I woke up Sunday to the sound of people milling around outside my house. I couldn’t really make rhyme or reason as to why they were there for a second, then it dawned on me…it was Easter Sunday.

The faithful deviants to everything religiously dogmatic, the spiritually and culturally void, the socially myopic, were all getting out of their obnoxious cars. Wearing their Sunday’s best staging their compliments to each other for the moment, ignoring the proverbial elephant that looms largely in their pathetic, sugar coated lives, on their way to Easter service. How fucking charming.

I hate living so close to the biggest church in the area.

It was too early for human interaction, and I seriously thought about asking them to keep it down, but I was in only my underwear, morning missile and hair that was defying all laws of gravity…maybe even more of a reason to tell them to shut the fuck up.

Peeking through the blinds to this Sunday morning charade was too much for me to stomach this early in the day. The sun that was beaming through the trees and between the dusty blinds was making me squint. I released the lower slat of the blinds that I was peeping through, it slapped back into place throwing dust into my already red and swollen eyes. It made me cough. Maybe I was coughing because I smoke too much.

I made my way into the kitchen where I put a cup of yesterday’s coffee into the microwave. Three minutes. Light cigarette. Skim the curdling creamer from the top. Sip. Swallow. The world now makes sense.

I figured since my friends would be coming over later, I should at least have some food for them when they get here. I pulled a beanie over my hair. I slid my sunglasses over my face. I looked in the mirror. I think I’ll be okay out there.

The walk to the tamale cart up the street takes but a few minutes. What I love most about the walk are the differing senses that are stimulated in such a short amount of time. The orange blossoms that pave my driveway. The trees that line my street. The litter that covers the sidewalk. The crime that wafts through the air. The murder that occurs within earshot. Fuck…Pasadena…the city that’s far away enough to be remote, but close enough to be convenient.

As I approached the market that housed the tamale stand, I heard music reverberating from an overpopulated parking lot. People with empty looks on their faces, were gathered around a brightly colored radio station van. I saw balloons and kids who were happy to be alive.

And then I saw him…

That mother fucking Easter bastard bunny. Acting all silly and shit. I don’t know where the reaction came from, but the only thing I needed to know was that I was boiling from the inside out. With my pace now in double time, I shoved some fat old lady down onto the floor as I worked my way over to his big stupid ass. My fists clenched up and my heart was racing.

Without even skipping a step I took one good cheap shot to his goofy jaw. I laid into him with everything I had. He stumbled and grabbed onto a few parents as he was going down.

The crowd didn’t know what to do. Do they defend the Easter bunny and all things holy? Do they run and call the cops? I didn’t care what they did. All I saw was red.

I started stomping his head. I could feel his skull caving in with every heel to rabbit cranium blow I delivered. I didn’t want him to die yet. I wanted him to know who did this to him. I turned and ripped the bumper off of a parked, beat up Volkswagen, and beat him with it, until his eyes were swollen shut and he was bleeding from his big dumb ears. As he laid in the fetal position on the floor, covered in his own blood, I crushed what was left of his stupid fucking eggs and went through his pockets.

There were directions to a poker party, $6.57 in change, half a joint, a pint of carrot juice and Jack and an ID card from a local check cashing place. Fuckin' rabbit. I stood up and put my foot on his chest, put the weed in my pocket and downed his fucking carrot juice. As I wiped my mouth, I heard him moan. I threw the empty bottle at him and kicked him right in his big stupid fucking teeth. "On your back...you fucking Easter Bunny...!"

I decided I didn’t need food for anyone anymore. Now I was tired from beating the Easter Bastards ass and my shoes were caked in blood. I found my way back home where I hosed my shoes off, laid out on the couch and fell asleep for the remainder of the afternoon.

Just wait until Santa comes around…