Part of me is kicking myself for not writing this sooner. My inner critic is saying "You fool! If you had written this a month ago, you might not be in this mess." And he's quite possibly right. Maybe I have been wearing Ruby Red Slippers all along. If so, here goes...

Click.

Click.

Click.

There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like even a temporary sublet in a run-down flat with a bunch of hippies...

Yes people. I'm talking about the glory of house-hunting. And the bonus glory of doing it in San Francisco.

I don't know what made me think that we'd waltz in to San Francisco and just have housing offers up the kazoo. In my delusional visions, I saw us walking in to a cocktail party and casually mentioning our desire to find a home, and by the end of the night having the swellest flat that SF has to offer, plus some new best friends. Maybe it used to work that way, or maybe it's my SMD (selective memory disorder), I don't know. All I do know is that the offers have not been rolling in. Well I take that back, we have had several offers, but every one of them seems to change their mind about that big trip, or somehow overlooked that the flat was too small for a couple, or just plain forgot mentioning it to us. And every time that we kinda-sorta think that we found a place, we feel that oh-so deceptive false sense of security. Then the place doesn't work out for whatever reason and we scramble to find another dangling carrot and another fleeting moment where we feel like everything is okay.

What I have learned is this: In the wonderful world of Craigslist, being a couple is as bad as being a drug addict or a couch potato. In order to be a desirable candidate, one should be a) single, b)professional, and c) away from home as much as possible. In other words pay the rent, but be gone all the time. Okay, not all of the listings are like this. Some of them want you to be in your early 20's, always up for a party, and immune to living rooms littered with bodies. Oh, and let's not forget the ones who place such importance on your being a cat lover that instead of posting pictures of the room, there are four pictures of their goddamned cat in various poses. But, once again, no couples.

And, on the rare occasion that someone lists those magical words "Couples Okay", I write a lovely and brief introduction to who we are and then wait and wait for the response that never comes. I try not to take it personally, but... well I've always been overly sensitive.

So now, at long last, I appeal to you my tribe community. Someone out there has a room, or knows someone with a room, or knows someone who's cousin's best friend's sister has a room, that would be perfect for us. We're not asking for much. Just someplace where we can be comfortable for a while. It doesn't even have to be permanent. I am just sick of moving every week. And now that I am in school full time, it's a real bother. Instead of doing my homework, I have to pack on the weekends and move to a new residency hotel, or to another friend's house. It's not what I envisioned my student life to be like.

Now is the part that I hate. Describing ourselves. I have done it so many times for Craigslist, and it always feels super nerdy and needy (notice that those words are only one letter apart). How do I describe us in a few simple bullet statements so that your interest is piqued and you think to yourself "Wow, I really want to live with these guys!"? It's worse than writing a resume. So I just won't do it for now, I'll just try to break it down to a few simple truths:

1) We are a couple. A package deal. We come in a set of 2. Brandon and Randy Joe. NingNong and Randiana Jones. I hope that's clear enough.

2) Though we're clean, we're not freaks about it. We're really not into "Chore Wheels", or people who bust out the cleaning supplies once a week and go on a manic binge and expect us to drop everything and join in. Howsabout people who just like a sanitary living situation, and do their share to make that happen?

3) We eat meat, but you don't have to. However, if you don't eat meat, please don't be all uppity about it. We do a really good job of cleaning pots and pans, so none of that negative energy is going to find it's way into your fava beans.

4) We love a vibrant household that is blessed with amazing guests, but we've left the hippie flop-houses as things of our past. We don't want weird rules like about how long people cans stay, we just don't want to pay someone's bills while they bore us to tears.

5) We are sensitive and caring people. However, we find it tedious to live with people whose feelings get hurt easily and who enjoy processing their pain as often as possible. If your feelings were hurt by that last sentence, it's probably not a good idea if we live together.

6) Basically, we are really easy to get along with and love being surrounded by people with a healthy and relaxed attitude towards life. It's that easy.

So, I could go on and talk about what I'm studying in school, or what Randy Joe does in the Solar Industry, or about how I lived in Berlin for 4 years, or how RJ lived in the desert. But that's all chit-chatty conversational stuff that we could get to later. For now, I'll make up some hypothetical ads for imaginary flats that we WOULD be interested in, versus ones that we WOULD NOT.

