Official Predator of the Week -- The Chimpanzee

   Sat, March 11, 2006 - 2:38 PM
In the modern world, where chimps share the house with humans, chimps dress as humans dress and are trained to mimic human behaviors. They star in children's movies, they clown around at the zoo and stalk around in oversized diapers that the civilized humans make them wear.

So in some ways, it's only fair that chimps jipped by the establishment go bad. The shit throwing monkey we're all familliar with is usually a kid. Mature chimpanzees in the wilds of Uganda will steal human children from the edge of the forest. These naive children brainwashed by G-rated movie depictions of the chimpanzee are not recruited as potential Tarzans. In actuality, the gruesome fate these unfortunate children suffer may be the archtypal reason behind such nightmares as the booeyman, another long armed semi-human with horrifying strength. The children swiped by wild chimps are usually found by tracing the path of severed limbs and guts as chimps usually tear off arms and legs prior to consuming the rest of the child.

This is what many humans consider a pet! And for a time, chimpanzees can be, just as a two year old toddler is a sort of pet. Separated from their bretheren, chimps can even become acclimated to the human world and their captors due to their immaturity. When considering the type of person that would choose a chimp as a pet, the spector of sexual maturity in an animal so closely resembling a human child can seem disturbing to say the least. The human/ chimp relationship must be destroyed, with all the Disneyesque bounds of naivete shattered. In enduring the boredom that must inevitably follow, it's understandable that a day must come when this brutal predator of the forests must explode out of it's diapers, tailor designed three-piece suits and tu-tu's and do what comes naturally. And the natural state of a mature chimp on the attack is the state of a demon spawned of the most demented bar-fight imaginable; an unthinking, bloodlusting machine fueled by pure ritualistic malice whose sole objective is to humiliate, dominate and kill their chosen victim in the worst way imaginable.

When clinging to the chest and shoulders of their chimp or human prey, chimpanzees gnaw off the face and chew into the skull with zombielike strength and equivilent mercy. Eyes and testicles are unerringly targeted for removal. Hands that rise to defend these soft parts of the body are shorn of fingers or simply wrenched off at the elbows. Any body parts removed are either consumed or spit into the screaming faces of their victims.

In a recent case, two chimps attacked a man because he didn't provide enough cake at a birthday party. In the course of the attack which followed, the injuries were so varied that the list was broken up and separated between articles. In the typical manner of chimp attack, all of the man's fingers were bitten off. Most of his face was chewed off and all of his testicles were removed. Half of the man's ass was ripped from the victim's body by chimp hands. The chimps tore off the man's foot and bit through the skull into his brain. When one chimp was finally shot, the other chimp was so gleefully dedicated to doing more damage that he actually dragged the body down the road to continue the fun.

Chimps share 96 percent of our DNA. The number of genetic differences between humans and chimps is ten times smaller than that between mice and rats.

The chimpanzee is our official predator for the week of March 14, 2006

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Sun, March 12, 2006 - 7:51 AM
Damn Dirty Apes!
Sun, March 12, 2006 - 12:39 PM
wow. what a way to go. drunk, angry chimpanzees chewing your face and nuts off. i'll think about that before i get a pet chimp.
Thu, March 16, 2006 - 6:13 AM
I saw some nature show on TV about this very subject. It was horrifying. Worst of all, it did indeed confirm my suspicions that chimpanzees and humans are very much alike. Except we don't go around chewing off testicles as much as chimps do.

At least, we don't most of the time.
Thu, March 16, 2006 - 6:36 PM
Actually, that national geographic special was one of the main things to inspire this thread. That and the cameraman crying during the interview when he realized what it was he had filmed.

The chimp films they captured might be as important a document on the state of the world as that nobel prize winning study on the effects of greenhouse gases, but who really cared about that --

Hey, Brittney Spears is preggers again!