My thoughts...... randomly

So here they are.

"The last time I saw you, we were just split in two,
You was looking at me, I was looking at you.
You had a ray so familiar, but I could not recognize.
cause you had blood in your face, I had blood in my eye."

So what am I going to do.... Is the question I ponder sitting here in the dar with one contact in. What is it I am doing? Ah, a far more relevant question. For how possibly could I know what it is I am going to do, when I still do not know what it is I am doing. Then there is of course the question of what have I done? Well I see little reason to ponder this question for long, unless the reason is for happy nastalgia. There is no use in stressing over what has already happened. Livem Learn, Change.

Change, change, change,,,, I've heard it's the only constant. BUt in truth change is only an illusion as everything goes as planned. If everything goes as planned then is there ever any real change? Can one plan for change? It seems to me, if evert..ything is perfect, and known, than their truly is never any "change". There is the illusion of change that we all see, as we think we are moving, progressing, living, suffering... BUt the ultimate plan, fate.... destiny... Pre arranged agreements that occured ethorialy before acquiring a physical being.... Whatever you want to call it, remains unchanged. Would it ever even be possible for their to be change to that which always is? How could something, be it entity or idea, that lives outside the scope of time, ever change? There is no future, so change can't "come".

Why am I even talking about change? Alas thinking about it? This concept holds no real point to me, at least not in my current state. Or is it that I just don't yet understand what the point of this thought process is for me. Maybe I am thinking about all for the shear purpose of writing it doen so someone who needs to hear this does. Who knows.

So what am I doing now? Well the easy answer fo course is typing. Typing typing typing. But why? Why am I typing? Why do I even care to ask why? Am I typing for "you" or am I typing for myself? Well If I am you and you are me, than regardless of answer, Arn't I doing both? I write for both you and me. I love for both you and me. I live for both you and me. Who is you? I don't know, who is me?

Sigh endless stream of thoughts, alone here in the dark... one contact in... (of course one out)... In Walker La, of all places. How on Earth did I end up in Walker Louisiana. I remember when I was young and learning the states and their capitals. I never would have guess I would end up here..... But that is how it goes isn't it? Noone ever truly knows where they will be in the future. One can have a plan, one can have good ideas, one can have hopes and dreams... But the future, and almost more omportantly the road to the future are always unpredictable.

Even if given the gift of foresight, you never know when you will be just wrong. Maybe one day you will have a vision, you will see something amazing, or horrible that is "supposed to be". You have had visions come true many times in the past, so of course you belive this one as well. Well, what if this vision is wrong? What if this vision was designed particularly with the idea of being wrong. What if this visions being wrong serves you a far greater purpose/lesson than if it were right? Well than you will be wrong. Noone ever knows.

None the less.
Plan, Dream.
Create.
Live, Love,
Enjoy.
Learn, do....
Not neccessarily understand,
But think figure, be.

You know I am writing this for you and me... As I said earlier. Everything that is done is done for us all.. We are all one afterall. Hurting someone else is hurting yourself. Hurting yourself is hurting someone else. It's not a give/take..... It is love/be loved. No suffering required.

One Day.

These random thoughts brought to you with love.
-From me

One day

One day I will be
With her
Happy.
Her being me
My other half..... Whoever she may be.

One day I will feel....
Good as new..
Alive.
Real.

One day will come..
One day will come..
One day too late?
Or just on time.

Will it be beautiful, will it be amazing?
Will it be regular, boring, dull?
No... No matter how it comes, it will be amazing....
If it comes.

My other half, I still search...
Though I still think I already found you.
I still struggle with mmy thoughts.
I still search.
Maybe my heart is wrong.
Maybe I just don't know how to hear my heart properly.
It doesn't matter honestly.
Just one day....

One day she'll find me.
One day, we will be one.
One day She will let me fulfill her dreams... As she will mine.
One day will come.
One day will come.
One day will come.
I repeat this over and over again.
Maybe one day I will believe it.


Will one day ever come.
I don't know.
Tomorrow WILL come.
Maybe tomorrow will be that one day.
Maybe it won't.
Probably it won't.
..........But maybe it will.

love to all
-me-

Memoria

Nestalgia of times that's passed....
Dreams that never came to be.

Memories that will always last.
When you were here with me.

Troubles of the here and now,
and to where I'm on my way

For I don't know where I'm going,
But do not want to stay.

This place in time, assuming time is real...
Thoughts that spin... they move.... heal?

A heart that speaks upon death ears,
Not just mine but all of theirs.

For now I'm done, mind not set right...
I may be back tomorrow night.

