I was born in France. My mother was born in Egypt and was Jewish-Italian and Egyptian on her father’s side and Corsican Catholic on her mother’s... I'll give you a second to sort that one out... there... and my father was a Gitan from Southern France whom I've never met (mom had an affair... gasp!).

I do relate to these cultures a lot and to being European in general in spite of having lived most of my adult life in Canada. Especially anchored in my soul are certain landscapes of the South of France, backdrop of the happiest days of my childhood: Lavender fields and dance of the fireflies; cliff-bordered bays where we used to swim when visiting my family in Cassis; the scent of rosemary, thyme and marjoram and the parasol pine silhouettes of the Provence sunsets. You can take a gal out of Europe but you can't take Europe out of the gal! This also means that there are certain aspects of Anglo-Canadian culture I will never understand (such as your dating protocol; what a weird beast THAT is!).

I became a successful runaway at fifteen and never looked back. By successful I mean: a) I never had to go back home; b) I did not turn into a crack-whore at any point of the journey; and c) I never sold out on my ideals! I had made a few previous doomed attempts at escaping the family hell starting at the tender age of four, so you could have knocked me over with a feather when I turned eighteen and realized I had 'made it'! It was a bit of a trek as I hitchhiked my way across France and ended up on a farm outside of Toulouse and then found myself unexpectedly back in Paris (long story!) I then made my way back to Montreal on the skin of my teeth and ended up mainly living out of my suitcase for a few years until I got pregnant and was ready to give birth! You need a home if you want to have a home birth!

So my son was born (the wonderful and talented dj Deliverance!) when I was nineteen and I then spent all of my time with him (how fun that was... everything was alright with the world when he was in my arms). I had a very 'primitive' way of mothering: I not only had a home birth, but I breastfed on demand and carried him around like a little monkey. I hardly put him down for eight months! I am a pretty tribal person thanks to the ancient DNA that is alive and kicking in the core of my cellular self.

(One word about his father, I adored him but he was unable to be in our lives for reasons beyond his control but all is well now and my dream of seeing father and son have a relationship finally came through when Jeremie was in his teens.)

When I got pregnant I made the conscious decision that if I was going to screw up raising my boy, it would be on the side of kindness as I felt it would be less damaging than the alternative. It was so very cool to be 'the parent' and be able to say: “Sure Hon’ you can ride your tricycle IN the house,” and “sure, you can build a fort in the living room and live in it for three days, can I too?”

The combined experience of building my sense of self as 'the kid' who hung out with much older people and being a real kid again (or maybe for the first time even) by hanging out with my son has stuck with me and I remain a kid to this day! But no worries, I have found the balance between being childish and childlike... and only throw tantrums very occasionally!

I supported myself and my son throughout his early years by working as a stripper, since the easiest way to get paid for dancing was to take my clothes off... but I didn't care... I was still dancing. I often used to think this was a weird way to make a living: enjoying my sensuality in front of frustrated men but oh well, it was better than slaving away in some stupid office and not be able to raise my son myself! As it was, I was able to work mainly night shifts and only two to three weeks a month and be the main presence and influence in his life all while being able to be a punker and have purple hair! Can you beat that?

This also allowed me to pursue and develop side-interests like music, dance, astrology, art, herbology and activism. Let’s say that I never felt the need to settle “down” or end my rebellion, and when I turned thirty I realized this was not 'a phase'!

There is no bypassing the fact that I had a difficult childhood. Just to give you an inkling of an idea, one of my counsellors once described it as a mix between ritual abuse and POW camp (I guess I had been 'minimizing' again!). On my following visit, I came back with: "You know, when you're in a POW camp, at least you know your family is on your side!"

That said, I had the good luck of spending the first seven years of my life mostly with my grandparents, my nanny and my older sister (sans 'maman' as it were) and I would not be as whole without them. I should also add to that list my little sister who came along in Montreal when I was 11; she was the light of my life in very dark times.

There was also an abundance of art, beauty, travel, good cuisine and culture in my family and that really helped open my horizons and shape my artistic abilities. I think it really meant a lot to me to know there was a whole world waiting for me and it gave me the incentive to stay alive long enough to explore it. It also helped that my mother had a dramatic streak and kept threatening to kill me in the midst of her beatings. I decided that suicide was not for me as I would then be doing her job for her and she wouldn't even go to jail. Defiance is such a nice thing!

I was also born with what I call an inner propensity for happiness, so a lot of my childhood was 'normal' in spite of the abuse. I loved babies, nature, playing, singing, dancing, etc. I was an active girl who was very much of a tomboy. I climbed trees, wrestled with boys and played sports. I loved my matchbox cars, collected bugs (live bugs that I released the next day or so!) and avidly read nature books. I also read poetry that I memorized for fun, and the only thing I asked for my twelfth birthday was a book of poetry which is the only remnant of my childhood that is still with me. But most of all I loved to sing! I used to lock myself up in my room and sing along to my favourite artists. I would sing on the way to school, on the way home, and every chance I got. The first song I was able to sing pretty well was "Ma liberté" as sung by George Moustaki when I was about eight.

