My Blog

So I was in Germany for the holidays...

realize2actualize — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 19:13:29 GMT

...and it was amazing. I was there for exactly one month and I just got back on the 21st of January. It definitely was a journey back home, spending time with my beautiful mom in the country, the city, the house I grew up in. I hesitated for a long time because I feel like a complete failure after having left 18 years ago and the disaster of my marriage, the fact that my children went through hell and then becoming homeless, but I realize it was an important step. One of my main challenge is to be able to let go of all of that and move forward. Lots of dreams of the past are still haunting me and making it difficult for me to move forward. This is a problem especially when it comes to meeting new people since deep down I feel pretty bad, and so I have a difficult time making new friends and meeting new people, even though I attract a lot of positive attention and love from others because I have developed into a very friendly, open and overall likable person, but that is just on the outside. Nobody really knows who I am and how I feel deep down, and in a way I have kept myself form really sharing myself and my true feeling with others, but I really want to change and work on that. It realize my deeper purpose is to share what I have learned with others in order to help them benefit from my experience, and i know that I have gained the ability to help others with the insights I have gained, but one of my problems is, and I realize this now more than ever is that in order to be able to do that I need to first help and work on myself. It is just so much easier for me to focus on changing things outside of me, telling other people what they need to what to work on, trying to change this world and focusing on what is wrong outside of me instead of taking my own advice and working on myself. I still reject people who want to be close to me, and usually after a couple of emails, a conversation or two on the phone and maybe a personal meeting the potential relationship dies down because I just dont make the effort. Deep down I have the need for others to reach out to and pursue me...and I just love it when I get emails, comments and responses from others, but making this same effort is very challenging for me...also because I had several experiences where when I received a response..especially from women..and I wrote back ..which is not that easy..but when I did I probably did not chose the right words and said something silly, which then ended the conversation right there and I never heard from that person again..and that made me sad... I am also a little bit disappointed that nobody was willing to get to know me beyond how I came across...but I realize that because I am such an intense, serious and deep person maybe I scared some people away...so I am not trying to blame anybody here but I am just speaking from my heart about how I feel I noticed that on the plane coming back from Germany where the people who sat next to me engaged in a brief conversation with each other, and that is how it usually works..people speak to each other..even if just on a superficial level... but I turned away from others because I did not want to talk to anybody. I still want to be rather left alone because I am so comfortable within myself, and I also dont really know how to just have small talk, I mean I do but its just so draining and takes effort that I rather not do that because I am more comfortable within my own thoughts and so I like to keep to myself Another problem for me is that I have developed a very close and intimate relationship with myself and my own thoughts. This started as a child where I could not go to sleep at times because I was thinking all the time, and I still notice that I have problems with thinking too much and being stuck in my mind. Also when I go out dancing, which I totally love, but I usually also do this like most everything in my life by myself, so when I go to a club and dance I totally enjoy letting the music move me, but when a women comes close to me and wants to dance with me my entire focus changes and I become uncomfortable because I am just not used to that and sharing myself with somebody else on that level.. I jokingly say that my relationships in life can be reduced to three people..me myself and I...and then there are my 3 children and the 3 women who have gotten to know me on an intimate level..first there was my wife of 12 years, the first woman I have ever been with...and that 'relationship' was a disaster from the beginning....then there was a woman from Argentinia who I met shortly after I moved to San Francisco..and while this was a very wonderful, passionate and intimate experience it only lasted for about one year since we were at different levels..and then there was the woman from brazil who I met over the internet... and we developed this very intense relationship ...I know I know what you are thinking that this does not really count because it was only a virtual thing..but believe it or not..even from the distance I felt for the first time in my life the most amazing thing..and that is how it feels to be completely loved by somebody else.. we even talked about marriage because our connection was so amazing, but after I called on day and a guy answered her phone even this slowly died down... so yeah...its difficult for me to share myself and what is really going on for me with others..maybe I am afraid to overwhelm others because I dont want to make it all about me...but I have this desire ..this need to share what I have been holding inside for soo long...it is also interesting how I have embraced my inner teacher and the idea that life is learning, which is ironic in light that I have been such a terrible student as a child..but I also realize that I have been hiding behind this persona of teacher ..and I have pushed a lot of people away because nobody wants to be lectured all the time...especially here on tribe I have noticed that when I came to this site I met a lot of amazing people who extended their friendship to me..but since I all I did was talk about teaching and doing a workshop ..and when people wrote to wanted to make friends I really did not know how to answer back, and so many times I failed completely to write back..and if I did it took me a couple of days, maybe even weeks..and when I did I was short of works and did not really know what to say... oh well..its good to get some of that off my chest since I realize that I need to work on that..and I really want to move beyond my own preoccupation with Self and learn how to embrace and love other people more fully it is still going to take some time and lots of work, but I hope that I am headed in the right direction....I sure could appreciate your kind input and also would welcome your friendship... let me end this blog by saying that while I think this internet thing is an amazing opportunity to reach the world, connect with other people and develop friendship it also seems a little bit impersonal and cold to me..I realize that this is just me..but I would really love the opportunity to get to know people beyond the internet and phone, and maybe meet some of you in person. thanks for reading and I hope you are all doing well... with much love.. Christoph

