unloading mind babble

The solstice comes...and so does the light...

nonamae_agape — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 20:09:00 GMT

Bubbling over with energy, giggles, and heart tickles ::grins:: Smiles bursting forth, spontaneous laughing combustion...today is a fort building day! The Solstice nears, and with that the light begins to return...makes sense that I feel so bright today. What is it that inspired me so? You. And Me. And playing and pausing and kitties and love-ter. <3 When is the last time you took a moment, a minute, an hour, a day to do absolutely nothing...AND LOVE IT?! When was the last time you felt energetically charged, inspired, vested with all your creative powers of your world? When was the last time you giggled endlessly? SHOW ME! For laughs, for giggles, just because...it would be fun to see :) Push the pause button on the "should's", on the "have to's" and be content in the blissful nothingness. Millions of opportunities abound. Adventure awaits! These moments are as magical as you make them! ;) AND...it's healthy dammit! Proven studies about the effects of laughter, proven for smiles, and, I'll go out on a limb here...I'll bet for playfulness too ;) Here is your virtual permission slip to skip out... You can tell whoever you need to that...today...you have strict orders from your Health Coach to play, then...GO DO IT! You tell me how healthy you feel at the end of that. HA! For more playful silliness...tune into you! =D

Questions 4 U, Help 4 Me...pleeease w/organic awesome-ness on top ;)

nonamae_agape — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 02:42:19 GMT

I'm addicted to health courses ;) Part of my class project is to go out an pole people about their struggles with health (cravings, emotional eating, food allergies, energy levels, overall optimal health)...to be more specific. There are 10 questions to this survey, and I would love Love LOVE the extra help. 100% confidential - you can give me an alias to use or you can ask me to keep it anonymous. You can trust me...seriously. Also, if you feel open and don't mind sharing your struggles and journey with everyone post here, IF NOT please just copy the poll below and send me your answers via private message or to my email: you.r.alive@gmail.com If you decide to help out just answer the questions with your Chief Health Concern in mind. THank You THANK YOU in advance for helping me out. =D So here goes: Remember all of the questions are being asked in relation to whatever health concern you list below… Chief Health Concern - your most prominent health struggle out of the following: Cravings, Emotional Eating, Food Allergies, Low Energy, Feeling Healthy: _________________________ Gender:_____ Age: ______ 1. What are your greatest fears? 2. What frustrates you the most? 3. What are your greatest desires? 4. What’s the one thing you want? 5. What are your “wounds”? 6. What keeps you awake at night? 7. What do you spend your money on with regards to health? 8. What are your strengths? Weaknesses? 9. What will help you achieve their goals? 10. What publications do you turn to for help, information, health tips?

what do you do when...

nonamae_agape — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 18:32:48 GMT

you get anxious knots in your stomach about something you have no control over and hurts a lot? i really am curious. how do you handle those types of situations in your life? i'm dealing with that right now. i wish that i could just change my perception, and that it would be changed on deeper than a mental level. at the same time i feel like giving in to something i don't want is settling. wondering, if'ing, worrying...enough. if i go with it, if i'm totally ok with it...i'll free myself from tons of pain...at least in this situation. ...unless...i decided to leave the situation and not settle for what i don't want. babbling babbling really i just want to hear how you handle such situations in your life... : )

it's been a while...but about time...

nonamae_agape — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 00:24:49 GMT

coming to the point in another cycle where i'm peaking my head out and checking in and i miss you...this...my community have you ever gone through a period where you're persuing a path and and at some point while blazing the trail you realize you don't feel connected look around and realize you haven't been staying connected and you've lost touch with that *feeling* that prompted you to traverse this path in the first place? ever feel like in some ways you were more connected than you are now and you try to utilize the tools and lessons that usually center you to no avail slip into a form of lost foggy depression with spurts of optimism feel bored, apathetic about your spiritual connection looking for something to spark or slap you upside the head with consciousness? (are these the longest questions ever?) ;) this recent ascent from the abyss has been slow and has a different taste i assume the aftertaste will linger in a way i've not yet experienced it's been so frustrating having no interest in introspection resisting observing my mind, actions, etc finally i feel like i'm coming back i'm coming forth to "flash" you all expose myself reconnect i'm not sure how many of us keep up on each other's blogs now a days but i'm hoping you all do :) so to those of you that catch this hi *warm loving embrace* i do miss you ;) i think of this community and the special life changing connections i've made here and i value you and our special connection... <<*love*>>

