My Blog

Doctors

Nightmare1158 — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 18:46:29 GMT

Sometimes I guess it isn't good to share a Doctor with a loved one. Today Hubby and I both had appointments. I thought when I made my appointment, it was just to make sure I kept getting my prosac and celebrex, but the closer the time got for the appointment, the more I realized I really needed to see him. I have had a 30+ weight gain since the last time I was there, and I am retaining bodily fluids so that my rings don't come off by themselves and I have to use soap to remove them at all. None of my clothes fit, and I am more moody than before I went on prosac. The thought of climbing in and out of the pickup truck I am forced to drive is enough to keep me from wanting to go to work, but since I am a house keeper, I don't need any extra incentive to keep me from pain I know I am going to be suffering by the end of my easiest day. I no longer have a doctor, because as he was examining my husband I lost complete control of my emotions and told him how the cow eats the cabbage. He didn't have enough time to hear my complaints because, like always, in my head, he wasn't doing anything to help hubby stop hurting and in my head he is always more important than what I might be suffering. So now I am being faced with the pain of going off the prosac on my own without the substitute of another drug to replace it, and no way now to get the arthritis medication for myself. And by sitting here thinking this way I feel so bad because I am thinking of me and not the fact that Hubby no longer has a doctore either. I am in a no win situation both in realitly and in my head. And these STUPID blogs are all I have to feel alive. I don't have anyone in reality to help me deal with all the STUPID feelings that I am dealing with. GOD I WISH I HAD SOMETHING GOOD TO LOOK FORWARD TOO.

No one Really Cares

Nightmare1158 — Sat, 10 Mar 2007 17:58:29 GMT

Okay so I am down today, and I realize that while I can come on here and rant and post and maybe feel a little better, no one really cares. I could very easily drink and drug myself into oblivion and there isn't anyone truly close to me that cares. I am just so tired of all of it, feeling this way, wanting to live, wanting not to live, the ups and downs are really tiresome for me, and I know that everyone around me feels the same way. When I feel like this, it makes sense to just stop living, I just don't know how to do it and make it work. I can't bleed all over everything, so slicing my arm or blowing my brains out is out of the question, and the od thing doesn't work either, I keep messing that up too. Why can't I just lay down, go to sleep, and not wake up.

Oh Well

Nightmare1158 — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 13:31:18 GMT

Ryan, It didn't work, next time I'll know to take more. I am not happy that I woke up, I am not happy that it didn't work, and I still don't want to be here. But guess God has other ideas. But NO you weren't wrong, it just didn't work. LIke I said, I've never actually tried before.

One more Reason

Nightmare1158 — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 00:16:55 GMT

Haven't gone to the store in days, haven't really cooked a meal, tonight my daughter went to town, got her and her son something to eat, and never even bothered to ask if my Hubby was hungry. But I am supposed to live for THEM?

Ryan

Nightmare1158 — Tue, 27 Feb 2007 23:09:58 GMT

I can't tell you what you meant to me. All I can tell you is that you tried. Thank you and don't give up. For eveyone failure there is success too. Nice knowing that there was ONE person in the big wide world that cared to go the extra mile to help a friend, Hope that in the mean time, it helped you too. I know you will read this when you can't find me anywhere else. Just hope your sadness and heartbreak will go quickly. And if I can, I will find you from beyond, and give you a big hug. The pic, is my last happy day. Love you. Nightmare1158

People in my Head

Nightmare1158 — Tue, 27 Feb 2007 20:41:05 GMT

Since there is no one to talk to live, I'll ramble here for a bit, think it helps occupy my mind. For the most part, all the people in my head agree that this is best. Different feelings and emotions, usually resolved to acceptance. There is one that is taunting, mean, telling me that no one really cares It will be a great releif, they are gonna just let it happen. There is another part of me that doesn't beleive it is real at all, It's all part of a game, and nothing is going to happen at all. There is another part that hopes it's a game, and that if it isn't, the other one is wrong and someone will stop it. And then that part thinks, if they don't, it means they don't care, so if it is real better to just let go, It all leads to acceptance in the end. Peace, the end, releif. Just too dayam slow, wish I knew for sure.

