A day in the life...

Feel me in the firmness under you...

MissA — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 04:43:06 GMT

"What was it in that candle's light that opened and consumed me so quickly? Come back, my friend. The form of our love is not a created form. Nothing can help me but that beauty. There was a dawn I remember when my soul heard something from your soul. I drank water from your spring, and felt the current take me." ~The Illuminated Rumi Hard to believe its been two years. I still have a message saved on my phone from less than 24 hours before the accident... why didn't I call her back that night? "I love you, bye" ends the message... her great laugh saved in the depths of my phone. March of '07 in a fever induced hallucination, I awoke to parts of my body literally feeling as though they were on fire... I fell back asleep to me begging Missy to let me come with her- "No", she said "you can't. I'm going to Australia. I'll see you in a year." She has not visited me in my dreams since... I expect another visit soon so I can thank her for saving my life that night. I feel her with me in so many ways that even though my mind knows she's gone my heart expects her to come around the corner at any given moment. I love you Missy and honor you for your guidance and support... I would not be the woman I am today without you. XOX

A light amidst darkness

MissA — Thu, 11 Jan 2007 06:05:02 GMT

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of Miss Missy Baron's departure from our physical world. I was not quite sure how the coming of this day would affect me as I have spent the last year recalling our moments together as each year to the day passed. Tomorrow brings the last "year to the day". I look at pictures of myself visiting the site of the accident and I can physically see how sad I was even through my smile. The funny thing about Missy's death is that I felt I understood it from the moment I heard the news. When Missy left us she was excited and hopeful about her future as she truely felt she had found her life's calling in hospice work... I took comfort in the idea that she would be working her magic on the "other" side. (My incredible Missy dream that I had ended just a few hours before our friend Marie left our physical realm... and the realness of that dream convinced me that Missy had stopped off to ease my pain before she aided Marie in moving on to the next form of her being). And not only would she be doing what she had set off to do she would also be reunited with her best friend Lily. For the first time ever I viewed death not as an ending but as a new beginning. Sometimes through laughter and sometimes through tears I have revelled in all the amazingness this one woman unknowingly brought to my life. One thing I have come to realize over the past year is that the pain and sadness never completely leaves, nor does it lessen in anyway. What time has brought is an ability to cope with it, recognize it and channel it in a way that appears less painful... even if it doesn't always feel so. Every so often(these past few days especially) the sadness and tears return... reminding me of the changes that have taken place and the power I have to make the best of these changes. I must remember that everything that happens happens for the best. When life challenges us and the world becomes dark we have to work to find the light that will pull us through. Missy will always be a source of light in my life... reminding me to open my heart, face my fears and live my life. I can still feel her arms around me. I can still hear her deep belly laugh. But best of all I know her spirit is living on inside of me. Thank you Missy for being a part of my life. You have forever changed me for the better and I will never stop sharing your story.

Getting Better

MissA — Sun, 09 Jul 2006 21:21:44 GMT

Hey friends... thanks for all of the love, support and healing vibes... I am finally beginning to feel like myself again... after 4 full days of being pretty much flat on my back, I am still taking it easy but at least I am sleeping through the night now and able to comfortably sit up for short periods of time... driving still sucks but I guess thats good because it makes me not want to do it so I stay home instead. This has truely been a big lesson in slowing down and remembering to take breaks for myself. I am happiest when I am on the go... so many things to do and people to see but paying attention to the little signs life throws my way telling me to slow down need to be acknowledged and honored. For example at the Harmony Fest i twisted my ankle and instead of taking a day or two to let it heal... I just kept going... maybe if I had chilled a bit and let it heal then I wouldn't be here now... but I am and everything happens for a reason...and this lesson obviously needed to be learned. So thanks to all of you who have sent love or helped out in some way... and a big thanks to Lindsey P. for doing my grocery shopping... you rock mama! Love to you all, xoxoxo!

Bed Ridden

MissA — Wed, 05 Jul 2006 21:37:25 GMT

Well friends, Nature has taken its course and decided that I need to chill. The last few months have been really busy and hectic... changing jobs, packing and moving my classroom, endless shows, sewing costumes, building the memorial for High Sierra, working ambiance and then of course enjoying High Sierra to the fullest.... dancing more than walking and running off of minimal sleep. The plan was to return Monday pack my backpack and head into the backcountry today... but instead yesterday while unloading my car I threw my back out for the first time EVER! Damn... its painful I have not been able to do much other than lie around and really focus my energy on trying to make it feel better. I cannot remember the last time I was laid out like this its been years but obviously I need something to slow me down and remind me to take care of myself. Thank goodness for good friends... my friend Anna came over today and straightened my house and set me up real nice and tomorrow I go visit my friend Holly for some healing hands. Please send healing vibes my way... I'm already feeling restless! Love you all, Jen

I'm it... are you next?

