...

Much fun happening now - just got back from seeing Laurie Anderson in Albuquerque - god, what an amazing artist and such an open and easy person too - I had a chance to meet her after the show at a gallery reception across the street from the small theater but I just sort of watched others meet her and thought to myself "I don't need to meet her like this" - something is changing in me - and I don't really feel any need to be famous or respected even - just happy to be. But man, see her in person if any of you reading this get a chance. She just has a way of touching the bottom of your soul and giving you the conflicting feelings of inspiration and a lingering sadness that you will never ever be able to make anything nearly as beautiful as what she has just given. So sweet.

My grandmother died recently and although this is a loss, it was sort of soothing in a way I"m not sure I can define right now. I'll need to think on that some more and then try to pen it. But partly I think it has to do with some new acceptance I've uncovered in myself about what happens in and around me and what part I can and cannot play in it all.

I'm talking a lot with my daughter who is poised on the precipice of adulthood and it makes me so happy to see how very well she's handling it - so honest, so rational, and so very willing to learn. She's taking steps herself to gather what she needs ahead of time - there's no time when she "needs" to leave and considering the financial climate, I have no issue with her sticking around a few more years, but of course, she wants to get out on her own and so we play with scenarios and work out the problems - she's fantastic. I'm humbled by her existence.

I've been doing some very bizarre (for me) things - having to do with setting up financial security - learning the fine art of really taking care of things - home, tools, garden, pool, and how to do these things with grace, being fully aware of the doing and the moment in which things get done. It's so small and so meaningful and I'm not really sure I'll ever "need" anything else, but of course, I'll do other things without needing to.

And somehow, people just keep streaming into my life - deep thinking, creative, vital people - like never before, I just keep bumping into amazing folks in this strangest of all places. I'm not really sure how to handle it all. I'm just trying to let it all flow and be right there as it's flowing past, and maybe that's why I just don't feel as much need to record it here.

Ah - life...

Well - if this is to be a documentation of these years of my life - then I've been slacking a bit - this week, an incredible woman died and in mourning her, I've been atuned to my own gratitude more than ever. S

he was my grandmother, and we didn't see eye to eye on much but her quality as a person filled with love was never in question. I imagine her figuring out ways to spread that around to the rest of us left behind. She was what could be described as "very religious" but I don't think she ever made a single person feel uncomfortable about not being like her. When she said "bless you" - you didn't feel like it was partly condemnation like often is the case with other religious folks - she lived in the mystical and truly spiritual - beyond dogma and earth level religious concerns. She BELIEVED - and although I don't share the particular belief she held, I hope she is happy to know that she opened the door for me to believe in anything at all. I hope this fantasy has some truth. She was already mentally gone with late stage alzheimers and a couple months ago I had a dream that seemed to point to her dying so I'm not surprised. I'll miss her, but I've been missing her for years - there is something though, in knowing that she's no longer here among us. In my dream, she had returned from a state almost like a spiritual walkabout - and looked like she'd found complete enlightenment - before heading into a doctor's office and disappearing, she held my face and said "I can see it now - in everything good there is a little bad, and even in the very bad there is a little good" The waiting room flooded with relatives and friends telling stories about her as you'd do at a funeral. So I knew...

I'm in Arizona now and living better than I ever have before. We have a studio and enough space for all our stuff. We live right in the heart of Mormon central but everyone is nice to us and if they're planning something, they hide the pitchforks well here in Stepford. We went to a burner party and I really like the burners here - smart, funny, and seemingly sane. We've also met a few really fun and interesting people outside that community - which is a whole lot quicker than either of us made friends in Colorado. We've only been here two months. There isn't a lot of fantastic art here but apparently there is some coming in from L.A. that is amazing - maybe it will be a trend.

