My Blog

My thoughts...... randomly

MultiSingularity — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 01:08:46 GMT

So here they are. "The last time I saw you, we were just split in two, You was looking at me, I was looking at you. You had a ray so familiar, but I could not recognize. cause you had blood in your face, I had blood in my eye." So what am I going to do.... Is the question I ponder sitting here in the dar with one contact in. What is it I am doing? Ah, a far more relevant question. For how possibly could I know what it is I am going to do, when I still do not know what it is I am doing. Then there is of course the question of what have I done? Well I see little reason to ponder this question for long, unless the reason is for happy nastalgia. There is no use in stressing over what has already happened. Livem Learn, Change. Change, change, change,,,, I've heard it's the only constant. BUt in truth change is only an illusion as everything goes as planned. If everything goes as planned then is there ever any real change? Can one plan for change? It seems to me, if evert..ything is perfect, and known, than their truly is never any "change". There is the illusion of change that we all see, as we think we are moving, progressing, living, suffering... BUt the ultimate plan, fate.... destiny... Pre arranged agreements that occured ethorialy before acquiring a physical being.... Whatever you want to call it, remains unchanged. Would it ever even be possible for their to be change to that which always is? How could something, be it entity or idea, that lives outside the scope of time, ever change? There is no future, so change can't "come". Why am I even talking about change? Alas thinking about it? This concept holds no real point to me, at least not in my current state. Or is it that I just don't yet understand what the point of this thought process is for me. Maybe I am thinking about all for the shear purpose of writing it doen so someone who needs to hear this does. Who knows. So what am I doing now? Well the easy answer fo course is typing. Typing typing typing. But why? Why am I typing? Why do I even care to ask why? Am I typing for "you" or am I typing for myself? Well If I am you and you are me, than regardless of answer, Arn't I doing both? I write for both you and me. I love for both you and me. I live for both you and me. Who is you? I don't know, who is me? Sigh endless stream of thoughts, alone here in the dark... one contact in... (of course one out)... In Walker La, of all places. How on Earth did I end up in Walker Louisiana. I remember when I was young and learning the states and their capitals. I never would have guess I would end up here..... But that is how it goes isn't it? Noone ever truly knows where they will be in the future. One can have a plan, one can have good ideas, one can have hopes and dreams... But the future, and almost more omportantly the road to the future are always unpredictable. Even if given the gift of foresight, you never know when you will be just wrong. Maybe one day you will have a vision, you will see something amazing, or horrible that is "supposed to be". You have had visions come true many times in the past, so of course you belive this one as well. Well, what if this vision is wrong? What if this vision was designed particularly with the idea of being wrong. What if this visions being wrong serves you a far greater purpose/lesson than if it were right? Well than you will be wrong. Noone ever knows. None the less. Plan, Dream. Create. Live, Love, Enjoy. Learn, do.... Not neccessarily understand, But think figure, be. You know I am writing this for you and me... As I said earlier. Everything that is done is done for us all.. We are all one afterall. Hurting someone else is hurting yourself. Hurting yourself is hurting someone else. It's not a give/take..... It is love/be loved. No suffering required. One Day. These random thoughts brought to you with love. -From me

One day

MultiSingularity — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 01:07:26 GMT

One day I will be With her Happy. Her being me My other half..... Whoever she may be. One day I will feel.... Good as new.. Alive. Real. One day will come.. One day will come.. One day too late? Or just on time. Will it be beautiful, will it be amazing? Will it be regular, boring, dull? No... No matter how it comes, it will be amazing.... If it comes. My other half, I still search... Though I still think I already found you. I still struggle with mmy thoughts. I still search. Maybe my heart is wrong. Maybe I just don't know how to hear my heart properly. It doesn't matter honestly. Just one day.... One day she'll find me. One day, we will be one. One day She will let me fulfill her dreams... As she will mine. One day will come. One day will come. One day will come. I repeat this over and over again. Maybe one day I will believe it. Will one day ever come. I don't know. Tomorrow WILL come. Maybe tomorrow will be that one day. Maybe it won't. Probably it won't. ..........But maybe it will. love to all -me-

Memoria

MultiSingularity — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 01:06:36 GMT

Nestalgia of times that's passed.... Dreams that never came to be. Memories that will always last. When you were here with me. Troubles of the here and now, and to where I'm on my way For I don't know where I'm going, But do not want to stay. This place in time, assuming time is real... Thoughts that spin... they move.... heal? A heart that speaks upon death ears, Not just mine but all of theirs. For now I'm done, mind not set right... I may be back tomorrow night. <3

