An (In)accurate Portrayal of My Life

too much. too late? or too little. too late

pixielay — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 15:57:32 GMT

I suck at this. Ha ha. So I deleted all of my other profiles. The popularity contests disguised as dot coms. I return to old faithful tribe. Perhaps I shall update my profile. A quick rundown until I have time to write something substantial. I am single. I am happy. My ex spouse is still my best friend. I have the coolest, new roommate, Harley...aka TROLL! I work. A lot. I am a horny mother fucker. Kind of feeling like I want to get out there in the world and explore....from the confines of my bedroom. Ha ha ha. Having some immigration troubles. I am dealing with the stress of things rather well. I quit drinking and "other things" a while ago. Makes life and brain much clearer. Happier. I sleep deeper and am calmer. Anyways...off to work I go I go. Will be sure to post some updated pics ASAP......(quick translation=the next month or so). Pixielicious

Being Tired in A GOOD Way

pixielay — Mon, 09 Apr 2007 01:49:19 GMT

I am tired. I sleep a lot. I work a lot. I moved. It was the best thing. I am a lot happier now. I am still trying to find myself, but it's not as hard as it was before. I shaved my head. Heh heh heh. Well actually Diem shaved my head.....about a month ago. We booked the place for our ceremony. Need to find a different place for the reception. I miss my daughter. I miss my friends. But I don't miss the way that things were.

IF you know my Personal email

pixielay — Thu, 01 Feb 2007 21:06:19 GMT

Can you write me there instead of here? If you are trying to get a hold of me, and you know my PM...please email me there. Thanks. Pixielicious

If I promise to keep it quick, will ya at least read me?

pixielay — Mon, 29 Jan 2007 02:28:22 GMT

My laugh doesn't sound like my own anymore. Sometimes I feel as tho I am wearing someone elses clothes. There are those rare occasions when I pass a mirror and I catch a glimpse of my reflection, and I feel like i am seeing an old friend for the first time. This isn't a sad post. I am not depressed. Someone very very close to me, sent me a very insightful email. It was as though my thoughts weree being read aloud. My feelings which were blanketed and masked were suddenly more real and true to life that sometimes I actually have to pause. I have to stop. I have to slow down. I have to...Breathe. I am learning how to live again. I used to maks whatever was uncomfortable, and I would find ways of numbing pain, or any other emotion where I might show any sort of vulnerability. Now, I am not numbing. I feel. I feel like Dorothy when she landed in Oz and all of a sudden everything is bright and in technicolour. It is overwhelming. It is just overwhelming. I have only a few motnhs left in Vancouver, and then Seattle is stuck with me. It is funny how finally now, when I am leaving I am actually able to be myself around people, and show them who I really am, and let them see, that I am still learning as well. ANYWAYS- I AM LEAVING YOU ALL WITH AN EMAIL FROM A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE. WHAT IS WRITTEN IS HIS OPINION, BUT HE ISN'T WRONG. "You are finding the more subtle, belligerent & obnoxious contrarian voice of a seasoned vet who can make as much fun of herself as anyone or anything else; who gentles her message with a little self depreciation since you’ve found that it sinks in more effectively by sharing a little of your own vulnerability. You still have the sharp edge, you still have the blunt club; you just show your victims your own bruises & scars and smile before you bring the boom down on their well-deserving asses. You are also tired sweetie. Your first observation about what is bothering you is still the biggest cause of a huge part of your unhappiness. Sleep is the underappreciated depression drug. Sleep is the mercy that we all need, like good food, like that sweet, long sex with your honey in the middle of the night. You will get through this, the walls look high from within, but I know you and I’ve seen the same walls both from inside and out. Your voice is changing and you are having the same feelings as a 15 year-old boy whose voice cracks in front of the person they wanted to impress the most. I smile, I giggle a little, and I offer my virtual arms to comfort you my grrl. You are never going to lose yourself. This is the comfort I offer you; you will always be the Pixie Lay we love, just never the same one." I have kept the author private on purpose.

