Forest
1412 w Oltorf at S. Lamar
Austin

all details to be announced soon on
austinenchantedforest.com and artoutside.org

Djs, Dancing, Performance, Arte
Mark your calendars and help us spread the word!

Treat Yourself
April 5th
9pm

Call for Art! Art Outside 2008

The Enchanted Forest iz
Calling ALL Artists for the 4th Annual Art Outside Brou-ha-ha!
March 7th – 16th 2008.
To take part in AO08 Go Here- www.artoutside.org

Ladies and gentlemen of the art world, we are seeking any and all creative humans who use their skill and imagination in the creation of aesthetic objects, environments, or experiences that can be shared with others. That is, we are looking for those whose life is art, and everything they do is DIY. We are calling !ALL! make-believers, dreamers and reality re-arrangers. We are searching hi and low for lowbrow-urban-contemporary-pop-surrealism, pop art, op art, hard-edge, lyrical abstraction, post minimalism, which might be interpreted by some to mean that we are looking only for painters, but that is most definitely not the case. For you see, of course, we need masters of typography, sketchers, illustrators, satirical stencilers, screen printing is way cool, and yes, you too, graffiti fools. Do you manipulate earth/land/sand/plants/junk into art? This call goes out to kinetic sculptors, fire sculptors, sound artists bending invisible waves, and video projectionists playing with light. We must invite the minds of the poets and their spoken slam voices, along with improv comedians who mimic the true history of time. Performers “performing” art, puppeteers with their puppets, musicians making sounds. Oh, and least we forget outsider artists wanting to be outside.
We say to you, the Artisans of the world who wish to unite because the world needs ART, because the world’s not right, It is time. Your window of opportunity is now. Our space is your blank canvas. Your dreams are our inspiration. You and your art are invited to take part in this epic artistic endeavor.

The world may be going to hell… So let’s make some art.
To take part in AO08 Go Here www.artoutside.org
and if ya wanna, befriend us here…
www.myspace.com/austinenchantedforest
www.myspace.com/artoutside

help....in manifesting healing

last night i was hit by a drunk driver while driving home from elysium
my little miata is totaled, gone, smashed up
My head hit the convertible latch and sun visor and my left eyelid was cut wide open
but i am ok..i guess
thankfully I was wearing my seatbelt,
and I went to the emergency room with a severly sore neck and shoulders and an almost black eye

The driver tried to flee
but thankfully was stopped due to her fucked up front end of her expensive new volvo
she was arrested for DUI
and her insurance will cover everything

I don't remember much because of all the adrenaline
my life flashed in front of my eyes
I was really out of it

but it couldn't have been more surreal....
one of the cops in attendance heard my ramblings about Johnny being killed 1 year ago this last thursday and said he was at that scene also

I lost it, all composure was gone
and the pain came rushing in

he told me some things i had wandered over in my head all year
details I diddent need to know

now my mind and body are troubled and my eyes are sore

I had prayed earlier in the day for a sign
some help
so much is going on right now
and i had been trying so hard to keep it all together
while it is all pivoting on my energy to manifest
plans made, changed again, and again
situational movements,
relationship turbulence,
trying against all odds to organize things for burningman.....I'm still going..no matter what
even if i'm missing most of my eyelashes
and have a tender gimpy eye;)
On the inside
my heart is shining too pure
and i cant deny the softness and light i feel inside

I will not allow this to change my plans
Thats what happened last year
and i'm still trying to allign my heart and mind
without all that doubt and silence
without withdrawing from everything.

all my thoughts are on healing right now
and i need your help
mind over body
unity in the whole
and all that hippy stuff

coninicidence and clarity is opportunity
and i must manifest my reality
Endless possibility is what i believe.

I am asking the universe to slack up just a little bit
allow me to breath
and heal
at least for a few days
I'm asking for some good
healing thoughts and energy
to be sent my way

I've never been the type of girl to ask for help
or to be very open about my inner feelings
or whats actually going on underwater
I cant stand alone on my independent island anymore
although it has provided me a sourse of endless joys and freedoms
I've had difficulty in letting anyone in
I'm asking for an open heart.

The past year has been so painfully full of doubt and confusion.
and I've struggled with these fears since landing in austin for long enough
I've been too sensitive and forgiving of my new environment
Yet knowing my capabilities,
I have crushed and hidden them away for no one to see
I'm humbled by this accident
and grounded once again.

I will always love unconditionally
and I've learned expectations are not always a bad thing
Nothing can stop my will to try to live
without fear
and without accepting others' doubt.

