Moments of Clarity in the Usual Miasma

...

Passion-com-Passion — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 21:11:44 GMT

Much fun happening now - just got back from seeing Laurie Anderson in Albuquerque - god, what an amazing artist and such an open and easy person too - I had a chance to meet her after the show at a gallery reception across the street from the small theater but I just sort of watched others meet her and thought to myself "I don't need to meet her like this" - something is changing in me - and I don't really feel any need to be famous or respected even - just happy to be. But man, see her in person if any of you reading this get a chance. She just has a way of touching the bottom of your soul and giving you the conflicting feelings of inspiration and a lingering sadness that you will never ever be able to make anything nearly as beautiful as what she has just given. So sweet. My grandmother died recently and although this is a loss, it was sort of soothing in a way I"m not sure I can define right now. I'll need to think on that some more and then try to pen it. But partly I think it has to do with some new acceptance I've uncovered in myself about what happens in and around me and what part I can and cannot play in it all. I'm talking a lot with my daughter who is poised on the precipice of adulthood and it makes me so happy to see how very well she's handling it - so honest, so rational, and so very willing to learn. She's taking steps herself to gather what she needs ahead of time - there's no time when she "needs" to leave and considering the financial climate, I have no issue with her sticking around a few more years, but of course, she wants to get out on her own and so we play with scenarios and work out the problems - she's fantastic. I'm humbled by her existence. I've been doing some very bizarre (for me) things - having to do with setting up financial security - learning the fine art of really taking care of things - home, tools, garden, pool, and how to do these things with grace, being fully aware of the doing and the moment in which things get done. It's so small and so meaningful and I'm not really sure I'll ever "need" anything else, but of course, I'll do other things without needing to. And somehow, people just keep streaming into my life - deep thinking, creative, vital people - like never before, I just keep bumping into amazing folks in this strangest of all places. I'm not really sure how to handle it all. I'm just trying to let it all flow and be right there as it's flowing past, and maybe that's why I just don't feel as much need to record it here.

Ah - life...

Passion-com-Passion — Sat, 30 May 2009 09:30:41 GMT

Well - if this is to be a documentation of these years of my life - then I've been slacking a bit - this week, an incredible woman died and in mourning her, I've been atuned to my own gratitude more than ever. S he was my grandmother, and we didn't see eye to eye on much but her quality as a person filled with love was never in question. I imagine her figuring out ways to spread that around to the rest of us left behind. She was what could be described as "very religious" but I don't think she ever made a single person feel uncomfortable about not being like her. When she said "bless you" - you didn't feel like it was partly condemnation like often is the case with other religious folks - she lived in the mystical and truly spiritual - beyond dogma and earth level religious concerns. She BELIEVED - and although I don't share the particular belief she held, I hope she is happy to know that she opened the door for me to believe in anything at all. I hope this fantasy has some truth. She was already mentally gone with late stage alzheimers and a couple months ago I had a dream that seemed to point to her dying so I'm not surprised. I'll miss her, but I've been missing her for years - there is something though, in knowing that she's no longer here among us. In my dream, she had returned from a state almost like a spiritual walkabout - and looked like she'd found complete enlightenment - before heading into a doctor's office and disappearing, she held my face and said "I can see it now - in everything good there is a little bad, and even in the very bad there is a little good" The waiting room flooded with relatives and friends telling stories about her as you'd do at a funeral. So I knew... I'm in Arizona now and living better than I ever have before. We have a studio and enough space for all our stuff. We live right in the heart of Mormon central but everyone is nice to us and if they're planning something, they hide the pitchforks well here in Stepford. We went to a burner party and I really like the burners here - smart, funny, and seemingly sane. We've also met a few really fun and interesting people outside that community - which is a whole lot quicker than either of us made friends in Colorado. We've only been here two months. There isn't a lot of fantastic art here but apparently there is some coming in from L.A. that is amazing - maybe it will be a trend. I've surprised myself that I love the weather. I thought I might not but I'm enjoying it and rarely have had to turn on the A/C - although still waiting on the worst of it to see how that holds. I realized, as I was setting up the house and unpacking all our stuff that I've never had a decent house before - never had enough room, space for the things we have. I've had many people comment on how much stuff we have - but I realized with this move that we rally have less than most families of four - we just never had the right combination of rooms and storage and studio to accomodate it. Now that we do, I see how easy it is to keep a house nice and clean and organized and even a workspace too. And things are just coming naturally and easily for us here - serendipity everywhere - it obviously was the right move - we'll sit and tell each other what we need for furniture, and the next day, a neighbor has exaclty that thing for sale for just what we want to pay and we just look out the window and see that it's so. Life is far cheaper here and having a pool and hot-tub makes it a lot nicer too. So life isn't exciting right now - but it's extremely comfortable and kind and soft and happy. And when the studio is completed shortly - we'll take out the idea files we've been collecting and have decided to just start doing them all - every idea - just do it till it bores us or evolves or we decide to give it away. Yeah - this is a good life. And well worth the hardship to get here. Hope all on the reading end of this are equally blessed.

Have you met your "genius"?

Passion-com-Passion — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 02:58:16 GMT

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html

Burning Man

Passion-com-Passion — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 22:14:43 GMT

Well, I've been monitoring and engaging in the Burning Man Tribe and really, for the first time in a long time, I'm feeling hopeful. I'm seeing the trickster element returning, and the majority of those speaking seem to be people who are thinking, objective, and like the people that made me fall in love with BM in the first place - open and tolerant while still speaking their minds, playing tricks, and having fun. They aren't taking some clique's word for things, are giving benefit of doubt, and being either respectful or funny - hey, if you can't be respectful - by all means, be funny! It seems like the last few years there was a very heavy gossipy control and manipulation core in the communities and then a sort of war of this against the more anarchistic elements and both locally and seemingly in the tribes here, this seems to have reached a turning point. It's nice to be able to relate again to more people - not sure if they were missing, silent, or just outshouted before. But it sure does feel like something is changing and I'm pretty happy about that. Maybe it just needed to hit bottom (last year's burn from my perspective was as "bottom" as I want to go) Radical Tolerance Radical Self-Expression Radical Self-Reliance Returning... yay!

