and also sometimes writes things down

I'm back!

raindrift — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 10:17:16 GMT

A couple months ago, my Tribe.net account disappeared. It was sad. All the tribes I moderated said, "pick a new moderator," and my posts were listed as "unsubscribed." I could have signed back up, but starting from scratch seemed like a lot of work. As an experiment, when I moved here from Friendster, I promised myself I'd never send a friend request. I still haven't, and I'm friends with 173 people. I have a blog, and photos, and a couple thousand posts in all sorts of tribes. It's been what, five years? I figured a single vital database record had probably been deleted by accident, and all the connecting records were still around. All that'd need to happen would be to regenerate my account record and change its ID to my old one, and maybe everything would magically work. I say this with no knowledge of Tribe's data model, of course. Who knows how it actually works. So, I emailed support, and we talked on and off for a while about where to find my account, what email I use, which tribes I moderate and post on... Someone over at Tribe support found my account tonight! It's all working again, and all I have to do is reset my password. So great! I wish I knew this person's name, so I could thank them directly.

A really good post about the mess that is the "American Dream"

raindrift — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 00:07:47 GMT

http://tongodeon.livejournal.com/660993.html And when you're done reading that, sign this: http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/let-us-choose-burning-man-theme That is all.

Just sent to flickr

raindrift — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 21:45:42 GMT

Hi. I have a problem. I have a good friend named Jacob Appelbaum. He is a regular flickr user (flickr.com/photos/ioerror), and also a rather talented and accomplished artist. He's one of the most productive photographers in the world today using non-visible light processes. His photos have been featured in books and newspapers, and his work shows from time to time in the Bay Area. He was recently the artist in residence with a government-funded group called Monochrom in Vienna, Austria, and is now traveling Romania photographing ancient artifacts for the Romanian government. His work is beautiful. I've learned a lot about photography from him, and I hope to learn a lot more. I don't tell you these things to impress you. Rather, I mention them to demonstrate that Jake is serious about his photography. It is, in fact, the central pursuit of his life. He does it well, and it brings a lot of joy to a lot of people. I found out recently that Jake's flickr stream has been listed as unsafe. Not any particular photo, but the entire thing. I understand that he's been in touch with y'all to try to determine which of his 17,000 photos is the problem, and so far nobody has been able to give him any useful information in that regard. While I would believe that Jake has a photo someplace in that collection that could be seen as violating the Flickr community guidelines, I also don't doubt that he'd be happy to mark it private if he only knew which photo it was. Censoring the whole thing is... well, there's an unacceptable amount of baby in that bathwater. I was going to wait a couple weeks to contact you about this, to see if maybe Jake and Flickr could work it out. I have to chime in now, though, as I'm sure you've seen this: http://boingboing.net/2007/07/11/hong_kong_the_flickr.html Now, I understand flickr's need to control content in ways that maintain community standards. At the same time, you need to be faster about responding to disagreements like this. I can't help but think that had flickr responed to Jake's initial inquiries, this incident with Oiwan Lan could have been prevented, or at least its severity could have been reduced. I am a paying Flickr customer, as are most of my friends. I use the service regularly, and link people to it often. I have cards with my flickr URL printed on them. I purchase services from flickr partners. If this problem is not remedied, and soon, this is stopping. If Jake's does not receive some actual care from a real human at Flickr, I will not be renewing my account. Thank you. Ian Baker (Want to write one? http://flickr.com/help/contact/)

Things I am happy about today.

raindrift — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 20:57:14 GMT

- New headphones! When Nicole tells you to buy a set of headphones, you do it! No questions, y'hear? (Sony MDR-V6) - Sensors that have little enough noise that I can actually use them for something, in a group, all at once! Thank you to Rubin for staying up til 4am with me rewiring everything. Are you an electrical engineer? Want to explain to me how I can make the power supply for these things not suck ass? I'm thinking a bunch of little electrolytic capacitors might be the solution, but this analog stuff is way out of my league. - A job that's flexible enough that I can call up and say, "Hey, can I skip work today? My art project needs me..." and the response is, "Sure, fine." - My friend just showed up in this cafe I'm sitting in, and doesn't see me yet.