I've surprised myself that I love the weather. I thought I might not but I'm enjoying it and rarely have had to turn on the A/C - although still waiting on the worst of it to see how that holds. I realized, as I was setting up the house and unpacking all our stuff that I've never had a decent house before - never had enough room, space for the things we have. I've had many people comment on how much stuff we have - but I realized with this move that we rally have less than most families of four - we just never had the right combination of rooms and storage and studio to accomodate it. Now that we do, I see how easy it is to keep a house nice and clean and organized and even a workspace too.

And things are just coming naturally and easily for us here - serendipity everywhere - it obviously was the right move - we'll sit and tell each other what we need for furniture, and the next day, a neighbor has exaclty that thing for sale for just what we want to pay and we just look out the window and see that it's so. Life is far cheaper here and having a pool and hot-tub makes it a lot nicer too.

So life isn't exciting right now - but it's extremely comfortable and kind and soft and happy. And when the studio is completed shortly - we'll take out the idea files we've been collecting and have decided to just start doing them all - every idea - just do it till it bores us or evolves or we decide to give it away.

Yeah - this is a good life. And well worth the hardship to get here. Hope all on the reading end of this are equally blessed.

Have you met your "genius"?

www.ted.com/index.php/ta...n_genius.html

Burning Man

Well, I've been monitoring and engaging in the Burning Man Tribe and really, for the first time in a long time, I'm feeling hopeful. I'm seeing the trickster element returning, and the majority of those speaking seem to be people who are thinking, objective, and like the people that made me fall in love with BM in the first place - open and tolerant while still speaking their minds, playing tricks, and having fun. They aren't taking some clique's word for things, are giving benefit of doubt, and being either respectful or funny - hey, if you can't be respectful - by all means, be funny!

It seems like the last few years there was a very heavy gossipy control and manipulation core in the communities and then a sort of war of this against the more anarchistic elements and both locally and seemingly in the tribes here, this seems to have reached a turning point. It's nice to be able to relate again to more people - not sure if they were missing, silent, or just outshouted before. But it sure does feel like something is changing and I'm pretty happy about that. Maybe it just needed to hit bottom (last year's burn from my perspective was as "bottom" as I want to go)

Radical Tolerance
Radical Self-Expression
Radical Self-Reliance

Returning... yay!

If

[IF]

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling


I sometimes type a random word into a search engine and see what comes up - for text and imagery. This is one of those times. Enjoy.

The image is from here:
www.flickr.com/photos/nad...2235294056/

Long... siiiiiiiiigggghhhh....

as in, to the bottom of my lungs, until there is no air left and then just a little more. That sort of vulnerable sigh you know you can let out when you feel safe, finally, again. You know - THAT sigh. Ahhhhhhhhhh...

And for so long, it seemed that the control freaks had the day. But now... now, everything is very very different. Sigh...

Art Project - "Cathedral"

Hello Burnery People,

We're working out the details of a large-scale sculpture for next year's burn. It's called "Cathedral" and is inspired by Raymond Carver's short story of the same name, which, if you haven't read - stop everything and read here:

www.ndsu.nodak.edu/instruct...dral2.htm

We're interpreting the theme of "Evolution" in a more emotional/ social context.

Several of those who made Facing Our Fears will work on this project and we're looking for other potential members. So - if you are a smartfunnyinterestinglovablesomewhatstablefreak who is looking for something to throw in on, would like a free or freeish ticket, and have some time and skills to spare - give us a yell. We're mostly up in the mountains in the Aspen Valley and Summit County but may have a few things that could be done elsewhere - always appreciate brainstorming, travel help, or what-have-you/ surprise-us-with-your-original-method-of-artistic-support.

We have an architect/ engineer type - but could use other input here as it will be fairly large.

