Sometimes I feel so happy. Like just now, I feel a great bubble of joy inside me. It’s funny how we are so keen to delve into feelings of sadness, anger, frustration to find their cause, their source, yet we do not for feelings of happiness or bliss. Are we afraid that by looking behind the curtain we will destroy them? or do we know that all feelings are fleeting but in examining those that pain us we can hold on to the pain for that little bit longer. Feelings feed, no matter their flavour. But all that aside I feel happy. I’m smiling that everything is good smile, that I’m the cat that got the canary smile, and the cream and that sausage you were saving for later smile. Where does it come from? Physically I feel warmth in my chest, my throat. I feel activity in my brow, a warm, tired, satisfied feeling. I’m smiling, not grinning just smiling, if I force my mouth down I feel slightly colder. I feel love and I feel a little excited. Not really that something is going to happen but everything is happening. My room is a mess, my laundry is half done in a bucket in the bathroom, I’m totally ill prepared for school tomorrow, I have no money. But I’m happy. I have friends whom I love, I have friends who love me. I live in a beautiful place. I have access to the world and I’m open to new experiences, new adventures. I have found a path and I’m happy to see it. Is this hope? Is this what I lacked so sorely only two days ago? I feel buoyant. The last full day I spent with tosh and robin happened to be the fourth of july. We spent it with friends by the Snake river in Humbolt county in Northern California. It was a beautiful day spent swimming and talking and eating. The river was full and made her way between giant boulders but easily, lazily. The sky was that perfect Californian blue and the cliffs across the river were dark grey. I spent much of the afternoon swimming as far upstream as I could then flipping over to float naked downstream. With my ears underwater and the sun on my breasts and feet I was suspended between elements given over totally to where nature would take me. I gave myself up to a greater power than myself that day, praying for grace and appreciating all that I was and had and relinquishing it all for the greater beauty, for love. I felt one with the sun and the water and the endless cycles of day and night and water circling the air and earth. Water which had been from the beginning of time and will outlast us all, which was in my body, in the current, in the wine I drank and in the juice of the fruit I ate. I felt held and supported and cherished in that afternoon. And my life since then has been in that great current of grace. Sometimes I hit a boulder, sometimes I wash up on shore, but I’m in the current and she’s taking me still. And when I feel this bubble of joy I feel connected to that day to my journey and to the love I know carries me. Perhaps it is me that carries me. Perhaps it is that higher immortal part of me that bathes this ego in love, perhaps this is a moment of self love, of acceptance, uniqueness, blessing and grace. I love and I love and I love. I am love.