I am writing this now because I feel horrible and I need a place to vent...

So why am I so miserable right now? Is it because I miss Aerie? Is it because I feel as though I fucked up with Erin? Is it because I feel completely worthless? Maybe I just feel like an all over failure.... I feel I have gone through 16 years of school now and still have absolutely no idea what I want to do. I am not happy, and that makes me even more unhappy because I am trying so hard to just be ok... Aerie I am sure rarely ever even thinks about me anymore. Erin has moved on. I miss them both. I miss Erin for the wrong reason though; I miss her because she actually did care about me.... Sure we had differences, but she did love me. Aerie I miss for the right reasons, I just feel we would be perfect together, but that is a loss and in the past... I just need to move on.

I feel irresponsible, for even though I want so badly to support myself, I can't find anything I like doing.

Even in my recreational activities I feel worthless. I am just not good enough at any of them for it to matter. I have fun with them all, but I am just me. Nothing special and anyone that tries long enough surpasses me. It's been like that my whole life. I am naturally good at everything I do, but anyone can get better than me with enough effort. I tend to just stay at the same levels forever. I start off good and stay good. I never become anything more than that.

Every part of me just feels like a waste right now. My motivation is nill. Just moving takes more effort than I feel I can exert.




I don't know what to do. I want to drive somewhere, to where I don't know. I can't afford to, and I have no destination in mind.

I read The Four Agreements, amazing book. I just fail at ignoring the victim I suppose. But the pain comes from within, not from thought. It starts with a sore heart, and than I think about it. I don't know.... I just don't know.

As I lie here uncomfortably in my blue hat.
Too down on myself to make myself comfortable.
Ashamed of myself for feeling like this.
Ashamed of myself for being unable to be happy.
Ashamed at myself for feeling so lonely.
...... I am trying my best.
.............. I always try my best.
I should not be ashamed of myself if I know I am doing the best I can.
...I should not feel worse for feeling bad.


ow.

My heart hurts.

I hate money... I hate it so much. So much worry and pain comes from this worthless piece of cloth.


I took a break from writing at this point and went outside to stair at the street for a while... On the front porch... I just sat there, just thought, coming to no real conclusions.

I don't know what to say... I don't know what to do.. I don't know how to make money.. I don't even know why I try anymore..

I am sure this feeling will pass... Not completely for a part of it is always usually lingering somewhere inside me. How well I hide it is how others view me. THe feeling will keep coming to the surface until I figure it out. I will keep feeling like this until I fix the things that are bothering me or until I find true inner happiness. So even if it is just in passing, it will be back unless somehow I manage to figure myself out.

Who I am, what I am, what I want to do, what I can do, who I want to be with, who will be with me. These questions haunt me.

I am going to post this public, because I don't like posting private posts. I am sorry for the sadness, but like I said, this was mostly for me to vent. I feel it has helped a little, though not as much as I would have liked... Hopefully enough to get me to go to sleep, another night down, another day with the chance of something miraculous to happen......