So I was in Germany for the holidays...

...and it was amazing. I was there for exactly one month and I just got back on the 21st of January. It definitely was a journey back home, spending time with my beautiful mom in the country, the city, the house I grew up in. I hesitated for a long time because I feel like a complete failure after having left 18 years ago and the disaster of my marriage, the fact that my children went through hell and then becoming homeless, but I realize it was an important step.

One of my main challenge is to be able to let go of all of that and move forward. Lots of dreams of the past are still haunting me and making it difficult for me to move forward. This is a problem especially when it comes to meeting new people since deep down I feel pretty bad, and so I have a difficult time making new friends and meeting new people, even though I attract a lot of positive attention and love from others because I have developed into a very friendly, open and overall likable person, but that is just on the outside. Nobody really knows who I am and how I feel deep down, and in a way I have kept myself form really sharing myself and my true feeling with others, but I really want to change and work on that.

It realize my deeper purpose is to share what I have learned with others in order to help them benefit from my experience, and i know that I have gained the ability to help others with the insights I have gained, but one of my problems is, and I realize this now more than ever is that in order to be able to do that I need to first help and work on myself. It is just so much easier for me to focus on changing things outside of me, telling other people what they need to what to work on, trying to change this world and focusing on what is wrong outside of me instead of taking my own advice and working on myself.

I still reject people who want to be close to me, and usually after a couple of emails, a conversation or two on the phone and maybe a personal meeting the potential relationship dies down because I just dont make the effort. Deep down I have the need for others to reach out to and pursue me...and I just love it when I get emails, comments and responses from others, but making this same effort is very challenging for me...also because I had several experiences where when I received a response..especially from women..and I wrote back ..which is not that easy..but when I did I probably did not chose the right words and said something silly, which then ended the conversation right there and I never heard from that person again..and that made me sad... I am also a little bit disappointed that nobody was willing to get to know me beyond how I came across...but I realize that because I am such an intense, serious and deep person maybe I scared some people away...so I am not trying to blame anybody here but I am just speaking from my heart about how I feel

I noticed that on the plane coming back from Germany where the people who sat next to me engaged in a brief conversation with each other, and that is how it usually works..people speak to each other..even if just on a superficial level... but I turned away from others because I did not want to talk to anybody. I still want to be rather left alone because I am so comfortable within myself, and I also dont really know how to just have small talk, I mean I do but its just so draining and takes effort that I rather not do that because I am more comfortable within my own thoughts and so I like to keep to myself

Another problem for me is that I have developed a very close and intimate relationship with myself and my own thoughts. This started as a child where I could not go to sleep at times because I was thinking all the time, and I still notice that I have problems with thinking too much and being stuck in my mind.

Also when I go out dancing, which I totally love, but I usually also do this like most everything in my life by myself, so when I go to a club and dance I totally enjoy letting the music move me, but when a women comes close to me and wants to dance with me my entire focus changes and I become uncomfortable because I am just not used to that and sharing myself with somebody else on that level..

I jokingly say that my relationships in life can be reduced to three people..me myself and I...and then there are my 3 children and the 3 women who have gotten to know me on an intimate level..first there was my wife of 12 years, the first woman I have ever been with...and that 'relationship' was a disaster from the beginning....then there was a woman from Argentinia who I met shortly after I moved to San Francisco..and while this was a very wonderful, passionate and intimate experience it only lasted for about one year since we were at different levels..and then there was the woman from brazil who I met over the internet... and we developed this very intense relationship ...I know I know what you are thinking that this does not really count because it was only a virtual thing..but believe it or not..even from the distance I felt for the first time in my life the most amazing thing..and that is how it feels to be completely loved by somebody else.. we even talked about marriage because our connection was so amazing, but after I called on day and a guy answered her phone even this slowly died down...

so yeah...its difficult for me to share myself and what is really going on for me with others..maybe I am afraid to overwhelm others because I dont want to make it all about me...but I have this desire ..this need to share what I have been holding inside for soo long...it is also interesting how I have embraced my inner teacher and the idea that life is learning, which is ironic in light that I have been such a terrible student as a child..but I also realize that I have been hiding behind this persona of teacher ..and I have pushed a lot of people away because nobody wants to be lectured all the time...especially here on tribe I have noticed that when I came to this site I met a lot of amazing people who extended their friendship to me..but since I all I did was talk about teaching and doing a workshop ..and when people wrote to wanted to make friends I really did not know how to answer back, and so many times I failed completely to write back..and if I did it took me a couple of days, maybe even weeks..and when I did I was short of works and did not really know what to say...