Maybe this is the sign I needed that I should leave austin
maybe not
the random curcumstances and good choices turned bad, beond my control have confounded me.
I've felt for a long time I'm swimming upstream
in a river thats flowing backwards
We'll see about how the next month or two goes
things are looking so spankin' good
and I have much hope for the future
Traveling will do me good

I have so much to be thankful for and
I'm happy for more road bumps and curves life can throw at me
opportunities they always will be
I guess what doesn't kill you makes you stronger
right now I need to heal

much love and peace to you all
stay safe
and please help stop drunk driving
Open your heart to tell your friends you love them.

-m

*hatu* ....tonight, it's been one year

Pouring down like the rain of heaven
you fell upon the rooftop of this world.
Then you ran in every direction
and escaped through the drain spout . . .

Now the words are over
and the pain they bring is gone.
Now you have gone to rest
in the arms of your Beloved.

-Rumi

It's hard when you love something so much you want to possess it. But we do not posses anything. If you let go of the stone, it will one day become the sand beneath your feet.

-Johnny Smythe

I remember like it was yesterday you saying these words to me.
Your echos are everywhere
I got such a surprise tonight when I found an old email/triby testimonial you wrote for me, but i was silly, and too shy to accept.

We had just been chatting about the joys and fears one must have to be released from prison....of course it's an odd topic, but our conversations were always that random and magical.....

Sometimes it's hard for me to remember what a catalyst this person sitting across from me has been in my life. We're networked now, but not together. I once missed her so much I drew her face on a paper plate and stuck it to a broomstick. The hair was a perfect match.

Mary helps me detox from the adult world by asking me probing questions like, "What did the Jews say when they left Egypt?"

We've been through a lot together, in this world. Just don't forget to hit the eject button.


I think of you everyday, I still send you emails, and in my dreams you still respond
but most of the time, I keep it all trapped inside.

You are everywhere and with all of the people you touched.

Teotu
everything returns,
but dear Johnny...you never left.
I finally see that now.

my best friend
my adopted brother
I love you,
for everything,
for every tear i will ever cry.
for missing me so much also.
for ever,
and ever
all-over and
every-where

Always gentle, always tender, simple and pure, diamonds in the sugar,
your words now float through this world and the next....
through wires and connections
through breezes and old memories
So clear now, they are the words i will always live by.....

"Surround yourself with magic, the world can be anything you want it to be."

Samsara

On the day of your rebirth,
all my love is to you.

Happy Birthday Johnny

Anatta, anatta, anatta.....:)
*hatu*
-m

My dad and I snuck into the circus!

So, I'm not sure why we were driving out by the old abandoned Austin airport, but he saw the big top tent first. My father is in town for his birthday on the 8th and we had just gone to have a pleasant dinner together. At first we were just gonna drive by and check it out when we entered the back way by the performers Winnebagos. It was a small little traveling circus, Chimera Circus from Oklahoma, just the kind that as a kid you wanted to run away with. About 12 performers with minimal staff and a basic 2 tiered rainbow tent. Exactly the same 4 post tent that was in the recent movie Mirror Mask with the flashing "Circus Tonight" all aglow at the top.
Well, we were driving round the back and I peered a small lit up opening in one of the rear flaps. I said that we should stop so I could peer in and see what was going on. Much like when I was with my dad earlier this year and had to stop the car to run out to see the elephants from the Ringling Bros. in the middle of afternoon traffic. I could have stood there all day watching the surprisingly well cared for elephants and vaulting horses with envy. Although I knew the animals were stressed from so much traveling, I stood in awe of such a production.
But on to my story, I gasped as I looked into my new found peep hole. The heroine of the show was just then climbing her fabric tress. Sparkling in her shiny gauze, she twirled and tangled in her sheet of silk, ribboning and billowing as she was spun around the topmost of the tent by her trusty safety assistant. I motioned to my dad to come over and look, he parked the car hidden among the semi service trucks and we snuck under the heavy canvas, under the well worn bleachers, and took a seat. We laughed and giggled at the thought for a second, but were both immediately drawn into the show, cheering this amazingly polished performer with loud claps.
The show went on with some talented but unstylized clowning, a really hot juggler, and a death defying double motorcycle ball of doom. Then on to the setting up of a small trapeze while the dancers and entertainers, clowns included, distracted the audience from the rigging of the highwire and barre being prepared. Vendors sold their cotton candy and flashing l.e.d. wares to all the small restless kids, and my dad and I were giggling with comments of the perfect timing and luck we had to sneak in... synchronicity.
After the intermission, a group of 4 performers were up on the platform, clearly they were all related and had grown up traveling in this circus, learning the trade from dad, who was at the catching barre giving cues to set the timing. These kids could be doing this in their sleep, perfect grace and alot of really technical twists and flips, to call it smooth is inadequate, the performance flowed so well. All along one could tell there were 2 or 3 shining stars of Cirque du Soleil quality, including the shining heroine who did a follow up of an old school style contortion set. This girl could do a back bend Rachel Brice would be envious of, and had the upper body strength, grace, and charisma of a lifelong performer. I was amazed that these few jewels were performing with such a small show, it must have been a family/gypsy thing.
The audience was small and I doubt the show broke even, but as all the performers filed out for the final encore, everyone was smiling and laughing as if someone had just told an inside joke backstage. Such is the romance of these gypsy circus families.
My dad and I had a great time, and while walking back to the car round back, I was given the opportunity go up to one of the lesser clowns and fished out a 20$ from my purse, in repence for our sneaking in. He looked confused, but I just quickly scurried away.
What a perfect night, especially cause I was with my kool dad....
aawwww isn't that sweet........:)