Happenings of 11 minutes 39 seconds

nonamae_agape — Tue, 10 Jul 2007 17:38:44 GMT

human grids intersect by "chance" i feel like a metaphor. did someone plan that? looking through glass windows... why are there so many candles left unlit? kids at play. i walk on clouds beneath my feet. shadows filter the sun, the breeze obliges and they dance playfully. slow down. feel as lilliputian alice. these 10 steps of a new world. square plot nature walk in the city.

barriers...

nonamae_agape — Tue, 30 Jan 2007 19:19:40 GMT

"in that moment when things are silent...and you are enjoying the simplicity of your senses, you may feel the urge to dismiss it or enjoy it for only a moment...not fully savoring the fullness of what's before you. don't leave. when you hit that barrier wait just a few moments longer...push through the uncomfortable feelings and the thoughts of reason that dismiss it as anything else. wait...and see how your world opens..." -Nonamae Agape- *giggles*

nature is a seductress...

nonamae_agape — Tue, 30 Jan 2007 18:02:13 GMT

i was out in the still darkness of the light rain and thunder watching the palms blow silently there's something about watching them and not hearing the rustle as i stood there letting the soft thunder roll through me and remind me i'm alive i wondered how long it had been since i connected and enjoyed these moments and i noticed the feeling to "get back to work" the thoughts like "you've enjoyed this enough" or "what are you still doing here?" and "you've seen this all before" i was about to turn and go back inside but that switch in my body was disturbed and my body decided to stay while my mind protested the way a child does when they can't have what they want that moment wasn't as powerful as my mind imagined it should be or had been but...i know that with time it grows after i knew i had gone beyond that barrier where i had become accustomed to the bad habit of turning away i felt satisfied enough to walk inside but the drops of rain dancing on leaves poked at me over and over i had to see it again my mind only half afraid now said "what if it's not that special" "you know you can't recreate a moment like that" "you have so much to catch up on" i smiled... and walked back outside...

Giving back to such an amazing community would give me such joy...

nonamae_agape — Sat, 27 Jan 2007 21:55:25 GMT

YAY! I’m finally in the process of opening my businesses! Wholistic Sentience and Wholistic Synergy...these sister companies will probably meld at some point in the future. These companies are a work in progress and are small now but I can see them expanding rather quickly. The goals of my companies are to move forward in spreading awareness in all things global and local that affect us, and all things that inspire us and propel us forward on our path. To raise consciousness about sustainability, human rights, animal rights, and spirituality. I want to bring the celebration of life into all aspects of each individual that I work with. I’ll be hosting retreats, hopefully inspiring adventure, and supporting people through their health and lifestyle goals. My goal is to facilitate people on their paths of healing in every aspect of what that means: spirituality, physically, emotionally, mentally, with all relationships, career...overall balance. If we can bring people to a place in their life where they are more fulfilled and aware we will see lasting changes. How can our world move towards real and lasting change if on the microcosm we don’t nurture these qualities. My view at this point is that even if we were to make positive changes on a global scale...how long would they last if we didn’t have more balance on an individual level? I’ll be posting more detailed information about the businesses as things develop. And I’ll be sending out a monthly newsletter which will include articles related to my business of course, but I also see it as an arena for connecting and building community and spreading consciousness. I have been so deeply touched and changed forever by all of the wonderful connections I’ve made here on tribe. I want to share events/workshops/articles/projects/music/performances/classes from this amazing community, and post them in my monthly newsletter. It would be my absolute pleasure to share these experiences with the people that I end up working with, and I mean this with all the warmth in my heart. This newsletter is part of my goal to reach more people, to expand awareness, and to build our global and local community. I have been touched by so many here: Hoopnotica, Katie Kay and mz. Dangerpantz, Michael Divine, Hoopalicious, Goddess Alchemy Project, Fire Groove, Lucent Dossier, FMG, Lightening In a Bottle, troops like Sirena Serpentina, the whole Burning Man community, Sobey and all tribal elven communities up north, more tribal family in the deserts of NM, Rafael, Rayann, and so many beautiful individuals that I couldn’t name them all here...I have been so inspired and felt so much love from afar. Now I wish to share your shining beauty with more people. As I sit reflecting on even the smallest conversations I’ve had here, and on the profiles alone that have inspired me to move forward and the support I’ve recieved to continue growing...I feel so much more than the word blessed could ever mean. Thank you all for being lights and I’m telling you now that even if you never felt you were a light or have no idea how you’ve touched me...that you are and you have indeed, no matter how small our connection. Please let me know if you have an event coming out you’d like to share, an article which you’d like to reach more eyes to raise awareness about anything, if you’d be interested in writing and occasional article specifically for the newsletter it is MOST welcomed, if you have classes coming up which you need to get the word out for, if your business is fairly new let me help you spread the news, you get the idea...I want to help build lasting transformative connections. The first few months of building the newsletter will be a bit small, but as it grows I hope that more and more of you allow me to include you in this project. Lets step forward together in connecting and reaching out to expand awareness. If you have any projects you’d like to team up on, ideas, or suggestions, or would like more details and have questions...please let me know. I’d really like to develop a network of amazing people to refer people to for different services, events...etcetera . I know we all don’t have time to read each other’s blogs, so I will be taking the time to contact a lot of you individually : ) I’m really excited about this new venture and I can’t wait to hear from you and get this moving. Thanks for taking the time to read such a loooong blog ; ) *radiating light* manifesting humanity’s inherent state of love