happy new year from germany

realize2actualize — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 17:12:10 GMT

I am here at an internet cafe in germany and wanted to send you all a wonderful holiday season and a happy new years from germany...I will be here until the 21st of january and it is amazing to be back in the city (mainz) where I grew up in...it is quite cold here but we dont have snow (yet ;) ...spending time with my mother and brother is amazing, and I feel quite a change being back home... being home reminds me again of the importance of having friends, and I realize how I have neglected to develop some relationships with all you wonderful people here on tribe, something I hope to be pursuing once I return to california and have again regular internet access.. until then...stay warm and keep your spirits up.. with much love, Christoph

Gaining perspective

realize2actualize — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 20:04:35 GMT

You might have noticed that (I sure have), but I have some challenges when it comes to directly communicating with people. It sure is great when I first meet somebody and I get an invite either here on tribe or somebody responds to an online ad, then we might exchange an email or two, maybe even meet once, but thats it. For some reason I still hold myself back from developing lasting and real relationships with others. I have this thing about craving attention and love from others, but when it comes to giving that back in return I have my challenges. I guess that deep down I am still dealing (or rather not dealing) with so much pain and sorrow that I am afraid what will happen when I actually get close to someone, which is actually what I want more than anything, it is just difficult for me. In a way, and I want to be completely honest here is that I am still a bit self absorbed in that I mostly think about myself, and I am still so wrapped up within myself that it is very difficult for me, and I guess that I am also afraid to truly care about somebody else. I am also dealing with some narcissistic tendencies because I am so used to being on my own that I am more comfortable being alone with my own image and thoughts that it feels strange every time I am with others. The issues of attention is also very interesting to me. In a way I love getting attention from others, but then I have also noticed that when somebody looks at me, be it at a club or when I make a video recording in public, or I get an email where a woman wants to get to know me better I feel uneasy, always wondering that this other person wants something from me. Well, at least I realize my challenges, which is actually the first step before I can move towards the actualization and resolution of what it is which holds me back. Having lost home, family and financial stability I am also ashamed and embarrassed to face others because there is this terrible void and emptiness I feel because I basically have to start over. I know that I am a little bit hard on myself, but I really really want to learn how to more kind to myself and through this be more kind to others. During what I went through which I refer to 'The path of forced detachment' I learned a great amount about myself, others and life in general, and even though I have a great amount of challenges and problems which make it very difficult for me to freely give and receive love I also know that what I went through and what I have learned is meant to be of benefit to others, but to be able to do that I first need to help myself and heal my own wounds. On the 21st of December I will do what I had dreams about many many times before, and while it has been almost 18 years since I have returned to my native country I will spend 1 month in Germany and be with my mother and my brother during the holidays. I cannot even begin to imagine how that will be, but I am sure that it will be a very emotional time during which some tears will be shed, but it is something which needs to happen. I will also visit my son tomorrow in San Francisco who has been in juvenile detention for quite some time now because I have failed to provid him with a stable and safe home. He will move back to Kansas next week to live with his uncle from his mothers side. This is also something which is very embarrassing to me, but I realize that it is for the better since he needs the focus and structure, and living in foster care and group homes did not really help him with that. This is very difficult for me to talk about and acknowledge, but in order to move on with my life I need to give up the fantasy of living with my 3 children (my 2 daughters who live close by are also in foster care and are actually in the process of being adopted). I know that they all love me but as somebody told me years ago, and it was impossible for me to acknowledge that back then but I need to let them go in order to move on with my life. In a way I feel better writing about some of my own challenges, and maybe it helps you to gain a little bit more perspective of who I am. While I have done very very little to relate myself to others, my main outlet during the years has been my channel on youtube which has become somewhat of my own video blog where I freely share myself, my thoughts, concerns, ideas, passion and worries with others. Up until today I have more than 786 videos of my own material available, which can show you how self absorbed and wrapped up within myself. Still, I would love for you to take a look at some of them, maybe comment on a couple of videos so you can get to know me a little bit better~~~~> http://www. youtube. com/user/realize2actualize One of my other challenges is that I am very bad when it comes to chit chat and small talk because I have become a pretty deep and serious person, but I also love to laugh and have fun, it is just that I am missing the experience and practice. Maybe we both can learn to get to know each other a little better and develop some kind of friendship. I really try to put more effort into developing and fostering positive relationships with others, but spending a lot of time writing emails back and forth is a little bit challenging for me, so I would prefer speaking over the phone or meeting in person. I kindly thank you for your time reading my long bulletin. Have a wonderful weekend, keep it real and maybe this has been a little bit of an inspiration that regardless of how difficult life can be, everything which happens is part of our personalized lesson plan, designed to help us understand ourselves better. In love and light, Christoph aka realize2actualize 707 410 6352

