a Hafiz poem:

"First the fish needs to say
somethin ain't right about this
camel ride
and i am feelin
so
damn
thirsty."

my blog has moved to blogger

kinnarikreme.blogspot.com/

too hot to trot

i went to Bi-licious which absolutely rocked!

www.bi-licious.com/home.html

scott and paul wanna work with me so i'm totally pumped!

and i got to meet my lover's lover (we're all poly so who cares - no jealousy is the goal, right?) and really liked her. she had a piece in the performance and she was AWESOME! and very brave!

we had a double date there with my roomie trouble and his lover, my ex, ultrafuschia, and then we all ate at the little transfatfilled diner across the street: it's tops. (should be called: it's a heartattackwaitingtohappen). but it's a sf landmark and i almost always eat there if the three dollar bill cafe in the lgbt ctr is closed.

and yesterday, my lover treated me to the harmony festival which i'd never been to!

harmonyfestival.com/

it blew my leeeeetle mind! and heart and spirit! with how wonderful it was! that was so effin cool! green biz, alternative music, hippie flower power, beautiful trees and cool breezes, grape flavored snow cones, sea water foot baths, naked hippie children jumping in hot tubs, stoned 3rd generation hippie parents right next to their kids in DARE t-shirts (OH THE IRONY!!!!), and plenty of clean bathrooms. sorry folks, but for me it was wayyyyyyyyyy better than black rock city! (no wonder - it was designed by a woman so they actually paid attention to things like how many toilets per person and were they clean???) i loved it.

my fave music was these 4 young women in the goddess alchemy project! they are amazing! my lover and i were just blown away!
profile.myspace.com/index.cfm

the goddess temple was my fave place to hang out!
harmonyfestival.com/attracti...rove.html

i loved the art by mark henson (in the transformative arts village) and so many others!
marymagdaleneunveiled.blogspot.com/2007/08/more-honest-talks-with-mary-magdalene.html

i wanted it to last forever and never go away. i wanted to just camp down and move in and stay forever! i'm sure we'd have our own hippie problems but i prefer them to the default world!

it was one of the best weekends of my life! everyone of my friends was worried i'd faint (and me too) so i stayed super hydrated, sat down in the shade a LOT and napped at home often. my lover was amazingly supportive! i'm really impressed with him.

i'm a kickass feminist and i've confronted him about anything that struck me as sexist, and right away he quits. i think he wants to keep me and he knows i no longer put up with misogynist crapolapepsicola. (sorry, i couln't help that. it snuck out. that's how i say it in RL - it's a southern thang!)

and this morning i decided to come OUT to my two closest sisters. (i have 2 more siblings who i'm not telling. screw em' they're too fundie!) actually they're all too fundie but my 2 closest sisters at least kept writing me when i spoke out about sex abuse in the church of christ. the other two lambasted me for daring to say that there's any problems with christianity! ha! what a bunch of hypocrites.

the blonde lady at this "2 women and a poodle: gay intro straight america" gave me the courage to come out to my family.

www.gayintostraightamerica.com/in...tml

my tires are too deflated to bike, my car's registration is too out of date for me to drive (just made my appt with the DMV, those nazis of incompetence who keep failing to update my address even though i've done it online like a dozen times!), and it was too hot to walk to the y for my yoga class.

what to do????? what to do??????? i believe in exercising each day - it helps my psyche and my body mend and it gives me more energy.

so i just lay down and mistressbated all evening till my lover came.

i got my fan aimed at me, i got free amateur queer-friendly porn, what else do i need? nada!

ah, the good life!
whoohoo!

day of the feast of all senses

it's so much fun to have a national holiday! i adore holidays! i simply lay in bed and fuck all day.

my lover came over this morning. he did me up, he did me down. he went downtown, all the way to chinatown.

he bent me over in the shower and fucked me in the ass after making me come hard inside me, several times with his cock and a bunch with his magic thumb moves.

he's the only guy who's ever been able to make me come from just intercourse. daYmn but that man can fuck! and he just gets hard again so fast after fucking! and he can go forever after he's come once! (the first time he usually comes pretty quickly but after that we fuck for hours! and i love it both ways! it's exciting to be able to make him come so fast. and i love lingering, with him inside me pumping away.)