WOULD: Happy artistic household seeking interesting person(s) to fill large sunny room. We are an eclectic bunch who are all involved with exciting projects, but we also like to relax at home with each other and our friends. We are queer, straight, and metrosexual, and have all had make-out sessions with members of each gender. Between us all we have tried every drug known to man, but none of us are so hooked on anything that we spend more time with needles, pipes, or bottles than people.

WOULD NOT: Militant Vegan, Anarchist QueerPunk household seeks others interested in communal living. You must be interested in working out problems through weekly household meetings and be willing to cook one to two meals per week. All food is communal and you are expected to participate in most meals as this is a time for us to share our political manifestos, as well as work through many of our issues.

WOULD: One Bedroom Flat available for creative, dynamic tenants. Hi, I struck it rich in the .com goldrush and bought a cute little house. Though I lost all of my fancy cars and motorbikes, I managed to keep the house and not go bankrupt. I like to rent the extra apartment out to people who are leading lives that mean something. I'm not interested in a credit check so much as a reality check. You should be able to razzle dazzle me with your charm, and make me feel comforted in knowing that rent will be paid. The lease will be month to month, and as long as we get along and the rent is paid, everything will be great. Oh, and there's a garden in the back, and rooftop access with a barbecue.

WOULD NOT: Professional household seeks same. Hello, we all work in cubicles downtown from 9-5, and sometimes later just to impress the boss. Though our job titles are impressive, none of us really knows exactly how to describe what it is we do because we mostly try to look busy and get promoted. You should have similar goals and ideals. We sometimes have a glass of wine together and pretend to like each other, and have a strict rule about no noise after 10pm. Our furniture is all beige, sometimes with chocolate accents, and most of it comes from IKEA. If you have furniture, please submit a picture for consideration.

Okay, have I blabbed on enough? If you've made it this far, you either love me a lot, you're bored or I struck a chord somewhere. If it's the former, I love you too. If it's the latter and you think you know something or someone who somehow fits my somewhat ambiguous description, please write me back. And if you're just bored, go rent a movie.

PS I know that a lot of you are really excited to live in the East Bay, and I am so happy for you. But, I'll be honest with you, it depresses me over there. You just have to understand that for many years, I have lived in cities where I can walk everywhere. So when I'm in the East Bay, I feel stuck. So please understand, that we are looking for a place to live in San Francisco proper.


PPS If you want to read an absolutely non-offensive posting that I put on the Craigslist, here it is:


Hi, I'm posting a little blurb about my boyfriend and myself in the hopes that someone out there knows of a perfect living situation for us. It feels kind of weird describing ourselves in a couple of paragraphs, but hopefully it grabs someone's attention.

I am 35 and am returning to San Francisco after an 11 year absence. During that time, I lived several years between New York and LA, and then spent 5 years in Europe 4 of which were spent in Berlin. I've generally always supported myself as an artist and have worked in film, television and stage, and have designed several clothing lines. At the moment I have a t-shirt line that I sell to boutiques in the US and Europe, and am even in a museum gift-shop in Manhattan. Right now I am returning to school to study multimedia arts so that I have better technical skills for making my own short films and videos. So I geek out a lot on my computer making little animations and wacky music.

My boyfriend is 43 and is presently working in the solar industry and will be in and out of town often to work on projects. His present project is installing the solar panels to power the water turbines for the Willits Public Utilities Department. He is also a glass artist and works with fused glass as well as three dimensional stained glass pieces. He is also part owner of a screen printing and embroidery business in Oregon. He is a super calm kind of guy who likes to get away as often as possible and has spent a lot of time living in Joshua Tree working on his art.

Both of us are very easygoing and drama free. Each of has lived extensively in group settings and are able to keep a harmonious flow in our living situations. We've got quirky senses of humour and like living with people who we can have a good laugh with. We're not excessive partiers, but we're not prudes either.

So that's us in a nutshell. I thank you for taking the time to read about us, and I hope that you would be interested in meeting us. Please feel free to call me at (323) 896-0513.