If

Passion-com-Passion — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 23:42:08 GMT

[IF] If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you But make allowance for their doubting too, If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or being hated, don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise: If you can dream--and not make dreams your master, If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools: If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breath a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!" If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch, If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you; If all men count with you, but none too much, If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds' worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son! --Rudyard Kipling I sometimes type a random word into a search engine and see what comes up - for text and imagery. This is one of those times. Enjoy. The image is from here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/nadie1101/2235294056/

Long... siiiiiiiiigggghhhh....

Passion-com-Passion — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 03:11:24 GMT

as in, to the bottom of my lungs, until there is no air left and then just a little more. That sort of vulnerable sigh you know you can let out when you feel safe, finally, again. You know - THAT sigh. Ahhhhhhhhhh... And for so long, it seemed that the control freaks had the day. But now... now, everything is very very different. Sigh...

Art Project - "Cathedral"

Passion-com-Passion — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 04:04:36 GMT

Hello Burnery People, We're working out the details of a large-scale sculpture for next year's burn. It's called "Cathedral" and is inspired by Raymond Carver's short story of the same name, which, if you haven't read - stop everything and read here: http://www.ndsu.nodak.edu/instruct/cinichol/GovSchool/Cathedral2.htm We're interpreting the theme of "Evolution" in a more emotional/ social context. Several of those who made Facing Our Fears will work on this project and we're looking for other potential members. So - if you are a smartfunnyinterestinglovablesomewhatstablefreak who is looking for something to throw in on, would like a free or freeish ticket, and have some time and skills to spare - give us a yell. We're mostly up in the mountains in the Aspen Valley and Summit County but may have a few things that could be done elsewhere - always appreciate brainstorming, travel help, or what-have-you/ surprise-us-with-your-original-method-of-artistic-support. We have an architect/ engineer type - but could use other input here as it will be fairly large. Here's a preliminary list of needs to make this project a reality: Many hands - some skilled, some not necessary - fiberglass, carpentry, some electrical, lighting... Space - outdoors - we probalby have the indoors and small work area covered but will need a large yard area to build the final piece for shipment. This can be outside the Aspen Valley area but would have to be free if it were. Preferably in Aspen Valley or close to that area. Transportation - probably a semi - if you know of someone who can rent a little cheaper than going rate... we'd rather not ask for grant money to give this outside the community. Rebar and chicken-wire - if you happen to have some you don't need anymore. An airbrush artist or five - we have two airbrush sets - we will need a paint sprayer. Your ideas. Really. Once we've collected the interested parties and put the main structure together we'll host a little gathering here pn a weekend this fall to brainstorm and finalize the plans and the grant-proposal. Please give us your brains in exchange for a nice weekend getaway - only a little less zombi-like than that sounded. Unless that's your thing - in which case, mmmm... brains. All of this depends on funding as, of course, none of us is independently wealthy - but we've received a grant before, and we've found other funding before for other projects, so it's a possibility if not a probability. This group has completed one large-scale funded project for Burning Man, and won several awards for snow-sculptures for Aspen Winterskol. Individually the members are artists, architects, engineers, writers, and comedians, parents and general intellectual goofballs and have compiled a long list of completed and award-winning projects. Drop me an email for more info. Image is of Gaudi'supside-down load-bearing model of La Sagrada Familia La Sagrada Familia, 1882 Find out more here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/17067850@N00/833331847/

Swinging Fate

Passion-com-Passion — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 14:07:02 GMT

I had the craziest week. It started with a whollotta bad luck. I went out to NY because my ex was shutting down our old house and I needed to move the stuff I had stored there. I spent several days in various airports - apparently some pilots were having an unofficial strike and many planes were grounded leaving us standby's on terminal hold. On Monday I was told that I'd probably not get on a plane that week. I then rented a car and drove from Chicago to Denver and then in my own car over the mountains to Glenwood Springs. I finally made it back to work Wednesday and had lost two days on the construction of the Abundance Tree so we had to hustle - at work I had tons to clean up and then I'd catch buses over to Mark's (did I mention that my car died the morning after returning from Denver?) Sigh. We finally got the tree done and installed in place on Friday night - a day or so later than I'd planned but not bad considering the circumstances. I wasn't particularly happy with the finished product - I love the concept but with this iteration we were making a prototype for what I'd like to travel with - a woven design made with discarded branches. But we decided to leave some leaves on some of the top branches and I think that made it look messy. But then it was as if my karma train switched tracks - We got some awesome press on the tree - including front page Sunday morning in the Post Independent and Aspen Times. I won a ticket to see the Dalai Lama speak at the Aspen Institute. I started to see the way clear for some ideas that I've been working on - how I could weave them together to make a living - how I could use my newly uncovered organizational abilities to further my creative career. I ended up being paid a little more than expected for the tree which essentially means that I have enough after paying for the parts to buy everyone who worked on it a few drinks but still - it's nice to turn a profit - no matter how small. And it's a prototype that I think will open up a lot of good in the future. I'm so glad I moved back up here. I love the opportunities - it's always been such a good place for me. I just couldn't get Denver - I hated the commute which was five times shorter than the one I have now - but so much less beautiful. I hated the party scene - I love a good party, but the scene is so useless. It's such a waste of good energy. When I was up here before we created - we were always creating projects and making them happen. In Denver, it was hard to gather three people for anything that didn't involve tits and ass or pharmaceuticals. And I just couldn't find the good in that. The backbiting and gossip was outrageous and again - none of that here - or at least in such small amounts that it's more than manageable. Everything here is easier too - it seems from the outside that it's more expensive - gas is more, food and lodging - but there are these hidden costs to living in Denver - and they rack up a bill that you don't realize you're paying. Somehow we have money here - we have a nice place to live, and we have opportunities. We couldn't figure out how to do that in Denver. So people say that when you run to somewhere new, you're still there - it's a valid point, but not always true. Sometimes, it really is where you live and whether it matches the kind of person you are. I don't know if this place matches me completely, but I know that I meet more interesting and exciting people here, that I have opportunities here, and that I always seem able to get amazing jobs here. I also create more, get fabulous press, and feel free from the pressure to conform - things that didn't seem to exist in Denver.