Love

MultiSingularity — Thu, 29 May 2008 08:27:21 GMT

Ah Love... Where does one even begin with a topic so broad? How does one go about explaining a feeling unexplainable? A feeling worth giving up "everything" to gain the true everything? Many poets try to explain love. It is that feeling in the back of your head that just glows. It leaves a person speechless. To find love, true love; it is what we are all at least subconsciously searching for. I know personally, it has been the focus of my goals since I was about 6. Someone to hold, someone to always be near me, someone to want everything I want, but in a different enough way so that it remains interesting. Someone who would give the world for me, for I know I would give the world for them. As I si here typing in my state of lonesomeness, I know that true happiness comes from within. Though I can't shake this sadness, for the truth is I love being held, and I love holding. Maybe I am still not ready for that relationship, maybe I never will be, maybe no one ever is. This feeling that is supposed to make life worth living. "You make my life worthwhile" "I would give the world for you" Well what about those still missing their "you"? Is here life not worthwhile? Surely there must be something else... Many would claim that it is the thrill of the search. I disagree with this claim, and I am sure that many would agree with me when I say that the search is painful. As I said before, I believe true happiness needs to come from within. Love oneself, and then others, and when ready, your one will come o you. This may be one of the hardest things in the universe to learn, and an even harder feat to accomplish. To be told that the greatest thing in the universe is something that as long as you are looking for it, you will never find it. To learn to just be happy alone, and then you get the gift of true love. This ideal gets compounded in difficulty when you add to it the pain of a lonely heart. One of the hardest pans to ignore. One of the deepest hurts one can feel. How does one look past this sadness? I know ignoring it is not the right answer..... Trying to embrace it for creativity works for only so long. A simple delaying of the ache inside. I've been told that God is love, and love is God. Well this would make sense. Both are impossible to describe. Both are commonly viewed as the greatest in the universe. Why would they not be the same? But even n this regard, it just makes a broken heart all the sadder. Does this mean that a person feeling lonely feels both unloved by the world and by God? I am not claiming anything religous here by the way, I am sort of just playing devils advocate with myself out loud. I am a big believer that everything is one and that one is God. I don' see it as a stretch to say that everything is love. I feel as though that too is possible. This could mean quite possibly that lonesomeness, the feeling of being unloved, is indeed the worst thing in the universe. "Hell is the absence of God" Well if God is love, then when a person feels alone, they are in hell. Again, these are just my thoughts in writing... t is helping me think. i do believe strongly that a person does not need to be dead to be in heaven or hell. I honestly don't believe anyone ever truly dies, but that is for another time. Sigh. Love.... Love... Love.... How I miss thee. I wish to be able to feel love from everything. If everything is God, and God is love, why can I not feel love from everything/anything? What is so embedded in my mind that I feel this way? Is it because there is a different kind of love? A unique love? A greater love? One between two individuals amist the everything? A love within love. Is that what I am in search of? Is that why I feel alone? Is the key to find this love within love simply just to connect with the love all around first? If so, How does one do this? It is no secret that love, when pure and true, is everything. love is all a person truly needs. I know I would give up all I have to be with my one true love. The answer to all my dreams. Afterall, stuff is just that, stuff. It can be replaced. After all, with ones true love, comes happiness. I believe that everything falls into place when one finds their love. career, money, heart, soul, life. Well I am going to go back to staying up way too late, thinking way too much, and searching way to hard for something that I will only find when I stop looking for it.... And I wonder why I have no motivation and feel apathetic so much. Well regardless, I love you all. I don't care who you are or what you have done, for when you act ill you do so of ignorance in one way shape or form. Everyone deserves a meaning to life, so I love everyone. With love to all... me

mostly just for me

MultiSingularity — Wed, 14 May 2008 07:12:55 GMT

I am writing this now because I feel horrible and I need a place to vent... So why am I so miserable right now? Is it because I miss Aerie? Is it because I feel as though I fucked up with Erin? Is it because I feel completely worthless? Maybe I just feel like an all over failure.... I feel I have gone through 16 years of school now and still have absolutely no idea what I want to do. I am not happy, and that makes me even more unhappy because I am trying so hard to just be ok... Aerie I am sure rarely ever even thinks about me anymore. Erin has moved on. I miss them both. I miss Erin for the wrong reason though; I miss her because she actually did care about me.... Sure we had differences, but she did love me. Aerie I miss for the right reasons, I just feel we would be perfect together, but that is a loss and in the past... I just need to move on. I feel irresponsible, for even though I want so badly to support myself, I can't find anything I like doing. Even in my recreational activities I feel worthless. I am just not good enough at any of them for it to matter. I have fun with them all, but I am just me. Nothing special and anyone that tries long enough surpasses me. It's been like that my whole life. I am naturally good at everything I do, but anyone can get better than me with enough effort. I tend to just stay at the same levels forever. I start off good and stay good. I never become anything more than that. Every part of me just feels like a waste right now. My motivation is nill. Just moving takes more effort than I feel I can exert. I don't know what to do. I want to drive somewhere, to where I don't know. I can't afford to, and I have no destination in mind. I read The Four Agreements, amazing book. I just fail at ignoring the victim I suppose. But the pain comes from within, not from thought. It starts with a sore heart, and than I think about it. I don't know.... I just don't know. As I lie here uncomfortably in my blue hat. Too down on myself to make myself comfortable. Ashamed of myself for feeling like this. Ashamed of myself for being unable to be happy. Ashamed at myself for feeling so lonely. ...... I am trying my best. .............. I always try my best. I should not be ashamed of myself if I know I am doing the best I can. ...I should not feel worse for feeling bad. ow. My heart hurts. I hate money... I hate it so much. So much worry and pain comes from this worthless piece of cloth. I took a break from writing at this point and went outside to stair at the street for a while... On the front porch... I just sat there, just thought, coming to no real conclusions. I don't know what to say... I don't know what to do.. I don't know how to make money.. I don't even know why I try anymore.. I am sure this feeling will pass... Not completely for a part of it is always usually lingering somewhere inside me. How well I hide it is how others view me. THe feeling will keep coming to the surface until I figure it out. I will keep feeling like this until I fix the things that are bothering me or until I find true inner happiness. So even if it is just in passing, it will be back unless somehow I manage to figure myself out. Who I am, what I am, what I want to do, what I can do, who I want to be with, who will be with me. These questions haunt me. I am going to post this public, because I don't like posting private posts. I am sorry for the sadness, but like I said, this was mostly for me to vent. I feel it has helped a little, though not as much as I would have liked... Hopefully enough to get me to go to sleep, another night down, another day with the chance of something miraculous to happen......