oh well..its good to get some of that off my chest since I realize that I need to work on that..and I really want to move beyond my own preoccupation with Self and learn how to embrace and love other people more fully

it is still going to take some time and lots of work, but I hope that I am headed in the right direction....I sure could appreciate your kind input and also would welcome your friendship...

let me end this blog by saying that while I think this internet thing is an amazing opportunity to reach the world, connect with other people and develop friendship it also seems a little bit impersonal and cold to me..I realize that this is just me..but I would really love the opportunity to get to know people beyond the internet and phone, and maybe meet some of you in person.

thanks for reading and I hope you are all doing well...

with much love..

Christoph

happy new year from germany

I am here at an internet cafe in germany and wanted to send you all a wonderful holiday season and a happy new years from germany...I will be here until the 21st of january and it is amazing to be back in the city (mainz) where I grew up in...it is quite cold here but we dont have snow (yet ;) ...spending time with my mother and brother is amazing, and I feel quite a change being back home...

being home reminds me again of the importance of having friends, and I realize how I have neglected to develop some relationships with all you wonderful people here on tribe, something I hope to be pursuing once I return to california and have again regular internet access..

until then...stay warm and keep your spirits up..

with much love,

Christoph

Gaining perspective

You might have noticed that (I sure have), but I have some challenges when it comes to directly communicating with people. It sure is great when I first meet somebody and I get an invite either here on tribe or somebody responds to an online ad, then we might exchange an email or two, maybe even meet once, but thats it. For some reason I still hold myself back from developing lasting and real relationships with others. I have this thing about craving attention and love from others, but when it comes to giving that back in return I have my challenges.


I guess that deep down I am still dealing (or rather not dealing) with so much pain and sorrow that I am afraid what will happen when I actually get close to someone, which is actually what I want more than anything, it is just difficult for me. In a way, and I want to be completely honest here is that I am still a bit self absorbed in that I mostly think about myself, and I am still so wrapped up within myself that it is very difficult for me, and I guess that I am also afraid to truly care about somebody else. I am also dealing with some narcissistic tendencies because I am so used to being on my own that I am more comfortable being alone with my own image and thoughts that it feels strange every time I am with others. The issues of attention is also very interesting to me. In a way I love getting attention from others, but then I have also noticed that when somebody looks at me, be it at a club or when I make a video recording in public, or I get an email where a woman wants to get to know me better I feel uneasy, always wondering that this other person wants something from me.


Well, at least I realize my challenges, which is actually the first step before I can move towards the actualization and resolution of what it is which holds me back.


Having lost home, family and financial stability I am also ashamed and embarrassed to face others because there is this terrible void and emptiness I feel because I basically have to start over. I know that I am a little bit hard on myself, but I really really want to learn how to more kind to myself and through this be more kind to others.


During what I went through which I refer to 'The path of forced detachment' I learned a great amount about myself, others and life in general, and even though I have a great amount of challenges and problems which make it very difficult for me to freely give and receive love I also know that what I went through and what I have learned is meant to be of benefit to others, but to be able to do that I first need to help myself and heal my own wounds.


On the 21st of December I will do what I had dreams about many many times before, and while it has been almost 18 years since I have returned to my native country I will spend 1 month in Germany and be with my mother and my brother during the holidays. I cannot even begin to imagine how that will be, but I am sure that it will be a very emotional time during which some tears will be shed, but it is something which needs to happen.


I will also visit my son tomorrow in San Francisco who has been in juvenile detention for quite some time now because I have failed to provid him with a stable and safe home. He will move back to Kansas next week to live with his uncle from his mothers side. This is also something which is very embarrassing to me, but I realize that it is for the better since he needs the focus and structure, and living in foster care and group homes did not really help him with that.

