When we think of the word "addiction" we usually have specific images in mind of what that person can be addicted to. In general we usually associate addictions as centering around substances or actions that have some euphoria attached to them. It's easy to see how someone could get addicted to the numbing intoxication of alcohol, the escapism of narcotics, the heart-racing thrill of gambling, and so on. Very rarely do we think of the more subtle processes that one can get addicted to.

Munchausen Syndrome is a psychiatric disorder in which a person feigns illness, injury, or some other misfortune in order to gain attention and sympathy.

It is also an addiction to being victimized.

In the eyes of someone with MS, their life is a tale of tragedy and woe on par with an epic written by Dostoyevsky. In their mind they've been the target of abuse, neglect and fraud in addition to their constant struggle with whatever chronic ailment is bothering them that day. They have the tendency of taking advantage of people's better natures and once someone demonstrates empathy and generosity to them, the person is hooked.

In a way I can see the attraction. The idea of having someone always there to take care of our needs and wants out of a feeling of generosity is pretty insidious. Not only are people dropping everything to take care of you, but superficially there's nothing tyrannical about it. Most people have a hard time believing that someone would go out of his way to hurt himself in order to garner attention. Think about it - we don't go around assuming people are crazy, so what person in their right mind would lie about having cancer?

I recently read an article about a woman local to me who is suspected to have had a form of MS called Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy. ( wweek.com/editorial/3406/10148/ ). Where people with MS inflict pain on themselves, MSbP sufferers externalize their trauma on another person - usually someone they care for, so it's the cared one who has autism, cerebral palsy, etc. And again the attention is given to the caregiver at that person's expense.

(Now MSbP is currently being debated in the psychiatric field as to whether it truly exists or not. Mainly because the way someone with MSbP treats their child is essentially abuse - mental and physical. Most of what supports the existence of MSbP is anecdotal evidence.)

Reading it got me thinking: In what ways am I addicted to the idea of being a victim? There are quite a few I can name off-hand (and am not going to go into just yet.) But thinking about it made me realize that self-pity is nothing more than another form of self-victimization, it is a means of hurting myself to keep myself in a center of attention (both positive and negative).

The more I let go of the parts of me that keep me victimized, the more aggressive they become at wresting attention from me. It's a difficult process - the idea of slinking back to the place where I started from seems as easy can comforting as slipping into a warm bath sometimes. Ultimately I realize that it's a fear of being unnoticed that has kept me where I have been for so long. By being the center of my own personal 3-act play I've got a lot of sympathy, but unfortunately theatre is a very limited medium, once you've stepped to the forefront there really isn't anywhere to go.