There is no true revolution without evolution

realize2actualize — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 20:59:48 GMT

Evolution is a natural and gradual process all living things go through, but what has been missing for us human beings is consciousness. We all went through the changes and stages of life where we were told how to be and what to do, so eventually we stopped questioning authority and the greater reality surrounding us. As the result our natural sense of interest, wonder, imagination, intuition and spontaneity was replaces with book learning, the need to obey and follow orders. Because of that we stopped evolving consciously but instead unconsciously devolved as we were programmed to fit the mold imposed onto us. Did you ever question this and wonder what lies beyond the physical reality of this world? What about our authentic nature as human beings, the one beyond mind control and conditioning, and how can we get in touch with who we really are instead of who we are required to be in order for the system (the one we all serve) to function? I myself have been always interested in those questions, so a couple of years I started a video blog dedicated to those questions, and hopefully provide some answers and food for thought. I really would appreciate it if you could check it out, watch some videos and send me your comments, feedback and ideas: http://www. youtube. com/user/realize2actualize There is also an online forum I would love for you to join at http://groups. yahoo. com/group/realize2actualize/ If you have a good computer connection with speakers and a microphone you can also join me almost every day on http://www. paltalk. com/en/ in 'A room for conscious rEvolution', located under the category 'Social Issues' and 'Human Rights'. Thanks for your time and I would love to explore synergistic possibilities. This world is ours, so lets come together and figure out how we can bring about the change we want to see.. In love and light, Christoph aka realize2actualize

The dentist, health and healing

realize2actualize — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 22:53:12 GMT

So I am finally seeing a dentist after several years of putting off the extensive work I need done on my teeth. I began going on Wednesday and have been seeing him every day since then. My front tooth which was broken has a root canal done to it and now has a crown, so I look like and feel like a normal person again :) I also had work done on my lower teeth, but something I am worried is the extraction of 4 teeth which will take place the middle of next month, so I am a little anxious about that but I am sure it will be ok. Since I am no longer in San Francisco it seems that I am taking better care of myself; for one the situation with my teeth is something that is being worked on, secondly I joined a gym and I am going swimming every day and take use the sauna there, and 3rdly I stopped smoking (and I am not only talking cigarettes), which is something I tried to get away from for the longest time. Only problem is that since I am now living in an office building I cant cook for myself the way I used to, but this is just one of the negative pay offs. Why am I sharing this with you, well, since I have been wrapped myself up within myself and my own story I would like to be more personable and reach out to others not as a teacher or lecturer but as a human being with challenges who would like to become better at this thing called life, developing positive relationships with others, giving (and receiving) love and being happy again. Lots of things are changing in this world, but I keep on being reminded that those things are just a reflection of the work we need to do on ourselves. I have pushed that away for the longest time and instead tried to focus on the problems outside and give others advice, but I realized that I need to begin by working on myself in order to become the change I want to see. I have been hiding behind the mask of teacher who basically seeks to give advice and by doing this get attention from others, but I am now aware of my need to heal my own wounds in order to reach out this world in a more loving, supportive and compassionate way, and by doing this hopefully attract some wonderful friendships. I hope that during this process we can become reacquainted and get to know each other a little bit better. This online thing seems to be a little bit cold and distant to me, so I am inviting you to call me anytime, or if you are living close to where I am also arrange for a time to meet personally. Thanks for reading my post and have a wonderful day, week(-end) and life. In love and light, Christoph 707 427 6461 realize2actualize@gmail.com

Coming out of hiding :o)

realize2actualize — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 19:31:46 GMT