Johnny Smythe my dearest friend and roommate 11/17/69 - 8/11/05

johnny, my brother, my boy, mr 89,
i love you
just as i blurted out that nite i left you in my apt on 10th st. in '94
i expect you to walk in the door any minute
i cant believe it
we made it through so much
our relationship, moving to nyc, becoming friends again
you were the main reason i moved back down to austin
to be close to someone who had known me
through so many phases of my life
i am devastated
kali is beginning to become aware that you are not here
she just thinks you are on a date
i called that nite
aug 11 4 32 am
aug 11 4 36pm
aug 12 1 55am
aug 12 2 55 pm and said i hope your getting laid
fucker,i’m worried
i wish you had just gone to the beach
no more calls from the quix requesting dog biscuits
for ice cream sandwiches and coffee
no turning around as you are changing
i wish we hadn't been difficult with each other the past few weeks
i will always plead with you
to explain myself
you are the only one i felt i needed to
you were such a brilliant boy
i think i can remember my tribe testimonial
johnny is my little brother
we like to explore the world together
and poke bugs with sticks
he is a strong survivor and deep spiritual buddy
if you hear sounds of a native american flute coming out of parking garages
and other urban nooks and crannies
you will know his spirit is soaring
where are you now johnny
you would explain it all to me
i wish i could remember your live journal name
the pages were so beautiful
but you never wanted me to see
cause you would write about me
and all my complexes
i wish i could contact that girl
such a important email that was
you guys would have made
beautiful children
she sent you stinky soap in the post
we both found it difficult to make close friends
and i wonder who else you would want to know
it’s so hard to comprehend
to be alone
you were part of my family and a
true ally
one of my puzzle pieces
who will i tell my daily stories to?
who will always be there?
you were so independent recently
and getting "your ducks in a row"
i know you really wanted somebody's love
and how we would never again work like that
and we understood
it was mutual
we were too close
i know all about your mother
and exes
it hurts me deeply
the pain you were in when i came here
i hope you in a good place
playing your flute
on the beach
with the music
i wish i could have seen your sand sculptures
and the impermanace of it all
i wonder how the new zealand girl will take it
or the english woman in london
you were just beginning to blossom once again from such pain
you were so handsome of a boy
you were my brother
the way you danced
your serial killer eyes
artist
shaman
sculptor
guru
musician
intellectual
designer
programmer
entrepreneur
doggie walker
good speller
i will think of you everyday till i die
i miss you
i’ll never receive another stumble from you
i’ll always have stinky knees
i still have your goatee
and lots of neo prints
i was mary venus
i was with you on your first hit of acid
you did the jaw thing in the mirror
and the pony dance
boy luv pony
a pet name given
out of the silliness
we always had
except
when dancing at a afterhours eyes shut tight
dancing on the dice to jedi knights
johnny i’m sorry....
we didn't see willy wonka blueberry boy
we fought like neanderthals in the cave apt in nyc
i didn't visit you in new zealand
i tormented you with phonecalls about ryan
i probley told you
i love you
face to face
more than any other boy
ive ever known
it came naturaly that way
the Buddhist
mr zebra misses you
your bench on the bridge
misses you
the blue pastel sunset
misses you
the stoop by the cube at astor place and st. marks
misses you
chocky
misses you
and all the mouth words
miss you too
i’ll never forget
las vegas at the circus
our cave
the top of the empire state
the top of the trade center
i wrote poizen on your butt
with the blow up suit
the oil stains in all the parking garages
i just cant sort
all this out
what else could i have said
we spat it all out when you moved in
you know i love you
and miss you when your not
stumbling around beside me
hands tucked in your sleeves
my little brother
you met my whole crazy family
the night after the cave flooded
and we stayed at the millennium
and ate yummy room service
i can still taste it
for we were starving poor in a 4 star hotel
the multiple Polaroid cameras
kfc and the simpsons
smiling paper plates on mops
my hungry sketchbooks and spending months 24/7 in the library
family game nite
all our silly private tribes
i am devastated
there is no one like you to me johnny
i was just downloading old 52 songs
right before your sisters showed up
thinking that you would find them annoying
as i played them
over and over
whirling and dancing around the apartment
you were always my practice audience
for all my puppet shows
and tell me
i was such a dork
i’ll take back all your books to the library