WHAT THE FUCK are you thankful for?

pixielay — Sun, 31 Dec 2006 01:18:41 GMT

So it is almost 2007. Another year gone by, almost. WOW. This time last year. I was here. In Seattle, and i was with you, my friends. SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE. Of that, I am thankful. So WHAT THE FUCK are you thankful for? Please tell me. I would judt *die* if ya didn't tell me. Lurvingly yours, Pixie-The Faerie Killer

EAT A DICK

pixielay — Thu, 09 Nov 2006 21:11:22 GMT

Golly gee whillikers! I am blessed. I have K8, Delilah, The Brianna, Squishelle, Destiny, Jackass, Tori, and my roommates here in Seattle......and a few more people who have been helping me transition like you wouldn't believe. I have been stressed out. I have been freaking out. I have needed help, and some really fucking ASS-some people answered my call. Thanks you guys! NOW eat a dick! Pixielicious

Someone please turn down the sarcasm?

pixielay — Sun, 24 Sep 2006 22:43:06 GMT

So, after a week-long journey of hate mail, and evil emails...I pulled myself form the BC-WA list. Only three days now, and I am kinda curious what's going on. but i don't really care, I guess. Broke things off completely with an EX who was not an ex, but a friend, and a lover, and I am getting married. I don't really think that Matt has any friggin clue what is supposed to happen. I have been left holding the planning in my capable hands..NOT so capable actually. I have k8, thank fucking gawd, and others to depend upon. I am moving. To seattle. OMG I don't feel so good now. Nerves. Ugh! Anyways, i am at work and have tons to do, will report more later. PS I wish that tribe would STOP fucking around. I never know what to do on here anymore. Just leave it alone!

So, does this make me a porn star?

pixielay — Wed, 23 Aug 2006 22:44:13 GMT

i am just curious.

Call me Gloria---I fucking dare ya! hee hee

pixielay — Thu, 10 Aug 2006 22:49:14 GMT

I want to be ready for NOTHING. I know that most, if not all of you, will not understand what this means....But, I have made up my mind on a decision, and my heart and mind tell me that it is right. I have a feeling that the decision has been made too late, and that the mark that I left will slowly fade away. I learned a good lesson. So, *drumroll please* Dear Friends, Once again, the time has come for a MASS email. It's not SPAM, but please feel free to treat it as such. I have been going through a really difficult time, and I have been lying to my friends, family and to myself. I have lost existing friendships over this, and have lost potential friendships, and I refuse to consider myself a victim anymore. I am not a victim. I have a mind of my own, and for far too long I have been looking to others to make my decisions for me. For years I never had a problem making up my own mind, and I used to be happy. Somewhere along the way I lost my individuality, and I lost a lot of respect for myself. No wonder others lost respect for me: it's hard to respect someone who does not respect them self. I have been playing the martyr, the victim, and yes, bad things have happened to me in my lifetime, but they have happened to everyone. I am no different. I am not that "special." Recently I made a lot of bad choices and decisions. I am not going to go into detail, but trust me on this, they were bad. And now I am paying the price. I am not asking for help anymore. I am going to stand on my own two feet. I need to get back to being the person that I was, and back to being the person that I love. I do love myself, and I know who I am. I just lost track of that for a short time. If you are reading this it is because YOU have reached out towards me, and I want to thank you. I have been thinking with a clear mind for the first time in a long time, and it feels good. But hind sight is always 20/20, and now that the past is behind me, I can see all too clearly the mistake and mess that I made of my life. The past few weeks especially have led me to the realization that I am strong. I am a strong individual, and now it is time for me to stand on my own two feet. So I thank you for your help, and for your support. I no longer need shoulders to cry on. I only need myself. No fiancé, no boyfriend, no NOTHING….. I can do it on my own. And if I fall, then I will pick myself back up again.

uh-i don't know what to do....

pixielay — Wed, 09 Aug 2006 03:39:01 GMT

I need some advice. Can someone who KNOWS me please call me? Can someone who knows Matt please call me? Can someone spare at least an hour on the phone with me? Or better yet, bring a bottle of wine over and let's talk. Fuck. He proposed (again), and I said Yes..... And then the next day I called him and said no. He's not ready. I know this. I know him. He says that he is, but he isn't. I don't want to get married with "things" hanging above our heads. It is not fair. It just isn't. Anyways......*le grand sigh* THIS IS MY SCHEDULE FROM august 8th-august 24th This is a minimum of the hours that i will be working, and no, i don't have any days off.... SUNDAYS-11-5 MONDAYS-9-9 TUESDAYS-9-9 WEDNESDAYS-9-9 THURSDAYS-9-9 FRIDAYS-9-6 SATURDAYS-9-6 Sooooo, Call me..or something... Love, Pixielicious