after we lay in bed and fucked about 20 different ways all morning, he took me out to my favorite breakfast place, after another quick fuck in the shower. i had the best yummiest lemon ricotta pancakes and chicken apple sausage. he had the tastiest french toast covered in graham cracker crumbs and the most divine eggs and thick bacon.



i love that he lets me finger fuck his ass. it's so cute. he moans and moans when i do that. he doesn't like me to go in very far, mostly to just toy with his rosebud, but i love that he enjoys that! i so enjoyed fucking him in the shower, stroking his cock with one hand and fingering his ass with the other.

and i look super cute with my purple love glove on!

we go through so many condoms! it's hilarious! he buys boxes of 32 and we go through those like kids through rock candy!

i've said it before and i'll say it again: after he leaves it looks like a safer sex factory just exploded in my bedroom! there are gloves and condoms and wrappers everywhere. it cracks me up and makes me feel so happy! i enjoy the mess.

i really love the contrast between him and my boyfriend. my boyfriend is very vanilla but i adore him! he doesn't like pussy juice and always wraps his finger in a kleenex after he finger fucks me. he's really OCD about some shit. (but i am too so we get along great and tease each other in an old married way.)

but my lover, after HE finger fucks me, he sucks all the juices off and smacks his lips and moans with pleasure saying "oh, i looooooooooooove the way you taaaaaaaaaaste!!!!!!"

damn, that's hot!

mmmmmmmmm i love how much he loves to cuddle me after sex. we "afterglow" for the longest time. he'll say "come here honey, let's afterglow." and i lay my head on his shoulder after we are thoroughly spent from fucking and then we fall sound asleep.

mmmmmm quite lovely!

i'm so divinely happy!

and i've got a fascinating coference to go to tomorrow and the next day!

i have to cook for the coho again tomorrow but i'm kinda looking forward to it. got some great new recipes i want to try from frugal foodies! a bean salad recipe from spain. and my neighbor is making a strawberry pie to go with it! yummy!

i've eaten so well today! i feel so blessed!!!! our coho dinner tonight was the best quiche with three kinds of cheese, one smoked and mushrooms! and it was so tender and moist and flaky! then we had a delicious salad and roasted asparagus which was still crisp and we had the most wonderful fresh thick chocolate chunk cookies!

the smell of the fresh baking wafted through my house as my lover and i were kissing and holding each other in bed, deeply sated from hours of sex. it was so erotic!

i feel so utterly grateful for my life today!



(the title for this blog came from my lover. each time we get together, he calls it "the day of the feast of all senses." and we revel in everything: taste, touch, smell, sight, and sound.)

retreat!!! retreat!!!!

i had an awesome time at my unitarian retreat!!!!

i'm too tarred out to blog much.

but we had us a great time!

yay!

and we had an earth worship pagan service this morning.

and the place we went is the only entirely green built campground in the country. it was hella cool - with signs everywhere and staff who told about the ecofriendly building process.
www.ymcaeastbay.org/camparroyo/

plus it was fucking gorgeous!

and i hiked to the top of the mountain range above it twice! my view at the top was of the reservoir pictured here.
www.ebparks.org/parks/del_valle

i sat and meditated at this very bench.

last night we gathered around the campfire and sang old songs like "if i had a hammer" and "rattlin' bog." and we toasted marshmallows for s'mores.

i missed my boyfriend bigtime! he was always so much fun at our retreats outside of nashville. he always led the band at the saturday night dance. and he usually did the sound for the talent show. and we'd cuddle around the campfire. everyone loved him and i got loved up on by all my friends. i felt lonely the first night at the retreat here in cali missing all my old friends.

last nights talent show was so much fun! the little kids stood up and did simple gymnastics, forgot the lyrics to their songs, played french horn and classical guitar badly and we clapped and clapped for them! we all thought they were just great! it's so great to see kids getting loved up on and receiving praise for just trying. they loved getting up and telling really stale knock knock jokes. the jokes were new to them and they thought they were soooo funny!

i missed my baby bad on friday night but by saturday, i'd made some new friends here. and by saturday night i was having the time of my life and i beat everyone at taboo and helped my team win! yay! i love word games. (and i'd come in last at scrabble the night before - some old guy spelled "treating" and got a zillion points! so i needed to redeem myself!)

