Renegade Stimulus

Happy Cry

partytrap — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 23:18:02 GMT

Usually I only cry watching episodes of Intervention, so I thought I would share something that made me happy cry for the first time in ages. http://www.vimeo.com/1211060 By the way, Alma Paradiso was awesome. I'm so relaxed and tanned. Can't wait for Elysium....

Random Gentle Sex Master

partytrap — Thu, 08 May 2008 04:17:17 GMT

I haven't blogged in a while and so I thought I'd share the results of a "Dating Personality Type" Test I took. It said I was a Playboy of the "Random Gentle Sex Master" variety. Oh my! If only it were so. ----- Clean. Smooth. Successful. You're The Playboy. You're spontaneous, and your energy is highly contagious. Guys therefore find you fun to be around, and girls find you compelling. You have lots of sex, and you manage it all without seeming cheap or being hurtful. Well done. You probably know karate, too. It's obvious to us, and probably everyone else, that you're after physical rather than emotional relationships, but you're straight up with potential partners. And if a guy you want isn't into something casual, it's no big deal. You move on. BEFORE sleeping with him. Usually. At least you try to. Such control is rare. If you're feeling unfulfilled, maybe you should raise your standards. New conquests will only be satisfying if there's a possibility of rejection. ----- I think I know how I got pigeon-holed as a Cuddly Whore. It asked me many questions, but there were two that seemed to be the basis for this analysis: 1) # of Total Sex Partners 2) Last time I was in a relationship The answer to #1 was definitely due to me living in SF for all of my twenties. The thirties have not been so kind. Which is where question #2 came in. Its been a long time. Not because I've been whoring around San Diego. Whoring generally requires 2 people! I just haven't dated anyone seriously during this decade of my life. So, now this test is attached to my profile at a dating site and god only knows what kind of guy I'm gonna find (same as all the others?). I think I want a relationship, I'm just pretty sure I don't need one. That seems like a good place to be in life, but maybe its just going to leave me old and alone. The fact at this point is that I've got a lot of great friends and don't seem to require that deeper relationship right now. It feels sort of wrong to say that. Doesn't everyone need that deeper relationship? Having said all of that, I still wouldn't mind some hot sex from unknown ports. Maybe I am the Random Gentle Sex Master? So, I just wanted to vent and, anyways, American Idol is on. Not sure why I needed to share this. End blog.

Fuente Eterno Pix

partytrap — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 04:15:18 GMT

Magical Weekend, y'all. Thanks to everyone who was camping at the Phat Elvis Burbs, those who stopped by for drinks and those who took me on random adventures. Much love to you all! I posted my Fuente Pix up to Flickr! Check'em out at http://www.flickr.com/photos/17086963@N00/sets/72157604095052089/ If you want a hi-res version of any of them, I'll send it to you via email.

Photos Posted

partytrap — Tue, 23 Oct 2007 03:43:35 GMT

I posted my FDLM photos to flickr at http://www.flickr.com/photos/17086963@N00/sets/72157602625343712/ There are so many people that took part! Thanks so much for a great weekend. Let me know if you want a high-res version of any of the pix and I'll post them. Special thanks to the Sparky's Crew for being so easy to get along with -- even the break down was fun!

Free Paul Addis

partytrap — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 00:15:10 GMT

I saw this poem in a tribe post and thought it conveyed my feelings about the early burn perfectly: I really hope the charges don't stick... for such a classic schtick; the kid got his kicks I ask who's sicker, the heart-broken burners or the Dude with the Flicker tickin' like a time-bomb he mortalized the Wicker the Man & all they wanna do is whine & bicker the plan oughta be: Burn the plans & preconceived notions spontaneity & cacophony put in motion forget about who's art or costume looks the baddest free your mind, you asses FOLLOW ADDIS!!! It was posted by http://people.tribe.net/i-storm

