Yes, but

It's Hitting Me Now

Ocean_Earth — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 01:10:11 GMT

[I haven't written anything essay-like since last year. Just posted this on dailykos yesterdayhttp://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2009/7/14/753426/-Its-Hitting-Me-Now] Like any good Kossack, I've been following the push for health care since I first came here in '05. I read all the health care nightmare stories, which sadly started to sound similar after a while. Someone gets sick, needs care, and can't get it for one reason or another, ensuing in a lot of hair pulling by me. Some of them move their lives forward as best they can, inspiring us with their courage and urging us to fight. Some of them don't make it. Perhaps this is neither a story of courage nor defeat, but it's only hitting me now what good health care in this country might have done for my mother. My mother died in 1997 at the age of 57. My family would feel ashamed if they knew what I was saying here, but she was kinda nutty. She had been divorced for several years, yet was working for her ex-husband's company. They'd had the classic alcoholic husband/co-dependent wife relationship during their 25 year marriage. He was not my father. My grandmother and her husband adopted me when I was an infant; they were my Mom and Dad. Our relationship was at the same time intense and distant. The year she died I had only spoken to her a couple of times. I hadn't seen her since the year before. One time, a few months before she died, she said she was sick with bronchitis, and then broke down crying that she would come to see us, she promised! I attributed her hysteria to her nature, which had always been dramatic, not to her illness. We found out a week before she died. She was in the hospital and the doctor on the phone said, "She has a tumor in her tummy," as if I were a child. We flew down to San Diego from San Francisco and found out she really had stomach cancer and she would die within a few days. I will never forget that moment. I was 34 years old and looked up at my grandmother, who was in her late 70s and realized I would be completely alone in the world very soon. We brought hospice in immediately and took her to her home where she died a few days later. I spent 4 months after that living in her home, processing our difficult relationship but also trying to find out what the hell happened. Her ex-husband had said that she would have had insurance, but she never filled out the forms. I would have pursued that further but to what end? Knowing my mother's martyr tendencies, I thought it was plausible. I looked through her papers and discovered that she had paid cash to see doctors and the ER a few times, and had had chest x-rays which I'm sure, given her story of "bronchitis" months earlier would have shown metastases. Why didn't she have further tests and treatment? Probably because she didn't have insurance. Today, after reading nyceve's diary, it finally hit me. I always thought that I didn't have a health care story. My mother was not a strong advocate for herself. I cannot say 100% that my mother would have gotten treatment earlier if she'd had health insurance. Stomach cancer is hard to treat even with early detection. But even though my mother was a bit emotionally unbalanced, what would have happened if she'd had insurance no matter what? It's possible she wouldn't have accepted treatment anyway, but perhaps she would have felt cared for, "held" in a way that she didn't back then. Perhaps health care workers (I'm not blaming them here) would have been slightly more encouraging-- I imagine someone gently leading her by the elbow to be admitted when she was in the ER, instead of what really happened--her leaving with a prescription for an inhaler. Perhaps she would have felt comfortable telling us she was gravely ill and not worry that her treatment would bankrupt her whole family. Perhaps, perhaps, she'd be alive today.

Relive the Joy

Ocean_Earth — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 04:06:55 GMT

With some U2 at the end, too! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qiRwCuQmZA

I'm in the Chronicle

Ocean_Earth — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 05:29:51 GMT

OK, well barely. With a beer bottle in front of my face. And my friend Venus looking away beside me. "He said Asians!" she said to me during Obama's speech.

Me an' the Junk

Ocean_Earth — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 03:33:48 GMT

There's a replica of a Chinese Junk in SF right now at the Hyde St. Pier. I went to see it on the supposedly last day, Friday. They were eating lunch, so I asked if I could just take pictures and they agreed. As they were finishing up lunch I spoke with the skipper, Nelson, whose project this is. It took him 6 years of research and work to get the boat built. It has no nails and no synthetic glue. I heard my teacher's voice saying, "Make a donation or offering." I asked, and they accepted. Then they invited me to have some of their lunch! People were taking pictures like I was part of the crew. I spoke to Nelson about how important his work is, how disconnected we are here in America and it seemed to really resonate with him. They're sailing next to Hawaii and then back to Taiwan. (It took them 69 days to cross the Pacific.) They don't actually have a place to dock in Hawaii yet, so I called my teacher on Maui immediately and she was so excited. She happens to be married to one of the premier Hawaiian woodworkers, and he's just started teaching how to build canoes again. I'm hoping we can arrange for them to dock at Maui and we can do a traditional welcoming ceremony for them. They aren't leaving til Thursday or Friday due to the weather and they're still provisioning. Today I brought them some oranges. They're a traditional offering, but I also thought, "Scurvy!"

Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator

Ocean_Earth — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 06:18:10 GMT

What would you be named if Sarah was your mom--her other kids are named Trig, Track, Willow, Bristol, and Piper. http://politsk.blogspot.com/2008/09/sarah_13.html I'd be Roller Texas Palin.

Gook: McCain's Racism

Ocean_Earth — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 04:49:18 GMT

Just finished my new video: http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=vOHBC10fBto I met up with Irwin Tang, author of Gook: John McCain's Racism and Why It Matters, at the Netroots Nation conference and found myself volunteering to work together when he spoke about his research into McCain's use of the word Gook and then going deeper into his racist background. And believe me, John McCain is white supremacist racist. Irwin says that people of color never fail to have a visceral reaction when they find out about this and this was true of me. I know it may not convince anyone not to vote for McCain, but I think it may be a strong motivator to people who were thinking of not voting at all to vote against McCain. I'm dedicating my time through the election to making more videos like this. Thanks for looking and pass it around, especially to people of color! Heidi

The Olympics: China Will Be Teased

Ocean_Earth — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 15:47:04 GMT

The Olympics start in week, and I keep thinking about the ways in which China will succeed and fail. The International press will not be respectful, in fact they already aren't. I think China will fail in ways for which they haven't the faintest inkling and won't understand, even in hindsight. The Chinese leadership will be both arrogant and ignorant. They will also succeed spectacularly in their earnestness and helpfulness and through the force of sheer numbers of proud, willing people. I hope the press gets that. When I visited, it often went like this. I'd ask for something at the front desk of a hotel. They wouldn't respond. No "I'll be right back" or "Of course I can help you with that." They would disappear. Just when the discomfort got to be so great I'd want to start pounding the desk, they'd come back and the issue would have been taken care of in a way more gracious and deep than I ever imagined. I'm a total Olympics fan, and wouldn't you know it my TV has gone on the blink! I think it's time to upgrade.

I Know She's a Walking Train Wreck

Ocean_Earth — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 20:39:13 GMT

But I love this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4L9-AvjsB6g

Magic Man

Ocean_Earth — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 05:06:19 GMT

Magic Man by Heart. How did they know, so long ago? The spell has been broken, though. Cold late night so long ago When I was not so strong you know A pretty man came to me Never seen eyes so blue You know I could not run away It seemed we'd seen each other in a dream It seemed like he knew me He looked right through me, yeah "Come on home, girl" he said with a smile "You don't have to love me and Let's get high awhile But try to understand Try to understand Try try try to understand I'm a magic man." Winter nights we sang in tune Played inside the months of moon Never think of never Let this spell last forever Summer lover passed to fall Tried to realize it all Mama says she's worried Growing up in a hurry, yeah "Come on home, girl" mama cried on the phone "Too soon to lose my baby and my girl should be at home!" "But try to understand, try to understand Try try try to understand He's a magic man, mama, ah ... He's a magic man" "Come on home, girl" he said with a smile "I cast my spell of love on you, a woman from a child! But try to understand, try to understand, oh ... oh ... Try to understand Try try try to understand He's a magic man!" oh yeah Oh, you've got the magic hands "Come on home, girl" he said with a smile "You don't have to love me and Let's get high awhile But try to understand Try to understand Try try try to understand He's a magic man." yeah ... oh ...

I Need to Move!

Ocean_Earth — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 19:23:37 GMT

I realized yesterday that I need to move. One, I learned yesterday at my feng shui class that my house is in the wrong direction for me. And I don't think I can fix it. My door needs to face north, which is actually kind of unusual in the East Bay where most streets run north and south and the houses then face east or west (like mine). Two, I'm left with a bad taste in my mouth, or just feeling unsafe due to an incident between my now ex-boyfriend and a neighbor. She's 4 blocks away, but still. Three, there's construction going on right behind my house that's driving me crazy. It's a 3 townhome project being built from the ground up so there will be several months of varying noise levels. Even if it's only temporarily renting a studio someplace that has a north-facing entry, I need to move.