This is very difficult for me to talk about and acknowledge, but in order to move on with my life I need to give up the fantasy of living with my 3 children (my 2 daughters who live close by are also in foster care and are actually in the process of being adopted). I know that they all love me but as somebody told me years ago, and it was impossible for me to acknowledge that back then but I need to let them go in order to move on with my life.


In a way I feel better writing about some of my own challenges, and maybe it helps you to gain a little bit more perspective of who I am.


While I have done very very little to relate myself to others, my main outlet during the years has been my channel on youtube which has become somewhat of my own video blog where I freely share myself, my thoughts, concerns, ideas, passion and worries with others. Up until today I have more than 786 videos of my own material available, which can show you how self absorbed and wrapped up within myself.
Still, I would love for you to take a look at some of them, maybe comment on a couple of videos so you can get to know me a little bit better~~~~> http://www. youtube. com/user/realize2actualize

One of my other challenges is that I am very bad when it comes to chit chat and small talk because I have become a pretty deep and serious person, but I also love to laugh and have fun, it is just that I am missing the experience and practice.


Maybe we both can learn to get to know each other a little better and develop some kind of friendship. I really try to put more effort into developing and fostering positive relationships with others, but spending a lot of time writing emails back and forth is a little bit challenging for me, so I would prefer speaking over the phone or meeting in person.



I kindly thank you for your time reading my long bulletin. Have a wonderful weekend, keep it real and maybe this has been a little bit of an inspiration that regardless of how difficult life can be, everything which happens is part of our personalized lesson plan, designed to help us understand ourselves better.


In love and light,

Christoph
aka realize2actualize


707 410 6352

There is no true revolution without evolution

Evolution is a natural and gradual process all living things go through, but what has been missing for us human beings is consciousness. We all went through the changes and stages of life where we were told how to be and what to do, so eventually we stopped questioning authority and the greater reality surrounding us. As the result our natural sense of interest, wonder, imagination, intuition and spontaneity was replaces with book learning, the need to obey and follow orders.


Because of that we stopped evolving consciously but instead unconsciously devolved as we were programmed to fit the mold imposed onto us.



Did you ever question this and wonder what lies beyond the physical reality of this world? What about our authentic nature as human beings, the one beyond mind control and conditioning, and how can we get in touch with who we really are instead of who we are required to be in order for the system (the one we all serve) to function?

I myself have been always interested in those questions, so a couple of years I started a video blog dedicated to those questions, and hopefully provide some answers and food for thought.
I really would appreciate it if you could check it out, watch some videos and send me your comments, feedback and ideas: http://www. youtube. com/user/realize2actualize

There is also an online forum I would love for you to join at http://groups. yahoo. com/group/realize2actualize/

If you have a good computer connection with speakers and a microphone you can also join me almost every day on http://www. paltalk. com/en/ in 'A room for conscious rEvolution', located under the category 'Social Issues' and 'Human Rights'.


Thanks for your time and I would love to explore synergistic possibilities.


This world is ours, so lets come together and figure out how we can bring about the change we want to see..

In love and light,

Christoph
aka realize2actualize

The dentist, health and healing

So I am finally seeing a dentist after several years of putting off the extensive work I need done on my teeth. I began going on Wednesday and have been seeing him every day since then. My front tooth which was broken has a root canal done to it and now has a crown, so I look like and feel like a normal person again :) I also had work done on my lower teeth, but something I am worried is the extraction of 4 teeth which will take place the middle of next month, so I am a little anxious about that but I am sure it will be ok.

Since I am no longer in San Francisco it seems that I am taking better care of myself; for one the situation with my teeth is something that is being worked on, secondly I joined a gym and I am going swimming every day and take use the sauna there, and 3rdly I stopped smoking (and I am not only talking cigarettes), which is something I tried to get away from for the longest time. Only problem is that since I am now living in an office building I cant cook for myself the way I used to, but this is just one of the negative pay offs.

Why am I sharing this with you, well, since I have been wrapped myself up within myself and my own story I would like to be more personable and reach out to others not as a teacher or lecturer but as a human being with challenges who would like to become better at this thing called life, developing positive relationships with others, giving (and receiving) love and being happy again.