No Fatties Need Apply

partytrap — Wed, 04 Jul 2007 05:28:18 GMT

This is a bit awkward to post, but I'm hoping that it will be slightly cathartic. Last Friday I went out on my first date in god knows how many years. I'm talking a real date. There was a time set up more than 24 hours in advance. There was a dinner reservation. There was good - awesome! - food. We had conversation and drinks. It wasn't one of those Friday night Craigslist encounters ("I posted that over two hours ago and have fucked three people already! You gotta be quicker!"). It wasn't taking E on the playa and ending up in a tent with someone while Juwanna waited for me in the corner (It was a big tent, by the way). It wasn't making out in Smoke Blower's pool while Jaws played on the screen above my head. Like I said, this was a real f*cking date! And it was exciting just to be back in the swing of things again. I can't say it was the best date in the world. The conversation was a bit awkward and I kept waiting for him to be more exciting than I think he was capable of. But, I understood that going into it. He was in insurance, after all. Still, I was having a good enough time and was hoping that things would eventually flow. We went back to his place, he broke out the bong and killed a bowl without blinking. I passed because of my unpredictable experiences with marijuana. Instead, I drank heavily when we went to his corner bar. I'm always good with drink! Anyhow, after the bar, we returned to his place and watched the first season of "Three's Company". Hmmmm... should have known things were taking a turn for the worse. I decided making out would be better. Cut to the next morning. He's obviously a morning person. He's up and showered before my eyes even open. "Time to get out... my housekeeper and her conservative family are going to be here in 30 minutes." Whatevs -- I need to get ready for Smoke Blower's party, anyhow. So, Saturday and Sunday, even though my schedule was really full, I kept falling in and out of daydream mode, wondering whether there was anything there. Maybe another date would go a bit smoother. Maybe it was better than I remember. Maybe it was worse than I remember. Was I even capable of judging whether the date was good or bad at this point? That was probably a bad sign. Now Monday rolls around and I'm thinking I should call him to check-in and see if he's up for something next weekend. But when I get home, there's an email from him. Here's the good part of it: " I had a generally good time, but do have to share with you that I was disappointed by your appearance when I met you.... There are a lot of guys who are into heavier men, but I'm not one of them. Best of luck to you. " Oh No He Didn't! Probably the worst thing he could have said to crush my ego. Nothing about my charm or wit (which I must admit, wasn't in peak form, but was still better than your average hookup). Nothing to soften the blow. Just out there. Like a big ol' beer belly in a speedo. I've had this conversation with some people about my body issues. I'm not comfortable with my body in a big way -- never have been and don't ever see it happening. The Burningman community has helped me accept myself more than I used to, but its still a long journey. I used to do meth to stay thin and thankfully got over that self-destructive impulse. Yet, when I read that, all of my insecurities came back suddenly. Honestly, they weren't that far away. But it completely validated all of the negative voices I had played in my head since I was in my teens. Someone finally said it. And then this afternoon, something very peaceful hit me. Is that it? Are those the words I've been fearing for so long? Is that all of the pain I've been trying to avoid. Sure it hurt a little, but not that bad. The voices in my head hurt a lot more and with so much more intensity for so long. I think I can survive this just fine. Maybe this is my watershed moment. Maybe I can start being comfortable with me, regardless of my fears about what other people want. I don't know how it will play out over the long term, but I can honestly say, I'm ok with it right now. Funny how life works sometimes.

Did someone finally get it right

partytrap — Sat, 09 Jun 2007 06:25:41 GMT

I was engaging in a little vanity not but a few moments ago -- the old "peruse my tragic blog entries" routine -- when I noticed that someone finally realized what I've been saying this whole time. The Google Ads to the left of my blogstuff was littered with ads about bipolar disorder and depression. Geez.... it surely would have been helpful to me years ago if they'd figured out the technology in time. Instead, I'm just left with me trying to figure my way in my own bipolar way. Regardless of their fairly emphatic conclusion about my condition, I still swear I'm only borderline bipolar. I've had the luck to date truly bipolar people, and I still think I'm at least a little more empathetic to the world than they've been... or been to me. My filters may be askew and I may say things that are deemed inappropriate, nary incorrect, though. In it all, somehow I still hope to have a foot in the real world and not be completely about my own condition all of the time. Yet, inevitably, when I walk through crowds alone and interact solely through osmosis, I can't help but think it really is all about me. And if I could fix me, perhaps the rest of the world would finally make sense. Over the last few months I've had the opportunity to truly reaquaint myself with my desires for this tour of the planet and it has been enlightening and frightening. I'm learning to assert my interests and act on my impulses. For so long, I felt like I was just catching a ride on everyone else's dream. And their dreams bored me. I'm recreating my world, one boy toy at a time. Making choices between watching the world and acting upon it. I'm enjoying the action, but still have my moments of crisis. But that's why they invented action heroes, right?

