Miyavi: What did you say?
Random concert goer: Sashimi!
Miyavi: Sashimi? Fuck you!

"Talking makes you die."
-Haschel
"Legend of Dragoon"

"I'm not going to die so you can have a friggin' night-light!"

-Junpei Iori to Takaya
"Persona 3"

"Something tragic has happened to Mamoru's mother."

"Your relationship is closer now."

-Persona 3 Star Social Link

"Because after the strip search we induce vomiting."

-The Unit

"Oh no, the Americans are back with their adoption nets!"

-Shin Chan

"O red flame that brings destruction and rebirth,
Pierce the heavens on broken wings..."
-Tsuzuki
"Descendants of Darkness"
Yoko Matsuhita

Here I am again
Flying free and powerful
Eternal and legendary
Eternal I am

Burning with passion and life
I am reborn
How long before I collapse in ashes
How long, How long

Here I am again
Flying free and powerful
Eternal and legendary
Eternal I am

Burning with passion and life
I am reborn
How long before I collapse in ashes
How long, How long

Another cycle of
Creation and destruction
How long before I collapse in ashes
How long, how long

Burning with passion and life
I am reborn
How long before I collapse in ashes
How long, How long

"People with courage and character always seem sinister to the rest."

-Hermann Hesse

Just when you thought it was safe to say that I have shared the deepest darkest secret possible...

The truth is there is a lot that goes into what makes me the way that I am. How I interact and react to life. Now, granted, this is true with everyone. Our life experiences make us who we are, etc. etc.

But there is a lot more beneath the surface then most know.

I’m pretty much a self-raised girl. My dad was always working and my mother… I’ll come to that in a bit. There was really no one around. It was just my younger sister and I.

My mother was never really around because of a couple of reasons. My mother is diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. Both my sister and I saw her try to kill herself. The incidences got worse (and more frequent) after my grandfather died when I was 7. She finally tried when she was at her therapist’s office. He sent her to County. I was with her then. I had no idea what was going on. My dad came to pick me up and I stayed with him that night. At this point my mom and dad were going through a divorce (they have been re-married since). I visited my mom in County. I did not like it there. It was a lot like One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest. I also visited her when she was transferred to a private hospital. It was a lot better for her.

Because of this I have some very oddly skewed P.O.V.s on therapists and suicide. My mom has apologized for not really being there when I was younger. She has admitted that she feels bad about not being mentally capable of taking care of my sister and me.


I was sexually, physically and emotionally abused when I was a child. I was molested when I was 2 years old. I don’t remember it, but my mother does. She’s told me about it… but I have yet to remember it myself. My dad also beat me while my mom was going through the worst of her depression. He has apologized since then. While that doesn’t take away the emotional scarring, I do understand. While my mom was in the hospital my sister and I went to live with her ex-best friend. She would beat me if I didn’t do what she wanted me to do. One time she had a headache and didn’t want to hear me and her youngest daughter arguing; so she duct taped my mouth shut. I would also get beatings for things that I didn’t do. I don’t mean spankings and I’m just being grandiose about it. I was punched. She also forced me to sleep on the floor when I had a really bad case of the flu. I have a lot of anger from that 1 or so years of my life. The emotional abuse came from my stepfather. He would constantly call me fat or stupid. It would be easy to get over if it was every once in a while, but it was often enough. It was also over a period of about 7 or 8 years. I think that this was the reason why I would seek out abusive and manipulative relationships for so many years. And while I still have the anger from that… I have learned that I don’t have to live life that way.

And then there are the relationships… Oh man. I’m not happy about some of the guys that I’ve been with. In many many ways I’m happy to not have them in my life. I know that you have heard about my first boyfriend. Then after him came the ultimate in abusive and manipulative men, E. He used to pride himself on being able to manipulate people. He would start arguments with me in public and then tell me I was embarrassing him when I would react. He would constantly say that things were my fault, even when it was something that I could not control (like a chemical reaction with a medication that I was given by the doctor). I was with him for 3 years. The entire time telling myself that I was really happy with the relationship. The truth was that I was miserable and the only person who actually gained anything was him. I did cheat on him twice. I’m not proud of that. But I should’ve have taken that as a sign. At this point I became close with someone who was poly. I read the Ethical Slut and felt like I could relate to everything in the book. I decided to give poly a try. And with the guy I was dating, it just wasn’t going to work. He did not communicate well with me. He cheated on me after we decided to be poly. His justification: well, you cheated on me. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I left him and wound up having a relationship with the guy that I had gotten close to.

Now, this guy, C… he seemed great and very poly… at first. But when I would ask about going on dates with other men he seemed to get flustered or upset. The truth is, I don’t think he wanted an equally poly relationship. To me, it almost seemed like he wanted a harem. That was not an agreement I would be willing to live with. He eventually broke up with me because he thought I was consenting to things without asking him, when I would say that I was interested but I would have to ask my S.O. Which, from my understanding is no different then what he’s said. He’d break-up with me when I wouldn’t be willing to give him what he would want and then get back together with me. After 3 times I said enough was enough (the third time being after things got really close with me and my primary at the time, J). I finally told him that he would need to deal with his issues before I would consider going out with him again at Burning Man in 2004.

