A letter to God.

Dear God,

Sadness and tears overflow my soul. I feel like I am losing friends to devices: Addiction, selfish delusion grandeurism; these are the devices that divide the world. It is as if the entire world is against me for speaking my truth. Why is it so hard being the only one who speaks against the machine.? :'-(
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And yet my own devices run strong: pulling me deeper into depression and alienation.
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh!aaaaaaaah1aaaaaaaaah! ah!
~tears~
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GOD WHY AM I HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DID YOU JUST PUT ME HERE TO FEEL PAIN OR IS THERE SOME GREATER REASON FOR ALL THIS?!?!?!?!?!
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Why is it that when I finally get to the point where I am feeling in place more problems arise? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
~sniffles~
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Please save my friends,
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Oh and if you have time please save me.
-Allen

Are you a rock star?

The Rock Star Generation

“I live for highs and lows
Anything goes
Dirty ass hoes put it all up my nose
Gimme that shot and am ready to go
Better watch out cause I hold you down
All you people cant handle this
Take control cause the question is
what’s my name do you really care
Give it to me now
cause am a rock star”

Do you know that song? I hear it all too often. The semi catchy lyrics and simple driving bass throb through bars and clubs I frequent almost every time I hear DnB, and I can’t help but wonder, “Why do people like this crap?” We are living through an interesting time, the time of the rock star generation. It seems that everyone born after 1975 has grown up glued to the tube; idolizing everything he or she sees on MTV; and looking to the talking heads for hope (I only wish I that I was talking about a band on that one.) Everybody wants to be a rock star; live like a rock star; party like a rock star.

We idolize selfish people, and our children grow up repeating catchy phrases and lyrics which emphasize degrading other people (especially the female sex), senseless self indulgence, and the worship of material goods. Then, we wonder why our cities, our towns, our country, our planet is so fucked up. We need only to look in the mirror.

I hate to say it but the evangelists are right about one thing, popular culture and the moral outlook of our country is destroying our world. It isn’t because God is mad though, it is because “we’re living beyond all our means. And the man in the suit has just bought a new tank off the profit he made of our dreams,” but where are the Low Sparks of High Healed Boys today?

Countless times I’ve been in and overheard these conversations where high minded folks like to go off onto armchair discussions about how to fix the world. Inevitably the solution I hear most people come up with is something like “the government should make a law,” or “universal healthcare.” Inevitably these conceptions always revolve around the term ‘they,’ “they should do something.” Who are ‘they?’ Why should ‘they’ do anything? What makes anyone think that ‘they’ are going to do anything different from what ‘they’ have been doing for the past time and memorial?

Personally, I don’t know ‘them,’ and from what I’ve gathered about ‘them’ I don’t trust ‘them’ to do anything that isn’t entirely self-serving and self-preserving. The food shortage is just getting started; as fossil fuels become scarcer our way of farming will be prove to be unsustainable even if the big climate change doesn’t fuck all that up first. You can bet that the people at the top have realized this sometime back. Conspiracy theories aside, if you knew the world was fucked what would you do? We can’t be pissed off at those people; of course they lied but why wouldn’t they. We have only ourselves to blame for buying it.

Also we can only expect to fix things for ourselves, because if we don’t who will? I suggest that we all get rid of our TV’s. Imagine all the time you would have to fill up with something more meaningful if you didn’t have a TV. We should also be prudent with our money; extravagant things, and an extravagant lifestyle were in the past, something reserved for the extravagantly wealthy. Not to say we shouldn’t be good to and treat ourselves; just that we should be wise about it and do so sparingly. We should also spend more time and effort teaching and nurturing our children and youth, though I’m sure with no TV’s in the house this will be a lot easier. We should be conservative, but not in the way they talk about on the TV. Truly conservative. We need reduce our waste, not only in terms of trash but of energy and time expenditure as well. Also we should try to maximize what we give and receive from our environment. By cultivating gardens and relationships our lives will receive and be blessed by the fruits of our love and labor. Most importantly we need to hope and plan. We need to hope for the best but plan for the worst.

