You who never kill but only change:

I pray that my exuberant, suave and accidental words will move you to
shower ferocious blessings down on everyone who reads this
benediction.

I pray that you will give them what they don't even know they want –
not just the boons they think they need but everything they've always
been afraid to even imagine or ask for.

Dear Goddess, You wealthy anarchist burning heaven to the ground:

Many of the divine chameleons out there don't even know that their
souls will live forever. So please use your blinding magic to help
them see that they are all wildly creative geniuses too big for their
own personalities.

Guide them to realize that they are all completely different from
what they think they are and more exciting than they can possibly
imagine.

Make it illegal, immoral, irrelevant, unpatriotic and totally
tasteless for them to be in love with anyone or anything that's no
good for them.

O Goddess, You who give us so much love and pain mixed together
that our morality is always on the verge of collapsing:

I beg you to cast a boisterous love spell that will nullify all the
dumb ideas, bad decisions and nasty conditioning that have ever
cursed the wise and sexy virtuosos out there.

Remove, banish, annihilate and laugh into oblivion any jinx that has
clung to them, no matter how long they've suffered from it, and even
if they've become accustomed or addicted to its ugly companionship.

And please conjure an aura of protection around them so that they
will receive an early warning if they are ever about to act in such a
way as to bring another hex or plague or voodoo into their lives in
the future.

Dear Goddess, sweet Goddess, You sly universal virus with no fucking
opinion:

I pray that you will help all the personal growth addicts out there
become disciplined enough to go crazy in the name of creation, not
destruction.

I pray that you will teach them the difference between oppressive
self-control and liberating self-control, awaken in them the power to
do the half-right thing when it is impossible to do the totally right
thing.

Arouse the Wild Woman within them — even if they're men.

And please give them bigger, better, more original sins and wilder,
wetter, more interesting problems.

Dear Goddess, You pregnant slut who scorns all mediocre longing:

I pray that you will inspire all the compassionate rascals communing
with this prayer to love their enemies just in case their friends
turn out to be jerks.

Provoke them to throw away or give away all the things they own that
encourage them to believe that they are better than anyone else.

Show them how much fun it is to brag about what they cannot do
and do not have.

Most of all, Goddess, brainwash them with your freedom so that they
never love their own pain more than anyone else's pain.

Dear Goddess, You psychedelic mushroom cloud at the center of
all our brains:

The curiously divine human beings reading this prayer deserve
everything they are yearning for and much, much more.

So please bless them with lucid dreams while they are wide awake and
solar-energy-operated sex toys that work even in the dark
and vacuum cleaners for their magic carpets and a knack for avoiding other
people's hells and their very own 900 number so that everyone has to
pay to talk to them and a secret admirer who is not a psychotic
stalker.

Dear Goddess, You fiercely tender, hauntingly reassuring,
orgiastically sacred feeling that is even now running through all of
our soft, warm animal bodies:

I pray that you provide everyone out there with a license to bend and
even break all rules, laws and traditions that keep them apart from
the things they love.

Show them how to purge the wishy-washy wishes that distract them
from their daring, dramatic, divine desires.

And teach them that they can have anything they want if they'll only
ask for it in an unselfish way.

And now dear God of Gods, God beyond all Gods, Girlfriend of God,
Teacher of God, Goddess who invented God, I bring this prayer to a
close, trusting that in these mysterious moments you have begun to
change everyone out there in the exact way they've needed to change
in order to express their soul's code.

Amen. Awomen. And glory halle-fucking-lujah."

-Rob Breszny