this moment

nonamae_agape — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 21:10:20 GMT

the moment often arises in the midst of the fog where you find you've been drawn to a glimmering shimmering golden light it beckons you closer, and though you can't feel it's warmth...you sense it the memory of what it feels like is what keeps you, warms you and embraces you as it draws you in the bassy beats the mellow tone the siren's deep song they were all agents of spirit i feel it...me... vibrating, numb-tingling running through my veins expansion from conscious thought i feel it like a butterfly fluttering just above my skin sensations of flight fill me sending chills through my body i won't label this feeling i've learned at least that much *may you all experience this at least once today*

Sometimes you have to step away for clarity

nonamae_agape — Mon, 16 Oct 2006 20:42:22 GMT

it's been way too long since i've been consistantly active on here or zaadz, with online communities period. but as some of you know i needed to take a much needed semi-sabatical…which i'm not fully out of. however, i'm seeing that my energy is being drawn out more lately…and i seem to be more ok with it. i was having trouble being able to find a balance between social life and the path to really making a difference, and i feel i'm gaining some ground with this. goals change, plans change, people change…and suprisingly i'm getting better at flowing with it all. so many things have happened in the past 9 months that when i look back i can hardly believe it. growth, no matter how painful, is a beautiful thing. (i just have to remember that in the midst of it eh?) ; ) so here i am. still learning, still growing, with a deeper acceptance of knowing it will always be so. i feel so much love as i type now, and a peaceful surreal feeling that feels like an old friend. striving to be more and more my authentic self and shed away these learned layers that keep me from it…while remembering that i too am human. we all work through these things, we are all beings of light, we all have so much to share with one another. i was just thinking of the other night. i was sitting relaxing and saw myself looking back at a person i knew 5 yrs ago, and she looked at me. for a moment we experienced each others present. i didn't just see, i felt how much i've gone through & grown, i smiled. she looked at this world and smiled. she is happy with her new life. and i thought…yes…my life…my new life…and we merged she and i. and i felt an overwhelming serene ordinariness, and a satisfaction i can't describe. that gives me (and i guess you now) an idea of where i'm at. things are going, they don't stop, and i wouldn't stop it if i could. it's all perfect as it is. and the times where i am blessed with these glimpses into this reality, to be in this space of consciousness where i am…makes it all worth the while. i see deeper now…and will constantly come to deeper and deeper understandings, with periods of inherent and needed blinding uncounsciousness and lessons. but we all return…and remember…and that's a beautiful thing. i feel blessed for all these things and so much more. this current that runs through us all is so incomprehensable so unfathomable. what if my soul is just our soul? i can't own this, so it must belong to us. reaching further into our interconectedness, may we all find the core lasting feeling of connectedness. *sending you all unfathomable love from the depths of the soul*

a time to rest and remember

nonamae_agape — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 02:52:18 GMT

