Dear Diary

a Hafiz poem:

newbie — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 02:37:23 GMT

"First the fish needs to say somethin ain't right about this camel ride and i am feelin so damn thirsty."

my blog has moved to blogger

newbie — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 21:37:56 GMT

http://kinnarikreme.blogspot.com/

too hot to trot

newbie — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 01:48:37 GMT

i went to Bi-licious which absolutely rocked! http://www.bi-licious.com/home.html scott and paul wanna work with me so i'm totally pumped! and i got to meet my lover's lover (we're all poly so who cares - no jealousy is the goal, right?) and really liked her. she had a piece in the performance and she was AWESOME! and very brave! we had a double date there with my roomie trouble and his lover, my ex, ultrafuschia, and then we all ate at the little transfatfilled diner across the street: it's tops. (should be called: it's a heartattackwaitingtohappen). but it's a sf landmark and i almost always eat there if the three dollar bill cafe in the lgbt ctr is closed. and yesterday, my lover treated me to the harmony festival which i'd never been to! http://harmonyfestival.com/ it blew my leeeeetle mind! and heart and spirit! with how wonderful it was! that was so effin cool! green biz, alternative music, hippie flower power, beautiful trees and cool breezes, grape flavored snow cones, sea water foot baths, naked hippie children jumping in hot tubs, stoned 3rd generation hippie parents right next to their kids in DARE t-shirts (OH THE IRONY!!!!), and plenty of clean bathrooms. sorry folks, but for me it was wayyyyyyyyyy better than black rock city! (no wonder - it was designed by a woman so they actually paid attention to things like how many toilets per person and were they clean???) i loved it. my fave music was these 4 young women in the goddess alchemy project! they are amazing! my lover and i were just blown away! http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=131153538 the goddess temple was my fave place to hang out! http://harmonyfestival.com/attractions/goddess-grove.html i loved the art by mark henson (in the transformative arts village) and so many others! http://marymagdaleneunveiled.blogspot.com/2007/08/more-honest-talks-with-mary-magdalene.html i wanted it to last forever and never go away. i wanted to just camp down and move in and stay forever! i'm sure we'd have our own hippie problems but i prefer them to the default world! it was one of the best weekends of my life! everyone of my friends was worried i'd faint (and me too) so i stayed super hydrated, sat down in the shade a LOT and napped at home often. my lover was amazingly supportive! i'm really impressed with him. i'm a kickass feminist and i've confronted him about anything that struck me as sexist, and right away he quits. i think he wants to keep me and he knows i no longer put up with misogynist crapolapepsicola. (sorry, i couln't help that. it snuck out. that's how i say it in RL - it's a southern thang!) and this morning i decided to come OUT to my two closest sisters. (i have 2 more siblings who i'm not telling. screw em' they're too fundie!) actually they're all too fundie but my 2 closest sisters at least kept writing me when i spoke out about sex abuse in the church of christ. the other two lambasted me for daring to say that there's any problems with christianity! ha! what a bunch of hypocrites. the blonde lady at this "2 women and a poodle: gay intro straight america" gave me the courage to come out to my family. http://www.gayintostraightamerica.com/index.html my tires are too deflated to bike, my car's registration is too out of date for me to drive (just made my appt with the DMV, those nazis of incompetence who keep failing to update my address even though i've done it online like a dozen times!), and it was too hot to walk to the y for my yoga class. what to do????? what to do??????? i believe in exercising each day - it helps my psyche and my body mend and it gives me more energy. so i just lay down and mistressbated all evening till my lover came. i got my fan aimed at me, i got free amateur queer-friendly porn, what else do i need? nada! ah, the good life! whoohoo!

day of the feast of all senses

newbie — Tue, 27 May 2008 04:22:37 GMT

it's so much fun to have a national holiday! i adore holidays! i simply lay in bed and fuck all day. my lover came over this morning. he did me up, he did me down. he went downtown, all the way to chinatown. he bent me over in the shower and fucked me in the ass after making me come hard inside me, several times with his cock and a bunch with his magic thumb moves. he's the only guy who's ever been able to make me come from just intercourse. daYmn but that man can fuck! and he just gets hard again so fast after fucking! and he can go forever after he's come once! (the first time he usually comes pretty quickly but after that we fuck for hours! and i love it both ways! it's exciting to be able to make him come so fast. and i love lingering, with him inside me pumping away.) after we lay in bed and fucked about 20 different ways all morning, he took me out to my favorite breakfast place, after another quick fuck in the shower. i had the best yummiest lemon ricotta pancakes and chicken apple sausage. he had the tastiest french toast covered in graham cracker crumbs and the most divine eggs and thick bacon. i love that he lets me finger fuck his ass. it's so cute. he moans and moans when i do that. he doesn't like me to go in very far, mostly to just toy with his rosebud, but i love that he enjoys that! i so enjoyed fucking him in the shower, stroking his cock with one hand and fingering his ass with the other. and i look super cute with my purple love glove on! we go through so many condoms! it's hilarious! he buys boxes of 32 and we go through those like kids through rock candy! i've said it before and i'll say it again: after he leaves it looks like a safer sex factory just exploded in my bedroom! there are gloves and condoms and wrappers everywhere. it cracks me up and makes me feel so happy! i enjoy the mess. i really love the contrast between him and my boyfriend. my boyfriend is very vanilla but i adore him! he doesn't like pussy juice and always wraps his finger in a kleenex after he finger fucks me. he's really OCD about some shit. (but i am too so we get along great and tease each other in an old married way.) but my lover, after HE finger fucks me, he sucks all the juices off and smacks his lips and moans with pleasure saying "oh, i looooooooooooove the way you taaaaaaaaaaste!!!!!!" damn, that's hot! mmmmmmmmm i love how much he loves to cuddle me after sex. we "afterglow" for the longest time. he'll say "come here honey, let's afterglow." and i lay my head on his shoulder after we are thoroughly spent from fucking and then we fall sound asleep. mmmmmm quite lovely! i'm so divinely happy! and i've got a fascinating coference to go to tomorrow and the next day! i have to cook for the coho again tomorrow but i'm kinda looking forward to it. got some great new recipes i want to try from frugal foodies! a bean salad recipe from spain. and my neighbor is making a strawberry pie to go with it! yummy! i've eaten so well today! i feel so blessed!!!! our coho dinner tonight was the best quiche with three kinds of cheese, one smoked and mushrooms! and it was so tender and moist and flaky! then we had a delicious salad and roasted asparagus which was still crisp and we had the most wonderful fresh thick chocolate chunk cookies! the smell of the fresh baking wafted through my house as my lover and i were kissing and holding each other in bed, deeply sated from hours of sex. it was so erotic! i feel so utterly grateful for my life today! (the title for this blog came from my lover. each time we get together, he calls it "the day of the feast of all senses." and we revel in everything: taste, touch, smell, sight, and sound.)

retreat!!! retreat!!!!

newbie — Mon, 26 May 2008 06:19:59 GMT

i had an awesome time at my unitarian retreat!!!! i'm too tarred out to blog much. but we had us a great time! yay! and we had an earth worship pagan service this morning. and the place we went is the only entirely green built campground in the country. it was hella cool - with signs everywhere and staff who told about the ecofriendly building process. http://www.ymcaeastbay.org/camparroyo/ plus it was fucking gorgeous! and i hiked to the top of the mountain range above it twice! my view at the top was of the reservoir pictured here. http://www.ebparks.org/parks/del_valle i sat and meditated at this very bench. last night we gathered around the campfire and sang old songs like "if i had a hammer" and "rattlin' bog." and we toasted marshmallows for s'mores. i missed my boyfriend bigtime! he was always so much fun at our retreats outside of nashville. he always led the band at the saturday night dance. and he usually did the sound for the talent show. and we'd cuddle around the campfire. everyone loved him and i got loved up on by all my friends. i felt lonely the first night at the retreat here in cali missing all my old friends. last nights talent show was so much fun! the little kids stood up and did simple gymnastics, forgot the lyrics to their songs, played french horn and classical guitar badly and we clapped and clapped for them! we all thought they were just great! it's so great to see kids getting loved up on and receiving praise for just trying. they loved getting up and telling really stale knock knock jokes. the jokes were new to them and they thought they were soooo funny! i missed my baby bad on friday night but by saturday, i'd made some new friends here. and by saturday night i was having the time of my life and i beat everyone at taboo and helped my team win! yay! i love word games. (and i'd come in last at scrabble the night before - some old guy spelled "treating" and got a zillion points! so i needed to redeem myself!)

frugal foodies!!!!!!!!