happiness

MultiSingularity — Sun, 11 May 2008 07:25:00 GMT

So I am learning more and more that true happiness comes from within. When one bases their joy on things happening in the world around them, than their happiness can be lost simply by losing what it is they have. To analyze this thought further, it is applied to EVERYTHING around you. Things, people, food, anything. I am not saying one shouldn't be able to find joy in these things, however ones joy cannot be based on them. "Be happy with what you have. If you lose something, be happy with what remains. If you lose everything, be happy to be alive. If you find out you are dieing, be happy you get to transcend the human experience." -Me I now need to apply this to my life. I need to look within, search deep, and just find joy, peace, self-love, pure happiness. A happiness that cannot be taken away for it is one that is based on me, and nothing else. A type of piece to shield myself from the outside world. This is far easier said then done. As I sit here at 2 am, knowing I need to be awake at 5 am, I find no desire to sleep. I just want so badly to understand it all.... OR more accurately, just be one with it, considering it may be impossible to fully understand. Their was a time when all I wished for was to find my soul mate. I wanted to find that one person that is perfect for me, and I am perfect for her. Someone to be my everything..... This is no longer my primary wish. There has been a very slow transition that has occurred in me lately. As I find more and more that the outside world will just continue to let me down as long as I am reliant on what it has to be happy, I learn that this includes my one. If I am reliant on this other person for happiness, than what happens when they disappear? Will being with them even truly make me happy? The fact remains, I need to find true happiness within. Fact is, I have not yet found this inner happiness. I still look to the outside world to fulfill these desires I have created based on the lies society feeds us. To be honest, I am not even sure exactly what it is my main wish is anymore. I suppose some call it opening my spiritual eyes. Some call it finding inner peace. Some call it transcending. I call it necessity. I call it natural progression. I call it the place we all need to find to be truly happy. It won't be until I find this, that I will be able to truly appreciate what I do have. It won't be until I find this, that I will be able to truly be with my one. Love, Peace, Happiness, Unity, Wholeness, Spirituality, Caring, Trust, Compassion, EMPATHY....... With a working mind, and a ticking heart -Steffan

A story

MultiSingularity — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 08:23:16 GMT

I have a friend that has lived a life of torment. I will not go over all the stories I have heard to protect her privacy, but I will put it to you this way: Think of the worst stories you can imagine, not resulting in depth or permanent disability... She has lived them I saw something Friday night... An image that still sits in my head... One that will probably never leave my head. No one is dead, but lets say this came as a surprise to me. The lesson: This person, regardless of what she has been through, is still a good person. She is still loving, and caring, and has the best intent. She is still great. She may hurt people sometimes (emotionally), but this is of no fault to her. She doesn't do it on purpose, she just is doing the best she can. A good friend of mine (from tribe and she should know who she is <3 ) told me that everyone is always doing their best, and I must say I agree. Maybe some people are farther from the light than others, but one can't possibly get mad at them for it. They try, and one day, eventually (this life, the next, at some point) they will get it too. One can't possibly get mad for people that are scarred from this world. The trick is to except that we all try our best, and we do hurt each other, but not because we want to. We do it from a lack of knowledge, a lack of understanding, or a misunderstanding. "The murdered is not unaccountable for his own murder, and the robbed is not blameless in being robbed. The righteous is not innocent of the deeds of the wicked, and the white-handed is not clean of the doings of the felon." -The Prophet Let us spread love, let us spread knowledge, let us help those who hurt and teach them why it is wrong... not punish them for not understanding. We need to heal the Earth, we need to heal OUR soul. After all, "I am you, you are me, we are us, we are we." -Steffan

appology

MultiSingularity — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 19:48:43 GMT