We need to do this. We shouldn’t be doing these things to try to save the world, because no one person can. We need to be doing this to save ourselves, because if we don’t nobody else will. We also need to look to our friends and neighbors and ask them and teach them to do the same thing, because for all we do to save ourselves without unity salvation is only as good as who has the biggest gun. We need to grow up from the selfish children we have become and grow out into the stars. The real stars, the ones in the sky; not the ones stuck on a rock, because when it is all said and done the rock star generation is doomed to sink like a stone, and only those wise enough to leave it behind will rise above and float to the top.
-Allen Cole

its in the air.

I dunno what it is, but it seems like a madness is in the air lately. Maybe its just me.

Exercise in Futility

Strange things are about in my world, and right now it all reminds me of the musical clusterfuck going on in the other room. As I sit here and contemplate a friend of mine is experimenting with mixing records, and the results make me wanna shoot myself. He's trying to mix a goa album with Chemical Brothers "Hey boys Hey girls" which is sped up to 45, and the beats couldn't be further apart from each other. It's just wrong!

I feel like that in my life right now... I'm attending this metaphysics class, which is being ran by a 20 year old kid whose really only taken 2 classes. He takes the material SO seriously, and buys everything in the books hook line and sinker. There is so much good material in the class, yet at the same time it's way too new agey and missing out on a strong nature connection. It all seems slightly headie and egocentric to me. I would quit the class if it weren't for 2 things, I'm getting tired of quitting things just because I find a lot of flaws in them, and secondly I feel a soul connection with one of the other teachers there, I recognize her from some distant past life, I think she is suppose to lead me to something, but I basically have no opportunity to work with her because of the rigid structure of the school. You gotta take this class before you can move on etc.

On another note there is a girl in my life who I actually like and want to get to know better, and possibly somewhere down the line date, and she's giving me all the cues to say she feels the same... But, for some reason there is always something in the way keeping us from making it happen. All of this seems like an exercise in futility and it's totally frustrating. I think now I'll try and wash it my mental pallete with a glass of wine, and as the warm glow of alcohol seeps in I'll goto other realms in other places.
-Mor

Wonderlove

Ever changing,
Ever wandering,
For ever wondering,

Against the grain,
Not in the fold,
Why must i choose?

This place, that place,
Pick a place,
Go on faith!

But I'm not sure,
Sure is a boor,
How would I know if I'm right any ways?

Facts change,
and rearrange,
the fabric of reality is subjective.

My mind wonders,
So I wander and pace
from place to place,

And I'm not sure...
Is it wanderlust..?
Or Wonderlove?

I need a sign from above...

So what do I do?

I feel that I'm reaching an impasse in my life. There is a woman in my life whom I feel is like a soul sister to me, and that the resonating relationship that we have is beyond any sexual union. However I feel like very soon we are both approaching a fork in the road. One way seems a bit rockier, but I know where it leads, to the top of the mountain and the beginning of a stream, the other looks easy but leads down the other side of the mountain to a hot dry lake bed. I know where I'm going... We have only so much water to get us there. She wants to take the easy path to conserve the water, not knowing that it ends in a bad place.

For some time now i have seen my soul sister slump into a deep depression, becoming a slave to modern life. In her heart she know where the spirit lies, but is so consumed by fast food, consumerism, and the allure of the TV that she's following her misguided head. When I suggest that she get rid of the TV, or try to travel and experience more, suddenly I don't understand. She has children she has to think about... What seems to be missing is that the path shes walking down is taking those children to a very unfortunate place. In respecting their free will she's unknowingly depriving them of that very same thing by letting the mass media brainwash them in mislead them into a life of pain, suffering, and lonely disconnection.

Among our tribe we have far greater knowledge and experience than any public school and a sedentary life could ever impart upon those children(who I love as if they were my nieces.) But if she decides to walk down that other road... I feel that a great rift will be caused in the tribe, and I KNOW that our combined influence will be shattered, and the burden of walking up that hill will be all the more difficult and lonely for the few of us who choose that path, and those who walk down will vanish into the dust.