newbie — Wed, 21 May 2008 06:05:34 GMT

i just had an amazing gourmet dinner made from fresh organic ingredients for just $7! and i had a blast cooking it with friends and strangers. frugal foodies is a concept started by moses in berkeley. my colleague andrea from green action (whom i met at a dow protest for the environment) invited me. http://www.greenaction.org/ it's a simple idea. gather a bunch of folks who want to meet people, give them recipes and ingredients and have them cook together. http://www.frugalfoodies.com/ andrea was the guest chef for tonight which means she came up with a theme, decided on the recipes, and was available for questions while we cooked. we paired up in teams of 2-4 for each recipe. tonight's theme was spanish tapas. moses does little ice breakers so you get to know a little about each person before you cook together. i cooked with lon, an asian american man, who grew up in new jersey. we had a blast cutting and roasting potatoes, mixing them in olive oil and adding a sauce made from tomatoes, tobasco, more olive oil, paprika and red pepper leaves. it was yummy! others made mushrooms topped with goat cheese; polenta squares with romano cheese, olive tapenade and artichokes; chard with pine nuts and scallions; sweet cherry tomatoes filled with tapenade and chives; fennel and romaine salad with organge slices; and a cold white bean salad. mmmmmmmm!! (and the southern fruit tea i brought was a big hit!) http://southernfood.about.com/od/beveragerecipes/r/blbb650.htm we finished it off with chocolate lava cupcakes topped with strawberries. wow! that was so much fun and so delicious! and we also heard from the founder of oakland food connection founded by justin who grew up right here in oaksterdam and is starting a farmer's market with youth from local high schools and elementary schools. he's teaching them the value of good healthy food and how to grow your own! http://foodcommunityculture.org/ what a worthy cause! i love all the ways food justice is being supported by creative young people with a broad vision! http://departments.oxy.edu/uepi/cfj/ i feel so grateful tonight! what a day i've had - so many blessings for which to be thankful! a gorgeous hike around lake merritt - i'm still listening to those self esteem tapes i got from our freebie cohousing table which are full of cheesy 1980's psychobabble. but daYmn if they don't really raise my sense of self awareness and ease my psychic pain from being abused. and i took all my financial info up to the YMCA to attend their Financial Assistance Orientation. i was accepted so now i can take all the yoga i want for just 39 a month! i love the Y. my kids and i have been members for 20something years. http://www.ymcaeastbay.org/ (i had no idea they had a very anti-women's rights history and were very discriminatory of lgbt folks in their hiring and firing for decades. but at least here in the bay area, they've changed a lot of that and they are no longer a religious organization. their fascinating beginnings are documented in the historical fiction of marge piercy.) http://www.margepiercy.com/books/Sex-Wars.htm i'm happy to say that in the south, they were the first organization which had integrated pools. and they've scholarshipped millions of kids who would otherwise have no access to fun sports, dance, swim team and summer camp. may you all be blessed with peace, love, joy, sunshine and good food as i have today!

writers, depression, gratitude and soul food

newbie — Tue, 20 May 2008 05:41:20 GMT

i just had dinner with an amazing author! she's a woman i read in grad school who saved my life. literally she really did save me! her books are all about femicide, sexual assault and domestic violence. not pretty reading! but her book on marital rape saved me from killing myself or my husband. she gave me a way of understanding what was happening to me. i met her accidentally (of course i know there are people who believe there are no accidents). i was looking for a room to rent in berkeley and she had an ad. after meeting her i realized she was THE diana russell who is the only writer i know of documenting women's experiences of rape in marriage. she's really quite astounding woman! she travels all over the world speaking out against the misogynous murder of women and against sexual crimes and against the kind of porn that exploits women. she's the first person who coined the term "femicide" to refer to murders in which the person is killed specifically because of sexism. the term hasn't caught on much here in the states but has had wild success in latin america where there are huge rallies and laws being written to stop it. she's a very brave woman. she's also strikes me as very fragile and probably deeply depressed. she was kind enough to open her heart to me and tell me of some of the challenging things she's been through - she's writing her memoirs and it's bringing up all kinds of painful memories for her. we compared notes on oppressive marriages, both of us having lived through sexual violence, and how fascinating it is to write about one's own life. i've met many folks who've dedicated their lives to fighting for social justice and some of them have paid an enormous price. they seem to have had the fun and zest for life leeched out of them. i feel sadness for them. they seem not to know when to stop the constant activism and nurture themselves and let someone else fight the battle. then again, where would we be without these sheroes? they give their lives for the community. and they change the world. today i sat through several colossally stupid movies with my lover! i didn't feel like laying in bed and making love all day - which is what we usually do when we're together. i had cabin fever. so we went out. first: to see "made of honor" and walked out half way through due to it being so - what's the word i'm looking for - boring!!!!!!!!!! absolutely lifeless. not a laugh or a believable scenario or even an interesting one in the whole thing!!! then we sauntered over to "iron man" but the dreadful torture scenes, the horrific violence, the arrogance of the protagonist and the simpering second-class-citizen-status-accepting leading lady made me walk out half way through as well. we then tried "harold and kumar escape from guantanamo bay." and if you don't mind frat boy humor it was actually very funny. i laughed a lot. but it's full of sexist images of women and men and very predictable so i can't recommend it. (what's the point - i mean it's harold and kumar! asking them to be intelligent is like asking american cheese to taste subtle.) the movie did do a great job of pointing out stereotypes and racism though. and the villain is the head of homeland security and the "president*" bush impresario does tell his father to fuck off so that was immensely enjoyable. saturday i gave the queer cuddle. not nearly as many people showed up as rsvp'd so i was disappointed. but i decided i could either pout or have fun. i chose to have fun. and i really liked all the people who came. waldemar dressed up in a fabulous tiger costume, danced and juggled with some really cool sock/balls, tied me up with his own rope and was a big sweetheart! chriss, who gave chair massages at the last cuddle, came, and we had a great time talking deeply about the sexist messages that boys get when they are growing up. i've always claimed that sexism hurts men too so that's a huge reason for men to become feminists. several men shared about the messages they received in childhood about what it means to "be a man" and how verboten it was to express tenderness, how deadly to desire another boy's touch. i like creating queer space! i love holding space for men to be queer and for women to admit we like other women. it's just sooooooooo different than the default society's straight space. my sweet lover brought popsicles for everyone but i forgot to hand them out. it had been so fucking hot all last week! i wish i'd remembered! i woke up very depressed this morning but read pema chodron's book "the places that scare you." her work heals me on a very deep level. she helps me recognize when i'm being a perfectionist and using self aggression to try to be a better person. it so backfires - this notion of punishing oneself for not being perfect! what a load of protestant crap i was raised with! the idea that you must constantly strive to be a better person and you should never be satisfied with your performance. bleccccccccccccccchhhhh! i'm so sick of those self defeating messages. they really don't accomplish anything except to make you unhappy. how wonderful it is to finally learn to be gentle with myself. to finally admit that i'll never be perfect. and that no organization or job or lover or boyfriend will either! how useless to pine for perfection and fail to be grateful for what is right in front of me!!! yesterday, after singing my little pagan/atheist heart out at the unitarian church, i strolled the farmer's market with my roommate and his lover. she used to be my lover but i'm happy to share her. (we're all poly so it really doesn't matter! and anyway i'd been wanting to break it off since almost all my energy is going to my current lover.) i adore her. we've become really good friends. i think we make much better friends than lovers anyway. she is one of the most generous people i've ever met. very kind and very fun. she's also very brave! an out geek at a company where few people are OUT. she's been a bi activist for over 20 years now and i love to hear her stories. i adore my roommate! he and his girlfriend brought all the fixins for wine coolers for the cuddle party. and they bought tons of ice and made us fresh drinks all night long! with lime and some fruity stuff mixed with white wine. we all ate lunch yesterday together at the chicken and waffles place in oakland by the embarcadero on jack london square. and i adore soul food! who'da thunk chicken would be good with waffles???? but daYmn - it is!!! and that place was just chock full of people chowing down on southern cooking - where mac and cheese is still considered a vegetable! pies, cakes, buttermilk coated-&-fried chicken in every imaginable combo - even with grits! i love me some grits!!!!!!!!!!! i love walking over to jack london from my place - it's so close and the breezes from the bay are so refreshing! i walked there again today - only briefly but enough to enervate me. i think i'm handling my depression pretty well. every time i'm tempted to just give up and give in to the sadness and anxiety that sometimes threatens to overtake me - some break in the clouds appears. yesterday morning i woke scared about money and so lonely from missing my kids. but we sang such spirited music at church that it just gave me shivers of joy! i love the latin hymn: ubi caritas. i sang it in college choir years ago. our choir overlaid it with a yoruban chant yesterday - it was beautiful!!!! i'd never heard it done like that and couldn't imagine that working! but it did. they also sang another african hymn: siphamanda. i love that song - we used to sing it at my church in nashville. it's so happy! "we are marching in the light of god!" and another song we sang in oakland was written by my music minister back in nashville! he's a prolific song writer and a very creative musician who performed many times with my boyfriend's band. i feel happy that all these little things can add up and give me joy. i feel happy that i am no longer always at the mercy of painful feelings - that i can see myself starting to feel depressed and actively make a choice about it - to go for a walk to clear my head of worry, or to be honest with a friend and tell her or him that i'm really struggling. or to eat something delicious and to feel deeply thankful for it. today my lover took me again to breads of india. he likes to take me out each time he comes over. that is so sweet of him. he is very solicitous of my feelings sometimes. he knew i'd been feeling down lately so he called me to check on me tonight. what a sweetie! and now i'm off to snack on my farmer's market goodies: peaches, strawberries and cherries from organic farmers! http://www.amazon.com/Rape-Marriage-Diana-E-Russell/dp/0253205638 http://www.dianarussell.com/index1.html http://aff.sagepub.com/cgi/content/abstract/6/4/8 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oakland_Estuary http://www.pcfma.com/marketdetail.php?market_id=5 * i always put "president" bush's title in quotes since he stole two elections. he's not my president! i bought a bumper sticker counting down the days till we get a new one!

