Show Me Your War Face

So Totally Uneccesary

pokerjedi — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 01:07:57 GMT

Hollywood is remaking one of the finest sci-fi films of all time, "The Day The Earth Stood Still". It stars... Fucking Keanu Reeves... If you think you can stand it, you can view the preview here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xP1NVnLY_vU The people responsible for remaking this film should be tracked down and tied to an obsidian altar, where they can be blinded by the burning semen of Satan himself as they are disemboweled by mutant Jack Russel terriers with barbed metal teeth. Their bodies must then be cremated, and the ashes shot into the sun where they will burn into their component atoms. The atoms should then be sealed in a neutronium block and guarded by immortal knights until the end of time to make certain the taint of their foul souls will not bring harm to anyone ever again. Fuck you Hollywood, and the horse you rode in on!

My Conspiracy Theories

pokerjedi — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 15:06:15 GMT

Big Oil + Big Government + Fast Food + Auto Companies + Religion + Alien Overlord Invaders = Global Warming!!! The above groups have conspired to produce a culture of consumption and pollution in order to induce global warming. Why? To make the planet more comfortable for our new alien overlords! They like it hot, with plenty of CO2 in the atmosphere. George W. really isn't that dumb, he's just from another planet, which is why he talks that way. Cheney is so damn ugly because he's an alien, people! His human suit makes him chafe which is why he looks so pissed off all the time. Think about it -- if Cheney was human, wouldn't he be dead by now? Don't even get me started on Condi Rice, do I have to draw you a picture? The auto makers have clearly been doing there part by squelching research into fuel-efficient technologies, as well as producing huge, gas-guzzling models long after there practicality was in question. Most plants are automated now, and the tooling in there will be very useful when they need to start churning out huge numbers of battle robots! The fast food companies have been actively involved in 2 phases of the invasion. They are of course doing their part for global warming by razing rainforest land and overproducing resources (wastefulness = emissions). Their primary role however is to fatten us up. Good marbling equals good eating! America in particular will become a smorgasbord for hungry, bloodthirsty extraterrestrials. Religion's main role is to increase the population by discouraging birth control and limiting access to abortion. Why do you think gay marriage pisses them off so much? No kids = no food! I'd be wary, folks -- Higher gas prices, increased fascism in America, and the strategic maneuvering in the middle east can mean only one thing... the time for invasion is nigh... O.J. Was Framed By who? Michael Jackson of course! To distract everyone from people finding out he's a "funny uncle"... Pretty sad really. Cats Are Out to Kill Us All Just a feeling really...

The Weiner Song

pokerjedi — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 02:39:28 GMT

Oh, I wish I had a huge mis-shapen weiner That is how I'd truly like to be 'Cause if I had a huge mis-shapen weiner All the girls would want to drink my seed

My Life in 6 Words

pokerjedi — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 01:08:23 GMT

Was lonely Got dogs Happy now

Mmmm... Salami...

pokerjedi — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 02:36:10 GMT

I open your package... I hold an oval slice up -- it's so thin the light shines through it, marking it's wonderful assymetries... Slowly, tenderly, I place you in my mouth. Your salty sweetness envelops my tongue. Delicious warm flavor floods my mouth. Your slender meatiness feels as though it should melt from my heat, but you remain, solid yet tender. Rapturously I consume you, teeth and tongue massaging you until nothing remains but the transcendent memory of your orgasmic oral bliss... *sigh* I love me some good salami!

Stolen from elsewhere...