and i’ll choke on your milk and cookies left in the fridge
and i’ll scan the rest of your portfolio
and send you emails of all the things you are missing
i will have to go alone instead
and this time i promise to keep the closet door shut
and buy batteries for the camera
i used to clip your chelsea hair
and bleach it blond
and you took me to ride hoedown in central park
and watch me cry as
you dragged me away
89,boy,pezagency,monkeyplug,johnny
venus,pony,poizen,now just mary
i wish i could remember that cheezy rock ballad song we laughed at
just the other day
yet more
and more
of our music
i cant think straight
i cant even type
it's surreal
it hurts
its so sad
you had so much ahead of you
poof
and then your gone
forever,
not just in a foreign country, or traveling in your old vw
gone forever
i think we had rehashed all the bad parts of our dating relationship thoroughly
i think we had a beneficial platonic post relationship friendship
we flowed so well
dork enough like us
bouncing metaphysicalities off the walls of all of our dwellings
i hope your in a good calm place now
to ease your eternal worry and furrowed brow
to take away the pain
of abandonment
of loss
of love unrequited
of clogged sinks
the sorrow
of mothers and children
of unsolved math and patched code
of not having enough ram
of used up pens and markers
of sisters and brothers
i wish i had your list of your favorite 20 things
i still have mine
and
i know you would want me to figure
the numbers of your birthday
and death
i will
one last riddle you will give me
another that you already know the answer to
i wish you would come home from work and we would draw with chalk around the pool again
my 3am swimming partner
or go to the enchanted forest and stand on treestumps watching us play
i wish i could have 1 more meal of 3am pancakes at magnolia cafe with you
i want a family kali hug
like when i would sometimes wake up crying
from a bad dream
kali did love you more...
off leash
i wish i could remember kissing you
i still have so many old pictures
my favorite was at your 30th birthday
you were the king
and i had orange hair like in the 5th element
but i dont remember the kiss
so many new perceptions of you since then
so many changes in both of us
i do remember
lower east side bars
we would have pineapple drinks
and meet with people from “work”
kerova milk bar drinking jon bennets with cherries
pinball at 7b
darts at ace
all the music
all the dancing
all the inside jokes and squirrels at
sheeps meadow
the first time you took me to the met.
dropping baggies of powdered sugar off the balconys of clubs and watching the rats scurry
sitting upstairs waiting for me to get off work
loving the music
that rave i wore my stiletto hooves and lucky red dress
those yellow versachi corduroy pants you wore
was it ‘95?
the torn old khaki pants i patched up 10 times
your music from that old 303
and the sacrificed turntables
the wooden flute
you carried everywhere
including the tragic night
38 hours ago
it was smashed to bits
we forgot about going to mexico
and living off 5$ a day
everything was going so well here
all we needed was ether-net
i wish you would come home and bake a chicken that i wouldent eat
or make your first date spaghetti i only got once
i’ll make apple pie
from scratch
then we could geek out on coffee and toasties
i would push through the crowd again
and get us in for free
just so we could dance
or see the ballet
i’ll even let you borrow the tent for the party on the 10th
i now have some expensive white fluffy towels that smell like you
and some flowers someone left at my door step
and your super cute boy knit hat with the tassels
and a confused dog begging to go to the park
at 4am
and serious insomnia
and my eyes hurt so much
i cant see
i want to scream naked down 6th
i want to help bugs out of the pool
i want to light all the candles
i want to graffiti your full name down the middle of the street
i want to create my first enemy
I want to lay in the empty bathtub
i want to scratch all the old records we played together
just to hear them skip over and over
I want to pluck out all the flowers from the backyard
before the scorching sun wilts them
I want it to rain NOW
so i can stop crying
my nest is empty
and it is so quiet
like never before
i want just a little bit more johnny
i’ll even bargain for 2 minutes
and swear not to whine
no more breakdowns
no more breakouts
no more self isolation
join in the chaos
we spoke about so much
feel pure joy with a big perfect smile, johnny
nothing hidden
even under a full moon
i cant wait to someday see you again
someday
i hope you didn't suffer
i hope it was quick
i know you cursed his name
such violence
2 blocks from home
who wouldn't want to live here
downtown
perfect neighborhood
best in the city
eskimo
has a whole new meaning
i cant express this pain
i cant get it out
clearly
between bucketfulls of tears
and so many sad songs
my brother
my dear teotu
meowth
namaste
i love you