Dear Journal

Passion-com-Passion — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 04:23:56 GMT

What a wacky ride. It's been three years since we started this thing and I've pretty much left you by the wayside with a whole lot of other things I played around with during that time. Remember how we started? Climbing that mountain? I think the beginning of next month, I'm going to convince Mark and Will and all the kids to go climb it again - only this time, we'll be better prepared and make it to the very top. That mountain is more than a metaphor now - my metaphors have become my realities. Thanks to your blank unjudging pages I've been able to work my way out of the victim suit and into the success suit. Being able to get "me" outside of my head, detached from myself and able to poke and prod and be poked and prodded allowed me to adjust all the right places. I don't invite fucked up people into my life anymore - but I can let them live along side of me - I accept the world exactly as it is, and build the fences that keep the neighborhood happy. I understand so much more than I did three years ago - it's impossible to document it all. There is an ease now in the way I do things. I am still stretching far beyond any perceived limit - but not in a way that spins my flight out of control. Every day I wake up on my deck - sleeping under a brightly decorated shade-structure. I look at the beautiful man sleeping next to me and my strangely matching pets (unplanned) and just feel - good. You know, content. And I always thought continued contentment would lead to paralysis - that's the lie we're told and ultimately tell ourselves. That creativity can't be a part of this. But I'm more creative. More able to actually complete things - all things. My mind isn't wasting its time being creative about things that hurt - like money and love, and friendships. With these bases covered, I can throw all that power into making something wonderful to give the world. I saw Christo and Jeanne Claude speak in Aspen and got to meet them and shake their hands. Christo is really one of my art heros. I lot of Burners don't know a lot about him and what he really is about and so don't know how his work really laid the groundwork for BM even being able to be manifest. Two things keep coming back to me that they said. One is an answer in response to a question someone asked about what they tell young artists about how to be successful. They said that they tell the same things and it's this: Success is easy - if you work seventeen hours a day at any one thing, you WILL be successful. The hard part is finding the thing you will gladly spend that sort of time doing. The second thing was that Christo kept reiterating that there was no "purpose" for his art. He did it for himself, because he wanted to see it realized. I've been in some interesting discussions with people over this and Christo actually went further and said that anything with a purpose is "propaganda" - a word chosen to illicit an intense response. When you really think about it, he's right, but then, I don't know if that makes it necessarily something less that art. And he didn't specify - I'm sure he just wanted to evoke - I saw much of the trickster in him. But creativity is this very personal thing and one of the major shifts in my thinking about my own was to recognize the "why" in what I was doing. Was I doing this for a reason? What was that reason - this for everything from relationships to art to jobs. And in the process, I've been able to come closer and closer to something authentic - and in the process care less and less what other people are up to. So my journey - led me to a very egoic place - with very egoic people, in order to see the full spectrum of the reality I was dealing with both inside my head and out. And then ended up back where I thought I was, but with authenticity. Funny ride you have going on here you makers of the everything. I wonder what happens next...

More Happy Days.

Passion-com-Passion — Fri, 16 May 2008 19:03:45 GMT

I'm finding that I NEED to take a little break in the middle of the day and noodle around and happily, I'm in a perfect position to just carve that out without a need to explain - man that's nice. I'm also finding that I prefer a life filled with a lot to do. I really love working my brain like this - to capacity. I love being bribed. I love meeting new people - especially the outrageously creative people that I meet now. I love figuring things out and finding creative ways to get things done. I even love figuring out how to handle it when people yell at me, blame me, etc. - I seem to have worked this issue out pretty well in my brain and no longer think in terms of excuses - I've learned through the events of the last year and this great job, to never stop asking for what I need - instead of making excuses and defending myself. It's so strange and so great to be where I am right now. This is so me. I know it's just freaking awful text for someone to continuously keep saying how happy they are - which is, perhaps why I don't write here often, but man, this is really so different from where I was last year - the people I was hanging with (with some notable and enduring exceptions) and the scene - the going no-where, to the going higher, the pull each other down with gossip, to the help each other reach new heights, the no money, hippy-dippy, take advantage and call you negative when you finally say "enough of this crap" to the "what can we do to make your life easier?" It's night and day. And I think I'm really suited for day.

Toast

Passion-com-Passion — Wed, 14 May 2008 22:48:11 GMT

Well - I had my faith restored that some Burner scenes are still about community and not just about party - are still being run by people who care and not being used as a vehicle for self-promotion. This is a good thing. I met some great people and saw some great friends I haven't seen in a while. Traveled with a very capable and low-drama friend. What a freaking difference! I guess I'll wait out the eventual fall of the playground bullies and keep my feet in my community or maybe move to one that is a little more my speed. AZ people really are friendly, helpful, smart as hell, and oh so inviting. Sorry to you know who that said "when you know something is good you keep it to yourself" - I think there may be more people out there looking for what the regionals used to be and they deserve to know it still exists. Thanks AZ for the great time and restored faith! Image is from here: http://hackedgadgets.com/2007/04/26/cnc-toast-graphics/ Kinda cool and weird.

Goofing Off

Passion-com-Passion — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 17:46:58 GMT

Wow, I don't know why but this is a goofing off day. Specifically, I haven't answered any of my messages at work, nor have I done any paperwork. I'm just sort of futzing - doing a little bit of this and that and then shopping for socks online. This just doesn't happen to me anymore but I think I just reached that point of exhaustion and needed to let off a little steam. I'm also leaving early and going to play at the community center in the pool with my kiddles. Yay for working hard, and yay for not working when I need to.