Overwhelmed

pixielay — Fri, 28 Jul 2006 17:47:10 GMT

I feel ill sick nauseous crabby tired i have no idea what i am doing. I broke up with Matt i did a "bad" thing He forgives me I can't forgive myself I obviously cannot be in this relationship Crossed wires Crossed signals Mixed messages I feel ill What am i doing? Some people say that I am making the right chopice Some people say that I am being stoopid He said that hed give up anything to be with me I don't want him to I want him to be happy. I want to be happy I have been hanging out with someone.....new... and i dont know i dont want to hurt more people i am hurting myself and him and B If only someone could tell me what to do.

More Cheese with my Whine

pixielay — Wed, 05 Jul 2006 22:06:52 GMT

So, this is a happy post. I always ask (politely, mind you)my customers to bring me either doughnuts or cookies when they come in for delivery. My business partner and I love to get these goodies. Well today I had a client's sister bring us TWO very NICE bottles of red wine. It could not have come at a better time.

It is a Strange Universe

pixielay — Wed, 05 Jul 2006 22:01:14 GMT

"People are Strange" "The Lord works in Mysterious Ways" This past week has been.....weird...Our family lost a dear friend. My last conversation with him was the day that he left to go "home." He popped up on chat and said that he was saving a kiss for me. We talked about being "socially inept", and being "shy." He was always one to put a smile on our faces. I remember posting to the list one of "famous" posts asking someone, ANYONE to pick me up from the Greyhound in Seattle. I had no clue who would be there, but I put it out to the universe, and he answered. He was like it. At CM this year I tried my hardest to get him to join me on a "stealth" mission, but he was working. A raincheck he said. I will hold him to that. And I want my kiss.

Is this thing on?

pixielay — Thu, 29 Jun 2006 03:45:03 GMT

I fucked up. big time. But I am better now. For over a month I was in very bad shape, and I never asked for help. Instead I got mad at everyone who did not offer me the help that I did not ask for, nor the help that they did not know that I needed. I fucked up. I closed my eyes to the world. I shut YOU out. Some of you left. I don't blame you. I basically threw you out the door. I am all better now. Well, almost. I AM happier. I still "hide" in my room but now i return phone calls and now i answer the phone and now i smile of my own free will i took a few steps forward, and i refuse to take any back please don't push me into talking to you about it i will never tell Just know....you were all VERY close to losing me forever

All Right Your Faerie Fuckers

pixielay — Fri, 23 Jun 2006 00:59:25 GMT

I used to have wings once They fell off Or was it that they were ripped off, torn out of my body, a bloody mass of feathers and.... stuff I used to have wings once I might have lost them when the Angels were cast out of Heaven And on their way to Hell They grabbed me Took me for a ride And I did not stop them No I was obliged I felt obligated, liberated. I used to have wings once I used to be a "part" of things But now I feel myself disappearing Slowly Into the Belljar I feel warmth, heat Where is it coming from? OH-silly me. I left the oven on again

I got tagged!

pixielay — Thu, 15 Jun 2006 03:19:43 GMT

> Tag! > Rules: I tell you who tagged me and then I tell > you 8 weird, factual, quirky things about me in > a public blog, then I tag 6 more people to do > the same. No tag backs. > > I was tagged by Elizabeth Scarlett> 1. i never want to admit it, but i cry at a lot of movies. 2. i'm not as strong as i act, but i am stronger than i feel. 3. I still like reading dorky books that i read when i was 14 years old. 4.i hate long hair(on me) 5. i cannot burp. 6.i LOVE peeing 7. i wish that i lived in the states 8. i lie. kisses, thanks and lotsa shpanks, Pixie >

Hurt feelings

pixielay — Wed, 14 Jun 2006 22:49:00 GMT

There are three people in this world who are "supposed" to make me feel better.Only 3 people do I count on, and they let me down.I have hurt feelings, and now I ma pulling away. I believe that the time has come for me to say goodbye to 2 of them. I needed help before, and now it is too late. Thank YOU for being there when I never asked you too. Pixie

Don't even bother reading this fuckers......

pixielay — Sun, 04 Jun 2006 00:59:45 GMT

Bitter? Maybe. Happy? Possibly. Horny? Damn Straight. So.....yeah. I am going to break all of the rules here...Whose rules? Doesn't matter. They are about to be broken. Definitely shaken...not stirred. I want to be profoundly grotesque in my descriptions of what I want done to me. Tie me up, gag me(with a spoon, I do not care)throw me down on the cold concrete and deliver me from this vile torture. Masturbation is not key. It is not the route of all happiness. I want the pot of gold at the rainbow. As long as it is wide, bright and shiny. Work beckons, nag, screams in myear..... "YES, BOSS!" more to cum later. I hope.