The Art of Racing in the Rain

Ocean_Earth — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 19:21:09 GMT

I really enjoy first-dog narratives, one of my favorite books ever being A Dog's Life by Peter Mayle (A Year in Provence, etc.), and this book's dog is named Enzo. His master is a formula one auto racer; the racing serves as a metaphor for how to make it through life's ordeals as seen through Enzo's eyes. It's deeper than you would think. My favorite scene is Enzo's imaginary testimony in court. I cried a lot, laughed a lot--you know. And, although I don't like auto racing, I have a new-found respect for it. Read this book!

Stayin' Alive, Barely

Ocean_Earth — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 20:28:36 GMT

Yesterday I dyed my hair--I never do it as well as Spark-a-licious (tribe friend), which is why she's so well-regarded. Rode my motorcycle late in the evening, and only stalled once. I'm getting better, slowly. I wish it didn't take so long to put on all the gear. She's an '04 Suzuki "Savage"--always said in a coarse whisper! Don't have a name for her yet, and no pics of me on her, either. I have to put gas in her for the first time today. Before that I did some IKEA therapy, putting together an outdoor table for my yard. Unfortunately, They've decided to start construction right behind my house for probably the next year, and tore down the old decrepit fence and put cyclone fencing in place. The foreman said he'd put black cloth over it, but he hasn't yet. I wonder if I should just go out and use my hot tub mid-day and see if it hurries them up a bit? The table didn't take long enough, but I probably would have started hitting things in frustration if it had. I'm so tired, emotionally. Like most of my life has been hard and lonely and disappointing and why should I keep going? I want to die and sometimes the urge is quite strong. And then sometimes I feel a tinge of excitement about what's next. The I Ching keeps reminding me to be strong and still, which is in keeping with this mercury retrograde period.

Inner Truth & My Fav I Ching Books

Ocean_Earth — Mon, 26 May 2008 19:37:38 GMT

My I Ching reading for today is 61: Inner Truth Modest Acceptance of a heavy fate. Composure that is not unhinged by danger, success or failure. Inner confidence. The courage to act when others cannot. Demonstrate your qi through adaptation and then return to the quiet within. Changing line 1: Keep still. Actions, though small, are still in error. Be like a distant relative at a funeral. Stay alone and quiet and think about what you want to do. That will open the Way. If you are always worrying about your Friend, you will have no peace. Don't take on their problems now. The I Chings connects me directly to the original female shamans of my ancestors. It's like having a wise elder with me. The question is always, "Will I listen?" One of my favorite books is by my taoist teacher: http://www.amazon.com/CHANGING-Zhouyi-Yijing-Liu-Ming/dp/0976751208/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1211830192&sr=1-1 I also love two books by Stephen Karcher. One, Total I Ching http://www.amazon.com/Total-I-Ching-Myths-Change/dp/0751537179/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1211830310&sr=1-1. and Symbols of Love http://www.amazon.com/Symbols-Love-Lovers-Friends-Relationships/dp/0751536679/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1211830408&sr=1-1 which is directed towards relationships.

Watch this, then go shopping!

Ocean_Earth — Fri, 09 May 2008 03:40:02 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lgq5suMXCV8 Then go shopping at this website and try to spend 3 trillion dollars! http://www.3trillion.org It's exhilarating and sad at the same time. For instance, I bought a complete switch to solar energy for $420,000,000,000.

Anyone Remember This Tornado Rescue?

Ocean_Earth — Fri, 02 May 2008 21:54:39 GMT

With the latest tornado news today, it's made me remember the footage of an officer rescuing a baby girl. He finds her all wet and covered with dirt and debris. He sits her on the hood of a car and paces around. He's overwhelmed by the devastation too, and looks like he doesn't know what to do. The little girl is bawling non-stop. Finally it's like he wakes up and realizes the girl needs to be held and he picks her up. It was at least several years ago, definately pre-youtube. I can't find it anywhere by googling. Anyone remember where or when this happened? TIA.

GoGirl!

Ocean_Earth — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 01:43:49 GMT

I have a visceral reaction when I look at this photo. I love it. The tigress is reawakening. This is the year to tell my stories of her, how she came to me, what she has done for me. The caption is: A pregnant tigress was rescued by forest workers Sunday after being stoned by Indian villagers. Upon her release Tuesday, the tigress jumped into the Sundarikati River.

Australia Apologizes to Aborigines!

