Why am I still so restless ?Mon, May 25, 2009 - 10:36 PM
I got laid off from my job.........was in a bad living situation with a crazy room mate , all the while still dealing and struggling (in a losing battle) with acoholism and addiction.
I asked my parents to move back with them when I realized my life was not going to get any better until i hit some sort of STOP button.
I also knew that my issues werent 100% addiction to substances........but that I also just gave up on life, long ago and used the substances to numb that pain of quitting life.
I again found myself one step from homeless and this time a month away from my unemployment claim actually fruiting me any money.
so i asked my parents to move here. this is probably the smartest thing i could have done in a long long time.
i have drank one time since i got here, and it didnt feel right at all. i honestly have had very little cravings for substances and feel i am now waking out of a bad dream that was my life.
its broken my parents heart although they know im worth more. it broke my heart to have to ask to move here.
yet, here i am. and it could not have come at a better time for them or me.
unbenknownst to me , they have been a bit in over their heads with this project of building their home. they have an acre of land in the hillsides in roseburg. they had a construction company basically do all the framing, walls, floor and celeing........and thats it.
i didnt realize my dad had planned to do all this on his own and i wonder how he thought they could of accomplished this within their deadline.
if they dont finish it by a certain time , the perimeters of their loan may change on cost them more.
there is SO MUCH to do, its astounding.
i have spent every day but one day of rest, screwing down subflooring layers, painting, making numerous dump trips, organizing, helping them maintain their living quarters that are located within a large wood shop built on the land.
they really really needed the help and didnt want to pressure me or my brother to help them. they may have had to hire more people to help them if i hadnt came.
of ALL times for my life to bottom out giving me nothing to lose, this couldnt have happened at a better time.
losing my job and also having no car for months prior to that........left me with nothing to lose by coming here.
so here i am.
in the shit world i built for myself, the timing of the demise of life as i knew it couldnt have been better.
i arrived just in the same week that the hardest labor that was left over began and here i shall stay until its done.
nothing makes my heart more happy than to be here helping them to do this, meanwhile regaining my sobriety and the wholeness that is self. i have been without that for a long time it seems.
this is a symbiotic relationship we have stumbled upon, amidst the love and caring of parents who heard me cry out in fear and pain , and the love that i feel for them and the emotion i felt for missing them so much is one that has ended up in more beauty than expected.
im sorry if i ramble in these sentences.
i am so happy to be here , even as tough as it is for me to contend with.
life has been much much too kind to me and i dont know why i am so blessed.
i have done nothing in the last few years of my life to even deserve a 3rd or 4th chance.........yet it is what i have.
this is the longest i have been sober in YEARS.
other than the one night i drank which i regretted and dont plan to repeat, i have been sober the whole while and its taken me this long here to actually start snapping out of the haze.
ive been so busy since i got here, this is one of the first nights ive really given all this a lot of thought.
i have taken lots of pics though. pics of the new house, the shop, the gorgeous hillsides, the horses nearby, the rabbit that comes to see us every other day, the fish i caught in the lake, etc.
this is a town with like 12000 people but way spread out.
its a small town.
man i am ramblin.
anyways, i am a bit surprised.........and not sure why, in the midst of this all, i feel the desire to return to the bay.
i feel the desire to return to the hustle and bustle. the busy roadways, the crowded streets and sidewalks. the expensive rents.
why is this so?
i actually have no desire to go back to san jose so much.
i long in my heart to move to the coast. i have spoken about this for years now. my desire to move to santa cruz or monterey has been strong. yet, i wonder..........why do i feel the need to go back to such a busy area?
is it possible some of our destinies lay in these overpopulated places?
is there something still there for me? has it just not been long enough out of the craziness for me to know?
i just feel this town is too small.........and i plan to look into the surrounding areas up here to see. i hear ashland and medford are pretty cool.
roseburg is kind of a hick type town with a very conservative old time religious type tone to it. despite the beauty in the land,so far i dont see that same beauty when i reach out to others here.
but i dont know............sometimes i think im still just clinging to past desires and dreams.
at least here i can hear myself think and search inside to figure this out.........i know the answers will come.
if you actually made it through this blog, i commend you.
its long and kinda boring but it is whats on my mind.
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