What My Dying Car Teaches Me

Passion-com-Passion — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 14:33:22 GMT

I'm a woman who pays attention - perhaps too much attention. I believe that the experiences I have are lessons waiting for me to discover - this past year, many of those lessons have been about setting boundaries and having less expectation - a strange combination but a workable one. This morning, on my long commute to Aspen, my car, which is on her last leg, slowed down to forty for no particular reason and stayed there for a good long time. I put on the flashers and let off the gas to match her needs. Gasping for air, but still plugging along, I just humored her and eventually she decided to sprint again. All the mad, dashing folks around me - the movers and shakers of Aspen - they were flipping me off and honking. And that's when I realized - I don't give a royal fuck anymore what people think. Just me and my car, putting along - this is what has to be right now. I'm not thinking "Oh crap, I need a new car so I don't piss off these COMPLETE STRANGERS who have this expectation that they will be able to make that commute every day with no delays. I didn't even get angry at them for not understanding my predicament. I just looked at them. Really hard - quizzically even and sort of smiled. I dont' owe any explanations. I'm just doing my thing and sometimes it's going to bump into your thing and well, then we'll just all have to deal with it - won't we? But what a change - only last year, I would have thought about how I could change to better meet expectations of others - and faster. I felt it imperative to do so. And now, I just don't. Huh. And it came directly from standing up and yelling at the powers that be - right in the face of it all - owning that, owning the consequences of it, and just being in it - it came from facing down my own insecurities when yet another jealous person tried to take from me - it came from courage in the face of it all. I dredged my soul and in the muck and shit there, I found something so fucking valuable that I don't even know how to describe it except in these odd little parables. I'm watching friends right now go through so many of the same things and there is no way to even tell them "shut down, look inward, own all this crap - it's all you, dig deeper, rage, discover who you really are and figure out how to really love that person - not say you love yourself because it's what is expected - not do ANYTHING that is expected - just find out what you really ARE." I can't say that - it's too fucking scary. No one wants to go through that - the cost, it's a doozy - give it all up - everything you have - the people, the scene, the standing, whatever. But wow - I wish I could show that everything you really want is on the other side. Peace, love, ease of movement, stress-free living, even money - weirdly so easy to get now. I don't know how to tell it. But I know how to live it now. Image is: “Monogram,” combine painting (mixed media) by Robert Rauschenberg, 1959 And can be seen here: http://www.britannica.com/eb/art-4061/Monogram-combine-painting-by-Robert-Rauschenberg-1959-in-the-Moderna

On not giving up... my origami metaphor.

Passion-com-Passion — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 14:12:32 GMT

Last year this girl I know showed me this great complex modular origami called fireworks - picture above if I"m lucky enough to find a static pic of it. I LOVE things that move that look like they shouldn't. She said I couldn't take it apart and I tried to figure out how it was made but it's so interlocked it was impossible. Finally I found a YouTube explainin it and this little girl and I sat down and figured out how to do it - watching the video over and over, stopping it, rewinding, messing up, trying again. And finally, we put one together - I have it sitting on my desk here. Every time I play with this toy that I made, I remind myself how the world works - everything is just like making this complex toy out of nothing but paper - maybe you were born with a silver spoon, but you still have something that you just cannot figure out. And figuring it out is just a matter of trying and failing, trying and failing, taking your time, building one piece of the puzzle at a time, as perfectly as you can so that when the time comes to fit them all together, you can do so relatively seamlessly. And if it doesn't work - you go back to those small pieces and tweak them again until it does. And then one day, all the pieces work together and life becomes play - an amazing toy that folds in on itself and gives joy and amazement. But oh... the struggle with those tiny pieces! See "fireworks" in action here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0vMy5POPNk And find out how to do it yourself - well, I'm gunna let you go search for that on your own! Happy hunting.

...

Passion-com-Passion — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 23:08:31 GMT

Yesterday at work, I got it. You know, that point when you just start to own a job and you know you're going to do well in it? I got that. I stayed until 8:30 at night but I got it - got all the stuff I had been scratching my head over figured out - got a full list of everything that I needed to do, figure out, own up to all written down and picked the top five to tack the next day - today. Then I just dug in and did them. And now I feel so freaking free. I really feel good about this. I went home at 3:00 - gave myself a half day off. And now am enjoying a couple of drinks. It's so strange, how out of control you can feel and then, almost over-night you can change your brain by just looking things squarely in the eye. It's not easy, but man, it's worth it. I've never felt more at peace, more at home, more useful. I've never felt like I could handle this much, or that I was building, like I do now. I needed the other - I needed to find my way through the chaos. But I'm really glad to not be treading water in it anymore.

This stuff still freaks me out...

Passion-com-Passion — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 22:02:45 GMT