Here's a preliminary list of needs to make this project a reality:

Many hands - some skilled, some not necessary - fiberglass, carpentry, some electrical, lighting...
Space - outdoors - we probalby have the indoors and small work area covered but will need a large yard area to build the final piece for shipment. This can be outside the Aspen Valley area but would have to be free if it were. Preferably in Aspen Valley or close to that area.
Transportation - probably a semi - if you know of someone who can rent a little cheaper than going rate... we'd rather not ask for grant money to give this outside the community.
Rebar and chicken-wire - if you happen to have some you don't need anymore.
An airbrush artist or five - we have two airbrush sets - we will need a paint sprayer.
Your ideas. Really. Once we've collected the interested parties and put the main structure together we'll host a little gathering here pn a weekend this fall to brainstorm and finalize the plans and the grant-proposal. Please give us your brains in exchange for a nice weekend getaway - only a little less zombi-like than that sounded. Unless that's your thing - in which case, mmmm... brains.

All of this depends on funding as, of course, none of us is independently wealthy - but we've received a grant before, and we've found other funding before for other projects, so it's a possibility if not a probability. This group has completed one large-scale funded project for Burning Man, and won several awards for snow-sculptures for Aspen Winterskol. Individually the members are artists, architects, engineers, writers, and comedians, parents and general intellectual goofballs and have compiled a long list of completed and award-winning projects. Drop me an email for more info.

Image is of Gaudi'supside-down load-bearing model of La Sagrada Familia
La Sagrada Familia, 1882

Find out more here:
www.flickr.com/photos/170.../833331847/

Swinging Fate

I had the craziest week. It started with a whollotta bad luck. I went out to NY because my ex was shutting down our old house and I needed to move the stuff I had stored there. I spent several days in various airports - apparently some pilots were having an unofficial strike and many planes were grounded leaving us standby's on terminal hold. On Monday I was told that I'd probably not get on a plane that week. I then rented a car and drove from Chicago to Denver and then in my own car over the mountains to Glenwood Springs. I finally made it back to work Wednesday and had lost two days on the construction of the Abundance Tree so we had to hustle - at work I had tons to clean up and then I'd catch buses over to Mark's (did I mention that my car died the morning after returning from Denver?) Sigh. We finally got the tree done and installed in place on Friday night - a day or so later than I'd planned but not bad considering the circumstances. I wasn't particularly happy with the finished product - I love the concept but with this iteration we were making a prototype for what I'd like to travel with - a woven design made with discarded branches. But we decided to leave some leaves on some of the top branches and I think that made it look messy.

But then it was as if my karma train switched tracks - We got some awesome press on the tree - including front page Sunday morning in the Post Independent and Aspen Times. I won a ticket to see the Dalai Lama speak at the Aspen Institute. I started to see the way clear for some ideas that I've been working on - how I could weave them together to make a living - how I could use my newly uncovered organizational abilities to further my creative career. I ended up being paid a little more than expected for the tree which essentially means that I have enough after paying for the parts to buy everyone who worked on it a few drinks but still - it's nice to turn a profit - no matter how small. And it's a prototype that I think will open up a lot of good in the future.

I'm so glad I moved back up here. I love the opportunities - it's always been such a good place for me. I just couldn't get Denver - I hated the commute which was five times shorter than the one I have now - but so much less beautiful. I hated the party scene - I love a good party, but the scene is so useless. It's such a waste of good energy. When I was up here before we created - we were always creating projects and making them happen. In Denver, it was hard to gather three people for anything that didn't involve tits and ass or pharmaceuticals. And I just couldn't find the good in that. The backbiting and gossip was outrageous and again - none of that here - or at least in such small amounts that it's more than manageable. Everything here is easier too - it seems from the outside that it's more expensive - gas is more, food and lodging - but there are these hidden costs to living in Denver - and they rack up a bill that you don't realize you're paying. Somehow we have money here - we have a nice place to live, and we have opportunities. We couldn't figure out how to do that in Denver. So people say that when you run to somewhere new, you're still there - it's a valid point, but not always true. Sometimes, it really is where you live and whether it matches the kind of person you are. I don't know if this place matches me completely, but I know that I meet more interesting and exciting people here, that I have opportunities here, and that I always seem able to get amazing jobs here. I also create more, get fabulous press, and feel free from the pressure to conform - things that didn't seem to exist in Denver.

