Seeing the magic is a choice.

The first time I heard the phrase "holding space" was in my Yoga teacher training. My teacher was specifically referring to Savasana, that in the time when students are resting they are most receptive, and our duty as teachers is to keep the energy of the room safe and sacred. At the time I had only the faintest idea what he was talking about, though I had been introduced to meditation at a young age and believed in the power of magic, the actual, visceral experience was foreign to me~ let alone the idea that I might actually 'hold space' for a large group of people.

Now, years of teaching, a variety of medicine journeys and countless rituals and exercises later, I realize that I hold space all the time. It's just what I do. I seem to derive my sense of identity now from the space I hold for my students and loved ones, an apparent experience of healing in someone I have been tending to can make my day.

But today, as I felt my thoughts float on a breeze to Hawai'i while my students were resting, I was brought to attention by a sharp Shiva slap against my mind. I was reminded of the awesome responsibility and blessing it is to do what I do, to be what I am. That while this holding, this healing emanation that I am comes easily and usually effortlessly, it requires a level of impeccable focus - precisely because it is easy now, the work of focus is so much greater.

After class I reflected on another old teaching from Theatre training - the suspension of disbelief. It is the work of actors, designers, directors, to create a space where the audience can forget they are sitting in chairs in a theatre watching people in costumes walk about a bit of draped wood floor with painted canvas walls, but they are actually witnessing whatever the story happens to be unfold before them. It is the work of priestesses, and even Yoga teachers, to make people forget that they live in a world of physical temporal reality and help them remember the infinite power of consciousness that we are. To remind them, rather us, that we create our reality whether we are conscious of it or not. To create butterflies where only caterpillars are evident.

As I ponder the next bit of amazingness unfolding before me, as I feel the awesome responsibility of stepping up to a whole new level of such conducting, such space holding, I am reminded that it begins within me. So I breathe deeply. I went to class tonight to recharge. I ask for guidance and protection and clarity and the ability to be that voice, to hold the space, to be a beauty full instrument. I choose to believe in the infinite abundant magical heartfull courageous intelligence of the Uni-verse

and hold the curtain open.


namaste

oh, Maui.

the first thing you notice when you get off the plane is the quality of the air. It has a smell, no, a flavor, that defies description. Juicy, if air could be juicy. The constant wind that plays in your hair and caresses your skin. The scent of passion concealed as a flower.

I arrived exhausted, from a night of no sleep and months of pushing myself to do, to get established, to set up a base in San Francisco. My first 'vacation' as an adult, and boy howdy did I need it. Picked up by a friend-potential lover- no, wait just good friend- and immersed in the sacred healing waters of I'ao River.

My first full day was spent on a boat - one of the blessings of this trip was that I had many experiences I missed out on when I lived there, like going on a boat. (really). With gorgeous Sasha playing her sweet melodies and whales breaching all around us. And sweet, sweet glorious Sun. How I decided a foggy city was a good place for me I don't understand, I am definitely a heliotrope.

mmm, Mystic Garden Party. One of those times when I tried to volunteer or teach, but the Universe decided I would not work in the obvious way. So I got to play. Though, for me, work and play are often the same. I participated in 2 amazing sweat lodges, listened to Ram Das, and an Hawaiian Auntie (elder) speak simple yet profound wisdom. Love everyone, and tell the truth. I sang a lot, prayed, and danced. I spent most of Valentine's with a dear Beloved journeying in the arboretum, and had a few good healing conversations with the Aina (land). In the second sweat lodge, such a clarity of prayer that I have only felt before with medicine. Calling on myself to be the aspect of Ma that has grown from raped priestess to Warrior woman and is blossoming into Queen, and the aspect of Ra that has gone from conqueror to confused son and is growing into compassionate Healer-King to step up as my partner. On the last night, I had a potent psychic look me over, and say only two words, that kept reappearing the rest of my adventure. Just these words - true love. Mystic, indeed.

I hopped on the hippie caravan, and found myself with that same Beloved camping in beauty in Kipahulu. I slept with the sound of Ocean or River most nights in Hawai'i, enough to know that when the time is right, I will sleep near water for the rest of my days. But, I digress.

I wish I could put into words what Hawaii does to me, when I get away from the crowds and shut off my brain and can truly BE with the magic of the place. This time I had the blessing of sharing much of the experience with a dear Beloved friend, even to the point of flying into love with him - not surprising, considering it's me, and he's amazing, AND it's a very romantic place. - There I go, digressing again, but the islands do that to you. Make you forget what you were 'supposed' to do and cause you to breathe deep and be. But, there was a massive waterfall, and then another hidden one that required scrambling up the river's edge.

