Happy Cry

Usually I only cry watching episodes of Intervention, so I thought I would share something that made me happy cry for the first time in ages.

www.vimeo.com/1211060

By the way, Alma Paradiso was awesome. I'm so relaxed and tanned. Can't wait for Elysium....

Random Gentle Sex Master

I haven't blogged in a while and so I thought I'd share the results of a "Dating Personality Type" Test I took. It said I was a Playboy of the "Random Gentle Sex Master" variety. Oh my! If only it were so.

-----
Clean. Smooth. Successful. You're The Playboy.

You're spontaneous, and your energy is highly contagious. Guys therefore find you fun to be around, and girls find you compelling. You have lots of sex, and you manage it all without seeming cheap or being hurtful. Well done. You probably know karate, too.

It's obvious to us, and probably everyone else, that you're after physical rather than emotional relationships, but you're straight up with potential partners. And if a guy you want isn't into something casual, it's no big deal. You move on. BEFORE sleeping with him. Usually. At least you try to. Such control is rare.

If you're feeling unfulfilled, maybe you should raise your standards. New conquests will only be satisfying if there's a possibility of rejection.
-----

I think I know how I got pigeon-holed as a Cuddly Whore. It asked me many questions, but there were two that seemed to be the basis for this analysis: 1) # of Total Sex Partners 2) Last time I was in a relationship

The answer to #1 was definitely due to me living in SF for all of my twenties. The thirties have not been so kind. Which is where question #2 came in. Its been a long time. Not because I've been whoring around San Diego. Whoring generally requires 2 people! I just haven't dated anyone seriously during this decade of my life.

So, now this test is attached to my profile at a dating site and god only knows what kind of guy I'm gonna find (same as all the others?). I think I want a relationship, I'm just pretty sure I don't need one. That seems like a good place to be in life, but maybe its just going to leave me old and alone. The fact at this point is that I've got a lot of great friends and don't seem to require that deeper relationship right now. It feels sort of wrong to say that. Doesn't everyone need that deeper relationship?

Having said all of that, I still wouldn't mind some hot sex from unknown ports. Maybe I am the Random Gentle Sex Master?

So, I just wanted to vent and, anyways, American Idol is on. Not sure why I needed to share this.

End blog.

Fuente Eterno Pix

Magical Weekend, y'all. Thanks to everyone who was camping at the Phat Elvis Burbs, those who stopped by for drinks and those who took me on random adventures. Much love to you all!

I posted my Fuente Pix up to Flickr! Check'em out at www.flickr.com/photos/170...4095052089/
If you want a hi-res version of any of them, I'll send it to you via email.

Photos Posted

I posted my FDLM photos to flickr at www.flickr.com/photos/170...2625343712/

There are so many people that took part! Thanks so much for a great weekend. Let me know if you want a high-res version of any of the pix and I'll post them.

Special thanks to the Sparky's Crew for being so easy to get along with -- even the break down was fun!

Free Paul Addis

I saw this poem in a tribe post and thought it conveyed my feelings about the early burn perfectly:

I really hope the charges don't stick...
for such a classic schtick; the kid got his kicks
I ask who's sicker, the heart-broken burners
or the Dude with the Flicker
tickin' like a time-bomb he mortalized the Wicker
the Man & all they wanna do is whine & bicker
the plan oughta be: Burn the plans & preconceived notions
spontaneity & cacophony put in motion
forget about who's art or costume looks the baddest
free your mind, you asses FOLLOW ADDIS!!!

It was posted by people.tribe.net/i-storm

No Fatties Need Apply

This is a bit awkward to post, but I'm hoping that it will be slightly cathartic. Last Friday I went out on my first date in god knows how many years. I'm talking a real date. There was a time set up more than 24 hours in advance. There was a dinner reservation. There was good - awesome! - food. We had conversation and drinks. It wasn't one of those Friday night Craigslist encounters ("I posted that over two hours ago and have fucked three people already! You gotta be quicker!"). It wasn't taking E on the playa and ending up in a tent with someone while Juwanna waited for me in the corner (It was a big tent, by the way). It wasn't making out in Smoke Blower's pool while Jaws played on the screen above my head. Like I said, this was a real f*cking date!

And it was exciting just to be back in the swing of things again. I can't say it was the best date in the world. The conversation was a bit awkward and I kept waiting for him to be more exciting than I think he was capable of. But, I understood that going into it. He was in insurance, after all. Still, I was having a good enough time and was hoping that things would eventually flow. We went back to his place, he broke out the bong and killed a bowl without blinking. I passed because of my unpredictable experiences with marijuana. Instead, I drank heavily when we went to his corner bar. I'm always good with drink!

Anyhow, after the bar, we returned to his place and watched the first season of "Three's Company". Hmmmm... should have known things were taking a turn for the worse. I decided making out would be better.