becoming multiorgasmic

newbie — Fri, 16 May 2008 17:00:07 GMT

i am utterly miserable in the california heatwave. all you east coasters, and midwesterners and cheeseheads can rejoice you're not here. ok, we have heat waves down south quite regularly BUT WE HAVE AIR CONDITIONING TO COPE WITH IT!!!!!! i'm so friggin hot. i can't get nothing done! all i did yesterday was sit around in my undies, take a bunch of cold showers, go to target and stand in the long line of PEOPLE BUYING FANS. i'm in a foul mood! even my lover coming over only cheered me up briefly. (well, okay more than briefly - for about 5 hours he gave me nonstop orgasms. and i really hate when women's mags talk about mulit-orgasmic women - it always made me wanna shoot somebody. or at least engage them in a long intellectual conversation about why sex should not be an olympic sport and why are they continuing articles that make women feel like they have to compete????? but daYamn! that man makes me come for hours. i've never had anything like it. i'm just sayin.....) heat makes me cranky, nostalgic, sentimental, unbearable, and naked - and not in a sexy way - in an old man sweaty way!!!!!!!!! what the hell to do?????? i'll be updating my complaint on here regularly. another thing: i have been successfully boycotting starfucks for years. (with a very few slips) but yesterday, i roamed my neighborhood in search of ANYWHERE THAT HAD AIR CONDITIONING, the bank, the deli, the hair salon - i was willing to get another hairstyle! - nowhere had air conditioning!!!!!!!!! (i live in a historic district.) finally, i walked my tired ass into starfucks and ordered the hugest frappacino they had. it was heaven. what the hell is wrong with me? i'm a devout and proud hippie. i should not like starfucks. but i secretly do. very much. i went to the marina to try to get some relief. usually there are wonderful cool breezes there. i walked and walked in search of a breeze. BUT NO!!!!!!!!! yesterday, when the wind blew it was like THE BREATH OF SATAN! it was hot and oppressive. i could see the beautiful golden gate bridge and the city all sparkling across the bay but it brought me NONE of my usual joy. i never thought i'd grow nostalgic for HOUSTONBUTTFUCKING TEXASSSSSSSSS. but i did. downtown there they have tunnels so you don't have to walk in the oppressive heat to get anywhere. and EVERYWHERE IS AIR CONDITIONED. i wanna stop global warming now. can we just offer up bush and cheney as sacrifices to the sun god/dess and maybe s/he'll cut us a break? (with apologies to freebooters for reposting)

doing it when you don't feel like it

newbie — Thu, 08 May 2008 08:13:25 GMT

i don't feel like blogging. so then why'm i doing it? cuz i want so much to capture my first few years in the bay area since my transition here has been so powerful. this one will be short and sweet: every week i spend about 3 days or nights with my newest lover, the persian. i still have the hots for him and he keeps finding all new ways to keep me satisfied. this week, i was bored in bed and wanted to go for a walk instead. but we had limited time together so i wanted to spend it with him. it's hard scheduling around both of our busy lives plus we both have primary partners' schedules to consider. he tied a blindfold around my eyes, one of my fave black and white bandannas. then he pulled out all kinds of goodies from my bedside table (i keep all sorts of stimuli in there - mental and physical!) many of the items he used were not intended for sensation play, but he made them feel so good on my body. then he plopped little drops of strawberry yogurt on my body while i was blinded. that was fun! and he licked them off me. (trader joe's belgian chocolate pudding is good for this too - we tried both. mmmmmmmmmm) he is so damn hot! i just adore him. he makes me come so many diff ways. sunday i worked the maker faire. i loved that event! technogeeky folks combined with crafty people, combined with greening advocates, combined with burner art - big shit that blew up!!! - and steampunk culture and of course, my fave snack, kettle corn!!!! and lots of great new music i'd never heard before. that was fun!!!!!!!!!!!! i worked play day with michaeltheassholemoderatorofbaos. i decided i actually like him in person. he's an ass online, (randomly kicking off anyone who he doesn't like from his very popular tribe and thriving on their confusion) but in person he's a sweetheart and very funny and interesting. go figure! ha! friday i danced with the shamanic cheerleaders (to celebrate national dance anywhere week) with my lover. they're making a youtube vid!!! hahahaha! we were so bad. my lover and i - i mean. the cheerleaders were great! what a great idea! cheer for progressive causes, not for sports teams, and incorporate yoga poses and shit into it! it was so funny and so much fun! saturday, i was interviewed on pirate cat radio about the bay area bisexual network and kweer kuddles! that was sooooooooooooo much fun! got to meet the uberhot redhead from london who's producing the bilicious show at the lgbt center on june 7. (i'd gotten her on there to interview too. that all came about through my meeting scott moresi, a bi artist, at my kweer kuddle. i'm a good networker and i love to share collaborative ventures!) her way of speaking is quite delicious. i really couldn't focus on a thing she said cuz she was just so damn hot and the accent - well don't we all just feel that people with british accents are just a teensy bit better than americans????? really, no matter what you say in a british accent, it sounds stunningly brilliant! i adore the deejay - lilycat. i had a long chat with chester, their coffeemeister, at pirate cat cafe - it's in the mission at florida and 21rst. what a fabulous location!!! then i walked the beach and just drifted with my thoughts. chasing amy hosted an amazing fundraiser that night with strippers. ohmygawd. strippers up close and personal!!!! like one leaned over me and stuck her cooter in my face while she buzzed the girl above me with her boobies - what fabulous tits! it felt a little weird to commodify women like that and at first the feminist in me was shitting a brick! but then, i saw how much fun everyone was having and the strippers said we were the best audience ever - it was all female - so i think they enjoyed us too! still, i can't decide what i think about it. i'm torn. i wanna be sex positive but i also want women to always have choices about their work and for sex work to be an option for women among many other options, not one of the ONLY options for low income women. i noted with some concern that the only person at the party who was dark skinned was a stripper. there was diversity of color, ethnicity and age at the party though, much more than often seen at sex parties in the bay area. damn, that amy throws a kick ass party! chocolate fountains, raffle prizes, hot girlongirl erotica on the flat screen. fun! today i met with the owner/founder of the dance/improv troupe i've been hanging out with lately. i'm working on bartering for dance lessons. i have 3 left feet and she is really gifted! it's more than just dance/improv really - it's like a support group - we dance out our lives in front of each other. it's really cool! and it's way more healing than just meditation or drugs or just hikijng or talking or therapy. all of which i've used to self-actualize and to heal my pain. i hope she takes me up on it. she wants to set up another meeting with her cofounder and me. i think that's a good sign. i like her - she's very genuine. and she's very loving. and she's beautiful. oh and get this!!! i had a bi-licious postcard on my coffee table - she picked it up and told me she was bi! and she's monogamous and married to a straight man! wow! go figure! i'm so glad i got to meet her! i made her my fave southern tea recipe i got from my sister - fresh lemon, lots of sugar, sun tea and orange juice. mmmmmmmmmmm! (it's better if you also have a little pineapple juice but i was out.) it's been another whirlwind of a week! glad to get this all down. i've been avoiding blogging since i've been so busy i've hardly posted anywhere on tribe except for the freebooters tribe. so i miss a lot of my old connections. i just don't have time or inclination to keep it all up anymore. but it was a great first safe place for me to come out online and for that - i'll always be grateful!!! speaking of coming out online, i started a facebook group for the bay area bisexual network. yay!!! i hate facebook compared to tribe. tribe is so much more visually appealing. but every nonprofit should have a presence there so i wanted to start up one and see who we'd get - and we got people joining right away who aren't even on our regular membership so that's great! there are some old codgers on the babn chat list who shoot down any new ideas which people have - one of the founding members warned me about this. but dammit, i think using social media to reach out to young audiences for queer issues is important! so i'm gonna do it! naysayers be damned. i already met some really cool queer people on facebook which i would not have met any other way. so i'm glad i went where the people are! speaking of which, i attended the web guild's social media strategy panel tonight. it was advertised on squid list - an awesome calendar and community of artists/techies/activists. that was reallly cool! i met tons of folks who are interested in my work getting nonprofits to use social media to accomplish their missions! yayayayayayay! and finally, i got almost all the stuff to my lover for my websites: i'm doing one for g rated projects and one for my x rated projects. my biggest interests are: greening of the world - offering environmental expertise to businesses and nonprofits who want to turn the tide on global warming! social media's uses for social justice - endless opportunities abound!!!!! sex and queer cultural events - creating them and sustaining them so we have vibrant queer community! yay! hahaha! well i guess that wasn't short and sweet after all - more like long and laundry listy! oh and my son used an apple program to make me a book for mother's day! a homemade book he created by uploading all these images of our family and writing his thoughts about it. BEST MOTHER'S DAY GIFT EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! plus he told me i was caring and thoughtful and the best mom in the world. you really can't ask for more!!!!! ahm blessed!

Have a Happy Weekend (brought to you by the Union)

newbie — Sat, 03 May 2008 16:50:08 GMT

"When we remember that people were shot so we could have the 8-hour day; if we acknowledge that homes with families in them were burned to the ground so we could have Saturday as part of the weekend; when we recall 8-year old victims of industrial accidents who marched in the streets protesting working conditions and child labor only to be beat down by the police and company thugs, we understand that our current condition cannot be taken for granted - people fought for the rights and dignities we enjoy today, and there is still a lot more to fight for. The sacrifices of so many people can not be forgotten or we'll end up fighting for those same gains all over again. This is why we celebrate May Day." lest we forget! http://www.iww.org/projects/mayday/origins.shtml oh and here's a great way to shop FAIR TRADE for Mother's Day (which was not brought to you by Hallmark as some would have us believe - but was started as the most important peace movement* in the United States!!!!) i just bought my mom a glass necklace from this place and it's really effing gorgeous! http://www.originalgood.com/ mother's day origins http://www.accuracy.org/newsrelease.php?articleId=304