i think i hate this

raindrift — Fri, 18 May 2007 08:38:50 GMT

My mind wanders. It's a part of me that I have come to accept, and even to appreciate. I don't think about it much, except when I'm trying to code, or have a coherent conversation, or read a book. Then it can be a little annoying. But whatever -- I've spent years coming up with ways to deal with this, and for the most part they work. What I didn't pay much attention to in the past was where my mind would tend to wander. Just now, I was reading Jonathan's recent blog entry about how Africa is fucked in such despair-inducingly complex ways. He was mentions HIV, and the way it destroys hope. My eyes keep reading the words, but my mind wanders: "HIV... that sucks. I bet you have to be really careful sleeping with people in Africa. I probably wouldn't do it, were I there, what with the infection rate being 30-40% and all. But maybe if I met some western girl, then it'd be okay perhaps..." I begin wandering into this fantasy about some pragmatic researcher or aid worker, perhaps like a girl I dated who later taught in Namibia, her explaining how it's hard being in a place with so much risk, being so unsure... And then I caught myself. WTF? I mean, I think the things I do, and that's fine, but I don't really wanted to be distracted by sex in this particular case. I know it's completely normal, and have observed it in myself many times. It happens to me many times a day in fact. I become unfocused and some thought that is in some way related to sex crosses my mind. I latch onto that connection and follow it, often much further than I want. I had to go back and reread almost an entire paragraph to get what my friend was saying. Economics, public policy, religion... yeah, those. I only notice this now because, you guessed it, it wasn't like this so much last month. I still had the occasional random fantasy, but it was muted, manageable. It was fun and interesting instead of this constant irritating distraction. I'm beginning to suspect that being as sex-focused as I am is actually an inferior state of being. It's a much more significant source of motivation in my life than I believe is reasonable or appropriate. I don't like that so many of my decisions include an inherent "how likely is this to get me laid" bias. Or, rather, I don't like that bias being so strong. I feel like I can't be entirely upfront with the world about how significant it is for me. Last month, for the first time in my memory, I didn't have to be dishonest. I'm not sure what to do about this, though. It's not debilitating or anything, and I know that repressing it will make it come out in weird dysfunctional ways instead. I have considered going back on spiro forever, but that possibility frightens me. I'm quite sure this is something I can deal with -- I have for years, after all, and it's actually become easier as I get older. Nonetheless, the thought of a little cosmetic psychopharmacology is intriguing.

fuck

raindrift — Mon, 07 May 2007 07:48:46 GMT

I look at girls a lot. That didn't really change when I was on spiro, at least not much. Today, however, I found that it was almost impossible to have a conversation with a girl without imagining what it would be like to be fucking her. I use the word "fucking" quite intentionally here because I feel it conveys the tone of the sort of sex I was tending to imagine. A (female) friend asked what was wrong, and I explained that I was just distracted... "Why?" "Oh, I just can't look at a girl today without imagining sex with her." "Are you thinking about sex with me?" "Yes." It was an amusing interaction. This seems to happen with everyone to some degree, but is especially bad with people I've slept with before. You wouldn't think this would be a serious issue, but I spent most of my day with three people who fit this description. The constant distraction makes my conversations flow less easily, and I feel less open because I'm having a bunch of thoughts I can't really discuss. I have to admit though, annoying as it is, it's also kinda fun.

oh, wow.

raindrift — Fri, 04 May 2007 03:59:42 GMT

This evening, I find myself to be quite horny. Interesting. There was porn on the computers at work, not surprisingly. To be specific, it was this porn: mms://wms.kink.com/free/fm-trailer.wmv (NSFW, and macs will require Flip4Mac or VLC). It's the trailer for fuckingmachines.com Live. I was looking at it because we were figuring out how encode it for streaming. As an aside, this is the resolution in which we will be doing the live broadcast (1080x610, or better if I can manage it). I'm quite happy with that. So, yeah. This happens pretty much every day at a porn company. I've become sort of desensitized to it, at least in most cases. Today, though, it had an effect on me, like it hasn't since maybe two months after I started working at Kink. It was a little delayed, though... I didn't become immediately aroused, not until I thought about it later. Is this how it was for me before, all the time? It's so... intrusive. How did I get anything done? I wonder what it's going to be like Saturday, when I'm on-set for at least part of the shoot that this trailer advertises. Should be interesting...

something new...

raindrift — Thu, 03 May 2007 04:29:39 GMT

The last dose of spironolactone I took was on the evening of April 30th. I have now begun phase two of my experiment: where I stop taking the hormones, and let myself return to normal. I have been told that this "returning to normal" process can take from zero to three months. So far I still feel about the same. I find myself wanting sex a little more, but that's probably because I keep being in situations where it would happen were I not so tired. The way I see the world doesn't seem any different yet. I wonder if anything will change at all... honestly, it would be sort of nice if I could just stay like this. Except for my horrible sunburn. That can go away asap.