Cut to the next morning. He's obviously a morning person. He's up and showered before my eyes even open. "Time to get out... my housekeeper and her conservative family are going to be here in 30 minutes." Whatevs -- I need to get ready for Smoke Blower's party, anyhow.

So, Saturday and Sunday, even though my schedule was really full, I kept falling in and out of daydream mode, wondering whether there was anything there. Maybe another date would go a bit smoother. Maybe it was better than I remember. Maybe it was worse than I remember. Was I even capable of judging whether the date was good or bad at this point? That was probably a bad sign.

Now Monday rolls around and I'm thinking I should call him to check-in and see if he's up for something next weekend. But when I get home, there's an email from him. Here's the good part of it:

" I had a generally good time, but do have to share with you that I was disappointed by your appearance when I met you.... There are a lot of guys who are into heavier men, but I'm not one of them. Best of luck to you. "

Oh No He Didn't!

Probably the worst thing he could have said to crush my ego. Nothing about my charm or wit (which I must admit, wasn't in peak form, but was still better than your average hookup). Nothing to soften the blow. Just out there. Like a big ol' beer belly in a speedo.

I've had this conversation with some people about my body issues. I'm not comfortable with my body in a big way -- never have been and don't ever see it happening. The Burningman community has helped me accept myself more than I used to, but its still a long journey. I used to do meth to stay thin and thankfully got over that self-destructive impulse. Yet, when I read that, all of my insecurities came back suddenly. Honestly, they weren't that far away. But it completely validated all of the negative voices I had played in my head since I was in my teens. Someone finally said it.

And then this afternoon, something very peaceful hit me. Is that it? Are those the words I've been fearing for so long? Is that all of the pain I've been trying to avoid. Sure it hurt a little, but not that bad. The voices in my head hurt a lot more and with so much more intensity for so long. I think I can survive this just fine. Maybe this is my watershed moment. Maybe I can start being comfortable with me, regardless of my fears about what other people want. I don't know how it will play out over the long term, but I can honestly say, I'm ok with it right now.

Funny how life works sometimes.

Did someone finally get it right

I was engaging in a little vanity not but a few moments ago -- the old "peruse my tragic blog entries" routine -- when I noticed that someone finally realized what I've been saying this whole time.

The Google Ads to the left of my blogstuff was littered with ads about bipolar disorder and depression. Geez.... it surely would have been helpful to me years ago if they'd figured out the technology in time. Instead, I'm just left with me trying to figure my way in my own bipolar way. Regardless of their fairly emphatic conclusion about my condition, I still swear I'm only borderline bipolar. I've had the luck to date truly bipolar people, and I still think I'm at least a little more empathetic to the world than they've been... or been to me.

My filters may be askew and I may say things that are deemed inappropriate, nary incorrect, though. In it all, somehow I still hope to have a foot in the real world and not be completely about my own condition all of the time. Yet, inevitably, when I walk through crowds alone and interact solely through osmosis, I can't help but think it really is all about me. And if I could fix me, perhaps the rest of the world would finally make sense.

Over the last few months I've had the opportunity to truly reaquaint myself with my desires for this tour of the planet and it has been enlightening and frightening. I'm learning to assert my interests and act on my impulses. For so long, I felt like I was just catching a ride on everyone else's dream. And their dreams bored me. I'm recreating my world, one boy toy at a time. Making choices between watching the world and acting upon it. I'm enjoying the action, but still have my moments of crisis. But that's why they invented action heroes, right?

Tag back tagged by Bobby!

One: I hate rules. So, even though there aren't supposed to be tag-backs, I Didn't Like My Last 8 Facts, so I'm going to tag myself back and redo my 8 facts about myself.

Two
I don't like traveling, probably because I'm too shy to talk to people when I go somewhere else. If I happen to end up somewhere other than here, I'll probably stay there for a while because I'll dread going to the next there. But right now, here is where I want to be, because I finally feel comfortable enough to say hello when I go outside.

Three
The artist who has most affected my aesthetic is Mark Rothko. The artists that have most affected my outlook on the world are Morrissey and Marc Almond. The artist that I'd most like to meet is Manray. The artist that I'd most like to spend a weekend getting f*'ed up with is Andy Warhol. The artist I'd most like to be is the one hiding out inside of me.

Four
I love learning new things – random things and useful things. The things I want to learn how to do in the next few years: Draw, play piano, stay in a relationship, become an awesome cook and love myself.

Five
I once had a list of goals to accomplish by the time I was 30. I finished all but one on the list by age 27 and have wandered aimlessly for six years. The only one I didn't get around to was having sex with a woman. I don't know why, but whenever the opportunity arises, I get a little creeped out by it. I love woman, just not like that, I think.