Healing

newbie — Fri, 02 May 2008 22:10:24 GMT

Emails between me and my sister: from me responding to my sis: Thanks! I have just had the most awesome month! Started my own consulting biz up again and had a big event here last wknd and am on radio show tomorrow and working on upcoming tv show appearance. Had a great turnout at my event. It was great fun too! I've got several folks who I'm working with on various projects and am having a blast! Went to an improv/dance class this am since it's nat'l dance week and all the studios are free. Several of my friends from Nashville and the Bay area take classes using this playful method: http://www.interplay.org/index.asp Then I bought lots of fresh organic fruit, Indian food and fresh flowers at the Farmer's Market just outside my gate (happens each Friday - I love it - feels like Europe). http://www.urbanvillageonline.com/ Dad would have loved the Kettle Corn purveyor - he really puts on a show! Tonight going to see the "shamanic cheerleaders" in SF. Kind of Burning Man art/cheering! ha! http://www.shamaniccheerleaders.com/ Then I'm working the Maker's Faire on Sunday. (B might really enjoy seeing the link - it's all about the merging of green technology and craftiness and pure fun! Lots of science geeks go since it was dreamed up in Silicon Valley!) http://makerfaire.com/ I was just remembering your kindness to me after I was mugged. Thanks for loving up on me and my kids so much. Did you get the scarf I got you (left it at Mom's)? Happy Bday early! Finally be on time this year! Talked to mom last week and she said she'd pulled a muscle and was in pain. Sorry to hear that. Yes, I'm thrilled to have my youngest in CA too!!!! Was laying out on Baker beach (near where I took you and you climbed a tree) beside GG bridge when she called to tell me the news and I did a little dance in the sand and sun and waves!! Talked to [my son] this week - he writes a 20 page philosophy paper every other week and he's down to the wire on a deadline for today. I told him I'm reading a fun philosophy/mystery by Alexander McCall Smith - you might enjoy it: The Sunday Philosophy Club - set in Scotland! http://www.mccallsmith.com/sunday1.htm So glad to hear KJ and B's news! So proud of KJ's work! My it's amazing to think she's all grown up! And good for B for having fun in the mountains! Life is so short! Congrats on speaking! Those Mennonites do awesome work on Fair Trade issues and run the 10,000 Villages shop in Nash where I got your Xmas presents a couple of years ago. http://www.tenthousandvillages.com/home.php Hugs and love to all, K from my sis: Dear K: I'm smiling as I think of the great joy of visiting you and your wonderful San Francisco last yr at this time. Uni Lectures were just finishing and I was hunting for a ride to San Fran. You were so graciuos to let me sleep in your bed. Michael thinks you must be a saint to be able to sleep with me; it's taken him a long time to get used ot my contortions and noises and wrestling around. Hope your spring is far more kind to yoru body than the previous one was. And hope you've met only non-aggressive fellow-travellers at your busstops in Oakland. Do you take the bus into teh City? I know you've gotta be thrilled that both your girls will be in your homestate. Man, oh, man, that's something few of us siblings has experienced w/ our college-aged children (only you and N?) May you enjoy spring. I am. I get to speak at a Mother/ Daughter Banquet this Tues pm at a Brethren Church, then chapel at a private Mennonite high school the next day. Am getting the house ready for market; we're considering movign into a smaller home (?) in Vburg closer to the U. KJ's birhtday's tomorrow and she called me w/ the great news that she's up to 7 clients this wk (new position in private practice MFTherapy) and is thrilled to be back into treating whole families. B is loving his summer weather, has booked several LONG mtbiking trips w/ girl and guy-buddies, and is starting to talk to old profs re: his grad school plans for fall 2009. Wants to teach on college level in the sciences. Hope your children are thriving. And you. LOVE YOU, J

wasted

newbie — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 08:55:50 GMT

i'm an unashamed fan of pop culture. ok i guess i'm somewhat ashamed. i have "the economist" and "the advocate" in my guest bathroom reading rack. but i'd much rather read people. i've toured some of the world's greatest art museums and they've changed my life. and i love them. they rock my lil world. but i also get my world rocked by pop culture. i adore george strait's song "how bout them cowgirls?" and i don't really give a fuck if someone doesn't. i hadn't really given that song much thought until i heard it for about the 15th time on my daughter's answering machine. she loves the houston rodeo where george is a regular. and he's the real deal. he's not a drugstore cowboy, all hat and no cattle. he really grew up working on a ranch and now he and his son hold roping competitions. and win. god, i love me some cowboy. (and cowgirl! i looooooooooooove the rodeo when the women do the barrel racing!!!!!) and i love carrie underwood's song "wasted" even though i despise manufactured pop music and the nashville corporate country crap machine. i loathe american idol. but darn if that song wasted doesn't touch my lil ole southern heart. http://youtube.com/watch?v=LeavmGw2GUQ and i'm loving my kids' rap music. they think i'm a hoot. i surprise myself sometimes! i have no idea who's singing but i like listening to 94.9 - the raunchy lyrics just don't even bother me anymore. now that i'm bi, all the objectification of women which i used to find so disgusting sort of appeals to me. (i'm a bad feminist sometimes.) welp, i stripped my lil ole heart out on friday night at bang for the buck. and i got to ride home with a hottie. one of the women who won the stripping contest. i loved the stripping class! i did not get any play during the party which bummed me out. i usually get plenty of action and fuck my lil brains out. but this time i had to work a long shift and working food made me feel unsexy. plus i ran out of time to play. i did however get to do some fabulous people watching. i'd much rather fuck than watch. but i did so love the watching! there was a very hot almost rape scene. why i found this hot i'm not sure. i think cuz it was women acting it all out. even though one of them was a trans woman, it still felt empowering like they were taking trad male dominance and spinning it on its head. it was a threesome where one ftm held the woman down and the other ftm fucked her. she was sooooooooo fucking hot. why some women find rape hot is a long and complex subject explored thoroughly by sexual and gender theorists. one reason given in shere hite's and nancy friday's work is that women of my gen were told they shouldn't give in, shouldn't show desire or they'd be labeled whores. so if a man "takes" your virginity, then somehow you are still virginal and not impure. you didn't want it so it can't be held against you. what a load of bullshit. but still, it appeals to me on some level. only in fantasy of course! as a rape survivor, i never want to be in a position of powerlessness in sex again. but in fantasy, sometimes being a sub and having things happen to you that you have little control over feels sexy. especially for someone like me who in real life is very much always in control. i never let people boss me around. speaking of which, my very famous in sex circles neighbor, the feminist sex industry publisher, has been a major pain in the ass for some time now. she is extremely bossy, very east coast jewish older mom kinda thing. i've blogged about it before but then deleted it since i didn't want to diss her online but frankly by now i've had it. she left a note on my door yesterday for me to care for her dog all day. wtf? who the fuck do you think i am - your slave labor dog sitter with nothing better to do on a weekend than to babysit for your ass? oh i don't think so! this isn't the first time. i've found out since living here that pretty much all the neighbors despise her but put up with her out of fear, (she's very pushy) or just exhaustion (she can really wear you down with her nonstop barrage of verbiage.) but i lived with the male versioin of her for years and i aint' going back to that shit so i just let her have it a couple of times a month. there are some people you can be polite to, and there are some people who are so out of bounds, so beyond the pale of inappropriateness, that you just have to basically tell them to fuck off. she's one of the latter. so i'm pretty proud of myself for standing up to her. noone else does. and so she gets away with murder. now she tiptoes around me and won't critique me to my face. (unlike what she did for the first few months here and what she does to EVERYONE else.) it's really a shame. cuz i deeply admire her. she's done a shitload of work for the feminist and sex positive community and it's a real shame she's a bitch. i'd really like to like her. i'd really love to have her as a friend. but the only way to earn her respect is to tell her off and not take her shit. she noticed i didn't invite her to my party last night and i usually do. but after months of her critiques about every damn thing i do, i just blew her off. oooooh that feels good. again, i'm dealing with fear and the scarcity model when coping with women like her. she's so well connected. she does the kind of projects i want to do in sex positive national circles and in cohousing. but fuck her if she's nasty! the scarcity model would have me believe that if i don't put up with her bullshit and bow down to her and kiss her ass, i won't get the "goodies" of national connections in the very 2 fields which are so important to me. but i don't believe that anymore. i believe that there's nothing in the world worth putting up with bullshit for. i can get those "goodies" some other way. without her! and i am. i'm pretty creative about getting around roadblocks and getting what i want out of life. i hosted my queer cuddle last night. it was a very mixed experience for me. first time i've ever tried making $$ at my gigs. i am an awesome party giver. and i usually just give parties and people have a great time. i suck at math and science unfortch. but damn i can give a great party. i genuinely like to get to know new people and i genuinely feel that each person has some gift to give back to the world and i can usually find something of interest in even the dullest person, i have an ability to draw out even the shyest person and find something that makes them shine. i always have shown kindness to those labeled "losers" in any crowd since i think that's really important. i find that makes me feel that i'm living up to the values of my highest spiritual goals and the values of mlk, ghandi, mother teresa, gloria steinem, and batman. (my s/heroes) plus, you never know when those labeled "losers" will turn around and kick your ass. the rise of geek culture is a perfect example. dontcha know there are dozens of popular girls who wish they'd been nice to larry ellison and bill gates when they were young. and i'm fascinated by outsider culture. though i've mostly been an insider, i love to find out about the coping skills and the wild fantasy lives and the odd expertise of the outsiders. one kid, my own teens' age, who was totally unpopular at my uni church in nash, was quite a fascinating study. she had no discernable social skills whatsoever. she was exceedingly ill groomed and had no clue as to how to accentuate her natural features. she couldn't hold a convo to save her life. but damn she was great at drawing manga. and my crazy roommate trouble. all his life he's been beaten up and picked on by people. his body is differently shaped and he's a certified geek. and he's rather small for a male. he's one of the coolest funniest people i know! and he's utterly charming in a steampunk kinda way! i adore him. he teaches me about all sorts of things i know nothing of. today we walked jack london square together. he'd gone shopping in the haight with some woman he met on the internet who flew all the way from seattle to fuck him. he bought pink/black and red/black mix&match tights with stripes to wear. so there we were, me in my hippie/soccermom-who's-let-herself-go housedress and him with a red beret, grabbed from our coho freebie table, and horizontal and vertical (diff one for each leg) striped hose on. god, i just love him! well, back to the notsexjustcuddling party. i found my kindness to weirdos didn't extend to skeavy old dudes. there were several of them. there is a certain kind of man, generally born in the 40's or 50's and occasionally the 60's who just really don't have a fucking clue as to appropriate behavior at cuddle or sex parties. they are just so fucking hopeless. they are uneducable. i cannot tolerate them. i won't invite them back, that's for damn sure! one guy was less skeavy than simply boring. and enormously unappealing. now i have mercy on the unappealing for the most part. i know it's damn hard in life and some people have been dealt a raw deal. but fuck it, if you haven't figured out some way to make yourself interesting by the time you hit 50 why should i waste my precious time dealing with you? this is an altogether new strategy for me. all my life, i've been a misfit magnet. i've always had a kind heart and tender words for those who were despised or just ignored by the in crowd. my heart has just always gone out to them and by gum, i always look people in the eye and try to make them comfortable and help them feel interesting if they're around me. much like my father before me. so naturally, the misfits would glom onto me. and i'd just deal with it as kindly as i could and never hurt anyone's feelings. but now, i realize i have been wasting my precious energy on some folks who just don't make any effort to get some social skiills. and i'm tired. and i don't have to do this anymore. so last night, i realized that for a while i was trying valiantly to make some of the skeeves/boors fit in and i realized i didn't have to! i didn't have to play footsies with the old guy who had not bothered to crop his toe nails! i didn't have to humor the creepy nudist. and happily, they left the party early and only the more interesting people stayed. (i feel really proud of my event. twice as many people came as i'd expected.) so yay, i'm finally learning that i don't have limitless energy to be drained by others. yay! yay for me! and i felt like ultimately my party was a success. i feel that if i'm having fun at my own party, that's a good sign. several folks stayed long after midnight, when i had planned to end it. and there was some serious cuddling which happened so i feel grateful. today i got contacted by some pride organizers asking if i'd host my event again during pride week since they thought it was cool and wanted to list it in their calendar! hell yeah! i made hardly any money so that wasn't a success from that viewpoint. but i'd wanted to make it very affordable and i comped half the folks at the party who'd done me favors or who looked like they couldn't afford it. now i know why people charge so much for those parties. that part felt weird, charging for something i've done all my life for free. i've always done event production including my own parties for free (or as part of my job for a nonprofit in which case we charged the community nada!) i've done a thousand events and NEVER charged. but now i really want to try to make $$$ doing what i'm good at. and i really want to believe in myself - that what i have is of value in this world. it's hard to value my work as a woman who was raised without feminist economists. but my momma made damn sure we all knew she valued women's unpaid labor just as much as anything men did. so i do have a deep sense of pride from her. i grew up with generations of strong women as very present ancestors, whether dead or living, in the stories and examples of my momma and grandmother. so it's time for me to earn my way doing what i love. i really hope i can make a go of it. i really think i can. and i'm excited about it. i really enjoyed meeting these tow aussies last night. they were just so kick ass, so fucking take no prisoners comfortable with themselves and their bisexuality. they were great storytellers too and i'm a sucker for a good story being southern and appreciating that grand tradition and all. and there were two hotties from some bi network they've created: bilicious who brought a third hottie. i wanted to fuck all of them. preferably simultaneously. ah, i really hate when people judge exterior appearances but my estrogen does the same thing. my pussy has a mind of her own and she thinks certain people are hot and certain people are not. so i just honor her desires. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm i'm fantasizing about the long haired bi dude now who camewith his partner, another hot dude. mmmmmmmmmmmmm well, i'm off to wank myself to sleep. nighty night. oh i forgot to say one thing: i spent the afternoon sunning myself on a yacht. the boat show was on at jack london and i went at the very end and lost my roomie (he went to help out a homeless dude) and wandered around the yachts. i found one which was deserted and so i roamed around on it pretending i owned it and hosted parties there. (i have a rich walter mitty style imagination.) i started missing my dad who used to take me sailing each sunday afternoon. i love the feel of the pier on a hot lazy afternoon. i love the smell of fresh air and water, mixed in with a little boat fuel. i love the whip of the sail in the breeze and the feel of sun on my face. so i lay down on an expanse of beach loungers on the tip top of one of the yachts and just thoroughly enjoyed all the sensations on my body of breeze and sun. when i had had enough and worked my way back through the floating docks, i found that i was cut off. they'd locked the gate on me. and i couldn't get out. and of course, i had to pee. so i frantically looked all over and began to beg some dock workers and a yacht salesman to find me an exit. they moved very slowly. so i told them in loud tones that i was pregnant and i HAD TO PEE NOW! if you don't find me an exit immediately i'm peeing on your new yacht. this made them hurry much faster. i'm not pregnant at all but my various disABILITIES make my stomach swell on occasion and today i happened to have a ninemonther going so i worked it. hahaha! nothing like bullying old white men to do my bidding. gotta love it!