frugal foodies!!!!!!!!

i just had an amazing gourmet dinner made from fresh organic ingredients for just $7! and i had a blast cooking it with friends and strangers.

frugal foodies is a concept started by moses in berkeley. my colleague andrea from green action (whom i met at a dow protest for the environment) invited me.
www.greenaction.org/

it's a simple idea. gather a bunch of folks who want to meet people, give them recipes and ingredients and have them cook together.
www.frugalfoodies.com/

andrea was the guest chef for tonight which means she came up with a theme, decided on the recipes, and was available for questions while we cooked. we paired up in teams of 2-4 for each recipe. tonight's theme was spanish tapas.

moses does little ice breakers so you get to know a little about each person before you cook together. i cooked with lon, an asian american man, who grew up in new jersey. we had a blast cutting and roasting potatoes, mixing them in olive oil and adding a sauce made from tomatoes, tobasco, more olive oil, paprika and red pepper leaves. it was yummy!

others made mushrooms topped with goat cheese; polenta squares with romano cheese, olive tapenade and artichokes; chard with pine nuts and scallions; sweet cherry tomatoes filled with tapenade and chives; fennel and romaine salad with organge slices; and a cold white bean salad. mmmmmmmm!!

(and the southern fruit tea i brought was a big hit!)
southernfood.about.com/od/bev...650.htm

we finished it off with chocolate lava cupcakes topped with strawberries.

wow!

that was so much fun and so delicious!

and we also heard from the founder of oakland food connection founded by justin who grew up right here in oaksterdam and is starting a farmer's market with youth from local high schools and elementary schools. he's teaching them the value of good healthy food and how to grow your own!
foodcommunityculture.org/

what a worthy cause!

i love all the ways food justice is being supported by creative young people with a broad vision!
departments.oxy.edu/uepi/cfj/



i feel so grateful tonight!

what a day i've had - so many blessings for which to be thankful!

a gorgeous hike around lake merritt - i'm still listening to those self esteem tapes i got from our freebie cohousing table which are full of cheesy 1980's psychobabble. but daYmn if they don't really raise my sense of self awareness and ease my psychic pain from being abused.

and i took all my financial info up to the YMCA to attend their Financial Assistance Orientation. i was accepted so now i can take all the yoga i want for just 39 a month! i love the Y. my kids and i have been members for 20something years.
www.ymcaeastbay.org/

(i had no idea they had a very anti-women's rights history and were very discriminatory of lgbt folks in their hiring and firing for decades. but at least here in the bay area, they've changed a lot of that and they are no longer a religious organization. their fascinating beginnings are documented in the historical fiction of marge piercy.)
www.margepiercy.com/books/Sex-Wars.htm

i'm happy to say that in the south, they were the first organization which had integrated pools. and they've scholarshipped millions of kids who would otherwise have no access to fun sports, dance, swim team and summer camp.

may you all be blessed with peace, love, joy, sunshine and good food as i have today!

writers, depression, gratitude and soul food

i just had dinner with an amazing author! she's a woman i read in grad school who saved my life. literally she really did save me!

her books are all about femicide, sexual assault and domestic violence. not pretty reading!

but her book on marital rape saved me from killing myself or my husband. she gave me a way of understanding what was happening to me.

i met her accidentally (of course i know there are people who believe there are no accidents). i was looking for a room to rent in berkeley and she had an ad. after meeting her i realized she was THE diana russell who is the only writer i know of documenting women's experiences of rape in marriage.

she's really quite astounding woman! she travels all over the world speaking out against the misogynous murder of women and against sexual crimes and against the kind of porn that exploits women. she's the first person who coined the term "femicide" to refer to murders in which the person is killed specifically because of sexism. the term hasn't caught on much here in the states but has had wild success in latin america where there are huge rallies and laws being written to stop it. she's a very brave woman.

she's also strikes me as very fragile and probably deeply depressed. she was kind enough to open her heart to me and tell me of some of the challenging things she's been through - she's writing her memoirs and it's bringing up all kinds of painful memories for her.

we compared notes on oppressive marriages, both of us having lived through sexual violence, and how fascinating it is to write about one's own life.