Tag back tagged by Bobby!

partytrap — Tue, 04 Jul 2006 19:28:36 GMT

One: I hate rules. So, even though there aren't supposed to be tag-backs, I Didn't Like My Last 8 Facts, so I'm going to tag myself back and redo my 8 facts about myself. Two I don't like traveling, probably because I'm too shy to talk to people when I go somewhere else. If I happen to end up somewhere other than here, I'll probably stay there for a while because I'll dread going to the next there. But right now, here is where I want to be, because I finally feel comfortable enough to say hello when I go outside. Three The artist who has most affected my aesthetic is Mark Rothko. The artists that have most affected my outlook on the world are Morrissey and Marc Almond. The artist that I'd most like to meet is Manray. The artist that I'd most like to spend a weekend getting f*'ed up with is Andy Warhol. The artist I'd most like to be is the one hiding out inside of me. Four I love learning new things – random things and useful things. The things I want to learn how to do in the next few years: Draw, play piano, stay in a relationship, become an awesome cook and love myself. Five I once had a list of goals to accomplish by the time I was 30. I finished all but one on the list by age 27 and have wandered aimlessly for six years. The only one I didn't get around to was having sex with a woman. I don't know why, but whenever the opportunity arises, I get a little creeped out by it. I love woman, just not like that, I think. Six [This fact left intentionally blank – got to leave some mystery] Seven I quit the last full-time office job I had the day after I came back from my first Burningman in 1997. I went with my boss' girlfriend and neither of us went back to him : ) I've returned every year except 2001. I'm constantly amazed at how my experience every year is a reflection of my hidden self. How it brings to light and confronts the parts of me I thought I had concealed so well from the world. Sometimes it is a good thing, other times I am challenged by it. And sometimes it hurts me and other times it has healed me. Eight I'm not good at staying in touch with people when I move from somewhere. The five people I'd most like to renew my friendships with are: Diane Lu, Jeremy Werner, Michelle Russell Gardner Nakayama, Richard Prasad and Lobie Dudek. The only boyfriend I wish I hadn't broken up with is Roger Newcomb. I've listed their names for the sake of posterity – on the web, love never has to die. I tag: Shutte, Lady Uberbabe, Fraggle, Roger Fojas, Juwanna and Whistler.

Floating in SASE

partytrap — Sat, 01 Jul 2006 04:26:56 GMT

I've been single a long time and sometimes it seems like I'm floating around in a self-addressed stamped envelope. All deliveries end up at my own doorstep. I have to admit I've been on a chosen exile for the past few years.... but I think I'm done being alone. Not that I don't enjoy my own company, I just remember enjoying (and hating) the dynamic of two wills seeking a unity (that was never found). The journey was always the reward, as they warned me when I began. And those rewards were worth the hurt and suffering. Oddly, though, I only remember a few of the really traumatic things about relationships -- primarily I remember the joy. And so joy is what I've decided to begin seeking. This will probably entail a few reckless encounters on Craigslist before I get it right. Maybe if I decide to go to Burningman this year, I can wander around Jiffy Lube and find some of the hesitant wanderers before they are swallowed whole by that hole. Or maybe I'll just talk to folks -- that's always been my way before. Of course, its been a while since I've turned on that Come F*ck Me Charm : ) I muster all of the whorry spirits that used to possess me and ask for your forgiveness. I have sinned by not sinning. And I am ready again. "So please put your sweet hand in mine, and float in space and drift in time I'll love you to death, I guess that's what you get And I don't know where we are all going to Love don't get stranger, it is what it is And I don't know where we are all going to Everything happens today, and that's what you get And I don't know where we are all going to" "Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating in Space" - Spiritualized