Moms earn 73 cents on the dollar - welcome to 1950

newbie — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 05:50:21 GMT

Dear MomsRising.org Member, We woke up this morning to an article which made us think the calendar had been switched back 50 years while we were sleeping. Yesterday, the Senate failed to pass the Fair Pay Act. What was almost worse than that defeat were the out-of-touch, misinformed -- and downright insulting -- statements about women. Senator John McCain (R-AZ), who didn't even come to vote, said that instead of legislation allowing them to demand equal pay, women simply need "education and training."1 Not only is his information wrong -- women are currently paid less for the same work, even though they have the same education and training -- he's also sending a message to our nation, to our sons and daughters, that this pay gap is okay, and it's women's fault for being paid less. Not so! We have the perfect way to show Senator McCain just how qualified we really are. *Sign the Petition for Fair Pay & Send Senator McCain Your Resume (or thoughts on the matter) while you're at it: http://www.momsrising.org/fairpaymccain When you sign the petition, you'll join us in telling Congress: "We Need Equal Pay for Equal Work -- it is good law, make it enforceable again." (Don't have your resume perfected? At the link above, you can also write a quick note. And, you can describe your training and qualifications to bring the Senator up-to-date. Got friends and colleagues who are more than well-enough educated and trained to deserve equal pay? Tell them to send their resumes in, too!) Women now make up 58% of college graduates and nearly half of the labor force, but still earn less pay for the same work as men. Worse yet, mothers only make 73 cents to a man's dollar, for the exact same job. College graduate, high school graduate, law school diploma, nursing degree, whatever your training; women should make equal pay for equal work. Senator McCain's statement is a sad testament to the fact that many leaders are out of touch with the realities of working women today. Maybe as a Senator with only 16 women colleagues, he's simply out of touch with the reality that America has a broad and deep pool of highly qualified, trained, and utterly capable women. Let's remind him of that fact. Sign the petition for Fair Pay, add your resume and/or comments, forward this email around to friends, and help us change this country, one leader at a time: http://www.momsrising.org/fairpaymccain -- Kristin, Katie, Roz, Anita, Amy, Joan, Donna, Nanette, and the whole MomsRising.org Team [1] http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/04/23/mccain-opposes-senate-bill-that-sought-equal-pay-for-women/ THE LILLY LEDBETTER FAIR PAY ACT LOWDOWN: Yesterday the Senate voted 56 Yea to 42 Nea (with 60 votes needed to pass) on the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has promised to bring this Act up for a vote again within the next year. All our voices, coming together, can help get those extra 3 votes needed to turn the tide. The Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act (H.R. 2831) is an important legislative "fix" to a May 2007 U.S. Supreme Court decision (Ledbetter v. Goodyear Tire & Rubber Co.), which severely limited the ability of victims of pay discrimination to sue and recover damages under Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964. Without this "fix," the impact of the Court's decision will likely be widespread, affecting pay discrimination cases under Title VII involving women and racial and ethnic minorities, as well as cases under the Age Discrimination in Employment Act and under the Americans with Disabilities Act. Basically, the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act is a narrow "fix" to reestablish law that was in place until the U.S. Supreme Court Ledbetter v. Goodyear Tire & Rubber Co. decision of last year. This Act stops us from losing ground on civil rights and fixes a fundamental unfairness in the workplace which many women face. SOME PRESS LINKS ABOUT THE LEDBETTER DECISION: New York Times Ledbetter Article: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/05/30/us/30pay.html?_r=1&oref=slogin Washington Post Ledbetter Article: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/05/29/AR2007052900740.html New York Times Ledbetter Editorial: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/05/31/opinion/31thu1.html LA Times Ledbetter Editorial: http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/la-ed-court31may31,0,6046584.story?coll=la-opinion-leftrail WHAT OUR ALIGNED ORGANIZATIONS HAVE TO SAY: Alliance for Justice, http://www.afj.org/assets/resources/take-action/ledbetter-background-final.pdf Alliance for Justice's 5 minute documentary short on Lilly: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5w1eSymFBOg National Women's Law Center, http://www.nwlc.org/display.cfm?section=employment National Organization for Women, http://www.now.org/issues/economic/070530equalpay.html

you do not have to be good

newbie — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 06:03:49 GMT

You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-- over and over announcing your place in the family of things. from "Wild Geese" by Mary Oliver i really thought i hated poetry after hours of sitting in high school classes memorizing boring dwms. http://books.google.com/books?id=zBijANICUDQC&pg=PA54&lpg=PA54&dq=dwm+dead+white+males&source=web&ots=hMTWyNhL68&sig=SNqmZD7CIQxpgqCfyxWbbrRRSug&hl=en but i've been diggin on mary oliver and audre lord again lately. www.alp.org/ those damn unitarians, they shake me out of my atheistic cynicism (with their sweet honey in the rock* music, and their subversive poetry and their african american preachers who combine a healthy chicago southside street wisdom with ancient indigenous philosophy.) how dare they! haha! i sang my little pagan heart out at church again this morning and had the best time. it's like a long burning man ritual - where everyone is welcome to the temple of forgiveness and no faith or lack of it has authority over another. i love putting sweet honey on pandora - it leads me to all kinds of other great vocalists! http://www.english.uiuc.edu/maps/poets/m_r/oliver/online_poems.htm http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5007357 http://www.english.uiuc.edu/maps/poets/g_l/lorde/erotic.htm http://www.interactivetheatre.org/resc/litany.html http://faculty.pittstate.edu/~knichols/wpoets.html#lorde http://www.abc.net.au/rn/talks/lm/stories/s644177.htm Come and find the quiet centre in the crowded life we lead, find the room for hope to enter, find the frame where we are freed: clear the chaos and the clutter, clear our eyes, that we can see all the things that really matter, be at peace, and simply be. Silence is a friend who claims us, cools the heat and slows the pace, goddess is who speaks and names us, knows our being, touches base, making space within our thinking, lifting shades to show the sun, raising courage when we're shrinking, finding scope for faith begun. In the spirit let us travel, open to each other's pain, let our lives and fears unravel, celebrate the space we gain: there's a place for deepest dreaming, there's a time for heart to care, in the spirit's lively scheming there is always room to spare! Shirley Murray When our heart is in a holy place, We are blessed with love And amazing grace, When our heart is in a holy place. When we trust the wisdom in each of us, Ev’ry colour every creed and kind, And we see our faces in each other’s eyes, Then our heart is in a holy place. When we tell our story from deep inside, And we listen with a loving mind, And we hear our voices in each other’s words, Then our heart is in a holy place. When we share the silence of sacred space, And the goddess stirs within, And we feel the power of each other’s faith, Then our heart is in a holy place. Joyce Poley