pokerjedi — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 03:54:39 GMT

Tell me about yourself already! 1) Are you currently in a serious relationship? A. 2) What was your dream growing up? A. 3) What talent do you wish you had? A. 4) If I bought you a drink what would it be? A. 5) Favorite vegetable? A. 6) What was the last book you read? A. 7) What zodiac sign are you? A. 8) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where. A. 9) Worst Habit? A. 10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride? A. 11) What is your favorite sport? A. 12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude? A. 13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me? A. 14) Worst thing to ever happen to you? A. 15) Tell me one weird fact about you. A. 16) Do you have any pets? A. 17) What if i showed up at your house unexpectedly? A. 18) What was your first impression of me? (hmmm...careful!) A. 19) Are you monogamous, or non-manogamous? A. 20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? A. 21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience? A. 22) What color eyes do you have? A. 23) Ever been arrested? A. 24) Bottle or can soda? A. 25) If you won $10,000,000 today, what would you do with it? A. 27) What's your favorite place to hang at, outside of your home? A. 28) Do you believe in ghosts? A. 29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time? A. 30) Do you swear a lot? A. 31) Biggest pet peeve? A. 32) In one word, how would you describe yourself? A. 33) Do you believe/appreciate romance? A. 35) Do you believe in God or a higher power? A. 36.) Do you like to be touched? A. 37.) What is your top trouble spot for bodily aches and pains? A. 38.) What do you like to talk about? A. 39.) Describe a great evening or outing. A. 40) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you? A.

Fully Functional

pokerjedi — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 16:29:15 GMT

My hip is finally all healed up, thank goodness! I was getting very tired of aching and having my range limited. It's better than new now, praise the gods of arthroscopic surgery! Hopefully I can make it through this year without any surgery, knock wood. 2 years in a row is more than enough! I will miss the Vicodin though...

The Truth Comes Out

pokerjedi — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 16:05:34 GMT

Aah, so nice to get validation... British Lasses Think ‘Big’ Of The Name Dave Men with the name ‘Dave’ are in for a pleasant surprise, for a poll has revealed that Brit women think that blokes with the title are the best endowed. But sad news for the name ‘Ray’, as it conjures up the most disappointing visions in the trouser department. John Sewell, boss of onepoll.com, which questioned 1,000 British women to list the monikers, which sounded most, and least, likely to belong to a well-packaged man. “It is interesting to see women’s pre-conceptions revealed,” The Sun quoted Swell, as saying.

Woo Hoo! More Power Tools!

pokerjedi — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 14:44:17 GMT

Here I go again -- this November I get my *other* hip drilled to remove the bone spurs. It's not as bad as the left one was last year (Though it does ache like hell this morning for some reason), but it still needs it for sure. At least I know what to expect! This procedure will put me near the $250K mark for total surgical costs, too. Nice to know I'm worth something! Kittens, D

A Poem For My Cock

pokerjedi — Sat, 07 Jul 2007 22:33:29 GMT

My cock is good My cock is grand It fits nicely in my hand My cock is long My cock is straight My cock is really fucking great! My cock is handsome My cock is strong You can ride it all night long My cock is hard My cock is thick It truly is an awesome dick I love my cock You’d love it too Treat it right And get some goo!

Just for Those Who Were Wondering...

pokerjedi — Sat, 07 Apr 2007 15:00:04 GMT

X-Wing: The Incom T65 X-wing is a starfighter from the fictional Star Wars universe, first seen in the movie Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope being used by Luke Skywalker to destroy the Death Star. It serves as the primary interceptor and dogfighter of the Rebel Alliance. Ace: A flying ace or fighter ace is a military aviator credited with shooting down five or more enemy aircraft, during aerial combat. What can I tell you, I'm a stud!

Kids These Days

pokerjedi — Sun, 18 Mar 2007 15:51:07 GMT

You know, Badger can really get on my nerves sometimes. Don't get me wrong -- I love the little guy, he's my good friend. We have a lot of fun wrestling and chasing each other, and he's a great cuddle-buddy for nap time. But sometimes he just has too much energy! What's wrong with sleeping in once in a while? Every day it's up with the sun, let's play! Can't we lay in bed till 9 or 10 like daddy wants to on a sunday morning? And -- wait, I heard the fridge... **sniffsniffsniff** OMG, daddy's got salami, I'll be right back! Selfish bastard! At least he let me lick his hand. Where was I? Ah yes, the ball. It's OUR ball, not YOUR ball! Just drop it so we can share, ok? And when Daddy throws it, for Pete's sake bring it back to him, don't run around avoiding us. That's why it's called 'fetch', brother. Now pardon me for being blunt, but could you PLEASE stop licking my dick? I'm glad you like me enough to do it, really, but why every time I'm standing there getting butt-scratch do you feel the need to run under me and slobber my knob? It's distracting! I'm trying to enjoy my butt-scratch, damn it! Ah well -- I was 6 months old once, hard to believe I know, and I guess I was just as silly and exuberant. Perhaps as he gets older he'll attain some of the same dignity and grace that I possess.