Two Stories High

partytrap — Fri, 26 May 2006 20:09:53 GMT

Its a disturbing revelation when you begin to come to terms with your own duality. We are all good and evil depending on the context. There is the god figure we want to be -- Christ, Buddah, Allah, Uberbabe. Whatever. But we only know this god because it is the god within. It is the goodness that we are that we try to actualize within the realities of our daily lives. And it is the failure and success of our attempts that seem to bring us joy and sadness. Within Burning-culture, our multiple personalities are given expression through costume and new chosen/given names. I took my name when I was 18 from a close friend -- Cable was his middlename and it resonated with me enough to ask him for permission to use it. Funny thing was that we were both about to leave for College, separated by about 1/2 mile in Claremont. He went to Pomona College and I went to Harvey Mudd College. I spent a lot of time visiting him because I wasn't really into the Nerds on Parade aspect of HMC. We kept the secret, not out of some deep pact, but to simplify our lives. Eventually people started to figure it out when he would get a formal award where his middle name was written and they would begin to ask why? Or state they found it odd. For some reason it didn't seem odd to me, or bother him. I spent ten years in San Francisco and only a few people there call me Chris. My Mom even started putting Cable on my birthday cake for a while. There have been times in my life when I've reverted back to my christian name, usually during periods where I wasn't feeling very interesting to the world. Its much easier to blend in and be ignored when your name is Chris, rather than Cable. If two people who know you get together and mention Chris, they're less likely to have an a-ha! moment than if someone mentions their friend Cable. "Oh, yeah -- I knew him back when he...." Sometimes that's useful, mostly it just simplifies your life. It simplifies things because those who know Chris may not really understand some of the things Cable has done. Chris is known by neighbors and work colleagues, anyone who writes me a check or makes me fill in a form. Cable is known by people dancing on tables at bars, getting hand massages in the backs of nightclubs, watching the sunrise in the desert and doing things to their body they wouldn't admit in polite company. One ex-boyfriend even flipped between calling me Chris and Cable, depending on what we were doing -- whether we were 'visiting the darkside' or having a wholesome evening at home. I've never felt particularly schitzophrenic -- both people seem comfortable within me, but I've done a fair amout of personnel purging in my life in order to find that safe space. I don't need other people's issues getting in the way of my happiness and I hate lying, even in small ways. So, you either accept the duality or you don't get to experience it. I don't like to distinguish too greatly between 'the default world' and my own. And every once in a while, there is a truly remarkable juxtaposition that makes it worthwhile.

Meet the F*ckers

partytrap — Mon, 15 May 2006 18:16:03 GMT

Recently, I've begun conversations with three people a little to close to me. I like to call them the Little F*ckers -- and they don't have names that I can discern, so I simply catalog them under Hope, Fear and Truth. These little f*ckers have been on my case constantly ever since I've started my journey to fix whats broke in me. They are relentless little f*ckers. They keep on waiting for me to devise a new scheme that I believe will evade their omniscient gaze. They've seen me take a shortcut down a blind alley before. They've seen me gerryrig a solution to get out of doing the hard work and they know I consider myself too damn clever for them to figure out. The problem with my scheming plans is that these little f*ckers are sitting alongside my thoughts, letting me know when I'm cutting corners in my attempt to shave a few seconds off my time to the finish line. They calls them like they sees them and aren't afraid to throw a flag on the most innocuous white lie I've told myself to get through the day. Each one's got their own personality and I've created a physical image to comfort me during our arguments. Anger is the jerk, or at least the toughest one. He walks around in a wrinkled shirt over loose fitting jeans. He doesn't think I'm good for anything. Everything I try is going to fail and everything I desire is corrupted by impure motives. I'm having a good day when he's just hurling insults from the refrigerator, grabbing a beer for the game. I'm having a really good day when I take him head on in battle. Hope is my matriarch, the only woman in the bunch, a dirty blonde who dresses in country sass. She believes in me when no one else seems to. She isn't very practical and doesn't often see my foibles. She believes all my negatives are just being seen in the wrong light. Change the viewing angle and there is something good in everything. When things really suck and I don't feel strong, she's the one I count on to pull me through. Truth is the tough ass, a fair and pragmatic judge of my life. I sort of like one of him, because he holds me up to a higher standard while allowing the past to just be, understanding there are many roads we take in our journey. When things are moving well, I call him 'the path'. I picture him in 501s and a t-shirt, sometimes in dockers and a button-up. I guess it depends if its a weekend. What I like is that he sees the parts of me that I like about myself and can defend them, whereas I wouldn't necessarily assert my individuality in mixed company. Sometimes I think we'll end up together when its all over. So, these are the little f*ckers I've been having conversations with lately. They are a hard group to love, but I think they're getting me where I need to be going. There are rotting and no longer useful parts of my ego littering the road, replaced with with something healthier that still needs to grow. I'm a bit fragile and the lepresy is still incomplete, but I imagine something beautiful growing out of the mulch.