MissA — Fri, 16 Jun 2006 02:10:35 GMT

RULES - Once you've been tagged, you have to write a blog with 8 facts/things/habits about yourself, saying who tagged you. In the end you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. No tag backs. I was tagged by Lindsey P. whom I met in college while working for Adventure Outings... leading outdoor trips and attending naked potlucks ;) solidified our friendship and 2 years later the East Bay reunited us... I'm lucky to have her in my life... now for my facts about... 1. I was born on Mother's Day and exactly 2 years later my sister was born on Mother's Day... people often think we are twins or that she's the oldest... sometimes my birthday falls on Friday the 13th... I love when that happens :) 2. I skied on the Squaw Valley Ski Team for 4 years... Tahoe is like a second home. 3. I was a cheerleader for most of high school. My sophmore year we placed 3rd in the USA Nationals in the Coed Cheer Division 4. My wardrobe goes through color changes... I have most recently been moving from green to blue AND I love anything that is sparkly or glittery. 5. I had my 1st "business" venture when I was in fifth grade called "Sweet Pea Creations" with my best friend, Nicole, sewing and beading necklaces we made $50 each at our 1st craft fair and we were stoked. 6. When I was 3, I covered my sister and myself head to toe in vaseline while my dad slept peacefully next to us and my mom was downstairs cooking dinner. When my mom found us and tried to pick Lisa up she slipped right through her hands... I on the other hand had slicked down hair for about 3 weeks. 7. I was a whitewater river raft guide for about 3 years in college guiding mostly on the the Feather river and Trinity River in Northern Cali 8. I love to sew and craft in a variety of ways... especially working with beads, wire and items from nature. BONUS! My 1st concert was the Beach Boys with my parents and sister at Cesars in South Lake Tahoe... I instantly fell in love with Mike Love. I'm anonymously (sp?) tagging in case others don't want to play!

The Interview...

MissA — Sat, 03 Jun 2006 22:43:28 GMT

THE GUIDELINES: 1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me." 2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions. 3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. 4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. 5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions. Five questions for Jen from Gretchen: 1. What was a memorable experience you had working with kids in the outdoors? There have been many but I have to say the one that stands out to me would be from this last year. A coworker and I started up an Outdoor Adventure Club at our school that met 1 Saturday a month and we would take a group of about 12 kids hiking for the day in various Bay Area locations. On this particular day we had gone out to Ano Nuevo to visit the tidepools and elephant seals. (This was also just a few weeks after Missy had passed and my students were all aware of what I was going through) There were about 6 of us that had walked out further than the rest of the group and after watching some of my most difficult boys and annoying ;) girls fully helping each other climb over rocks and keep balance... the clouds off in the distance opened and the sun cast this bright circular glow on the ocean... as we were standing there I had this overwhelming feeling that Missy was with us so I said "Lets all say hi to Missy" and the kids erupted... they all started shouting "Hi Missy we Love you" and were all jumping up and down hugging one another... they were so in the moment and they felt her love as much as I did. As they started to head back to the group and I spent another moment sending my love out, I truly felt the power of the outdoors connecting us back to the earth and our beginnings. As I headed back one student that I struggled with all year in terms of self esteem and positivity looked up at me with the biggest smile and said "This is SOOO much better than going to the movies!" and I had to agree. 2. When/how did you first feel the "Butter Family?" This is a hard one but I think I would have to say the Fall Meltdown in Yosemite. So many of us were meeting face to face for the first time and it was so incredible to all be together. There was about 5 women who gathered at my house the night before we left and then we met up with another 5 in the morning for a huge caravan up to the fest and then all weekend just exceeded every expectation. After going through a period in my life where I felt very alone and weak, I all of a sudden was surrounded by so many friends and I also realized that weekend that I held the power in making my life what ever I wanted it to be I just had to open my heart and put my love out. 3. What do you love about backpacking? What don’t I love about backpacking! The connectedness I feel to the earth and nature, the confidence in being able to survive out of a pack for days on end, sleeping under the stars, watching the sunrise, using a map and compass to navigate my way, finding cool spots and wondering if who else has sat and contemplated life at this very spot, naked swimming, recognizing how small I really am, realize the strength and endurance I hold, fields of wildflowers, crossing rivers(it can be so scary), not caring about fashion, my hair or shaving my legs, filtering water from a stream, gourmet cooking, taking my boots off after a long day, soaking in a backcountry hot spring, the lightness my body feels when I take my pack off, finding “secret” spots, falling in love with the desert, feeling at home in the mountains, making a snow kitchen, but what I love the most is the personal growth and life connections that are made when we can step out of our daily routines and fall in sync with our earthy roots. I am always forever changed after a backpacking trip. 4. Who were you before you were you? Okay so this one requires a bit of thinking… I feel like I am in this process of opening up and revealing my true self… but it is also difficult to see a defined before and after. I feel as though I am constantly in this state of change or endless transformation. I am currently working on honestly expressing myself and developing my strength as an independent woman. For most of my life I have expected that when I reached this stage in my life I would be married and having children… well I am not there… in fact I am no where near there. So what I am realizing now is that I cannot plan, expect nor depend on these things to be a part of my life… I have to live it to the fullest, be at peace with the cycle of the ups and downs and have faith that when the time is right things will happen. So that being said this is still kind of hard because who I WAS before now is still who I am NOW though many of these things have transformed in various ways… optimistic, held a lot inside, love to celebrate and have fun, danced out my feelings and emotions, thought I could do it all, struggled with overwhelming sadness but was afraid to express it to others, unaware of the exchange of energy, put others before myself without stop to think why I was doing this or that I was doing it at all, dependent on certain relationships, friendships and outcomes, compassionate, stubborn, goofy, loving, struggling to find a balance between: being carefree and having responsibilities; work and play; the adult me and the child me, and understanding with sex and intimacy one does not necessarily bring the other. Does that answer the question?? 5. Describe your favorite scent. Easy! Gardenia… I cannot get enough of this flower! I love its sweet, creamy scent. I love to close my eyes and bury my nose in its intoxicating fragrance… I often wonder if it would taste as good as it smells… most likely not! I love wearing them in my hair or floating them in a dish… they don’t come into my life very often but when they do they’re a real treat!

