Naegleria fowleri is technically not 'a' brain amoeba so much as the 'premier' brain amoeba of record. Like most amoebas, it basically goes through life as a single-celled sack of fluid gelatin surrounded by a greasy membrane. This Amoeba lives mostly in freshwater lakes and ponds and at times, is found in heated swimming pools following transfer through bird waste or vector insects. By encapsulating themselves into cysts, brain amoebas can endure harsh environmental conditions such as drying or extreme cold, essentially allowing them to lie dormant anywhere at anytime.

When plunked into warm water, these amoebas come alive in a way similar to sea monkeys and quickly gain the equivilant awareness of college students vacationing in Ft. Lauderdale. Now in reproductive phase, Brain Amoebas maniacally creep around the pond or swimming pool until they locate a food source, usually the inside of a host’s nostril. Once there, it instinctively travels down the path laid out by the olfactory nerve until it seeps into the brain.

Here, the Brain Amoeba uses it's enzymes as a fake ID to get past the blood-brain barrier and now as it enters the club, the real fun begins. Surface proteins activate to tell the Brain Amoeba where the best food sources are and now baited, it wanders along like it's following midgets to a girls gone wild video shoot. At each location, the amoeba drools proteins in a way reminicent of a bulemic salivating in the shadow of a buffet line. These proteins cut holes into cells closest to the amoeba and as the contents of these neurons leak out, the amoeba grabs all the nutrients it can stuff into it's greasy membrane; quickly converting human memories and neurological functions into holes filled with plasma, nitrogen waste and more Brain Amoebas.

The resulting infection triggers the immune response. The immune response has all the effectiveness of a teaspoon of salt added to five gallons of chicken broth. Mitotically splitting Brain Amoebas laugh at your antibodies and internalize any that attach to it's surface. If by chance, some complement proteins are able to bypass the amoebic surface while it's gorging itself on your neurons, the amoeba simply collects them in one area of its membrane, forms a ball and sends it off as a little balloon. The shed membrane acts as a decoy to attract phagocytes, reducing the body's elite repuplican guard to fussy housewives as the amoebas continue to attack the brain like Led Zepplin attacks a hotel room.

As you can imagine, this is extremely harmful to the brain and the person trying to answer the phone or suck down a cup of coffee. A tingly feeling is usually a harbinger for primary amoebic meningo-cephalitis, a condition of leaking cerebrospinal fluids accompanied by seizures, dementia and mercifully, death within hours. Mortality rate of N. fowleri infection stands at 97 percent, with infected corpses garnering extra crematorium expenses to destroy encysted amoebas and amoebas freely leaking out the ears and nose to search for new sources of food.

Of the 'lucky' 3 percent who survive the onslaught of the Brain Amoeba, few will ever play tennis again.

The Brain Amoeba is the official predator of the week until March 8, 2006