In one excellent theatre play, an actor freezes for a moment and asks: where is the moon? It is not the question that leaves the audience breathless, but immediate experience of darkness. The lights are switched off and and darkness is sudden, all-encompassing and absolute.

I met an old friend today. Some time ago, he made me believe that unconditional love was possible. Losing him was difficult; facing his madness is unbearable.

I am lost in his inner dialogue, reduced to fictitious image...

It is two after midnight in Amsterdam. This is one of these weird nights without stars. I am listening Der Himmel Uber Berlin (by Jurgen Kneiper). Music partially compensates absolute absence of love.

I just want to give you a hug and say 'thank you'. You will never know what beautiful difference you made in my life.

Forgive me that I'm keeping very quiet at the moment. I have to deal with my own shadow - but in silence - like a mouse in a house with a cat. I do not want to disturb or awake more demons than necessary.

It helps me to think that I'm being introspective for a more constructive reason. This is not self-obsession, this is the most adventurous journey I ever had. I want to reconcile with myself before getting back to you and looking at your face like in the mirror.

In the last few years, you indeed kept me "beyond the circle of everyday absurdity". I want you to know that I am thinking of you and I send all positive energy to you and hope that things are going well with you. (And they will - because you are such a gorgeous and lovely guy!)

All my love,
V.