A Tribute to the Pan

Nightmare1158 — Tue, 27 Feb 2007 19:18:51 GMT

I sit in the shade of a great big tree over looking a water hole and what do I see, There is grass so green the smell so sweet and every animal is a special treat. The wildes and impalas the most common around they roam together in their presence I am found. The zebras are playful they romp and the run It's a joy to see them when they are just having fun There are elephants, mongoose, giraffes and geese, Kudos so proud are my favorite of these. I found a place I thought was like home to gather with friends and not be alone. Today as I sit here under this tree A monkey comes and sits on my knee Come home he said This peace for to find. Leave the hussle and bussle of the world far behind. God's calling me home and I gladly will go. For only the animals will ever really know. The sorrows, the sadness the fear and the gloom, My love is all gone In heaven theirs room.

Today

Nightmare1158 — Tue, 27 Feb 2007 15:24:57 GMT

Yesterday was a great day, I hadn't slept the night before, but the whole day was very positive. I was aware of my surroundings, and I didn't want to die. Last night I went to bed about 11ish and slept like a log, I wake up shaky, nervous, and anxious. Fighting depression. Hopefully it will get better.

My nights

Nightmare1158 — Tue, 27 Feb 2007 00:19:35 GMT

My nights are worse because my husband wakes up after sleeping all day, and starts complaining about everyting. That really make me stress out, and totally adds to the depression. I have been feeling pretty good today, bets that within the next two hours I crash royally. I know it's coming, I can already feel it building. But there isn't supposed to be anything wrong with me, It shouldn't bother me that he is grouchy, he is in pain. Knowing he feels that way, doesn't make me feel anybetter.

Yep!

Nightmare1158 — Mon, 26 Feb 2007 04:07:21 GMT

I'm just gonna let go, and give it up. Thanks for those that wanted to help, but know that I didn't want help.

Today

Nightmare1158 — Sun, 25 Feb 2007 19:17:30 GMT

I am in the process of trying to learn what drugs interact with prozac. I also need to know how prozac and novolog insulin interact with each other. I am working things out, want to be ready.

A man cometh:

Nightmare1158 — Sun, 25 Feb 2007 04:14:02 GMT

an man cometh and taketh away, freedom, purity, selfisness, he taketh, feelings, emotions, reason, and sanity he taketh love and kindness, why does woman need man, when man only taketh?

It's starting again

Nightmare1158 — Tue, 13 Feb 2007 00:49:08 GMT

The anxiety, the feeling of hopelessness, the fear. I am lost in my own thoughts and emotions. I have driven people away again, and am continueing to push those that don't budge. I feel like my head is exploding and I need someone with a rational mind to reach out and pull me back. I need a friend, who understands my fear and lonliness, and my desperation. Is it you that I need? If you have ever felt any of these things, then You are the one I am looking for. Please reach out to me.

Med Help, buuuuttt.....

Nightmare1158 — Mon, 11 Dec 2006 22:44:39 GMT

I started on Prosac last monday. I feel like it's helping, but today I am a little down, I felt all nervous this morning and then a minor little thing happened when I was workig, and now I feel all down and depressed and really tired. I can't understand the reasoning behind all this down time.

Doing Better

Nightmare1158 — Fri, 08 Dec 2006 15:13:27 GMT

While it is still the holida season, and nothing has really changed, I am finding life a little easier to deal with. Life is still life, and it still sucks. I have been working alot lately, and I think that helps me take my mind off the things that bother me. I am in alot more physical pain because of it, but the emotional pain has gotten easier to cope with. Thanks for all my friends that have been there for me. It has helped more than you know.

My Day

Nightmare1158 — Wed, 22 Nov 2006 16:52:01 GMT

I am so sexually frustrated I can't function. I lay next to my husband every night, wanting desperately to make love to him, and knowing that it is not possible. I tried to have an internet fantasy love, but that didn't work for me, because I felt like it was cheating. I love my husband very much. I just want to hold him and touch him, and he can't handle that either. So tell me what to do?