anthropomotorcycling

raindrift — Tue, 24 Apr 2007 20:17:14 GMT

As I pulled into the toll plaza this morning on my way to work, the toll taker shouted, "You have ears!"

subtlety

raindrift — Fri, 20 Apr 2007 19:25:00 GMT

I notice little changes lately. I wake up, go about my day, and take the spiro usually in the afternoon when I finally remember. About an hour later, my sex drive disappears. With it disapears and small amount of anxiety I have about my relationships. I feel calm and centered. It's interesting to note that many of my biggest issues with my relationships, with polyamory, and with how I relate to the world generally are centered around sex. Changing my relationship to sex allows me a new perspective on those things that make them so much easier to deal with. It's like I'm looking at a tree, or a house, I've been standing in this place, seeing it, for some time. I have an idea of what it looks like, how close things are to one another. Now I've taken two steps to the left. I see everything from a slightly different angle, and I can suddenly really percieve the depth, the distance between objects. I know how far I am from things, have some much more concrete idea of how they are moving. I guess that's what perspective means, but lately mine shifts a little each day. I am aware, distantly, that I have a monthly hormonal cycle, or at least, so I've read. Without the fluctuations in mood, bleeding, and changes in fertility I have remained mostly unaware of my own male cycle. Perhaps this newfound sensitivity will lead me into greater awareness of my body's normal processes. I am excited to find out. Oh, and speaking of greater sensitivity, my nipples have not become more sensitive. I guess maybe that's not really possible for me? In any case, it's a relief -- that would probably be annoying more than anything.

oddly normal

raindrift — Sun, 15 Apr 2007 05:16:53 GMT

I feel actually quite normal. Which is to say, "normal" has shifted. I don't feel unusual anymore, and it's as if I am comparing my present experience to a person I was some time ago. It's very strange to me that this has happened so quickly. I will now describe how 100mg/day of spironolactone has changed sex for me. I have a baseline state of sexual arousal. That is, the arousal I feel day-to-day, riding bart, making dinner, going to sleep. It's part of the background noise of my consciousness, a set of impulses that advise my behavior, but about which I am mostly unaware. This has existed in me since my teens, and has actually been declining steadily, though I hadn't really noticed before. Think in this case of sexual arousal as being different from sexual desire. These days, the baseline is much, much lower. This is actually really nice most of the time. It makes my interactions with people, women especially, more whole. I will endeavor to retain this aspect. My sexual response is different as well. I notice a greater contrast between the states of "normal" and "having sex." This is exciting and pleasant. I find that during sex I am more apt to be distracted. That's not to say I've lost interest, but rather, if someone gets up to pee or whatever I can't get right back into it -- my arousal tapers off quickly. This has made it slightly difficult to get or maintain an erection. Partly in an attempt to remedy this, I attempted to focus on the aspects of my partner that really turned me on. This has always been a rather visual and body-focused thing for me. While sex is something I can do in complete darkness, I really like to look. Only, that didn't really work. It took me a little while to figure out that it is currently how my partner *feels* that I find particularly sexy. Whereas normally, feeling someone's skin against my body and hands is really... *nice*, lately it is just unspeakably hot. I sort of wish I'd done this at a time when I had a regular lover, so I could get another perspective on how it changes me. For some reason, I expected to feel differently, but not to have sex itself be any different. But it is. Sort of a lot. Next chance I get to actually have sex, I'll probably have more to write about that.

Syndication...

raindrift — Tue, 10 Apr 2007 17:43:46 GMT

For those of you who prefer livejournal, mooflyfoof has been kind enough to syndicate this blog for you: http://syndicated.livejournal.com/tribe_raindrift/ That is all.

an odd way to find the flow

raindrift — Tue, 10 Apr 2007 02:35:49 GMT

Over the last few days, my body awareness has changed. I feel significantly more graceful. I often choose my movements carefully, but lately I find that my execution of them is successful. I regularly feel quite clumsy. I have for as long as I can remember, or at least since I got to be tall. I noticed the beginning of this about three days ago, at aerial dance class. Some of this change is likely due to that very class, but I would expect it to come more gradualy. This feels abrupt. I love it. I feel connected to my body in a way that is usually quite rare and fleeting. Sometimes I find something similar with psychedelics - my movements are precise and free. That is not just my perception either. People tell me that I spin dart or flags or dance much better while tripping. It's because I am no longer planning my actions... I stay rooted in the present moment and my movements just flow. I pay attention to where I am instead of where I'm going. This is different from that experience, though. I still plan my movements, I still look ahead. It's just as if I have an extra cycle or two between decision and action. I find myself adding a little flair to things - jump off a desk and get my knee straight for a moment, for example, or point my toes. Duck under something fluidly, at a constant rate, and stop softly instead of abruptly. I reach for things without looking, and they find their way into my hands. Another good way to put it might be that this is a sort of awareness I've had with my hands for years. I'm quite good at doing things with my hands. I feel as if that awareness has been extended into my entire body.