Been a long time since I did this. I just did an online tarot reading and it was pretty interesting - there's a mention of a death - and it really seems to speak to where my mind is at right now. The first card, the significator, is placed in the center of the cross. This card represents the prime energy manifest in your life. Page of Swords: The essence of air behaving as earth, such as a steady wind: The approach of an unexpected challenge, to be met with clear thought and just action. A person filled with an eager appetite for all matters of mind and logic. The gathering of information through unfaltering vigilance, careful examination, and subtle spycraft. The use of reason or eloquent speech to penetrate the veil of confusion and cut to the heart of the matter. The second card, placed above the significator, represents Air. It describes your spirit, process of thought, and the influence of reason. Nine of Swords (Cruelty): Debilitating mental anguish or ill health. Being dragged down by the dishonor of others. Participation in a shameful or regrettable act. Inescapable guilt, mistrust, and doubt. May indicate a death or other catastrophic loss. The third card, placed to the right of the significator, represents Fire. It describes your motivations, creative energies, and the influence of passion. King of Wands: The essence of fire behaving as air, such as lightning: A great and daring leader who inspires others to rise to challenges alongside him. An artist who can take hold of an idea and make it a reality through bold action. One who is forceful, charismatic, and honest, leading by example, but unafraid to invest authority in others. A dashing and magnetic personality, carrying authority naturally, and striking at the world with swiftness and grace. The fourth card, placed below the significator, represents Water. It describes your emotions, meditations, and the influence of love. Knight of Swords: The essence of air behaving as fire, such as a tornado: A fearless and skillful warrior, unfettered by emotion or material concerns. One able to boldly take on challenges that others consider terrifying or insurmountable. A person who inspires fear and awe through the purity of their purpose and the intensity of their intellect. Speaking frankly, in an outspoken manner, and with great influence. May portend the swift initiation or conclusion of a conflict, through the decisive invocation of force. The fifth card, placed to the left of the significator represents Earth. It describes your physical presence, position in life, and the influence of the material world. Seven of Wands (Valor): Standing courageously for your beliefs in the face of adversity. Fear of failure overcome by the will to succeed. Great obstacles met with heroism and determination. Inner strength brought to bear at a critical moment. At this point the cross is complete and the triangle is formed. The sixth card, placed on the bottom left of the triangle represents one of two opposing forces. Queen of Pentacles: The essence of earth behaving as water, such as a hot spring: A warm and generous host, providing shelter and comfort for all who would seek it. A person steadfast, practical, and domestic, able to create opulence and stability in any setting. The qualities of maturity and sensibility, coupled with an innate appreciation for nature and the material world. The seventh card, placed on the bottom right of the triangle represents the force that opposes the bottom left card. These forces may be external, but they are frequently one's own inner archetypes in conflict. Four of Swords (Truce): A time of tranquility and intellectual repose in the midst of a great struggle. A temporary retreat from stress to regather inner strength, reaffirm convictions, reorganize thoughts, and formulate a new plan. The need for vigilance in a moment of calm. May suggest a withdrawal from the material world to find spiritual guidance. The eighth card, the reconciler, is placed below the cross in the third vertex of the triangle. This is the force that will resolve the conflict between the bottom left and bottom right cards. By meditating on this force and bringing more of it into your life, you can bring the matter at hand to a swifter conclusion than would naturally occur. Page of Wands: The essence of fire behaving as earth, such as wood or coal: The surprising appearance of a new passion. An adventurer who blazes through life, acting as a catalyst that others may harness. The intense enthusiasm and childlike imagination that fuels any new venture, needing only the application of mind and material to make it a success. Inner fire that can drive away fear and replace it with fury. Can represent a person of some timidity, but whose innate passion can be easily ignited. May indicate the birth of a child. The ninth and final card, placed in the center bottom of the triangle, represents the final outcome unless you change course. Two of Swords (Peace): Contradictory characteristics brought together as a means of resolving a conflict. Refusing to be ruled by negative emotions. Strife brought to a close through clarity of mind and restraint of force. Turning a blind eye to the minor infractions of others.

Soldier On...

Passion-com-Passion — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 18:39:25 GMT

There are times in life, when we just have to keep walking. There are times when humility is the right approach. God it's hard to figure this all out - and made harder still by the unspoken rule of "fake it till you make it" - what a bunch of crap. I will NOT fake it till I make it and cause even more crap to be dumped on the next one down the line. I will NOT pretend to be a robot and live in fear. However, I will be acutely aware of what is happening - not only in my immediate world, but all around. I want to be sustainable - my lifestyle, yes, but more than that - I want me, my emotional state, my job, my friends, my life in all it's levels to be sustainable - but not boring, and not fear filled. I came into work today thinking I would need to quit this job that I really love. I felt like I have before - that the elements were conspiring against me - my car, putt putt putting me along barely running now at 45 mph - that's a very long trip from Glenwood to Aspen I'll have you know. Blue smoke puffing out the back all the while like an old man counting his days and playing his final chess game while he wreathes his head in cigar smoke. I tried to work a little from home over the weekend and was thwarted by a downed server. I had a report due that I'd been given late Friday afternoon. My assistant is out and I'm doing both our jobs and it was insinuated briefly that I needed to be able to carry both of these positions in my first month as though I'd been fully trained and could. I sort of lost it over the weekend - thinking "why can't people have reasonable expectations?" I'm working twelve hour days - I have a 140 IQ - I was a freaking honor student - I'm neither dumb or lazy - if I can't do this job - these jobs rather, it's because it's not possible. I spun with this and the "unfairness" thing for a long while and then I thought - ya know, people will do what they will do, they will either be fair or not and I'm going to have to deal with it - that doesn't mean I have to live with it - but I need to make a plan to get away if that's what I want. And driving to work today, I thougth - I do not want to work anywhere that has outrageous expectations of me. And I won't. So my boss came into my office this morning and asked how I was doing and I said "I'm thinking I am not going to be able to do what you expect of me and the right thing to do seems to be to tell you sooner rather than later. And you know what - he started asking me what he could do to help me make this possible. So then we find out that my assistant - her husband just died. Holy fuck. Really - what is this all about? What is all of this about? Is making art and music more important than this woman's husband? Hell fucking no. Is getting some sort of accolades from people who don't even know you worth not even being able to be with y our family during your time together because you're worried about work? No. No. Never again - this is a lesson for me - and I know exactly how to set these boundaries now. There's a darkness all around right now, but not evil - just sadness, and struggle. And everyone here are telling each other - we need to soldier on. I was reminded of working out in the desert on that sculpture - the soldiering - the putting your head down so the sun didn't zap you - working in the shade of what we were trying to build. Not entirely sure if this was a gift or a means to brag - or both - but knowing I had to keep doing it anyway. That's soldiering on. Doing it, even when you aren't sure why you're doing it - there's faith in that. And I'm not able to capture that in words right now, because right now, I'm not creating, I'm soldiering. But there is something noteworthy here.

Breathe - breathe...