I see this woman waking up, I see the truth starting to flow through her once more. When I go over there the TV's off more, and she's starting to become excited and empowered in the world I am more hopeful than ever. Yet at the same time I know that fork is coming, its just over that next hill, or maybe the one after that, and if she's not ready by then, it'll be a sad day. Always i encourage her, encourage her to stretch, get an extra sip of that water, even carry the kids for a couple of miles so she can build her strength... but at a certain point there is a fine line between helping someone grow, and standing in his or her sunlight. With her presence our tribe is complete, and with her added influence her husband, children and many others will follow a path up the mountain to greatness...

What I am asking for here is not your advice(though I'm not rejecting it either.) What we need is your love, prayers, and support. Thank you my friends.
-Allen

Open your eyes

A recent series of random events lead me to this movie... It basically is the most eloquent representation of many sociological things that I have learned and been pondering in recent years. Throw away your TV's and join us in our own reality. Oh and say no to implants.
www.zeitgeistmovie.com/

Sweet heart

This week end I went to a rave in missouri to see diesel boy and bassnectar, and all though the rave was fun and deepened my relationships with people that I've known for some time now, that is not what I am writing about. After the party, the place was a mess, and being the kind of person that I am I felt like I should stay and help clean up. Given that opportunity, i decided to build myself a fire, and have a little vision quest, just me, the trees, the stars, and everything i don't know about sitting with a fire. Earlier in the week end I had noticed several dogs playing about at the rave and had assumed they either belonged to the people who owned the land, or to people at the party, except one of these dogs decided to come and sit with me on my visionquest.

She was such a sweet heart, so loving and affectionate, and brave too! She even stood up with me against the coyotes who kept trying to pester us on our journey, and thusly I fell in love immediately. Come to find out she was a stray that had been abandoned in the area, and the people who lived there had been taking care of several others, and once it was suggested I decided without hesitation to take her home. I named her sweet heart by the way.

Sweet heart is so scared of the car, and although she is loving she doesn't trust me yet. Serious abandonment issues. I love her so much and want her to have the good home she deserves! Back here at the ranch though things didn't go so well, I tryed to adjust her with my other two dogs but when i left one of them started to attack her vicsously.... The pitbull, roxy. Although i love roxy she's been nothing but problems since I got her, she was hard to house break and even still occasionally shits on the floor to piss me off, not to mention I keep finding bite makes on my first dog buddy. I don't trust her, because sometimes she's real loving and caring, and the rest of the time she freaks out. Basically she attacked this poor dog so bad while i was gone that my neighbors had to break it up. The other dog was submitting but roxy kept attacking, poor sweet heart, having had such a hard life already this is how she is welcomed to her new home. :(

We spent the passed couple hours doctoring and stitching her up, she'll live of course but she has alot of nasty cuts and things, so far we've put 6 stitches in, but she went into shock pretty bad so we just wrapped her final wound so that we can finish tomorrow. But now I have to get rid of the pitbull. I hate to do that to roxy, she's so fucked in the head and getting rid of her makes me feel so bad, but I can't do this any more. I'm afraid she's gonna bite and hurt somebody(she's already bit my room mate, but not bad enough to draw blood). I've never taken an animal to the pound before and I hope I never do again, but this dog is just out of control. I guess it's true what they say about pits.

This really sucks :(
-Allen

It's beginning to smell alot like christmas...

So today I walked out to my car to retrieve something from it and upon stepping into the crisp clean air, I noticed a certain smell, the smell of winter. That smell of coldness in the air, like the winds that roll in right before a snow storm. Naturally it didn't snow after that but I'm wondering what this winter has in store for us. Last winter, it remained warm until december and then snapped into one of the nastiest winters I've live through here.

The snow was novel at first, after spending so many years living in Tucson I had forgot what it was like. Then after the wear and tear on my car, and fall or two while DWI(Drunk Walking on Ice) my patience for the snow grew thinner than the ice. This year will be my room mates first true taste of winter as well, having just moved from phoenix this summer he's never known a cold winter of any kind and it will be interesting to see how he reacts.

All in all I feel like I'm entering a cacoon phase for the winter. This catapiller has known the leaves on many trees this summer, and now that I've gotten to know this little back yard, its time for me to climb in my case and do some growing and changing. How long will it take for me to internalize everything I've found and learn over the past 22 years, process it, and grow into the butterfly I am destined to become?