<<<knocking head against a brick wall

Nightmare1158 — Mon, 20 Nov 2006 23:21:42 GMT

I swear is there no one that will hear me cry, no one that can see desperation and loneliness. Millions of people in the World, and I feel like the only one that feels this way. God Grant me the serinity to accept DEATH as the final end to the suffering.

My Places

Nightmare1158 — Mon, 20 Nov 2006 01:26:32 GMT

Depression and despair go hand in hand, and lurk on the outter reaches of my mind. The darkness engulfs me and there is no light that can penetrate the deepest fears created in my mind. These imaginary monsters have substance, I can touch them, feel them touching me, I can smell them and I can hear and see them, yet in my mind I know the are not a part of reality. Yet, they are real to me. There is this very large dark creature, his eyes are dark brown, and he is covered with thick dark very soft fur, his touch is very warm and sometimes comforting, until I realize that he is touching me. He never moves quickly on me, and sometimes seems disappointed that I withdraw. When I am searching for my dark space to crawl into, I know he is there and he will warm me. Is this a good creature or something to fear. I fear the need to search for my dark warm "fuzzy" space. It means something is happening that my mind doesn't want to deal with. There are the smells of the damp and cold space. I am not sure what the creature is that lives there, I don't remember ever seeing it, but I can hear it, rustling in the distance. It makes a grinding biting sound that sounds as though it labors for breath. I think it slobbers. I hear dripping water in the distance. This seems like a cave or a very wet deep hole in the ground. When I find myself here I feel like a rabbit trapped in a corner. I want to run, but there doesn't seem to be any escape. There is the place filled with warm yellowish light. The creature that lives here seems to want to mentor me. She talks to me and entrances me with her musical voice. She is made of lights and shimmers and musical notes. The air is comfortable and the sent is sweet, like jasmine. Yet here I don't feel safe. It is as though there is an alternate part to this place that tells me these are all lies. That the music is false and I should not listen to what she is saying. I am hard pressed to leave here, but I don't want to stay either, here there is indecision, and unrest. When I am here, I am pacing trying to know what is right and what is wrong. There is another very cold, place, it is brightly lit with a pure white light, and the smell is very strong, like anticeptic in nature. This noise is very loud and metalic like, and yet can not be distiguished from the quiet. There is a great deal of pain in this place. I feel it in my private areas. My head hurts and I want to scream, but no sound will come out. There is something holding my hands and my feet are tied open. There is no escape, and while I sence that I am not along, the figures lurk in the rays of the light where they can not be clearly seen. I feel a cold metalic touch on my skin and it is very painful. There is a loud engine type sound that accompanies the touch, and as the sound changes so does the pain. There is a greyness about the world that I live in, drab, cold, unfriendly. Like a thick fog that doesn't give way to passersby. Even in reality, the fog is there, pressing in, crowding, smothering. I look for release and find none. There is a musty smell to the fog, almost acid like. Breathing is difficult, the air is too heavy. It seems the path I have chosen is never ending. The time clicks by with persistance, and I long for a breath of fresh air, and some sunshine, even rain would be a welcome releif to the fog. Haze and grey, cold and univiting, I tread my path alone. No one can share this path with me. I have seen "sprites" in the fog, little sprinkles of light, and I want to grab them and hold them in front of me to push away the fog. It seems they are very fleeting and barely with in reach. I look to them as comfort, as guardian angels in the mist. They give me some comfort and some hope. These little sprites have been my only companions on my journey and it is sad to see one of them fade away.

My Blog

Doctors

No one Really Cares

Oh Well

One more Reason

Ryan

People in my Head

A Tribute to the Pan

Today

My nights

Yep!

Today

A man cometh:

It's starting again

Med Help, buuuuttt.....

Doing Better

My Day

&lt;&lt;&lt;knocking head against a brick wall

My Places

<<<knocking head against a brick wall