Ocean_Earth — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 01:51:20 GMT

A great first step! CNN story: http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/02/12/australia.aborgines/index.html And the text of the apology: Prime Minister Kevin Rudd introduced a motion in the Australian national parliament Tuesday, apologizing for past mistreatment of the country's Aboriginal population. Here is the full text of that apology: Mr Rudd I give notice that, at the next sitting, I will move: Today we honour the Indigenous peoples of this land, the oldest continuing cultures in human history. We reflect on their past mistreatment. We reflect in particular on the mistreatment of those who were Stolen Generations -- this blemished chapter in our nation's history. The time has now come for the nation to turn a new page in Australia's history by righting the wrongs of the past and so moving forward with confidence to the future. We apologise for the laws and policies of successive Parliaments and governments that have inflicted profound grief, suffering and loss on these our fellow Australians. We apologise especially for the removal of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander children from their families, their communities and their country. For the pain, suffering and hurt of these Stolen Generations, their descendants and for their families left behind, we say sorry. To the mothers and the fathers, the brothers and the sisters, for the breaking up of families and communities, we say sorry. And for the indignity and degradation thus inflicted on a proud people and a proud culture, we say sorry. We the Parliament of Australia respectfully request that this apology be received in the spirit in which it is offered as part of the healing of the nation. For the future we take heart; resolving that this new page in the history of our great continent can now be written. We today take this first step by acknowledging the past and laying claim to a future that embraces all Australians. A future where this Parliament resolves that the injustices of the past must never, never happen again. A future where we harness the determination of all Australians, Indigenous and non-Indigenous, to close the gap that lies between us in life expectancy, educational achievement and economic opportunity. A future where we embrace the possibility of new solutions to enduring problems where old approaches have failed. A future based on mutual respect, mutual resolve and mutual responsibility. A future where all Australians, whatever their origins, are truly equal partners, with equal opportunities and with an equal stake in shaping the next chapter in the history of this great country, Australia.

It's Kalsang's Fault (Thanks! :)

Ocean_Earth — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 05:47:13 GMT

Four jobs I have had in my life: 1. Driver for the League of Conservation Voters—I’d drive around picking up pledged checks. 2. Shopgirl at Loehmann’s. 3. Customer Service at Pacific Bell. “Thank you for calling Pacific Bell. My name is … how may I provide you with excellent service today?” 4. Camera sales at The Good Guys. Movies I've watched more than once: 1. Amelie 2. North by Northwest 3. Baraka 4. Almost Famous Four places I have lived: 1. Two doors up from the intersection of Haight and Ashbury (in the 80’s—does that count?). 2. Daly City, near the cemeteries. 3. The peninsula—get me outta here! 4. Anaheim—behind the orange curtain. Four T.V. Shows that I watched: 1. St. Elsewhere 2. Nova 3. Captain Kangaroo 4. I Love Lucy Four Places I have been: 1. Xi’An, China 2. Venice 3. Yellowknife, Canada 4. South Dakota Four people who e-mail me: 1. Howard Dean 2. Alt.com 3. Ex-boyfriend 4. Harrison Owen Four people I wish would email me: 1. Barbra Streisand 2. My mother, from the beyond. 3. A non-fake Dom. 4. My bio-dad Four of my favorite foods: 1. Teriyaki chicken. 2. This trifle thing I made this Christmas—chocolate mousse, chocolate cake, whipped cream, toffee bits, but I made it healthy. 3. Pupusas. 4. Gumbo. Four places I would rather be right now: 1. Right here, right now. 2. Belize with a lover, and lots of snorkeling. 3. Camping but in the spring or fall. 4. In a dream group slumber party with people I love. Four things I am looking forward to in the next year: 1. Learning Dreamweaver. 2. Completing a sprint triathlon. 3. Traveling for pleasure. 4. Sharing about the White Tigress. Four people who I think should take this survey: 1. Gennie 2. Astrid 3. Erin 4. Eric

The End of America--Must Watch

Ocean_Earth — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 07:35:32 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RjALf12PAWc This is essential if we want to survive. I always have to say this whenever Naomi Wolfe is mentioned: Went to high school with her, but didn't know her, class of 800 students. It's long yet concise; harrowing but worth it.

Sad

Ocean_Earth — Sun, 11 Nov 2007 08:04:15 GMT

I can't believe that all the places along the water--everywhere I like to go in the Bay Area, everywhere I went growing up, places I parked and made out at, are closed right now. Even worse is thinking about the poor animals, even the creepy crawlies being affected by this. It breaks my heart. I almost can't stand thinking about it all.