Oh yes, this has an effect on my blood pressure.

raindrift — Mon, 09 Apr 2007 07:13:54 GMT

This morning, I increased my spironolactone dose to 100mg. It's definitely noticeable. Firstly, it has some minor physical effect on me. I feel tired, and am slightly more prone to orthostatic hypotension (dizziness on standing). This is apparently normal, and will work itself out. Secondly, this evening I feel absolutely no desire for sex, but I really want to cuddle.

Things seem different now.

raindrift — Sun, 08 Apr 2007 09:45:59 GMT

Oh, god. Where to begin? It's as if Friday was "make Ian horny day." It started out with a day at work, then a live shoot where I was on set for the most intense, awesome bdsm scene I've ever been exposed to, with a model to whom I found myself very much attracted. Then, to Skippy's party where Carol Queen read the first chapter from The Leather Daddy and the Femme, and then the discovery of a months-long mutual crush... It had been a day to explore attraction and sexuality, and I found that things had changed. So far it's very subtle, so precise descriptive language will be difficult, but there is definitely something different. There are people at work who I've always associated very much with sex. An excellent example is Princess Donna, the webmaster (webmistress?) for wiredpussy.com. We've never had a conversation. I see her wandering around the office in some sort of outfit that displays massive cleavage and a lack of panties, or I happen upon video of her doing all manner of interesting things with electrodes and strapons. I've seen her in street clothes or eating lunch, nonetheless all of my associations for this woman revolve around sexuality. This fact permeates my entire view of her, and it's often impossible to see around it. This occurs independent of any attraction I may or may not have for her, and actually, I'm never found myself to be all that into her. On Friday, she stopped by to visit with some of the other people working on the shoot. Seeing her, I didn't recognize her at first. It was as if she was a completely different person, as if I'd noticed her face for the first time. Instead of this untouchable vixen, she looked like a normal girl who grew up somewhere just outside New York City (note: I have no idea where she's actually from, or anything else about her). Someone who had a dad, and watched TV sometimes. The sort of person who might have interesting taste in music, or a favorite kind of cheese. I would like to say that my attraction has shifted such that I am more concerned with people's faces, but that's not it. I'd like to say it's that I am more attracted to them as whole people, but that's not really it either. I am generally attracted to whole people. When I think maybe I like something, there are an array of possibilities in my mind -- things I might do with that person, ways we may act together, how we could feel. My imagination of what might happen sexually tends to occur first, followed closely by the other stuff. I am discovering that which comes first is being somewhat transposed. Not completely, but sometimes. In some way, this feels like cheating. I am realizing that I'll come out of this experience with a much more in-depth, personal, emotionally-based understanding of how female attraction likely works. Of course I've been told, but that doesn't have the same sort of impact on one's actions as direct experience. I think I'm done with subtlety. I want to understand what is happening with me on a more concrete level. I decided to up my dose to 100mg on day five. I've discussed this with some people, and I'm going to do it. Day five is tomorrow. Today, I went to Great America and rode rollercoasters. It was really fun. I'm at Bunnyjam right now. It's at the Porn Palace, and I'm actually upstairs at my desk. I am so very tired. I kept trying to socialize and dance, and kept failing at both. I may take a nap up here in my riding gear, and then go home. I'm too tired to try to cross the bridge right now. Bunnyjam is weird. The end.