I wanted to apologize for the string of sad blogs as of late. For the most part I try to avoid them, I've just been going through a lot of emotional turmoil lately, and although things do seem to be improving, oftentimes at nighttime I experience sharp pains in my heart. I don't mean like an "oh I am so sad my heart hurts" type thing, I mean literal, sharp stabbing pains in my heart area. Too much stress I suppose, in all aspects of my life. At night times I can tend to get really bad off... Especially when the pain kicks in. I learned that it occurs most frequently when I am alone and when something else happens to trigger making me sad. From there it tends to be a downward spiral. The sad blogging is one way I use to get out how I feel to the best of my abilities, and I don't feel bad if I can keep them limited to only once in a while. I like to keep my blogs fairly depression clear though so I apologize for having failed at doing that recently. I will try and remain at least slightly more upbeat. Much love to all <3's

just sad words on screen in order to try and feel better

MultiSingularity — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 06:36:34 GMT

tears on a sheet less bed... My heart set aflame. Thought of leaving.. To where, I don't know... ...Just somewhere else. It's the same everywhere. Physical pain doesn't phase me much anymore. Heart pain hurts so much deeper. ... It sounds lame, it sounds corny, it sounds over used... It's true. Over the last 3 months, I have had my face slammed into a floor, my nose broken, my hair pulled, my mouth gouged, glow sticks slammed into my groin... ....None of it compares... If anything it feels nice for at the time, it is a slight distraction. Heart pain, emotional pain so deep your chest hurts... Breathing hurts. I don't know what I am supposed to learn, or how much I have to go through before dreams come true.. Or in my case dream... I have one main dream.. One thing I've always wanted. I am still in search of that imaginary friend; my unrealistic ideal; my perfect one; I thought this last one may have been her, for she fit so well... It's why this particular one hurts so so much. Even in my distaste for the situation, deep down, still... so similar to my dreams it hurts. I can't even pretend anymore... ... I can barely hope anymore. ........My sex drive is dieing along with my hope. .............I have almost no interest anymore ......................I see no point I just don' know anymore. Maybe if I just pretend hard enough, I can make the hurt feel good. Just thrive off the sadness. Why not, it's what I am shown most. If I just learn to love it, maybe I will be happy. I am surrounded by love. I know I am. But it's just, there's something missing, my one. I show love towards everyone, or at least try to, but I still want my one. Tears on a sheet less bed. My heart aflame. My sex drive, my hopes.... ...dying/dead. ....I need to break through....

stupidity

MultiSingularity — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 07:22:04 GMT

I hate that I think about her at all. I hate that I miss her even a little. I hate that subconsciencely she haunts me. I hate the pain she caused me. I hate the pain she still causes me, even from afar. I hate that I am writing this. I hate even more that I hope she reads this. Hate is a strong word... but it holds true to how I feel. I don't hate her.... I hate that I don't hate her. I should hate her. I hate just about everything she did to me, around me. Why don't I hate her.... Why do I even care about her slightly? SHe has done relatively nothing positive for me. I am retarded. I hate that word... retarded....Though it describes me. I hate how little I understand who/what I am. I am sick of being sad. I don't hate being sad... It teaches a lot... but I am sick of this emotion Since she has left, things are looking up. New friends, new people, new house mates, a new life. Things are looking up. I hate that I am thinking about her. I hate that I am writing about her. I hate that I miss her. I hate how closely related love and hate are.... I truly truly truly hate that.

Finally... yayish

MultiSingularity — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 18:52:16 GMT

So she is gone, and Thank God. I have thought about it, and over the last 3 months she has done very little good for me. She has provided me with a few positive memories, and made me realize that I need to kick Jason out of my life, but aside from that she has been a major part of making my life hell. Grant it, I have learned a lot a lot through the pain she has caused me, but none the less... her being gone is a blessing. I have removed all ways I have of contacting her from my life and now it is just time to move on. It still hurts, but I know it is for the best. So on a different note all together, I have met a whole new group of people (all girls which doesn't surprise me... I don't get along with most men all to well) who were eager to assimilate me. So I have new friends to help me through everything. Spiritually I have come to new conclusions I am very very pleased with. I have made some ginormous steps (yes ginormous), but of course like always these steps have led to more confusion... Time to work through confusion... yay. My computer got fried. Sadness. Electronics and water do not mix. Anyway, I am taking it all in stride, and really am not too stressed about it. Much love to you all, have a good day :).

feeling better

MultiSingularity — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 03:59:51 GMT

Just wanted to say that things are looking up. I met a new group of people today, all very cool. I feel fairly good right now. I am hoping this feeling lasts. :) cheers

From the depths of my heart, the screams of my soul.

MultiSingularity — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 00:20:56 GMT