The bad thing about that was that he was a good friend with the other guy I was seeing. And after that, the relationship I had with him took a turn southward. I would date other guys whilst with J (I think I should use letters to designate people at this point). I would date other people while I was with him. But I was happy with what I had at the time. Now, I see that I definitely settled and I should have actually pursued something with someone else… But hindsight is 20-20. The unfortunate thing about J is that he really didn’t know how to stand on his own. He listened too much to other people and never really formed a lot of strong personal opinions. This, of course, hurt our relationship. The final breaking point for him was at a Halloween party on the eve of Halloween. There was a truth or dare game in which I had drank a lot of liquor. So, of course… it made me suggestible. I’m not saying that I did anything that I wouldn’t have normally done. I know being drunk is not an excuse for doing stupid things. He took me aside and said that he wasn’t comfortable with what I was doing. I asked him if he wanted me to stop. He told me do what you want to do. I asked him if he was sure. He said yes. This is where we have our problem. I never asked what he meant by do whatever you want. He never specified what that meant either. Honest miscommunication, right?

Well, the opportunity came up for me to have a threesome with a good friend (at the time) and his wife. And it was something I was definitely interested in. So, I did it. Keep in mind what I was told previous to this paragraph. So, he comes in and asks me what happens. I tell him exactly what happened and he breaks up with me for cheating on him. After I get over the emotional backlash of that, I talk to him about it. I told him that he told me to do whatever I wanted. He said that he meant about the truth or dare game. But that was never explicitly stated… and I never asked. While I don’t fault him for being upset; he did have a right to be upset. I just don’t think the break-up was the answer.

But I did take that time to figure out what I would like. I am eternally grateful for that period of time. I learned so much more about myself. I learned how to be OK with being by myself. And I wound up with of the most awesome men… ever.

It takes an awful lot of mistakes to make you see what you’re missing. And it’s these experiences that make us stronger people. This is the colorful past that makes me the person that I am today, both good and bad.

I know that there are a lot of things that I write about that tend to be hard to follow.

I don't include enough information or what have you so everyone can get it. I remain cryptic when it comes to certain aspects of my life. There are certain things that I am not necessarily proud of. This is one of those things.

This is hard to write about. I'm sure that it may be hard to read as well. But this is a part of who I am now. It's part of how I became the person I am now. And as I wrote this I realized that there was a lot to cover, so unfortunately I'll have to break it in to two parts. Here is part one. It will promptly be followed by part two.

I have had a life like few others. But like everyone else, I've had my hardships. And I've dealt with it my way. That's not to say that it's right or wrong, but it just simply is how I dealt with it at that time.

I would like to take you back to1999/2000. Because honestly this is where it all begins.

Ever since I was 12/13 I had a really hard time sleeping or concentrating on anything. If I fell asleep it would be interrupted and I wouldn't know why. If I would read something, I couldn't keep my mind on it for very long. I felt ashamed of myself but couldn't remember why.

I went through most of my high school life not remembering why. It was some painful memory tucked away. My brain didn't want to remember it because every time I did I would feel sick to my stomach.

But finally, one day, it did come back to me. I was studying Abnormal Psychology. And we had gotten to the part about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). A lot of the symptoms sounded very familiar. But that brought up something even worse. I remembered what I was trying to hide myself from. Something that my mind tried to forget, but couldn't because it was still there, I had not dealt with it.

I was raped at the age of 13. It was by one of my classmates.

We were alone in a room… Just me and him. He was flirting with me. I didn’t seem to notice because I was oblivious to these things (and still am to a certain degree). Then he took it further. He was feeling me up. I didn’t want him to, but I didn’t say anything. I should have but I was curious enough. Then he got more forceful. He forced me to my knees. He forced me to give him oral sex. I tried to move out of the way, but he was stronger then me. I remember, to this day, the feeling that I was drowning. And there was nothing I could do. There was no way to get away from him. He had his hands on the back of my head and I could not move. I felt so powerless.

But after I had realized that was what my problem was, I sought therapy. Despite wanting to fix things myself, I knew that this was something that I could not fix… not by myself. I started seeing a therapist about this to try and deal with the issues that were a part of this bigger thing.

At the same time the relationship that I was in for 2 years was starting to dissipate. He was abusive to me, emotionally. I would break-up with him and he would say that he still wanted me in my life. I would accept him back and it would start all over again. It was a bad situation that I wish that I had pulled myself from sooner, but I was only 19.

At this point I was incredibly depressed. They had put me on a couple of anti-depressants. Not because there was a chemical problem with my brain… or at least not a genetic one. It was one created by the circumstances that I was dealing with. I had a cheating boyfriend that wouldn’t let me go. I was dealing with being raped when I was younger. And this was around Xmas… I had a lot on my plate, psychologically speaking.