wild sex, community organizing, playing for pay, and cherry blossoms in bloom

newbie — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 07:58:17 GMT

he pulled my legs to the end of the bed, opened them, and began kneading my outer lips, gently massaging me until all my muscles in my entire body relaxed. i didn't think i could possibly come any more since he'd already brought forth every orgasm my body had had stored up inside me for days just 2 hours earlier. i tried to just lay there and not feel anything manufactured. i've committed to myself to stop faking it with men, to really be in my body and really do whatever my body wants in the moment, male dominance in bed be damned! and i tried to just feel nothing to see if whatever he wanted to do would do anything for me if i did absolutely nothing. but i coudn't stop the pleasure! he immediately brought wave upon wave of spasms by sucking and licking my clit with long strokes and widening his tongue so i got the full impact of his "ministrations." he really is a minister - he says he provides me the "dick on rails (like meals on wheels but better and it arrives on BART) service from the church of punani!" he cracks me up. one of the many things i love about him is his silliness! he is always playful. we are so silly and laugh so hard in bed together. i love fucking his ass with my middle finger. after he gives me multiple orgasms (which i thought were a lovely myth like unicorns!) i love to make him come. he's the only lover in my whole life with whom i spend hours and hours in bed fucking. we fuck every which way but loose! and then some! we are both endlessly creative in bed. and we now have a repertoire of regular moves which we know will give the other one either an orgasm or some seriously intense pleasure!! so we sprinkle new stuff in with the old and we get on fabulously in bed. we usually start off with a first course of cowgirl style (me on top) fucking. and he comes deep in my cunt. i love when he fucks me really hard that way! i love how deep he can come inside me and make me feel such intense shivers of pleasure all through my body emanating from my g-spots. (seriously, i think every woman has hijklmnop and q r s t spots - they just haven't been named yet. but he hits them all!) this has been such a whirlwind of a week. i wish i had had time to blog each night cuz now it's late and i must sleep. but tomorrow i'm going to detail all i've done. i seemed to have lost all my readers - i know not why. it feels a little lonely to write just for me again after a year of feedback, but i've been keeping a journal for 15 years now and it's the best therapy i know of. plus i have loved keeping a diary of my adventures during my first big year here. so i want to keep doing it in my second year, since i'm still in metamorphosis and want to savor all the memories. monday: goldman awards!!!! tuesday: slept late, my goddess friend (seriously - she's lit from within and really follows her muse!) from nashville who was visiting invited me to lunch with this amazing business/nonprofit consultant who gave me four hours of her time to share our ideas for organizing. we all 3 have a passion for women's issues, especially feminist economics (bartering systems, revaluing what women have always provided to communities for free, and acknowledging the sacrifices of women of color and allying ourselves with them to raise the status of their work and finances so they are no longer taken for granted in the white man's bullshit economic system). we were so excited we just about spontaneously combusted. we were talking so fast and furious about what we've learned across disciplines, d brings her goddess spirituality and her passion for global anti-oppression organizing and i bring the same gifts but from different experiences (my communal living travels, my development work, my expertise on the environment) and b brought her MBA perspective and her years of working with women of all colors who are establishing their own businesses. wow! what a load of talent in one room! tuesday night: d joined me at the coho dinner and she utterly charmed everyone with her wonderful stories of dancing for peace around the world. she has long flowing silver hair, very shiny brown eyes, a gorgeous smile, a honeydew dripping southern accent, and a zest for life that matches mine. plus she's a great storyteller! ha! that was fun! wednesday: nude sunbathing on baker beach - the first time my titties have ever seen sunlight. well, there was that time at burning man when i wrapped myself in orange gauze for the human carcass wash. oh and my sister and i used to occasionlly lie out au naturelle on our back patio. and come to think of it, my hunky college boyfriend and i skinny dipped in a lazy river in virginia....... so i guess the girls (venus and serena) have seen the sunlight before. huh. go figure! my new dear friend suraja is here in oakland for a training program and it was her inspired idea to go. we took a picnic to crissy field, d (the nashville goddess) came along and brought her collaborator: Masankho Banda, a dancer from malawi who is world famous in african dance circles having been honored for his work by the Dalai Lama, and is beautiful and humble. he's so gorgeous and also, like d, has this light filled spirit that just beams out of his loving eyes. we had the deepest talks about alternative and indigenous spiritualities, our various painful but important relationships with our families, our shared history of searching for some deeper meaning in this world and passion for doing social justice work and peace-building with joy. http://www.ucandanc.org/ then they took off to plan their future collaborations (they're hosting a trip to morocco together for the world music festival) then masankho is off to hawaii to give a writer's workshop, then off to malawi, africa and on to bali next year. whoooo! i get tired just thinking of it all! but very excited since i'm going to start saving my pennies to be part of it. suraja and i drove the incredibly picturesque lincoln blvd just around and under the golden gate bridge to baker beach. it was such fun to be naked! and after a while when i had to pee, i decided to just do it in the ocean. after all i had to take a bath when i got home. and i don't think it's polluting since the whales do it and i'm just one more mammal. i haven't peed in nature in years. not since i was at the hippie commune back in tennessee - the one where i first had sex with a woman when we were camping together and we shared a male lover. it was humbling and very life affirming to just let loose of ones bladder out in public. i was behind a rock so no one could see me. but i felt like i was a kid again, shame free, able to just be in my body and not be worried about what my body does or wants or needs. wow, we are taught such immense body shame! the first time i went to the tn hippie commune, i couldn't believe how comfortable they all were in their own skin. it's an ecovillage so they all have composting toilets. and not much privacy since they are pagan, polyamorous anarchists. so they'd just take a squat when nature called. pretty soon, us visitors dropped our "civilized" ways and began peeing and shitting in the woods like the mammals we are. it was very freeing. i never realized just how much shame we all carry about being human, about having animal needs. i'd confronted my shame about sex but not my shame about peeing and pooping. reminds me of those children's books: "everyone poops" and "the gas we pass: the story of farts." i love those! they help relieve a child's shame around potty training and make it a very funny subject and very natural. what a relief! http://www.kanemiller.com/book.asp?sku=25 http://www.amazon.com/Gas-We-Pass-Story-Farts/dp/0916291529 so as i stood there and peed just like a boy, i felt i was really doing something political and subversive. i was no longer letting this capitalistic world tell me where and when i could feel my body's needs and satisfy them. i guess that's the plot of "urinetown." i guess i'll stop bitching about it winning so many tonys now. i guess it is an important message! that peeing should not be commodified. (pun intended!) after getting thoroughly sunburned all over despite my SPF 45, suraja and i drove over divisidero and castro to the mission and had dinner at my fave mexican restaurant - fresca on 16th and valencia. i love hearing the spanish colonial era place names roll off her mother tongue! it's so funny when i'm driving her around - if someone drives recklessly around us, she shoots off a long string of spanish cusswords while giving the other drivers the evil eye and gesturing wildly! she cracks me up, too! she loved the mexican food - she'd given up hope of finding anything that tasted like her authentic cuisine until i took her to the mission. she drank a cold mexican beer with her hot enchilada and was in heaven! my lover called me that night and had some time to visit and provide his dick on rails service. i accepted the offer! and came and came and came! man, he can really make me come! good god!!!! it took my husband years to figure out the winning combo: vigorous finger fucking combined with passionate swirling clit lapping. i love my boyfriend but he can't make me come worth shit. i adore the man and would step in front of a moving car to save his life but lord, he sucks in the boudoir sometimes. god love him, he tries. but he's not very willing to really read any books or take any classes. now my loverman, he reads broadly, and he has taken lots of erotic massage classes and knows reiki and aikido