Pain so sharp I see no end, My eyes open I tear up again. I see no point, I have no meaning... Nothing in my life is what I want. ..........Nothing nothing nothing. I live a life of childlike activity... ....so everyone stomps on me. I have a mind with knowledge of my own... .... Logical thought, ideas sewn. I question everything, I rarely trust.. It makes things hard, but still I must. I know not lies, for I don't listen to them. What I know is truth. ...What I want is love... my love... My love is a voice in my head. She does not exist. I search and search. She does not exist. Even if she does exist, she does not exist.....for she does not exist for me. I am the knot at the end of the rope, the piece that's thrown away. I am the person looked right past, the one that is right, but gets no say. In a world filled with hate and disgust, fighting and war... I am like the ugly duckling, and I can't take anymore. Why be so kind, why show so much love... Why care at all... I need help from above. I need help, i need help i need help. .... Just someone else, a reason, my reason. Not just someone else. I need the someone else. I need my twin flame, my love, my life. .....................She'll never be with me. ..............Why would that happen. ........Why would anything good happen. I am a positive energy....... I only attract negative energy. I scratch my arm, I sit and think... I hope I ponder, I sit and blink. ..........WORDS WORDS WORDS. They have no meaning... For what is a word but a misrepresented feeling This story of mine, the one with no end, I start to expect happiness, I get knocked down again. The pain it comes from all ends in all ways My school, my work, my love, my play. My friends, they betray me.... They lie to me. They hurt me. They don't think of me when I need them. My heart is empty. Why love anymore. ..........All I've shown the world is love. I hate this world. .... No.. I don't. I love this world, I hate the parasites living on it. Nature is beautiful, and perfect and right. ... People are wrong, people are blight. I trust not a one of you, for why should I. Another lie, another betrayal, another sigh. When All one is shown is hate and sorrow, how can he make do. When everyone else betrays me, why should I trust you?????????? That leaves me alone... Alone again. This lonliness of mine, it has no end. I try to love, I try to trust, I try to hope, for hope I must.... but WHY????? WHY WHY WHY WHY, I scream. .....I don't know. I just don't. Philosophy plays an important role, I thnk a lot really just so... I can get by. I hurt. I hurt. I hurt. I hurt deep in my soul. I hurt in my heart, I don't want this role. I am told to think it, imagine it, want it, and know it.... And than it will be. I've tried this, it's wrong... I still don't see... anything going as I've thought it. ... .. . .. ... Curled in a ball... I sit. Curled in a ball... I feel. I cry. Curled in a ball I lie. Curled in a ball... A ball.... ... I think of my life, what I "need" to do... This makes me cry more I don't want to die... No that's not what I want. I know this. What I want is happiness. What I want is change. Not of who I am, but of what the world has become. If death would equal happiness, than that is what I want, though I do not feel that is the answer. I want to live, I want to love, I want to dance. I want to heal, I want to raise, I want that chance. Right now, I see no point. What was left of my motivation moved away. I need more than help. .... I don't even know what I need anymore. .........I need to go to sleep for a long time.......A long..... long..... long... time *prays for a coma*

Losing my mind... Plee for help

MultiSingularity — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 03:23:14 GMT

I am doing just that.... I can't handle it anymore... I can't take most people anymore... So here's the story summed up. I am a good person. I know good is one of those things that one can argue is or isn't, but none the less I am a good person. Reasons why: -I am nice to just about everyone -I do whatever I can to help everyone I can -I never (or at least very rarely ever) do anything that hurts anyone else, at least not intentionally. And when I do I always feel really bad about it and do whatever I can to make it up to them. I suppose essentially my definition of me being a good person is I let people use me, walk all over me, treat me like dirt, lie to me, take advantage of me, hurt me, and hurt me more. That's what has been happening. Over and over again. Since I was a child. I know many will say that I let these people do these things to me, I let them make me feel this way... But that is not entirely true. Grant it, yes.. I do let them get to me sometimes. But the losing of my mind is a coagulation of many discrepancies I have with life. I don't know what to do. I am not going to stop being a good person, but I can't handle most people anymore. It's not just people that are driving me insane, though they are 95% of the reason. (By the way, not all people are inconsiderate evil bastards... just most. Most likely all of the people that read this are good people and will know where I am coming from <3's to you all). I am in school studying something I don't like. I want to get a degree in chiropractics, but my school does not offer one. Sigh... what I want in my life... aka my dream: Top and foremost, I want my twin flame, my soul mate, my unrealistic ideal. I want my love. I think I found her, but she is so mentally unstable right now that all knowing her is doing to me is tearing me apart. I am not even going to get into the stories, but omg... I still think she is my one, but at this point I am ready to say fuck it. I want her in my life very badly. I would love to be with her, for at least I feel forever.... But I do NOT need her. Plus who knows, maybe this feeling I have never felt before is just wrong, maybe it's not her (I doubt this very much, but it's possible, and I've accepted that) I want a job I enjoy doing. I would love to do chiropractics during the day and be a "professional raver" at night/ during weekends. Right now I am learning contact juggling, poi, break dancing, and glowsticks. Soon I will pick up staff and well basically anything else that I think is pretty. I always loved hula hoops when I was younger, I could learn hooping. P.S. I already somehow know chiropractics... I've done quite a few peoples backs for them... It's a gift I suppose. The school would be mostly to get the papers..... sigh.. I want a family/community of good people around me. I want people around that are trustworthy, and loving, and the way we all should be. At some point I want a child... maybe more than one, but none the less.... at some point. Is there a community like this anywhere that I don't know about? One that is hidden away? A part of me feels like there must be. It is usually people of greater intelligence that are good and caring..... How could they have not at some point gathered and created this community. Take me away from this. Please. I can't stand this world as it is anymore. I can't stand people as they are anymore. Someone, something.... save me, take me away... please. P.S. Seriously...

