...and it was amazing. I was there for exactly one month and I just got back on the 21st of January. It definitely was a journey back home, spending time with my beautiful mom in the country, the city, the house I grew up in. I hesitated for a long time because I feel like a complete failure after having left 18 years ago and the disaster of my marriage, the fact that my children went through hell and then becoming homeless, but I realize it was an important step.

One of my main challenge is to be able to let go of all of that and move forward. Lots of dreams of the past are still haunting me and making it difficult for me to move forward. This is a problem especially when it comes to meeting new people since deep down I feel pretty bad, and so I have a difficult time making new friends and meeting new people, even though I attract a lot of positive attention and love from others because I have developed into a very friendly, open and overall likable person, but that is just on the outside. Nobody really knows who I am and how I feel deep down, and in a way I have kept myself form really sharing myself and my true feeling with others, but I really want to change and work on that.

It realize my deeper purpose is to share what I have learned with others in order to help them benefit from my experience, and i know that I have gained the ability to help others with the insights I have gained, but one of my problems is, and I realize this now more than ever is that in order to be able to do that I need to first help and work on myself. It is just so much easier for me to focus on changing things outside of me, telling other people what they need to what to work on, trying to change this world and focusing on what is wrong outside of me instead of taking my own advice and working on myself.

I still reject people who want to be close to me, and usually after a couple of emails, a conversation or two on the phone and maybe a personal meeting the potential relationship dies down because I just dont make the effort. Deep down I have the need for others to reach out to and pursue me...and I just love it when I get emails, comments and responses from others, but making this same effort is very challenging for me...also because I had several experiences where when I received a response..especially from women..and I wrote back ..which is not that easy..but when I did I probably did not chose the right words and said something silly, which then ended the conversation right there and I never heard from that person again..and that made me sad... I am also a little bit disappointed that nobody was willing to get to know me beyond how I came across...but I realize that because I am such an intense, serious and deep person maybe I scared some people away...so I am not trying to blame anybody here but I am just speaking from my heart about how I feel

I noticed that on the plane coming back from Germany where the people who sat next to me engaged in a brief conversation with each other, and that is how it usually works..people speak to each other..even if just on a superficial level... but I turned away from others because I did not want to talk to anybody. I still want to be rather left alone because I am so comfortable within myself, and I also dont really know how to just have small talk, I mean I do but its just so draining and takes effort that I rather not do that because I am more comfortable within my own thoughts and so I like to keep to myself

Another problem for me is that I have developed a very close and intimate relationship with myself and my own thoughts. This started as a child where I could not go to sleep at times because I was thinking all the time, and I still notice that I have problems with thinking too much and being stuck in my mind.

Also when I go out dancing, which I totally love, but I usually also do this like most everything in my life by myself, so when I go to a club and dance I totally enjoy letting the music move me, but when a women comes close to me and wants to dance with me my entire focus changes and I become uncomfortable because I am just not used to that and sharing myself with somebody else on that level..

I jokingly say that my relationships in life can be reduced to three people..me myself and I...and then there are my 3 children and the 3 women who have gotten to know me on an intimate level..first there was my wife of 12 years, the first woman I have ever been with...and that 'relationship' was a disaster from the beginning....then there was a woman from Argentinia who I met shortly after I moved to San Francisco..and while this was a very wonderful, passionate and intimate experience it only lasted for about one year since we were at different levels..and then there was the woman from brazil who I met over the internet... and we developed this very intense relationship ...I know I know what you are thinking that this does not really count because it was only a virtual thing..but believe it or not..even from the distance I felt for the first time in my life the most amazing thing..and that is how it feels to be completely loved by somebody else.. we even talked about marriage because our connection was so amazing, but after I called on day and a guy answered her phone even this slowly died down...

so yeah...its difficult for me to share myself and what is really going on for me with others..maybe I am afraid to overwhelm others because I dont want to make it all about me...but I have this desire ..this need to share what I have been holding inside for soo long...it is also interesting how I have embraced my inner teacher and the idea that life is learning, which is ironic in light that I have been such a terrible student as a child..but I also realize that I have been hiding behind this persona of teacher ..and I have pushed a lot of people away because nobody wants to be lectured all the time...especially here on tribe I have noticed that when I came to this site I met a lot of amazing people who extended their friendship to me..but since I all I did was talk about teaching and doing a workshop ..and when people wrote to wanted to make friends I really did not know how to answer back, and so many times I failed completely to write back..and if I did it took me a couple of days, maybe even weeks..and when I did I was short of works and did not really know what to say...

oh well..its good to get some of that off my chest since I realize that I need to work on that..and I really want to move beyond my own preoccupation with Self and learn how to embrace and love other people more fully

it is still going to take some time and lots of work, but I hope that I am headed in the right direction....I sure could appreciate your kind input and also would welcome your friendship...

let me end this blog by saying that while I think this internet thing is an amazing opportunity to reach the world, connect with other people and develop friendship it also seems a little bit impersonal and cold to me..I realize that this is just me..but I would really love the opportunity to get to know people beyond the internet and phone, and maybe meet some of you in person.

thanks for reading and I hope you are all doing well...

with much love..

Christoph