-Brandon

Baby Jesus, please help me. As you know, I still have 5 and a half hours left on my eight and a half layover in Miami. As you also must know by now, I took the bus to South Beach. Dearest God, how and why did you create such people as this? Everyone is some sort of stereotype. I would be laughing right now if I had slept, but it's been nearly 13 hours of travel so far, with only 2 hours of "sleep" in the last 30 hours. And Christ, these people are freaking me out. I feel like I'm about to have a seizure or a nervous breakdown, and dearest Jesu-Christo, please hear my cry and don't let me lose it because I don't think any of these people would help me. I think they would all descend upon me like several schools of flesh-eating fish and I would be gone in seconds. Lord, I don't ask for much, but please help me in my direst hour. Give me the strength to make it through this sea of distorted faces and augmented breasts and hoochy-mamas and gays-with-tribal-armband-tattoos and B-boys and wanna-be gangstah rappers and drugfucked hookers and girlsgonewild and homeless people with leathery/brownish/purplish skin and matted hairpieces and most especially Oh Lord, save me from the Ladies and The Gays in Versace.

My Dearest, Sweetest BabyJesusChristChild,

In these things I pray,

Amen

PROLOGUE

Okay, so as many of you know, I wrote to this Peruvian trade organization and said I was interested in attending a tradeshow that they put on in Lima. And it's true, I was interested in what they did down here, but I was also very interested in a free ticket to South America. I didn't think they would want me to come after they saw my website full of gay porn t-shirts, but boy was I surprised when they wrote me back and said they'd like to buy me an airplane ticket. I could come down early, or stay after and travel, but my one commitment was to attend the show for 3 days. The following is a succession of e-mails I sent out during the first day, which was yesterday. I needed something to keep myself busy because I kinda felt like I didn't belong there. I had only slept a few hours the night before, so my feelings of being lost and isolated were magnified. I will present these writings in an unedited format so you can really see where my head was.

PERU MODA PART 1: UHHH...

I'm here. But I don't know what I'm supposed to do. It's
just this massive complex with every crappy handbag, pair
of panties, and ugly girlie-T you've ever seen. But that's
just a quick skim on the surface. And actually, a lot of
the booths aren't ready, so who knows. There are also big
embroidery machines and industrial sewing machines, and Oh,
here goes a leather booth just getting set up. I guess
I'll just sit here and look busy. Now that I'm registered,
I could probably just leave. There are Lectures later, but
with titles like "Following the Trends in Fabric for the
up-coming Season", I'm not super super interested. At 7
there's the delightful sounding "Young Creators to the
World Design Contest", but I don't know what that's all
about. Maybe it's like project runway and I can enter and
really show 'em what I got when I design an evening gown
out of nothing more than this blue-grey carpet upon which
we tread. In any case, it looks like I might have a lot of
time to sit and write and look busy. Oh, and download tv
shows.

PERU MODA PART 2: AM I FINISHED ALREADY?

Ummmm...

...Yeah. I don't know who they thought they were
benefiting by having me here. There is only one booth with
t-shirts, and they are eco frendly so the colours are quite
mute. Okay, I could use them for my Earth Conscious Porn
Line, but not much else. There is one stand with ink and I
went to talk to the guy and he went off on some salesman's
spiel in Spanish and totally lost me because he was just
talking AT me, but they got a website so maybe that
will do the talking. Other than that, there's a lot of
alpaca shit, and you wouldn't believe some of the wacky
things they have made from it. I'm talking Patsy and Edina
from AbFab go to Machu Picchu. Totally ridiculous and
crazy brightly coloured alpaca all chopped up and knit
together to make some wild creations that I could only
imagine would work for a cold night at a faerie gathering.
If only I could stock up on some of that for next week!
There are also some booths full of shit that's supposed to
be young and hip, but that is so goddamned stupid I have to
laugh. Like imagine jeans with patches all over them with
things like dollar symbols and peace signsand hearts and "cool" in
bubble-letters. And t-shirts that have been dyed, then bleached,
then choppped up, then sewed together, then some alpaca was
added with a print of a phoenix, then some hand-stitching
with big thread, then some embroidery of foliage, and
finally add a bunch of gold to top off the creation.
Sounds nice, doesn't it? But what I don't know, (and am
afraid to ask because I fear another anxious salesman
rattling off a bunch of rapid-fire Spanish), is whether or
not these people are selling the actual shirt, or the
concept that they can do all these things TO a shirt. Holy
Christ, what have I stumbled upon this time? Well, there
are some fashion shows in a half an hour. If nothing else,
I feel certain that they will be quite funny. The models I
have seen strutting around all look like Shakira's back-up
dancers, so I expect nothing less than a Latin-American
trash-fest.