so i thought i could handle the truth

partytrap — Fri, 28 Apr 2006 06:14:46 GMT

and yet everytime i open that door, the blinding light pushes me back to the ground. in the fall, i catch a glimpse of what i was seeking but amnesia sets in and the journey seems to begin again from naught. but i seem to be piecing together the random pieces of understanding i recall and the picture doesn't seem to be of me, but of someone i once was or wanted to be. and how did i get so distracted in the intervening years. and how do i find my way back while respecting the journey i took inbetween. sometimes i'd like to pretend none of it ever happened, but then i remember how wonderfully exhilerating it all seemed at the time. i remember why i went down those roads and lost myself in my journey. to lose oneself is impossible, i understand. every step is imprinted with oneself, yet the winds are a changing and that self no longer is the same one tracing his tracks back. the path almost looks foreign as i walk backwards -- things definitely look different from this side of the tracks. i'm not sure how far back i'll need to retrace my steps. from cradle to grave i hope not. and i don't know whether i'll choose the right spot to continue forward. 'cuz I'm still not sure what I'm looking for and I'm really bad with directions. where's the map when i need one? for now, I'm just walking toward the light hoping its not another fire ready to burn me. see you at xara. i'll be the one with the scalded hands and the shades.

Self-Indulgence (part one of a continuing problem)

partytrap — Wed, 03 Aug 2005 02:15:45 GMT

Every once in a while I write something to a person that I think is really funny/deep/otherfeeling and I wish I hadn't wasted it just on them. For this reason, I am introducing a new (and only) feature to my Blog Reissue! Repackage! Excerpts from my personal Internet Communications in the past month! I have attempted to protect the identity of the person on the other end of the dispatch, or references to individuals who may not want it to be known that they know me. OK -- let's see how this goes!!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7/7 "The reason this happened is because I went to the post office with the packages (I also needed stamps) and hadn't taped the addresses onto the packages ('cuz I wasn't sure I could use the clicknship label if I didn't use the pick-up service). Anyhow, the packages tipped over on the way and I thought I remembered which products were in which packages (each was in a differently shaped box). " 7/7 "Seattlites are awfully prickly about their packing materials :()" 7/9 "Thanks for going overboard on your project, 'cuz I think we could have just bought you a special inverter" 7/10 "I'm not sure if you noticed, but when you found me I was holding my shoes in my hand because I swore my feet were bleeding -- of course, in the morning there was no sign of damage. Wasn't I supposed to be the shepard? " 7/11 " I was glad I had a chance to meet you, but unfortunately I had some of that wacky weed and became useless right at the moment I was gonna start chatting you up." 7/11 "the entire playa would be better off escaping my fur falling apart with ever gust, jiggle and grope. " 7/21 "are they paying gigs? (wheeeee! cash for dope!) Or for the love of art? (so much love in my heart, so little food on my table) Or to be paid in options (gotta avoid those pets.com graphic artists to avoid a lemur mauling -- still so bitter...)" 7/21 "doin' nuttin' but luvin' and huggin'" 7/22 "I think you're the one I've been seeking to thank for random dildo presents. I'm assuming they were for the taking, but I can return them if they weren't. But, I really think you might consider gifting them anyways at this point :) I've learned many things about myself and anatomy thanks those phabullus magic wands. So many stories to share.... and always an uncomfortable dinner party moment and a quick 'thanks for sharing' from the host.... a sincere thanks for sharing to you and may you continue to procure plenty of packages of poser pricks on your path." 7/30 "I hope you have a wonderful trip and see only beautiful things and think only happy thoughts. I'm sure the two of us can figure out something interesting to surprise you with upon your return." 7/30 "I've been talking you up in the chat rooms :) Bet there's some twisted strange waiting for you behind one of these clicks. " 7/30 "You're in for a crazy ride and the stories won't make sense to anyone who wasn't there." 7/31 "A little bitter, aren't I? Damn, I thought I was over that"