It was at this point that I had started cutting myself. I didn’t know how to deal with the psychological pain that I was dealing with. So, instead of internalizing it, I wanted to externalize it. I wanted to hurt as much on the outside as I did on the inside. This was the only way I could think of to deal with the pain.

After about 6 months of doing it and suicidal thoughts I decided to hospitalize myself. I had talked to a therapist at the ER (which is standard practice for being hospitalized for a mental disorder). She told me that I was rational enough and did not need to go. I wanted to for me.

I spent maybe slightly over half a day in the mental hospital. I spent most of that time in the art room (I wanted to paint more then anything). I didn’t sleep because I was in a very uncomfortable place. They offered me sleeping pills to fall asleep, which I repeatedly turned down because I know they can be habit forming. Finally, at about 3 AM they offered me chamomile tea. I accepted that. I was awoken at 6:30 to see the therapist, who also told me that I didn’t need to be there. That I was rational enough to go home. I had a small breakfast in the art room and drew until my mom picked me up.

There was something to being in the hospital that made think twice about cutting myself. Maybe it was the people I was around. Almost all of them needed to be in there (one of them had disorganized schizophrenia, a man was admitted as I was leaving and was strapped to the gurney because he was dangerous). But being there and seeing that brought me to my senses. I needed to deal with my issues. I needed to figure out the deal with the relationship (that took another 3 months before I told him that he HAD to let me go). But I didn’t need to keep cutting myself.

They say that you need to hit bottom in order to find the way back up. I think that is most certainly true. It was when I was in the hospital that I realized that I couldn’t live like this. I can’t keep trying to hurt myself. It’s hard to see that in the moment.

It’s been a long journey from there. And in a lot of ways I’m still on it. I’m still working through it all. I’m just grateful that I learned something from then. I replaced cutting with smoking and I haven’t had a cigarette in a year. I’ve had one since and it tasted horribly. I keep working on ways of dealing with stress that is more productive and less self-destructive. I’m sure that one of these days I’ll discover it.

I have this saying. "Whoever gives me an ultimatum ultimately looses."

This saying exists for a very good reason.

I know that in my Primer (for those of you who haven't read it, it's in my profile page in a collapsed box) I mentioned a little about my past relationships. Now I'll get into a little more detail.

I loathe ultimatums. I do not respond well to them. There is a reason for this, but first let me add a thought from the Ethical Slut. Even in poly relationships, ultimatums are frowned upon. The reason for it is because they're ultimately used for manipulation or control. If you don't stop this behavior, this will happen. It's very black and white thinking. In responsible relationships, they should *never* come up.

The unfortunate thing is, I'm not sure how many responsible relationships I've been in.

It's hard for me to think of a relationship I was in in the past where ultimatums hadn't been used. Each time was to control some aspect of my behavior, thoughts or feelings. There was two that come to mind that would use them quite frequently... E&C.

E was a manipulative person. He still is to this day. And if I were still with him (and I don't think I would be who I am today if I were), I would probably be a hollow shell of a person.

C used ultimatums because he wanted me. He wanted me in a "poly" relationship. I use the quotes on poly because what he really wanted was a harem of girls who would do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. I use him as my litmus test for everything wrong you can do in a poly relationship.

Yet both of them used ultimatums for the same means.

To this day I still can not hear an ultimatum without some kind of bad reaction. Every time I hear one a little piece of me dies inside. I don't know what it is, but something maybe it's my free spirit or a piece of my heart... I don't know. But it hurts more then words can describe.

Now, I don't have many Make-It or Break-It boundaries. There are only two that I can think of. Ultimatums are one of them. The other is any other abusive behavior. And while I realize that ultimatums are hand in hand with abusive behavior, they hold a special spot all on their own. Perhaps it's because, in my mind, they are their own monster. Namely because the easy way to control someone is to take away their right to make a proper and informed decision. If you do X, Y will happen, X being a behavior and Y being a punishment. So, all your left with is something that you don't know how to answer. Because, while you're trying to address something, you're not allowed to. E did this a lot after I told him I was poly. He did it before hand, it just got worse after I realized that I was poly... and pretty much hardwired that way. C would use them because he was never really happy that I was pursuing relationships other then his.

I know I've been a battered and bruised bird. I strive to not let that drag me down. I try to take it and make me stronger. However, ultimatums are behavior that I will not except from anyone.

"You should see with my eyes
See what I have seen
Then you better understand what this is all about
You should see with my eyes
All the places I have been
But you are bound in chains by our society

Follow me to the burning man
His fire sets you free
The burning man, the burning man
His fire lights the night
Follow me to the burning man
The burning man is here
Come on over, have a look
There is nothing to fear

You should follow on my path
With your eyes open wide
Experience and listen well to the things I will tell
You should follow on my path
Follow and trust your feelings
We will go through this together
Go far beyond"

-Burning Man
Fictional