Randomness 2

MultiSingularity — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 01:53:10 GMT

Thinking, moving, wishing, playing, Liking, wanting, softly saying. Dancing, dreaming, hoping, fearing, Singing loudly, often tearing. From then to now, and now to there A piece of us is everywhere And when we break we come to see, That all of you are parts of me I am part of all of you, this too is also true, and through my haze I clearly see, The love that needs to come to be. ..........................Unity Thanks again to all of you that have helped me, and though I am still not completely whole (sanity wise) I am far better off than I was. ---- Mass amounts of love ---- -Steffan-

Help me

MultiSingularity — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 00:34:07 GMT

Please.... Someone......

Self Relation

MultiSingularity — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 19:01:26 GMT

Yet another I have been wanting to write for a while Human being are a very self absobed race. A quick example is the psychological fact that when there is even a slight resembelance to a face, we see it, regardless of how abstract it may be. Well this concept can be related with just about all we do in our lives. We very oftentimes think that everything that is happening is somehow related to ourselves (on an individual level). It's that, "wait what did he say about me" thought when one simply overhears a fragment of a conversation. I suppose the ego is to be blamed for this phenomenom. Especially as how much of this occurs subconciously (spelling? I can't spell) The fact is that, most of what occurs around a person has very little to nothign to do with that person him/herself. Everybody has this idea of self relation and is very often times absorbed in their own world. Though it is true we interact and we do oftentimes talk about eachother and do things with eachother, the idea of relating all (or at least a lot) of what is going on to oneself is more often than not a false ideal we are imposed with. This is not as completely edited or finished as I would like it to be, but I have class right now. Feel free to comment and argue if you would like :). Oh and P.S. I am trying my best to kill off my ego... or at least most of it... :)

Worry vs Hope

MultiSingularity — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 18:52:00 GMT

I have been wanting to write this for a while (about 3 weeks now), but just havn't gotten aorund to it. Fear and hope act in much the same way as good and bad, and much like everything in this life, work on the idea of balance. Both of these have to do with the concept of what is going to happen, the future. One fears the bad and one hopes for the good, and if either of these is missing it effects greatly the actions the person takes as well as the seemingly random events that occur. When in balance, one fears all the worst possible outcomes yet hopes for the best. When this occurs, everytime one of the bad outcomes does not occur, one can be relieved. The bigger the bullet dodged, the more relief that comes from it. One always hopes for the best, but unfortunately when hopes fall through one is left with great dissapointment. We oftentimes forget that things could be much worse. It is far easier for us as people to focus on all the things we want but don't have than it is for us to focus on all the things we want and do have, and all the bad things that could be, but are not. The important thing for us all to do, is to never lose fear. When one stops being afraid, that is when things will occur to induce fear. However just because you are afraid, don't let that fear cause you distress, or worry. It is the fear of the bad that is important, not the stress that comes from it. hope can come and go as it pleases. It helps us get through the present and controls our dreams. When it is lost so is the person, but it is at these times that good things happen to restore hope. I suppose the moral of all this is simply, do not let possible events of the future make you stress in the present. Always do your best and things will work out........ AKA...... Go with the flow. :) I am going to write on balance at soem point, since it is balance that runs all of our lives. Good vs bad, fear vs hope, happyness and sadness, love and pain, so on and so forth. Balance is what life and existence is all about.

Questions

MultiSingularity — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 10:49:50 GMT