Passion-com-Passion — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 14:55:39 GMT

I just started this position about a month ago - and now my assistant is out - her husband is in the hospital and it's serious. I have to control my emotions - not my strong suit to be sure. I feel like I should drop everything and go hold her hand. This sweet sweet woman I'm lucky enough to work with, is feeling bad about leaving me while she's going through this personal ordeal! But I have to keep both our jobs going now - and I honestly am afraid. I've put in a request for a temporary assistant - and I'm working twelve hour days or more. I'm bringing work home and hoping that I dont' fall asleep before I can pick away at it. I was driving home yesterday and felt that anxiety thing - but was able to channel it - almost immediately. I thought - I NEED to delegate some of this - where can I do this. And these great ideas started to flood in - I put my daughter in charge of meal planning and shopping - she was thrilled to be given the reins on it. I decided exactly what I could and couldn't do and informed my boss and co-workers. I'm always just blown away by how experiences line up - if you're paying attention - in just a way to show you things you need to handle - how to keep your emotions in line without denying them, how to manage your world in the stressful times, how to persevere, how to let go and how to focus - really focus on the important things. This morning - I got in early and have been meditating and breathing and just being in this space. I'm feeling very at home with what my process will have to be today - no more anxiety - it just slows me down.

This is MY daughter...

Passion-com-Passion — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 16:09:15 GMT

My daughter is sixteen. She and I should be at eash other's throats and yet, usually we just love being around each other. This last week she said something that was a little insulting and I told her that it did insult me - again, very unusual for us either way. What I love so much about this amazing woman is that she thinks about everything - deeply. And she's not afraid to humble herself to make things right - but she is anything BUT a doormat. She wrote me the wonderful letter below - which I have her permission to reprint here - and I read it at work and had the uncomfortable feeling of hoping my boss didn't suddenly burst into my office and find me balling like baby. Hope you all call your mom's after reading this. I would if mine were still alive. Electra's Homage to her Mom: I'm here to admit to a few things. First thing I'd like to explain is that I have no talent in complimenting people because whenever I speak the words from my mouth they don't sound convincing even if I truly wish to compliment someone. Writing is a passion of mine and when I write I can express myself honestly, feeling honest about my words. But what I'd like to get to is the main subject, and… The main subject here is my Mother. If I was to describe my mother I would probably call her difficult. But I don't mean that as an insult, because she's difficult in that supercalifragilisticexpialidocious way. I admire the fact that I know she has many flaws but in my mind she's always been so utterly flawless. I secretly love when people say I'm a lot like her, even if I complain and crack retorts, I like it because someday I hope I can be at least half the woman she is. I can't help but feel exuberant when I get complimented by her because her opinion means so much to me. I bemoan the loss of time spent listening to her, yet later I already know that the time spent listening to the tools she's giving me are all going to make my life more fulfilling. I loathe the way that I think for once second I have her figured out only for her to be thinking and feeling something completely different… Because then it makes me stop and reassess just how really naïve I am. But I love the fact that even if I am naïve she still talks to me as an equal. My mother is a living, breathing, walking contradiction; even if I had a million years I doubt I could ever fully understand her. Yet it boggles me how well she knows who I am and what I need and want in life. She freely gives her knowledge and encouragement to me trying to ensure I have a happy lifestyle. I don't think I could ever find a friend like her. I think my mother is intelligent even when she randomly and rarely for some odd reason cracks a nonsense pun. Even if I relentlessly pursue teasing her about it. I think she's beautiful when I watch her paint because her eyes seem so distracted as if seeing something I'm not able to, though I wish I could, yet so attentive to her movements. Even if I never let her know I've watched her paint before. I think she's the most creative human being I'll ever encounter simply because of her wild imagination and creative drive that astounds me every time we brainstorm together. Even though I'd never say that aloud. My mother… She ridiculously, lovably, difficult and truthfully I don't think I could ever speak all the words I should. I truly love her, as my mother, my friend, my equal. I'm not very good at complimenting people. I doubt I ever will be able to compliment someone aloud without that guilty feeling in my stomach for some reason or other. When I write I can speak my mind freely, my mother encourages me to write. I'd never dare to say it out loud, but she is my main pillars of strength and inspiration. Even after spending just a few minutes with her in silence or filled with chatter, I get the urge to write something, anything at all as long as I'm expressing myself. Hence how this was written. I think, that if someday I could be at least half the person she is, or to just hold similar strengths… I'm not sure… but I can only dream to be as brilliant, creative, funny, strong, caring, and inspirational, as my mother. This probably isn't written to well, but everything I did write was my honesty because…I'm not good at speaking aloud…you'll have to forgive me for that. I wish and hope that she does know just how much I love her and look up to her. I couldn't express everything I love about her individually but I do love her.

Thank You

Passion-com-Passion — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 16:43:07 GMT

For the first time in my life, I really LOVE what I'm dong. I've got a really challenging job, working with amazing, hard-working, dedicated, stable yet interesting and super funny people. People I could see myself being friends with. People who do big things collabortively and are kind to each other while doing it. I feel immense respect for my boss and all the people I work with. That's very new for me. It makes me really want to be dedicated myself. And besides being an organization that I can be proud to work for, these people also do the best they can to take care of their empolyees. I don't get the greatest wage - but the benefits are outrageous - two weeks vacation PLUS Christmas to New Years off PLUT fifteen sick days PLUS - on and on, full medical and dental - it's better than I've ever had. But I was just describing to a friend in Denver that there is something really unusual about Aspen - I've had five opportunities to get drunk at work. There is a looseness, and sense of opportunity here that I've never experienced elsewhere. It suits me. Yes, there are prima-donnas and rich assholes here, but there are also amazing freaks like Nick De Wolfe whom I was lucky enough to connect with before he passed away. I'm still moving my stuff around in this crazy amazing condo we just rented - I want to stay here forever - I'm so happy with this place - it's just what I asked for - and more. My own gratitude is just leaking out all over the place. I'm ready to start creating again - I'm feeling happy and more at peace with myself and the world around me than I ever have before. I really know what I'm seeking and I'm not unhappy when I don't find it in this or that place - watching the local BM community tell each other to shut up and sit down again is not affecting me because I have no more expectations that they will actually be a group of individuals supporting each other's rights to be what they are - I now just accept that it's the same kind of conformity that one finds in all groups - and I'm seeking my exceptional individuals in the ways I've always found them - hidden in hay-stacks, one at a time. My own expectation of what a group could be caused me the pain - of course. And now, with no expectation, the worst it causes me is a little boredom and sadness. My babies are back and so big and wonderful. We've not stopped laughing hysterically since they returned. I miss them so much when they're away. They're becoming my closest friends - their great senses of humor, their fun personalities, their shining wonderful curious eyes - I'm so freaking lucky to have had them. Electra and I actually laughed so much yesterday that we couldn't keep hanging clothes. She's so witty, intelligent and well-rounded. She's going to be such a powerful beautiful woman. I'm thinking of asking a freind who is a teacher to tutor Harp - he wants to go back into a regular school situation, so I want to give him that option. He's such a quriky little man - but so full of love and starting to find his own wit. Did I mention I have a wet-bar IN my bedroom? I'm never going to get over that. Never. Thank you, crazy mother universe for all the weirdness you've put me through to get to the place where I can wish on stars and they drop down to light my way. Thank you for the sadness, that gave me empathy, the fire that burned my weaknesses away - thank you for the love of good friends who stuck by me in the belly of the whale, and showed by comparison, the lesser light of superficial connections and communities built of conformity. Thank you for giving me the path to move beyond what tied my ancestors down - for showing me how to crack the code, and giving me the perseverence to continue the climb past the slippery, rocky pinnacle. I feel blessed and humbled by the experiences I've had. And I feel gratitude and honor to have been found worthy of experiencing it.