gentle waves of sonic love surround and envelop you taking you ever deeper, the primordial mother takes you into the womb soft vibrations caress your soul as you drift in this weightless utopia your mind runs off to play while your body remembers the truth what is...is the most beautiful experience of your life the heartbeat of the universe draws your attention and you wonder why it has sounded so faint your body pulsates in unison with the rhythmn of all that exists the awareness that you are connected to everything returns it is time your body limp from spirit bathing you in love you are layed to rest ever so gently as the solidity of this existence creeps in the ordinary now seems enlivening in this moment... you just are

resurrect the love

nonamae_agape — Fri, 16 Jun 2006 06:47:25 GMT

"the minister of atmospheric delights takes command of the congregations with wave forms like sonic song beyond the confines of body and mind or patience, conscious sensation this moving meditation rhythms awaken your internal universe the high priest of priestesses of harmonic convergence enlighten the true believers with their sermon of sound" "audio alchemy, vibrational healing frequencies spiraling other dimensions entered by pure intention open yourself like a present to the present can you feeel me transcend the earthly plane to the eternal energy flow moving fast or slow as you glow and you grow in this celestial celebration, reverberation, sacred geometry the wave forms transform your soul make you whole let go of all you think you know and dive into the nothingness where all the matters IS where god and spirit lives as we dance on this heavenly body around the sun we melt into one"

untangle the brain twine

nonamae_agape — Mon, 22 May 2006 22:37:22 GMT

feet hit the pavement i'm already starting to remember why i like doing this so much untangling the brain twine endorphins push out the madness deep in thought a car passes close the smell of new car and responsibility mingles with sweat the thought comes how much more will i bleed? observation leads me to that feeling again that i don't fit into this world i'm supposed to be acclimated to that demon leers at me haven't shaken him yet and i wonder if it's not the other way around losing myself for a minute i wonder if I am not the one suffering now from the peter pan syndrome? and i continue to wonder what's right? semantics semantics let it go let it go my body feels lighter and the breeze pushes back a gift at an opportune time i accept it and immediately feel more free as i press on i realize i left some baggage behind and i begin to smile yes i'm solid in these directions feeling the excitement again i look down at my the contraption on my wrist and the gift in my hand and i don't fight back the laughter my stamina feels everlasting a rush of realizations carried on the wind the elements agree abundant omens omnipresence now is the moment another gift and i am convinced the saying comes to mind "get busy living, or get busy dying" which one will you do?

word wielding poetess

nonamae_agape — Thu, 18 May 2006 07:08:05 GMT

what can i say to such a godess of words how can i tell you what you've been told one thousand and 7 x's i want to hold you up on that pedestal i built and i am afraid to i know it's not right yet how else do i stop my catagorizing mind from labeling the one who... makes the words stir in my mind who evokes the passion who wills the goosebumps from my body no it was not you i.. i was open wide i let you in some felt as sin as you moved beyond skin moved through my body but i played it sly i was the host u didn't see me cry fierce you touched the invisible surging stimulated breathing laughing i let you in i let you in i let you in ~~~~~ check her out: http://www.staceyannchin.com/

this feeling...

nonamae_agape — Thu, 11 May 2006 04:24:25 GMT

my heart cries out finally i feel some release i am breaking free seeing a glimpse of what it means to be broken open staring with eyes of wonder losing all moments but now all feelings but this... impenetrable, gentle strength this... sense of wonder and awe which fills my body from the center out i feel i could touch darkness and give birth to light i remember this from innocence from presence so powerful is the all pervading feeling

quantum travel

nonamae_agape — Wed, 10 May 2006 18:35:10 GMT

wind blows in through an old screen a familiar smell i don't want to fight it nostalgia takes me over echoes of children's laughter flashes of a wonderous world in a backyard why can't the grown ups see it anymore? hide the ancient blue covered penny treasure almost taste the watermelon running down my cheeks another gust of wind i smell it again and i see windows pass in my mind as the city lights on a moving bus rememberance of the lazy days stillness, timelessness wash over me the wind has stopped i'm here again

blip blop a trip through the mind shop

nonamae_agape — Tue, 09 May 2006 05:40:19 GMT

i was searching for something answers? questions? i looked to the sky, not there mesmerized by the sea still looking outside myself i know it can't be fully realized out there kisses break free from the clouds and bless the surface of the ocean i breath in peace, but it's not there not tangible i was looking outside again the wind blows and i notice how the grains of sand shift a tiny world of mountains slowly erode the once seemingly motionless sand springs to life all around me and i am reminded of change fascinated by this newly discovered miniature world i remember simpler more presence filled times times when i had noticed times when i had time to notice for hours i still do though, that hasn't changed why did i buy into thoughts about it being too late, or being a child's world? off track, i check in, stretch my feet... happy kitten all the colors and wonders of the world before you and you search for whys IT IS again and again i remind myself what if...stop there listen, smell, feel, see...now do you taste life? the sea grows silent we all wait it's only a matter of time before a new cycle comes ...she agrees with me

a word about now and happiness...