Six
[This fact left intentionally blank – got to leave some mystery]

Seven
I quit the last full-time office job I had the day after I came back from my first Burningman in 1997. I went with my boss' girlfriend and neither of us went back to him : ) I've returned every year except 2001. I'm constantly amazed at how my experience every year is a reflection of my hidden self. How it brings to light and confronts the parts of me I thought I had concealed so well from the world. Sometimes it is a good thing, other times I am challenged by it. And sometimes it hurts me and other times it has healed me.

Eight
I'm not good at staying in touch with people when I move from somewhere. The five people I'd most like to renew my friendships with are: Diane Lu, Jeremy Werner, Michelle Russell Gardner Nakayama, Richard Prasad and Lobie Dudek. The only boyfriend I wish I hadn't broken up with is Roger Newcomb. I've listed their names for the sake of posterity – on the web, love never has to die.


I tag: Shutte, Lady Uberbabe, Fraggle, Roger Fojas, Juwanna and Whistler.

Floating in SASE

I've been single a long time and sometimes it seems like I'm floating around in a self-addressed stamped envelope. All deliveries end up at my own doorstep. I have to admit I've been on a chosen exile for the past few years.... but I think I'm done being alone. Not that I don't enjoy my own company, I just remember enjoying (and hating) the dynamic of two wills seeking a unity (that was never found). The journey was always the reward, as they warned me when I began. And those rewards were worth the hurt and suffering. Oddly, though, I only remember a few of the really traumatic things about relationships -- primarily I remember the joy. And so joy is what I've decided to begin seeking.

This will probably entail a few reckless encounters on Craigslist before I get it right. Maybe if I decide to go to Burningman this year, I can wander around Jiffy Lube and find some of the hesitant wanderers before they are swallowed whole by that hole. Or maybe I'll just talk to folks -- that's always been my way before. Of course, its been a while since I've turned on that Come F*ck Me Charm : )

I muster all of the whorry spirits that used to possess me and ask for your forgiveness. I have sinned by not sinning. And I am ready again.


"So please put your sweet hand in mine, and float in space and drift in time
I'll love you to death, I guess that's what you get
And I don't know where we are all going to
Love don't get stranger, it is what it is
And I don't know where we are all going to
Everything happens today, and that's what you get
And I don't know where we are all going to"
"Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating in Space" - Spiritualized

Two Stories High

Its a disturbing revelation when you begin to come to terms with your own duality. We are all good and evil depending on the context. There is the god figure we want to be -- Christ, Buddah, Allah, Uberbabe. Whatever. But we only know this god because it is the god within. It is the goodness that we are that we try to actualize within the realities of our daily lives. And it is the failure and success of our attempts that seem to bring us joy and sadness.

Within Burning-culture, our multiple personalities are given expression through costume and new chosen/given names. I took my name when I was 18 from a close friend -- Cable was his middlename and it resonated with me enough to ask him for permission to use it. Funny thing was that we were both about to leave for College, separated by about 1/2 mile in Claremont. He went to Pomona College and I went to Harvey Mudd College. I spent a lot of time visiting him because I wasn't really into the Nerds on Parade aspect of HMC. We kept the secret, not out of some deep pact, but to simplify our lives. Eventually people started to figure it out when he would get a formal award where his middle name was written and they would begin to ask why? Or state they found it odd. For some reason it didn't seem odd to me, or bother him.

I spent ten years in San Francisco and only a few people there call me Chris. My Mom even started putting Cable on my birthday cake for a while. There have been times in my life when I've reverted back to my christian name, usually during periods where I wasn't feeling very interesting to the world. Its much easier to blend in and be ignored when your name is Chris, rather than Cable. If two people who know you get together and mention Chris, they're less likely to have an a-ha! moment than if someone mentions their friend Cable. "Oh, yeah -- I knew him back when he...." Sometimes that's useful, mostly it just simplifies your life.

It simplifies things because those who know Chris may not really understand some of the things Cable has done. Chris is known by neighbors and work colleagues, anyone who writes me a check or makes me fill in a form. Cable is known by people dancing on tables at bars, getting hand massages in the backs of nightclubs, watching the sunrise in the desert and doing things to their body they wouldn't admit in polite company. One ex-boyfriend even flipped between calling me Chris and Cable, depending on what we were doing -- whether we were 'visiting the darkside' or having a wholesome evening at home.

I've never felt particularly schitzophrenic -- both people seem comfortable within me, but I've done a fair amout of personnel purging in my life in order to find that safe space. I don't need other people's issues getting in the way of my happiness and I hate lying, even in small ways. So, you either accept the duality or you don't get to experience it. I don't like to distinguish too greatly between 'the default world' and my own. And every once in a while, there is a truly remarkable juxtaposition that makes it worthwhile.