The thing about balance is that it requires constant correction to maintain it

raindrift — Fri, 06 Apr 2007 09:38:40 GMT

It's the end of day two of the Experiment. My desire for sex hasn't changed any. If anything, it's intensified slightly. I think this might be due to the fact that it's been a little while since I've had sex, and also, I am surrounded by porn all day. My fantasies may be slightly different, though it's hard at this point to characterize how. I am perhaps a little more focused on specific actions than on specific features. There is normal variation in this area, though, so it's hard to pick anything out. I felt a sense of balance that I really enjoy and appreciate. I made significant headway on a project, had a good aerial class, and got a bunch of stuff done at work. I was very focused and accomplished, though this has eroded somewhat as I become tired. This evening, I was home alone for a bit, just long enough to get my soldering project good and started, and then everyone came back. It was wonderful. I felt very connected to the people around me, and I really wanted that connection, in a way that was perhaps a bit more palpable than usual. It felt very pleasant to just exist in the presence of others, and hear what they had to say, about anything really. I was getting ready to go to sleep, and discovered that one of the cats had decided to pee right in the middle of my bed again. This is the second time this has happened, and it was frustrating and upsetting to discover it. I didn't feel angry, really, or annoyed. Just... upset. It seemed normal at the time, but looking back I realize that it's hard to put words to exactly what sort of upset it was. It was a very pragmatic feeling. I did what I could to clean it up, and then went to bed. For what it's worth, sex is still a significant motivating factor in my life. It's not something I talk about much, but a lot of my decisions are significantly influenced, in one way or another, by the likelihood of a particular choice leading to me getting laid. I've always felt sorta lame about that, though when writing it down I'm not sure why that is. For example: I can sleep on the futon. It's really not a problem. However, it would be impossible (or at least terribly uncomfortable) to share the futon with another person. Therefore, I am more annoyed than I would be. I really like my bed a lot. Yet I would not have been as proactive about acquiring it, nor would I be so quick to fix it, were this not a factor. Overall, I think 50mg might be too little to really have any effect. I'll be patient, though. A month is a long time, and it's only been two days. I figure I'll give it at least through the weekend before I change anything. Also, I have to remember that I'm not necessarily going to experience anything increasing or decreasing... I need to be open to the fact that changes can be much more diverse than that. Oh, and the project? A MIDISense board. I can now control Abelton Live with flex sensors and buttons. I am one more decent day's work from a functioning set of MIDI zils.

Crying about... what?

raindrift — Thu, 05 Apr 2007 08:36:30 GMT

Nicole is moving. She's moving in with Mella, in a beautiful place down near Fruitvale. I'm very happy for her, though I'm also sad that she's leaving. I really enjoy living with her. I would probably be more sad if things weren't being so great for her. I grabbed my copies of "The Timeless Way of Building" and "A Pattern Language" for her to read. I was leafing through the second, and came upon the following summary, for #64, Pools and Streams: "We came from the water; our bodies are largely water; and water plays a fundamental role in our psychology. We need constant access to water, all around us; and we cannot have it without reverence for water in all its forms. But everywhere in cities water is out of reach." I found this passage to be so beautiful I nearly cried. I leafed through the book, reading the names of other patterns. Not the actual text, just the names, and they were all so beautiful. While this is a very inspiring book, the parts of it I was looking at are not really those parts. There's nothing all that special about them. They just reminded me so directly and completely of the little, mundane, wonderful details of everyday life. For a moment, I felt very connected with everyone else in the world and it was wonderful. It's not unheard of for me to get in this state of mind, especially when it's late at night. Still, it was an odd thing to feel at that moment, and I figured I should write it down lest I forget. Oh, and Cakebread Castle is looking for a resident. $450/mo, room overlooks a lot of washing machines, painted blue, etc.

An interesting new project...

raindrift — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 21:48:15 GMT

I'm writing from bart, on my way to work. This morning, I took 50mg of spironolactone. Let's not discuss where I got it, except to say that the internet is really useful these days. Originally marketed as a mild hypotensive, this drug was discovered to be an anti-androgen. That is to say, it blocks the activity of testosterone. It is seldom prescribed for blood pressure these days, as it never worked that well, but it is quite popular with transgendered folks. It makes up half of the drug regimen for transitioning from male to female, the other half being an estrogen. I intend to continue taking spiro for the next 28 days. I'm doing an experiment on myself. The idea is to see how my consciousness, my perceptions of the world around me, and my relationship to sex change when my brain isn't floating in a soup of boy hormones. The reason for not taking an estrogen is that it would cause permanent changes in my body (ie. boobies), and I don't really want that. I'm quite happy with the body I live in -- how it feels, the things I can do, how I see myself, and how other people see me. I have researched spiro a bit. I know that I should avoid potassium-rich foods, for example, and the things it might do to my body. I know that the effect would be more pronounced were I younger. I have intentionally left myself ignorant of what changes might arise in my consciousness. I sorta want to be a blank slate for that part. This is an attempt to learn some things about myself, by seeing what other perspectives I can have. I intend to write about the experience regularly, and this is the start of that. I stopped blogging a bit more than a year ago, so I guess this is also an experiment in making my life a bit more public again. I'm not sure if I want to keep this on tribe, or move it to lj. I like tribe better, but lj has more sidekick-friendly posting. We'll see. There is an attractive girl sitting across the aisle from me, reading a paper. I notice things about her, the shape of her nose, her hair, the compound curve of breast-belly-hip. I wonder, in a week, if I will see different things.