I first learned English when my mother pulled me out of the French school I was attending in Montreal and I was unceremoniously plopped in the middle of an English High School at the age of thirteen. It was sink or swim and I swam. I then kept English up when I was sent back to my grandparents at the age of fourteen as I my love poetry extended to the lyrics of the bands I was listening to. And the influences were varied: Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Deep Purple, Genesis, Bob Dylan, Leonard Cohen, Pink Floyd, Shawn Phillips, Cat Stevens, Neil Young, King Crimson, The Doors, Led Zeppelin, and Jefferson Airplane were my main influences and I used to spend hours with a French/English dictionary to translate these sometimes obscure as I needed to understand what they were saying. There were many nights, when I was coming off of acid and more acutely aware of my loneliness and the darkness pressing against my heart that their voices and poetry was the only thing keeping me safe and I do not exaggerate if I say that they helped save me and shape who I have become…

I still want you to know that all I have carried from my past into my present is the beauty of what I experienced, and that for the most part I do as Lhasa De Sela puts it: "J'ai un passé, mais j'm'en sers pas!" (I have a past but I don't use it!); still, it has left its imprint in my inner landscape and I do share a special kinship with people who have suffered, even though I tend to prefer the ones who are well into the healing process! Lucky for me this includes most of the sensitive, intelligent and creative people I love to hang out with! La vie est dure pour les rêveurs...

I am often told that I am well-adjusted "especially with the childhood I had". To which I answer that I was a pretty well-adjusted child too (it's just the teenage years that got all buggered up!) But all kidding aside... I AM well-adjusted most of the time but I am pretty good at hiding my insecurities and all that keeps me vulnerable, call it survival instinct; so I often come across as stronger than I really am. I skirt the edge as it were. One thing is sure though... even when I get triggered in my life or with my friends and relationships; I make sure I do not turn to making things toxic or destructive as THAT really bores me!

Another side effect of my childhood is that I have developed a certain level of intensity (matching equal pain with equal beauty... check it out, it works!) and a wicked sense of humour. As anyone going through this kind of thing will tell you, laughing a lot and as often as possible really helps. As much as I can be funny to my friends, I know I am not as funny as others and I have a huge respect for comics, most of whom seem to have overcome some heavy stuff in their life as well (Richard Pryor being a good example).

I am sharing all this because I feel that not enough people openly talk about experiences stemming from my kind of biography and also in the hope of inspiring someone who is struggling with similar issues. Remember: The only way forward is towards healing! And as Churchill once said: "When you're going through hell, keep going!" So go to it!

Other insights about me in no particular order:

I was always a rebel but I qualify my rebellion as being quite French; meaning that it has a heart and is not just bent on getting rid of everything as much as on doing things in a new way. It also means that one of the main things I rebelled against was not only authority in general but all that is empty of emotion, poetry and beauty. I now live my rebellion in a different way than when I was younger but the target is the same: the barriers people lock themselves behind when they could be building bridges. Anything to do with lack of warmth, pettiness of mind, spirit and heart... narrow-mindedness... and ready-made opinions; all the crap created by the Bushes and Cheneys of the world is what I strive to undo; what has changed is that I have turned my anger towards such things into love for all that is not them as I realize that where my energy goes is what I nourish and strengthen, good or bad. Maybe one day I will be able to love them too.

I speak four languages (Spanish, French, English and German). My Spanish is a little rusty but the other three are fluent. I also speak snippets of Gaelic and understand some Dutch, Italian and Portuguese. I love words, etymology and the unique twists and turns of thinking inherent in each language! I love to roll different sounds in my mouth and feel how words can have a life of their own; I am a self-professed word-nerd and often work doing translations and copy-editing.

The name that appears on my birth certificate is not Paloma Vita but I could not stand the way English mouths pronounced my name so I changed it to something I liked (and no, I will not tell you what it is!) I chose Paloma for the symbol of the dove and because it represents my heritage: The furthest maiden name I know of on my mother’s side is Columbini (which means roughly “of the dove” in Italian). I also chose Vita as a last name to honour my grandfather who is the only true father I ever knew. There! Now you know about my name!

I am also very interested and active in more esoteric fields, which I have spent my entire life learning (or unlearning...). When I was sixteen, I had an older lover who introduced me to Astrology, Tarot and Tantric practices in such a way that I couldn't brush them aside. I am continually open to 'getting it' better and have gained a certain degree of proficiency in energy work and most of the above but as we well know, "in the place of the Spirit we are always at the beginning". I do not 'believe' anything specific so that new experiences can come along and broaden what I previously thought I knew.

When I was young and on the streets, there were a few shady occult guys who tried to get me into one coven or another (apparently I had 'gifts') but I felt that the best way to avoid going down the 'wrong path' was to allow whatever gifts I had to continue operating naturally as I was sure this was the one way my ego would not interfere and potentially turn the whole thing nasty on me... to this day I believe in just letting energy flow. I am not much of a 'power over' kind of person and I am aware that whatever knowledge we manage to garner in our lifetime pales in comparison to the 'truth'.

The way I look at it is that if I came back in a body it's to live through it. I will transcend it when I die and there is no need to live in denial of the physical or try to eliminate desires and all that 'earthly' stuff. There is nothing wrong with desires in my book... we just need to: a) learn to manifest them, and b) not get too hung up on them (all at the same time!).

I am open to forever expending my experiences and mindset. That said, I feel that my life is pretty groovy and that I don't need much else to be happy. Of course I always welcome more friends and partners in bliss, with whom to share this most interesting and often heart-wrenching moment in history.

Well that's all (!!!) I can think about right now… Oh… Did I mention I am a Gemini who loves to communicate and who is addicted to suspension points, parentheses and exclamation marks!?! But I have also learned to listen... so now it's your turn!

Latcho drom