Their Wedding and people that I love to hate......

pixielay — Tue, 30 May 2006 00:09:04 GMT

So, Mike and Diana's wedding was on Saturday.....It was fabulous. I had a great time. I had lotsa help w/decorating...Thx 2 the Edie Monster and Pi. The drive to the wedding was halarious. 4 in the car.....one position was to drive, another's was directions, another's was translation for the directions and the last person just had to sit there and look pretty....(which I did).... After we had finished decorating, we went to the hotel to check in, and I realized that I had neither the credit card to check in...nor my cell phone....a quick phone call later...and all was taken care of. We changed and headed back to the wedding....Started taking pics......man there were a lot of good looking peeps there. Too many! Burners are hotties...... After the ceremony we all sat downb for a few drinks....and then with a ten minute warning under my belt i scurried off to the reception hall to light the coloured candles on the tables..... Dinner was served....speeches......dancing.....and the rest of it. Never am I eating that much again in my entire life....I am still full 2 days later. Matt caught the garter....which he peeled off me later in our hotel room.....Dani saved the day.....Jessica and Bhak made me smile more times than I can even remember, and Nipper's bday present was definitely put to good use. It was a day/night that I will never forget. Just when I think that I am all alone...people like *you* show up....and just when I think that I am as in love as I will ever be.........Jackass does something even more spectacular. I know that a certain someone was hitting on him...She told me and Diana and countless others that she thinks that he is hot. He can do what he wants...but after this much time together..I know where his heart lies, and where mine lies also. His very soul is intertwined with mine, and it is amazing. Now, if only I could get my act together and finish school.....I have until June 14th....Someone come over and sit with me and get it all done with me..... HELP!!!! Kisses, Pixie

The WHOLE Kit and Caboodle

pixielay — Fri, 26 May 2006 03:39:42 GMT

So...the story thus far....not really important. The path that I took to get where I am today....not really important.....what is going on at this exact moment in time...not really important.. BUT.......what is important....*looks around* is this. i have a job that I like(not love, but i am happy there...learning, it is a process) I have a beautiful 8 year old daughter, who makes me smile all the time i have a great house with three fabulous roommates(who happen to be getting married on Saturday) I have friends. I have a great boyfriend...soon to be fiance.... You know....my phone may not ring a lot, and I may have a hard time actually getting to where I want to be in life, but the journey so far has been great...and definitely interesting. If you know me, or if you are reading this...you have helped. Thanks, Pixielicious signing off....over and out the door.

Oh.....the HORRORS

pixielay — Sat, 20 May 2006 19:12:23 GMT

Yesterday was my first day off in a long time. I slept. All friggin day, and all friggin night. No fun-no partying-no nuthin'. Just sleep. I have been at work for ovewr three hours, and all i want to do is crawl into a nice warm bed and sleep. My eyes are bugging out on me....Weird. I want to be at home, and I want to get there fast. The weekends when I work are always like this. SLOW in the morning, and then friggin busy in the afternoon. *le sigh* It happens I guess. I am going to read a bit. Maybe that will cheer me up.... Pixie