Lots of things are changing in this world, but I keep on being reminded that those things are just a reflection of the work we need to do on ourselves. I have pushed that away for the longest time and instead tried to focus on the problems outside and give others advice, but I realized that I need to begin by working on myself in order to become the change I want to see.

I have been hiding behind the mask of teacher who basically seeks to give advice and by doing this get attention from others, but I am now aware of my need to heal my own wounds in order to reach out this world in a more loving, supportive and compassionate way, and by doing this hopefully attract some wonderful friendships.

I hope that during this process we can become reacquainted and get to know each other a little bit better. This online thing seems to be a little bit cold and distant to me, so I am inviting you to call me anytime, or if you are living close to where I am also arrange for a time to meet personally.

Thanks for reading my post and have a wonderful day, week(-end) and life.


In love and light,

Christoph

707 427 6461

realize2actualize@gmail.com

Coming out of hiding :o)

Basically this is what I have been doing for the longest time; hiding from other people and hiding behind the mask of teacher, and I dont want to hide anymore but rather want to reach others in a more compassionate, kind, open and approachable manner.


When I first moved to San Francisco in early 2004 I had all this enthusiasm for putting together study groups and workshops along the lines of spiritual evolution, and I received quite a bit of responses from people here on tribe, myspace, craigslist and various other internet networking sites, but I have to admit that I failed to ever follow through and actually manifest anything solid. Maybe that has to do with being so comfortable within myself that I push away what I actually want most, success, happiness and love. In addition to that I have been creating this persona of teacher and philosopher, and by doing this greatly neglected to show myself as Christoph the human being who has been hurt before and who needs time to heal in order to actually help others.

One of the things I have realized about myself is that is is quite easy for me to attract positive attention, interest and even love from others, but when it comes to giving that back in return I have a very difficult time. This has been somehow a theme of my life; things come to me seemingly easily and effortlessly, wonderful people cross my path and new opportunities open up for me all the time, but when it comes to making things happen I am extremely passive. I have allowed for life to lead me down the path, and I even realized the divine intelligence of how things happen if we allow for them, but making things happen that is a whole new territory for me.

For a very long time I have been wrapped up within myself and not allowed anybody get close to me. In March of 2007 I moved into a beautiful room in the Russian Hill area of San Francisco. When I got there it almost seemed to be too good to be true, especially after having lived only in hotels, hostels and various room mate situations which (not surprisingly) never worked out, and so when I moved into my own place I was overwhelmed. Still, I lived there week after week, month after month without sharing this place and without sharing myself with anybody. I mustered up enough focus to organize a few meetings, but eventually even this faded away, together with this amazing place for the lack of organization on my part.

As of September 28 2008 in am in a new situation in the east bay, fairfield to be exact where I am living in my own office. As I said before, it is easy for me to attract those opportunities, but taking advantage of what life is offering me is something that I need to work on.

I also wanted to write this bulletin to apologize to all those people who have reached out to me since I became part of myspace but who have never received anything in return. My intention is to make it up to you as I am planning to post more regular bulletins, blogs and also do what I have not done for the longest time, to actually pick up the phone and call some people.


Until then, have a wonderful weekend and I write again soon.