Basically this is what I have been doing for the longest time; hiding from other people and hiding behind the mask of teacher, and I dont want to hide anymore but rather want to reach others in a more compassionate, kind, open and approachable manner. When I first moved to San Francisco in early 2004 I had all this enthusiasm for putting together study groups and workshops along the lines of spiritual evolution, and I received quite a bit of responses from people here on tribe, myspace, craigslist and various other internet networking sites, but I have to admit that I failed to ever follow through and actually manifest anything solid. Maybe that has to do with being so comfortable within myself that I push away what I actually want most, success, happiness and love. In addition to that I have been creating this persona of teacher and philosopher, and by doing this greatly neglected to show myself as Christoph the human being who has been hurt before and who needs time to heal in order to actually help others. One of the things I have realized about myself is that is is quite easy for me to attract positive attention, interest and even love from others, but when it comes to giving that back in return I have a very difficult time. This has been somehow a theme of my life; things come to me seemingly easily and effortlessly, wonderful people cross my path and new opportunities open up for me all the time, but when it comes to making things happen I am extremely passive. I have allowed for life to lead me down the path, and I even realized the divine intelligence of how things happen if we allow for them, but making things happen that is a whole new territory for me. For a very long time I have been wrapped up within myself and not allowed anybody get close to me. In March of 2007 I moved into a beautiful room in the Russian Hill area of San Francisco. When I got there it almost seemed to be too good to be true, especially after having lived only in hotels, hostels and various room mate situations which (not surprisingly) never worked out, and so when I moved into my own place I was overwhelmed. Still, I lived there week after week, month after month without sharing this place and without sharing myself with anybody. I mustered up enough focus to organize a few meetings, but eventually even this faded away, together with this amazing place for the lack of organization on my part. As of September 28 2008 in am in a new situation in the east bay, fairfield to be exact where I am living in my own office. As I said before, it is easy for me to attract those opportunities, but taking advantage of what life is offering me is something that I need to work on. I also wanted to write this bulletin to apologize to all those people who have reached out to me since I became part of myspace but who have never received anything in return. My intention is to make it up to you as I am planning to post more regular bulletins, blogs and also do what I have not done for the longest time, to actually pick up the phone and call some people. Until then, have a wonderful weekend and I write again soon. In love and light, Christoph 707-410-6352 < my new cell

Personal challenges

realize2actualize — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 19:32:50 GMT

I dont know what it is....but especially lately I realize how there is something seriously wrong with me.....its like this..I have this ability to easily attract attention...in part because I am an extremely handsome guy..lol..and also because I have some interesting things to say....so I found that others are easily attracted to that and want to become friends..but it is very difficult for me if not impossible for me then to give others the kind of attention and love they seek and deserve...for one..and this might sound extremely arrogant now..but I figured that it is time for me to be honest to myself and the world about what is really going on with me..anyway..for one I feel that people come to me because they want something ..people want help..support..friendship..love, they seek answers to questions...and of course when it comes to meeting women there is also the issue of sex involved...and while I greatly desire and yearn for those things myself I have just so many needs and have been so greatly hurt in life that I am more concerned about myself and what I get from others instead of freely giving of my attention, care and love ...so when people come to me and trying to get close to me I cant help but feel....so here you are come to me with what you want..which is great...but how about me..what about I want.... ..you dont even know who I am (and I guess that I don’t have the strength yet to talk about and ask for what I want), how it is has been for me and what I need in a friend..I know that sounds arrogant but I try to be honest..ok....on the other hand I also realized how I hold myself back from what I really want....having a home..family...somebody to love and to live my life...for years and years now I have wrapped myself up within myself..and the few people I have met along my path I kept at a distance and dont allow to come any closer......I have also noticed how I am so extremely serious about life that I have lost my ability to simply laugh, unwind, relax and have fun..I mean I can still do that but its difficult because then there is always this voice inside which tells me that I dont deserve those things ..its like I am still beating myself up over how screwed up my life is and how many people I have hurt along the way that it so very difficult for me lighten up and enjoy life... very early in my life I have taken on a great amount of the suffering and pain I saw in the world around me such as the realities of war, suffering, the pollution and destruction of our planet, world wide genocide and mass starvation,l and I always wondered how God could allow for that..this was before I realized that we human beings have created this reality ourselves because our minds and spirits have become corrupted and we have been blinded by greed and a wrong sense of power....so we human beings are not only destroying and raping this planet but we also destroy and corrupt the beautiful minds and spirits of children who are then told to basically serve this system we ourselves have created..and very early in my life when I noticed that it began making me very sick with deep grief, sadness and sorrow because I felt responsible for all this crazyiness that is happening in this world...always wondering how can I enjoy life and be happy if every day small children are dying of not having enough food and become the victims of a war we ourselves support...and so it is interesting to find myself at a point where I actually want to help others with the things I have learned during my life and contribute to make this world a better place..but I have realized that in order to do that I need to fist help myself and heal the wounds which lie at the root of my deep sadness, grief and sorrow... and while this seems that I have a long way to go with this... writing this essay was like a small step in this direction of my personal journey of 1000 miles :)