I'll report more, Up-To-The-Minute Fashion News as it
unfolds!

PERU MODA PART 3: AND SHE'S IN FASHION

Ohmygod!!! I really can't begin to tell you how bad that
fashion show was! Okay, let me try...

First of all, my blonde hair and blue eyes assured me a
spot in the VIP section, right up on the stage just next to
the runway.

The show started off with an announcer in Spanish and then a
really really really bad and funny translation talking
about the designer's inspiration. Things like "Using of
the unique form and shapes of tradition, with contrasts of
colours which makes for pleasing lines and easy to wear
while mixing and matching." And I couldn't really laugh
cuz I was right up on the stage myself.

Then show number one starts. A lady in a Bolero hat
wrapped in blanket like you would expect to see on a
donkey, comes out very mysteriously but with big, prancy
steps in high-heels that are two sizes two big. Then she
seductively lowers the donkeyblanket to show off her K-Mart
style bra and panties. Do you have the picture firmly
planted in your head? Good. Now repeat the same sequence
of images 17 more times and you have the first show in it's
entirety.

Ready for show number 2? Denim meets Alpaca in this Modern
Interpretation of an old theme. Pollyanna's Latina Cousin
comes down from the mountain-top and struts the catwalk in
an elegant Andean Themed outfit that you won't soon forget!
Denim with colourful embroidery and flouncy, balloon
shaped skirts makes for an unforgettable interplay when
coupled with the sensuous flair of Alpaca. Run, don't walk
to your nearest outlet for this look, cuz it's going quick!

And Show number 3 will really knock your socks off! Did
you think that tie die was out? Well this Peruvian
designer proves you wrong with his sumptious tie-dyed
collection. Add sewed on patches that look like
black-faced Incan Kings, a few dazzling rhinestones, and
Alpaca Leg-warmers, and you have a look that screams
"Hot-Hot-Hot".

And all of the music has those Andean flutes like those
guys you see all over the world, except it's played with 90's
house beats. And the second show had an echo voice
throughout that said the company's name "Contex Moda,
moda...moda...moda." A very special treat for my ears.

It was just torturous to be up so close to these three
collections, but be unable to laugh or even crack a smile
due to my up-on-the-stage situation. The big question on
my mind now is "How can they top that in the 3 O'Clock
show?"

PERU MODA PART 4: BETTER, WORSE, AND EVERYTHING IN-BETWEEN

It gets better. Or maybe it gets worse. But sometimes
worse is better. That's what I gotta keep telling myself.

Another round of "Fashion" shows crept up on me at 3. I
went in a little late which was good because it meant that
they didn't put me on display up on that goddamned stage.
I actually stood next to the fire extinguisher, which was
great. Except that someone left an orange duffel bag there
and I kept fantasizing that there was a bomb in it. It
made sense, I mean outside looked like a war-zone with all
the riot cops. Probably some of the richest people in Peru
were in watching that show. I'm sure there are plenty of
Peruvian Guerilla groups who would love to make a statement
by blowing up the Fashion Elite. And how fitting to put
the bomb into a bright orange duffel bag that's so ugly
that only someone with their head up the ass of Miss
Fashion Herself would carry it. I was just glad that I was
right next to it cuz if it went off, I would rather have
just been put out of my misery at that point.

Well, the first show was just weirdo. Like some fabric
store explosion... I can't even describe it. The funniest
part of it was that all the girls wore really high boots
that were always really loose around their thighs or calves
cuz the girls were all skinny model girls. So they had
that "Puss in (stiletto) Boots" look.

The next show was a jewelry show. Why have a runway show
with jewelry, you ask? Yeah, I ask too. And in order to
make the audience not notice their bodies, they walked
really stiff and flatfooted and marched to the
military-esque beat of the music. But the funny thing was
that the girls were really "selling" that jewelry! They
made these exaggerated faces (well, everybody did, but
these ones were really over the top and they would look
down at their own neck or wrist really silent-picture-like
kinda like "I'm ready for my Close-Up Mr. DeMille") and
made hand gestures like on the price is right. And they
were all barefoot and wore really plain dresses so as not
to compete with the jewelry. But the biggest competition
for the jewelry was just the distance. There was a
projection of the models in the background, but it was
really crappy, so all you could tell was that there was
some really garish looking gold necklace with a seemingly
matching bracelet.