<3

Love

Ah Love...

Where does one even begin with a topic so broad? How does one go about explaining a feeling unexplainable? A feeling worth giving up "everything" to gain the true everything?

Many poets try to explain love. It is that feeling in the back of your head that just glows. It leaves a person speechless. To find love, true love; it is what we are all at least subconsciously searching for. I know personally, it has been the focus of my goals since I was about 6. Someone to hold, someone to always be near me, someone to want everything I want, but in a different enough way so that it remains interesting. Someone who would give the world for me, for I know I would give the world for them. As I si here typing in my state of lonesomeness, I know that true happiness comes from within. Though I can't shake this sadness, for the truth is I love being held, and I love holding.

Maybe I am still not ready for that relationship, maybe I never will be, maybe no one ever is. This feeling that is supposed to make life worth living. "You make my life worthwhile" "I would give the world for you" Well what about those still missing their "you"? Is here life not worthwhile? Surely there must be something else... Many would claim that it is the thrill of the search. I disagree with this claim, and I am sure that many would agree with me when I say that the search is painful.

As I said before, I believe true happiness needs to come from within. Love oneself, and then others, and when ready, your one will come o you. This may be one of the hardest things in the universe to learn, and an even harder feat to accomplish. To be told that the greatest thing in the universe is something that as long as you are looking for it, you will never find it. To learn to just be happy alone, and then you get the gift of true love.

This ideal gets compounded in difficulty when you add to it the pain of a lonely heart. One of the hardest pans to ignore. One of the deepest hurts one can feel. How does one look past this sadness? I know ignoring it is not the right answer..... Trying to embrace it for creativity works for only so long. A simple delaying of the ache inside.

I've been told that God is love, and love is God. Well this would make sense. Both are impossible to describe. Both are commonly viewed as the greatest in the universe. Why would they not be the same? But even n this regard, it just makes a broken heart all the sadder. Does this mean that a person feeling lonely feels both unloved by the world and by God? I am not claiming anything religous here by the way, I am sort of just playing devils advocate with myself out loud. I am a big believer that everything is one and that one is God. I don' see it as a stretch to say that everything is love. I feel as though that too is possible.

This could mean quite possibly that lonesomeness, the feeling of being unloved, is indeed the worst thing in the universe. "Hell is the absence of God" Well if God is love, then when a person feels alone, they are in hell. Again, these are just my thoughts in writing... t is helping me think.

i do believe strongly that a person does not need to be dead to be in heaven or hell. I honestly don't believe anyone ever truly dies, but that is for another time.

Sigh.
Love.... Love... Love....
How I miss thee.
I wish to be able to feel love from everything.
If everything is God, and God is love, why can I not feel love from everything/anything? What is so embedded in my mind that I feel this way?
Is it because there is a different kind of love? A unique love? A greater love? One between two individuals amist the everything? A love within love. Is that what I am in search of? Is that why I feel alone? Is the key to find this love within love simply just to connect with the love all around first? If so, How does one do this?

It is no secret that love, when pure and true, is everything. love is all a person truly needs. I know I would give up all I have to be with my one true love. The answer to all my dreams. Afterall, stuff is just that, stuff. It can be replaced. After all, with ones true love, comes happiness. I believe that everything falls into place when one finds their love. career, money, heart, soul, life.

Well I am going to go back to staying up way too late, thinking way too much, and searching way to hard for something that I will only find when I stop looking for it.... And I wonder why I have no motivation and feel apathetic so much.
Well regardless, I love you all. I don't care who you are or what you have done, for when you act ill you do so of ignorance in one way shape or form. Everyone deserves a meaning to life, so I love everyone. With love to all... me

mostly just for me

I am writing this now because I feel horrible and I need a place to vent...

So why am I so miserable right now? Is it because I miss Aerie? Is it because I feel as though I fucked up with Erin? Is it because I feel completely worthless? Maybe I just feel like an all over failure.... I feel I have gone through 16 years of school now and still have absolutely no idea what I want to do. I am not happy, and that makes me even more unhappy because I am trying so hard to just be ok... Aerie I am sure rarely ever even thinks about me anymore. Erin has moved on. I miss them both. I miss Erin for the wrong reason though; I miss her because she actually did care about me.... Sure we had differences, but she did love me. Aerie I miss for the right reasons, I just feel we would be perfect together, but that is a loss and in the past... I just need to move on.

I feel irresponsible, for even though I want so badly to support myself, I can't find anything I like doing.