The Big Event

Ocean_Earth — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 23:49:05 GMT

I know I've posted this as an event, this is just another invitation to please come to our presentation tomorrow night, 11/2 at the Center for urban peace. Dr. Colorado is my elder, spiritual teacher and mentor. She has given me the biggest gift of my life: a connection to my ancestors. If you've been studying your own genealogy and want to connect with the deeper spiritual roots of your ancestry, then this is the presentation to come to! Her public appearances are quite rare. Center for Urban Peace 2584 Martin Luther King Jr. Way Berkeley, CA 7PM to 9PM $15-25, no one turned away.

I Did It! My First Triathon!

Ocean_Earth — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 07:00:12 GMT

I did it! I swam in a triathlon on Saturday! And I didn’t come in last!. My teammates were Teresa on the bike and Anna running. Our team name: Faeries in Training. Linda came out with us, took photographs and cheered us on—thanks Linda! It was very cold outside, and almost dark, maybe 48 degrees when we got there at 6:45AM and the water looked quite intimidating. Despite the frigidity and the lack of sleep, I was very happy the entire time. I can’t even quite say why it was so much fun, it just was. We were in the last wave, the one with all the over 45 people, those under 18, those “Athenas” over 150 pounds, and the relay teams (us). I stayed a little towards the back going into the lake. After about 50 yards there was a traffic jam and I couldn’t believe people were actually stopping. This is a race! You don’t stop during a race, is what I thought. That’s when I realized a few things. One, since I had no idea I would need to pass anyone since I just assumed I’d be the slowest swimmer, I never read about or asked anyone about having a race strategy or how to get around someone. Second, I knew then that I wasn’t going to come in last! In fact, I was nowhere near last. I was hitting people and they were hitting me the entire time. About half way through, I started to feel lightheaded and slightly queasy, which later Teresa and Anna both told me was due to adrenaline. I really had to push myself to keep going. Thinking about dolphins, one of my totem animals, and also my ancestors to whom I’d dedicated this race spurred me onward. I came in around the middle of the pack and passed my timing chip to Teresa. Actually, she had to rip it off my ankle after I yelled, “Get this thing off me!” because my wet fingers couldn’t grasp the velcro. Teresa biked, and Anna ran, seemingly with ease, jocks that they are. Not that I don’t appreciate their effort and generosity in doing this with me! They were awesome teammates—positive and really funny the entire time. Thanks to Teresa, Anna, Linda, and Lucky, the white buffalo we picked up in South Dakota last year when my film was in the film festival. And to all my friends here on Tribe and in RL who always encouraged me!!! See my photo album for more pics. Next year I’m doing the whole triathlon. Gotta get to work!

Triathlon Tomorrow!

Ocean_Earth — Sat, 29 Sep 2007 03:45:21 GMT

I'm swimming in the triathlon tomorrow! I'm dedicating this race to all my female ancestors who had bound feet and couldn't move their bodies the way they wanted to and couldn't speak out or be themselves. Our team is called Faeries in Training. Thanks to Teresa and Anna! I couldn't do this without their commitment. I'm so excited, and I'm quite ready. I worked out quite hard last week and took it just slightly easy this week. Most people "taper" right before a race, but after all the swim is 400 meters and I regularly do 1000 in a workout. I'll post pictures if/when I get them!

Me in a Triathlon?

Ocean_Earth — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 02:46:59 GMT

Why yes! I will be swimming on a relay team in my very first triathlon at the end of this month. This has been a long journey. I've had joint pain in my body for decades. Then last year I read a book called Slow Fat Triathlete that talked about something called Sprint Triathlons. Wow, I was excited and it was all I needed to get me motivated to start exercising. For some reason, ever since I'd first heard about triathlons I'd been intrigued, but knew that I'd never be able to do one. But, Sprints are a lot shorter, in fact, I could do the swimming distances already. After starting to exercise again I asked my doctor to prescribe physical therapy. The approach of exercising and then limping into the PT's (she's awesome, ask if you need her) office, pointing at something and saying, "This hurts," and then receiving advice and treatment was just what I needed to keep going. So, this will be my first and hopefully not my last. We're at the end of the season and I'm glad I get to do something this year. Our team is called Faeries in Training. Next year my goals are to do a 5k run (most likely mostly walking for me) and some short bike races, and then a Sprint Tri all on my own! All cheering is welcome. (A very inspiring younger fat girl's blog: http://fatgirlonabike.wordpress.com/)

Reason I Love Cell Phones

Ocean_Earth — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 19:56:03 GMT

I can talk to myself in my car without people thinking I'm crazy. I rehearse entire conversations sometimes.