After that came some Cotton fashions. The first model that
came out was about 59 and shaped like a pear, so I guess
they were going for "everyday realness" with her. But then
came the parade of painted tarts that we had been
accustomed to. And the applause roared when a little girl
of about 6 years sashayed on in wearing a totally slutty
outfit and shaking her ass back and forth with each step so
that her little pink mini-skirt swished like a whip. All
of this stuff looked like cut-up sheets and everything was
either Powder-Puff-Pink, Soft-Cream-Yellow, or Baby-Blue.
And none of them wore shoes but they walked on their
tippy-toes so I wondered if the shoes just hadn't come in
time and they had to just pretend like they were wearing
them, or if it was kinda like "The Emperor Wears No Shoes"
and they thought nobody would notice.

It's all kinda blurry after that, but two more designers
had their models barefoot walking on their tippy-toes with
that weird, snappy, birdlike walk. I just don't get it,
but it seems to be all the rage this season.

Then I just didn't know what I should do. Part of me
wanted to get while the gettin was good, another part
wanted to see what they would do with the Opening
Ceremony/Design Contest "Young Designers to the World".
Call me a masochist, but I stayed.

I was seated next to these loud American girls who were
obnoxious and talking about some of the most inane things
imaginable. So I made sure to say something to someone
else in as nearly perfect Spanish as I could muster, and
turn my badge around so they didn't look to me for solace
and comraderie. As far as that goes, I really had thought
that there would have been some kinda mis-fit kids like me
who had finaggled a free trip and had to make penance by
witnessing the debacle. But there weren't. There was just
the loudmouthembarassing type American, and the middle-aged
kind who had a shop somewhere like Pensatuckey or
Illinidahio that sold "imports" and had some name like "3rd
World's a Charm", or "Shangri-la". So needless to say, I
didn't make any lifetime friends today.

Anyhow, the Young Designers to the World were given a task,
not unlike Project Runway. Their task was to use the
traditional fabrics of Peru and bring them into a modern
look. Well... every single girl looked like they had just
won the Miss Machu Picchu Raver Competition 1993. Or like
some chick who was really into the hippy look 2 years ago,
so she has lots of "ethnic" fabrics lying around, but now
she's a real Burning Man fan so she got her friend's sewing
machine and made herself lots of weird hats and skirts and
leggings and knit gauntlets. And her motto?: "When in
doubt add lots and lots and lots and lots of bright wool
pom-poms and ribbons!"

Well, I didn't stick around to see who won cuz it all
looked the same to me anyways. Plus I did NOT want to miss
that shuttle bus back to my neighbourhood. So, I got to
experience the luxury of 6 pm Lima rush-hour traffic,
crammed into a bus with a bunch of Americans who kinda fit
into both catagories previously mentioned, and some really
jazzed up South Americans. I ordered some food, and in my
haze didn't realize that I was ordering Beef Heart Kabobs,
but once they came I just succombed and I ate
them. Pretty chewy, but okay if slathered in ranch
dressing.

Now I gotta shower and rush off to the Opening Night Gala
Event at Hotel Los Delfines which reportedly has a dolphin
tank in the middle of the bar or around the bar or
something like that and the dolphins just swim around and
look at the people while they drink. I feel like I just
want to go and jump in with the dolphins. Maybe I can help
them escape. But, it's not really near any water, so that
might be a problem.