Dear Journal

What a wacky ride. It's been three years since we started this thing and I've pretty much left you by the wayside with a whole lot of other things I played around with during that time. Remember how we started? Climbing that mountain? I think the beginning of next month, I'm going to convince Mark and Will and all the kids to go climb it again - only this time, we'll be better prepared and make it to the very top. That mountain is more than a metaphor now - my metaphors have become my realities. Thanks to your blank unjudging pages I've been able to work my way out of the victim suit and into the success suit. Being able to get "me" outside of my head, detached from myself and able to poke and prod and be poked and prodded allowed me to adjust all the right places. I don't invite fucked up people into my life anymore - but I can let them live along side of me - I accept the world exactly as it is, and build the fences that keep the neighborhood happy. I understand so much more than I did three years ago - it's impossible to document it all. There is an ease now in the way I do things. I am still stretching far beyond any perceived limit - but not in a way that spins my flight out of control.

Every day I wake up on my deck - sleeping under a brightly decorated shade-structure. I look at the beautiful man sleeping next to me and my strangely matching pets (unplanned) and just feel - good. You know, content. And I always thought continued contentment would lead to paralysis - that's the lie we're told and ultimately tell ourselves. That creativity can't be a part of this. But I'm more creative. More able to actually complete things - all things. My mind isn't wasting its time being creative about things that hurt - like money and love, and friendships. With these bases covered, I can throw all that power into making something wonderful to give the world.

I saw Christo and Jeanne Claude speak in Aspen and got to meet them and shake their hands. Christo is really one of my art heros. I lot of Burners don't know a lot about him and what he really is about and so don't know how his work really laid the groundwork for BM even being able to be manifest. Two things keep coming back to me that they said. One is an answer in response to a question someone asked about what they tell young artists about how to be successful. They said that they tell the same things and it's this: Success is easy - if you work seventeen hours a day at any one thing, you WILL be successful. The hard part is finding the thing you will gladly spend that sort of time doing.

The second thing was that Christo kept reiterating that there was no "purpose" for his art. He did it for himself, because he wanted to see it realized. I've been in some interesting discussions with people over this and Christo actually went further and said that anything with a purpose is "propaganda" - a word chosen to illicit an intense response. When you really think about it, he's right, but then, I don't know if that makes it necessarily something less that art. And he didn't specify - I'm sure he just wanted to evoke - I saw much of the trickster in him. But creativity is this very personal thing and one of the major shifts in my thinking about my own was to recognize the "why" in what I was doing. Was I doing this for a reason? What was that reason - this for everything from relationships to art to jobs. And in the process, I've been able to come closer and closer to something authentic - and in the process care less and less what other people are up to.

So my journey - led me to a very egoic place - with very egoic people, in order to see the full spectrum of the reality I was dealing with both inside my head and out. And then ended up back where I thought I was, but with authenticity. Funny ride you have going on here you makers of the everything. I wonder what happens next...

More Happy Days.

I'm finding that I NEED to take a little break in the middle of the day and noodle around and happily, I'm in a perfect position to just carve that out without a need to explain - man that's nice. I'm also finding that I prefer a life filled with a lot to do. I really love working my brain like this - to capacity. I love being bribed. I love meeting new people - especially the outrageously creative people that I meet now. I love figuring things out and finding creative ways to get things done. I even love figuring out how to handle it when people yell at me, blame me, etc. - I seem to have worked this issue out pretty well in my brain and no longer think in terms of excuses - I've learned through the events of the last year and this great job, to never stop asking for what I need - instead of making excuses and defending myself. It's so strange and so great to be where I am right now. This is so me.

I know it's just freaking awful text for someone to continuously keep saying how happy they are - which is, perhaps why I don't write here often, but man, this is really so different from where I was last year - the people I was hanging with (with some notable and enduring exceptions) and the scene - the going no-where, to the going higher, the pull each other down with gossip, to the help each other reach new heights, the no money, hippy-dippy, take advantage and call you negative when you finally say "enough of this crap" to the "what can we do to make your life easier?" It's night and day. And I think I'm really suited for day.