Realizations and intentions..

realize2actualize — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 16:23:43 GMT

I woke up this morning after a restless night of almost no sleeping, feeling that the time has come for me to take my own advice and change my ways. Since I came to San Francisco during Christmas of 2002 I have put up countless ads in regards to me being a teacher (of learning), ads in regards to dating, and while I have attracted quite a bit of response from others who where curious to know more I am just now learning that I only can help (and love) others if I begin to help (and love) myself, and this is my intention for the time ahead. During my past experiences I have become so wrapped up within myself that I only attracted attention by putting up ads and profile on various internet networking sites, but when it came to actually making some effort to grow positive relationships with others I failed miserably. I guess you could call me an attention whore..lol... After what I went through my first and foremost interest (and need) was to get attention from others, which I received quite a bit, but then when it came to me making the effort and reach out to those who wanted to get to know me better I almost did not know how to respond, and so I was unable to develop any positive relationships. Among other things this is what I want to change, and I would like to take this opportunity to once more reach out to you in my (sincere) desire to make friends and become re-acquainted. I consider this bulletin the beginning of a very new chapter in my life, and I wanted to take a little time to apologize to all those individuals on this and other internet sites who reached out to me, but who have not received any love, care and attention from me in return. My intention for the future is to change that. Having held myself back from success, happiness and love I now realize more than ever that the time is right for me to take a clear look at the man in the mirror and make a change. I dont want to make this too long, but just wanted to share my intention to begin on a very new path for myself. Again I apologize for keeping everybody at a distance, but since I am ready for a new beginning in my life I sure would love to have (or rather earn) your genuine friendship, love and support along the way. With much love too all of you amazing people of tribe. Christoph 415.933.3660

Eye opening video which exposes the myths of the 'War on Terror'

realize2actualize — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 19:12:48 GMT

This is an amazing 3 part documentary entitled "The Power of Nightmares: The Rise of the Politics of Fear" Begin by checking out the first part, entiteled 'Baby Its Cold Outside' and get ready to be enlightened about the true motives behind the 'war on terror': http://tv-links.co.uk/listings/9/4691 I am curious to know what you think, so if you would like to talk just give me a call, or just send me a message here on tribe or email me at realize2actualize@gmail.com Christoph 415.374.3275

The war within

realize2actualize — Tue, 31 Jul 2007 15:58:19 GMT

A Cherokee Indian elder was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me... it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside of you, and inside every other person, too." The children thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The old Cherokee elder replied simply ... "The one you feed."

What is the meaning of life?

realize2actualize — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 20:23:15 GMT

I am sure you asked yourself that at one point or another, but I am curious to know what answers you found along your unique path in life. It seems to me that as we go through the motions of "growing up' we get so caught up in the rat race of daily life that we tend to forget our innate purpose as human beings. I myself look at it this way: The greatest School of them all, the one we all go through is not the one which is housed in a physical building, but rather it is the School of Life, where we learn (eventually) from the greatest Teacher of them all, Experience, so let me leave you with the following question: If Life is the School, and Experience the Teacher, what are we here to learn?

Letting go and opening up...