Wishmeluckonthelastpartofthislonglonglongday,

-Ningalino

PERU MODA PART 5: THE SHARK TANK VS THE DOLPHIN TANK, NEWS AT ELEVEN

So I got it together and took a cab up to Los Delfinos.
The party was on the 2nd floor in a large, windowless box.
The lights were really bright through the chandeliers and
the crowd was really loud. And there was no bar, just
waiters, so I had to wait for a while til one just had Coke
with no booze. Meanwhile I just kinda tried to find
someone who looked interesting to talk to, but I was
drawing a blank. I was kinda too braindead to speak much
Spanish. Plus, when these South Americans get their party
on, it's a bit much for me. Especially when I'm feeling as
worn out and fragile as I am. And The Gays are extremely
under-represented. Well, at least The Obviously Gays. I
was kinda thinking there'd be some Venezuelan queen
prancing around puttin on a show that would come up to me
and say "Who are Joo?, Joo are faboolussss!", but it never
happened. The only ObviGays there to speak of was this
OlderManYoungerGuy combo. Kind of like I picture that they
got together when the man was middle aged and the guy was a
boy, but now the man is quite old and the guy is mid 30s.
And I see the Older Man owning a boutique in Palm Springs
that he lets Younger Gay pretty much run, which he loves,
and they have lots of little parties with finger sandwiches
and wines that they pick up on their buying trips around
the world. And they sell a really eclectic mix of things
and everything has some story which Younger Gay freely
tells to anyone who'll listen "Oh, so there we were in
Peru, and we saw a show by this designer who uses all
traditional fabrics, and... OH God, I just fell in LOVE
with his work! So unique, don't you think?" Anyhow, that's
how I picture it. I didn't introduce myself cuz I didn't want to shatter
the illusion. Anyhow, when the finger foods come out on little
trays the people mob the poor waiter like sharks at a
feeding frenzy and once I was inadvertantly in the way and
I had all these women reaching over me and cramming into me
and I just had to get the fuck out.

So, I went in search of the dolphins. They were to be
found in a basement bar cuz the bar is underneath their
pool/cage. So the dolphins can swim up to the windows and
they can swim over this one part where the ceiling is also
glass. But in that part one of them wasn't moving. Just
kind of resting his tail on the ceiling (which was the
floor to him), and every now and then he'd raise his head
and get air, so I guess that part was pretty shallow. The
other one swam in really slow circles and I tried to call
to him with the Power Of My Mind, but I felt like they've
worked hard to just block the people out. And in that
little area the people were so loud. Everybody was
screaming to be heard and my head had already been hurting,
but this made it just throb. I couldn't believe that
people could have dolphins swimming over them and they
could just scream and carry on like that. So I just stood
and watched them for a while and then caught a cab back,
kinda sad about it.

Tomorrow I'm not gonna rush to get to that show. The only
reason I would go at all is cuz I don't want them to miss
me and then not give me a ticket down again. Next time I
want other friends to come down too. There's really a lot
of cool and interesting things at the tradeshow, and the
crazy things would be much more fun with people to laugh
about it with. Being there all alone just makes me feel a
little bit psycho. It's a good thing I brought my lap-top
so I could just write about it all. Otherwise it would
have just been swimming in my head and really been too
much. Plus writing made me look like I was busily
describing all the wonderous things I saw to my
multimillion dollar associates. Cuz when I was looking at
things, I tried to have that look on my face like "Hmmm,
should I buy six hundred, or six thousand?" What else do
you do when you gotta be somewhere all day and hardly
anything applies to you? I just tried to look busy and
really interested and important all day. When I had a
sense-of-purpose look on my face people just left me alone
cuz I looked like I knew what I was doing. But the second
I looked lost, somebody was giving me some flyer for
something I couldn't care less about and then they'd talk
my ear off in Spanish and then I had to use Brainpower, of
which there was precious little. So thank God for laptops,
I say! Plus my new laptop bag is such a pretty blue colour
that I loved walking around with it today and imagining
that every fashionista in the joint had their eyes on my
laptop bag and my pretty silver Mac. But really I think
they just had eyes for the alpaca.

PROLOGUE

Today I slept in until 11:30 and I'm gonna roll in for a few hours just to make an appearance. Hopefully I am invited back next year, and hopefully some of you come too. There really is a lot of interesting stuff, it's just hard to be alone and in the middle of such an extreme environment. But hey, it got me writing again.

Hey gang,

I'm down in Peru for a few more daze, and then I head off towards Short Mountain for the gathering. The thing is, I have a long layover in Miami and don't know what to do. I will have 8 and a half hours to kill on the 28th of April. Does anybody know if I can just easily catch a bus and go to a beach or somewhere that would be fun to wander around? Or maybe someone in my exteeeeeended family lives there and feels like driving me around and showing me the sites? Any help at all would sure be appreciated.

-Ning Nong