An Incredible Dream!!!

MissA — Mon, 24 Apr 2006 19:02:09 GMT

Hi loved ones, Last night I had this incredible dream that I wanted to share with all of you. The past few nights my dreams have been really vivid and real but last nights blew me away... I finally fell asleep at my parents house last night in my old bedroom around 1am and had be up at 6am... when my alarm went off I turned it off and closed my eyes to finish the dream no alarm set but fell back into a deep sleep only to awake 7 minutes later completely satisfied and ready to get up... I'm exhausted today but the dream gave me some amazing energy. I cannot recall the last time I dreamed one dream all night and was able to remember so much of it. I dreamt that after all of this Missy came back to life and I guess in a sense last night she did. We hugged, smiled and cried... and then came all of my questions... First I asked her "How did it happen? Did an animal run out or what?" She shook her head no... All of a sudden we were at the site of the accident and she replied "it was much like it is now" with that it began to rain lightly... "So it was raining" I said... she shook her head yes and said "it just happened" I then asked her "How did it feel? What were you thinking" and she said "I went to get up and my body felt very light" As she said this I saw her spirit floating in front of me. We were then transported back to a house where there were a lot of people waiting to see her... she spent a lot of time talking and hugging people but then became very overwhelmed and seem to disappear at this point. I then remember speaking with a man who told me it was just to much for her but that I should go find her. I then found myself in a room with her and Annalee... there were others there but I didn't notice who they were. We hung out there for awhile... and then this is where it gets a bit foggy and wierd... but dreams have a tendency to do that. I was driving on a track out in the middle of the desert... there were three tracks two for cars and the middle one was a train towards a large structure far off in the distance(very reminicent of Burning Man)... I'm also not sure if I was alone here... but driving fairly slow the train flew by incredibly fast and then disappeared... When I arrived I was at a museum gathering information for a field trip. I then remember arriving back into the same house as before with MIssy we were entering a bedroom to go to sleep when I noticed our friend Nat asleep in the room I remember Missy saying "Shh I don't want to wake him" I smiled and remember thinking "ya right" Nat slowly opened his eyes and focused on Missy realizing who was before him they both smiled and hugged for a long time. This is where my dream ended. The beautiful part is that I have been very patient waiting for Missy to visit me and last night exceeded all expectation... I woke up feeling as though we had really hung out and spent quality time together... and in that time she answered so many of my lingering questions. I should have known she would come to me yesterday as Saturday I listened to the HBR Georgia show and really heard Missy's Heart for the first time(I also heard it in Lonetree but the tears and saddness were so strong at the moment that I didn't remember any of it) and all day yesterday I was singing "Missy's heart is beating. Missy's heart is strong. Someone's got my Missy's heart. Someone sings her song." Just a reminder of how strong her presence is... I love you Missy! And I love you all thanks for being such beautiful friends and giving me so much love and support... I hope that I am able to give to all of you as much as you give me. Remember to hug friends, family and strangers a little bit tighter and when you feel the love share it! xox, Jen