realize2actualize — Thu, 03 May 2007 01:38:59 GMT

..isnt that what its all about....but it is soo difficult..I wonder why that is..mmmmm...it is so very important to fully open ourselves up towards others..while at the same time being fully open towards what we receive back..myself I have been too much focused on me forcing what I have learned onto others, without having been able to receive them...my experiences here on tribe are a case in point..since I came here a few years ago I have put soo much effort into putting up my ads and posts ..but I was not able to fully open myself up to the many wonderful peope here...when it comes to giving attention to others..oh well..I must admint that I suck when it comes to that...this must have to do with the fact that I am still a little bit stuck in the sorrow and pain of the past.....it is such a new experience for me to meet people that my expectations of how I need others to be overshadow my ability to show others that I actually give a damn :( I have noticed how I push others away with my constant rambelings about myself, what I have learned..what I want and need..ultimatey this has been only about me me me..and so I am not surpised that I am still without any real friends...nobody wants somebody who only talks about himself..but at least I have ..and continue to learn this lessons...garsh...my mom was soo right when she told me before I left Germany that people need each other..back then I never really understood that..and while I gained this awareness on a conceptual level during my marriage...knowing that people need people... but on a practical level I still push others away...I have noticed in me that there is this tendency to make others feel bad ...I guess this is because deep down I feel very bad myself..bad about life..the suffering I see all around me...and the fact that I am still without a life..home..friends..family..but the reason for why that is can only be found within myself..dont we all create our own reality..well..I guess it is time for me to take my own advice..stop trying to help others and begin on my own healing... I wanted to put up this blog..which is something I have rarely done in my effort to open myself up a little...and to show you the person behind the mask....deep down I am hurting a lot....and I am just now trying to acknowledge the fact that I have a lot of work to do before I can successfully help....it is soo difficult for me to open myself up to others...and to let go of the past....I need to get unstuck..and while at this point I dont really know how...at least I have come to terms with the fact that I need to... about a week ago I took a few sessions over the phone called EFH (Emotional Freedom & Healing)...there I talked with Dolores..the lady who was teaching the course about how I forgive myself for all the pain of the past..and how I am ready to receive some miracles in life...well..I am ready...better late than never...guess I am a late bloomer...huh...I was soo focused on bringing healing to the life of others that I neglected to see how I myself am pretty much messed up.... I feel that I am just at the beginning of a long journey....just at the beginning of my path..the title I have chosen for myself illustates this point very well..I am a teacher of learning....but that is nothing special, since we all teach what we have learned..but instead of focusing all the attention on what I am here to teach I would like to pay more attention to what I have to learn...so please consider this blog as a step in that direction.....I want to learn to let go of the pain.. the suffering..the sorrow of the past...and instead open myself up to all the wonderful possibilities for the future...including all you amazing people here on tribe :) up until a few weeks ago I have noticed quite a few self destructive tendencies within myself...like it felt good to hurt myself..not eating well...smoking...hanging around people who are negative and somewhat abusive towards me...but this is what I have created for myself because deep down I felt that I dont deserve happiness, love and success....but slowly I am feeling that I want to treat myself better..and so I actually stopped smoking..and I am wanting to improve my eating habits... I also realized about myself how I am actually very shy when it comes to meeting people one-on-one.. it is much easier for me to get attention by putting up an ad about study groups... and speaking in front of others is much easier than talking to one person individually....which would require of me to show myself to others for who I really am, without being able to hide behind my impersonal postings about wanting to teach the world about how the universe works.... I also wanted to apologize to the countless people who have responded to my ads, invited me to be part of their network..wanted me to join their tribe.. but when I responded to your email or invitation I have show no sign that I actually give a damn about who you are...and for this I wanted to say from the bottom of my heart....I am sorry....you are all wonderful..amazing people..and it still will take some time until I am fully able to reach out to you ..not as a teacher or philosopher..but as a human being who just like yourself is vulnerable....feels pain and regret..and who seeks the companionship of others... Thank you for being a friend (::::ending this blog by singing the Golden Girls theme:::)

Happy new year all.

realize2actualize — Sat, 31 Dec 2005 23:14:15 GMT

I wish you a wonderful, exiting and prosperous new year, and I am looking forward to be meeting each and every one of you personally in 2006. Amazing changes are on the horizon, and I am filled with much excitement and optimism about the future. Myself I have a lot of goals and ambitions for 2006, and I feel extremely happy about the new developments with my online group. Every day this virtual community is growing with new members who would like to become part of this movement towards conscious re-creation and transformation. I would like to invite you to become part of a group of spiritually minded individuals from all around the world who would like to bring about positive change in life. Please go to http://www.paltalk.com/ and download this free instant messenger service. To locate our meeting space please click on the room tab of your paltalk messenger window, search for rooms under 'social issues', find the category 'human rights and enter "A room for conscious rEvolution. The future is Now, and up to us to create. For myself I am in the process of making magic happen in my own life since it is my main intention being to become reunited with my children once more. There is a lot of work ahead, and I would greatly appreciate your feedback, input and support. Together we can help each other make this world a better place. This is my main intention for the upcoming year. Much love and happiness to each and every one of you, and may the following year be the best year ever. In love and light. Christoph

Isn't this something we are all dealing with?