nonamae_agape — Mon, 08 May 2006 18:22:24 GMT

for a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin-real life. but there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. at last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. this perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. happiness is the way. so treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. happiness is a journey, not a destination... -souza-

just then...but now...now...

nonamae_agape — Wed, 03 May 2006 04:40:26 GMT

only 3 things you can do about a life situation 1. leave the situation 2. change it 3. accept it and you must do one...now so i'm down to # 3 how do you drop all negativity associated with it in order to truely accept it ? you just do like you would a hot coal in your hand or heavy baggage you surrender to what is that's your true spritiual power wherever you are be there completely who was i a moment ago? a girl standing in the night air mail in hand breathing in, smelling the trees and the city watching the wind blow through the leaves one second animated the next second not breathing in breathing out everything is alive it's a big world more than i'll probably ever notice and in this moment... who am i? i'm a girl typing sharing a second of her life experience thinking someone will "get it" and it makes me smile i feel more peaceful i think of what else i can say i like that it's this simple... i'm going to answer my phone now...

inspired by zdawgs blog ; ) sings

nonamae_agape — Thu, 27 Apr 2006 03:50:39 GMT

eyy mama eeeyyy mama drums roar feet stomp taken over watch it now as the cuchero comes closer let her touch you let it go you can't stop the dance let it flowww palms waving cigars and rum listen listen to the drums

the windhorse

nonamae_agape — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 20:16:58 GMT

a dear friend wrote: ~~)*-_-*(~~~ nonamae agape she did say was determined to live in her truth come what may harnassing her windhorse she rode into the gates of Shambhala....... i decided to find more information, then i decided i should just post what i found since it fits so well with our most recent conversation... and so she begins to regain her posture in the saddle, rides on...taking in each breath of life as it caresses her spirit... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WINDHORSE: Tibetan: "LUNGTA" Lung: "wind" Ta: "horse". "Invoking Secret Drala is the experience of raising windhorse, ["Ta"]: raising a wind of delight and power and riding on, or conquering, that energy. ... The personal experience of this wind comes as a feeling of being completely and powerfully in the present. The horse aspect is that, in spite of the power of this great wind, you also feel stability. you are never swayed by the confusion of life...excitement or depression. You can ride on the energy of your life. So windhorse includes...practicality and discrimination, a natural sense of skill. This quality is like the four legs of a horse, which make it stable and balanced... you are not riding an ordinary horse, you are riding windhorse." (pg 114) "Self existing energy." "The 'wind' principle of basic goodness is strong and exuberant and brilliant. It can actually radiate tremendous power in you life. But at the same time, basic goodness can be ridden, which is the principle of the 'horse'. By following the disciplines of warriorship, particularly the discipline of letting go, you can harness the wind of goodness. In some sense the horse is never tamed - basic goodness never becomes your personal possession. But, you can invoke and promote the uplifted energy of basic goodness in you life. You begin to see how you can create basic goodness for yourself and others on the spot, fully and ideally, not only on a philosophical level, but on a concrete physical level. When you contact the energy of windhorse, you can naturally let go of worrying about your own state of mind and you can begin to think of others. Windhorse Windhorse "Lungta" ...Experiencing the upliftedness of the world is a joyous situation, bit also brings sadness ...It is like falling in love...you feel both joy and sorrow...The warrior who experiences windhorse feels the joy and sorrow of love in everything he does." (pg 84-85) "From the echo of meditative awareness you develop a sense of balance, which is a step toward taking command of your world. you feel that you are riding in the saddle, riding the fickle horse of mind. Even though the horse underneath you may move, you can still maintain your seat. As long as you have good posture in the saddle, you can overcome any startling or unexpected moves. And wherever you slip because you have a bad seat, you simply regain your posture; you don't fall off the horse. In the process of losing your awareness, you regain it because of the process of losing it. slipping in itself, corrects itself. You begin to feel highly skilled, highly trained." (pg 109-110). "The principle of meditative awareness...gives you a good seat on this earth..." "You are completely grounded in reality. One may say, 'How do I know that you are not over reacting to situations?' You can say, simply, 'My posture in the saddle speaks for itself.' At this point you begin to begin to experience the fundamental notion of fearlessness." (See also "Bowing")

beautiful tears...