And another epic, EPIC whale adventure, this one with so much family and so many whales I about near exploded with joy. I actually exploded with joy several hundred times on those weeks, but a highlight was sitting with miss Ra full in the wind at the front of the boat singing to the whales.

and Source, hmmm. That was a much more challenging experience. The week of cold swims and nights on the ground caught up with me, not to mention hitching in the rain (downpoint of trip, for sure) and I spent the beginning of the festival in the tent with a nasty head cold. and it rained. and it rained. and rained more. and the food was disappointing, the music mediocre, and blah blah blah in my head complaining, until I had to completely surrender. And realize it was all my expectations and desire. and that I hadn't participated in it this year, I was in a completely different headspace from Source of the previous year, so of course it was a different experience. Sunday, a few beautiful conversations and another sweat later, and I felt the magic, or at least the medicine, I went there for. Remembering that to the ancient Hawaiians, water meant wealth. So I was rich, indeed.

and Monday morning I busted out of there and inch-hitched (never be in a hurry on Maui, unless you are ready to be schooled) my way to Lana'i. Another windy night on hard cold ground (note to self, *always* pack Thermarest) But in the morning... dolphins!

We saw a few of them way out, and I grabbed my gear, and looked. They seemed so far, further than I had ever swum from shore, even though the cove was protected and the waters relatively calm. But I swam out, stopping a few times to check direction and be sure they were still there. Praying for them to stick around long enough for me to see them up close. I would make little clicking dolphin-esque sounds, and sure enough, one would leap and spin in the air in the distance. So I kept going. And just when I had gone too far, and was wondering if I should turn back, they appeared! All around me, and under, at least 80 of them. I was so happy, crying so hard I had to take off my snorkel. Saying thank you, and 'hi, hi, hi there' over and over again like the big joyful dork I am. By the time I got back to shore I was very tired, and ecstatic. That group went out, and 200 or so came back and were with us most of that day and the next. I swam with them around me 6 more times, and got to share Celena's first experience with her. Dolphins are such beautiful, graceful, fascinating creatures. The way they look at you, curious yet wise. Sleek and elegant, and so very playful. And I got to lie in the Sun, and share a Keawe wood fire and feast. Face whipping winds aside (another note to self about tents, even on the beach) it was a truly magical Lana'i excursion.

Back to Maui, and one more night with my Beloved friend. How an air mattress can feel like true luxury after nights on the ground! Being with him was quite an exercise for me in truly unconditional love, and releasing attachment. I love, I just love, easily and deeply. And he is a special one, so easy to love. Such a strong, gloriously beautiful man. No hesitation, I flew into love like Icarus for the Sun. As we parted ways, crying like I do, I am proud of how much lightness and gentle space I held for both of us. My call for clarity, his reply that though he loves me he has no space in his heart or life for a woman right now. More tears, more letting go, and the acknowledgment that we are friends for life, but just friends. And so I sent him on his way with a lot of gratitude and love between us, and laughed and prayed and cried on the beach for hours. The many ways I have learned to let go. This passionate heart that loves so, so much. But, it seems, I wouldn't have it any other way.


I spent most of my remaining days in I'ao Valley, relishing in sleeping in and easy walks, with a little Little Beach jaunt in between. It was really clear on the beach there that I was ready to return, that living in California is the right choice for me at this phase of my life, as much as I love the Ocean and Sun and Aina, Maui is not my home at the moment.

My last day, sitting for hours in the Valley, with a little rain and a lot of sighs, and huge beautiful trees, and the spirits of the ancients whispering to me to listen, to breathe, to remember who I am. Almost, almost seeing the menehune (fairies) with physical eyes, though definitely feeling them so present, so wild there. My angels reveling in the easy expansion of that place. Feeling so simply and completely alive.

And now, back in my princess palace oasis of a room. Glad to be home, though wistful in a soft way. Being really kind with myself as I dive into my life here again. Holding the commitment to keep the Aloha, to take it easy as I create the deep work my life is growing into, and not giving to stress or busyness but moving with grace. Teaching this morning, I felt the full importance of time away. The clarity, healing, and perspective I gained on my life. What is important, where I need to put my energy. Who and how I truly love.

The say that you only regret the things you did not do. I certainly did much on this trip, my only regret, that I had direct control over, was not having the foresight to continue with the family to the Big Island. But it allows curiosity for a future adventure, a little will o' the wisp for me to dance after down the road.

In the meantime, there is so much amazingness on the horizon. Isis Oasis events. Performances. Rituals and healing ceremonies. My first trip to Peru later this year, retreats and teaching and creating opportunities for transformation. I am ready to grow fully into my role as a member of this community, to truly step up and offer the fullness of my blossoming. I don't exactly know what that looks like, though I have a good idea. I know the Blood Mysteries are a big part, the healing of the connection of the Divine Feminine and Sacred Masculine is a big part. And joy, helping us all grow through laughter and playfulness (like the dolphins) joy. And remembering, of course, that all you need is true love.

namaste.