i've met many folks who've dedicated their lives to fighting for social justice and some of them have paid an enormous price. they seem to have had the fun and zest for life leeched out of them. i feel sadness for them. they seem not to know when to stop the constant activism and nurture themselves and let someone else fight the battle. then again, where would we be without these sheroes? they give their lives for the community. and they change the world.

today i sat through several colossally stupid movies with my lover! i didn't feel like laying in bed and making love all day - which is what we usually do when we're together. i had cabin fever. so we went out.

first: to see "made of honor" and walked out half way through due to it being so - what's the word i'm looking for - boring!!!!!!!!!! absolutely lifeless. not a laugh or a believable scenario or even an interesting one in the whole thing!!!

then we sauntered over to "iron man" but the dreadful torture scenes, the horrific violence, the arrogance of the protagonist and the simpering second-class-citizen-status-accepting leading lady made me walk out half way through as well.

we then tried "harold and kumar escape from guantanamo bay." and if you don't mind frat boy humor it was actually very funny. i laughed a lot. but it's full of sexist images of women and men and very predictable so i can't recommend it. (what's the point - i mean it's harold and kumar! asking them to be intelligent is like asking american cheese to taste subtle.) the movie did do a great job of pointing out stereotypes and racism though. and the villain is the head of homeland security and the "president*" bush impresario does tell his father to fuck off so that was immensely enjoyable.

saturday i gave the queer cuddle. not nearly as many people showed up as rsvp'd so i was disappointed. but i decided i could either pout or have fun. i chose to have fun. and i really liked all the people who came.

waldemar dressed up in a fabulous tiger costume, danced and juggled with some really cool sock/balls, tied me up with his own rope and was a big sweetheart! chriss, who gave chair massages at the last cuddle, came, and we had a great time talking deeply about the sexist messages that boys get when they are growing up. i've always claimed that sexism hurts men too so that's a huge reason for men to become feminists. several men shared about the messages they received in childhood about what it means to "be a man" and how verboten it was to express tenderness, how deadly to desire another boy's touch.

i like creating queer space! i love holding space for men to be queer and for women to admit we like other women. it's just sooooooooo different than the default society's straight space.

my sweet lover brought popsicles for everyone but i forgot to hand them out. it had been so fucking hot all last week! i wish i'd remembered!

i woke up very depressed this morning but read pema chodron's book "the places that scare you." her work heals me on a very deep level. she helps me recognize when i'm being a perfectionist and using self aggression to try to be a better person. it so backfires - this notion of punishing oneself for not being perfect! what a load of protestant crap i was raised with! the idea that you must constantly strive to be a better person and you should never be satisfied with your performance. bleccccccccccccccchhhhh! i'm so sick of those self defeating messages. they really don't accomplish anything except to make you unhappy.

how wonderful it is to finally learn to be gentle with myself. to finally admit that i'll never be perfect. and that no organization or job or lover or boyfriend will either! how useless to pine for perfection and fail to be grateful for what is right in front of me!!!

yesterday, after singing my little pagan/atheist heart out at the unitarian church, i strolled the farmer's market with my roommate and his lover. she used to be my lover but i'm happy to share her. (we're all poly so it really doesn't matter! and anyway i'd been wanting to break it off since almost all my energy is going to my current lover.) i adore her. we've become really good friends. i think we make much better friends than lovers anyway. she is one of the most generous people i've ever met. very kind and very fun. she's also very brave! an out geek at a company where few people are OUT. she's been a bi activist for over 20 years now and i love to hear her stories.

i adore my roommate! he and his girlfriend brought all the fixins for wine coolers for the cuddle party. and they bought tons of ice and made us fresh drinks all night long! with lime and some fruity stuff mixed with white wine.

we all ate lunch yesterday together at the chicken and waffles place in oakland by the embarcadero on jack london square. and i adore soul food! who'da thunk chicken would be good with waffles???? but daYmn - it is!!! and that place was just chock full of people chowing down on southern cooking - where mac and cheese is still considered a vegetable! pies, cakes, buttermilk coated-&-fried chicken in every imaginable combo - even with grits! i love me some grits!!!!!!!!!!!

i love walking over to jack london from my place - it's so close and the breezes from the bay are so refreshing! i walked there again today - only briefly but enough to enervate me.