Moving - again - but for the last time in a long time - Anyone availble to help this weekend in Denver?

Passion-com-Passion — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 04:56:50 GMT

Will and I are finally moving our stuff up here to the mountains. And we'll be out at our storage untis in Denver trying to figure out what to take and what to toss. If you'd like to come help us, make fun of us, bring us some beers, or rummage through our stuff when we've gone, give a yell on Will's cel - 303-564-0683. Anyone helping us will get - in addition to our undying love and affection, beer and some food and a standing invite to our new loverly and utterly amazing condo in Glenwood - come up for skiing and stay with us in our snazzy remodeled creamery - I have no idea why we seem unable to live in a "normal" place - even when we have the money to. But this place has a wet bar IN THE BEDROOM. That's really all I have to say about that. please help us - since we had to lay out six thousand dollars and sell the kids to get this place - we have no money to pay anyone to help us move except with this lame invitation - but you know, it's real anyway.

Explorer

Passion-com-Passion — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 14:07:20 GMT

When asked what I do, for years I have occasionally answered "explorer" - I think it started when I'd just got divorced and was briefly living on alimony - so it was better than "nothing" - although one time at a dinner party when asked I answered in a very drawn out way and with a cheshire cat grin on my face "Absolutely nothing!" - really, I have witnesses. But I really identified with that definition so much that I began to think of myself that way even when I could answer something else. I'd argue that I now have a position which is pretty decent by most people's standards - people don't question my references quite as much to be sure, but I still, secretly think of myself as an explorer - and I think that changes how I interact - how I do my job even. I'm still not defined by what I do for a living - not by my parental or relationships status, and not by my income. I'm not defined by how many parties I've thrown, or how many friends I have - I am solely defined by my experiences and my reactions to them. I'm an explorer and I always will be. If I end up owning one of these houses in Aspen, I will do so with a creative and explorative mind. If I am married and a grandmother, and growing a garden, I will be exploring the smaller or more well-trodden places, but I will still be me - an explorer - an individual experiencing those things in my own unique way. When I forget this, I am scared - luckily, I don't forget for long. I really like this about myself - the time I decided this, was the turning point for me and made everything that ever happened in my life worthwhile. I've never really regretted anything - no matter how horrible - that has happened, because I think of it all as an amazing adventure that is still unfolding. And that's so much better - even in the darkest caves, than feeling like you're stuck on a path that isn't yours even when you're "winning" what others tell you that you're supposed to love having. Image is: Wander Above the Sea Fog by Caspar David Friedrich

Wiggling My Nose ever so slightly...

Passion-com-Passion — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 15:15:42 GMT

In the eighties I remember all those ridiculous catch phrases - especially "You need to think 'outside the box'" - god I hated that one. But now I wish I could use that phrase - wish it hadn't become a short-hand for "asshole" because that is precisely what I think I'd like to see more of - in myself and in the world around me. I have remarked many times over this past year how easy things seem. And it's not that things are all hunky dorey - but that the handling of them is easy. I've said, it feels like that scene in the Matrix where neo finally realizes that he's not trapped by the things around him - by this reality. He makes his reality. This isn't a "secret" either. But it's in the "how" that I'm interested now. How do you get there? How do you train yourself to look for alternatives where you see only roadblocks? This weekend Will and I are house and dog sitting for a friend of mine from work who is on a hut trip. We got in Friday night after driving round and round the mountains of Snowmass. We crashed immediately. Then we got up the next morning to go to breakfast and realized that the roads had frozen and there was no way to get out of the pitched driveway to this place. So we went inside and called every delivery place in town - did I mention there was no food in the house? No one delivers until after five. I sat here for a couple minutes feeling some dispair - not that we couldn't live for a day without food, but I've been working so hard, I really was looking forward to a nice, relaxing weekend - cable TV, nice views, good food, relaxing with my honey. All this was draining out of my fantasy box and being replaced with a weekend of sharing the last of the grits and plain pasta this guy has in his cupboard and feeling resentful. Then something snapped in me. I thought - hang on a sec - just because people say they won't deliver doesn't mean they won't deliver - so the first place I called back and told about our situation said "sure - we'll make a special exception" - and I sat here thinking of all the times I forgot - yes, forgot - to design my own life. I exist in a world with others, and I don't believe that I'm the only one who matters and that all else is meaningless, but I think a lot of us have just been conditioned to do what we are supposed to and to just accept whatever comes our way, when with a small effort, we could have something entirely different for a life. mage is from here: http://xkcd.com/88/ A place you should know about if you enjoy the core of creativity,

Hmmmm...