Even in my recreational activities I feel worthless. I am just not good enough at any of them for it to matter. I have fun with them all, but I am just me. Nothing special and anyone that tries long enough surpasses me. It's been like that my whole life. I am naturally good at everything I do, but anyone can get better than me with enough effort. I tend to just stay at the same levels forever. I start off good and stay good. I never become anything more than that.

Every part of me just feels like a waste right now. My motivation is nill. Just moving takes more effort than I feel I can exert.




I don't know what to do. I want to drive somewhere, to where I don't know. I can't afford to, and I have no destination in mind.

I read The Four Agreements, amazing book. I just fail at ignoring the victim I suppose. But the pain comes from within, not from thought. It starts with a sore heart, and than I think about it. I don't know.... I just don't know.

As I lie here uncomfortably in my blue hat.
Too down on myself to make myself comfortable.
Ashamed of myself for feeling like this.
Ashamed of myself for being unable to be happy.
Ashamed at myself for feeling so lonely.
...... I am trying my best.
.............. I always try my best.
I should not be ashamed of myself if I know I am doing the best I can.
...I should not feel worse for feeling bad.


ow.

My heart hurts.

I hate money... I hate it so much. So much worry and pain comes from this worthless piece of cloth.


I took a break from writing at this point and went outside to stair at the street for a while... On the front porch... I just sat there, just thought, coming to no real conclusions.

I don't know what to say... I don't know what to do.. I don't know how to make money.. I don't even know why I try anymore..

I am sure this feeling will pass... Not completely for a part of it is always usually lingering somewhere inside me. How well I hide it is how others view me. THe feeling will keep coming to the surface until I figure it out. I will keep feeling like this until I fix the things that are bothering me or until I find true inner happiness. So even if it is just in passing, it will be back unless somehow I manage to figure myself out.

Who I am, what I am, what I want to do, what I can do, who I want to be with, who will be with me. These questions haunt me.

I am going to post this public, because I don't like posting private posts. I am sorry for the sadness, but like I said, this was mostly for me to vent. I feel it has helped a little, though not as much as I would have liked... Hopefully enough to get me to go to sleep, another night down, another day with the chance of something miraculous to happen......

happiness

So I am learning more and more that true happiness comes from within. When one bases their joy on things happening in the world around them, than their happiness can be lost simply by losing what it is they have. To analyze this thought further, it is applied to EVERYTHING around you. Things, people, food, anything. I am not saying one shouldn't be able to find joy in these things, however ones joy cannot be based on them.

"Be happy with what you have. If you lose something, be happy with what remains. If you lose everything, be happy to be alive. If you find out you are dieing, be happy you get to transcend the human experience." -Me

I now need to apply this to my life. I need to look within, search deep, and just find joy, peace, self-love, pure happiness. A happiness that cannot be taken away for it is one that is based on me, and nothing else. A type of piece to shield myself from the outside world. This is far easier said then done. As I sit here at 2 am, knowing I need to be awake at 5 am, I find no desire to sleep. I just want so badly to understand it all.... OR more accurately, just be one with it, considering it may be impossible to fully understand. Their was a time when all I wished for was to find my soul mate. I wanted to find that one person that is perfect for me, and I am perfect for her. Someone to be my everything..... This is no longer my primary wish. There has been a very slow transition that has occurred in me lately. As I find more and more that the outside world will just continue to let me down as long as I am reliant on what it has to be happy, I learn that this includes my one. If I am reliant on this other person for happiness, than what happens when they disappear? Will being with them even truly make me happy? The fact remains, I need to find true happiness within. Fact is, I have not yet found this inner happiness. I still look to the outside world to fulfill these desires I have created based on the lies society feeds us.

To be honest, I am not even sure exactly what it is my main wish is anymore. I suppose some call it opening my spiritual eyes. Some call it finding inner peace. Some call it transcending. I call it necessity. I call it natural progression. I call it the place we all need to find to be truly happy. It won't be until I find this, that I will be able to truly appreciate what I do have. It won't be until I find this, that I will be able to truly be with my one.

Love, Peace, Happiness, Unity, Wholeness, Spirituality, Caring, Trust, Compassion, EMPATHY.......
With a working mind, and a ticking heart
-Steffan

A story

I have a friend that has lived a life of torment. I will not go over all the stories I have heard to protect her privacy, but I will put it to you this way:

Think of the worst stories you can imagine, not resulting in depth or permanent disability... She has lived them

I saw something Friday night... An image that still sits in my head... One that will probably never leave my head. No one is dead, but lets say this came as a surprise to me.