Tears of emotion well up to me,
as my eyes have seen many things,
grief, pain, sadness loneliness,
beauty, joy, love and hope.

When the hurt, shame, and ugliness of this world make me want to shut my eyes,
Memories of beauty and hope remind me to keep them open; I might miss something,
And when the loneliness, and pain make my eyes well up with tears,
The love and joy in my life makes me cry even harder.

This is life. The only choice is how to live it.

Who am I?

The other day I was pondering my interactions with others over the past few months and I feel that I don't communicate who I am well enough. So here it is:

I'm Allen, the Galactic Blue Monkey. I was born at 4:20 am 10/1/85 (for all you astrology nuts). Alot of what I do is concerned with trying to balance out spiritual energies, but this is difficult because where I live everyone seems so out of whack. When I finally get myself balanced it seems like some external influence comes in and tries to tip the scales again. Often times I play the role of a confidant and advisor to my friends. Generally my path follows that of a facillitator, I create the set and setting in which my friends might be able to find themselves, and I rely heavily on the socratic method to help them find these paths. Also I strongly endorse the power of touch. It seems that the energy exchange fostered through touch helps us humans to feel more real, more alive. I aspire to restabilize my life over the next few months in order to go back to school and become a licensed massage therapist. From there I wish to further expand my healing abilities through formal courses in herbal healing and other shamanic techniques.

My life is guided by the power of vision. I first noticed an aura on someone when I was 17, there was a black man standing by the river and he was adorned with a gold halo. I felt compelled to walk up to him and talk to him. When I did he was taken aback by the fact that I, a young white man, would approach him, an older black man in a bad part of the city late at night. We talked of common things, life, love, drinking, and the world. The last thing he said to me before leaving and disappearing into the darkness of the night was that one day I would be a great preacher. I argued this, being very against religion. He said I didn't understand what he meant right now, but shortly I would. A couple weeks later the first vision occured, and I decided it was a sign that I was to move back to Arizona, where my spiritual heart lies. A few months after that a voice came to me again and told me that I was to be a shaman and that I must now go and help people. Through the years I've had many other visions, and many different voices have come to visit me. They guide and lead me through life.

My soul feels very sensitive to the emotive forces of others. I don't fear or feel shame in crying. Violent movies disturb me very deeply. Some video games give me nightmares. In life I try to avoid analyzing or judging others in favor of simply observing, accepting, and coming to know them, though this seems a particularly difficult standard to hold to myself at times. As my handle suggests, I feel that I cocreate reality, and thusly am responsible for it. I hope that one day all humanity will understand this and take on the responsibility of self that is required to make the next step in spiritual transcedance... What ever that may be.

Recently I decided to give up the pursuit of sex, despite being successful in my ventures. The feeling is that the relationships that I have developed while seeking have left me unfulfilled, and have caused pain to others. I wonder why it is that the people that I fall in love with never love me in return, and those that I simply fuck become smitten with me. Hopefully this new direction might solve that problem for me, and that future lovers might want me enough to approach me.

My two dogs dogs love me, they obey me not because I scare them, but wrather because they trust me. Sometimes I follow them instead of the other way around because sometimes they know whats going on more than I do. I trust their judgements. They don't try to escape the yard, either despite the fact that niether of them has been "fixed."

I feel very pessimistic about the current cultural climate. The male driven dominator culture that has been developing over the past few thousand years is a plague upon our earth. Power over other lives has become an addiction wrather than a responsibility. Violence rules those who let it. However I feel that the violence and chaos that seems to be building might help people to see through the veils of illusion that bind them to such a superficial life, eventually freeing mankind. That thought scares me, and so I avoid being apart of it, wrather I would like to imagine myself as a person waiting on the other side with open arms. I welcome death, with open arms. If I am to be killed I love the person(s) who may end my life and thank them for allowing me to return to the realm of light and fire out of which I came.

The aim of my life resides in learning and loving as much as possible before I make that final journey to the otherside. Hopefully this grand adventure called myownreality might become a beautiful book which might inspire others, and excite them to the possibilities of life in this realm. Oh and I am part of this group called the infinity tribe, we really don't know what we're all about yet but it has something to do with exciting people into spiritual states. More on that later.