Summer vacation is almost over. A few more weeks, and the School for Wayward Girls will be back in session. So, while school is out, here's something to think about while basking in the summer sun.

One of the biggest challenges in any relationship, D/s or otherwise, is maintaining reciprocity. By that, I don't necessarily mean an equality of give and take, but rather that both partners get what they need out of the relationship. This is particularly tricky in a D/s relationship, where roles often circumscribe the way in which one seeks to get needs met.

I think it is a common mistake to equate strength with either indifference or insensitivity. This can cause problems in a D/s relationship.

In My experience, submissives tend to be very emotional, and live in a state of constant emotional flux. As a result, submissives are often drawn to dominants who are emotionally stable, and can provide a lodestone for them as they navigate an extremely rich—and sometimes disorienting—emotional landscape.

However, it is perhaps a step too far to think that dominants don't—or perhaps even shouldn't—have a complex emotional life of their own. It is all too easy for a submissive to become lost in the forest of her own emotions, and lose sight of the fact that her inner life has an impact on the other person, and on the relationship itself.

This is not to say that a good dominant shouldn't encourage a submissive to explore her emotions deeply, or that a submissive should ever be afraid to express her inner truths honestly and fully. Rather, I think it's important for both partners in a D/s relationship to make sure that the dynamic never becomes so imbalanced that a submissive cannot experience her inner life fully, or that a dominant is unwittingly dragged along on another's emotional roller-coaster.

A good dominant should ensure that a submissive's feelings are validated, honored, and—if not shared—at least respected. Likewise, a good submissive should ensure that her inner life does not occlude the needs of her dominant, and that she continuously strives to meet his needs and desires while honoring her own.

This is easier said than done, of course, but so are all the important lessons in life. The virtue is in the effort.

Class may not be in session, but there are always lessons to be learned. Enjoy the last days of summer!

Okay class, settle in. It's not summer vacation just yet!

Today's lesson is about topping from the bottom: what it is, and why it's bad for you. It won't make you go blind, of course, but it *will* blind you to what's wrong in your personal power dynamic.

So, what *is* topping from the bottom? It's not easy to apply a checklist, really, but the definition is pretty straightforward: it's a self-centered mindset that treats dominance like an on-demand service. This attitude is more common than you might think.

Especially in the S&M world, topping from the bottom is incredibly common, especially among sensation players. Bottoms who enjoy feeling certain sensations, be it thud or sting, or even just the too-frequent endorphin junkies, can easily become "do-me queens" expecting a top to service them.

If a top is getting his or her needs met too, then this isn't really an issue. But in many cases it's not really a negotiation, as the person topping from the bottom thinks she's at Burger King and just wants it her way.

This seems to work for some people, but I firmly believe that being a "service top" is destructive in the D/s realm. How can you possibly feel empowered if you're following someone else's script?

In My opinion, the difference between authentic power exchange and "service-topping" is in the application of contingent rewards. This requires creativity and good communication, but it is *essential* to good D/s.

The key to creating contingent rewards is to link a submissive's desired experience (e.g. a good, thuddy flogging) to the dominant's fulfillment. Perhaps an illustrative example will help.

If the submissive enjoys restrictive bondage, this should be linked to something the dominant enjoys, such as high-protocol dinner service. Perhaps he will have her serve a three-course dinner while hobbled, or use her naked body as a serving tray while she remains bound in intricate shibari. The idea is that the submissive would get what she wants through fulfilling the dominant's needs, rather than simply because it suits her.

Contrariwise, if a submissive enjoys a good, thuddy flogging, a dominant might set up an expectation that his submissive will be flogged later in the evening regardless of how the evening proceeds, but make the type of flogging (i.e. thud or sting) dependent on how well the submissive cleans the house with a feather duster in her ass. :)

As you can see, it's not about selfishness, as ideally both parties are getting their needs met. Instead, it's about primacy: the dominant's needs are the *gateway* to the submissive's fulfillment, and should come first.

Of course, the dominant should try to set the submissive up for success, and has the responsibility to apply rules consistently and to ensure rewards are given when earned. This is the price a dominant pays for having his needs made the primary focus of the relationship.

Non-contingent rewards certainly have their place, but cannot form the basis of a healthy D/s relationship. If you're looking for more than sensation play or public-scene S&M, contingent rewards must be the bedrock of the relationship.

Whether you consider yourself a bottom, submissive, or slave, I firmly believe you will be happier if your significant other makes you work for your rewards. And whether you are a top, dominant, or daddy, you will feel more valued and empowered—and perhaps be less susceptible to top-drop—if you understand how to avoid the service-top trap.

As a reward for listening quietly during class, you may now go enjoy your recess. See how easy contingent rewards can be? :)

Well, if you're new to Kinxism, it may surprise you to know that I've been blogging rather extensively on other sites before signing up with Tribe. So, if you can't find your way through the Internet stacks on your own, I've thoughtfully provided a few links to help you further your historical research:

* alt.com/blog/MasterKinxNV
* bondage.com/i/1372572/blog.html

For the convenience of the faithful, I will ensure that future blog entries appear here on Tribe directly. In the meantime, have a very happy Thanksgiving!