The lesson:
This person, regardless of what she has been through, is still a good person. She is still loving, and caring, and has the best intent. She is still great. She may hurt people sometimes (emotionally), but this is of no fault to her. She doesn't do it on purpose, she just is doing the best she can. A good friend of mine (from tribe and she should know who she is <3 ) told me that everyone is always doing their best, and I must say I agree. Maybe some people are farther from the light than others, but one can't possibly get mad at them for it. They try, and one day, eventually (this life, the next, at some point) they will get it too. One can't possibly get mad for people that are scarred from this world. The trick is to except that we all try our best, and we do hurt each other, but not because we want to. We do it from a lack of knowledge, a lack of understanding, or a misunderstanding.

"The murdered is not unaccountable for his own murder, and the robbed is not blameless in being robbed. The righteous is not innocent of the deeds of the wicked, and the white-handed is not clean of the doings of the felon." -The Prophet

Let us spread love, let us spread knowledge, let us help those who hurt and teach them why it is wrong... not punish them for not understanding. We need to heal the Earth, we need to heal OUR soul. After all, "I am you, you are me, we are us, we are we." -Steffan

appology

I wanted to apologize for the string of sad blogs as of late. For the most part I try to avoid them, I've just been going through a lot of emotional turmoil lately, and although things do seem to be improving, oftentimes at nighttime I experience sharp pains in my heart. I don't mean like an "oh I am so sad my heart hurts" type thing, I mean literal, sharp stabbing pains in my heart area. Too much stress I suppose, in all aspects of my life.

At night times I can tend to get really bad off... Especially when the pain kicks in. I learned that it occurs most frequently when I am alone and when something else happens to trigger making me sad. From there it tends to be a downward spiral.

The sad blogging is one way I use to get out how I feel to the best of my abilities, and I don't feel bad if I can keep them limited to only once in a while. I like to keep my blogs fairly depression clear though so I apologize for having failed at doing that recently. I will try and remain at least slightly more upbeat.

Much love to all <3's

just sad words on screen in order to try and feel better

tears on a sheet less bed...
My heart set aflame.
Thought of leaving..
To where, I don't know...
...Just somewhere else.
It's the same everywhere.

Physical pain doesn't phase me much anymore.
Heart pain hurts so much deeper.
... It sounds lame, it sounds corny, it sounds over used...
It's true.

Over the last 3 months, I have had my face slammed into a floor, my nose broken, my hair pulled, my mouth gouged, glow sticks slammed into my groin...
....None of it compares... If anything it feels nice for at the time, it is a slight distraction.
Heart pain, emotional pain so deep your chest hurts... Breathing hurts.

I don't know what I am supposed to learn, or how much I have to go through before dreams come true..
Or in my case dream... I have one main dream.. One thing I've always wanted.


I am still in search of that imaginary friend; my unrealistic ideal; my perfect one; I thought this last one may have been her, for she fit so well... It's why this particular one hurts so so much. Even in my distaste for the situation, deep down, still... so similar to my dreams it hurts.

I can't even pretend anymore...
... I can barely hope anymore.
........My sex drive is dieing along with my hope.
.............I have almost no interest anymore
......................I see no point

I just don' know anymore. Maybe if I just pretend hard enough, I can make the hurt feel good. Just thrive off the sadness. Why not, it's what I am shown most. If I just learn to love it, maybe I will be happy.

I am surrounded by love. I know I am. But it's just, there's something missing, my one. I show love towards everyone, or at least try to, but I still want my one.


Tears on a sheet less bed.
My heart aflame.
My sex drive, my hopes....
...dying/dead.

....I need to break through....

stupidity

I hate that I think about her at all.
I hate that I miss her even a little.
I hate that subconsciencely she haunts me.
I hate the pain she caused me.
I hate the pain she still causes me, even from afar.
I hate that I am writing this.
I hate even more that I hope she reads this.
Hate is a strong word... but it holds true to how I feel.
I don't hate her....
I hate that I don't hate her.
I should hate her.
I hate just about everything she did to me, around me.
Why don't I hate her.... Why do I even care about her slightly? SHe has done relatively nothing positive for me.

I am retarded.
I hate that word... retarded....Though it describes me.

I hate how little I understand who/what I am.
I am sick of being sad.
I don't hate being sad... It teaches a lot... but I am sick of this emotion

Since she has left, things are looking up.
New friends, new people, new house mates, a new life.
Things are looking up.

I hate that I am thinking about her.
I hate that I am writing about her.
I hate that I miss her.
I hate how closely related love and hate are.... I truly truly truly hate that.