Passion-com-Passion — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 03:43:24 GMT

This happens to me a lot. Well, since I've been listening to that internal voice, and letting it lead me to telling the difference between its wisdom and my egotistical self's perceptions. I stumble upon some method or practice that is just what my own internal voice has told me to start doing. I just ran across this: http://www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/tonglen1.php And it sounds almost verbatim what I was told - inside my head. Sounds freaky but I'm so used to it by now that I don't really think about it that way anymore. And I can't argue with the results. It freed me from caring what other people thought of me. It freed me from a lifetime of not being able to hold a job. It freed me from not creating the things in my head. I listened that one first time and the domino effect began and soon I was doing things that didn't make any sense in the moment - didn't make sense to my ego - to my little plans. But I trusted enough and was told what to do. Now I'm reading this and it's resonating because it's the same wavelength I was picking up. I think that's the important thing - finding your own intuitive voice. There's not a "way" that works for us all at every stage. You never find yourself being asked to be untrue to yourself if you're listening to your own ancient wisdom. I especially like that you are asked in this method to face your own pain. I had a lot of worry sent my way when I told people I was going "in" instead of asking to be dragged out. And I love the expansion on this - that you breathe in all our pain and breath out all our relief. Very nice. Very nice. Image is: "Breathe" by Amy Sellers And can be seen here: http://www.chookooloonks.com/chookooloonks/2006/04/index.html

My Growth This Year - just a document for the records.

Passion-com-Passion — Sun, 10 Feb 2008 16:27:45 GMT

I am here. I've had a very interesting year. And here I am, sitting in a nice little spot - I'm very close to having everything I want. I've learned so much it's outrageous to think that I'll ever have another year quite so packed with lessons. I've learned when to let go, when to hold on tight. I've learned how to fight the good fight without the attachment. Boy that was hard. I've learned how to walk alone. I've learned how to apply myself to something fully - completely in the moment - not caring about what other people think about what I'm doing or how I'm doing it. Right now, I'm learning to not feel defensive. This is also hard. I just extracted myself this year from a community of people who read my asking for grant money for kids as "I'm going to go talk to someone higher up" I've been prodded and poked and examined for faults so much in that community of inclusiveness that I found myself getting defensive with a co-worker who was just joking with me. I forgot that in the real world, a joke is often just a joke. People out here are nice. They aren't always open and trusting - they take time to get to those stages. And ya know - that's how it should be. Because all that "openness" was really dangerous - letting all those different people so deep in - where they could slice at whatever arteries they wanted - man, that was a mistake. I now realize that taking my time, getting to know people slowly, giving my trust to only those who really deserve it - that's the smart thing to do. I've been doing a series of things - first, I'm actually being quite myself everywhere - at work, at home, etc. I'm holding parts back, to be sure, but I'm also telling people that I'm holding parts back - so they understand that when I decide to give to them of myself, it's a real gift. Not something I just spread around like oil. In other words, my love's not a greasy handout. It's real. Another thing I've been doing is really applying myself with consistency to my goals. I'm still ideating like mad - even moreso than I did if that's possible. But I'm also applying myself to doing things - everything I am thinking of is out here getting done in some small way. I care less and less every day what people think. I've made a lot of changes to the way I present things - I remember writing this blog for instance and actually caring what the responses would be. I'd imagine it's coming across now more like I just don't. I still love some of y'll who comment and you know who you are. But in general - if I were to get blasted - i'd just delete the comments because frankly, I don't care. That's new for me. I've always cared a lot. I used to think that was a good thing about me - now I see it as a weakness that I'm conquering, slowly. I've been minimalizing (is that a word?) my life. I found this great website called ZenHabits here: http://zenhabits.net/ that led me to all sorts of very simple organizational tools aimed at creative minds - project thinking people like me. I've been implementing them and the approach has really helped me clear my thinking a lot. I've been clearing out the excess in my life - the people and communities that drain more than give, the clothing I don't wear, the things I don't find beautiful or useful. I'm putting what I have left in perspective - and all of this has really shown me what IS important. I've managed to carve out a growing wonderful relationship with Will - we're actually seeing a good, evolving future together - my friendships also - god, I made some amazing choices for good close allies. Smart, good hearts, fucking creative geniuses every last one of them. I chose the right horses to bet on - I feel pretty proud of that. I've been developing healthy habits too - so it's not all about makng money or any of that - it's about creating a life that's healthy and sustainable. And as with every other place in my life where I knew I was where I needed to be to learn what I needed to learn - the serendipity is just flowing all around me. I realized I hold no grudges. I don't wish ill to those who've wronged me. I wish insight to those who think they see something but are missing the forest for the trees. But I no longer feel any need to prove anything to anyone. I've learned how to walk away when it isn't what I'm looking for. Crazy-makers are crazy-makers and I know the part I played in letting them in my life - thinking I could change them or something - what a weird thing goes on in our brains. And that brings me to another really important thing I've learned - when I think I'm "helping" someone - I'm not. That's a sign that there is something wrong in me. Let me be more specific - you're on the side of the road broken down - getting out to help you is not what I'm talking about. But the kind of "helping" I saw (and played my own part) in the Bm community - the "I'm going to show you how you sould be acting" that is just something inside of each of us when we're foisting it out there. The thing that seems to work - is to just set your own boundaries really well - really tight - and let people do what they will - far far away from me and mine. It's not my business if you're hitting your girlfriend or fucking over your fellows. It's not my responsiblity to stop any of that crap - community - the concept is faulty in this respect. I believed in a faulty concept. I've yet to see it work successfully. But - individual love, coupled with individual boundaries and respect - those are powerful things. Those are the things I'm realizing are what I will practice from now on. All the rest is BS meant to make us feel good by giving us false power. I'm not interested in false power. I'm interseted in real power - the kind that comes from real love. From real work, real committment, and real practice. My heels are dug in now - and I've taken responsibilty for my life. It feels so good to be here now. Even when things go wrong - they aren't "WRONG" they're just not what I would prefer. There's almost a zero drama level in my life - and it's funny seeing people try to poke it in - I just have this barrier around me now that doesn't let it in - it's like mosquitoes bouncing off a windshield.