i think i'm handling my depression pretty well. every time i'm tempted to just give up and give in to the sadness and anxiety that sometimes threatens to overtake me - some break in the clouds appears.

yesterday morning i woke scared about money and so lonely from missing my kids. but we sang such spirited music at church that it just gave me shivers of joy! i love the latin hymn: ubi caritas. i sang it in college choir years ago. our choir overlaid it with a yoruban chant yesterday - it was beautiful!!!! i'd never heard it done like that and couldn't imagine that working! but it did. they also sang another african hymn: siphamanda. i love that song - we used to sing it at my church in nashville. it's so happy! "we are marching in the light of god!" and another song we sang in oakland was written by my music minister back in nashville! he's a prolific song writer and a very creative musician who performed many times with my boyfriend's band.

i feel happy that all these little things can add up and give me joy. i feel happy that i am no longer always at the mercy of painful feelings - that i can see myself starting to feel depressed and actively make a choice about it - to go for a walk to clear my head of worry, or to be honest with a friend and tell her or him that i'm really struggling. or to eat something delicious and to feel deeply thankful for it.

today my lover took me again to breads of india. he likes to take me out each time he comes over. that is so sweet of him. he is very solicitous of my feelings sometimes. he knew i'd been feeling down lately so he called me to check on me tonight. what a sweetie!

and now i'm off to snack on my farmer's market goodies: peaches, strawberries and cherries from organic farmers!

www.amazon.com/Rape-Marri.../0253205638
www.dianarussell.com/index1.html
aff.sagepub.com/cgi/conten...tract/6/4/8
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oakland_Estuary
www.pcfma.com/marketdetail.php







* i always put "president" bush's title in quotes since he stole two elections. he's not my president! i bought a bumper sticker counting down the days till we get a new one!

becoming multiorgasmic

i am utterly miserable in the california heatwave.

all you east coasters, and midwesterners and cheeseheads can rejoice you're not here.

ok, we have heat waves down south quite regularly BUT WE HAVE AIR CONDITIONING TO COPE WITH IT!!!!!!

i'm so friggin hot. i can't get nothing done!

all i did yesterday was sit around in my undies, take a bunch of cold showers, go to target and stand in the long line of PEOPLE BUYING FANS.

i'm in a foul mood!

even my lover coming over only cheered me up briefly. (well, okay more than briefly - for about 5 hours he gave me nonstop orgasms. and i really hate when women's mags talk about mulit-orgasmic women - it always made me wanna shoot somebody. or at least engage them in a long intellectual conversation about why sex should not be an olympic sport and why are they continuing articles that make women feel like they have to compete????? but daYamn! that man makes me come for hours. i've never had anything like it. i'm just sayin.....)

heat makes me cranky, nostalgic, sentimental, unbearable, and naked - and not in a sexy way - in an old man sweaty way!!!!!!!!!

what the hell to do??????






i'll be updating my complaint on here regularly.

another thing:

i have been successfully boycotting starfucks for years. (with a very few slips)

but yesterday, i roamed my neighborhood in search of ANYWHERE THAT HAD AIR CONDITIONING, the bank, the deli, the hair salon - i was willing to get another hairstyle! - nowhere had air conditioning!!!!!!!!! (i live in a historic district.)

finally, i walked my tired ass into starfucks and ordered the hugest frappacino they had.

it was heaven.

what the hell is wrong with me?

i'm a devout and proud hippie. i should not like starfucks.

but i secretly do.

very much.


i went to the marina to try to get some relief. usually there are wonderful cool breezes there.

i walked and walked in search of a breeze. BUT NO!!!!!!!!! yesterday, when the wind blew it was like THE BREATH OF SATAN! it was hot and oppressive.

i could see the beautiful golden gate bridge and the city all sparkling across the bay but it brought me NONE of my usual joy.

i never thought i'd grow nostalgic for HOUSTONBUTTFUCKING TEXASSSSSSSSS. but i did.

downtown there they have tunnels so you don't have to walk in the oppressive heat to get anywhere.

and EVERYWHERE IS AIR CONDITIONED.

i wanna stop global warming now. can we just offer up bush and cheney as sacrifices to the sun god/dess and maybe s/he'll cut us a break?



(with apologies to freebooters for reposting)