Muse and Musings

partytrap — Fri, 22 Jul 2005 00:09:14 GMT

The muse is Sasquatch... his original blog posting is what is quoted and is available without my asides at http://www.tribe.net/template/pub%2Coc%2CDetail.vm?plugin=blog&inst=1231155&r=1&topicId=0367c1e0-1253-478d-9ca7-7b2cfb96d0e4 --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Muse] The bi-polar nature of my adult relationships just kills me. Years of intensity and whimpering ends. I miss my wife. She was my best friend for 18 years. There seems to be no life without her. I've often wondered what it would be like to be able to love someone forever. My inability to sustain a relationship of longer than a year-or-so through my adult life doesn't seem like a pattern that is likely to age gracefully. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Muse] Men change in geological time, women in the blink of an eye. It seems that I've spent half of my life heartbroken and alone. I am so tired. If I'd known that the passing of time would change the relationship between everything yet the behavior of no one, I'm sure I'd come up with a better plan to follow into my thirties. People always told me I'd change as I got older, but I seem to be as reckless and awkward as ever. I thought time would fix the broken parts in me. And I thought those who loved the broken me would love it forever. Wrong on both counts, I say from a room only I could live in, listening to a mix tape I made for me, because I deserved one. [Muse] I prefer women with class, intelligence and quiet modesty. Modesty seems to be a dying trait being replaced by "look at ME!" exhibitionism and a dreadful piercing and tattoo race. I used to think I had the ability to read a suitor's depth from across a bar. I never wanted the beautiful ones, because I knew the second I took my dick out of their mouth, they'd say something too dreadful to bare. So I left it in until it was time to send them home. OK – that paragraph was painful to reread. But I'll leave it in just to let you know what's going on in my head between the keystrokes. The point I meant to address was that I'm prone to prejudge perfect people or people who are comfortable owning their sexuality because I'm not perfect and I'm in default on my sexuality's lease. Time to trade-in and up. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Muse] U2 sings "I don't believe in violence, I don't believe in rape. But every time that girl walks by, wild thoughts escape." “On your knees, boy.” – also U2 --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Muse] I think waving bloody meat in front of starving dogs is the equivalent of a girl walking around naked in public. Men are about a hair above the baboon when it comes to civilization and their ability to handle extreme temptation. This is not to say that any loss of control on the man's part is excused, only that it's mean or ignorant to do it to them. You'd be surprised who someone is interested in screwing, at least once on a particular night because of a thought they had on the ride there. If something is being advertised, one may as well inquire as to the seller's terns. My problem is that I always think the ad is a clever joke, ne Art, so I giggle quietly to myself and watch someone else pick it up for a dime on the dollar, while the klinking of quarters in my pocket keeps me company on the walk home. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Muse] All the string bikini and six inch mini ladies don't seem to KNOW this. Personally I'm moved to extreme desire that amounts to a kind of torture because it's not likely to be satisfied. It's not pleasant in the long run. Then I get home and jerk off while listening to Patti Smith. I consider just rolling over onto the carpet when I'm done and bored with the result. I think better of it and pull off my sweat dampened sock which provides the bed on which my seed shall be put to rest. Then I put on a Smiths album and watch Live at the Apollo. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Muse] There are places like burning man where this doesn't pertain due to the experiment in community and the meaning of NORMAL but BM is not life. It's a week in the desert. When I moved to Orange County , I had a really difficult time adjusting to the lack of random chaos that had been my sado-masochistic lover for the previous decade in San Francisco . Hooking up with the San Diego and OC Burningman crews has allowed me steal kisses behind practicalities back. And its made me realize that I didn't die – I'm just not interested in explaining myself at every turn to those who won't get it because its not in them. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Muse] Bear in mind that I am speaking of sexually provocative display, not some lady nursing her kid. It's just unfair to rev guys motors all the fucking time and expect them to be fully sane in their responses. Me, I just walk away. Get thee behind me devil and do not shove. And while every once in a while I catch an Abercrombie model admiring himself in the mirror and wonder if I there's anything I can do to be of service to his vanity, I realize that questions, and worse yet, the answers, will detract from his beauty. Duct tape and fuck the lifeless body until he realizes I'm offering him something different, something spiritual and transcendant. In his eyes, I look to see if he's getting it and he looks into mine and asks for taxi fare home. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Muse] For this reason I don't think I could be happy with a lady that did this (even at burning man). Some things should be for your lover alone. If everyone can access what you have it's not special anymore. It's the same reason I'd probably not click with someone who'd had hundreds of partners in her life or needed group sex. I don't want the "neighborhood bicycle," everyone's had a ride. I like to fuck as much as the next guy, and if things are relaxed and fun, I don't need to be in love. But I've never seen it as a transaction or a single act. It's the moments tied together with spit and hair and jarring glances and thrusts. Its that moment when you wonder who made you God and whether you can make him gasp and squeak like he did just a second ago. You wonder why everyone else didn't bother even trying. I thought I looked silly putting my lips in odd places and rubbing the arch of your back with the heel of my foot as you went down on me and still managed to keep eye contact. Some people won't get it, others will bring their own bag of tricks. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Muse] Over time I've also noticed that if I actually see a lady having sex with another guy I completely lose interest in her as a possible lover or more, apparently forever. It's spooky how completely the image shuts me down. The first time I had sex with one of my boyfriends was during some group sex party that had found its way back to my apartment after the Queer Youth Group. We had been flirting for weeks and finally found a corner devoid of other penises. As things heated up, we ended up pushing off boys wanting to join our party until one of our mutual friends was overheard telling his partner that he needn't worry because he was self-lubing. We were left alone while the others explored the freak show across the room. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Muse] Maybe I can't stand seeing someone else having a good time : ). Maybe I'm a jealous pile. Maybe it's just not special anymore. Maybe I think she has bad taste and I don't want to be added to that set. Maybe I can't get the image out of my head EVER, and it makes the little head go to sleep. Maybe all these things. Probably ALL these things. I've known people who were born to be third wheels. Personally, every monage trois I've attempted has been a lame experience. Usually its because the dynamic between the other two has too much history for me to overlook, so I usually end up bailing out somewhere between ‘would you like a drink?' and ‘can you just fuck him so I can get some sleep tonight?' I'm always happy I'm not the one in the relationship. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Muse] I understand the need for and support the death penalty. Who cares if it deters others? The person who has murdered and it is applied to is permanently deterred and that's all I care about. I'm a smart guy who really tries to consider circumstances before coming to judgement on anything of significance. And yet, I've screwed up so many times that I don't think I could ever consider taking someone's life from them. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Muse] Not an eye for an eye but rather an exile/removal from life. A societal "You're OUT of here." Oh, I meant that guy. Not you…''. But your dead now…'' sorry. Oops. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Muse] I am pro choice AND pro second amendment. Politicians spend so much time pandering to one side or the other that all elections are an exercise in choosing the one who offends me the least. I think we should just shoot babies on their way out rather than risk an invasive abortion. I don't like guns, but I'm pro 2 nd amendment, because I believe people have the right to make bad decisions. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Muse] I am agnostic, believing that religion is the root of most evil. I believe ignorance is the root of all evil. So, we're in complete agreement. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Muse] I have been beaten, stabbed, hated, raped, robbed, reviled, kidnapped, spit upon and carjacked. I've had a pretty easy life. All of its complications are my own doing, and I do like to make things more difficult than necessary. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Muse] I have been loved, respected, adored, cherished, supported, lauded, envied, desired, pampered and needed. I never trust anyone who feels something for me that I am unable to feel for myself. To quote an ex-boyfriend, “Call me when you're willing to love yourself.” --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Muse] Life brings so many things, good and bad. Sometimes clowns are funny and sometimes they are scary. Personally, I never liked people in masks or people wearing reflective sunglasses. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Muse] I realize that my perceptions are shaped by my unique life experiences and that most are unlikely to share them. Fine with me. If everyone was like me there'd be alot less litter but it'd be an otherwise boring world : ). --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dude! Thanks for getting my litter. The wind just blew it out of my camp and I couldn't chase it or the entire camp may have blown away. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Muse] No matter how I end I am sure that the world is a little better for my having been here. I've saved lives, broken up rapes, testified against terrifying psychos resulting in their incarceration, prevented any number of atrocities by my presence and efforts. Sasquatch! You're not even a borderline case. Accept the love that you are and follow the path it guides you down. I do believe there may be something you're seeking waiting around one of those turns. You needn't look under every rock on the way. That will only slow you down. What you seek will be apparent when you get to the right place. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Muse] Providence would welcome me I think. Damn. Rhode Island couldn't handle you. Even New Jersey would have to break out of its box. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Muse] I sometimes think it'd be nice to die in my sleep, yesterday. I sometimes worry that I'll die without affecting anything. And then I understand why people breed. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Muse] I don't know why I'm still here. My friends are great, I seem to have a reasonable future. I'm just very unhappy with life. [you have the right to remain solemn] [anything you say, can and will be used in the court of public opinion] [you also have the right to get happy and forget that you ever felt like you did when you wrote this] --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Muse] Something's coming. Damn…''. Did I miss the sock? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Muse] Today is a bad day. At least it didn't get in your eye…'' I'll close the window next time.