Some questions I've been asking myself What am I? What do I want? What do I want to do? How can I love who I am so much yet still be so sad so often? ...and for all those who insist on argueing with me on this, I do love who I am. I do not hate myself. How long do I have to wait? Is it worth it? Is any of it worth it? What is it? Do I like that song I wrote? I thought I did, but noone else seems to. With so many friends and people that love me, how is it I still so often feel alone? Where is my heart? Where do I want my heart? Do I like feeling? ...This has been a big one lately. I think the answer is yes. Or do I just really hope it is? When I hurt I get to create amazing things, but I am sure I could create amazing things if I feel the opposite too. Sigh. How do I keep learning things without taking classes? ... Yoga, Tai Chi, Chiropractics, Massage therapy, recently some form of martial art (really really fast powerful movements), contact juggling, more Am I going to have to wait until summer? More philosophical (some of these i've answered) What is good? What is bad? Bad is not good, but makes good better. It is still bad though. ....does good make bad worse? ........probably... the whole balance thing Good, is good. ......I am good, I know I am good, because I know me. pain is not good ... pain is like bad. Pain is not good, but it is useful. .......It can lead to creations, and inspiration. ...........But it is stil not good What is the opposite of pain? ....love? so pain is to bad as love is to good sigh. sigh sigh. sigh sigh sigh. sigh sigh sigh sigh. sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh. ^^^^^^^^Stairs^^^^^^^^^^^ Why am I writing this? ...Does it matter? What am I even doing here anymore? ....I can be alone by myself.... I DO have a new guitar that I love. ...Not the acoustic one. .......This blue/green electric guitar that is beautiful. I still feel that acoustic guitar shoud go to Cole.... It has his name on it. .....maybe someday. ..........At the moment I hurt too much. I am getting almost good at guitar. Just sitting around finding chords I like and notes that lead into one another. I can't learn well when people try to teach me things. I learn beautifully when I try to figure things out for myself. What are the qustions I need to ask people? ....I want to help other people understand things at least a little better, what are the questions I can ask them to help? ..........I can't just tell them. .................Noone learns WELL that way. Is it just me or are things falling into place more readily recently? ....I really hope so. ........It may make things easier on me. ..............I doubt it. I'm not perfect. I need help too.... Well more than help, I need a reason. I need a reason to keep being, doing, creating. Apathy is far worse than sadness or happiness. ....Apathy comes after sadness.... Apathy is not even wanting to be sad anymore for it has no point. Luckily for me, I am not in a state of CONSTANT apathy. ...Yesterday I was very apathetic. I slept for 14 hours straight... ....It was great....the sleep that is. Lately I have been bouncing between specific emotions. Those are: ....Hopeful, Sad, Apathetic (giving up) Sigh, well obviously I am not feeling apathetic now, Or I wouldn't be writing. I am not hopeful now, hoping, but not hopeful. Being hopeful hurts at the moment. I suppose I am sad at the moment. It beats apathy. I think I am sad because I got kicked off my amp so others could use it. It's true I am not as good as they are yet, but I'm still new. Sigh again. Of course there is another reason I am sad, but that's not even worth thinking about anymore (apathetic). It hurts to even be hopeful about that anymore. I suppose that is due to the massive massive highs, but more importantly the lows, that have come from this. I say more importantly the lows, because there have been far more of them. Why AM I thinking about this. It doesn't matter anymore, there's nothing I can do, but wait. If someone else comes along, I won't hesitate to flirt with them. But there is no moving on. I need help.... I really need help. Therapeutical help won't work. I need someone who understands philosophy. I need someone who understands my situation. I need someone who understands my thoughts. I need someone who understands my feelings. I help so many. Not just try to, I do help so many. I know I do. I help myself the best I can. But I need help too. And sadly, it's hard for me to find the person that can help me, or that wants to. I try to keep my emo blogs to a minimum. I am sorry. Like I said, I am not sure why I am even doing this. Possibly because I got kicked off my amp and I don't know what else to do. ........Probably some other reason that I don't know. ............Sigh, I am doing what I am supposed to..... ...Or at least I will have done what I was supposed to if I post this, If I don't I still will have done what I was supposed to. I am going to a rave tomorrow night. I am bringing friends. I will dance. I will try and let the feeling of the music consume me. I will try and let my heart float. I will try and feel, at the very least, content... The way I was on the 5th... Just content. Not happy (though happy is preffered), less sad (for contentness is not happy, it is more sad than happy for just that reason). sigh.

Final Thoughts

MultiSingularity — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 19:20:18 GMT

I like the jerry springer reference.... haha. Sigh this sucks... Well for me at least. What does that matter though? As usual not a lot. I hope they are happy. As for with the past 2.5 weeks, how I feel has been completely overlooked. I need to start putting me in front of other people, as far as my helping goes. My problem is, I try so hard to make it so everyone around me is happy, that I oftentimes ignore what would make me happy. My friends have told me this many of times now. Te sad truth is if I don't focus on me, noone will, and I will be left out in the cold. Sigh I guess it goes back to what I've always wanted. The one things I've wanted since I was a child. A person that cares about me in the way I care about them. Let me delve into my crazy for a moment for you all to read. My Imaginary friend: When I was about 6 I had a stuffed dolphin I called Ariel. ....I used to pretend it loved me. .......I loved that dolphin. ...........It "disappeared" one day (I think my parents threw it out.) I moved on in the imaginary friend level from there. At around 8, I pretended I was communicating psychically to my soul mate who lived on another planet. That one lasted a while. By doing this I was able to always have a friend and always have someone that loved me, regardless of what the world brought me. By around 13, my imaginary friend turned into, "that voice in my head that makes me think I am crazy"... haha, though I knew quite well I was thinking of all that was said. It's sounds like I am schitzofrenic (spelling?), but I'm not. I could always control what the voice said, or whether or not I heard it. I just had a very active imagination. ......For those that know me, does that surprise anyone? SO what about today? ... I am oftentimes in debate. The first debate I bring to question is, what defines when a person is real or not. If a person is able to create another person that has all the thoughts feelings and emotions of a real person, all that seperates that being from being real is the body. In a way, I believe we are all just creations of someones imagination....That is what life is isn't it? We are all part of one conscienceness. Basically we are one giant schitzo. ....Anyway, I argue with myself. Most times, liek 94 ish% of the time, I am alone in this aspect. I refuse to comfort myself in this way for it is not normal. But still.. 6% of the time, and I suppose at this point it is more of a hope thing than a crazy thing. I just pretend, very strongly, that my soulmate is still out there. I pretend that I can talk to her. Oftentimes I pretend that she is dead, communicating with me from the other side.... just waiting for me. (I guess that shows my lack of hope). Well, welcome to my crazy.... Though I don't think it's crazy, it's just a defence mechanism I have come up with to feel less alone, or to feel that my unrealistic ideal does exist out there, in some form. I've always wanted this one thing. I've wanted that person that loves me more than anyone or anything else. That wants to spend as much time with me as possible and never gets tired of talking to me. That would do anything for me, knowing I wouldn't take advantage of this. That always thinks about me. That loves me fully, and wholly. Real love. And of course I would feel the same way. This is my unrealistic ideal. This is my fading hope, and my dieing dream. The same hope and dream I've kept alive since I was 6. 15 years now this dream has been fading. 15 years my hopes have been dieing. Well who knows. Maybe I'll be a movie star. A very sad, lonely, hopeless, movie star... But luckily for me few people will care about how I feel :). PS. The final thoughts is a reference on to my final thoughts about a certain think... I am not killing myself.... Just making sure you all know that.