A Missy Adventure

MissA — Sat, 01 Apr 2006 02:32:28 GMT

“Friend our closeness is this: Anywhere you put your foot feel me in the firmness under you. How is it with this love, I see your world and not you?” - Rumi I miss Missy. Most times I feel a connection to her that reminds me to pay closer attention to what is going on around me in order to interact with her. A rainbow, a sunbreak in the clouds, hugs… all of these things now send my thoughts to her and bring memories flooding back… but then I still do things like get excited when I see cheap airfare to Athens… In an effort to make all of this more real and find a sense of closure, Angela and I decided to take a day trip out to the memorial and site of the accident, complete with a stop in Lovelock, NV and lunch at The Cowpoke Café. As we started our drive we hoped for clear skies as the forecast called for rain and we knew a drive of 5 hours each way wouldn’t happen with snow and rain… our hopes were answered with sunshine all day. As we drove east, I was consumed with thoughts about Missy’s final days… these were her last vistas, where did she stop along the way, who did she interact with, what was she thinking??? Knowing that she stopped at the Cowpoke Café in Lovelock, NV on Tuesday, Jan. 10th and sang some of the HBR song “Limbo In Lovelock” to the waitresses we decided that we should stop as well. After we finished lunch I told Missy’s story to the waitress and she allowed us to place one of Stacy and Phil’s “Hugs Not Handshakes” posters in the front window. I felt all jittery and nervous but I could feel Missy’s energy in the café and hope that Missy’s story continues to be passed along as people ask about the poster. As we drove through Lovelock back to the freeway we rolled down the windows, blasted “Limbo” and sang our heats out. Another 4 hours down 80 and we reached the site. We followed Papa Phil’s directions and parked right before the guardrail… I spotted the memorial as soon as I climbed from the car. With the snow melted and the ground saturated we found ourselves ankle deep in mud and sliding down the hill… I know Missy was laughing just as hard as I when I realized (despite my persistence) I would have to find another route to the memorial… shoes, knees, hands and camera covered in mud Ange and I retreated and walked further down the road until we could safely climb the hill. It felt good to be there… we straightened up the area a bit… repacked the dirt around the post, buried the empty 2 Buck Chuck bottle and filled it with fresh flowers, found Stacy and Phils flowers and added the bow from their bouquet to the wreath, and found another little bundle of flowers that had blown away a bit. I blew glitter all around the memorial and we signed the wooden post (we left a sharpie in the wreath so when others get out there you can sign it too). I was really happy to see how well the wreath has held up (thanks butter for setting this up) and it was even more special to see all of the additions from other visitors… crystals, shells, a necklace and ribbons… I hope that people continue to add. I also found it interesting that the only text that survived the winter on the wreath was the butter lyric “Further down the road we’ll meet again”… because that is the one thing I’m sure of. Angela and I spent about an hour there… laughing, joking, singing, dancing, crying we had our own little ceremony and it has definitely helped bring me some closure. As we climbed back in the car and drove west the sun was setting and clouds were gathering however there were two round openings in them and it seemed as though there was a large pair of eyes looking down on us for the next 30 minutes of our drive… Missy was there with us and she is with us always. We YeeHawed our way back into Cali and I felt a deep peace finally resonate with me. We can’t change the past but we have the ability to steer the future which ever way we chose and Missy has helped me recognize my fears and step past them… “Live your Love. Love your Life” I know I am and do! xoxo, Jen A P.S. Check out my photos from the day here: http://www.snapfish.com/share/p=43311143854960072/l=89387348/otsc=SYE/otsi=SALB

Words to Live By...

MissA — Wed, 09 Nov 2005 19:08:13 GMT

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded." -Ralph Emerson FOsdick

A beautiful thing...

MissA — Mon, 07 Nov 2005 21:33:13 GMT

Last night I turned on the tv to watch the 2 hour Extreme Makeover Home Edition.... The family... a single mother who has adopted numerous children with disabilities over the years... as I am watching and getting all teary eyed I realize that 2 of the girls are VERY familiar. It turns out that they were in my cabin for 2 weeks back when I was a camp counselor for the summer in La Honda. They were the most amazing little girls with very positive attitudes(not once did they complain about a thing), they were born without legs but they wore flip flops on their hands and walked around using their arms... Xenia even climbed half way up the climbing wall only with upper body strength. When we went on hikes we wore backpacks that they sat inside of... and here they are 7 years later on tv... needless to say i sobbed myself silly their new bedroom had an elevator up to it and a bathroom with low sinks and tub that had a door on the side. The girls looked amazing and they have been raised so well... Xenia cried when she saw a sink in the kitchen that she could actually use and not because it meant she now had to do the dishes but because she could now do the dishes by herself... What a beautiful world we live in that people reach out to those most deserving and make the world a better place for them.