so he really has a sense of what bodies want. plus he's kinky like me, unlike my boyfriend. i am madly in love with my boyfriend and have no desire for anything permanent with my lover or anything impermanent with my boyfriend. it feels really weird and yet somehow natural to get my needs met from two very different men but that's what polyamory is all about. and i've decided it's the shit! no one man can meet all my needs. i have to get many needs met across a spectrum of people! and inside my own self. i love to sit and meditate and really nurture my spirit. why in hell does fundamentalism and myth (witness all the iconic disney movies!) teach women that men are the be all and end all and that women are simply incomplete without them? what a load of hooey! men are like icing and cake. they are wonderful to have and delightful and yummy but they are certainly not necessary! they are entirely optional. but oh i do so looooooooooove my options. it takes a village to raise a kinnari! when i'm deeply lonely for my childhood, i call my old boyfriend (of a few years back) who puts me back together with his wonderful sense of play and his love of recounting our shared history. when i'm soul lonely for something that has no words, i call my current boyfriend who has so much spirit and inner strength. when i'm horny and craving beauty, i call my lover who is so poetic and such an athlete in the sack! he has so much passion for life! and that makes me come! so i'm very happy with my three main men. (and my women friends are priceless! they spur me on to my highest aspirations and pull me back from the ledge when i'm in despair and surround me with such deep nurturing. where would i be without them? and how would i have had such liberating sex without women lovers?) it is so good to live in community. this week i really felt my community expanding. i really felt such love for so many people who are interconnected. even though i've only been here a year and a half, my networks are ever widening and are really sustaining me. i keep running into people i know from different intersecting circles. i see my unitarian church friends when i'm out at the improv troupe. i run into my neighbor's friends when i'm at the harmony center's friday night free-pizza-and-conscious-movie series. my boyfriend calls to tell me his new minister (at his liberal, inclusive church in colorado) used to live here in cohousing. i thought when i left fundamentalism, that my community was gone. that i'd be in no man's land, homeless spiritually. that's what cults teach you - that it's there way or no way. that you'll be ALL ALONE if you dare to think for yourself. how refreshing to find that my circle of spirit only gets larger and larger the farther i walk away from rigid ideologies! thursday i woke up early to attend d's and masankho's "dance, play, eat, pray, love" workshop. it was so much fun! we all did a lot of improv dancing and singing. i love to sing and masankho has a deep, fine melodious voice. i was classically trained for years and sang in choirs and bands for eons so i feel deep joy and pride when i sing. he and i sang a completely improvised duet, a malawian folk song. and acted it out with movement. it was such fun! then the founder of the improv troupe took us all out to lunch at a thai place. she "interviewed" me for my consulting work and she wrote me yesterday and offered me to take classes for free if i'll help them grow their nonprofit! yay!!!! she's really cool! masankho and d came back to my place; she's trying to convince him to stay with me during the 20 days he's in the states while doing his world tour. i'd love to have him as a roommate. he could stay in our guest room for just $10 a night and he's already danced here in our community because - guess what - he's a friend of my boyfriends' minister who used to live here! (i was giving him a tour of cohousing tyring to sell him on the idea and he said he'd already been here several times and danced at one of the founders' birthday parties! hahahah!) what a small world when one does international organizing for justice!!!!!! i love the life i lead now. i love the path i'm on now. while i was lying on the sand, buck naked, my youngest daughter called to tell me: she was very sick and had a 102 degree fever (i could have just cried for her when she said she was picking up chicken soup from chick fillet - a fast food place near her dad's - she's always been raised by the nannies since my ex is a workaholic and his wife is the other half of their power couple, a socialite forever eager to climb in the texassss social stratosphere!) i wanted to just hold her and comfort my little baby girl - she was only 6 years old when he took her. i wanted so much to be there for her, doing all those things my mommy did for me when i was sick. she'd make my favorite homemade coca-cola icee - she'd take a big hammer, and pound the ice cubes into little tiny pieces, then pour coke over it till it was good and fizzy; then make me homemade potato soup. she'd give me a little bell to ring for her to come running if i needed anything. she'd spray lysol like crazy all over the bathroom. she'd read me funny books when i was young or historical fiction when i grew older. and she'd kneel by my bedside and tell me how much she loved me and pray over me with such tender words while she'd rub my back. and she'd hold my head when i threw up all over the toilet. and there was me, naked on a beach, 2000 miles away from my daughter. 2000 miles and a lifetime away from making her homemade chicken soup. oh it never goes away. the heartache of losing my kids just slams me in so many unexpected moments. i called her tonight to see how she was again. she was at her prom. another missed moment in my baby girl's life. and now she's all grown up. she told me she'd post her pix on facebook so i could see her pretty dress. all the kids gather at my ex's mansion as they've been doing for years now and get their pictures taken on his grand staircase, around his pool, by his waterfall, near his lake. there are hundreds of pictues taken over the years - but they don't have me in any of them. oh, how i wish i could have raised her myself. my baby girl. oh how i long to hold her. she told me she had decided to GO TO COLLEGE IN CALIFORNIA!!!!!!!!! i'm so happy! she'll be joining her sister in malibu. so i'll get to visit them both near gorgeous beaches and drive back by the big sur with the breathtaking views. my boyfriend and my lover both comforted me this week. my sweetie told me it's because i had the courage to leave texasss, the courage to leave all that money behind and the fancy cars and private jet and the horses and the stables and the mansions.......ad nauseum (even when my ex begged me to stay married so he could rape the shit out of me and continue using me as his verbal punching bag) and be punished with poverty - it was my courage to leave all that which is giving my daughters the example to live life on their own terms. now my daughters are almost free of him. they'll never be truly free of him while he's footing the bills. cuz he uses his money to control everyone and everything around him. but at least they are free of texas. free of his constant monitoring and fundamentalist bullying. free of the narrow mindset of their church of christ teachers. free of redneck pride in ignorance of world culture and history! yay! i called my oldest daughter to celebrate my youngest's college choice, and she described her upcoming trip to argentina for the fall. she'll be helping my youngest get moved into her same college and into an inclusive sorority ("not the snobby one, mama, with only rich white girls" she told me) in august and then head off for a semester "abroad" in buenos aires! whoohooo!!!!!! can't wait to visit! coming here is worth everything! i've saved my own life and my girls may very well follow in my footsteps! how i adore them! this morning i sent my lover a pablo neruda quote: "i want to do with you what spring does to the cherry blossoms." he came right over! ha! and after our marathon lovemaking, we hashed out some boundaries in a long overdue but very healthy dialog, and i walked lake merritt where the fruit trees are absolutely in riotous bloom! so beautiful! so effortless. they just let nature take its course. wow! what a lesson there is in that. then i dashed to the store to buy juice for the kids at our coho community seder. it was a humanist modern hagadah that we read and sang from so it was wonderfully subversive. j brought manishevitz and made homemade matzo ball soup. mmmmmm s and b brought spanikopita made from matzoh! and we little children asked the questions of the meaning of passover and learned the great tradition of civil rights. then i rushed over a few blocks to suraja's graduation ceremony from the improv troupe. it was too funny for words! they had the audience in stitches and they made us participate in a big way - one of the founders gave us green feather confetti to throw over the graduates as they jumped through the wildly decorated hula hoop (their graduation ritual). a korean woman sang a folk song about love and connection living inside all of us. another founder of the troupe gave a mock commencement address using all nonsense words with an italian accent and gesturing broadly. he was absolutely hilarious! (i'd give him the jabberwocky award!!!!!) then they had us hum "pomp and circumstance" as each graduate received their certificate. i had one of the best weeks of my life! my first week out of work for others, and truly working for myself and the issues i deeply care about.