In love and light,

Christoph
707-410-6352 < my new cell

Personal challenges

I dont know what it is....but especially lately I realize how there is something seriously wrong with me.....its like this..I have this ability to easily attract attention...in part because I am an extremely handsome guy..lol..and also because I have some interesting things to say....so I found that others are easily attracted to that and want to become friends..but it is very difficult for me if not impossible for me then to give others the kind of attention and love they seek and deserve...for one..and this might sound extremely arrogant now..but I figured that it is time for me to be honest to myself and the world about what is really going on with me..anyway..for one I feel that people come to me because they want something ..people want help..support..friendship..love, they seek answers to questions...and of course when it comes to meeting women there is also the issue of sex involved...and while I greatly desire and yearn for those things myself I have just so many needs and have been so greatly hurt in life that I am more concerned about myself and what I get from others instead of freely giving of my attention, care and love ...so when people come to me and trying to get close to me I cant help but feel....so here you are come to me with what you want..which is great...but how about me..what about I want.... ..you dont even know who I am (and I guess that I don’t have the strength yet to talk about and ask for what I want), how it is has been for me and what I need in a friend..I know that sounds arrogant but I try to be honest..ok....on the other hand I also realized how I hold myself back from what I really want....having a home..family...somebody to love and to live my life...for years and years now I have wrapped myself up within myself..and the few people I have met along my path I kept at a distance and dont allow to come any closer......I have also noticed how I am so extremely serious about life that I have lost my ability to simply laugh, unwind, relax and have fun..I mean I can still do that but its difficult because then there is always this voice inside which tells me that I dont deserve those things ..its like I am still beating myself up over how screwed up my life is and how many people I have hurt along the way that it so very difficult for me lighten up and enjoy life... very early in my life I have taken on a great amount of the suffering and pain I saw in the world around me such as the realities of war, suffering, the pollution and destruction of our planet, world wide genocide and mass starvation,l and I always wondered how God could allow for that..this was before I realized that we human beings have created this reality ourselves because our minds and spirits have become corrupted and we have been blinded by greed and a wrong sense of power....so we human beings are not only destroying and raping this planet but we also destroy and corrupt the beautiful minds and spirits of children who are then told to basically serve this system we ourselves have created..and very early in my life when I noticed that it began making me very sick with deep grief, sadness and sorrow because I felt responsible for all this crazyiness that is happening in this world...always wondering how can I enjoy life and be happy if every day small children are dying of not having enough food and become the victims of a war we ourselves support...and so it is interesting to find myself at a point where I actually want to help others with the things I have learned during my life and contribute to make this world a better place..but I have realized that in order to do that I need to fist help myself and heal the wounds which lie at the root of my deep sadness, grief and sorrow... and while this seems that I have a long way to go with this... writing this essay was like a small step in this direction of my personal journey of 1000 miles :)

Realizations and intentions..

I woke up this morning after a restless night of almost no sleeping, feeling that the time has come for me to take my own advice and change my ways.

Since I came to San Francisco during Christmas of 2002 I have put up countless ads in regards to me being a teacher (of learning), ads in regards to dating, and while I have attracted quite a bit of response from others who where curious to know more I am just now learning that I only can help (and love) others if I begin to help (and love) myself, and this is my intention for the time ahead.

During my past experiences I have become so wrapped up within myself that I only attracted attention by putting up ads and profile on various internet networking sites, but when it came to actually making some effort to grow positive relationships with others I failed miserably. I guess you could call me an attention whore..lol...

After what I went through my first and foremost interest (and need) was to get attention from others, which I received quite a bit, but then when it came to me making the effort and reach out to those who wanted to get to know me better I almost did not know how to respond, and so I was unable to develop any positive relationships.

Among other things this is what I want to change, and I would like to take this opportunity to once more reach out to you in my (sincere) desire to make friends and become re-acquainted.

I consider this bulletin the beginning of a very new chapter in my life, and I wanted to take a little time to apologize to all those individuals on this and other internet sites who reached out to me, but who have not received any love, care and attention from me in return. My intention for the future is to change that.

Having held myself back from success, happiness and love I now realize more than ever that the time is right for me to take a clear look at the man in the mirror and make a change.

I dont want to make this too long, but just wanted to share my intention to begin on a very new path for myself.

Again I apologize for keeping everybody at a distance, but since I am ready for a new beginning in my life I sure would love to have (or rather earn) your genuine friendship, love and support along the way.

With much love too all of you amazing people of tribe.

Christoph
415.933.3660

Eye opening video which exposes the myths of the 'War on Terror'

This is an amazing 3 part documentary entitled "The Power of Nightmares: The Rise of the Politics of Fear"

Begin by checking out the first part, entiteled 'Baby Its Cold Outside' and get ready to be enlightened about the true motives behind the 'war on terror': tv-links.co.uk/listings/9/4691

I am curious to know what you think, so if you would like to talk just give me a call, or just send me a message here on tribe or email me at realize2actualize@gmail.com

Christoph
415.374.3275

The war within

A Cherokee Indian elder was teaching his grandchildren about life.

He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me... it is a terrible fight
and it is between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance,
self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority,
and ego.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility,
kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion,
and faith.

This same fight is going on inside of you, and inside every other person,
too."

The children thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his
grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee elder replied simply ... "The one you feed."