My whole life i have had problems making and keeping friendships, I don't know I think of myself as someone who should be able to have friends and keep them. The latest thing that has made me think this is, I met a person at a party we hit it off well enough, and they invited me to hang out, I did it was fun. Then we made plans to meet in SF to go shopping. I was there, they weren't. They did leave me a message the night before after I had gone to sleep, not saying it is off looking for confirmation, and yes it was my fault that I didn't listen to the message. I did not recieve any calls the day off, and my 4-5 went unanswered at the time we were going to meet. I sent them a note expressing my feelings of being hurt for being stood up, and then also said I didn't want to talk about it anymore it is water on the bridge and that I wanted to move on with our friendship. That all sounds right to me, help me here folk...They called me and said I had no right to say what I did, it was the rudest email in the world, (I'll send it to people cause I would really like another opinion) and then they said they didn't care about my feelings and that is when I said good day and hung up. I don't want friends who don't care how I feel, so I guess I better off with out personal contact with this person, I don't have any ill feelings toward them I really thought this was the best way to handle something, you speak your piece, they respond and then you both move on. I don't understand people, it is so hard to get that feeling that there is something wrong with you out of my head. If there wasn't something wrong then how come I can't maintain interpersonal relationships. It seems everyone that I meet in life eventually fuck me over in some way, then when I try to talk to them about it gets flipped back on me that I am the asshole for having feelings and thoughts, what should of I done? Not say anything and let it eat me alive, sugar coat it and become a superfical smiler/hater behind closed doors, or speak my piece, which I thing I do respectable, I don't throw useless insults, I say things like, I felt this when you did that, Things that happen made me feel this way, never your an asshole, your worthless.
I also admit when I make mistakes, and own guilt prolly alot more then I deserve, and still people contiune to walk on me and treat me like shit, I can understand why someone would go into a college and shoot up 30 people, I have not been driven to that point nor do I condone or approve of those actions, but I can understand it, I feel myself wanting to lash out, lash out at anyone I don't care who, I feel like I want to make everyone or as many people as I can hurt the way I hurt.....
What is so sad is the hurt doesn't really go away, it seems to be contiunously refilling itself, as one thing hurts less and less, something else comes into the fold or grows.

Now its time to be with my tears......

So it has been a long 5 1/2 months, however the end is almost upon me. Only 14 days left I have so many great things waiting for me, that it is harder and harder to wait. But, no matter what I will have to wait it out and things will be back to normal for me pretty soon. I have had a few eventful things happen to me, however, I did a usual Monika freak out about one of them, then like always a couple of days later it always seem to not be so bad. There are obstacles in my path and I will face them one by one until they are all gone. Looking foward to seeing all my friends, and most importantly I am looking foward to seeing cocks that aren't my own, and some verticle smiles. Dam I am so horney, I think I can screw or lick anything right about now. I do not know how survived so long with out getting laid. School is going alright, I should still be able to go to SF State University next semester, I am really looking foward to that. Other then that not much going, see you all later.

Much Love

Monika