realize2actualize — Thu, 11 Aug 2005 23:33:20 GMT

The person who we are on the inside, our unique thoughts, feelings, observations and ideas, and how this is interpreted and evaluated by others. In our modern world, relationships, be it on a personal level between people, or on a cultural level between different countries, societies and cultures are lacking the very important ingredient of mutual and active acceptance. Divided by a unique perspective, motives, needs, expectations and impressions we all seem to be going through the world looking for what it is we seek, comparing that which is going on around us to personal standards and needs. Being dependent on getting "our" needs met we have a very difficult time being open, respectful and understanding towards others who seem to be very different from the way we are. Aren't we all going through life looking for others whom we have something in common with, things with which we can identify with. Aren't we all attached to that which gives our life a sense of security and meaning, and aren't those the things which cause us to defend what we stand for....and isn't this the root of all argument and conflict in the world..? My point is, we all are all human beings, extensions of the very same essence which created all of us....here to help one another and to not make it more complicated....I always asked myself, what is important in life, things or people?? and of course I have to to realize that it is people..but in this world...sad to say..things have priority over people... The level of anxiety, depression, alienation, boredom and indifference within this society is just one example of something being seriously wrong. I myself have found that it is not people who are sick, rather it is society, the system we are all part of which does not cultivate and foster such negative and destructive human qualities such as greed, ignorance, and a sense of freedom which instills within us the dangerous and misleading idea that life is an investment which should yield the highest outcome (E. Fromm). Life is way more than this...more than what we have come to learn..come to find...the magic between people..the miracle of our mind..our spirt..the root of how we feel, and how all of this creates our reality...depending on what we focus on...well..I think this is all quite fascinating...how our impressions are formed, our unique perspective from which we see and judge the world around....how we look at ourselves and others, and how we never really learned to see things objectively and critically.....to find for ourselves what it is that is true and real beyond our conditioned personal needs, expectations and impressions... I think that the time has come to explore what is really important in life, and how to implement this kind of awareness in how we live life, how we deal with others, and how to become the change this world needs. It all begins within ourselves. These are just some unrefined thoughts and ideas of mine. Since I am in the process of really getting to work about all of this I am using this as an outlet to practice and refine my thoughts and writing. I hope you are all doing well. Peace out. Christoph Practicing “Idealist” (415) 368-1333

Writing about some of my personal experiences was helpful to me, but I keep on realizing new things...

realize2actualize — Thu, 11 Aug 2005 01:36:55 GMT

...and it is time for me to write about some of those. Earlier today I spent some quality time with a good friend of mine, and I realized once more what is important in life. My personal contact with others is still minimal (hopefully this is going to change soon), and it is just nice being with somebody who "gets you", and who does not give you hard time. The ablity to simply listen and be with somebody, to allow them to relate themselves to you while fully being open towards them, well, that is very rare quality to find indeed, but from what I have learned..well..this is key (but there are other keys, so be patient) I have changed quite a bit during the course of my personal path of learning, growing and becoming, but I am still living a more or less isolated existence, no friends, home life, stablity, so things have been weird, and I lived on a bare minimum for a very long time. When I first came to San Francisco around December of 2003 I stayed in a shelter for a while. This was quite the experience for me, especially since I am originally from Germany, and was married to a black woman while living in Kansas (lol) for more than a decade. Well, I am not going to get into that now since I have talked about it during my previous post. Anyway, I have noticed how what happens a lot of times, especially with people who have a mental imbalance, they have a difficult time listening to you, while they seem to make everything about themselves. This must be a matter of wanting attention, or the need to share ourselves. Still, what I am missing since I have moved to the United States are the kind of intellectual, open productive exchanges during which all kinds of concepts, ideas, thoughts and even feelings are expressed without anybody trying to make anybody wrong, or giving them advice for what WE think THEY should be doing. This thing about pointing fingers, of blaming others for what is wrong in our life seems to have a long tradition, not only in this country, but also in this world, and I think that it is time for this to change. Personal responslity it where it is all at, to fully own our own stuff, our thoughts, feelings, our suffering, sorrow, fear and pain, and to not expect anybody to take care of what it is we need. While it is very important to "own" our own needs we should not do what is happening most of the time, we project those onto others. Furthermore we also go by and project our impressions onto others without really making the effort to get a more complete picture. How selfish and superfical..anyway..I am going on here, and yeah..I have some issues of anger maybe when it comes to this issue.. I have always felt, all my life basically (except recently) restricted in my freedom to be myself since everybody always told me how to be and what to do..and even as a child I had a very difficult time with that..well..I was always a free spirit who was trying to get his own questions answered..well...I did..even through a very unconventinal and difficult way. The difficulties during my up-bringing as the result of me having been a die-hart rebel...the changes I went through as the result of me joining the army...my marriage to a black woman which brought me over all the way from Germany to Kansas, the birth of my children...my own rage and temper which I had to confront ....and then my whole learning curve was even challenged more after I got into this crazy accident...the day after I quit my job in order to move here... all the various stages of my personal developement have guided me to the general understanding that in life...what is important is not who is right, and who is wrong..and being involved in various arguments and altercations with others..all the result of our inablity to accept other people for who they are..but what is important is to allow other people, regardless of how different to think..feel and act the way that they do.. I think one of the biggest problems most of us ar dealing with others, and this has been the main theme during our years of growing up..other peope who do not 'get' us, and who make us out to be something we are not..who tell us stuff about ourselves all based upon their impressions. Well, this still is happening..and some People just have a very difficult time when it comes to allowing others to be they way they choose to be without imposing their own standards, judgments and expectations onto them. Do you maybe find yourself doing that sometimes?? Anyway..that is it for now..my neck hurts..I am hungry as a horse and my head is about to explode.... keep it together people...;-)