Fear of Change

MultiSingularity — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 20:24:08 GMT

The fear of change... It is an inate fear within us all that stems directly from our fear of the unknown. Back in the beginng of evolution, this fear played an important role, forcing people to stay in situations that they have learned to be at least somewhat safe. In other words, avoiding the curiosity killed the cat scenario. Unfortunately, as times changed, so has our need for this fear to exist. This fear now, instead of helping us to survive, keeps us in situations longer than we should be in them. I can't tell you how any relationships I've seen last far past their end point, simply because of the people involved's fear of change. Their fear of being alone, their fear of letting someone new in, or their fear of getting hurt. Even I am guilty of this to an extent, though at least I can look back and realize this. My one friends mom is still married to her husband, even though she doesn't even want to be near him anymore (they now live in seperate states). She refuses to leave him out fear. The sad truth is, though at some point in time, this fear was useful in helping our race to survive it has now become a hinderance. It is this fear of change that prevent our society from progressing at the speed it is capable of. It is this fear that prevents us from doing a lot of research that could be greatly beneficial. It is this fear that prevents millions of people from finding true happiness, forcing them to stay in the situation they already have come to know (be it bad, neutral, or even good, but not as good as it could be). We need to break through this fear. We need to realize that change, the unknown, CAN and oftentimes is a very good thing. Hopefully in time, this fear will subside as people come to realize how amazing change can be. Don't fear flowing. Don't become a rock, sinking where you are, afraid to move. Go with things; change, love, be happy. One of my favorite quotes.... "I am a neophobe that wants to change, but I am scared." -Steffan Lozinak about one of his friends

My New Favorite Quote

MultiSingularity — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 20:22:08 GMT

My screenname is multisingulrity and I am a big fan of the wholeness of conscienceness. It makes sensese that this is my new favorite quote. "I am you, you are me, we are us, we are we." -Steffan Lozinak I think it's absolutlely beautiful, and refers to all of sentient beings. We are one. :) (yay philosophy)

A poem collaborated by random words basically describing my lonliness

MultiSingularity — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 07:42:24 GMT

I am going to be as random as I can for lack of anything better to do. Drowning, feeling, knowing. Wanting, waiting, hoping. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I shouldn't be feeling, yet I am. Too fast, not fast enough. Being myself, am I good enough? I love me, yet feel lost. Alone always, yet never. Slipping away, holding a thread. Spinning, faster and faster.. Too fast, can't stop. I am me. You are you. We are we.... But what is us? Still spinning, out of control. Too many questions, too many thoughts. Why can't I stop thinking? Why can't I stop feeling? Why cant it stop? I am the color purple. I am comfort, I am warmth, I am love. I love this color. Blue is 1/2 of purple. ....So is Red. All I can do is wait... and hope. ... Let us hope together, that my hope can last. Ok, maybe that wasn't as random as I was hoping.

Simple Update

MultiSingularity — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 23:03:33 GMT

School - Still in it Contact Juggling - I think I am getting really good (or at least I like my progress). I can make it wave on one hand or with both hands together. I can do some spiraling it around the body, though not well yet. And a bunch of other stuff :). Also I LOVE my UV reactive ball. It's beautiful, feels nice, is fun to play with, and although this may sound weird, it seems to work with me more than the other balls I have used do. Guitar- I am still only OK at it. I can sit around and play random stuff without sounding horrid, but nothing too fast or good yet. I've written a song, but it has no music for it yet, just a rhythm. My Book - Still a ways from being done. I only work on it when I feel really motivated. PAINTING - This is a big one because I am really excited about it. I have an image in head for my next work. I have doodled it a couple times, but this one I feel is big. I love the idea and have told it to a couple people. I actually want to get canvas and paint for it. I am going to keep messing with it, but I am really looking forward to seeing it all done (eventually). Love to you all and thank you for giving me some of the attention I so always crave... hehe

Vibrations

MultiSingularity — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 22:24:42 GMT

Dance, music, moving a brush (painting), running, playing, sex, your heart beat, your lungs, everything that helps in the process of getting us to smile in this plain of existence involvels movement. Movement is the key to ones soul. The vibrations of a guitar string, to the feeling of those vibrations throughout your body (dance) are wonderous things. I'll keep this one short and to the point, vibrations are wonderful.