I'M A PUPPY!!!!

pokerjedi — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 04:17:09 GMT

YAAYY!! I'm a puppy and life is AWESOME! Daddy took us camping last weekend and I had so much fun running around having people pet me and attacking Monkey and eating things and running around! I felt sorry for Monkey because there were little humans there (Kids I think they're called?) and they scare him so he had to be on his leash, but I'm little so I got to run around all the time! All the people thought I was cute, and some even wanted to take me home, but daddy said no. I wouldn't want to go with them anyway, I love Monkey and daddy too much to go home with anybody else. There was a little dog there named Skyaa, so little I was bigger than her. She was really aggro, but I got to smell her butt. She tried to bite Monkey. I found a new kind of poo, horse poo! I ate a big chunk of it, which made daddy mad for some reason, but I'm fast so I got most of it down before he took it away from me. It was delicious, but made me feel a little icky later. I found a nice puddle of bacon grease too, and not only did I eat some, but I got it all over me so I smelled like bacon! How cool is that?!?!? We're back home now, and I'm tired from the trip, what with barfing in the car and all, but me and Monkey are very happy today. I'M A PUPPY!!!!!

Osteoarthritis Can Kiss My Ass

pokerjedi — Thu, 08 Mar 2007 14:13:33 GMT

And even as I typed that title, my shoulder snapped back into place. I found out it's not just my hips, osteo is in pretty much every joint in my body. The doctor tried to sugar-coat it, but the bottom line is in 10-20 years, depending on how fast it progresses, I should be in fairly spectacular amounts of pain, all the time. Unless they develop some sort of miracle cure. Somebody's got to be working on that one, right? There are likely bone spurs in my left shoulder and wrist, and now I have to decide if I want to get those repaired or not. At this rate I should be good for a grinding about once a year. I guess the upside is I should be to the point where punching my ticket is an attractive option well before the dementia sets in. Insanity and Alzheimer's run in the family. Alzheimer's too. Man, my blog is a fucking downer. What can ya do. I'll try to write about something happy next time.

Huzzah!

pokerjedi — Sun, 14 Jan 2007 07:02:05 GMT

Well, it's been 6 weeks since my operation, and I'm nearly fully recovered. I can run, dance, and move in all the directions I couldn't before without barbaric pain. I never thought I'd be so happy about just being able to walk normally! Thanks Dr. Sampson, you rock!

Break Out the #10 Drill Bit

pokerjedi — Sat, 18 Nov 2006 16:30:51 GMT

So, it turns out I have arthritis in my hip, and as a result a ridge of bone has formed on my hip socket, with a corresponding ridge on the head of my femur. When I move in certain directions, these two ridges come together and pinch whatever happens to be in between -- like nerves and stuff. Ouch! On the 29th I'm going in to have the ridges removed. They're going to knock me out and stick a grinder in there and smooth me out. Yay! Doc says I'll be 'good as new'... Let's hope! While I'm not looking forward to getting cut, I am looking forward to being able to walk normally and dance again. I think it's also time to go to the tattoo shop and get my scars labeled and dated (I have 2 other scars from previous surgeries). Raise a glass to getting old folks!

R.I.P Nightstalker

pokerjedi — Thu, 10 Aug 2006 03:16:18 GMT

Alas, my beloved cat of 16 years has passed into the next world. It was no surprise, as she was old and ill, but my heart is broken badly. Taking her in for euthanasia was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Picking up her ashes, which I did last night, was nearly as hard, which rather took me by surprise. I'm a tough old bastard, and I cried like a little girl. Heartfelt thanks to the people at the vet clinic, who were very nice to me and let me hold her the whole time. Thanks also to my friends who were there for me to talk to and cry on their shoulders. Thanks to my dog Monkey who saw I was sad and gave me kisses. I will miss you Kitty, and you will always have a place in my heart. Mrrrrrrr, =^..^=