Okay class, settle in. It's not summer vacation just yet!

Today's lesson is about topping from the bottom: what it is, and why it's bad for you. It won't make you go blind, of course, but it *will* blind you to what's wrong in your personal power dynamic.

So, what *is* topping from the bottom? It's not easy to apply a checklist, really, but the definition is pretty straightforward: it's a self-centered mindset that treats dominance like an on-demand service. This attitude is more common than you might think.

Especially in the S&M world, topping from the bottom is incredibly common, especially among sensation players. Bottoms who enjoy feeling certain sensations, be it thud or sting, or even just the too-frequent endorphin junkies, can easily become "do-me queens" expecting a top to service them.

If a top is getting his or her needs met too, then this isn't really an issue. But in many cases it's not really a negotiation, as the person topping from the bottom thinks she's at Burger King and just wants it her way.

This seems to work for some people, but I firmly believe that being a "service top" is destructive in the D/s realm. How can you possibly feel empowered if you're following someone else's script?

In My opinion, the difference between authentic power exchange and "service-topping" is in the application of contingent rewards. This requires creativity and good communication, but it is *essential* to good D/s.

The key to creating contingent rewards is to link a submissive's desired experience (e.g. a good, thuddy flogging) to the dominant's fulfillment. Perhaps an illustrative example will help.

If the submissive enjoys restrictive bondage, this should be linked to something the dominant enjoys, such as high-protocol dinner service. Perhaps he will have her serve a three-course dinner while hobbled, or use her naked body as a serving tray while she remains bound in intricate shibari. The idea is that the submissive would get what she wants through fulfilling the dominant's needs, rather than simply because it suits her.

Contrariwise, if a submissive enjoys a good, thuddy flogging, a dominant might set up an expectation that his submissive will be flogged later in the evening regardless of how the evening proceeds, but make the type of flogging (i.e. thud or sting) dependent on how well the submissive cleans the house with a feather duster in her ass. :)

As you can see, it's not about selfishness, as ideally both parties are getting their needs met. Instead, it's about primacy: the dominant's needs are the *gateway* to the submissive's fulfillment, and should come first.

Of course, the dominant should try to set the submissive up for success, and has the responsibility to apply rules consistently and to ensure rewards are given when earned. This is the price a dominant pays for having his needs made the primary focus of the relationship.

Non-contingent rewards certainly have their place, but cannot form the basis of a healthy D/s relationship. If you're looking for more than sensation play or public-scene S&M, contingent rewards must be the bedrock of the relationship.

Whether you consider yourself a bottom, submissive, or slave, I firmly believe you will be happier if your significant other makes you work for your rewards. And whether you are a top, dominant, or daddy, you will feel more valued and empowered—and perhaps be less susceptible to top-drop—if you understand how to avoid the service-top trap.

As a reward for listening quietly during class, you may now go enjoy your recess. See how easy contingent rewards can be? :)

Well, if you're new to Kinxism, it may surprise you to know that I've been blogging rather extensively on other sites before signing up with Tribe. So, if you can't find your way through the Internet stacks on your own, I've thoughtfully provided a few links to help you further your historical research:

* alt.com/blog/MasterKinxNV
* bondage.com/i/1372572/blog.html

For the convenience of the faithful, I will ensure that future blog entries appear here on Tribe directly. In the meantime, have a very happy Thanksgiving!