nonamae_agape — Mon, 17 Apr 2006 04:57:24 GMT

and the most perfect movie for my life right now isn't it funny how well some shoes seem to fit? how they make you think? how deeply they dig, and how you feel? surging feelings where will they lead? who cares what they mean all i know is it feels good and it seems silly that a movie should remind me... but here i am remembering that there is more and that i can feel that potent feeling again ... i am smiling and i don't even have to try...

a return the the appreciation of simple things

nonamae_agape — Wed, 12 Apr 2006 18:23:22 GMT

i was finally able to appreciate the moon the way i do in my own sacred solice without any interference i have seen the moon many times in the past month and a half and still it always reminded me of you i wondered when the night would come where that no longer happened i must admit i thought it would be far longer than now and who knows how long it will be before i can return to it once more the way i did this morning it was more than peacefulness that washed over me i was finally able to honor, appreciate, feel the moon in simple silence without the pressure of needing to appreciate it as much as you without enduring the heavy and serious vibrations of the person next to me for a many a night now, i thought my way was less, this was my own fault of course, that i didn't love it as much as you, or that it wasn't as sacred as i thought it was to me because of your overwhelming feelings for her the beautiful way you are in touch with the moon, the way you wish to honor her, how excited you are when you see her...it's beautiful but i allowed that to steer me, to tell me that i wasn't doing enough, not connected enough, and i aspired to be where you were forgetting that i have my own beautiful way of connecting with her, forgetting that it's not about me doing it the way you or anyone else does, forgetting...myself yet here i was feeling as though i'd slipped into some familiar comforting blanket and a sense of some deeper appreciation came through i feel more of a sense of presence in the world being connected and being my own being the moon *deep breath* yes the moon i look forward to appreciating more from my heart i look forward to having more moments of realization i look forward to finally being able to appreciate the things we appreciated together happily alone again, to the day i no longer feel influenced by you or are reminded or need you to be there to fully feel i look forward to appreciating the simple things again open

i read about lak'ech today...

nonamae_agape — Fri, 07 Apr 2006 00:00:18 GMT

i sat for a minute to really breath it in... the meaning to feel it and send it i've read much about similar concepts for some reason reading this today brings it to a deeper level as i sat there reading i felt a change i felt a stirring "movement in solice" now as i'm typing i think i don't really know why i'm writing about this in this moment all i want to do is share i am at a loss for words and perhaps this is something not to be translated and so i go to share what cannot be said with all that there is seen and unseen lak'ech thank you for sharing zdawg

i don't know

nonamae_agape — Tue, 04 Apr 2006 09:58:10 GMT

i realized today that i just don't know after an intense experience crying, wailing, screaming, mumbling that i don't know everything i knew i have to forget must rebuild start anew humbling experience fleeting authenticity how to stay that way i don't know what do i believe in? who do i believe in? who am i? what do i want? why does this mundane life tear apart my heart? i am not them i am not the norm i don't want your picked fence i don't want your mundane life i am scared i am angry i am lost i don't know i see these concepts i have fleeting logical understandings why doesn't it stay with me? why am i not healthy? why doesn't it come from my deepest part of my heart? am i a phoney? am i faking it? when will it be so much a part of me that i don't need to try? i am confused i am lost i don't know presence, self love authenticity, impeccability courage, selflessness do i know what these things truely mean? when, why, how? i believe i have to completely unlearn everything i suppose it's a good place to be to not know how else can you rebuild if you can't let go of all you know if you can't just not know well i don't i don't know what's up or down who i am who you are what to do where to go how else can i say i just don't know i only know that no matter what i am alone a thousand huggs and loves and all i am is me i don't know who that is but i don't have anything else i can't count on anything but me the world could melt away and i only have me so where do i go from here? what comes next? how do i start? here i am i need the guidence only spirit can give and so i wait i listen i try i am i think