I am finally getting what I knew all along..

realize2actualize — Sat, 06 Aug 2005 15:33:48 GMT

Life is amazing..I am sure you all know that..the ups and downs...the events..situations..personal encounters...most all of which happen arbitrarlity...happenstance..fate..good and bad luck..it is all a flow...well..I have come to find that is all makes sense..that there are no accidents in life..well..I am sure you knew that..or did you?? Everything that happens to us is a lesson..everyone we meet a teacher in disguise...or I call it..synchronicity in action.....how amazing life is..how everyting is connected and related....wow...like a huge network..if we only..if people only knew how to follow their sense of interconnectedness with others ...well...I guess most of us are driven by self-serving motives..and who can hold it against anybody..I mean...look at this bubble gum world of ours..where Jerry Springer, Mc Donald..the interenet and cordless phones have replaced our sense that people are more important than power..more important than things..well...we all serve a system which we have created with our own hands...but maybe it is time to bring about a new..a different, a better system..one which serves mankind and not the other way around..one which makes sense, and one which is designed to bring out the best in us..and not one where competition...production and consumption have been elevated to our modern Gods...what a shame..and we have children live in extrememe poverty while here in the west live in extrememe abundance..but then again..there are places where people sleep on the street right now..people who have serious problems..emotions, mental and spiritual...but we say that this is a normal side effect of our society??? What a shame I think..but instead of just criticizing how things are today I have tried to figure out how we can bring about a better, more human, sensical and human(e) system... If you are interested in finding our more I would love to talk to You....Feel free to call anytime (415) 368-1333..I am very serious about those issues..very much care about life and what is happening in this world...and I have reached the point in my life where I would like to actively become part of the change this world so desperately needs. Thanks for reaching..have a wonderful Saturday, and we talk when and if it is meant to be.. All the best Christoph Practicing Philospher www.geocities.com/realize2actualize (415) 368-1333 if you would like to get together and talk about possible solutions, and how implement those then I invite you to an open dialogue with me, centered around those and other issues conce

Finally...the blog is here....time to post some general observations

realize2actualize — Thu, 16 Jun 2005 20:18:08 GMT

Hello all! Well, the time has come...the future is here and in the making..so many experiences..lessons..new realizations..insights....so over time I will take up some space in blog-land and post some of my general thought concerning the wonderful and very complex "Art of Living". What it takes for us to me more real and open, how to bring about more positive and genuine relationships between ourselves and others...how to develop according to our authentic Self..what it takes to overcome those things which hold us back, our negativity, our illusions, agitations, inhibitions, anger, and yes...it all begins within ourselves..a revolution from within.. We all want change it seems, but it seems that most of us are eager to change things external to themsleves as opposed to changing themselves...seems scary...changing ourselves...mmmh...interesting why that is...what are your thougths..maybe it is because we are too attachend to our own ways..to our things..our believes..right...choices....all of those things which we seem to identify with can keep us from reaching out to others in loving kindness, empathy, peace and love..anyway, before I make this intro-blog too long I will take a very needed breather and allow for those who are interested in finding out more to contact me. For now I say goodbye...have a wonderful Thursday, the 16th of June 2005 and you keep your eyes for more positings and updates in the near future... Life is good, so please do not forget to smile and be happy since this is the essence of freedom..to celebrate life, being creative, to give love..to bring about understanding and peace... all the best, and may God bless. Christoph www.geocities.com/realize2actualize realize2actualize@yahoo.com (415) 368-1333