partt 2 of another amazing weekend

newbie — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 08:49:58 GMT

wed - sun i hosted my lover each night. amazing sex ensued. but i still felt like i didn't listen to my body as much as i want. sometimes i just give in to sex with my lover when i'm tired and in pain. and i wish i had the strength to say no, i'm tired. if you wanna spend time with me sometimes it's not going to be hours and hours of amazing sex. sometimes it's just going to be a little amazing sex and then some cuddling. and if you can't handle that - hit the road jack! actually i do have the strength to do that. and i will! it's weird though. sometimes when i don't feel like having sex at the beginning of our play, by the end i'm craving it! and sometimes when i'm in pain, sex is the ONLY thing that gives me relief. it takes me out of the painful part of my body and back into the pleasurable part! i mean he really turns me on! just thinking about him turns me on! good gawd! we have endless sessions of 69, fabu anal play (he likes me to finger fuck him! whoooohoooot - my first experience pegging a boy!), and the most amazing intercourse all the damn time. he fucks me in ways and makes me come in ways i've never come before over and over and over! so it's pretty hard to beat! last night he made me laugh so hard with his farsi jokes. he loves to tell jokes and make me laugh. he will tell me a joke in persian which gets completely lost in translation (comedy is the hardest thing to translate since it's so culturally based). and even though it's really not funny in english, i end up laughing so hard at the part i begin to get about persian humor. plus i love the sound of his voice speaking farsi! it's just the most beautiful language! friday i took myselfie to the farmer's market again. and i just sat by myself in the sunshine just happy as a clam, eating kettle corn, moong beans, and people watching. i bought organic strawberries and oranges and caught the closing hour special at the taco stand: 3 tamales for just $5. people stand in long lines for these tamales. they are just make-you-cry delicious!!!!! mmmmmmm the corn and the roasted chicken and the mole pork and the spicy beef. ohmyfuckingawd they are so good! i walked lake merritt a bunch last week. it was so warm and so beautiful outside! it made me so happy just to walk and walk. i took my chanting tantra monks with me. they are painful to hear at first to western ears. but after a while the groans of old men in unison begin to give you a little peace in your heart. and you begin to focus your every breath on the NOW. on what is and not on what is not. then i hosted my movie night. my neighbors, the ivy league anthropologists came. i really love them. so bottom line, the ivy leaguers learned if they want to complain about my plants, they can fix it themselves! ha! master erik at the citadel gave an amazing workshop on how to make sex toys. it was a blast. but i was pretty tired. i'm starting to realize that no matter how amazing the event or person i'm around is, if i feel a certain way about it - like tired or jealous or anxious, or depressed, my feeling reality is what's the biggest mind drain for me. i wish i was the kind of person who just went through life all peaceful. but usually i'm struggling with some kind of emotional pain and it takes up enormous space in my life. i think i wanna heal from all these strong dysfunctional overwhelmingly huge emotions and just live my life realizing the beauty of each moment. that's my next goal for myself. i still can't believe little ole me, revolutionized southern belle, was actually the cashier for the kinky crafts event! who knew so many people will pay $45 to learn how to make sex toys!!!!!!? and it was a gorgeous sunny spring day yet we had over a dozen people there!!!! master erik taught all about how to pick out the leather or rubber for your floggers or your single tail whips or your cat o nine tails. that was kick ass! plus he's just hot as all get out. he's african-british. and he's built like a brick house! and he's so creative. he paints bodies! and he makes all his own toys! he's fucking amazing! damn, he's hot! (he's also the founder of kinkyzine!) after the workshop, i walked the beach at crissy field again. there were more people there than i've ever seen!!!! the kids and dogs were soooo cute! and the view of the gg bridge is of course always so breathtaking! the sun was shining down on all the white sails as the boats floated slowly by in the regatta! a huge cargo ship would occasionally motor by on its way to some other continent. the golden roof of the palace of fine arts glowed in the sunshine! and the financial center skyline with its dramatic pyramid - wow, what a view!!!!! i stuck my feet in the waves. i just let the water drift over me and i kept taking one more step, one more step, for peace of mind. i walk for my spirit and body. i love to walk there more than any place i've ever been in my whole life!!!!! i walked for 2 hours. that's actually not unusual for me! then i hurried over through the bumper to bumper traffic to the crucible for their fire ballet! it was amazing! it really was just amazing! the herioine's tutu had fire shooting out! how on earth the prince (hero figure) lifter her up without burning himself i'll never know! that was one of the best shows i've ever seen in my life! the set had these beautiful wrought iron trees which flamed up. the floor had shooting flames around the edge of the stage and they could shoot in rotation, so if the heroine walked from one end to the other of the stage, the flames would follow her!!!!!! one of the BEST parts of the show was how they combined modern dance, including even hip hop, with the traditional ballet forms. but my favorite part, aside from all the fire - i'm a confirmed pyro!!! - was the way they updated the tired old cliched helpless female stereotype! the ballerinas would dance to the trad score and act out the fear they were supposed to feel at the scary villains. but then suddenly, modern music would take over stravinsky's score and the dancers would rip off their fine fragile gowns to reveal kick ass dance costumes, very burning man couture! totally cool! and then they really would start kicking bad boy ass and taking names, beating back the enemies!!!!!! sunday am, my lover dropped me off at the unitarian church (after fabulous sex again!) and i got to hear chris long, our amazing african american minister speak on envisioning a world without war. he gave great quotes from william ellery channing (a 19th century theologian who spoke out against the cruelty of the spanish american war) and martin luther king jr. then suraja and i had a picnic at berkeley marina with huge kites! a big puppy dog inflatable was flying alongside a floozy's-pair-of-leg's kite (complete with garters and hooker stockings on the legs which were just flapping in the breeze), a complicated lime green geometric kite flew right alongside a whirling rainbow spiral kite. i never saw such kite variety in all my life! there's always a great breeze. and a kite store inside a truck (like an ice cream truck only much bigger and cleaner) just pulls up every weekend! they sell beaucoups! i'm so happy thinking about that day! my was that just yesterday???? wow! what a weekend! http://www.localendar.com/elsie?DAM=PublishedEvent&event_id=898&calendar_id=175248&k=041208&cb=false http://www.kink-e-zine.com/Main_Page.php http://sanfrancisco.tribe.net/event/Kinky-Krafts-II-Toymaking-Workshop/san-francisco-ca-94103/39534aa5-cca5-4b8b-8a38-7a2df6bc7ea0

part 1 of another amazing weekend

newbie — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 07:47:42 GMT

i just went to the goldman awards!!!!! i had no clue what they were about till i was invited by my coalition last year - they are to the environment what the pulitzer is to the printed word (but with all the understated elegance of old san francisco combined with the glitz of the Oscar Awards!!!) they are so very california and so international!!!!! they put on a damn fine show and they inspire at the same time! that's hard to beat! i looooooooooooooooooooooove them! i met so many people there. i always meet the most fascinating folks at any social justice events but this is like to the nth degree! thousands of people go - it's by invitation only and they hand select whoever's doing the most amazing environmental work! some scottish guy who researches and writes about bridges around the world and works with international rivers was there. chatted him up and a woman who was at the very first goldman awards back when they were so small that she hosted the winners in her home. she worked with the penney foundation and her hubbby works with the enviro defense fund (both were ivy leaguers with $$ and a sense of philanthropy.) met a disabled grandma who was in from nyc visiting her daughter, who's getting a 4 yr degree in homeopathy after earning her MD and encountering the limits of western medicine. she was sitting on the steps all alone so i chatted her up. met a way hot lipstick lezzie who unfortuately was already partnered up. she told me all about the safecosmetics.org movement where you can enter the name of the makeup you use and find out what toxins are inside! (scary shit - even many cosmetics sold at health food stores are iffy!) had a conversation with a an asian american fellow who was so soft spoken i had no clue what he was talking about so i did i a lot of smiling and nodding. i'm hosting a friend of mine from nashville this week. she has an amazing inner light. and she's interested in all the things i'm interested in. she's one of the best community organizers i've ever known. and she does it effortlessly. her personality is very large and very shiny and very goddess like. i have always had to fight feeling jealous of her. i think she's done the same for me. we are both fairly evolved so we tend to recognize in ourselves when we're feeling our fabu light dimmed by another alpha female. so we tend to be extra nice to each other since we are both large personalities. i don't keep her too close to my heart since i don't feel heard by her. she needs to be listened to a whole lot. and i am not willing to listen to people endlessly if they are not good listeners themselves. she has everything i want in organizing skills though. so i've always tried to overlook her flaws, and just BE with her. just relax into who she is. it's her world all the time though. she's very generous though so that's good. it's hard tobe around her since i feel jealousy. which is very rare for me! i am almost never jealous of other people. i tend to just feel happy for others when they have good things. but this one person incites the green monster in me. i am continuing the struggle and to hold her in my heart while she's here since i love her interests so very much. and i always learn the most amazing things around her! she taught me about GROOTS, a global "grassroots organizations together" movement. she taught me about goddess energy. she taught me about using music and play with organizing instead of making it always have to be so serious. she taught me to really own my own body wisdom and to trust my inner light alot. she taught me about microlending. here i'm the one with the masters in community organizing and she's the one teaching me all kinds of shit i never knew anything about! she's a southern belle of the best kind. the kind who uses her southern charm to enlivin the world and fight racism. i really love her on such a deep level. so why do i feel so jealous of her? i think it's because she inherited money and gets honored and gets attention that i desire for myself. i know jealousy is based on the scarcity mentality so i want to give up these feelings. she's been wanting me to do improv for years! and i finally did it this morning and absofuckinglutely loved it! i had resisted since i do not like improv and don't feel i have any drama skills. plus i have 2 left feet and they dance a lot. i had mistakenly thought since it grew out of theater and dance movements that i would not be any good at it. well, i rock at it! and so does anyone who wants to try it since they are very freeing with their idea of what it means to create improv and dance as community rather than just performance. it's pretty fucking amazing and i'm definitely going to incorporate it into my life!!!! so i'm just breathing into loving my friend who is larger than life. she's incredibly generous with her connections and i feel blessed that she wants to hang with me. she's wanting to get her family's development biz into community living. and i've become an expert on the subject through my travels. her latest gig is hosting a trip to morocco to see the world music festival. of course she's got amazing connections and i'd love to go. but she's a host and there's a small matter of $3000 to be paid to her for the trip. i'm so damn jealous about that! i wish i could just be happy for her. but i want all these amazing times nonstop! every time you talk to her it's always some new amazing thing. and she's the real deal. she really is fucking amazing. i think i just get tired of her needing me to listen to how amazing everything in her life is. yup. i think that's it. i wish i could feel all loving and warm. if you looked at me, you'd think i do. and she thanked me for being such a light filled person and so loving but the whole time all i could feel was "damn, i wish i had 3K to go to morrocco and why isn't my life fucking amazing all the time?" clearly i have more room for growth! as my dear friend ultrafuschia always says: AFGO! Another Fucking Growth Opportunity! http://www.goldmanprize.org/recipients/current (the picture is of a mextica farmer/organizer who won - they pick folks from each of the continents!)

sexual and creative energy - linked???

newbie — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 07:02:20 GMT

getting downsized made me uberhappy. i started realizing i need a kick out of the nest to really pursue the job of my dreams: directing a nonprofit which works on women's and girl's economic welfare and human rights! i've been having a blast working on it all week! i'm so excited! i got scared about making zero money so i paid half of next month's rent out of my savings. that way i won't spend it on anything i don't need. i can live on an amazingly small amount of cash actually! i'm so used to making so little i'm amazingly frugal. i keep meeting all these astoundingly talented women who are only using about 10% of who they are when they're at work. their many talents go unappreciated and undiscovered by their bosses and they're underemployed or unemployed or harrassed at work or tired of their boring job or made to work they hate since they are so good at it. i keep meeting these amazing women and i want to create opportunities for us to share our wealth of experience and knowledge to make enough to meet our needs and to expend our creativity for ourselves and not for dead end jobs! plus i want to set up mentorships for each of us. find one, reach one to save the next generation of girls from our fate of being abused and underpaid! someone on a tribe i'm on frequently noticed i'm happy. i think this is it! i didn't realize how much it was taking out of me to work for a boss who's an overachiever who's never pleased with results. i feel so happy working for myself! yay! plus the bf came to see me. and he stayed sober the whole time. and he's been so sweetly supportive as he always is, of my hopes and dreams! and i'm going to see him on his bday! yay! just 4.5 weeks and i'll be in denver rolling in my sweet baby's arms! plus the persian hits all my sweet spots and his wife's outa town again. (y'all know i don't cheat! they're polyamorous!) whooothooot! i've been having countless orgasms nightly! damn that man knows all new ways to make me come! boyhowdy i love that man! yup. me so happy! oh and the picture is of the movie i'm showing at my place on friday night, april 11. i posted it on a bunch of tribes. the event module isn't working on tribe.net - at least not on my profile. hope y'all can come!