SOMEONE PISSED IN HIS CORN FLAKES

pixielay — Thu, 11 May 2006 20:44:39 GMT

I AM NOT HERE TO STROKE YOUR EGO. I CANNOT EVEN TRY TO DEAL WITH IT WHILE I AM AT WORK. PLEASE WAIT UNTIL I GET HOME BEFORE I WORK AT STROKING YOUR FRAGILE EGO. AT LEAST THEN I WILL BE ABLE TO GIVE YOUR EGO THE ATTENTION IT DESERVES. I MAY NOT HAVE THE TIME TO DO ANYTHING FOR MYSELF, BUT AS LONG AS YOU ARE OK...THEN I WILL BE TOO! FRIENDS AND LOVERS COME AND GO. FRIENDSHIPS DO COME WITH AN EXPIRY DATE. FRIENDSHIPS ARE ALSO GRADED LIKE MILK: 1% 2% SKIM AND HOMO MY "FRIEND" ANBNOUNCED THAT HE WAS DONE WITH OUR 2 YEARS PLUS FRIENDSHIP. ACTUALLY HE ANNOUCNED IT TO SOMONE CLOSE TO ME, AND I FOUND OUT THIS MORNING. APPARENTLY TRUST AND HONESTY WERE AN ISSUE WITH OUR FRIENDSHIP. I CHOSE NOT TO TELL HIM EVERYTHING. I CHOSE TO KEEP SOME THINGS TO MYSELF, AND THAT MADE HIM ANGRY. I CHOSE NOT TO TREAT HIM LIKE I DO MY OWN BOYFRIEND, AND I CHOSE TO STAY IN SEATTLE AND MISS HIS BIRTHDAY BECAUSE OF PERSONAL THINGS THAT I HAD TO TAKE CARE OF. IT WASN'T ABOUT GETTING LAID, IT WAS ABOUT NOT REPEATING A MISTAKE THAT I MADE A FEW YEARS AGO THAT COST ME MY DAUGHTER FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS. IT WAS A MISTAKE THAT I THOUGHT THAT I COULD HANDLE, AND I COULDN'T HANDLE NOT REPEATING IT AGAIN. I ONLY TOLD ONE PERSON WHAT IT WAS. MY BOYFRIEND. HIS EGO IS FINE. HIS EGO DOES NOT NEED ME TO BABYSIT IT, AND TAKE IT FOR A WALK, AND STROKE IT MORE THAN I STROKE MY OWN LITTLE PUSSY. NOPE. PISS IN YOUR OWN CORNFLAKES AND LEAVE MINE ALONE. REGARDS, PIXIE-QUEEN OF FUCKING UP FOR OVER 28 YEARS. PS. I AM ALSO THE QUEEN OF TAKING OTHER PEOPLE'S ISSUES AND FLINGING POO AT THEM.(AND THEIR ISSUES)

Sleep? Oh so TOTALLY overrated.

pixielay — Sun, 23 Apr 2006 09:09:15 GMT

Finally i have a Sunday off..and Diana and Mike and Caiden and Blue and Jillian and Destiny and I are all going black light bowling. One problem..I cannot friggin sleep. I do not know why. I do not have all that much on my mind...but maybe I do. Hmmm. Will have a cigarette and try try try again..... Missing you all like the crazy fool that i am..... Pixielicious

Did I mention that it was my birthday?

pixielay — Wed, 05 Apr 2006 19:53:16 GMT

tomorrow that is...Yeppers....April 6th is my birthday. I know that I will be seeing most of you this weekend at Recompression....so........Prepare your pipes for some singing... All i want form my friends is a nice round of Happy Birthday! Someone will have to start it....I will be waiting... ALSO..I got the job that I was after. I start on Monday. I have been in Seattle since Monday and I have been really overwhelmed and freaking out. I am tired. I need a break, but the break that I am needing I am not getting. Only 2 more months...and then I can rest. No more 4 classes and a set schedule.... Please...cross yer fingers..I can make it through the next two months.... Happy Birthday to me! Kisses every which way but loose, Pixie

Two Weeks Notice

pixielay — Mon, 20 Mar 2006 15:42:06 GMT

Today I have a job interview at 11am. I have been "trying" to get out of retail for a while now. Well...noit really trying. A few half assed attempts are all that they really are I guess. But a friend of mine(thank you Dana)connected me with a girl who needs to hire someone, and I seem to fit the bill. We shall see today. I am done wth retail. 12 years and I know that I am good at it, but come on. PLEASE. I do not mind staying with this particular company at least until I am done school, but I would rather leave. After a rough weekend(BIG Thanks to Steve-0 for a lovely Saturday evening, and a shoulder and wicked birthday presents)I have recuped enough and gotten myself on track and I realize, that life is too short. Things are not always as they appear, and the object in the mirror are always closer. Take a good look at yourselves this morning, afternoon or evening, you might just surprise yourself. If i get the job, great. If I don't, it just means that it was not meant to be at this time. We shall see I guess. Kisses, sex, death and starshine, pixie